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Should I forgive him?


Freeflybird

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New to his forum.

 

Just broke up with my bf on Valentine's day. We started our relationship 1 year+ ago and had long distance relationship for 5 months. I loved him so much, always had the best of best for him, and he showed that he loved me too. We even talked about marriage and home together.

 

Found out he's been using this forum all this while to connect with different men when we were IN the relationship, for sexting, video call etc(not sure if he met them up for sex). He's been using WeChat people nearby and some online vc platform for masturbation fun too(not sure if he met any of them). His WeChat and Line contact was full of those men. He's also been cruising in the toilets all over the places such as KL, KLIA2, Kuching, Miri and every hotel swimming pools etc when he travels alone, also asked for m2m massages.

 

When I was leaving Msia to Overseas, he sent me off with his crocodile tears at the airport. It really hurt me to know the truth, to find out someone you love so much with your life been doing this to you.

Although he stopped for now when I found out, but what IF i never find out? I really cannot accept his cheating and betrayal(and he's been lying to me about many things all these while), but he's begging me to stay.

Should I forgive him? Is he a person I can spend my life with and to build a home together? Is this his privacy that I shouldn't ask? Am i being too sensitive?

 

Thanks!

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1 hour ago, Freeflybird said:

New to his forum.

 

Just broke up with my bf on Valentine's day. We started our relationship 1 year+ ago and had long distance relationship for 5 months. I loved him so much, always had the best of best for him, and he showed that he loved me too. We even talked about marriage and home together.

 

Found out he's been using this forum all this while to connect with different men when we were IN the relationship, for sexting, video call etc(not sure if he met them up for sex). He's been using WeChat people nearby and some online vc platform for masturbation fun too(not sure if he met any of them). His WeChat and Line contact was full of those men. He's also been cruising in the toilets all over the places such as KL, KLIA2, Kuching, Miri and every hotel swimming pools etc when he travels alone, also asked for m2m massages.

 

When I was leaving Msia to Overseas, he sent me off with his crocodile tears at the airport. It really hurt me to know the truth, to find out someone you love so much with your life been doing this to you.

Although he stopped for now when I found out, but what IF i never find out? I really cannot accept his cheating and betrayal(and he's been lying to me about many things all these while), but he's begging me to stay.

Should I forgive him? Is he a person I can spend my life with and to build a home together? Is this his privacy that I shouldn't ask? Am i being too sensitive?

 

Thanks!

 

Factors to consider.

 

If u r still in 20s, change. If u r in 50, close 1 eye.

 

If u r the one with more market value, change.

 

 

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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1 hour ago, Lonelyboy90 said:

since you have already broken off with him? why want to look back and regret on your decisions made? move on and look ahead on what your life has to offer. 

 

I promised him to build a family together. For me our relationship is like a covenant to keep forever.

I wish my relationship to be like my parents', loyal and monogamous. I know i'm old fashioned. (I'm 30.)

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Well, he's not looking to settle down. Or he wants someone who he can always come home to after pkaying around outside.

 

Incompatible expectations, don't you feel like you're being used?

 

Move on. 

 

Even if you lock his dick up in a chastity cage, doesn't stop him from giving HJ, BJ, getting fucked.

 

 

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Nope. You deserve better. Move on. He cheat lied behind your back. Played out your feelings. Used you for his advantage etc... I know it hurts be it months u sure will overcome it. As guys doesn't matter if u r top btm verst gay bi straights we need to be firm strong in making decision. We r born as man the leader doesn't matter what role r u. So take your time to move on. Don't go out for dates yet..just meet friends go out or spend something u like online or onsite..have new hobby...etc.. ;)

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3 hours ago, Freeflybird said:

 

I promised him to build a family together. For me our relationship is like a covenant to keep forever.

I wish my relationship to be like my parents', loyal and monogamous. I know i'm old fashioned. (I'm 30.)

 

ok. forget this promise and move on. in a relationship, both parties should think the same. if he doesnt, why should u ponder over a single sided promise and obstruct u in advancing?

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall..

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6 hours ago, Freeflybird said:

New to his forum.

 

Just broke up with my bf on Valentine's day. We started our relationship 1 year+ ago and had long distance relationship for 5 months. I loved him so much, always had the best of best for him, and he showed that he loved me too. We even talked about marriage and home together.

 

Found out he's been using this forum all this while to connect with different men when we were IN the relationship, for sexting, video call etc(not sure if he met them up for sex). He's been using WeChat people nearby and some online vc platform for masturbation fun too(not sure if he met any of them). His WeChat and Line contact was full of those men. He's also been cruising in the toilets all over the places such as KL, KLIA2, Kuching, Miri and every hotel swimming pools etc when he travels alone, also asked for m2m massages.

 

When I was leaving Msia to Overseas, he sent me off with his crocodile tears at the airport. It really hurt me to know the truth, to find out someone you love so much with your life been doing this to you.

Although he stopped for now when I found out, but what IF i never find out? I really cannot accept his cheating and betrayal(and he's been lying to me about many things all these while), but he's begging me to stay.

Should I forgive him? Is he a person I can spend my life with and to build a home together? Is this his privacy that I shouldn't ask? Am i being too sensitive?

 

Thanks!

Ariana Grande - Thank you, next, bitch.

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4 hours ago, Freeflybird said:

 

 Change means change a bf?

Yes.

 

:(

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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There is nothing to be sad about...if u r young or old etc if someone cheat on you end it. Move on. U deserve better. Fate will direct  you...u have  to understand sometime  fate doing you a favor. Like I say we r  born  with a  cock. Be a  man bout  it. Dont too emo  bout it.. yes memories is painful.. they will come back to you with such a fake plead drama so pls brace yourself... been thru  that.. but u also need to have yourself first time to  love  treat  yourself  first before others... Karma etc will get those who cheat lies...no matter where you go...where you are..just watch your back...

 

So for those who have weak heart or sympathy heart think thrice before accepting or fall in love again...u never know what kind of game or mind games they are Playing... remember you are always in control. U come first. 

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5 hours ago, BudakFit said:

Nope. You deserve better. Move on. He cheat lied behind your back. Played out your feelings. Used you for his advantage etc... I know it hurts be it months u sure will overcome it. As guys doesn't matter if u r top btm verst gay bi straights we need to be firm strong in making decision. We r born as man the leader doesn't matter what role r u. So take your time to move on. Don't go out for dates yet..just meet friends go out or spend something u like online or onsite..have new hobby...etc.. ;)

Thank you man for the positive energy and advice!

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Actually this is the second time me and him got together. I met him in Hornet on 2016, we got together for 1 month only, then I quickly suggested to break up because I knew I still couldn't be responsible in a relationship/marriage, and I knew I didn't know how to really love a person yet, so in that 1 month I suggested not to get physical with him yet because I wanted to be responsible for him too.

We got together again after 8 months, because he showed me he's been waiting for me and still loved me. That really touched me and made me think this is a real love. But lately I found out during that 8 months which he said he was waiting for me, he's actually been hooking up everywhere and indulged in Hornet chatting practically everyday(I logged into his account and saw all the conversations and pictures and exchange of Line and WeChat).

 

I know it might be inappropriate to bring up religion related stuff, I'm sorry if I offend anyone here, I just hope to speak my mind and see if someone can understand and advice me. 

 

God love human so much that when His people betrayed Him again and again, He is not only pleased to accept them but "reciprocate" human with His salvation and forgiveness, and sacrificed Himself(Lord Jesus) for them. (I know not everyone is Christian here, or somebody might be offended to hear the religion "fallacy" here, please+ forgive me.)

 

During the whole thing in this relationship, it made me worry a lot, hurt a lot, there's many sleepless nights for me. But I learned a lot too, to realise my weaknesses, to improve myself, also, it took me to understand God more. I hated what my bf did, but I love him and still hope to keep my promise and covenant with him, although he might not understand what was all these about at first, I think he is able to learn? I think everyone is actually the same, good or bad people, gay or straight, we're still human, we are always tempted and make wrong decisions. Maybe if me and him can go through this trial, maybe I should help him to become a better man instead of abandoning him, then we can write a beautiful story of life? I just wish to learn to be as good as God, although I know I can't. 

 

Now he shows that he regret all the things he did, and regret that he was not able to understand my kind of relationship value at first, and he wish to continue to build our dream future and home together. Do you guys think he still deserves another chance? For me, I somehow agree that it's impossible to change a person's nature, so I'm not sure too...... Maybe just like Luke321 said, we are incompatible at all..?

 

Sorry if this post sounds silly to many of you.

 

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1 hour ago, snowball said:

不在一棵树上吊死,至少,你不是能让他定下心来的那棵大树,别再欺骗自己,或许,你不在的期间,他可以看见整片森林。学习先爱自己,你才可以更坚强面对现实与将来。

 

谢谢,也许就算我对他来说有多美好,可是始终也不是他所真正想要的。

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With little info from one side, its hard for us to advice much. Well, to begin with, why not try ponder on these following two aspects?

 

1st issue - mindset issue

You both seems have different mindsets. Ever wonder is he the type able to separate physical fun from emotional attachment? Actively fool around but never have emotional attachment to others? If he is this type of guy, monogamous relationship can be very selfish desire to cage him down. He would probably well behave first 1 or 2 years the most before he go wild again behind you. If still insist of monogamous, best move on as bff instead as bf. At least you both also happy.

 

2nd issue - expectation issue

About cheating and betrayal matter, did he take the initiative to proclaime his commitment and faithfulness to you from time to time or under your influence/enquiry/indirect conditions to have emotional attachment together?

If he took the initiative, would advice move on. If not, you might want to have "mature and very very open" discussion with him about both views in terms of faithful.

 

If you still really want to work it out with him, suggest you both really need *together* work out more on trust. If you both able to rebuild this trust wall with solid foundation, he can still be your dearest happy ever after hubby. Else, doubt a shaky foundation of trust will only make you both even suffocating.

 

Hope am not confusing you xD

Good luck mate, all the best in whichever decision you decided to pursue then! *wink*

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Relationship with living is fluid..u need to manage 24/7. Only with dead people, u dont have to.:)

Takes lot of time, effort. If cant or dont want to manage, let it go. Else, adjust and reflect continuously if it is still worth both your time and effort.:thumb:

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30 minutes ago, Geo said:

With little info from one side, its hard for us to advice much. Well, to begin with, why not try ponder on these following two aspects?

 

1st issue - mindset issue

You both seems have different mindsets. Ever wonder is he the type able to separate physical fun from emotional attachment? Actively fool around but never have emotional attachment to others? If he is this type of guy, monogamous relationship can be very selfish desire to cage him down. He would probably well behave first 1 or 2 years the most before he go wild again behind you. If still insist of monogamous, best move on as bff instead as bf. At least you both also happy.

 

2nd issue - expectation issue

About cheating and betrayal matter, did he take the initiative to proclaime his commitment and faithfulness to you from time to time or under your influence/enquiry/indirect conditions to have emotional attachment together?

If he took the initiative, would advice move on. If not, you might want to have "mature and very very open" discussion with him about both views in terms of faithful.

 

If you still really want to work it out with him, suggest you both really need *together* work out more on trust. If you both able to rebuild this trust wall with solid foundation, he can still be your dearest happy ever after hubby. Else, doubt a shaky foundation of trust will only make you both even suffocating.

 

Hope am not confusing you xD

Good luck mate, all the best in whichever decision you decided to pursue then! *wink*

 

Thanks so much for the advice!!

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9 hours ago, Freeflybird said:

 

I promised him to build a family together. For me our relationship is like a covenant to keep forever.

I wish my relationship to be like my parents', loyal and monogamous. I know i'm old fashioned. (I'm 30.)

 

Sorry, I know you won't like my advice. But I m just realistic and in fact only try to help you to manage future relationships or the existing one.

 

First thing: Stop dreaming. There is no such thing as a monogamous relationship. It applies to straight or gay relationships, that partners have flings.

The more you restrain your bf (ex-bf) the less happy he will feel with you.

Love must come from the heart and not from the dick.

If he can't hold his dick from other guys, the earlier you accept it the earlier you will be happy. If you can't accept it, then I see problems with any guy to keep up your relationship.

Yes, you can make him feel bad and even make him feel disgusted about him and what he is doing to you, but honestly, I don't think his straying around will stop. In some relationships it comes earlier in others only after some years. His "betrayals" must not mean that he doesn't love you.

Unless he is an asshole from his character, treating you bad etc, and you often feel like vomiting at home, then you should reconsider being with him.

 

Breaking off from a guy is always a risk. You might end up single for the rest of your life. Breaking up happens fast, finding a partner may take very long.

 

I personally would always opt for a second chance.

Don't keep quiet on things. Sit down and talk.

 

Most relationships break up due to lack of communication and both sides living apart.

 

Even for the betrayals, there might be a solution. But most important is to find out whether it is that you have not enough sex or whether he doesn't want to keep his dick or pussy exclusive for you.

 

Overall, the earlier you learn to accept that monogamous relationships exist in a wish concept (for straight and gay couples), the better you will breeze through new relationships if your breakup should be final.

 

 

 

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8 minutes ago, Bandar Utama said:

I once asked quite an old gay couple who have been living together for more than thirty years already on their secret for longevity, this is what they have to say:

 

”We lived in a time that when something is broken, we fix it.. we don’t throw it away.” 

 

Cheers, mate. ☺️

And i think they dont mean accepting  open relationship.

Well, whatever makes each happy..;)

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1 hour ago, Freeflybird said:

Actually this is the second time me and him got together. I met him in Hornet on 2016, we got together for 1 month only, then I quickly suggested to break up because I knew I still couldn't be responsible in a relationship/marriage, and I knew I didn't know how to really love a person yet, so in that 1 month I suggested not to get physical with him yet because I wanted to be responsible for him too.

We got together again after 8 months, because he showed me he's been waiting for me and still loved me. That really touched me and made me think this is a real love. But lately I found out during that 8 months which he said he was waiting for me, he's actually been hooking up everywhere and indulged in Hornet chatting practically everyday(I logged into his account and saw all the conversations and pictures and exchange of Line and WeChat).

 

I know it might be inappropriate to bring up religion related stuff, I'm sorry if I offend anyone here, I just hope to speak my mind and see if someone can understand and advice me. 

 

God love human so much that when His people betrayed Him again and again, He is not only pleased to accept them but "reciprocate" human with His salvation and forgiveness, and sacrificed Himself(Lord Jesus) for them. (I know not everyone is Christian here, or somebody might be offended to hear the religion "fallacy" here, please+ forgive me.)

 

During the whole thing in this relationship, it made me worry a lot, hurt a lot, there's many sleepless nights for me. But I learned a lot too, to realise my weaknesses, to improve myself, also, it took me to understand God more. I hated what my bf did, but I love him and still hope to keep my promise and covenant with him, although he might not understand what was all these about at first, I think he is able to learn? I think everyone is actually the same, good or bad people, gay or straight, we're still human, we are always tempted and make wrong decisions. Maybe if me and him can go through this trial, maybe I should help him to become a better man instead of abandoning him, then we can write a beautiful story of life? I just wish to learn to be as good as God, although I know I can't. 

 

Now he shows that he regret all the things he did, and regret that he was not able to understand my kind of relationship value at first, and he wish to continue to build our dream future and home together. Do you guys think he still deserves another chance? For me, I somehow agree that it's impossible to change a person's nature, so I'm not sure too...... Maybe just like Luke321 said, we are incompatible at all..?

 

Sorry if this post sounds silly to many of you.

 

 

The fact that he is fearing the end of your relationship shows signs that you aren't unimportant to him.

 

Maybe you should try to get more strength for yourself first, I mean being stronger and more self confident.

 

Honestly, even if he might promise you that he keeps his dick for you for the future, I would not bet on it.

 

I mostly don't understand why many guys always see sex as love.

Sure if sex and love come together it is something wonderful. but let's be honest: In most relationships this togetherness will last for 2 years or if you are very lucky for 5 to 7 years with your partner.

 

And what I forgot to mention in my ealrier reponse is:

You never know what happens: In some years you might be the one who will have more than just a fling with someone else despite being in a relationship.

 

I know you need to gain some confidence and happiness again.

 

Always remember the roses, don't focus so much on the thorns.

 

Honestly, sit him down and talk. And important: Let him talk and say what he needs or wants to say....

Afterwards you can always raise your point.

Give him a chance to open his heart to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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18 minutes ago, mlyfunp said:

 

The fact that he is fearing the end of your relationship shows signs that you aren't unimportant to him.

 

Maybe you should try to get more strength for yourself first, I mean being stronger and more self confident.

 

Honestly, even if he might promise you that he keeps his dick for you for the future, I would not bet on it.

 

I mostly don't understand why many guys always see sex as love.

Sure if sex and love come together it is something wonderful. but let's be honest: In most relationships this togetherness will last for 2 years or if you are very lucky for 5 to 7 years with your partner.

 

And what I forgot to mention in my ealrier reponse is:

You never know what happens: In some years you might be the one who will have more than just a fling with someone else despite being in a relationship.

 

I know you need to gain some confidence and happiness again.

 

Always remember the roses, don't focus so much on the thorns.

 

Honestly, sit him down and talk. And important: Let him talk and say what he needs or wants to say....

Afterwards you can always raise your point.

Give him a chance to open his heart to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you so much bro for your replies and help, appreciate it very much!

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28 minutes ago, Genitif said:

Maybe for him, physical needs are separate from emotions. He might love you deeply, but just need variations in physical intimacy?

This is all nice and thoughtful but we are kinda missing the fact that he didn't tell TS or talk to him about his needs. Instead, he went off and fooled around behind TS's back. 

 

Trust is a two way street to me. I've known couples a couple with 15 year age difference in an open relationship because the Daddy travels alot for work, and his Boi has a high sex drive. But this was up front from the begining. They're perfectly happy. Lol, I find them too lovey dovey when they're together. :rolleyes:

 

But only because they set each others expectations upfront. Clearly, TS's bf knew what TS's expectations were from the start but hasn't been honest and open about his all this time. 

 

Just keep that in mind. And the fact that Jesus is the Son of God and had a mission from his Father. You aren't. But if you want to turn the other cheek, then don't complain when you get slapped again. 

 

 

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I think the most important thing is all about trust and how do u get along with ur partner. I have a bf who living in thousand miles away from me, we can only communicate each other via social app and also sometimes doing video call. We could only meet up once in every year.

 

We do share our day life event to each other even though we're not living together. Also, I was mad when I first found out that he's using those gay app to chat with others at first. But think deeply, I'm doing the same what. So what can say? As a matter of fact, I don't really care if he's looking for fun with others or chatting others because making fun or chatting with others don't make a lover. It could be random hook up or what but it won't last long if u did not work on the "friendship".. is it really kind of "friendship" or just tng? Who knows. I only know that we both are really working hard on our relationship although both of us have those random "friendship".. It's funny because those "friendship" will disappear after sometimes. So there's nothing I would worry about... of cuz I doubted him sometimes but also i knew my answer all the time. *It's all about trust*

 

After all, It's really hard to get us together due to long distance. But we do appreciate the every moment when we're together. When we made a mistake, we raise our voice to each other, we argue, we work on it, also be honest to each other, take action to prove and trust each other. We've been this kind of open relationship over 2 years and it's still counting... 

 

Btw, please don't really expect anyone that u can spend with him for lifetime, build a family or what... although It's also what i thinking for all time... Most impotantly, you do need to know ur partner well and work hard on the relationship instead of making those promises/vows/commitments at the beginning of relationship, those are really bullshit ok... If a relationship works, it could last really long, but it's also the effort from both parties. 

 

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Fool u once , shame on him.

 

Fool u twice, fool on u.

 

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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16 hours ago, Freeflybird said:

Actually this is the second time me and him got together. I met him in Hornet on 2016, we got together for 1 month only, then I quickly suggested to break up because I knew I still couldn't be responsible in a relationship/marriage, and I knew I didn't know how to really love a person yet, so in that 1 month I suggested not to get physical with him yet because I wanted to be responsible for him too.

We got together again after 8 months, because he showed me he's been waiting for me and still loved me. That really touched me and made me think this is a real love. But lately I found out during that 8 months which he said he was waiting for me, he's actually been hooking up everywhere and indulged in Hornet chatting practically everyday(I logged into his account and saw all the conversations and pictures and exchange of Line and WeChat).

 

I know it might be inappropriate to bring up religion related stuff, I'm sorry if I offend anyone here, I just hope to speak my mind and see if someone can understand and advice me. 

 

God love human so much that when His people betrayed Him again and again, He is not only pleased to accept them but "reciprocate" human with His salvation and forgiveness, and sacrificed Himself(Lord Jesus) for them. (I know not everyone is Christian here, or somebody might be offended to hear the religion "fallacy" here, please+ forgive me.)

 

During the whole thing in this relationship, it made me worry a lot, hurt a lot, there's many sleepless nights for me. But I learned a lot too, to realise my weaknesses, to improve myself, also, it took me to understand God more. I hated what my bf did, but I love him and still hope to keep my promise and covenant with him, although he might not understand what was all these about at first, I think he is able to learn? I think everyone is actually the same, good or bad people, gay or straight, we're still human, we are always tempted and make wrong decisions. Maybe if me and him can go through this trial, maybe I should help him to become a better man instead of abandoning him, then we can write a beautiful story of life? I just wish to learn to be as good as God, although I know I can't. 

 

Now he shows that he regret all the things he did, and regret that he was not able to understand my kind of relationship value at first, and he wish to continue to build our dream future and home together. Do you guys think he still deserves another chance? For me, I somehow agree that it's impossible to change a person's nature, so I'm not sure too...... Maybe just like Luke321 said, we are incompatible at all..?

 

Sorry if this post sounds silly to many of you.

 

 

Communication.

 

If you are ready to give both yourself and him another chance, open up all communications and set things clear. Long distance relationship is no mean feat.

If you are ready to let him go, just drop him and move on. Yes, it will NEVER be easy but you have to let him go, once you made up your mind.

 

Only you know best. Take the right step.

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You expected a monogamous relationship but he wasn't prepared/not intending to give.

Talk it out, please.

Seek clarity on both your needs/wants.

If thereafter you and him are able to come to a consensus, all well and good.

If not, then it's not too late to find someone else more compatible.

Good luck.

NuLi!.jpg.fc5ddb0bf38cec5008dbbc5108230cc5.jpg

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On 2/16/2019 at 11:29 AM, Freeflybird said:

Should I forgive him? Is he a person I can spend my life with and to build a home together? Is this his privacy that I shouldn't ask? Am i being too sensitive?

I feel you bro but come back to reality bah.

 

It's a flat NO to all your questions and doubts.

 

U will live life stronger than you ever imagined.

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Assuming a couple wanted to be monogamous & they have been together for 30 years. During this period, will each party be able to overcome every single hurdle/temptation?  We are not talking about one day or one week. We are also not talking about an indivual but two people. So if one party falls into temptation & has sex with another person, should we then advise them to breakup? If yes, their relationship willl never last for 30 years! And if that one incident happens, does it mean the whole relationship is no longer monogamous? 

 

Monigamous is not just a line a couple decides to draw but it is a life journey which two people decide to embark together 

 

TS: No one can tell you to breakup or forgive. We learn along the way. But one thing for sure; if you want a long lasting relationship, this won’t be the last time you are dealing with this issue. 

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On 2/15/2019 at 9:29 PM, Freeflybird said:

 

When I was leaving Msia to Overseas, he sent me off with his crocodile tears at the airport. It really hurt me to know the truth, to find out someone you love so much with your life been doing this to you.

Although he stopped for now when I found out, but what IF i never find out? I really cannot accept his cheating and betrayal(and he's been lying to me about many things all these while), but he's begging me to stay.

Should I forgive him? Is he a person I can spend my life with and to build a home together? Is this his privacy that I shouldn't ask? Am i being too sensitive?

 

 

You are not too sensitive.  You have a perfectly valid, serious concern.

 

Are you sure his tears were "crocodile tears"?  Is your impression that he is a pathological liar, a deceiving person and not that there was a huge miscommunication plus some fear?

 

It could be that YOU are in need of change as much as HE is.  You are a religious person, a Christian I assume.  You must have had gay sex.  Are you aware that according to St. Paul any gay sex MADE YOU DESERVING OF DEATH?   I assume that you are rational and you don't believe this.  Then...  why you believe all the rest?

 

You must have realized that homosexuality is not a willful act of sin, but such is merely the position of an organized religion, for who knows what reasons!!  If you accept this, you should be able to accept that monogamy is not a natural male virtue, but it is an imposition by society.  We don't wake up every morning and make a conscious decision to lust for others,  but we wake up many days with the involuntary lust to have a new sexual experience.  Don't you experience this too?   Maybe you do, but in your opinion this lust should be repressed, for good reasons.  In contrast, your friend may think that these lusts deserve to be satisfied, for good reasons.

 

You and your friend may have a difference of opinion in regard to monogamy.  Is this an insurmountable difference?    How about other differences of opinions?   Shouldn't a successful couple have differences of opinions and be able to handle them?

 

Now let's talk about fidelity.  This is not the same as monogamy, but it is the attitude of repressing natural desires for the sake of respecting, caring for the feelings of the spouse.  If the spouse doesn't care for his partner's monogamy, then fidelity is not an issue,  there is NO infidelity, there is NO cheating,  although there can still be discretion, privacy.  Will a person like your friend feel loved, cared for,  if you as his spouse give up on the imposition of "fidelity" and eliminate this painful block from the relationship?  Will he feel appreciated if you give up on a traditional imposition built on pride and exclusivity, and instead welcome his enjoyment of the pleasures of sex he seeks? 

 

It seems that you have the possibility to gain a lot by eliminating the imposition of "fidelity".  You can accept the premise that his "cheating", "lies", "hiding of truth" were forced on him to protect your feelings.  You can have a serious conversation with him remarking on the need to be open and sincere,  avoiding false fears of hurting the relationship.  You can make clear to him that it is preferable that he tells with sincerity if his love has changed to another person, so that the relationship can end in friendship.

 

And finally,  you can do all this while maintaining a vigilant eye.  To love him does not mean having to ignore any signs of trouble.  There is a good chance that your relationship with him can work,  and if it does and new, different trouble appears, you two will have confidence that you can resolve it like you did this one. It may not take too long to find out in which direction the relationship is going,  time that would be invested otherwise in waiting for a "better" relationship, that may come or not.

 

I had a 21 year relationship with my beloved late partner.  He was a traditional, somewhat religious person. Shortly after we got together, he found out that I continued to have some sex with others and he decided to withdraw from the relationship.  Twice I went after him and convinced him to come back.  He realized that I was not going to leave him for anyone else by having casual sex, that my love was sincere, and we were blessed from there on. 

.

 

Edited by Steve5380
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On 2/16/2019 at 7:46 AM, Freeflybird said:

 

During the whole thing in this relationship, it made me worry a lot, hurt a lot, there's many sleepless nights for me. But I learned a lot too, to realise my weaknesses, to improve myself, also, it took me to understand God more. I hated what my bf did, but I love him and still hope to keep my promise and covenant with him, although he might not understand what was all these about at first, I think he is able to learn? I think everyone is actually the same, good or bad people, gay or straight, we're still human, we are always tempted and make wrong decisions. Maybe if me and him can go through this trial, maybe I should help him to become a better man instead of abandoning him, then we can write a beautiful story of life? I just wish to learn to be as good as God, although I know I can't. 

 

Now he shows that he regret all the things he did, and regret that he was not able to understand my kind of relationship value at first, and he wish to continue to build our dream future and home together. Do you guys think he still deserves another chance? For me, I somehow agree that it's impossible to change a person's nature, so I'm not sure too...... Maybe just like Luke321 said, we are incompatible at all..?

 

 

I think your thoughts are positive.  Imagine what Jesus, what the Buddha would do in your situation.  We are very far below them,  but this is why we can look up to them for their example.  

And differently from them,  we have a great variety of personal defects and personal ignorance we can improve on, and so improve the situation.

 

Fortunately in a way,  there is no gay marriage in Asia.  You can maintain a gay relationship without being bound by legal obligations.  You risk little by giving second chances. Your time is valuable, but so is the experience you can gain.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi FreelyBird,

 

First of all, I'm so sorry for your suffered feelings. I think I know how painful you have been through this kind of incident.

 

In my opinion, relationship between man and man is very hard to maintain as compared to man and woman because most of men are generalltly more sexual and active than women (thanks to testosterone). I think you should see and understand where the problem coming from and from that, you will have a better decision for your relationship and yourself. 

 

Some men are just into cyber sex like your (ex) bf, and to be honest, it's part of their characters/hobbies so you shouldn't expect too much that he will change or will not repeat the same mistakes. Hence, if you really put so much love on him and at the same time, he does too. Then I would suggest that you can consider an open relationship, you may find it hard to accept this kind of relationship but please get sometime to think about it - you guys just need to sit down and discuss about it (for the agreements for some rules and limits to keep each other safe and respected). 

 

One thing I've learnt from every mistakes I made in my relationship is that we have to communicate and discuss, always be open to listen to the other one's opinion and suggestion. There is no one formula for it, you need to communicate to understand each other better.

 

In the end of the day, just understand that human always have sins, it's about how well you can accept the fact and find the best solution for it. Because no one is perfect, and if you expect anyone that you date to be the same as you then it will be a closed door for your ownself, in fact, you may will feel always unhappy and having doubts to anyone you see in the future :)

 

Good luck and hope you will be always happy!

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On 2/16/2019 at 11:29 AM, Freeflybird said:

New to his forum.

 

Just broke up with my bf on Valentine's day. We started our relationship 1 year+ ago and had long distance relationship for 5 months. I loved him so much, always had the best of best for him, and he showed that he loved me too. We even talked about marriage and home together.

 

Found out he's been using this forum all this while to connect with different men when we were IN the relationship, for sexting, video call etc(not sure if he met them up for sex). He's been using WeChat people nearby and some online vc platform for masturbation fun too(not sure if he met any of them). His WeChat and Line contact was full of those men. He's also been cruising in the toilets all over the places such as KL, KLIA2, Kuching, Miri and every hotel swimming pools etc when he travels alone, also asked for m2m massages.

 

When I was leaving Msia to Overseas, he sent me off with his crocodile tears at the airport. It really hurt me to know the truth, to find out someone you love so much with your life been doing this to you.

Although he stopped for now when I found out, but what IF i never find out? I really cannot accept his cheating and betrayal(and he's been lying to me about many things all these while), but he's begging me to stay.

Should I forgive him? Is he a person I can spend my life with and to build a home together? Is this his privacy that I shouldn't ask? Am i being too sensitive?

 

Thanks!

 

If you are asking here, it means you wanted to forgive him. Although most of the people I heard who are like your bf still went back to their old ways after they reconcile.
It is not exactly crocodiles tears for him as to some men, they can love his partner and still have sex with others without any emotional attachment. I am not saying he is right to do so though.
If you really want to get back together with him, do not see this as you are giving him a chance. See this as if you are giving yourself a chance. If you think it is not worth the gamble, move on without him.

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送你一首歌共勉之 if u understand Mandarin.

 

 

 

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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