My story as a 21 y/o guy

[tomcat]

37 minutes ago, kidster said:

 

Good advice but go where else can one find if he is discreet. He don't go club or sauna or like exhibiting himself on IG.

 

Asking for a friend. Haha

I've frequented about 3 or 4 gyms now in my life.  Each one has gay guys, actually more now than ever. If you have good manners and looks - some will gravitate to you eventually, even if its just for friendship or regular bromance.

There have been many nice guys I've met at the gym who are sincere, simple and honest. It's just that I am attached, and I don't think it is good karma to string people along just to feed the ego.

Sports is good too. I met my first boyfriend at 19 playing rugby in poly.  This is before the days of apps - where people have to make real connections, start off as friends. From big groups of 10, to 5 to eventually just me and him hanging out. One long weekend, I asked if he wanted to be more than friends.

It's not fast nor is it easy - most good things in life are not easy. But taking shortcuts is just the fastest way to heartbreak. 

And you can see a person's character by observing them at gym and sports too. How they share, if they are selfish, how they behave when fatigued/frustrated, how they deal with obstacles, losses, etc.

This generation is so lucky, because some guys are even open about their curiosity towards other guys. It's no longer a big deal being gay. So if one does happen to be discreet - for what purpose is this?

To hide? To deceive? to enjoy the liberties of being gay, but not feel the risk of discrimination? These are baggage that will be detrimental when brought into a r/s. Discreet or unsure, means you are not ready to accept yourself fully actually. You are not fully formed yet in more ways than just sexually.

 

Do you really think this is a good mental state to start committing to a relationship? Hell naw. Sort out your mess first please, boys. Not spread it around. 

 

 

[Zenguy]

On 4/23/2019 at 12:34 AM, Turtle said:

 

I'm a 22 y.o dude here, currently still in NS. I was like you a year ish back. Hopping from apps to apps hoping to find the right one. I was so focused on different apps that whenever I see a notif from jackd/grindr/tinder i would be curious who it is, hoping for the Mr right one.

 

Now - I'm just focused on NS and I realised that when you dont focus on it as much, the right people come to you when you least expect it. I've met a couple of friends that I can rely on for emotional support, friends that I wouldn't trade for anyone. Yes they're not my soul mates, but they're far more valuable than "dates". 

Hi Avocado, 

Out of all the replies, I think I agree with turtle the most. I also went through this stage of looking for my Mr rite. I started joining gay interest groups and attended their social outings. But there was no outcome. Then I also tried some online platform and got to know my first bf. Haha he's a straight guy and was sort of converted during his ns days. But that's another story. He was the ideal person for me cos he is very manly and yet v v romantic. Haha but we only lasted for 6 months. Like u, I was probably quite desperate to get into a r/s. And I was emotionally insecure as well! I thought of him day and nite. And when I'm not with him, my mind start to wonder. Eventually he felt that all these insecurities was too much for him. So he slowly became colder. He had a group of friends whom he played basketball every week. And I was extremely jealous of them cos he never fails to play bball with them every week. And looking back I thought hey isn't it better to have a few good bros whom I can hang out with and talk. Cos these bros are still with my ex even though my r/s with him lasted only months. 

Yeah so I really really agree with Turtle. I now prefer to hang out with my friends, some straight some of them gay, we can talk about our problems and help each other. There's this straight bro of mine. We started off as gym buddies. And we were inseparable. But now he's got a gf and he stopped gyming. But he is such a sweet guy. There's once he was having lunch with his gf at my favourite restaurant. Then he ta pao my fav fried rice and delivered to my office for lunch. So... I told myself. Tho I'm single af but with bros like this I dun really need a bf la. 

[tomcat]

On 5/10/2019 at 9:38 PM, Zenguy said:

But he is such a sweet guy. There's once he was having lunch with his gf at my favourite restaurant. Then he ta pao my fav fried rice and delivered to my office for lunch. So... I told myself. Tho I'm single af but with bros like this I dun really need a bf la. 

Exactly - sign of the times.

 

These days there is more space for younger guys to show affection for each other, without having to worry about being called gay or being speculated upon. Even if they are, it is not that big of a deal as it was when I was a teen in early 2000s.

This is progression! As long as the gay guys are clear on the boundaries of the friendship, it should be good, at least until he is mature and ready to enter a relationship with a stable mind and heart.

You young'uns don't know how lucky you are, but i am glad to be around to witness this change. 

 

[Zenguy]

On 5/13/2019 at 11:45 AM, tomcat said:

Exactly - sign of the times.

 

These days there is more space for younger guys to show affection for each other, without having to worry about being called gay or being speculated upon. Even if they are, it is not that big of a deal as it was when I was a teen in early 2000s.

This is progression! As long as the gay guys are clear on the boundaries of the friendship, it should be good, at least until he is mature and ready to enter a relationship with a stable mind and heart.

You young'uns don't know how lucky you are, but i am glad to be around to witness this change. 

 

I can't agree more! In fact I think I'm a few years older than you. Hahaha. 

I have some bros who are much younger than me. I agree they do show affection towards me in a nice brotherly way. I tend to keep within the boundaries of friendship as this is what I'm comfortable with. There's a guy whom I think is either bi or straight curious that I got to know recently. I'm really just going to keep it simple and give him ample time and space to find his direction. I think this is what u meant by stable mind and heart. Of course amid all these friendships, I must admit that Im attracted to them. But I'm just happy with the way things are now. If one of them feels he might want to be in a relationship with me then good. Otherwise, I'm just fine being bros with them. 

[justincayl]

On 4/20/2019 at 2:04 AM, lonely57 said:

theres no point going for girls if u are gay. u wont enjoy it either and u will still yearn for a man to hold on to. 

 

i just feel that compared to straight guys, we have it easier to have sex plus being the horny animal we are, many would tend to fool around rather than to settle down. anyways, u are still young. and just a tip, try  changing your age limit to 22 to 28 (or 30). i find most of the younger ones are.. still immature. 

 

anyways, just go with the flow and keep looking. u will never know the one u had fun with last night might come back to you for more and eventually lead to something. 

 

You started off with some fucked up advice. And coming from a user with a display name "lonely57", 

 

1. Man are not horny animals. We are humans. Human beings. Beings with intellect, passion, dignity. You perpetuate an animalistic cycle by adopting such a mind set.

2. What makes someone who identifies as gay, gay? If the person who posted this post wants to date women, i'm not going to discourage that in anyway.

 

But yes. You're right. The younger ones tend to be immature. 

[tomcat]

11 hours ago, Zenguy said:

I think this is what u meant by stable mind and heart. Of course amid all these friendships, I must admit that Im attracted to them. But I'm just happy with the way things are now. If one of them feels he might want to be in a relationship with me then good. Otherwise, I'm just fine being bros with them. 

Yeah, sometimes even amongst the older guys (30s/40s), they have not yet achieved a stable mind and heart. Still yearning for something they themselves cannot provide or not healed properly from past experiences. So while it is not exactly what OP is asking about, it is related - because unsettled young men turn into unsettled old men. 

Which was why my advice for all the young guys was to really properly grow up before seeking r/s. Even then, each r/s will still continue to teach you about yourself. In the meantime, having sincere and honest bromances is good enough - keep your heart clear, and your mind open, focus on understanding and knowing yourself first. And being the best person you can be on your own merits. 

 

Since it is not fair for me to dispense advice without credibility, I am willing to share one of my own personal mistakes - which was misreading the signs of a friend, who at the time was already single for about a year. One night, after chit chatting I ended up sleeping over, with only the intention of cuddling. Of course, it was not just cuddling. The whole thing was awkward in bed, and later more awkward in the friendship. It took a lot of talking afterwards to get back to a place that was not emotionally messy. I only did it because I genuinely cared about him, even without the sex/attraction component.

I was not a rebound, since he said he liked me - but at the same time, he still had residual regret and feelings about his ex. I also knew of other guys he was exploring with, so I never even considered myself an option or an object of interest until that night. Considering we were not even in a r/s, but because he was unsettled, it can mess up a perfectly good bromance/friendship.

See how dangerous it can become. 




 

[tomcat]

9 minutes ago, justincayl said:

 

You started off with some fucked up advice. And coming from a user with a display name "lonely57", 

 

1. Man are not horny animals. We are humans. Human beings. Beings with intellect, passion, dignity. You perpetuate an animalistic cycle by adopting such a mind set.

2. What makes someone who identifies as gay, gay? If the person who posted this post wants to date women, i'm not going to discourage that in anyway.

 

But yes. You're right. The younger ones tend to be immature. 

hmm yea, also had some issue about the last sentence he wrote.

"u will never know the one u had fun with last night might come back to you for more and eventually lead to something. "

I think there is a lot of focus, effort and intentional growing up needed before one is ready for all the requirements and commitments of a r/s. He has a blasé approach to his own happiness, and a fair bit of pining for someone or anyone to remember him and come back to love him. Now the avatar name makes a lot of sense. This is the "Rapunzel" syndrome that affects a lot of gay men who have literally given up.

Go with the flow and keep looking?? Is he at Uniqlo buying socks or something? Or is it buying tidbits as pasar malam? 
 

 

[justincayl]

On 5/15/2019 at 10:06 AM, tomcat said:

hmm yea, also had some issue about the last sentence he wrote.

"u will never know the one u had fun with last night might come back to you for more and eventually lead to something. "

I think there is a lot of focus, effort and intentional growing up needed before one is ready for all the requirements and commitments of a r/s. He has a blasé approach to his own happiness, and a fair bit of pining for someone or anyone to remember him and come back to love him. Now the avatar name makes a lot of sense. This is the "Rapunzel" syndrome that affects a lot of gay men who have literally given up.

Go with the flow and keep looking?? Is he at Uniqlo buying socks or something? Or is it buying tidbits as pasar malam? 
 

 

 

Gud 

Edited May 22, 2019 by justincayl

[lonely57]

11 hours ago, justincayl said:

 

You started off with some fucked up advice. And coming from a user with a display name "lonely57", 

 

1. Man are not horny animals. We are humans. Human beings. Beings with intellect, passion, dignity. You perpetuate an animalistic cycle by adopting such a mind set.

2. What makes someone who identifies as gay, gay? If the person who posted this post wants to date women, i'm not going to discourage that in anyway.

 

But yes. You're right. The younger ones tend to be immature. 

 

I'm just saying why lie to yourself if you obviously like guys? So after countless failures of a certain gender you can change yourself? If that were the case I would be more than happy to date girls and lead a normal life. 

 

Men are not horny animals? Look at all those peeping tom cases. What drives them to do such things? 

 

You see many people wandering around in dating apps only to realise that what they really want is just sex. So what's wrong with looking for socks? Whats wrong with hoping that I find something other than socks while looking ? 

 

And yes. I've given up. Most are in it for sex and when you say you're not looking for sex they act as if we could be something else like being friends and whatnot but then disappear no matter how hard I try to keep the conversation going. Yeah... Not horny animals indeed. 

[justincayl]

On 5/15/2019 at 9:37 PM, lonely57 said:

 

. 

 

. ❤️

Edited May 22, 2019 by justincayl

[Guest arhhhh]

On 4/20/2019 at 1:54 AM, Guest Avocado said:

As the title goes I’m a 21yo chinese dude. I only stopped being delusional few months back and started looking for guys to date, on apps like Tinder. So out of the hundreds of guys I swiped on Tinder, I only found like 5~10 guys attractive. I also tried other apps like Jackd and yea I do find some guys attractive too (some are repetitive on Tinder) but I can’t let down my guard with people on the J app so I will just end up deleting the app anyway.

 

Ok so on tinder after matching up, I met up with some of them. 1 had depression, few turned out to be feminine, 1 was just out for fun and there were mutual friendzones etc etc so up till now I haven’t dated anybody yet. So whenever I stopped talking to somebody I go back on Tinder to swipe and it has been going on for weeks and months and basically there’s nobody else to swipe already. I usually limit the age from 18-24 and distance 40km so I changed it to 18-28 and 100km. 

 

Ok so basically this to and fro thing has been really tiring for me because I’m quite a simple and traditional person. I’m decent looking, gym frequently and v straight acting (like in real life girls will show their feelings to me etc). So Im just looking for a guy who I can have feelings for (not feminine etc etc) to attempt to date exclusively: (I personally believe dating should be exclusive but from what I hear it’s always not the case) and it always ends to no avail.

 

So I’m quite an emotional person with insecurities too and this is driving me nuts because of all the insecurities. I’m not physically attracted to girls but it’s so hard to find a guy to date (I’m not even picky I’m just looking for basic traits of a man) I’m still a fkin virgin when I’m gg 22 soon although I receive oral before. (Never gave one) I’m just ranting it out because I’m so dam frustrated to the point that I’ll just force myself to be with a girl. (I know yall might say it’s irresponsible for the girl but if I’m dating a girl  I’ll try to give her everything I can. But physically it will be hard cos I have never seen a vagina before)

 

All are factual and it’s just a story of mine so no hate pls. Would appreciate any good advice woohoo thanks for reading.

Me too!!!!

 

[Guest Hmm]

1 hour ago, lonely57 said:

 

I'm just saying why lie to yourself if you obviously like guys? So after countless failures of a certain gender you can change yourself? If that were the case I would be more than happy to date girls and lead a normal life. 

 

Men are not horny animals? Look at all those peeping tom cases. What drives them to do such things? 

 

You see many people wandering around in dating apps only to realise that what they really want is just sex. So what's wrong with looking for socks? Whats wrong with hoping that I find something other than socks while looking ? 

 

And yes. I've given up. Most are in it for sex and when you say you're not looking for sex they act as if we could be something else like being friends and whatnot but then disappear no matter how hard I try to keep the conversation going. Yeah... Not horny animals indeed. 

It is very obvious you have been looking at the wrong places, losing hope and adopting this negative worldview that, ultimately, will not help you (heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?).

 

I will not deny that sizable proportion of the homosexual male population is promiscuous and toxic. But it will never be true that there are no gay men in "ordinary", happy and fulfilling monogamous relationships. There are such people out there; and I bet my penis you will never find them in seedy places.

 

I do not and will never believe in using apps to find love. Grindr is for hookups, can we just admit this already? If that's your thing, go ahead. But don't for a second expect anything more in that environment. Say (and think) it like it is.

[lonely57]

16 hours ago, Guest Hmm said:

It is very obvious you have been looking at the wrong places, losing hope and adopting this negative worldview that, ultimately, will not help you (heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?).

 

I will not deny that sizable proportion of the homosexual male population is promiscuous and toxic. But it will never be true that there are no gay men in "ordinary", happy and fulfilling monogamous relationships. There are such people out there; and I bet my penis you will never find them in seedy places.

 

I do not and will never believe in using apps to find love. Grindr is for hookups, can we just admit this already? If that's your thing, go ahead. But don't for a second expect anything more in that environment. Say (and think) it like it is.

 

I'm not saying that there are no success stories out there. If there are success stories means the eligible ones are mostly taken. 

 

And where else would u find guys other than dating apps? Even tinder faces the same problem. I'm not so thick skin to randomly go up to a guy to ask if he's gay and if he's interested. And you also can't deny that there are no relationships that were built on Grindr and all these apps. 

Edited May 16, 2019 by lonely57

[tomcat]

23 minutes ago, lonely57 said:

 

I'm not saying that there are no success stories out there. If there are success stories means the eligible ones are mostly taken. 

 

And where else would u find guys other than dating apps? Even tinder faces the same problem. I'm not so thick skin to randomly go up to a guy to ask if he's gay and if he's interested. And you also can't deny that there are no relationships that were built on Grindr and all these apps. 

Opportunity is there if you are open to it.

Guys are everywhere, and if the connection is sincere, something will spark. If not a relationship, at least a honest friendship or bromance.

Your replies  seems to suggest everything comes externally and that your happiness is dependent on external forces. This is what I mean by Rapunzel syndrome.

 

My question is: What do YOU bring to the table to increase your chances of being date-worthy or becoming a prospective life partner?

That effort, honesty, openness & energy all comes from you. At some point, we all have to take equal responsibility for our own happiness.

Not everything is due to bad luck, bad timing, lousy men, or moral-eroding apps. 

The silver lining here is that the latter are all things that come and go, but the rest are your own intrinsic qualities that you choose to nurture and grow.

You are building your own well of power and self-worth - that one, nobody can take away from you.

So please learn to shine, love yourself more - because if you don't, who will? Like Justin mentioned, don't lose hope. It's only over when we are dead.
 

[Guest Avocado]

Hi guys thanks for sharing your thoughts and I’ve read them all. Sorry for the late response coz it’s been awhile since I came on BW.

 

A quick update is that I’m seeing someone now. It started when he dm’ed me on IG and we went on dates and it felt great. He’s a younger guy but he’s pretty mature and straightforward about things so it feels good.

[aedirn]

1 hour ago, Guest Avocado said:

Hi guys thanks for sharing your thoughts and I’ve read them all. Sorry for the late response coz it’s been awhile since I came on BW.

 

A quick update is that I’m seeing someone now. It started when he dm’ed me on IG and we went on dates and it felt great. He’s a younger guy but he’s pretty mature and straightforward about things so it feels good.

good luck and keep it up! time to turn into avocado honey milkshake.

[Guest Lost]

1 hour ago, Guest Avocado said:

Hi guys thanks for sharing your thoughts and I’ve read them all. Sorry for the late response coz it’s been awhile since I came on BW.

 

A quick update is that I’m seeing someone now. It started when he dm’ed me on IG and we went on dates and it felt great. He’s a younger guy but he’s pretty mature and straightforward about things so it feels good.

Incredible. How does one gets a date via ig? *envious*

 

Meanwhile I am still struggling to forget about a friend whom I have crush for. Told me he was wooed by guys but didnt accept because he is straight. 

[sum1outhere_03]

On 4/20/2019 at 9:16 AM, Guest Lol said:

 

You are 21 yet never seen straight porn before? Hard to believe lol. Vagina and boobs disgust me, but if you get turned on (dick gets hard) looking at them then likely you are bisexual.

 

I don't know if one could be concluded as gay or bisexual as such based on this conclusion as for my case, I watch gay & bi porn but I have never done anything physical with any ladies yet.

 

Anyway that was what I noticed too. The ones who are (super) good looking ones, don't seem to reply me. Only those who are looking for sex.

 

One way to seek friends is to volunteer. Google and you can find non profit orgs, they need people. during the course, there are chances of making friends as well.

[Guest Askingforaftiend]

I’m curious when was ur first sex

[yuquidam]

Am wondering how Avocado is doing now. Hope you're happily "married" to the younger but mature fren you said you found on ig.

[Guest Banana]

On 4/20/2019 at 1:54 AM, Guest Avocado said:

As the title goes I’m a 21yo chinese dude. I only stopped being delusional few months back and started looking for guys to date, on apps like Tinder. So out of the hundreds of guys I swiped on Tinder, I only found like 5~10 guys attractive. I also tried other apps like Jackd and yea I do find some guys attractive too (some are repetitive on Tinder) but I can’t let down my guard with people on the J app so I will just end up deleting the app anyway.

 

Ok so on tinder after matching up, I met up with some of them. 1 had depression, few turned out to be feminine, 1 was just out for fun and there were mutual friendzones etc etc so up till now I haven’t dated anybody yet. So whenever I stopped talking to somebody I go back on Tinder to swipe and it has been going on for weeks and months and basically there’s nobody else to swipe already. I usually limit the age from 18-24 and distance 40km so I changed it to 18-28 and 100km. 

 

Ok so basically this to and fro thing has been really tiring for me because I’m quite a simple and traditional person. I’m decent looking, gym frequently and v straight acting (like in real life girls will show their feelings to me etc). So Im just looking for a guy who I can have feelings for (not feminine etc etc) to attempt to date exclusively: (I personally believe dating should be exclusive but from what I hear it’s always not the case) and it always ends to no avail.

 

So I’m quite an emotional person with insecurities too and this is driving me nuts because of all the insecurities. I’m not physically attracted to girls but it’s so hard to find a guy to date (I’m not even picky I’m just looking for basic traits of a man) I’m still a fkin virgin when I’m gg 22 soon although I receive oral before. (Never gave one) I’m just ranting it out because I’m so dam frustrated to the point that I’ll just force myself to be with a girl. (I know yall might say it’s irresponsible for the girl but if I’m dating a girl  I’ll try to give her everything I can. But physically it will be hard cos I have never seen a vagina before)

 

All are factual and it’s just a story of mine so no hate pls. Would appreciate any good advice woohoo thanks for reading.

 

Hi avocado, you need to keep the standards much lower especially from guys in apps like Jackd and Grindr. Even if such a perfect guy exist, he might be chatting with 100+ guys simultaneously on the apps who are more handsome or have a better than you and so he can break up with you anytime. This is the curse of being gay, most are only out to have fun and not serious with relationships. I am your senior and have experienced exactly the same situation years back, pretty much given up on the phrase "long term relationship" in this community. Good luck!

[Steve5380]

2 hours ago, Guest Banana said:

 

Hi avocado, you need to keep the standards much lower especially from guys in apps like Jackd and Grindr. Even if such a perfect guy exist, he might be chatting with 100+ guys simultaneously on the apps who are more handsome or have a better than you and so he can break up with you anytime. This is the curse of being gay, most are only out to have fun and not serious with relationships. I am your senior and have experienced exactly the same situation years back, pretty much given up on the phrase "long term relationship" in this community. Good luck!

 

It may not be necessary to lower our standards, but it is wise to lower our expectations.

When we are young and with raging hormones,  it makes sense that we give the highest attention to our standards of sex.

When growing up and older, other standards start to emerge too.

 

We don't have "long term relationship" with a community but with a person. 

And THE person may appear regardless of the community.

So keep your hopes high that this may happen to you.

 

[Guest Avocado]

Hahaha hi guys, it’s been about a year and a half since I created this thread, and I hope you all are doing great! 
 

To yoquidam: Unfortunately, I did not get together with the guy I met on insta. We came to a consensus that we weren’t a very good fit, and we stopped talking after a month or so. 
 

Ok so for an update, during this time away, there were many changes that happened. I came out to my family and some of my friends, and although they took some time to accept it, they grew supportive over time. I also had my first relationship, but we broke off earlier this year, before circuit breaker. 
 

I’m currently seeing a guy I met on Tinder, 2 years younger, and we dated three months before becoming official. We have our differences and we do argue at times, but slowly and gradually, we’re learning to compromise and accept our differences.
 

That should be it for now, and please feel free to tell your story too and I’ll be sure to check this thread from time to time. :-)