Gay teen’s heartbreaking suicide note describing bullying & abuse is rocking Chinese social media

[GachiMuchi]

Gay teen’s heartbreaking suicide note describing bullying & abuse is rocking Chinese social media

Police found the teen safe several hours after he posted the message.

By Alex Bollinger Wednesday, May 15, 2019     10 Comments

 

A gay 15-year-old who left a suicide note on social media was found earlier today and is currently safe. The teen, who has not been named in the media, lives in the Chinese city of Qingdao, a city of six million.

He wrote a long post on Weibo, a Chinese social media platform, that described the abuse he faced from a homophobic society.

“Growing up a frail and meek boy, I am that ‘fem’ everyone is referring to,” he wrote. “An easy target, bullied, assaulted, teased, abused, and shunned by classmates and teachers alike.”

“This is how I grew up, and so did many other gay children.”

Related: China is shutting down local LGBTQ groups, using this sneaky bureaucratic trick

He said that he came to realize he was gay and, though a good student, he was bullied at school and beaten by his teacher for not being masculine enough.

He came out to his mother, who he said tolerated his sexual orientation, but between the bullying he faced at school and the abuse he faced from his father, he was going to take his own life. He apologized for his “cowardice” in the note.

The post received tens of thousands of comments, mostly supportive. He was found ten hours later by police.

Homosexuality is legal in China, but marriage equality and adoption by same-sex couples are not, and the law does not ban discrimination against LGBTQ people.

China’s government has taken steps to keep LGBTQ ideas out of the media, like banning LGBTQ topics from the internet and television, calling homosexuality “abnormal sexual relationships and behaviors.”

Earlier this year, China censored gay content in the film Bohemian Rhapsody and plans to do the same to the Elton John biopic Rocket Man.

A recent survey found that 85% of LGBTQ students in China are depressed and 40% have considered suicide.

The entire post from the anonymous gay teen is below, translated to English by the Beijing LGBT Center.

I am from Qingdao and am a 15-year-old student from Laoshan No.8 Secondary School.

I am a homosexual. I never expected I would be able to utter this word.

Growing up a frail and meek boy, I am that ‘fem’ everyone is referring to. An easy target, bullied, assaulted, teased, abused, and shunned by classmates and teachers alike. This is how I grew up, and so did many other gay children. Naive as I was, I did not fight back or told anyone about my feelings. I was afraid, and am still afraid of this world. I acted strangely and they called me lunatic, but I know that was my only way to protect myself. After I tried in vain to fit in, I chose to close myself from this world, and this is how I lived my childhood.

By sheer luck, I had a short childhood. I started to realize what’s ‘strange’ with me in grade 5 or 6. I remember how I exulted when I first read about affirmative answers about gay on Zhihu [Chinese version of Quora]. But I was soon overwhelmed by those derogatory, abusive, and hurtful answers. I cried the whole night and yet I put my mask back on the very next morning. What people saw as maturity in me was in fact avoidance and isolation.

Things got a little better in secondary school because I am a top student. There was less bullying but I reminded that fem guy teased and mocked at by everyone. Among the worst was my class teacher, Chen Feng. For two years he inflicted me with corporal punishments. Listening to him indoctrinating his banal views was pure suffering. I’ve got enough of his so-called masculinity values, his genders have their fixed roles, his homosexuals are modern perverts. Yet he is not alone among his peers and colleagues. I have had enough of my teachers’ cursing, smearing, ridiculing, and insulting anything related to gays. All their rubbish made me sick and isolated.

Gradually I become irritable and violent. I came out to my mother rather abruptly. Though she seemed to have acquiesced it, I was giving in to the pressure and thinking about ending everything. I have no idea what happened to me and I know choosing death is not courageous, but rather an act of cowardice. I chose to avoid my family and I knew my indifference and avoidance hurt them, especially my mom, the one person who loves me the most.

My father is a weak and arrogant scum and inflicted my mother her whole life. He broke down my door when I was most vulnerable and isolated and banged my head on the wall. At that moment, I only wished he could kill me. But he was stopped by my sister.

Just now, my so-called “family” once again stormed my room and hurled their most insulting curses at me. I realized that my mom might be the only person who can accept me in this world. Or maybe she was just pretending too.

This is not the first time I’ve thought about dying to end it all. Just a few days ago, I scaled high trying to leave all these sufferings. When I called my mom to hear her voice one last time, I hesitated, climbed down and wandered for miles away from home.

Now I have once again escaped from home with that scum’s phone in my hand. Yes, this account is my father’s. I want to tell the world what I’ve always wanted to say and to do. And then leave this world forever.

I understand living on might be the better choice. I could have a bright future and watch this world getting more open and inclusive. But I have had enough. I am sorry to have vented everything on here, and I am sorry to be so weak my entire life. I wanted to do something for this world but in reality, I can do nothing. I know, China will not have its own Stonewall; its people can put up with anything. I am losing control of emotion…

I apologize for my cowardice. To be honest, I am not innocent. But even if I had the courage to change the world, a stab in the back could have easily killed me. I have chosen to solve the radical question with the radical way.

I love you all, the kind and beautiful people of conscience, I trust you to make the world better. If there were a heaven, I will send my blessings… I wish my story will be a faint voice to your fight.

 

 

[GachiMuchi]

15 岁同性恋男生留遗书两次失联，左手曾被父亲打骨折，骂“变态”

文 | 每日人物易方兴 编辑王辉

" 孩子找到了，一切平安，谢谢您。"

5 月 15 日下午两点，青岛崂山八中再次失联的同学小硕的姐姐给《每日人物》发来了回复。

在青岛崂山的 15 岁男孩小硕，由于自己是同性恋的身份，长期以来遭遇校园霸凌和家庭暴力。最严重的时候，左手手骨被父亲打致脱臼，更多的时候是来自家人的不理解和质问：" 你是不是有病，你是不是变态？"

最终选择在 5 月 14 日晚上 11 点，在微博发出一篇 2000 字的遗书后失踪。

所幸青岛警方及时介入，在小硕的奶奶家将其找到。随后，趁着上厕所的机会，小硕再次出逃。直到 5 月 15 日下午两点再次被找到。

事情远未结束。小硕在微博里公布了自己的班级、姓名，同时还激烈批评了自己的父亲、老师——接下来，他将如何面对自己？如何面对同学和家人？又如何面对未来的生活？

即便留遗书自杀，小硕的父亲也否认儿子系同性恋的事实。据《新京报》报道，小硕父亲回应称，" 没有这回事，他叛逆，瞎编的 "。

临近的 5 月 17 日的国际反恐同日，世界卫生组织在 29 年前第一次将 " 同性恋 " 从精神病名册中移除，但直至今日，世人对同性恋的恐惧、不解、歧视依然时有发生。

15 岁的青岛少年小硕

出走的少年

小硕的出走，发生在一次极端的家庭暴力之后。

在今年的一段时间里，在向母亲出柜之后，小硕常常躲在房间里，用逃避的方式来逃开非议。

但在家里，他无处可逃。父亲用斧子把小硕的门砸开，然后父子二人打了一架，" 我掐住他的脖子，然而又松手了 "，小硕在遗书里写道。这或许更加激怒了他的父亲，他被父亲用手抓住头，狠狠往墙壁上撞，身上也不知遭到了多少拳头。

小硕的家乡崂山位于山东青岛市东部，在南北朝时期又称 " 牢山 "。对小硕来说，这可能真的意味着一座 " 监牢 "。因为同性恋的身份不被认可，长期以来他几乎孤身一人。

在被父亲打得最狠的时候，小硕当时想的是，" 让我爸把我打死。"

恰巧，小硕的姐姐回到了家，阻止了这一切。在医院，他的左手被诊断为有一块骨头左右脱位。需要住院做手术。

5 月 13 日，小硕写下遗书的前一天，左手刚刚痊愈，他拆下绷带，看到手上的伤疤。" 我的父亲，一个懦弱无能，又自以为是的渣男，当年家暴了我的母亲，如今 ……"

他一度放心不下自己的母亲。在漫无目的走出离家十几里地之外，小硕给母亲打了一个电话，只希望能再听听母亲的声音。小时候，小硕曾经生过一场大病，正是母亲一天又一天的在医院照顾他。他觉得世界上只有母亲一个人能理解他，所以母亲一个 " 硕 " 字又让他动摇了。小硕回家了。

这本可成为事件的转机。然而离家出走的行为再次被亲人责骂，" 你是不是有病，你是不是变态？"

这彻底把小硕推向了另一面。小硕写道，我从后门冲了出来，慌乱中，只拿了那个男人的手机。没错，这个账号是我爸爸的。我会把我想说的，想做的，说给我想告知的人，然后，离开这个世界。"

他决定 " 用最极端的方式解决问题 " ——死亡。

小硕遗书，目前已被删除

本来的面貌

在微博的照片里，小硕穿着一身白底黑袖的三叶草 T 恤，清秀腼腆的脸上带着略显羞涩的笑。你很难把这样一个面孔和自杀、出走联系到一起。

很多细节透露，15 岁的小硕身上有其闪亮美好的一面。

初中之后，小硕的学习成绩常常名列前茅，自然成为父母和姐姐口中对外人的谈资：我家孩子考试又得了第一名。

他在遗书中超过三次地提到了自己母亲，讲述了其对母亲的爱和感激；即便他憎恨的父亲，在其离家出走时拿走父亲的手机，但在准备死之前依然不忘说会想办法把手机还给父亲 ……

这些特质也从其他的渠道得到了印证。在一份《2017 年全国中学生英语能力竞赛青岛赛区决赛通知》中显示，小硕成功进入了青岛赛区决赛。

实际上，与其他的同龄人一样，在生活和个人爱好中，小硕是一个普通男孩子。

小硕用 " 泞玉丑兮 " 作为自己的账号，他在网上留下了自己的足迹。

他热爱音乐，在某音乐 APP 中一共收藏了 168 首喜欢的音乐。他听得最多的一首歌是已经去世的歌手姚贝娜的《也许明天》。这首歌里有句歌词，" 越心痛就越快乐，越想快乐越寂寞。"

他也热爱电影。常常为喜爱的电影写影评。他最喜欢的电影是李安导演的《断背山》，最喜欢的其中的一句台词 "jack，I swear"。他把这部电影形容为 " 陈年老窖 "。

他也像其他中学生一样，有时候喜欢玩手机游戏，比如《王者荣耀》。在今年 3 月份的一篇帖子里，他还详细的分析了自己喜欢使用的游戏角色。

和解与抗争

但同性恋的身份，让小硕的一切都变得沉重了。

沉重的一面来自于学校。他在遗书里写道，" 我是从小被身边的人，学生们，老师们，或者其他的人们讽刺挖苦，拳脚相加长大的。我也知道，这是不少 gay 的童年经历。不谙世事的我们不明白反抗，也不敢告知于老师家人、朋友，我甚至不敢自我肯定。"

他总结道，" 我害怕，恐惧这个世界。"

之后，小硕变得有时候疯疯癫癫来伪装自己，有时候浑身长满了刺、缩进壳里，有时候又把自己封闭到自我的世界中。最终，他成了一个在学校形单影只的人。他向自己的老师诉苦，老师却拿棍棒打他，告诉他，阴阳结合才是对的，他只不过是 " 新时代的变态 "。

沉重的另一面来自于家庭。此前，他向母亲一人出柜，母亲在某种程度上理解了他。不过，其他所有的亲人都觉得他 " 有问题 "。几天之前，他离家出走从同学家回来，却发现他们全家所有人都去外婆家了，家门紧锁他进不去，他觉得 " 自己被抛弃了。"

再后来，就是与父亲之间发生的暴力冲突，随后是医院里的手术、住院。

小硕遭遇到的，几乎是大部分同性恋群体都遭遇的 " 恐同 " 问题。其中甚至不乏一些推动人类社会进步的伟大人物。比如计算机之父、人工智能之父、英国数学家、逻辑学家图灵，他生于一个同性恋被明确为有罪的年代。被人发现之后，警方给他了两个选择：坐牢、或者化学阉割。

注射了荷尔蒙之后，图灵更加被社会孤立，最后 1954 年 6 月 8 日，图灵被发现自杀于床上。

在国内，同性恋遭遇的歧视和不公正的待遇时有发生，甚至有同性恋因身份歧视而选择自杀。

2014 年，两名同性恋约会开房后因 100 元发生纠纷，被路人拍下视频爆光。其中一个主角因此被公司解雇，起诉维权也遭败诉。2017 年，31 岁的山东教师明珏也因同性恋身份在家长前曝光，被校方决定开除。同年 6 月 6 日，在江苏淮安，一名同性恋大学生被发现烧炭死于家中。

最近的一次，是在 4 月 27 日。一位在浙江湖州市练市镇政府工作的公务员，因同性恋身份遭受到排挤及不公待遇等问题，留遗书自杀未遂。

 

[FattChoy]

It's always some other people's fault when it comes to suicides....(in a sarcastic tone).  How about taking ownership for one's actions?  Never heard of this concept? ..... aiya.... so sad lor .... 

 

 

Edited May 18, 2019 by FattChoy

[Steve5380]

1 hour ago, FattChoy said:

It's always some other people's fault when it comes to suicides.  How about taking ownership for one's actions?  Never heard of this concept? ..... aiya.... so sad lor .... 

 

 

The suicidal not always blame other people.  The suicidal may be depressed himself, like by grief from the death of a child, spouse. 

In any case, one should not BLAME the suicidal but TREAT, HELP them.

 

Every time I hear of gay teens committing suicide the same thought comes to mind:  Don't these televangelists who preach the evils of homosexuality read any details about the life of these suicidal? How can they believe that they CHOSE to SIN and became gay?  I have reached a conclusion:  they don't BELIEVE it.  They don't care.  It is part of their profession as Christian preachers to aggrandize themselves on the condemnation of sinners, and it is not their job to question if the sins are real or fabricated by their religion.

Edited May 18, 2019 by Steve5380

[Guest guest]

Glad that he is safe. 

[Guest Cruel society]

It's common, not only for LGBT but I have seen in the past, those with mental sickness, handicap being bullied as well. I always believed in karma and have seen it being applied to the wrong doers as they get older. Always do good deeds and have a good heart.

[Guest fatass]

15 hours ago, FattChoy said:

It's always some other people's fault when it comes to suicides....(in a sarcastic tone).  How about taking ownership for one's actions?  Never heard of this concept? ..... aiya.... so sad lor .... 

 

 

 

what the hell are u talking about? what concept are u uttering? aiya so sad lor u shud just shut up and keep ur rubbish in ur own fat belly.

[Guest SunHo]

34 minutes ago, Guest fatass said:

 

what the hell are u talking about? what concept are u uttering? aiya so sad lor u shud just shut up and keep ur rubbish in ur own fat belly.

 

Exactly.

[Guest Fit Uncle]

I think that being gay is only the secondary problem. The main problem is that he's weak, both physically and mentally.

 

I'm gay myself, so what. Nobody dares to bully me.

Physically, I train myself to be stronger. That's why the gym culture of gays is good.

Mentally, I'll can show aggression if people try to intimidate me. That's enough to warn them off.

 

If you are weak, train yourself physically and mentally.

 

If you're effeminate, then lose your timidness by acting crazy like those WWE wrestlers. Bang your fist on the wall( not so hard, acting only), bang your head on the wall (again, just barely touching the wall), growl at the wall ...of course, do these aggression actings in private.

 

Practice these aggression actings long enough, it will show up naturally in your unconscious behavior. It will also raise your male aggression hormones and make you believe that you can take those pain of hard exercises. That will help you to train physically as well. That's why weight lifters growl when lifting heavy weights.

 

Only you can help yourself. Nice guys only get bullied. You can still be nice inside but learn to show aggression outside.

[fab]

IMO he's too precocious. There's no need to come out at 15 yo.

 

Come out when u r financially independent or have found someone worthy of your love.

[Steve5380]

On 5/18/2019 at 6:12 AM, GachiMuchi said:

Gay teen’s heartbreaking suicide note describing bullying & abuse is rocking Chinese social media

A meek boy, I am that ‘fem’ everyone is referring to,” he wrote. “An easy target, bullied, assaulted, teased, abused, and shunned by classmates and teachers alike.”

“This is how I grew up, and so did many other gay children.”

He said that he came to realize he was gay and, though a good student, he was bullied at school and beaten by his teacher for not being masculine enough.

He came out to his mother, who he said tolerated his sexual orientation, but between the bullying he faced at school and the abuse he faced from his father, he was going to take his own life. He apologized for his “cowardice” in the note.

 

 

It was not enough for his mother to "tolerate" his sexual orientation.  And of course the abusive father is borderline criminal.

Good parents who have a gay boy should give him all the love he needs and prepare him to cope with his handicaps in the most favorable way.  Like "Guest Fit Uncle" wrote, a fearful vulnerable weak young boy needs the best self-defense education possible.  As early as possible he should be initiated and encouraged to learn a martial art, in an academy that makes it fun or with private tutoring.  He should learn to fight,  boxing, judo, etc.   The father should spar with him in a playful way to dissipate his fears and see it as non threatening for himself.

 

My bf had a friend, as gay as they come,  whose family was like that.  Very accepting of him,  his father took him to a school of karate and he practiced it for many years.  He could beat the hell out of the big guys,  something my bf witnessed several times.  

 

[Pubic01]

This poor boy deserves a more caring family. Some parents are not deserving of their kids. 

[fab]

1 hour ago, Steve5380 said:

 

It was not enough for his mother to "tolerate" his sexual orientation.  And of course the abusive father is borderline criminal.

Good parents who have a gay boy should give him all the love he needs and prepare him to cope with his handicaps in the most favorable way.  Like "Guest Fit Uncle" wrote, a fearful vulnerable weak young boy needs the best self-defense education possible.  As early as possible he should be initiated and encouraged to learn a martial art, in an academy that makes it fun or with private tutoring.  He should learn to fight,  boxing, judo, etc.   The father should spar with him in a playful way to dissipate his fears and see it as non threatening for himself.

 

My bf had a friend, as gay as they come,  whose family was like that.  Very accepting of him,  his father took him to a school of karate and he practiced it for many years.  He could beat the hell out of the big guys,  something my bf witnessed several times.  

 

 

Unfortunately east versus west.

 

U like raw while we like cooked veg.

[Guest Guest]

I have zero sympathy for him. The life he is going through is no different from how many of us gay Singaporeans had to go through too. But how many went online to proclaim suicide? Besides, it's easier for him to run away and seek new life elsewhere in China himself, as compared to here in Singapore. He is merely seeking attention, which he has now gotten, even though it was not rightfully deserving. So folks, move on already. 

[Steve5380]

7 hours ago, fab said:

 

Unfortunately east versus west.

 

U like raw while we like cooked veg.

 

East vs. West?

One sees in the east plenty of cellphones, cars, motorcycles, designer clothes, fast-food places...  all introduced from the west.

If you can import plenty of negative habits, why not the positive ones?

 

7 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

I have zero sympathy for him. The life he is going through is no different from how many of us gay Singaporeans had to go through too. But how many went online to proclaim suicide? Besides, it's easier for him to run away and seek new life elsewhere in China himself, as compared to here in Singapore. He is merely seeking attention, which he has now gotten, even though it was not rightfully deserving. So folks, move on already. 

 

For a child to run away and seek new life is bad enough!  Why should others go through the same miserable life you did?

Hopefully all kids who are suicidal would strongly call for attention instead of showing up dead one day!

[fab]

33 minutes ago, Steve5380 said:

 

East vs. West?

One sees in the east plenty of cellphones, cars, motorcycles, designer clothes, fast-food places...  all introduced from the west.

If you can import plenty of negative habits, why not the positive ones?

 

 

 

 

Values, especially traditional ones, can't be imported.

[Steve5380]

1 hour ago, fab said:

 

Values, especially traditional ones, can't be imported.

 

Hmmm....   what about the traditional values of Christianity that have been imported into SG in modern times,  at the expense of Taoism and Buddhism?

[Guest Fit Uncle]

9 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

I have zero sympathy for him. The life he is going through is no different from how many of us gay Singaporeans had to go through too. But how many went online to proclaim suicide? Besides, it's easier for him to run away and seek new life elsewhere in China himself, as compared to here in Singapore. He is merely seeking attention, which he has now gotten, even though it was not rightfully deserving. So folks, move on already. 

If he's seeking attention to fight back, it's good. Just fight, any fight, try to fight and never give up to be someone's punching bag.

 

[Guest Fit Uncle]

10 hours ago, fab said:

 

Unfortunately east versus west.

 

U like raw while we like cooked veg.

There's no east vs west in this age of global internet.

You're referring to the soft images of oriental men, even the straights here and the gays supposed to be worse.

Time to change and swole up.