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The Cloud Diary- 白云日记☁


amuse.ed

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2020年 7月 29 

 

Dear Diary, just realized that I have gotten my dates incorrect, I am living one day in advanced, no longer the meticulous me.... perhaps its good this way as its an adaptation of a my new self or original self? Finally, met one musician who is professional and have gave me relevant insights to a song that I had written, a rare gem I would say. Had a good 42mins conversation with him this morning and I am amazed by what he has shared which I have overlooked i.e. the title, the mood of the song etc. As mentioned , I have never been musical instruments inclined. The only thing I know of music is basically do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do. Is it too late to start from the basic or should I just let someone to enhance the music? My elder sister learnt ukulele in her 40s while going through a rough patch in her life. My niece started learning too, so its a good bonding sessions with her in fact. For me, I think will take things as it comes, no longer I feel regretful for not learning music at a tender age. Perhaps I should let others who has the expertise, skills and competencies to do it. I will stick to writing the diary, something that is within my comfort zone. Diary have you feel that you need a breakthrough somehow? Letting people expressing themselves through you seems like a comfort zone to you? If given an opportunity what would you do to be out of this comfort zone? 

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2020年 7月 30 

 

Dear Diary, It's public holiday eve today. Managed to reach home early and glad that i am off work later. Looking forward to meeting up with friends over the weekend. Tommorrow will be me day, a time for self care, perhaps a nature or beach walk. There maybe an opportunity for me to work overseas again, something that has been held dearly in my heart, rehabilitation. Yes and the primary reason is I wish to get out of Spore. The last work stint at Tianjin was enriching but was disrupted by the pandemic. Hopefully this time round it will go through smoothly. Though I may not have the relevant Master's qualification required but I do wish that the management will look beyond it and focus on my live cum work experiences instead. Yes an update on my CV is a must later. Keeping my fingers crossed. Ok looks like I have my to do list done for tomorrow. Good night Diary. 😊

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2020年 7月 31 

 

Dear Diary, woke up early in the morning, my parents and I haven't met for the past one week plus. Dad cooked vermicelli soup that warms the cockles of my heart in such a cool weather.  We sat at the table and Dad seemed love talking about what he had read in the newspaper about GE and new cabinet minister. Dad never completed his Pri education but he never failed to amaze me with his insights on politics. If given a chance to excel, I think he will make a good socialist. Diary did I ever tell you that my dad used to play in the band as well? I used to see him play harmonica and hohner at home when I was much younger. And I must say he was pretty good at it, but it seems like he has stopped and the only instruments now he handled are kitchen tools. My dad is a great cook for mainly Chinese dishes and my mother was more of a Traditional Kueh expertise, as for me I will cook more of West, Italian and Mediterranean dishes. My parents enjoyed them quite a fair bit and now I recalled that I owed them a pasta dish. My mum talked about how my grand aunt would always win a 4D periodically because she always have this concept of "buy 1 gain 2000". I told her in psychology, its called "Law of attraction" meaning whatever one thinks and feels about an item/issue, it will naturally comes to them. My mum nodded in agreement and I wonder where this idea came from but I was quick to remark "Ok, so please do not wish that I will get married and bore you a grandchild". My mum was also quick to say in Mandarin  "Oh please, WE are not that conservative". Well as I know my mum well, her heart, head and hands seldom tallied so in fact she would still yearn for a grandchild regardless. Arh..... relationships.... we are on this topic once again Diary. Too lazy to talk about it. All I knew after the morning conversations, while I am typing this, the two of them are preparing themselves for another kopithiam session with their kakis. I am left all alone by myself once again. Haha.

Edited by amuse.ed
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@2200hrs

 

Dear Diary, ok i must confessed that I am slacking the entire day. I didn't manage to get my CV done up and I took a short nap in the afternoon. And to my surprise, I dreamt again. This time round the scene was at a hotel breakfast buffet setting, the lights were dim and I was browsing the items on the buffet table with much difficulties. Then the lights were switch on and I saw a tiny flag that printed this infamous tour agency in Singapore " CXXN BXXXXXR". The next scene I was at the dining table with all the unfamiliar faces and one of my best friends from secondary school. All of us chatted and had a good time laughing off one another jokes, the next moment I woke up. Diary, am I yearning for a tour trip or was there something that the universe is directing me? I have always wanted to venture into tourism and in fact did contemplate to sign up for a tour guide licensing course since this pandemic is an excellent moment to embark on it. Decisions decisions decisions. I wish that I have learnt my lessons well from past experiences, to be patience and always do good to others, not neglecting my well being at the same time. So the overseas work stint was hijacked by the dream the entire day. Looks like I need more time to seriously think it through what must I really work on for the next 5 years. Well at least I managed to do a nature walk in the evening, the sun set was beautiful and I caught a glimpse of it.  Was browsing my facebook and saw this video, I watched it with mixed feelings, I did like to pen down my feelings but I decided to hold it till I think and feel that I am ready to comment. The first impression was.... now the arrow is turned towards us, the PLU community is accused of "persecuting" them. I went to their website, it is so professionally done up with all the visuals and audios , wow all I can say is they are funded enormously.  Diary, which website platform are they using huh, the layout looks cool.

 

https://truelove.is/stories/weexist/

 

https://truelove.is/stories/come-home-chang-tou-chens/

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2020年 8 03 

Dear Diary, I was so tempted to lash out last night but I thought that it was inappropriate to do so to you because you have been taking alot of people shit all your life and I didn't wish to be another added shit to you. As "kind and considerate" as I am (as if anyone cares). 😅 I mentioned to you that my life lessons has always been about patience, recently this particular lesson seems to be very evident in my life-- rejections. I didn't ask for it seriously but perhaps I have been rejecting others as well so it could have a karmic effect? For people who rejected me for whatever reasons I do understand where you are coming from because I did that to others as well but I do not give adverse comments on matters that could potentially bring pain to the person I rejected. If giving unflattering reasons will ease the mind and heart of the person who rejects, just keep it locked to your heart, be silence about it because being rejected is painful enough. Most people will just stop if the answer is just no, unless I was asked for reasons perhaps a comment or two will do good. But again I won't put myself on a victim mode and certainly would not be an object of any projections or displacements. That only shows the myopic view of that person isn't it Diary? I mean life in this community is already very challenging systemically, any reasons for me to rub salt in anyone wounds? For people who was rejected by me, I hope I won't give you an impression that I am aloof and proud. There were reasons for me to do so in which I feel I have no obligations to explain in details. For people who rejected my offer or invitations, kindly keep those unflavourable reasons to yourself unless I probed if not just shut your damn bloody mouth up and go prioritize whomever and whatever thing you need to do. No one owes anyone a living here. I may have brought discomfort to you and that is an issue you need to work on, not mine because I am very comfortable with who am I and what I need to pursue. I am at peace, are you? 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 8 04 

Dear Diary, Singapore sauna are reopening gradually after 4 months. I am not an avid fan of it but I often go there for their amenities and oogling. The decision matrix of whether to go is simple- Everywhere is vulnerable but importantly is the risk factor. First, risk-- There are places that are of higher risks compared to others. Home is of lower risk than crowded and enclosed areas. One may argued that how about cinemas? Well in cinema no one will strip, wrap themselves in towel and risk of bodily fluids exchange is lower, isn't it? Second, responsibility, my parents and I are staying under one roof, my primary task is to ensure that I have my health in check and is of lower risk so that I won't transmit the virus to them (since it can be asymptomatic). Besides it has been 4 months why not another few? Third, reveal-- the safe entry data capturing can be exposing for some who are highly discreet, imagine the venue becomes a cluster and contact tracing is needed (false or withholding of information is chargeable in court). But of course if I am least concern of being found out and exposures then I will do the following: 

 

1) Wear disposable masks at all times only remove when necessary. Bring extras as well. 
2) Strictly no body fluids exchanges i.e. HJ or heavy petting or just a simple hug
3) Wash up after each session
4) Use eye power to ogle

5) Best if I can wear slippers

 

Diary, will I go in the end? Perhaps... because times are bad and if everyone make decisions base on what I wrote then suana and spa businesses will run into reds sooner or later. So can still go show support but in any case stay safe. How about my parents? Remember i treated my home like a hotel? Besides both of them are highly independent and healthy...and by the frequecies that they are out most of the times, their risk of exposures are higher than mine. 🤦‍♂️

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2020年 8月 05号 晴

Dear Diary, there is a Chinese saying that says 

"道不同不相为谋". A google search leads me to the following explanation in blowing wind website that depicted  "There is little common ground for understanding Between persons of differing principles", and is used quite liberally whenever we want to describe a "breaking apart" or "going seperate ways" situations: 于是他们就“道不同不相为谋" - "They wandered apart". Y told me that before. A classic example could be on perspectives on politics. Its either one is the ruling party vs opposition party supporter. And often they will flock together because of the same feather. Diary remember the link I texted a few days ago? My sister WhatsApp me the same link the next day. I was frustrated, she has been finding pockets of moment to drive in the bible messages into my brain and I hated it. In fact when I decided to "backslide" many years ago, I have made it a point to her that I took an eclectic approach for my faith.  Imho, the latest movement that is going around is 换汤不换药. The essence is the same, the approach and tone are change to perhaps suit the current era. But the outcome will still be the same, once I challenge the system, they will obstracise me. Have i keep in touch with those in church previously? As much as I wish to but they seems to prefer me to be their FB or IG friends. The frequencies of contact became bleaked and even for the LGBTQI community there are people whom we are unable to click with isn't it? So I cannot be faulted when I say every man is for themselves or all men are evil right? I mean I did my level best to engage them but there are just things that doesn't matched well. Its sad that the world has became as such. If I do not belong to the tribe, i will have to go and the feeling of rejections loomed. So what do one mean when they talk about being inclusive and treasure diversity or am I not on the page with them?

 

Diary, seriously I do not know. All I know is I have been educated that there are toxic and energy suckers who I need to avoid. And who knows I can be toxic and emotionally draining to some people? The traditional Asian values about togetherness has eroded gradually. We have been engineered since young that there are different classes, segregations i.e. school streaming, elitism, income gap, SES just to name a few. The fact is everyone prefers to be individual who are of like minded (Likewise for me). But to be separated by a book that was written by a group of humans in the name of God?? I beg to differ. Just in case Diary you feel that I am causing division here, I am not because it is the reality. I do not live in my own bubble or peg myself at the ivory tower. Its very disappointing that human are separated by the sect, religion and lifestyles. So again may I reinforced that all men are evil?

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 8月 06号 晴

 

Dear Diary, I encountered a senior citizen today in her 70ish. And she was in her industry for almost 50ish yrs. I was stunned because she could have retired and I asked her how did sustain her energy. She said "You have to love what you are doing and the first thing you wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and motivated". She also emphasised that once I am in a particular industry and if its meant for me, there will be definitely open opportunities and people who I engaged intervene. I recalled I started human services by a sense of calling. After surviving the accident and my diagnosis as a person with mental illness, I asked myself umpteen times- Why have I survived and what is my calling? The first thing that came to my mind was a book I read titled "A purpose driven life" by Rick Warren in my mid 20s. I googled and these particular three quotes struck me: 

 

"Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. Don’t waste your pain; use it to help others." 

 

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less. Humility is thinking more of others. Humble people are so focused on serving others, they don't think of themselves."

 

"It’s not what you do, but how much love you put into it that matters."

 

The emotional torment and pain that I have experienced all these years has made me realise the need for me to be truly who I am. Honestly speaking, even at this juncture its still tough to tell people that I am gay Diary and that is the very reason why I hid behind this forum to pen down my thoughts and feelings. So I am still struggling but who don't have struggles in life? So now I tell myself to pace slowly and do my level best reaching out to the communities who are in need and meanwhile perhaps find an ecosystem that better suits me..... deep down i still hope that it's Singapore- My Homeland. 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 8月 08号 热

Dear Diary, sleepless in Singapore perhaps due to warm weather or maybe there are other reasons. Recently, my friend OW forwarded this MTV YouTube's link, a sub theme song for a Channel 8, 9pm drama. I didn't watch the series but love the melody and the local artiste's rendition of the song. Lyrics depicted an enduring love that came too late and too overwhelming to the extend of "being the shadow of the other person" would be sufficed to fulfill the need of the protagonist. The lyrics also reminded me of the Hongkong movie 叔叔 Suk Suk on how two matured uncles, each having their obligations who came together, a love that was too late (by choice). As both of them parted by the habour, the love for each other remains, but they parted because they knew the need of having to fulfill their familial obligations, without rocking the boat. What about me Diary, will I ever find love? 🤔

 

 

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@2307hrs Diary you know who am I writing to. Not here to start a battle but just to pen down how I feel over the true love saga. 

 

Sexuality vs Love

 

Sexuality is not on a scale nor a binary
Its covers several categories
LGBTQIS the world labelled as it is
Some may even feel quirky about it

 

Are we affirmed by our sexualities
Or are we labelled by the traditionalist 
Words exist because a meaning was given
It doesn't mean one has to subscribe to it

 

It is doubted love is unconditional
There are several criteria one need to fulfill 
A human can love whoever regardless
Love is on this unknown quantum 
That is tough to explain by any calculus

 

Are sexuality and love suppose to merge
Or are they separate entity from each other
It takes ones chemistry to love the other
And one's different sexuality to be hated

 

Have we overcome our prejudices
Sadly no as there are still discriminations 
Peace is what we often desire for 
But not a need to pursue after


--- 08 August 2020

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2020年 8月 09号 晴

Dear Diary, I dreamt. All i can remembered that I was sitting alone in a classroom setting for awhile, reminiscing something. All I knew there I was deep thoughts, I woke up feeling unsettled and the person that flashed across my mind was PX, a friend that could be my partner 20 odd years ago if we progressed. I am a new borned Christian back then and quite evangelistic, I recalled how I attempted to outreach to him into believing in salvation. PX is one of the few people whom I can feel his sincerity as a friend back then even after knowing what I had been through. Too bad I missed the opportunity, I was attending the conversion reparative therapy and we drifted apart literally. The last time we met was when I left for my overseas stint. He brought his partner along, we ate and sang ktv... Diary, were we both trying to revive the good old days where we first met? Perhaps.... but we can never turn back time, can't we?

 

如果当初

初次见面 你那独特声线
随着音符飘浮的气息
留下那深深的"咖啡烙印"
我们不言不语 心灵相惜
却因世俗的落寞 我们无法联谊

如果当初 没遇见你
我现在的生命会不会有差异
如果当初 答应了你
这世界是否会变得更美丽
就算真有命理 我也会选择不相信

如果当初 做回真正的自己
也许我们就不会相遇
牵绊我俩的是 彼此的涟漪
我们已无法随缘随意
只因彼此已跨过不同的阶级

如果当初没有了你
也许我就无法享受那美好的福音
我偶尔会想起那美好假想的憧憬
但我已无法回到那同样的夜景
不是你无情 是我愚昧无法消受
你那份真诚的情意 如果当初。。。

柚子
09.08.2020

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2020年 8月 11号 晴

Diary, I was only 8 yrs old when this song made its debut over Singapore TV drama series in 1986. And it has since made a lasting impression. lyrics were simple yet impactful, questioning who is the protagonist's true love.

 

 

真爱是谁 (1986)

作词:卡斯
作曲:李伟松/李偲松

演唱: 童安格

 

藏在记忆的角落
总是一些欢乐的镜头
在无意中轻轻掀开
抖落了一生的笑声
总会黯然的分手
说了一些莫名的理由
在无助的时候心痛
这个抉择是对是错
真爱是谁 为何还是那么迷惑
真爱是谁 望着身边的你
想起另一张脸孔

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2020年 8月 12号 星期三  阴 

 

Dear Diary, its been awhile since the weather has turned cooler. In fact, I felt my body is abit heaty prior to Natl Day eve. I did a check-in emotionally and found that my emotions were in an unstable state. Though I met up with friends for outings, everything were so transient. Diary, how did you manage to regulate your emotions especially when there are people who share their pain and woes with you? If you are a human, you must be a super human. My emotions overspilled today when I almost lashed out at my superior today. Even while I am texting this, I can still feel the negative emotions pouring in. Negative emotions are akin tsunami. If it goes undetected, the aftermath can be disastrous. Ideally, I should be able to manage and regulate my negative emotions but in reality when the issues are smacked right on my face, I choose to react otherwise. The mistake was made by the computerised hardware system this morning and it didn't help when the human aspect (heartware) failed big time as well. Welcome to the new normal, as technology advances, I hope my heartware won't deteriorates because I can choose to be wiser, regulate and overcome my emotions. Alot of people are into CBT, mindfulness and yoga to attain equilibrium that no longer work for me. Poetry and music related stuff keep me sane and I am glad to have found a more efficient way that best suits me. 

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2020年 8月 15号 星期六  热

 

Dear Diary, were there instances that you need to asset yourself in a situation? I doubted you need to but in a world of people often wanting to poach one another I think being assertive is a likeskill that I need to brush up on. During my teens, its very tough for me to say no and because of this I was bullied by my peers, reasoning being I need to gain acceptance from them and often being complaint will allow me to be in the click of their group. This over spilled at my professional front as a young work adult. Saying yes to bosses unreasonable demands were in hope to gain recognition. As one sided as I was, the deed wasn't recognised and someone else took the credit instead. At relational front, there were challenges in saying no to friends as well perhaps back then I did like to seen to be accepting. But as years passed, I begin to realise by being a yes man no longer works for me in life and I gotten myself into more trouble. Now what I need to hone is how to be assertive without sounding aggressive. There are many ways to say no, one of the ways is to present the facts and be objective about things, avoid bringing in emotions, and if I have to then it has to be said in a calm and composed manner as well. Humour is another way to say no in a light hearted situation but again the application of situation is important. This morning, I said no to someone and as I reflected wad done in a rather rude manner primarily because I sensed that the person was trying to create a tic for a tac scenario to embarrass me. Most people will find me sensitive and yes I admit I am of that nature and worse if you have crossed my line, then I will have to retaliate because I am not a push over and someone who can be trampled upon. Its more like standing up against "bullying". With that I am at peace.  🙏

 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644

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2020年 8月 17号 星期一  热

Dear Diary, I dreamt of him AGAIN. In the dream, we stood in a Q and I am a few people behind him. We didn't greeted each other until he sat down and I saw his face, he looked troubled and mumbled something and just when I wanted to ask. I woke up. This wasn't the first time I dreamt about him looking troubled and unhappy. Honestly I really hope that in reality he is fine where he is now. I wonder if I should contact him since it has been a good six years since we didn't contact each other. Anyway he is resilient and strong enough to withstand whatever storms as far as I knew of him. Diary, if I had similar dream about him the next time, I think I will get in touch with him. Meanwhile deep down my heart, I wish him peace holistically. 

 

梦-- 反复地梦到某人, 是对他的一种思念。关系通常是遥不可及。因为无法破境重圆,偶尔脑海里会浮现他的身影。梦能反应现实也可能是一个警惕,它也反射现实与虚幻的场景。我应不应该和他做联? 我的底线到了哪儿里? 摇晃着的这艘帆舟,扰乱我的思绪。我是那双栖动物? 出了水又能入土? 再游走多几步,可能就能随着脚步,把他渐渐地忘记。

 

柚子

17.08.2020

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 8月 18号 星期二 冷

 

当日,我们彼此在疗各自的伤,无法阻挡那情绪爆发。当下,你已过了那独木桥,我已走了那阳光道。可否会在那转角再度遇上? 遇见了又怎样, 看到彼此可能还会显得尴尬。在梦里遇上了又怎样?你看我那忧伤的眼神,我真的无法招架。我渴望失忆,那就能把你在我脑海记忆库里删除掉。反正我已是你的路人甲。往后再遇见就继续闪避我吧! 可能久了我真的。。真的。。能把你忘。

 

柚子

18.08.2020

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2020年 8月 18号 星期二 热 @ 1030hrs

 

If love crosses boundaries

Why can't we be in love? 

What made you turn away?

Could it be my past or my mental state

Or will any part of your life be at stake?

 

People who know my situation will say

竹门对竹门 木门对木门

A bamboo door matches a bamboo door

A wooden door matches a wooden door

It may not be financial as per se 

But it can meant alot in other states

 

Why am I so hard up, some will ask?

Seriously I do not know

The affection is so strong

You will drop by in my reality and in my dreams

You are a person I really wish to forgo

 

I know that I am going round in circles

The reality doesn't permits me not to

I wish I have an amnesia

Never to recollect your existence

Should I even need to give you a call?

Alas no! I couldn't manage that many open cans of worms

 

ET 

18.08.2020

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 8月 19号 星期三 冷

 

又一晚失眠夜, 手机电量只有23% . 每次到了这个月份, 我告诉自己我可以放肆,我可以任意地翻箱倒柜寻找那把锁匙。这把锁匙能打开那藏在我心声处的记忆。它能唤起许多欢乐与悲伤的回忆。我为何如此犯贱? 明知道会有悲伤为何还要把旧伤口拨开,撒上满满的盐? 可能我真的疯了,可能真的是躁郁症又复发? 但有意识怎么会是复发呢?可能是想逃避些什么吧。但想逃避些什么? 我只知道我不可能透露太多,因为这会牵累到他。宇宙,假如Law of attraction 是真的,你能够把我的记忆完全删除掉吗? 就从我认识他的第一天开始吧。宇宙,我求求你,帮个忙。把我对他的记忆与思念删除掉,那就不用自掏苦吃了。如果真的会有那么一天,我就不会再动笔写这本白云日记了。白云日记,请为我感到开心,因为我就不会再为他留恋,也可以翻开我人生中崭新的一页。但这有可能吗?

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 8月 20号 星期四 冷

 

Making sense of my mental illnesses

It was compiled by a team of experts

Documented it as the "Psychiatrist bible"

Labelled according to signs and symptoms 

 

Are there better ways to explain why "one is of mental"

Could it be purely base on one's being emotional

Or perhaps they are neurologically affected

The experts said its eclectic, a combo of many factors

 

There could be a mental illnesses gene

Only activated when one experiences adverse life challenges

It involved traumas encountered at different life transitions phases

A dormant volcano awaiting to be erupted

 

Could mental illnesses be prevented I wonder 

Or it was in fact a non existence, a hoax created 

I am setting up a quest in search for an answer

A lifelong adventure, a journey of no returns

 

ET 

20.08.2020

 

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2020年 8月21号 星期五 晴 1345hrs

Dear Diary, another episode ended finally. My question about him was somehow answered. Its from a third person that I gotten an update so this chapter can be finally closed. As I stated in this diary as much as I have been rejected, I myself rejected other potentials as well so I shouldn't be too hard up about it. As a wise sage told me this after I shared with him:

 

"So move on to the next station 下一站的幸福。 Just stay optimistic, Single or Attached 也有各的幸福.....Many things we cannot control but you can use your intense love to of good use such as love the world, love your family and frens, love the doggy....."

 

Ok. This chapter has finally ended and time to move on. Thanks Universe for the law of attractions. For those who are still unable to let go may you find the peace in the process. 

 

阿木

有一种爱叫做放手
作词:张嘉兴
作曲:黄友桢

如果两个人的天堂
像是温馨的墙
囚禁你的梦想
幸福是否像是一扇铁窗
候鸟失去了南方

如果你对天空向往
渴望一双翅膀
放手让你飞翔
你的羽翼不该伴随玫瑰
听从凋谢的时光

浪漫如果变成了牵绊
我愿为你选择回到孤单
缠绵如果变成了锁链
抛开诺言

有一种爱叫做放手
为爱放弃天长地久
我们相守若让你付出所有
让真爱带我走
有一种爱叫做放手
为爱结束天长地久
我的离去若让你拥有所有
让真爱带我走 说分手

如果两个人的天堂
像是温馨的墙
囚禁你的梦想
幸福是否像是一扇铁窗
候鸟失去了南方

如果你对天空向往
更多更详尽歌词
渴望一双翅膀
放手让你飞翔
你的羽翼不该伴随玫瑰
听从凋谢的时光

浪漫如果变成了牵绊
我愿为你选择回到孤单
缠绵如果变成了锁链
抛开诺言

有一种爱叫做放手
为爱放弃天长地久
我们相守若让你付出所有
让真爱带我走
有一种爱叫做放手
为爱结束天长地久
我的离去若让你拥有所有
让真爱带我走

为了你失去你
狠心扮演伤害你
为了你离开你
永远不分的离去

有一种爱叫做放手
为爱放弃天长地久
我们相守若让你付出所有
让真爱带我走
有一种爱叫做放手
为爱结束天长地久
我的离去若让你拥有所有
让真爱带我走 说分手
 
 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 8月 22号 星期六 晴 

 

Dear Diary, there is a Chinese saying "当局者迷 旁观者清" In English, it depicts "The person on the spot is baffled, the onlooker sees clear (idiom). The onlooker sees more of the game. ". Often, I played the onlooker role, friends and ex- clients came forward to seek my opinion on certain life challenges. Imho, as an onlooker, its always easier to see things objectively from a macro perspective. I listened to the facts and at the first cut, without any emotional attached to these statements, I will work collaboratively with the person to explore options. Some clients wished for a quick solution, rarely people wanted to explore options because they won't come to me if they already have an answer to their life challenges. As an empathetic listener, I will also try to decipher the underlying emotions that why the person will wish for that i.e. his speech and text pattern. Why will this person uses certain words and statement structures to convey their messages.

 

Perhaps its nature and nurtured, I tend to be able to seive their underlying concerns but when I clarified and confront the person with what I have observed and listened, some will strongly denied it. And that's when I knew there was either a blind spot that this person can't see or they are in a state of deliberate denial. Thus, time and effort is needed to render support to the person. Of course my intuition may failed me at times but at least I have explored another option or possibility that the client may not see. In our current ecosystem, most of us need quick solution, thinking that it will bring quick relief and some will turn into undesirable activities i.e. drugs, chemsex, alcohol, nicotine and gambling to seek solace in areas that they may feel inadequate or simply an emotional void that they need to filled. That's when I feel self regulation play an important role. The following diagram depicted how one can practice self regulation in their daily lifestyle. As an old saying goes "Different folks different strokes". Journaling is one of the ways I regulate my emotions and I believe there are other healthy methods that work for the other individuals as well

 

Diagram Source: Magdalena, Weinstein, 2020, Internet

Screenshot_20200822-100815_WhatsApp.jpg

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 8月 21号 星期六 @ 1740hrs

 

保护层

涂上保护层是为了避免

那世俗鞭刑所留下的伤痕
身份危机带来的苦痛

无法改变的人情事物
在保护层面上鼓舞着

 

涂上保护层 已经无法辨认
镜子面前失去的自我
今天想伪装些什么
是要变得更加强悍
还是想做最强悍的弱者

 

涂上保护层 防止伤得更深
世间情爱 无奇不有
悲欢离合 形形色色
既有利于的除了那份卑微
还能剩下些什么

 

涂上保护层 让自己变得更加坚强
战斗 躲避 冻结 奉承 疲倦 情绪淹没
它们每天都在生命中不断循环地转着
掩饰那负面情绪带来的不安稳
这世界是残酷现实的

它已无法垫付着那悲惨的伤痛

 

来! 继续涂上那保护层 
让生命变得更加变幻莫测

 

-- 柚子

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 8月 23号 星期日 雨

 

Dear Diary, its coming to the end of Aug 2020. And yes time to keep that keys of mine to that compartment (mentioned in my previous entries on compartmentalization) This August is a bit different, there were more lows than usual but I felt that overall I have managed well. Now I have answer to my dreams for the 2 months, just feel that my life was pretty drama. I did not divulge the details here as I believe that privacy and space must be respected. As I embarked into Sept 2020, there will be a few plans that I need to fulfilled. As mentioned before if I do something the same and expect a different result then I am unwise. So this time round, I will be giving the so-called traditional methods of treatment and intervention a try. The medicine world often depicted it as "Alternative Treatment" but if these methods has been around for the longest time why called them alternative or contemporary?

 

Diary, I think I have been trained since young that whatever western medicine was introduced during my era it would be effective until I found out that I am allergy to all classifications of painkillers. Since then there was this retaliation of getting myself medicated, so I explored a natural and nature. Traditional Chinese Medicine will take a longer time to heal but at least if works for me. Now, having to wean off psychotic medication for almost 3 years, I never have felt so liberated. With every text that I entered, its a form of text therapy. With every poem or lyrics I wrote, it reflected how I feel, think and its therapeutic. There were little pockets moments where I pen my dreams down, it gave me a better perspective, follow up on what has happened and let the Universe miraculously do its work.  And why on this platform? I really hope that as people read this, they will know that they are not experiencing mental illness and / or sexual orientation challenges in this chaotic world alone. All men are made differently and we experienced life differently as well. 🙂 

 

Diary, I always see myself as a person who likes to take an eclectic approach in things. I respected all wisdom and philosophies, there were some that are of my peeves in which resonated and I find it very relevant in my recovery journey. Hence I introduced them on this platform in hope that individual will seek solace, find relevance and comfort from it. This is another online article that I find it very intriguing, since we have updated version of almost everything nowadays, the conventional responses to stress no longer stops at 4 but 6. 

 

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-4690778/Researchers-reveal-SIX-responses-stress.html?fbclid=IwAR1k8RLXeiXxVj9sy7eNu-7L0vPyGVuOQHXV_rxNTGGwB-psfKHB4YWK11I

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2020年 8月 24号 星期一 晴

Dear Diary, I am greatful that the musician I engaged took the initiative to send me an improvised version of the melody with some added instrumental effect so that it can be sung comfortably. The next step is to provide him the MMO, he process it and I submit it to the competition panel by end of the month. Everything is well on track. I submitted 3 songs that were melancholic last year. This year, I will only submit one song that is more light hearted and up beat. This song is about singlehood and how he navigates his life challenges and the desire to get out of the "single cycle". Sounds like me? Well I wrote the lyrics with another person in mind, the first verse is about his traits that I observed in him and the rest are challenges faced by most singles nowadays. I did like to thank this person for giving me the blueprint of the melody and inspiring me to pen this song down and know who you are. 🙏😆 Back to the preparations, wish me luck Diary. 

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2020年 8月 27号 星期四 晴

Dear Diary, recent court news for the past few months had been citing mental illnesses as one of the mitigating factors to appeal for a lighter sentencing. As a person who "graduated from mental illnesses", I can empathised with this sort of appeal. My family told me that I turned violent during "one of the mania episodes" during the initial of my PTSD and clinical depression then bipolar disorder diagnosis since then I have mellowed alot. Though i cannot recalled what exactly had happened but I am sure i have brought much distressed and pain to my parents and sister. As I journeyed through with the label on, there were moments where I threw my tantrums as well. Was it a personality trait or just an emotional outlet that I need to vent? All I knew, I was unhappy person back then, faceted with a fake positive outlook in life, acknowledging on the fact that change is possible. I made an U turn at age 31, thinking that situation would improved if I accepted for who I am. Lo and behold, the ecosystem didn't support me in that. At the end of day, its me who is battling alone, the emotions within me that I need to grapple with. I am glad that I didn't do things that were beyond the desirable i.e. Bring harm to others. Most importantly, I didn't choose to take recreational drugs which I believe could happen. Alot of factors held me back, my family and friends, the fact that drugs are dangerous and my professional. But I am seeing many people who dive into the sea of drugs as an alternative to relieve the stress and attain the euphoric high and inevitability causes mental illnesses. Drugs and mental illness seem like an inseparable couple. The following video depicted the support rendered to drug substances users who are PLUs in their rehabilitation. I am glad there are such community services in placed and I commented the founder for taking the bold step to address this pertinent issue within the community. 

https://thegreenhouse.sg/

 

 

 

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2020年 8月 28号 星期五

Dear Diary, this song kept ringing in my head since morning. A 1993 song, love it not only because of the melody but also the lyrics that described how one can be blinded by love at times. 

 

If love is blind- Tiffany

 

People say that you're no good for me
People say it constantly

I hear it said so much I repeat it in my sleep

Maybe I am just a fool for you
Maybe you're no angel too
But all that talk is cheap
When I'm alone with you
If love is blind
I'll find my way with you
Cause I can't see myself
Not in love with you
If love is blind
I'll find my way with you
All the world is crazy anyway
What's it matter what they say
If I'm the one that's wrong
Then let in be my mistake
If love is blind
I'll find my way with you
Cause I can't see myself
I'm not in love with you
If love is blind
I'll find my way

 

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 8月 29号 星期六

Dear Diary, its an eventful August. Received a phone call yesterday from the Ministry of Health that I am required to go for a swab test because I have safe entry to a venue that someone had contracted Covid19. Everything went on pretty smoothly and the swab test was done by a season swabber, it was completed within one minute. I didn't really feel the pain just some itchiness similar to water gotten in my nostrils that happened while I swam. I could still carry on with my normal routine while waiting for the test result but I choose to postpone all appointments and confined my movements to only traceable locations. As a potential carrier, I find it intriguing that we are told to live life as per normal before we know the result, I would prefer to be serve a stay home notice and perhaps for the swabber team to conduct the test at the comfort of my residence. This will potentially stop further spreading within the community. Of course I will still practise the usual safe distancing measures and hand hygiene but not many others are doing that especially the elderly. My parents were pretty cool about it when I told them that I will be going for the test, hope that the right vaccine will be ready soon so that others especially the vulnerable will be protected from it. At the end of the day its all about self responsibilities I feel, and as much as possible practicing cleanliness and hygiene. My case is a classic example of "i am a safe driver but I can't stop the other reckless drivers to bump into my car." Alot of things in life are beyond my control so it takes me, myself and I to regulate. I could have choose to kick a big fuss over the entire incident but I choose to stay calm, compose and collected. One wise man reminded me on how I can manage unpleasantness in life.....he said instead of letting my emotions to run wild why not check on my attitude, be magnanimous about it and forgive that person or people involved?

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2020年 8月 30号 星期日 晴

Dear Diary, its the seventh month and I believe alot of Singapore families are preparing for prayers and what not. My dad is busy cooking dishes for our annual 7th month ancestral prayers now while I was typing this. Through this process of prayers and offerings,  I had a glimpse of what my great grand and grand parents loved to eat and its definitely not Macdonald but Chinese dishes that represent their dialect group. There was this one dish both my maternal grandparents love and it was 薯粉条 (Fried Traditional Tapioca roll), it is a snack enjoyed by primarily the Hokkien. The texture of the roll is akin Hakka Abacus Beads. The starch stripes are made up of a combination of flour and a secret ingredient, my mum said that my grandma will often used this ingredient (so to avoid food wastage) and mixed it with flour, knead it into a dough and then it will be cut into strips, cooked with dried shrimp, dark soy sauce and spring onions and beansprout. The local restaurant http://www.gimtim.com.sg/  has this dish. I have never asked for the secret ingredient only recently and found out that it was really a wisdom from our forefathers. My mum explained that food especially rice, seafood and meat were scared back then, and there was no fridge, our ancestors need to be creative and since food can only be stored up to a certain number of days, hence, came with this comfort food that my grand parents enjoyed in which I also believed that my great grandparents had cooked for them while their growing up. There was this expectations to offer food my ancestors enjoyed and I believe after my parents passed on there will be that expectation as well. So nowadays I will observe and record down food my parents enjoy and I made one discovery, my dad enjoys Italian food and my mum is a fish lover. Dad said that he loves its taste especially the aroma of the herbs. My mum said that the fishiness is an acquired taste and I have to agree to it. I have contacts and associates who dislike fish regardless how the seafood was cooked. Alot of philosophies, ideologies, values and food are passed down generations to generations. Diary will I ever have a legacy of my own since the ecosystem forbids surrogacy or perhaps this ideologies and legacies will be ceased at my generation??

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020 8月 30号 星期日 晴 @2130hrs

 

Dear Diary, don't you agree that... 

 

Loss and grief is never linear

It is a whole lot of mixed emotions

I have lost my dearest to heaven

A santuary that is better than this world

 

I witnessed loved ones and friends left 

For many reasons that was known or not told

Those moments are tough to bear

I braved myself to go with the flow

 

Masked my sorrows hoping for peace to unfold

I know such thought is least desired

But it is a necessity evil I feel

To help me gain the locus of control

 

No one wish for someone dear to leave abruptly

But that is life as many people were told

Love those who continue to live on 

Because I will never know when they will go

 

ET 

30.08.2020

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2020 8月 31号 星期一 晴

Dear Diary, have you been caught in uncertainties before? I bet I am experiencing it now, the result of the swab is not out yet though they said within 48hrs and now I was told to wait latest up to 4 days for a SMS or a phone call from the Ministry to confirm the outcome. There was some hiccups in which I do not wish to rant but I feel the entire situation could be more well coordinated and communicated. Again, I am left in a limbo state, unable to confirm anything concrete. All I can do is to update those whom I have close contact with and prayed that they will be fine. I may sound like I am anxious and worrisome but who won't in such uncertainties. I am glad that I am still very much in touch of my emotions. I will not be working for the next few days and thankfully the management understood. So now its to have a baffle between the day when I was first tested till the outcome. Perhaps its a time for me to rest and reflect on what's ahead, an excellent time since I am crossing over to the last trimester of the year. Diary, no matter what the future lies I will still have to survive the here and now. Grant me the strength to move forth because I am feeling abit overwhelm emotionally. 

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2020 9月 01号 星期二 晴

Dear Diary as I advances the final trimester of  2020. There are a few issues that I need to handle at the professional and personal front. Perhaps I have been too focus on a goal and forgot that I need to also consider other aspects of life. There are times where there are mixed messages in life that potentially will "tear me apart". But I have to ask myself, what do I value seriously? I hope there will be a two me so that I could manage the yes and no in life. For example, if today leaving this person is good for my holistic wellbeing, I hope to have another me to stay on by this person's side. In reality, it can never happened so what i will sense is the peace that I garnered from the situation. Peace is something that I feel less anxious and worrisome. Peace leads me to better wisdom on how I can better manage the situation. But how can I achieved peace? A five letter word that encompassed so much of deep knowledge. I benchmarked based on these decision matrix: 

 

P: Positivity- Are there rooms for reframe?

E: Empathetic - Am I being empathetic?

A: Appreciate- Have I appreciate the situation?

Compassion- Have I show compassion?

E: Empowerment- Will this empower?

 

Diary, I have introduced 5 more profound words while I try to attain peace. Isn't that an irony? And yes! Life is full of ironies. 😆 May we have a fabulous final trimester in 2020, Diary. 

 

Tunnel

I am walking in this tunnel of darkness
A tiny dim light is what I saw
This tunnel is akin my life line at different life stages
Could that light be my final destination?

As I fumbled through the darkness

I fell many times and picked myself up
Wanting to give up based solely on my emotions
Rationalizing perhaps its a higher being's will 


But I know this is not going to work
Some drastic changes are needed
Do not ever expect something to be different

If I keep repeating doing the same all over

I inches myself ensuring steady progresses

Made adjustments as told by my intuition

Pursuance of that light is no longer important

I now appreciate peace and its omnipresence

 

As I walk along this tunnel of darkness...

 

ET

01.09.2020

 

 

Screenshot_20200901-090428_Facebook.jpg

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020 9月 02号 星期三  晴

 

Dear Diary, there was never the best moment in life as we are constantly evolving, the best at my 7 years old doesn't mean my best at 21 years old. Perhaps I have been searching for the best or perfect one but it has always been sub-conscious. Though I said I have no expectations but in fact when I said that its already an expectation. Hmmmm.... yes Diary, I am ranting again, I thought I will have insomnia but thankfully fell into deep sleep at around 1am-ish. As I mentioned to you Diary, there were a few men in my life that left a deep impression but no longer in contact and there was always one song that I associated this person with. Let's call him, AY, we never officially dated and he was almost the perfect partner back then as we have a few commonalities and enjoyed similar leisure activities, he even invited me to his house near Christmas and that was the first time in many many years that I received a Christmas Day present specially bought for me, it was an aromatic candle for stress relieve. He must have known how stressful I was back then. Haha. But thereafter he ghosted and I wondered what happened, I lost his contact no. and we were never on social media platforms back then. I knew the following song via him and I love the lyrics written, it was about this protagonist who reminisced his ex, trying to tell him that he is living on very well without him....... or maybe not?

 

PS:Hello, AY, I believe you are still doing what you have doing for the past N-th year. How have you been? Good memories we had back then. I wondered why am I left out of your life suddenly back then but I guessed you must have your reasons. I love how you interpreted this song with so much emotions and it does give me goosebumps even I listened to it till now with your vocal in mind. May we cross path again soon. 

 

如果 张栋梁 收錄於2007年6月發行的第三張專輯 [王子]。

 

不瞒你说 我真的有想过

从今以后不再跟你 有任何联络

不要再试着暗示我 后来你发现什么

 

不瞒你说 并不特别寂寞

接下来的几个周末 节目特别多

偶而会有人喜欢我 但并不代表什么

 

现在的我 不缺什么

认真的生活 偶而会难过

新朋友很多 他们不够了解我

问了太多 我只是微笑的带过

 

未来的我 没有如果

不相信星座 能预告什么

假设那么多 过去会不会复活

最好没有如果

 

不瞒你说 经过几次风波

你不能再从我脸上 读出些什么

要适应的是越来越多

改变的不只是我

 

现在的我 不缺什么

认真的生活 偶而会难过

新朋友很多 他们都不了解我

问了太多 我只是微笑的带过

 

未来的我 没有如果 不相信星座 能预告什么

假设那么多 过去会不会复活

最好没有如果

 

假设那么多 过去能不能来过

我不相信如果

 

 

 

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@2120hrs

 

巨蟹座

人生哲学非常浅
一切都以家人为先
别惹火巨蟹和它家人
它会用刀刃尖锐的双眼唇舌。。。

把你脑袋剥开 让你记忆洗劫
肺硝烟脚骨断裂
把你熄灭 毫无体面
别测试巨蟹的底线

也别和它提过往云烟
因为它受的委屈比你翻倍
也无人能理解
请勿离开后与巨蟹含冤

更别眼泛泪光 说难以情牵

因为巨蟹的视线很浅
嘴角常歌颂缘起缘灭
小心巨蟹 它会让你面目全非

 

-- 柚子

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2020 9月 04号 星期五  晴

Dear Diary, its teacher's day today. A few of my friends are teachers or private tutors, they are really a bunch of nice people, many went into private tutoring for various reasons. People will have to agree that not unless one is the creame of the crop of civil / public services, the rest are just running a rat race or worst around the hamster wheel. Most education and human services personnel are overworked and still underpaid due to systematic challenges. The salary of these sectors merely improved in the past 20 odd years and there are so much room for improvement. I remembered people telling me to work in the education and human services is a sense of calling, selfless and noble but does it warrant to paying them lesser than other sectors? Diary, I am living in an ecosystem that priced quality, efficiency and most of the times it's affiliated with money. I chatted with my colleagues earlier on- the ROI we have gotten from our higher degree education, and all of us lamented that there's none. So much for spending so much yet couldn't enjoy the returns. That leads me to the following diagram on ikigai, its pretty self explanatory. Not many people I knew has pursued this except for one gentleman who I feel is worth mentioning. His name is Hawk Liu, I am very impressed by his persistence in his pursuits, one of each is Astrology. Yes, he is a Astrologer by practise. I was directed to his website

https://hawkliublog.wordpress.com/about/ and never in my life I encountered a person who pursued his interest and passion so vehemently.

So Diary, what could or should I do?

Screenshot_20200904-223918_Instagram.jpg

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020 9月 05号 期六  雨

Dear Diary, its unexceptional cold today due to long period of rain. As I looked to the sky, I wondered how this FB friend of mine was doing in heaven. Its been two years. This brings me to the fact that life is very precious, I have to treasure while I am still alive. Its suicide awareness month and alot of social media blasting going on. I have mixed feelings about it, alot of people are still afraid or forbids the topic of suicide. I recalled going for an interview and I was asked what was one most memorable event in my career I had ever experienced. As my ex client's case are private and confidential, I told them that it was an suicide case I attended during my police force days that was most memorable. The deceased body was landed in the drain and deformed, we had to search for one of the eyeballs that was dislodged. It was found amongst the grass patches. My task was to set up the tent and put it over the body. Perhaps I am in uniform so I have to act calm but was nervous at the same time. As years passes, I witnessed and experienced individuals who completed suicide. These incidents could have been avoided if one knew what they are dealing i.e. mental health, emotions, psychological health. There were moments where I wish to end it all, Diary but i knew that my time is not up yet. In fact, it takes enormous assertion to bring myself out of the spiral. We all have different ways to regulate our emotions, importantly is to know my enemies, the 5W and 1H of my triggers. Recently I took on another quest in search to know myself better as a person and yes I embarked on Astrology. It has been very insightful thus far and it explains "the whys of who I am", the energies that I possessed via my birth chart. I will share with you my discoveries in the days to come, Diary. 

 

PS: L, I believe things are better on the other side. My time is not up yet but you must orientate me when I join you. Ok? Take care, my friend. For readers who are reading this, and you have always had thoughts of wanting to end your life, do speak to someone or call 1800-221 4444 (24/7).

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020 9月 06号 期日  晴

Dear Diary, you know who I dreamt of this morning? Its my psychiatrist, she was muted and couldn't figure out what she has spoken. Its been awhile since I went for follow up consultation with her. I hope that she would be proud with the fact that I have graduated from Bipolar Disorder and no longer the illness dominates my life.  Importantly, I have ceased taking medications that will have side effects that I detested. My psychiatrist has always been a very patience and objective person, as mentioned in my previous entries, she was there for me at the initial stage of my ailment. She would sit down with me for that two plus hours, just to listen and offered her perspectives and guidance. But that could also be because I was under the scrutiny of the medical board back then. Anyway, when the CMPB decided to grade me as PES F, I was again more depressed because I knew I was rejected due to multiple reasons, the fact that I am gay, a person with bipolar disorder. There were seriously alot of struggles with the fact that I have left the force and I might have been seen as someone who just wish to do away with reservist and "chao keh" all the way.  Those who know me close enough knew that I would also do my best in every aspect of work and my life. Perhaps this could be jolly well be the reason why I survive till today though there were many times I choose to give up my life and end it all. I have learnt over the years that "Doing my best" is one thing but "having to do it wise" is another. Not many of my contacts can comprehend or practice them in real life. Again I am least perfect, so all I could do is to continue to yearn for more wisdom and discernment in everything that I am doing or embark into. Though at times, I may feel foolish to have believe a lie, or someone who choose to withhold the truth but somehow there will be something that will turn good out of it. I always give the benefit of doubts to the people who I came across and if the person choose to lie, there is nothing I can do except for the person to receive their karma in due time.  That is also the very reason why I adopted the "Pause, Slow to react and Silence" stance and "let the dogs bark on their own" nowadays. I am no longer bothered being drowned by the external voices but I am more concerned of how I sees myself and how I can do my very best (with wisdom and discernment) to take care of my loved ones and those I truly care and concerned about.  

 

Diary, this article of Law of Attraction https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-and-using-the-law-of-attraction-3144808 is pretty interesting and I have always been asking for wisdom and discernment..... I am glad to be put through tests after tests for me to sharpen my senses on these two aspects. I am still not very much done with it as learning to be one is always on a continuum, a life lesson that I need to practice. And I love what was stated in the article "Our responses to the challenges we face can make us stronger in the end, and the Law of Attraction can be used for that end, but should not be applied negatively, or it can be more destructive than helpful."

 

Jia you ET aka 柚子

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2020 9月 07号 期一  晴

 

狮子座

 

狮子的刚强独立 十足霸气

迷倒千万粉丝 对狮子无法抗拒

有时又若即若离 扑朔迷离 

立场坚决肯定不拖泥带水

搞不清为何对狮子着迷

也许是它那无限的魅力

让人对狮子深深吸引

严肃又带点儿傻气

锁定目标 不回头 向前进

旁人看见狮子喜欢窃窃私语

因为他们总是别人那今日话题

森林之王 万众瞩目

是狮子的座右铭

难道他们就没缺点让人揪心

不 他们通常都不会置之不理

狮子少有盲点 也无需别人提醒

这就是他们的坚定不移的自信

 

-- 柚子

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2020 9月 08号 期二  晴

Dear Diary, I dreamt. In the nutshell, its about how C who has been providing the needs became the one in distressed. But interestingly it takes another two people E and F to lead me to where C stays. Its akin to a home visit, a stint so familiar in my previous line of work. My impression of C-- a filial and responsible man, he is now the primary caregiver to his mother and lots of responsibilities are shouldered on him, he has siblings but are all married. So naturally, again, the singles became the primary caregiver. In the dream, C went missing and his mother is in distraught I am surprised to see E face very clearly but I am unsure who was the other person, F. In reality, the two possible people are pretty close as friends and I am still trying to figure who is F was.

 

Being the primary caregiver for our parents is a challenge especially if one has a estranged or had a love and hate relationship with them. The emotional turmoil is tough to go undetected. There were past news reports of caregivers who decided to end theirs and the person in need lives prematurely. It saddens me to hear of such news. Diary, realistically speaking, my heart is burdened because I knew that I could easily fall into this category if my parents choose not to take care of their health and complications come later. I am glad that I am staying with my parents now, knowing their likes and dislikes will help me in supporting them in the days to come. Importantly is for me to keep my holistic health in check as well. There are only the two of us, my elder sister and I. The last thing we wish for is for our parents health detoriates and become unmanageable towards their twilight years. I hope that the dream is a false alarm because for all I know, C wouldn't go missing and leave his mother in the lurch just like that. In Singapore, there are not many social service agencies that deals with caregivers' stress, Caregiver Alliances is one of them https://www.cal.org.sg/

 

Diary, please grant all the primary caregivers peace and good health so that they can take care of their loved or hated ones diligently with greater care. Its an uphill task but ample social and community support in the ecosystem, one can make it till the end. 加油↖(^ω^)↗ all caregivers out there!

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2020 9月 09号 期三  晴

Dear Diary, I did something courageous last night. Perhaps time to cast my net wider, to get to know more like or different minded friends (definitely not via the apps anymore). I am unsure if this move works but I will take it with a cautious try and no expectations end in mind. The splendour of randomness...... I could have just missed that posted picture on my fb wall and I carry on with my life as usual but since I saw it.... let this adjustment begin...

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2020 9月 10号 星期四  晴

Dear Diary, I am born in an era and a space that it was inculcated what is good and bad for me. Hence, growing up I have told that such ideologies, values or behaviours were undesirable. My parents are the first grown up who I interacted with. So over the years I have seen how my thoughts, values and even how I feel may emulated them. My parents were dynamic individuals, though they didn't receive much education they are very streetwise even till today. Both of them are sole proprietor as they will call it today. Knowing how tough it was for them to strive, it has always been a wish for their children to take a full time salaried job with CPF. This concept has been drilled into me and my elder sister. As me and my elder sister chatted on our mid career advancements, both of us are still shuttled between being our own boss or to be a salaried employee. My sister has an additional role as a mother as well something I need not play so it can be taxing for her to embark on a full time job now. As challenging as it is for her, I hope she will be at peace in whatever decisions she made. 

 

There was this consciousness of wanting to begin a start up when I was in my 30ish. But back then there were multiple factors internally and externally that held me back. As much as I wanted to strive in my full time job but it has been in futile. So the thoughts of wanting to venture on my own began its momentum again. Whenever I shared my plans with my parents, they were worried that I may have a relapse so trying to assure them is another huge task I need to cross or perhaps not? All I can say is I made my decisions not only base on my intuition but I will checked in with physical evidences as well and how in reality it can work. I must admit that back then I am still not ready emotionally to set up a business and finding a business partner was an uphill task as well so whenever I have such negative thoughts I recalled how my parents strived in their own business. My dad currently is on an one man ops mode likewise for my mum. They used to have staff under them but they have either pass on or retired. Both of them are not out there to earn huge profits but being able to feed the family is their first cut. My dad can increase its revenue he chooses not to because all his customers are regulars and I was always told "customers always comes first and profit later". So when I devise my fees for my upcoming venture, my dad mantra came to my mind. Of course, I can charged the same or more but I feel that importantly is how my prospective client can benefit from my products or services. Basically I don't really care about "spoiling the market" because I think that the fees charged currently are ridiculous. Diary, anyway all are in the pipeline now.... hope that I will have more wisdom smd discernment to execute my plan.

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2020 9月 11号 星期五 阴

Dear Diary, remember I told you the colleague and the superior that I lashed on them few weeks ago? The superior actually apologise to me, I was in shocked. Shock because I didn't expect him to say sorry especially it had happened quite awhile ago. I am not going to doubt his sincerity since I have long forgotten about this incident. As for the colleague, that's the personality so I am not here to judge but glad we both conversed quite light heartedly today. Life is as such, the more I don't habour negativity about the incident the more I could better reconciled and there are no more hard feelings thereafter. So even if I met both of them, I no longer bear grudges.

 

That's goes similarly with people whom I had challenges with or inevitably brought me pain and harm. In my heart, I have forgiven them but if they choose not to acknowledge my presence, I will regard it that that is their own burden they need to carry and not mine. For people with narcissistic traits they may feel nothing about it.... oh well so be it.... one day that person may need to answer to their own consequences and again not mine.  In social work and counselling, we were taught not to "carry our client's monkey businesses" so I am supposed to dissociate their cases once I stepped out from my office.

 

This is to have proper self care for me, its challenging at first but gradually I have gotten use to it. In introspection, my personal love affairs had took a toil on me emotionally in my early years of coming out but I am glad that I have somehow outgrown it overtime. Diary, time does heals and why no human invent a formula for such quick reliefs? Human emotions are so complex, I can talk about it the entire day. Diary, today will also mark the day that I will quit my smoking habit, I did that before and I know I can do it once again, and this time with more effort and diligence. I have planned in my mind what can be done its a matter of execution. Diary grant me strength to overcome this habit in which I have a love hate relationship to it. 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020 9月 12号 星期六· 阴

 

Dear Diary, last night the wish to quit smoking was so strong and I said ok to my one last stick but this morning after i woke up.... its back to square one, the crave of wanting one stick after my breakfast was very strong .My plan to go cold turkey within these few days may not be successful. I have already stayed sober from alcohol for the past 6 months and seems like its on the right track.

 

According to my Astrology birth chart, I was told that I am prone to addiction, though it doesn't say which type, I will take it generally that I am vulnerable to a certain behaviour or substance. Anyway, it will never be drugs, gambling or sex. I have never been addicted to these but nicotine and alcohol yes I fell quite easily into it, not forgetting binge eating. I did an estimation lasy month and I can smoke an average of 8 sticks per day. A lot of my contacts and associates commented that I do not look like a smoker, and often I cheekily replied that it was needed as the latest block buster movie that I shot required me to smoke so once this movie production is over, I will stop. Often we laughed over the joke yet I can sensed the voices of wanting to quite in my heart. In my previous line of work in human and social services, smoking was often frowned upon by many of my peers and superiors. I was once reprimanded and asked to quit smoking, if not, they claimed its tough to guide my ex-clients to quit smoking. Again one need not be a drug abuser to lead another to quit but imho it is always a good to have someone whom has walked that path before to lead the other. Both are actually supporting one another to quit. Well many may beg to differ this but there is always power in collective voices of similarities. Through it all, I discovered that nicotine kick is a necessity evil for a certain season of my life. The nicotine has accompanied me through tough times when I wish to end it all and in fact it is my life survivor. Ok I am not finding myself an excuse but people who have been through this shit will know where I am coming from.  

 

All of us have one form of addiction(s) in our life, most can be done discreetly, a few will cause disturbance to others  e.g. gaming, second hand smoke, violence after drinking. And rarely its healthy as how the world described it. So my next plan later is to carry on with my nicotine purchase but with a conscious effort to reduce maybe 8 sticks per day?  As one wise sage told me this morning "Slowly, cannot do it one go". And yes I will do so. 

 


词曲: 柚子

我想 我是深爱着瘾
对瘾的思念 永不停息
朋友劝说铁定把瘾忘记
但是我 想说 谈何容易

烟灰缸香烟 烧成灰烬
瓶子里的红酒 空腹喝尽
电玩游戏 费劲全力
打败全世界 输了自己

Chorus
瘾 深烙 我脑海里
陪伴我 无数深夜里
怎能把瘾 轻易忘记
好比骨肉相连 无法分离

给我一点时间抽离
抽离和瘾 忽远又忽近
如果会有 那么一天
我会将瘾 撤离心底

Ending
渴望 我能跟随瘾
陪伴着 却是 我的倒影
对自己说真的没关系
给我时间把瘾撤离

 

09.12.2018

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 9月 13号 星期日 雨

 

Dear Diary, it has been raining for the past few days, there is always this mixed feelings about rainy weather in Singapore which is a tropical island almost 3/4 of the year. This reminded me of my time with BG, I remembered it was years ago, a rainy season as well. There were pockets moments of happiness shared even in cool weather where "we cuddled each other in search of warmth". In retrospective BG was nursing from an episode with his ex, me was at a limbo state, we came together perhaps to fill each other emotional void. BG was a quiet and reserved person but with a magnanimous heart and righteous, we both shared similar taste for songs and alcohol. I thought that maybe just maybe I have found that person who I can shared my life but too bad things didn't work out. BG introduced this song to me back then, its a song that X choose to stood by his unrequited love, Y who is in love with another person, Z who do not reciprocated to Y. I like this particular verse: 

 

你不懂我内伤 能哭谁又不想

You don’t understand my pain. Who do not wish to cry if one can do so
并不喜欢逞强 只是我 答应当个称职陪伴

I don’t like being strong. It’s just me. I promised to be a competent company.
我像是个谦卑的铁匠 把心痛都熬成了信仰

I am like a humble blacksmith a heartache forged that became my faith
其实我们都很像 不等到快要绝望 不肯放

In fact, we are all alike, don’t wait till the end.... let go reluctantly

 

PS: Hi BG I appreciated the happier moments we had in the past, though we did not make it till the end but I sincerely hope that you have found your companion whom you can shared your life moments with. Take care! 

 

内伤

作词:管启源
作曲:萧煌奇

林健辉

是如愿以偿 还是一个安慰奖
妳抱着我哭了一场 那么的悲伤
我想我们的肩膀 靠起来有点像
妳从我身上 借点安全感

看来是妳太善良 什么事都不隐瞒
妳仔细对我说他的疯狂 他不够浪漫
打开回忆让我俯瞰 仿佛我就在现场
心要多强壮 才能够抵抗

你不懂我内伤 能笑我也尽量
我要对谁去讲 关于我 荒谬爱着这种荒凉
你的心到底什么形状 我伸手碰到的是一道墙
那些温柔与我无关

你不懂我内伤 能哭谁又不想
并不喜欢逞强 只是我 答应当个称职陪伴
我像是个谦卑的铁匠 把心痛都熬成了信仰
其实我们都很像 不等到快要绝望 不肯放

看来是妳太善良 什么事都不隐瞒
妳仔细对我说他的疯狂 他不够浪漫
打开回忆让我俯瞰 仿佛我就在现场
心要多强壮 才能够抵抗

你不懂我内伤 能笑我也尽量
我要对谁去讲 关于我 荒谬爱着这种荒凉
你的心到底什么形状 我伸手碰到的是一道墙
那些温柔与我无关

你不懂我内伤 能哭谁又不想
并不喜欢逞强 只是我 答应当个称职陪伴
我像是个谦卑的铁匠 把心痛都熬成了信仰
其实我们都很像 不等到快要绝望 不肯放

难道非要 剖开我胸膛 邀请你来欣赏
你才愿意 拥抱我的 坚强伪装 才懂得我孤单

你不懂我内伤 能哭谁又不想
并不喜欢逞强 只是我 答应当个称职陪伴
我像是个谦卑的铁匠 把心痛都熬成了信仰
其实我们都很像 不等到快要绝望 不肯放

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed
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2020年 9月 14号 星期一 雨

Dear Diary, "PEACE comes with no expectations". There are two cheem (profound) words here. Peace and expectations. In fact when one made the above tagline, its already an expectation. So what's my reflection? Diary, seriously I find it rather unrealistic to have NIL expectation on certain things perhaps I could lower them but with no expectations I am deceiving myself. Importantly I have to ask myself how do all these affect me holistically. if it does, what is the next step, will I choose to exit or stay or just observe? Often, all these decisions were made within seconds. So stop lying to yourself ET, there is no such thing as no expectations. I spoke to a wise sage over the weekend and he encouraged me to stop procrastinating and execute whatever that is on my mind asap since I have been toying such thoughts 6 to 7 years ago. Yes. It was the same time last year that I did like to venture into a new and unfamiliar territory but due to the pandemic, things were put on hold and now with one year wiser and new resources garnered, I will be all set to go. Its an expectation, an expectation that I need to fulfill for myself and hopefully for those who resonated with it. Diary I am excited, humbled yet fearful. How would things turn out to be? I will leave it for the Universe to decide as I do my very best with wisdom and great discernment. If its the Universe's will, naturally it will take flight, if not alternatives can be sought as well. I am optimistic. 

Edited by amuse.ed
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