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The Cloud Diary- 白云日记☁


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Time

Should I waste my time on you who i can't control
Should i waste my time on things that is of my beyond
Can't we see the time that went tick tock
Is this the right time or is it not?

They say time flows like a stream
To a land where there are many dreams
But you told me you did like to be a place full of surprises and supremes
There are no other choices but this is the way its seems.

I do not know what to say
The world is so full of grey
You say I am imperfect and this I know
Yet I still think you are gold
I may be kind and silly but it’s not fine.
Your avoidant ways clearly shows through time

Time will reveal who you are
And you can really be a pain in the arse
Letting you go should keep you afar
As there is nothing left to be my fuss
Finally I can get on my path.

 

E.T.

13.01.2019

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2019年 11月 11日 晴

 

无至尽
昨夜的心情就好比过山车,这种五味杂陈的心境我也说不上,也只能说他的倒影任然牵着我对他那无至尽的思念. 在繁华的城市里, 孤单是必然的, 知心朋友就显得非常的珍贵。

情可分为- 亲情,爱情,友情。虽然有别,但最基本的理念还是要有- 比如说 博爱,尊重与接纳。我还在学习要当位称职的儿,弟,舅,侄,友和爱人。请给我时间,我会尽量做得最好。谁没有在人生的旅途上,遇到那一或几段刻骨铭心的故事。但要从故事中吸取人生的教训和爱的真谛,还真的没几个。

太家都有那位刻苦铭心的对象,不是吗?

在夜深人静里,我也只能感叹人性最自私、残酷、任性与固执的一面。算了,就让时间冲淡一切吧!我可不是圣人。离异不代表放弃,只是需要时间喘口气,然后再继续那段不离不弃的团聚。

 

加油吧。。。 白云!

Edited by amuse.ed
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2019年 11月 12日 晴

 

I prefer writing my diary in the morning to consolidate my thoughts of what has happened the previous day. Perhaps I took after my father, I remembered Ah Ma told me while I was young, dad would sat at his study table, lowered his head, held a lighted cigarettes in his left hand and I meant holding it literally till part of the ashes dropped into the bin. Ah Ma explained that he was writing for work but there was a laptop isn't it? Why on a hardcopy notebook? I have never gotten an answer for that. In retrospect, he could be thinking of my late mother who passed on in a road traffic accident 19 years ago, the day I was born. Yes, I survived and she didn't. Till this day, no one wish to talk about it... my grandparents, Auntie and relatives especially. 

 

It was 17th Nov 2000, 2.55pm. 5 days from now.  

 

I missed you Mum, I have never had a chance to see how you looked like because someone told dad to destroy all your items including pictures of you. Auntie Bee said dad was devastated then and that was the only thing that he could do in order not to be constantly reminded of you. But the someone's advice and dad actions had deprived me from reminiscing how you looks like and I dislike that. Angry!

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和我决裂后 你还好吗?
有没有想起那段美好时光
泪流干后 我抗起背包 徘徊街头
往事历历在目 涌上心头
多年以后 还是个问号
对不起这背包我丢不掉
用烟酒电动游戏麻醉
无数与你共度的美好时光
保持安全距离 好不好
这样的安排 可以吗?
忽远忽近又偶尔侧面相遇
无需打招呼 你就长住在我心深处

这样的结果是你要的吗?


E.T. 
02.01.2018

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2019 11月 13日 阴

Dad returned home this early morning, drunk again. Yes, it's the time of the year where dad will soak himself in that emo state. 4 more days to go.... roll eyes... never have I seen him all my life. Ah Ma told me that dad used to be a cheerful toddler but ever since he went primary school, things changed drastically. According to Ah Ma, dad was made to be class monitor for his entire primary life and school prefect in his secondary school days. In those days, this was considered quite an achievement but to me it is kinda suck having to be the class enemy for 10 straight years? I wonder how dad survived his growing up years. I hated anyone that tried to control and instill discipline upon me. Ah Gong is the best, he rarely speaks and kitchen is his territory. Ah Ma helms the rest of the household and doted me alot. Auntie Bee.... hmmm I don't know eversince she gave birth to cousin, she toned down her temper for quite a fair bit.

 

Well, a few more months to my enlistment. My peers are all gear up. Dad never shared about his NS life, all I knew was he has never had his reservist ever since I knew the existence of NS. Looking forward to this Friday outing with Leonard, he is a senior that I look up to, akin my big brother. Dad is still in his slumber land, I can hear him snore from his room. Looks like its just an another day. Yawnzzz. 

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侧面

 

侧面斜视着 心里有话想说
但无法直视 你那温柔双眸
对你的思念也不奇为过
现在的你可好 我真的不知道


就像百宝箱的深锁 打不开的痛
那一幕你说只能做朋友
还烙印在我心中
迟迟无法抹去的空


也许上天已知时机成熟
能够承受不敢直视你的痛
安排你从我侧面经过
现在的你可好 我好想说


想和你问个春夏秋冬
我不知你可否也侧视我
也许你没有 只因你忙着路过
我把紧绷的脖子放松


往另方向走 走出我的伤痛
现在的你可好 我何必知道太多
莫非是你呐喊着我的名
为何如此熟悉 我从梦中苏醒


心中带着一丝丝 我俩的甜蜜回忆
祝你 幸福美满安康快乐

 

E.T

16.09.2018

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2019 11月 14日 凉

I do have a lot of time to spare. And yes 3 more days to my birthday. Alot of seniors told me that though I am 18 years old, I do have an old man soul. I think, feel and behave differently from my peers who they regarded as "The durian generation". But one thing for sure, I am certainly an Ah Ma's boy.  "Mummy's boy" was so far fetched for me. Ah Ma and Auntie Bee are my mothers. Dad? He is the sole breadwinner, always busy with work and the only time I felt his presence was his loud and thunderous snores when I woke up in the morning. I have great interest in psychology and from what I read, he is those what the professionals would assessed as an "introverted absence father".

 

I am kind of the opposite of him and Ah Gong. I sensed that I bore characteristics of my mum, someone who is an extrovert, warmth and love to strike a conversation with anyone. Those seniors at the coffeeshop love chatting with me because I can help them set up their FB and IG account, update them with the latest trend and most importantly how this "durian generation" think, feel and behave. 

 

Yes. I spend alot of my time at the nearby coffeeshop nowadays since I am damn free. I do get free treats from the seniors. In business sense, its certainly a win-win situation because I brought value to them, vice versa. Its funny that those seniors started to brag how good their grand daughters are, one by one, they would "up sell their grand daughters". Ah Ma advised me to just smile and tell them 随缘- to let fate decides and it worked. They stopped thereafter. lol. 

 

I wonder if dad had experience such situation. Well, he is 41 years old, widowed with a 18 year old son, the most eligible widower, always busy with work and at times came home drunk not forgetting he snores, theatrically. I never have a step-mum nor get to see him with any lady friend let alone his female colleagues. I do have those social media account, Ah Gong, Ah Ma and Auntie Bee are in my friends list but dad claims that he never had one and I wonder why. 

 

Well it's another day.... 3 more days to birthday and few more months to enlistment. Yawnzzz.

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2019年 11月 15日 小雨

Gosh it's already noon. Let me chope the time and update later. zzzzzzzz. 

Was out drinking and ktv-ing with Jack, my neighbour in his 50s whom I got to know him from the coffeeshop I frequent. We literally drank one tower of beer each and stayed up till 2am. Hang over mode now. Jack shared his glorious days in NS and how lucky my generation is compared to his... his training was much tougher then and people saw the necessity for nation defence as we were still developing blah blah blah.

 

Well, its really none of my business I just wish that I can get the NS stint over and done with and enter the workforce asap. I enjoyed Jack company because his narrative of younger days never failed to entice me.  His eyes though small would brightened up when he spoke of his childhood, teenage, young adulthood years and how he strived in his F&B business and now semi retired. Jack had a colourful life, a life that I hope to achieved when I step out to the harsh reality of workforce. Jack emphasised that networking is extremely important and advised me to cast my net wide when I am enlisted, know more friends. I wished my dad could talk to me just like how Jack shared but dad sunken face has build this invisible wall between us..... xian. Ok. going for my late brunch now and back to slumber land before I meet Leonard for a show. 

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2019年 11月 16日 晴

Last night outing with Leonard was fun. We watched a live performance at one of those music cafes. The instrumentaliats and singers on stage were all professionals man. I love to sing but too bad I am musically instruments "declined". I could only hum along but cannot play any music instruments. Ah Ma used to bring me for keyboard and string class when I was young but alas the teacher gave up on me. Haha.

 

Anyway,  Gong will play his classic hokkien songs at the kitchen and Ah Ma played hers in the room i.e. Teresa Deng, Fei Yu Qing, Feng Fei Fei. For an 18yo to know songs of my gandparent era... I am pretty proud of myself. Oh not forgetting Auntie Bee... her Xinyao and those Taiwan Min Yao. Dad? I rarely heard him blasting his favourite music. My favourite? Besides Metallic and Heavy rock music, the rest are pretty fine for me. I can say that music is my life and I thank the universe for creating such element. Ok got to get busy with an event. 

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爱-- 它
义无反顾 却被爱打挎
对爱的执拗是对它的渴望
辽望着爱的铁塔
它是否还对我有一丝牵挂

这些年,惹上一身烂桃花
菊花 梅花 银花 白花旗放
盼望着转角有个真诚的他
愿與我白头到老

心中百般千挂
挥不散那阴影 是否是代价
徘徊在盼望中 是否是痴狂
还是那阴魂不散的魔法

为何还不放弃它
因为爱是希望
能让人在街道停止徘徊
在盼望中停止惆怅

 

E.T

15.07.2015

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在网上读到的。。。非常有意思。E.T

 

""叮当陪了大雄80年,
在大雄临死前,
他对叮当说:
「我走之后你就回到属于你的地方吧!」
叮当同意了!
大雄死后…
叮当用时光机回到了80年前,
对小时候的大雄说:
「大雄你好,我叫叮当。」

 

每次看到这个段子都很感动。

 

朋友也好,情人也罢,如果累了,我们就回到第一天见面的时候,喜欢是乍见之欢,爱是久处不厌。朋友们, 珍惜今生相遇吧!

 

人生若只如初见!"""

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2019年 11月 17日 

Dearest Mum,

Happy Birthday to me. At this time 19yrs ago, I am still in your womb. My birth time is 2.55pm and I wondered what did you and dad were doing at 10.55am back then. All I knew was Ah Ma told me you requested a sea burial and its inadvisable to erect a tomb for you as this will evokes dad memories. Perhaps your parents and sibling did one but again they were uncontactable since you passed on, they were non-existent in my life. Dad must have did something very wrong to receive that form of treatment from his in laws. My ex-classmates had always assumed that Auntie Bee is you because she will attend all the meet the parents sessions during my school days and we will always the last one to meet my form teacher. No one ever asked for you whereabouts least dad thus I don't tell. Mum, I knew you are at a better place now, kindly bless dad, though my birth certificate bears no name of yours but I know I am akin you, the total opposite of dad or perhaps I bore the personality and character of dad.... maybe the accident has further change his personality drastically? I don't know and choose not to know as well.

 

With love, your 19yo son. 

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2019年 11月 18日 阴

Went for a zone out walk yesterday morning. Clocked almost 15k steps within 2hrs. Quite an accomplishment I would say. As a Dargon (Chinese Horoscopes).  Ah Ma said that Dragons traits are dominance, ambition, have high sense of dignity, live by its own rule and prefer to be alone. Auntie Bee, an avid fan of western Horoscopes will said that I am Scorpio who takes great pride, care in myself and a person of integrity and discipline. Hmmm... i think its pretty accurate though I wish i can be more discipline. In fact, I just received a call from CMPB for me to attend a second medical review, perhaps because my last medical diagnosis was Bipolar Disorder and they have 2nd thought of enlisting me. I was diagnosed at the age of 15yo with this condition. Initially the medical professions thought that I have childhood ADHD but after some checks against the so called "The bible of psychiatric medicine- DSM", my doctor said I manifested signs and symptoms of Bipolar Disorder Type 2. What the hack, no wonder my enlistment was delayed for the longest time. Never mind lah, as a Chinese saying goes 见招拆招- take up the challenges as it comes. I don't really bother much about what is going to happen next. All I wish for is for my loved ones to be healthy and well. 

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瘾 09.12.2018 (星期日)
词曲: E.T.

我想 我是深爱着瘾
对瘾的思念 永不停息
朋友劝说铁定把瘾忘记
但是我 想说 谈何容易

烟灰缸香烟 烧成灰烬
瓶子里的红酒 空腹喝尽
电玩游戏 费劲全力
打败全世界 输了自己

Chorus
瘾 深烙 我脑海里
陪伴我 无数深夜里
怎能把瘾 轻易忘记
好比骨肉相连 无法分离

给我一点时间抽离
抽离和瘾 忽远又忽近
如果会有 那么一天
我会将瘾 撤离心底

Ending
渴望 我能跟随瘾
陪伴着 却是 我的倒影
对自己说真的没关系
给我时间把瘾撤离

Edited by amuse.ed
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2019 11月 19日 阴

I told Ah Ma and Ah Gong briefly about the 2nd medical review just now. Both agreed that its good not to serve also if the primary concern is really about my Bipolar Disorder. The recent deaths of NS men could have cast worries upon my grandparents as well, I am their only grandson and they can't afford to loose me...... especially to poor negligence. Dad is still sleeping, perhaps Ah Ma will update him at a later time. Honestly, I haven't seen or communicated with dad for close to 3 years, the only moment I felt his presence was his loud snore every morning and second guess he was drunk when I smelt reek of alcohol in his laundry. I just received a msg from uncle Jack asking me for another drinking session on Friday night, I declined primarily because of Ah Ma's grumbles and she has explicitly reminded me not to skip my medications anymore. But I don't like my medications at all, it gave me side effects, my hands trembled, I always feels thirsty and worst craves for carbo and sugary food that I put on weight partially because of that. I always joked with Auntie Bee that I have 6 best friends named Benzol, Propranolol, Lorazepam, Sodium Valproate, Lithium Carbonate, Diazepam. Yup that's the medications that I am taking now, and I could be for life as my psychiatrist said. Well its medicine time!

 

 

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一位我非常尊敬的友人发给我,非常有意思。

也感恩他的鼓励。E.T

 

《把自己还给自己,把别人还给别人》

 

三维的对立:
你是错的,我是对的
五维的共生:
我是对的,你也是对的
每个人的经历都是独一无二的,
每个人的体验都是宝贵的财富,
每个人选择走的路,
都是他灵魂想去体验的旅程。

懂得放手,给他人自由,
不干涉他人的自由意志,
不把自己的意志强加给他人,
让每个人的灵魂各自归位,
回到他自己的人生轨道上,
自己为自己的人生负责。
一一心灵意识

让花成花
让树成树
让每个人都成为最好的自己
 
把自己还给自己
把别人还给别人
把孩子还给孩子
让孩子长成本来该长成的样子

哪怕是我们借用爱的名义
去改变我们身边的人
那都是被妄念所控的不当行为
 
我们总是认为
只有指出别人身上的问题
才是爱他
才能让他更好
 
其实
事实是我们想让别人
按照我们想的样子生活
这隐藏在背后的事情
是我们贪图控制他人的欲望
让这个世界听我的
我是王者
 
而这一切源于
我们自己对未来的恐惧
担心
不安
爱的缺乏
甚至是我们自己深深的自卑

如果我们是用
赞叹的眼光看別人的好处
会发现他本来就很完美
没有问题

每个人所在的位置
是他所能处的最佳的位置
他所做的事
都是此时此刻他想去体验的事
一切都是对的
一切都是好的
 
真正改变一个人的
不是控制他
不是否定他
而是让他认识到
他可以做更好的自己
而这一切的实现
是我们自己用完美的生命
去把别人影响了的结果

不必诅咒战争
只需歌颂和平
不必丑化黑暗
只需赞叹光明
不必指出毛病
只需肯定长处
 
平庸的大夫看谁都有病
高明的大夫看谁都没有病
所有的病
都是心病
我们的心好了
整个世界都好了
我们的心平静了
整个世界都安宁了
我们只是焕发了内心的愉悦
快乐生活的普通人
没有谁是
别人的救世主

控制别人
就是控制自己
解放别人
就是解放自己
所谓自由
就是让别人自由
 
让花成花
让树成树
让每个人都成为最好的自己

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2019年 11月 20 小雨

The weather is so perfect to sleep in. Dad bedroom door is stil closed but strangely there's no sound of snoring. My CMPB medical review will be scheduled on first week of Dec. I haven't been seeing my psychiatrist for quite awhile now, perhaps I should call up the institution to schedule for a consultation. Ah Ma also said is better this way so that I will know if I really need to serve my NS stint. Mood abit low today maybe because of the unknowns. Not many people knew of my condition. As of now, only two of BFFs Den and Chris knew about it. They are my childhood, Den is one year my senior and Chris same age as I am. Both of them "are serving their time now" that's how we usually joked about it. Den and Chris were also baffled why there's a delay in my enlistment and we second guessed that it could be of my mental illness. Think I will never know till I see the doctor at CMPB. Well today is just another day. 

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夢境

多年以後我們相遇
噓寒問暖 還可以
經過多年風雨洗禮
回到那初次的偶遇

你是否記得 那段過去
你是否記得 那段甜蜜
再次遇見必不容易
難道是上天安排的

看著你那靦腆的表情
心虛裡帶著一絲絲悔意
後悔當初 做錯了決定
痛恨怎麼 沒廝守下去

沒關係 真的沒關係
不好的過去 就讓它過去
把握現在 邁步向前進
成為互相的心靈伴侶

說實話 這全只是個夢境

 

E.T. 15.09.19

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2019年 11月 21日 星期四 阴

 

Music transcends all era and boundaries. Last night I stumbled upon this TVB Cantonese drama series with an 1960s evergreen as a theme song. The song depicted bidding farewell to one's beloved and wishing them well. I found that the Cantonese version of the song is more pleasing to my ears and the lyrics written were as beautiful. Call me a 19yo teens with an old man soul. lol. Here are the lyrics:  

今宵多珍重(粤语)
作词:郑国江
作曲:王福龄

愁看残红乱舞 忆花底初度逢
难禁垂头泪涌 此际幸月朦胧
愁绪如何自控 悲哀都一样同
情意如能互通 相分不必相送

放下愁绪 今宵请你多珍重
那日重见 只恐相见亦匆匆
怀里情人在怨 相爱偏不能容
情人无言地哭 心怎不隐隐痛
 

 

Words I really wish to say to Mr. B   "Honestly, I wanted to share the hyperlink of the song with you but it was already wee hours in the morning and I didn't wish to disturb you though I knew you are still awake. You said you have not fallen for someone for the longest time and I told you it is tough for me to fall in love with someone else after what had happened..... anyway, I hope we need not bid each other farewell so soon as its only been the third month"

Edited by amuse.ed
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条码 (Barcode)

零到十 条码的表达方式
它是一种多条纹的标志
人类 是否可想而知

零到十 证明身份物品的方式
零 是窥探人生物品生命的钥匙
十 是见证终结人生物品的开始

人类 是否还会感到优势
编程的方式是人类创意的开始
一排排条纹是人类累计的知识

从零开始
人类 寻找初衷的意思
还是 人类无法放下的是
那残酷社会的现实

条码眼中 人类 是墮落天使
喜怒哀乐 酸甜苦辣 生死轮回
都是激情与骄情的开始

-- E.T. 01.06.2019

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2019年 11月 22日 星期五 晴

 

I am bored, searched for versions of of 今宵多珍重。Personally, love the rendition by 周惠. If one noticed her MTV closely, there were words in each transition of the scene. I literally wrote it down and it actually make sense. My interpretation of the entire story was about this married man who has an affair, the 3rd party left him without a word and while grieving his losses, he was reminded to fulfill his role as a dutiful husband, son, father. The director has brilliantly deciphered it down to to suit different scenes. I wondered if its his intend but nonetheless that's my interpretation bah. Here's the lyrics of the Chinese version of the song: 

今宵多珍重
作词:林达
作曲:王福龄
南风吻脸轻轻 飘过来花香浓
南风吻脸轻轻 星已稀月迷濛

我俩紧偎亲亲 说不完情意浓
我俩紧偎亲亲 句句话都由衷

不管明天 到明天要相送
恋着今宵 把今宵多珍重

我俩临别依依 怨太阳快升东
我俩临别依依 要再见在梦中

 

And the wording appeared in the MTV:

 

无聊 真无聊
这样无聊的日子
到底还要过多久
他终于走了
我才不在乎
为什么
她当初 不给我个分手的理由
记得 该记得的
忘记 该忘记的
还有 多少叶子可以落
还有 多少雨可以下
就这样吧
还好 有个游泳池
还好 有个藉口
还好 不用说话
好丈夫 好儿子 好父亲
记得了 就不能忘记 不能忘记
不能忘记

 

Lol. I am seriously bored. 

Edited by amuse.ed
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你们的过错 不属于我


我们本来就不同
拥有不一样的瞳孔
十指都有长短
又何必把咱们的关系
变得那么惶恐

可能是我前世欠了你们
要不然怎么你们会让我
三番五次扑了个大空
我真的累了
累时因为你们还想不通

人海茫茫中
怎么要我重犯你们的过错
你们把我的岁月给蹉跎
请你们行行好 放过我
让我把日子好好地过

别把你们犯下的罪 归咎于我
也别把我脱得赤裸裸
要我全盘接受
我受够了 每个人都有他们的 threshold
请你们 just scram off

你们的过错 不属于我

没有你们 我的日子照样地过

 

E.T. 23.11.2019

Edited by amuse.ed
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2019年 11月 23 晴

Where do one go after death? Heaven or Hell? Is that a reality or myth? Why didn't I dreamt of mum all these years? Perhaps I am engulf by the love my grandparents and Auntie Bee has given me. I went Sunday schools back then and was exposed to Christianity for over half a decade, Auntie Bee, a Christian said that all non believers will go to Hell. But Ah Ma has been praying to Guan Yin all her life and believe in Nirvana. Ah Gong is more of a free thinker, he only burnt incense to my great grandparents to show respect but aren't the dead supposed to recarinate after 49 days? Dad? Seriously I don't know. We seldom talk on religion at home because Ah Ma will often snapped whenever Auntie Bee spoke about their salvation.

 

Where am I now? All I know is that I did like to know more of the wisdom that each religion has rather than anchoring myself at one. All religion imho advocates for peace. But what is peace when there are so many interpretations on life after death and so many self proclaimed warriors fighting for the rights of their religion till unrest persisted till now?

 

Uncle Sam, a person I met at gym once told me "All men are born evil". There were 5 points of argument: 

1. Human brought discomfort to mothers during conceived.

2. Mothers experienced labour pain while delivery.

3. Babies cried at birth on their first grasp of air. That's in his opinion tears of anguish and not joy. 

4. Most people suffered rather than rejoiced in their life line.

5. If all men are born good then there will be world peace.

 

At 19yo, I really have no idea if what Uncle Sam said it's of truth but these 5 pointers are very evident. 

 

Anyway, gtg chatting up with Den and Chris later.

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精神病

 

我每天都戴着面具
义无反顾地练习
如何把所谓的正常
演得淋漓尽致

患有精神病
都是败"精神病科的圣经"所赐
永久性地被社会贴了无形的标志
因为外表不明显。。。
"想太多" "你太过Emo" "你太过敏感"
都变成批判我的关键词
所以多年来。。。多愁善感都往身上背

假如,时光能倒流
Nth 年前的我。。。
如果坦荡荡地接受
自己要往哪个方向走
不优柔寡断 做位自由的基佬

 

我有选择
选择做真正的自己
无需掩饰那做直男的痛
也从今后无需怕人勒索
我有选择。。。


是的, 我要过得幸福快乐

 

E.T. 24.11.2019
 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2019年 11月 24 晴

Had a fruitful talk with Den and Chris yesterday. We spoke about "charity" in PLU context. A question pop up "Would we go for someone who is much more senior than us and fulfill his sexual gratifications without soliciting money from them?" At our age, we are really their xiao xian ruo seriously. Den and Chris are attractive imho. Den has a swimmer bod, high cheekbones and he occasionally gym. Chris is tanned, studious yet abit of baddie pan Asian look and apparently he knows Thai language. If I have to cast Den and Chris in a period drama movie, Den will be the 贵公子 and Chris the 温书生 turn evil kind. Me? I can be their 书童. Haha. Both of them always joked that I am the unclassified, I don't have a hot bod nor looks but I do have an old man soul. Back to the topic, The 3 of us unanimously agreed that we won't do it unless the person is someone that we love dearly. But what if the senior is very attractive? i.e. Chuan Do the 50+ yo but looks as though he is in 30s. That reminds me of Mr B, an unassuming, steady, quiet, talented and matured gentleman who is 7 years my senior. I must admit that I am attracted to Mr B but could it be just physical attraction or more than that? Even Uncle Jack and Uncle Sam who are in their 50s look attractive in their own rights. So what's love? Den said in fact there are 8 types of love and as he elaborated I felt that love is pretty complex by itself though its just a four letter word. "Aiya don't think too much lah. Just let nature takes it course" and yes that's Chris tagline. lol.

Screenshot_20191124-093451_Google.jpg

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错过

错过的机会 成了累赘
捆绑我内心深处
深处埋了一堆的苦


说什么爱我还能接受我
你的假装 仿佛像位临演
演技差强人意


我拒绝了你的善意
你牵起我的手 我却步
我俩心跳节奏已格格不入


多年以后再次相逢
我们的话题已不多
回忆第一次牵手

我俩欢乐无穷


相拥得多 唯你于重不同
紧握你的手 我们一起走过
松开你的手 就别说在乎我
再次牵手 你就别想太多

 

我俩已分道扬镳

请珍重 千万别再想起我

 

E.T. 24.11.2019

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2019年 11月 25 晴

Due to my bipolar disorder condition, I am consulting a psychiatrist, Dr Yap, she has been following up with me for the past 3yrs and her sharing has never failed to amaze me. When I first consulted her, she showed me the diagram below and explained that what has happened to me was a combination of biomedical psychological and social issue. 

 

Dr Yap said that the moment we were born, we are interwined in this human ecological system- the person who initiated this was Brofenburner. The diagram is pretty self explanatory, my condition could be highly due a mixed of genetics and a weak association in one or many of my systems. When I asked her why am I gay, she looked up and told me the same narrative. It seems like all this "dart board" diagram is very critical. I took some time to study it and indeed it hold some truth.

 

Imho, I feel that its important to know my own identity and how my role as a son, grandson, nephew, cousin, student interacted with the different systems. Sometimes, I am not to be blamed but I can conveniently pushes the blame towards the macrosystem. e.g. I choose not to reveal to associates of the fact that I am gay with bipolar disorder because I need to protect myself from the stigmatisation and discrimination I could highly possibly faced by individuals who are on the opposite camp-- just look at how people with mental illness were portrayed in the media, how it was used as one of the mitigating factors to be given a lighter sentencing in court. And how PLUs are vulnerable to HIV and AIDS, the "promiscuity lifestyles most PLUs are living". All these negativism have prevented me from coming out honestly, telling people who I really am.

 

I further asked Dr Yap since homosexuality and mental illness are genetic, has my dad passed down the genetic traits to me, Dr Yap said that its possible and it could be inter generational as well. Meaning one or few of my ancestors might had these traits but was left undiagnosed. Hmmm.... I wonder who were the ones then. Well its another day, will call up CMPB to confirm my medical review later. 

Screenshot_20191125-082539_Gallery.jpg

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眼耳舌

眼睛好像一把武器
能把人类分割成另个躯体
在无数夜里 人类告诉自己
一定要把眼睛洁净

耳朵就好像个好仪器
只是不善于表达自己
无数人类对它卻百感交集
渴望听那不靠谱的消息

远处看见了一个倒影
还有熟悉的一把声音
却没看见身影 是否在骗自己
却在街角碰见了舌精

眼睛呀 眼睛 你为何在哭泣
是谁伤害了你 让你不知所去
耳朵呀 耳朵 听你在远方哭泣
是否是人类找上倒出悲伤情绪

人类 对舌精无法抗拒
长舌的话语总是爱听
是否真的应该放弃
放弃和这三官那暧昧关系

眼睛已看不下去
耳朵也封闭自己
舌精也先行离去
身躯也选择回避

 

E.T. 27.05.15

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2019年 11月 26 晴

 

I had this vivid dream, I bumped into Mr B along along a busy street. I caught up with him, tapped on his shoulder many times calling his name yet Mr B ignored me and continued walking. Next scene, Mr B entered into a park and just when i wanted to say hi again. Another guy appeared, Mr B went up to him and kissed him on his cheek. I decided not to pursue further and walked away. As I turned back, I saw Mr B retrieved a bunch of sunflowers from a tree and handed over to his guy partner. Further down the park, I saw a straight couple taking their wedding pics. There was another guy who acted suspiciously in the park, next thing I knew was he went charging towards Mr. B with a knife. I quickly ran up and was stabbed quite badly on my abdomen. And I woke up, sweating and pretty disturbed. What a dream. 

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爱的进行曲

庆幸人海中 遇见妳
让我生活 更加起劲
你问是否太过着急
我说是天赐良机
为你普的进行曲

你那迷人双眼 烙印在我脑海里
你那亲切的笑容

让我很感到心灵平静
你那专注力 还有细心

让我深深着了迷
我要我们俩在一起

真爱的旅程 不单靠外表而已
内在的美 才能够走得远 走得亲近
你我明白 YOLO 的定义
应该好好地珍惜

牵着手向彩虹奔去

忘掉过去 放下沉重的包袱
你我已更加珍惜 爱的真谛
真诚相待 是我俩的 左右铭
让我们共普 爱的进行曲

 

E.T. 26.11.2019

 

PS: Congratulations RK!!! 

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2019年 11月 27日 星期三  晴

 

Dear Dairy, I had insomnia last night because I was pretty disturbed by my vivid dream two nights ago. I consulted Mr. Lee my Psychotherapist based at Taiwan via zoom yesterday. From his years of clinical experiences with references to Buddhism beliefs (三世轮回), he gave me these perspectives on dreams in general.

 

1) The past-- from my subconscious mind.. I often can't make sense of it because the incidences that took place in my previous lives and/or past incidences.

 

2) The present-- from my conscious mind....as a form compensation. Dream often compensate what was lost in reality. It could possibly gives me a closure.

 

3) The future--  my supposedly future responses. Dream is to activate my 逆向思维法 (adverse thinking) and allow me to 'prophesies' my future. It serves as protector and prempt my future so that I can take measures to prevent possible disasters. 

 

These three are supposed to stand alone. Each dream will have one theme only 1 or 2 or 3. Mr Lee suggested that I reflect on what that dream meant to me at this juncture of my life. I am definitely reflecting because I rarely had dream that was so vivid. 

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空间

连做爱的空间也要管
真是吃饱没事干
多脚兽又怎样
难道他们会让你心灵不安


应该是你本身的欲望吧
十五平方英尺宿舍房外
雨下得稀里哗啦
宿舍房内 干啥事 又干你啥事


还是把书念好

再去用你的脑袋思考
怎样把十五平方英尺的空间变大
让后代在做爱做的事时
不用担心姿势烦恼

 

E.T. 06.06.2019

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2019年 11月 29日 晴

 

I have been reflecting over what Mr Lee has said. I personally feel that that dream is an indicator what has happened in reality. I first met Mr B a year ago at Leonard's housewarming party, we hit off well and didn't start to go out only until recently. At 40, Mr B is well established in many aspects, he has many good attributes imho and that makes him a hot favourite among his potentials. Mr B said that he enjoyed my company because we are like minded, shared similar hobbies and values as well. But interestingly he has never said things like he loves me or mushy words. I presumed that is his personality because likewise I am more of an action taker than flowery talker.

 

I have also the privilege to dine with his parents not once but thrice over the past 3 months. His parents were damn warmth and friendly. They talked to me as though I am part of their family, I felt extremely comfortable while dining with them. Is Mr B making use of me to come out to his parents? I mean he has 3 elder brothers, all married with children so if he wish to lead his life he could do so without having to settle down obligatory.

 

I recalled Dr Yap and Mr Lee told me that effective communication is one of the basic foundations in building any relationships. Jumping into conclusion is one of the worst barriers to that..... so what I am going to do is to clarify with Mr B face to face over the weekend and see what this will lead me to. It is pointless for me to conclude anything that is not clarified. Gosh I am tired.... going to nap awhile more. 

 

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Letting you go

For the many nights I think
For a future that is out of reach
You were there for me when I am down
We celeberated when we were up

It was a let down things had turn out
For I thought we can make things wise
Forget the past and move on with our life
Or have we been in great denial

I miss you dearly day and night
Wishing you by my side
Giving me every reasons to hold you tight
Yes and those nights were tough to fight

Wishing our decisions were right
We both know something is incorrect
We no longer can see eye to eye
And I think its perfectly alright

Loving you
is not holding with all my might
Letting you go
is my conduit to keep you invisibly by my sight.

 

E.T. 15.06.2018

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14 hours ago, M-man said:

Keep it going, Ed. U write very well and I enjoy reading your diary. More so, I feel for you having to go thru life at such young age. 

 

You are a mature gentleman despite being a youth. Keep it up and strong. 

Thanks M-man, it takes a gentleman who truly empathise to praise another person who is still humbly learning how to lead a life. 共勉之。

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2019年 11月 30日 晴

 

Ok I am meeting Mr B tonight for dinner. A bit nervous because I hated clarifications and confrontations but the other part of me tells me that I should verify with him asap. Time is an essence and I am helping Mr B to make a decision as well.  Mr Lee told me that according to Maslow's Hierarchy of needs diagram below, a man need to fulfill his basic psychological needs before moving up the Hierarchy at different life stages. Perhaps I am blessed that my basic needs except for sex... lol...were well taken care of since young, my grandparents and Auntie Bee have always been a good role model for me to emulate but dad..... hmmmm.... can't say much though as he is literally so distant from my life. I wonder at which stage I am at but it sure has gone beyond the psychological needs, how about Mr B? He has a good career and is a promising professional I believe everyone wishes to have. He has literally all the 10Cs Credit card, Condo, Car, Cash, Country club mbrship, importantly he is also very caring, concern, compassion, cordial and committed, every men and ladies would desire for and why would he choose me for his companionship during this season of his life? Am I thinking just too much? As what Chris always said...."let nature takes its course?". I guess I will have the answer tonight. 

Screenshot_20191130-090802_Google.jpg

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2019年 12月 01日 晴

A strange feeling loomed when Ah Ma passed the book to me last night, dad wrote that in year 2003, 16yrs ago. But why dad did not pass the book to me in person? All I saw was his working shoes and heard snores from his room. Honestly speaking, I hasn't seen him for a good 3 yrs. I asked Ah Gong and Ah Ma at the dining table and they were unusually quiet. I texted Auntie Bee too but there's no reply. I can't help to think what had happened, anyway there's not many picture of my dad except I think I vaguely saw one or two. As I browse the book content last night, I think I knew why dad decided to pass it to me at this juncture. 

 

I didn't get to meet Mr. B last night, he went out with his buddies for Premier League soccer matches instead. Well, I went Neil Rd clubbing, Den and Chris didn't join me as they dislike clubbing. Den would rather spend his time reading and Chris watching Netflix. Someone caught my eyes, I ordered another glass of red and sat for awhile more. He seems like the "main talker" of his table, all the people who sat at the table were listening to him attentively, he reminded me of a storyteller who narrated stories after stories enchanting the audiences. I admired him from afar, the charisma he exuded was pretty luring. My Saturday night ended with me ogling him. lol.

 

No messages from Mr B. still, its Premier League season so I may not have an opportunity to see him that much. Maybe I should just stay home and wait for dad?

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2019年 12月 03日 晴

Slept through yesterday, Mr B WhatsApp and ask if I am keen to spend time with him over Christmas and New Year at China. He said its an excellent opportunity for me to gain some overseas exposure. I am very mindful of my upcoming medical review and told him I would have to ask my dad. Mr B didn't know that I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I don't see a point of telling him at this juncture and perhaps will never will. I wanted to talk to him face to face in hope to elicit some answer if he is seeing someone else besides me but I held back when he apologised that he will be busy for the next few weeks till his China trip. Should I just ghost myself? I mean Mr B has his life and career priorities and I had mine as well. The last thing I need is for someone to regard me as a substitute of another being.

 

I am asking for signs to help me make the decision. Mr B busyness and "avoidance" to my proposed meet up can be possibly one of the signs that I should just leave him. I am drained and dislike the feeling I am having now.

 

Is that even call love in the first place?

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2019年 12月 04日 冷

Had an early breakfast with Ah Gong and Ah Ma. I received a shocking revelation. Ah Ma directed me to 3 medium sized storage boxes placed at dad's room. In those boxes were stacks of papers,  CDs and photo albums all neatly separated by polymer bags. Ah Ma said its time for me to know the truth about dad and suggested that I start to know the truth from the box labelled Nov 1977 to July 1998. And the loud dad snores, it was actually a recording broadcasted from an audio system.

 

So in the nutshell, dad went missing for the past 3 yrs but Auntie Bee would still received money and a letter monthly from dad at her postal address. She was told by dad in his letter to withhold the truth of his departure, fearing that I may get emotionally distracted during my major exams back then. Ah Gong also said I will know all the answers to my past burning questions after reading dad's letters and 用心良苦. 

 

The boxes were in my room now in which I am so reluctant to go through them. This latest development on my dad came as a shock. I am totally speechless, the medical review, the recent dream and impending NS stint seem so unimportant, unimpressive and unnecessary now. All I need to do is to pick up those letters and read them. But why am I so reluctant?

 

I hate you dad, you MIA without a word. 

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2019年 12月 05日 晴

 

Hey Cloud
As an old saying goes
Like a bridge over troubled water
Breathless it seems
Drowning may come thereafter
The world is loom with darkness
My future seems so bleak

I am not a saint but a human
who had experienced bad circumstances
I wish to be understood
But on the contrary its often overdued


I have an undesirable label
That was mounted on me regardless
Dad chose to leave me without a word
Where is he now?
What made him leave?
The clues lie in the letters

And this is simply ridiculous

Should I take on his "inheritance"
or choose to ignore this "impedance"
I hesitated

Clearly he made that choice
Not to see me through my challenges
Not to elevate me to become better fighters
Bad emotions are least desired
But that is life which I need to battle

 

E.T. 06.12.2019

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2019年 12月 05日 晴 1555hrs

I finally opened the first box. Photo album first. That baby attached below is dad. The picture wasn't dated but it should be taken in year 1978. There were other pictures but I feel that this struck me-- Happy baby, Ah Ma once said. 

 

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2019年 12月 07日 小雨 1128hrs

Is Mum from a foreign land? 

 

累了

活在你的今世

诉说的是你我的前世

愿与你共度来世

如果我们的余生会说话

它会是什么故事

 

这没千山 这没万水

有的是钢灰水泥

大自然都是复制

这没春夏秋冬

这没天灾人祸

只有我对你的 牵肠挂肚

 

你的千方百计

让我思绪混乱模糊

我只想给你祝福

换来的却是你的冷酷

 

我累了

走出框框

自行迈步

柚子 

2000年 7月

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On 12/4/2019 at 6:52 AM, amuse.ed said:

2019年 12月 04日 冷

Had an early breakfast with Ah Gong and Ah Ma. I received a shocking revelation. Ah Ma directed me to 3 medium sized storage boxes placed at dad's room. In those boxes were stacks of papers,  CDs and photo albums all neatly separated by polymer bags. Ah Ma said its time for me to know the truth about dad and suggested that I start to know the truth from the box labelled Nov 1977 to July 1998. And the loud dad snores, it was actually a recording broadcasted from an audio system.

 

So in the nutshell, dad went missing for the past 3 yrs but Auntie Bee would still received money and a letter monthly from dad at her postal address. She was told by dad in his letter to withhold the truth of his departure, fearing that I may get emotionally distracted during my major exams back then. Ah Gong also said I will know all the answers to my past burning questions after reading dad's letters and 用心良苦. 

 

The boxes were in my room now in which I am so reluctant to go through them. This latest development on my dad came as a shock. I am totally speechless, the medical review, the recent dream and impending NS stint seem so unimportant, unimpressive and unnecessary now. All I need to do is to pick up those letters and read them. But why am I so reluctant?

 

I hate you dad, you MIA without a word. 

Hey Ed, thank u for writing your heartfelt thoughts. It wasn't easy to open up and feel venerable but you did. I hope ull feel better after expressing your innermost thoughts. 

 

At your young age, it takes maturity and guts to face the predicament of life and i must say, u brave through courageously and not give up. 👏👏

 

Easier said than do, but keep your heads up and where needed, find a counsellor to speak with, just so u have a listenin ear and a healing outlet. 

 

When I read your story, I cant help but feel heart wrenching for your life. Take courage, Ed. 

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2019年 12月 09日 冻

 

A super freezing cold morning, ignoring those storage boxes that were placed in my room. Was at Esplanade over the weekend just to soak into melodies after melodies with Leonard. If there is a place that I really wish to be in, it will be somewhere full of my favourite music pieces. Dr Yap and Mr Lee suggested for me to just immerse myself into my favourite songs when I am highly stressed. My form of music therapy they proposed. I couldn't even bring myself to reply Mr B's Whatsapp. I texted him stating that I needed the space and perhaps we should not see each other anytime soon. I felt that there are more important things to manage in life right now. If I am reluctant to share the recent revelation I had with Mr B, I doubted he will be the person I wish to spend my quality time with.

 

The only other human I spoke to on my recent shocking revelation was to my "big brother", Leonard. Because I knew he would listen to me without judgement. I poured out to him on Saturday night and afterwhich there was long silences. I couldn't bring myself to tears, reason being I felt so cheated, all these while my immediate family members have been staging up a scene. Those reeks of alcohol from Dad's room was apparently planted by Ah Gong. Ah Gong revealed that he will placed a towel soaked with beer under the room door periodically, just to create impressions after impressions  that dad came home drunk for that few nights (not forgetting dad's laundry as well). All these plots were well thought through by the adults and I didn't even suspected that dad is no longer in the house for the past 3yrs.

 

Leonard's presence told me that I am not alone in all these. The only question he asked was how would it be different if I found out 3yrs ago? Leonard's wisdom struck me and reinforced that its better that I found out the truth now because with my personality, it would definitely affect my emotional state and detriment my performance in major exams back then. I was reminded of what Dr Yap and Mr Lee had shared on "The curve of change" as attached in the diagram below. I am definitely in a state of shock and disbelief now and as an old saying goes "Time will reveals and heals". And I wonder how long will this takes. 

 

PS: M-Man, I am seeing a Psychiatrist and Psycho therapists now. Thanks for your concern. 🙏

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2019 12月 10日 心寒

Dad, this was one of the songs you listened to via YouTube playlist. Was that the moment you decided to MIA? The MTV was published in Jul 2016, exactly 3 years ago. What were you thinking then while listening to this song? I believed you would definitely be thinking of Mum but were there moments you even spare a thought for me, your flesh and blood?

"爸, 我已分不清真伪, 就让那些谎言.... 继续缭乱我的听觉, 模糊我的视线"

 

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2019年 12月 11日 冻

Dad's writings were getting more and more interesting. This was written in year 2014. He must had at least one failed relationship after Mum's demise. 

 

真爱是。。。

 

真爱是 当两人静下来时也能感觉到彼此的心跳
真爱是 当两人都有同样的坚信,理念与观点

真爱是 即便大有不同都愿意尊重和接纳


真爱是 为对方加油打气时也能做更有智慧和更有判断能力的自己
真爱是 没标志的,它就是那么洁白无瑕,毫无顾忌, 毫无条件
真爱是 当两人遇上挑战也能毫无疑问地互相扶持,度过难关

世人那么崇尚真爱到底是为了什么
是被随心所欲 豪无约束的性爱给迷惑


还是世人早已佈下了天罗地网
把所谓的爱情的真谛与假情假意

当做是一场游戏 把棋子紧握着不放手

我再已分不清真伪 就让你那些说过的谎言
继续地缭乱我的听觉 模糊我的视线
你彻底的输了

输在你常把我爱你套上嘴巴说 却一直无动于衷

谢谢你把我给于你的爱与信任给挥霍

 

柚子

2014年 8月 

 

 

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2019 12月 12日 晴

I went for nice and cooling jog and managed to clock close to 17k steps yesterday. Ah Ma said she received a phone call from the CMPB on Monday notifying her that I was scheduled for an appointment next Tuesday in the morning. The officer told Ah Ma that its preferred my immediate family members attend the medical review as well. Ah Ma said she, Ah Gong and Auntie Bee will accompany me on that fateful day in which I feel it is totally unnecessary. 

 

And I am curious why didn't CMPB called me up directly instead? Anyway downloaded Growler and Grindr last night and the quest to know more friends will begin. I read from this forum that 99% of gays in those apps just love seeking thrill and fun, no one will be seriously wanting to establish any friendship. Chem night, ONS, SM etc words that are so alien to me. I also read that no one should trust the profiles and even the pictures attached as well. Hmmm.... honestly, Cloud I am using a fake profile here in Blowing Wind too and I am just as guilty as charged. Lol. Guess some human... as if I am not...

often need privacy, time and space. Or perhaps they are just fear of being found out? 

 

Meanwhile, I am so engrossed in looking through dad's belongings, trying to piece the puzzle on reasons for him to walk out from us 3 yrs ago. Mr B and I no longer messaged each other but I am still very curious if he is partnered. Gosh! So many things to think about perhaps the apps would be helpful medium to take a break from most things. Arghhhh

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