Jump to content
Male HQ
amuse.ed

The Cloud Diary- 白云日记☁

Recommended Posts

Time

Should I waste my time on you who i can't control
Should i waste my time on things that is of my beyond
Can't we see the time that went tick tock
Is this the right time or is it not?

They say time flows like a stream
To a land where there are many dreams
But you told me you did like to be a place full of surprises and supremes
There are no other choices but this is the way its seems.

I do not know what to say
The world is so full of grey
You say I am imperfect and this I know
Yet I still think you are gold
I may be kind and silly but it’s not fine.
Your avoidant ways clearly shows through time

Time will reveal who you are
And you can really be a pain in the arse
Letting you go should keep you afar
As there is nothing left to be my fuss
Finally I can get on my path.

 

E.T.

13.01.2019

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 11日 晴

 

无至尽
昨夜的心情就好比过山车,这种五味杂陈的心境我也说不上,也只能说他的倒影任然牵着我对他那无至尽的思念. 在繁华的城市里, 孤单是必然的, 知心朋友就显得非常的珍贵。

情可分为- 亲情,爱情,友情。虽然有别,但最基本的理念还是要有- 比如说 博爱,尊重与接纳。我还在学习要当位称职的儿,弟,舅,侄,友和爱人。请给我时间,我会尽量做得最好。谁没有在人生的旅途上,遇到那一或几段刻骨铭心的故事。但要从故事中吸取人生的教训和爱的真谛,还真的没几个。

太家都有那位刻苦铭心的对象,不是吗?

在夜深人静里,我也只能感叹人性最自私、残酷、任性与固执的一面。算了,就让时间冲淡一切吧!我可不是圣人。离异不代表放弃,只是需要时间喘口气,然后再继续那段不离不弃的团聚。

 

加油吧。。。 白云!

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 12日 晴

 

I prefer writing my diary in the morning to consolidate my thoughts of what has happened the previous day. Perhaps I took after my father, I remembered Ah Ma told me while I was young, dad would sat at his study table, lowered his head, held a lighted cigarettes in his left hand and I meant holding it literally till part of the ashes dropped into the bin. Ah Ma explained that he was writing for work but there was a laptop isn't it? Why on a hardcopy notebook? I have never gotten an answer for that. In retrospect, he could be thinking of my late mother who passed on in a road traffic accident 19 years ago, the day I was born. Yes, I survived and she didn't. Till this day, no one wish to talk about it... my grandparents, Auntie and relatives especially. 

 

It was 17th Nov 2000, 2.55pm. 5 days from now.  

 

I missed you Mum, I have never had a chance to see how you looked like because someone told dad to destroy all your items including pictures of you. Auntie Bee said dad was devastated then and that was the only thing that he could do in order not to be constantly reminded of you. But the someone's advice and dad actions had deprived me from reminiscing how you looks like and I dislike that. Angry!

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

和我决裂后 你还好吗?
有没有想起那段美好时光
泪流干后 我抗起背包 徘徊街头
往事历历在目 涌上心头
多年以后 还是个问号
对不起这背包我丢不掉
用烟酒电动游戏麻醉
无数与你共度的美好时光
保持安全距离 好不好
这样的安排 可以吗?
忽远忽近又偶尔侧面相遇
无需打招呼 你就长住在我心深处

这样的结果是你要的吗?


E.T. 
02.01.2018

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019 11月 13日 阴

Dad returned home this early morning, drunk again. Yes, it's the time of the year where dad will soak himself in that emo state. 4 more days to go.... roll eyes... never have I seen him all my life. Ah Ma told me that dad used to be a cheerful toddler but ever since he went primary school, things changed drastically. According to Ah Ma, dad was made to be class monitor for his entire primary life and school prefect in his secondary school days. In those days, this was considered quite an achievement but to me it is kinda suck having to be the class enemy for 10 straight years? I wonder how dad survived his growing up years. I hated anyone that tried to control and instill discipline upon me. Ah Gong is the best, he rarely speaks and kitchen is his territory. Ah Ma helms the rest of the household and doted me alot. Auntie Bee.... hmmm I don't know eversince she gave birth to cousin, she toned down her temper for quite a fair bit.

 

Well, a few more months to my enlistment. My peers are all gear up. Dad never shared about his NS life, all I knew was he has never had his reservist ever since I knew the existence of NS. Looking forward to this Friday outing with Leonard, he is a senior that I look up to, akin my big brother. Dad is still in his slumber land, I can hear him snore from his room. Looks like its just an another day. Yawnzzz. 

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

侧面

 

侧面斜视着 心里有话想说
但无法直视 你那温柔双眸
对你的思念也不奇为过
现在的你可好 我真的不知道


就像百宝箱的深锁 打不开的痛
那一幕你说只能做朋友
还烙印在我心中
迟迟无法抹去的空


也许上天已知时机成熟
能够承受不敢直视你的痛
安排你从我侧面经过
现在的你可好 我好想说


想和你问个春夏秋冬
我不知你可否也侧视我
也许你没有 只因你忙着路过
我把紧绷的脖子放松


往另方向走 走出我的伤痛
现在的你可好 我何必知道太多
莫非是你呐喊着我的名
为何如此熟悉 我从梦中苏醒


心中带着一丝丝 我俩的甜蜜回忆
祝你 幸福美满安康快乐

 

E.T

16.09.2018

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019 11月 14日 凉

I do have a lot of time to spare. And yes 3 more days to my birthday. Alot of seniors told me that though I am 18 years old, I do have an old man soul. I think, feel and behave differently from my peers who they regarded as "The durian generation". But one thing for sure, I am certainly an Ah Ma's boy.  "Mummy's boy" was so far fetched for me. Ah Ma and Auntie Bee are my mothers. Dad? He is the sole breadwinner, always busy with work and the only time I felt his presence was his loud and thunderous snores when I woke up in the morning. I have great interest in psychology and from what I read, he is those what the professionals would assessed as an "introverted absence father".

 

I am kind of the opposite of him and Ah Gong. I sensed that I bore characteristics of my mum, someone who is an extrovert, warmth and love to strike a conversation with anyone. Those seniors at the coffeeshop love chatting with me because I can help them set up their FB and IG account, update them with the latest trend and most importantly how this "durian generation" think, feel and behave. 

 

Yes. I spend alot of my time at the nearby coffeeshop nowadays since I am damn free. I do get free treats from the seniors. In business sense, its certainly a win-win situation because I brought value to them, vice versa. Its funny that those seniors started to brag how good their grand daughters are, one by one, they would "up sell their grand daughters". Ah Ma advised me to just smile and tell them 随缘- to let fate decides and it worked. They stopped thereafter. lol. 

 

I wonder if dad had experience such situation. Well, he is 41 years old, widowed with a 18 year old son, the most eligible widower, always busy with work and at times came home drunk not forgetting he snores, theatrically. I never have a step-mum nor get to see him with any lady friend let alone his female colleagues. I do have those social media account, Ah Gong, Ah Ma and Auntie Bee are in my friends list but dad claims that he never had one and I wonder why. 

 

Well it's another day.... 3 more days to birthday and few more months to enlistment. Yawnzzz.

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 15日 小雨

Gosh it's already noon. Let me chope the time and update later. zzzzzzzz. 

Was out drinking and ktv-ing with Jack, my neighbour in his 50s whom I got to know him from the coffeeshop I frequent. We literally drank one tower of beer each and stayed up till 2am. Hang over mode now. Jack shared his glorious days in NS and how lucky my generation is compared to his... his training was much tougher then and people saw the necessity for nation defence as we were still developing blah blah blah.

 

Well, its really none of my business I just wish that I can get the NS stint over and done with and enter the workforce asap. I enjoyed Jack company because his narrative of younger days never failed to entice me.  His eyes though small would brightened up when he spoke of his childhood, teenage, young adulthood years and how he strived in his F&B business and now semi retired. Jack had a colourful life, a life that I hope to achieved when I step out to the harsh reality of workforce. Jack emphasised that networking is extremely important and advised me to cast my net wide when I am enlisted, know more friends. I wished my dad could talk to me just like how Jack shared but dad sunken face has build this invisible wall between us..... xian. Ok. going for my late brunch now and back to slumber land before I meet Leonard for a show. 

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 16日 晴

Last night outing with Leonard was fun. We watched a live performance at one of those music cafes. The instrumentaliats and singers on stage were all professionals man. I love to sing but too bad I am musically instruments "declined". I could only hum along but cannot play any music instruments. Ah Ma used to bring me for keyboard and string class when I was young but alas the teacher gave up on me. Haha.

 

Anyway,  Gong will play his classic hokkien songs at the kitchen and Ah Ma played hers in the room i.e. Teresa Deng, Fei Yu Qing, Feng Fei Fei. For an 18yo to know songs of my gandparent era... I am pretty proud of myself. Oh not forgetting Auntie Bee... her Xinyao and those Taiwan Min Yao. Dad? I rarely heard him blasting his favourite music. My favourite? Besides Metallic and Heavy rock music, the rest are pretty fine for me. I can say that music is my life and I thank the universe for creating such element. Ok got to get busy with an event. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

爱-- 它
义无反顾 却被爱打挎
对爱的执拗是对它的渴望
辽望着爱的铁塔
它是否还对我有一丝牵挂

这些年,惹上一身烂桃花
菊花 梅花 银花 白花旗放
盼望着转角有个真诚的他
愿與我白头到老

心中百般千挂
挥不散那阴影 是否是代价
徘徊在盼望中 是否是痴狂
还是那阴魂不散的魔法

为何还不放弃它
因为爱是希望
能让人在街道停止徘徊
在盼望中停止惆怅

 

E.T

15.07.2015

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

在网上读到的。。。非常有意思。E.T

 

""叮当陪了大雄80年,
在大雄临死前,
他对叮当说:
「我走之后你就回到属于你的地方吧!」
叮当同意了!
大雄死后…
叮当用时光机回到了80年前,
对小时候的大雄说:
「大雄你好,我叫叮当。」

 

每次看到这个段子都很感动。

 

朋友也好,情人也罢,如果累了,我们就回到第一天见面的时候,喜欢是乍见之欢,爱是久处不厌。朋友们, 珍惜今生相遇吧!

 

人生若只如初见!"""

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 17日 

Dearest Mum,

Happy Birthday to me. At this time 19yrs ago, I am still in your womb. My birth time is 2.55pm and I wondered what did you and dad were doing at 10.55am back then. All I knew was Ah Ma told me you requested a sea burial and its inadvisable to erect a tomb for you as this will evokes dad memories. Perhaps your parents and sibling did one but again they were uncontactable since you passed on, they were non-existent in my life. Dad must have did something very wrong to receive that form of treatment from his in laws. My ex-classmates had always assumed that Auntie Bee is you because she will attend all the meet the parents sessions during my school days and we will always the last one to meet my form teacher. No one ever asked for you whereabouts least dad thus I don't tell. Mum, I knew you are at a better place now, kindly bless dad, though my birth certificate bears no name of yours but I know I am akin you, the total opposite of dad or perhaps I bore the personality and character of dad.... maybe the accident has further change his personality drastically? I don't know and choose not to know as well.

 

With love, your 19yo son. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 18日 阴

Went for a zone out walk yesterday morning. Clocked almost 15k steps within 2hrs. Quite an accomplishment I would say. As a Dargon (Chinese Horoscopes).  Ah Ma said that Dragons traits are dominance, ambition, have high sense of dignity, live by its own rule and prefer to be alone. Auntie Bee, an avid fan of western Horoscopes will said that I am Scorpio who takes great pride, care in myself and a person of integrity and discipline. Hmmm... i think its pretty accurate though I wish i can be more discipline. In fact, I just received a call from CMPB for me to attend a second medical review, perhaps because my last medical diagnosis was Bipolar Disorder and they have 2nd thought of enlisting me. I was diagnosed at the age of 15yo with this condition. Initially the medical professions thought that I have childhood ADHD but after some checks against the so called "The bible of psychiatric medicine- DSM", my doctor said I manifested signs and symptoms of Bipolar Disorder Type 2. What the hack, no wonder my enlistment was delayed for the longest time. Never mind lah, as a Chinese saying goes 见招拆招- take up the challenges as it comes. I don't really bother much about what is going to happen next. All I wish for is for my loved ones to be healthy and well. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

瘾 09.12.2018 (星期日)
词曲: E.T.

我想 我是深爱着瘾
对瘾的思念 永不停息
朋友劝说铁定把瘾忘记
但是我 想说 谈何容易

烟灰缸香烟 烧成灰烬
瓶子里的红酒 空腹喝尽
电玩游戏 费劲全力
打败全世界 输了自己

Chorus
瘾 深烙 我脑海里
陪伴我 无数深夜里
怎能把瘾 轻易忘记
好比骨肉相连 无法分离

给我一点时间抽离
抽离和瘾 忽远又忽近
如果会有 那么一天
我会将瘾 撤离心底

Ending
渴望 我能跟随瘾
陪伴着 却是 我的倒影
对自己说真的没关系
给我时间把瘾撤离

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019 11月 19日 阴

I told Ah Ma and Ah Gong briefly about the 2nd medical review just now. Both agreed that its good not to serve also if the primary concern is really about my Bipolar Disorder. The recent deaths of NS men could have cast worries upon my grandparents as well, I am their only grandson and they can't afford to loose me...... especially to poor negligence. Dad is still sleeping, perhaps Ah Ma will update him at a later time. Honestly, I haven't seen or communicated with dad for close to 3 years, the only moment I felt his presence was his loud snore every morning and second guess he was drunk when I smelt reek of alcohol in his laundry. I just received a msg from uncle Jack asking me for another drinking session on Friday night, I declined primarily because of Ah Ma's grumbles and she has explicitly reminded me not to skip my medications anymore. But I don't like my medications at all, it gave me side effects, my hands trembled, I always feels thirsty and worst craves for carbo and sugary food that I put on weight partially because of that. I always joked with Auntie Bee that I have 6 best friends named Benzol, Propranolol, Lorazepam, Sodium Valproate, Lithium Carbonate, Diazepam. Yup that's the medications that I am taking now, and I could be for life as my psychiatrist said. Well its medicine time!

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

一位我非常尊敬的友人发给我,非常有意思。

也感恩他的鼓励。E.T

 

《把自己还给自己,把别人还给别人》

 

三维的对立:
你是错的,我是对的
五维的共生:
我是对的,你也是对的
每个人的经历都是独一无二的,
每个人的体验都是宝贵的财富,
每个人选择走的路,
都是他灵魂想去体验的旅程。

懂得放手,给他人自由,
不干涉他人的自由意志,
不把自己的意志强加给他人,
让每个人的灵魂各自归位,
回到他自己的人生轨道上,
自己为自己的人生负责。
一一心灵意识

让花成花
让树成树
让每个人都成为最好的自己
 
把自己还给自己
把别人还给别人
把孩子还给孩子
让孩子长成本来该长成的样子

哪怕是我们借用爱的名义
去改变我们身边的人
那都是被妄念所控的不当行为
 
我们总是认为
只有指出别人身上的问题
才是爱他
才能让他更好
 
其实
事实是我们想让别人
按照我们想的样子生活
这隐藏在背后的事情
是我们贪图控制他人的欲望
让这个世界听我的
我是王者
 
而这一切源于
我们自己对未来的恐惧
担心
不安
爱的缺乏
甚至是我们自己深深的自卑

如果我们是用
赞叹的眼光看別人的好处
会发现他本来就很完美
没有问题

每个人所在的位置
是他所能处的最佳的位置
他所做的事
都是此时此刻他想去体验的事
一切都是对的
一切都是好的
 
真正改变一个人的
不是控制他
不是否定他
而是让他认识到
他可以做更好的自己
而这一切的实现
是我们自己用完美的生命
去把别人影响了的结果

不必诅咒战争
只需歌颂和平
不必丑化黑暗
只需赞叹光明
不必指出毛病
只需肯定长处
 
平庸的大夫看谁都有病
高明的大夫看谁都没有病
所有的病
都是心病
我们的心好了
整个世界都好了
我们的心平静了
整个世界都安宁了
我们只是焕发了内心的愉悦
快乐生活的普通人
没有谁是
别人的救世主

控制别人
就是控制自己
解放别人
就是解放自己
所谓自由
就是让别人自由
 
让花成花
让树成树
让每个人都成为最好的自己

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 20 小雨

The weather is so perfect to sleep in. Dad bedroom door is stil closed but strangely there's no sound of snoring. My CMPB medical review will be scheduled on first week of Dec. I haven't been seeing my psychiatrist for quite awhile now, perhaps I should call up the institution to schedule for a consultation. Ah Ma also said is better this way so that I will know if I really need to serve my NS stint. Mood abit low today maybe because of the unknowns. Not many people knew of my condition. As of now, only two of BFFs Den and Chris knew about it. They are my childhood, Den is one year my senior and Chris same age as I am. Both of them "are serving their time now" that's how we usually joked about it. Den and Chris were also baffled why there's a delay in my enlistment and we second guessed that it could be of my mental illness. Think I will never know till I see the doctor at CMPB. Well today is just another day. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

夢境

多年以後我們相遇
噓寒問暖 還可以
經過多年風雨洗禮
回到那初次的偶遇

你是否記得 那段過去
你是否記得 那段甜蜜
再次遇見必不容易
難道是上天安排的

看著你那靦腆的表情
心虛裡帶著一絲絲悔意
後悔當初 做錯了決定
痛恨怎麼 沒廝守下去

沒關係 真的沒關係
不好的過去 就讓它過去
把握現在 邁步向前進
成為互相的心靈伴侶

說實話 這全只是個夢境

 

E.T. 15.09.19

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 21 阴

Music transcends all era and boundaries. Last night I stumbled upon this TVB Cantonese drama series with an 1960s evergreen as a theme song. The song depicted bidding farewell to one's beloved and wishing them well. I found that the Cantonese version of the song is more pleasing to my ears and the lyrics written were as beautiful. Call me a 19yo teens with an old man soul. lol. Here are the lyrics:  

今宵多珍重(粤语)
作词:郑国江
作曲:王福龄

愁看残红乱舞 忆花底初度逢
难禁垂头泪涌 此际幸月朦胧
愁绪如何自控 悲哀都一样同
情意如能互通 相分不必相送

放下愁绪 今宵请你多珍重
那日重见 只恐相见亦匆匆
怀里情人在怨 相爱偏不能容
情人无言地哭 心怎不隐隐痛
 
 

Words I really wish to say to Mr. B   "Honestly, I wanted to share the hyperlink of the song with you but it was already wee hours in the morning and I didn't wish to disturb you though I knew you are still awake. You said you have not fallen for someone for the longest time and I told you it is tough for me to fall in love with someone else after what had happened..... anyway, I hope we need not bid each other farewell so soon as its only been the third month"

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

条码 (Barcode)

零到十 条码的表达方式
它是一种多条纹的标志
人类 是否可想而知

零到十 证明身份物品的方式
零 是窥探人生物品生命的钥匙
十 是见证终结人生物品的开始

人类 是否还会感到优势
编程的方式是人类创意的开始
一排排条纹是人类累计的知识

从零开始
人类 寻找初衷的意思
还是 人类无法放下的是
那残酷社会的现实

条码眼中 人类 是墮落天使
喜怒哀乐 酸甜苦辣 生死轮回
都是激情与骄情的开始

-- E.T. 01.06.2019

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 22 晴

I am bored, searched for versions of of 今宵多珍重。Personally, love the rendition by 周惠. If one noticed her MTV closely, there were words in each transition of the scene. I literally wrote it down and it actually make sense. My interpretation of the entire story was about this married man who has an affair, the 3rd party left him without a word and while grieving his losses, he was reminded to fulfill his role as a dutiful husband, son, father. The director has brilliantly deciphered it down to to suit different scenes. I wondered if its his intend but nonetheless that's my interpretation bah. Here's the lyrics of the Chinese version of the song: 

今宵多珍重
作词:林达
作曲:王福龄
南风吻脸轻轻 飘过来花香浓
南风吻脸轻轻 星已稀月迷濛

我俩紧偎亲亲 说不完情意浓
我俩紧偎亲亲 句句话都由衷

不管明天 到明天要相送
恋着今宵 把今宵多珍重

我俩临别依依 怨太阳快升东
我俩临别依依 要再见在梦中

 

And the wording appeared in the MTV:

 

无聊 真无聊
这样无聊的日子
到底还要过多久
他终于走了
我才不在乎
为什么
她当初 不给我个分手的理由
记得 该记得的
忘记 该忘记的
还有 多少叶子可以落
还有 多少雨可以下
就这样吧
还好 有个游泳池
还好 有个藉口
还好 不用说话
好丈夫 好儿子 好父亲
记得了 就不能忘记 不能忘记
不能忘记

 

Lol. I am seriously bored. 

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

你们的过错 不属于我


我们本来就不同
拥有不一样的瞳孔
十指都有长短
又何必把咱们的关系
变得那么惶恐

可能是我前世欠了你们
要不然怎么你们会让我
三番五次扑了个大空
我真的累了
累时因为你们还想不通

人海茫茫中
怎么要我重犯你们的过错
你们把我的岁月给蹉跎
请你们行行好 放过我
让我把日子好好地过

别把你们犯下的罪 归咎于我
也别把我脱得赤裸裸
要我全盘接受
我受够了 每个人都有他们的 threshold
请你们 just scram off

你们的过错 不属于我

没有你们 我的日子照样地过

 

E.T. 23.11.2019

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 23 晴

Where do one go after death? Heaven or Hell? Is that a reality or myth? Why didn't I dreamt of mum all these years? Perhaps I am engulf by the love my grandparents and Auntie Bee has given me. I went Sunday schools back then and was exposed to Christianity for over half a decade, Auntie Bee, a Christian said that all non believers will go to Hell. But Ah Ma has been praying to Guan Yin all her life and believe in Nirvana. Ah Gong is more of a free thinker, he only burnt incense to my great grandparents to show respect but aren't the dead supposed to recarinate after 49 days? Dad? Seriously I don't know. We seldom talk on religion at home because Ah Ma will often snapped whenever Auntie Bee spoke about their salvation.

 

Where am I now? All I know is that I did like to know more of the wisdom that each religion has rather than anchoring myself at one. All religion imho advocates for peace. But what is peace when there are so many interpretations on life after death and so many self proclaimed warriors fighting for the rights of their religion till unrest persisted till now?

 

Uncle Sam, a person I met at gym once told me "All men are born evil". There were 5 points of argument: 

1. Human brought discomfort to mothers during conceived.

2. Mothers experienced labour pain while delivery.

3. Babies cried at birth on their first grasp of air. That's in his opinion tears of anguish and not joy. 

4. Most people suffered rather than rejoiced in their life line.

5. If all men are born good then there will be world peace.

 

At 19yo, I really have no idea if what Uncle Sam said it's of truth but these 5 pointers are very evident. 

 

Anyway, gtg chatting up with Den and Chris later.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

精神病

 

我每天都戴着面具
义无反顾地练习
如何把所谓的正常
演得淋漓尽致

患有精神病
都是败"精神病科的圣经"所赐
永久性地被社会贴了无形的标志
因为外表不明显。。。
"想太多" "你太过Emo" "你太过敏感"
都变成批判我的关键词
所以多年来。。。多愁善感都往身上背

假如,时光能倒流
Nth 年前的我。。。
如果坦荡荡地接受
自己要往哪个方向
不优柔寡断 做位基佬

 

我有选择
选择做真正的自己
无需掩饰那做直男的痛
也从今后无需怕人勒索
我有选择。。。


是的, 我要过得幸福快乐

 

E.T. 24.11.2019

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 24 晴

Had a fruitful talk with Den and Chris yesterday. We spoke about "charity" in PLU context. A question pop up "Would we go for someone who is much more senior than us and fulfill his sexual gratifications without soliciting money from them?" At our age, we are really their xiao xian ruo seriously. Den and Chris are attractive imho. Den has a swimmer bod, high cheekbones and he occasionally gym. Chris is tanned, studious yet abit of baddie pan Asian look and apparently he knows Thai language. If I have to cast Den and Chris in a period drama movie, Den will be the 贵公子 and Chris the 温书生 turn evil kind. Me? I can be their 书童. Haha. Both of them always joked that I am the unclassified, I don't have a hot bod nor looks but I do have an old man soul. Back to the topic, The 3 of us unanimously agreed that we won't do it unless the person is someone that we love dearly. But what if the senior is very attractive? i.e. Chuan Do the 50+ yo but looks as though he is in 30s. That reminds me of Mr B, an unassuming, steady, quiet, talented and matured gentleman who is 7 years my senior. I must admit that I am attracted to Mr B but could it be just physical attraction or more than that? Even Uncle Jack and Uncle Sam who are in their 50s look attractive in their own rights. So what's love? Den said in fact there are 8 types of love and as he elaborated I felt that love is pretty complex by itself though its just a four letter word. "Aiya don't think too much lah. Just let nature takes it course" and yes that's Chris tagline. lol.

Screenshot_20191124-093451_Google.jpg

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

错过

错过的机会 成了累赘
捆绑我内心深处
深处埋了一堆的苦


说什么爱我还能接受我
你的假装 仿佛像位临演
演技差强人意


我拒绝了你的善意
你牵起我的手 我却步
我俩心跳节奏已格格不入


多年以后再次相逢
我们的话题已不多
回忆第一次牵手

我俩欢乐无穷


相拥得多 唯你于重不同
紧握你的手 我们一起走过
松开你的手 就别说在乎我
再次牵手 你就别想太多

 

我俩已分道扬镳

请珍重 千万别再想起我

 

E.T. 24.11.2019

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 25 晴

Due to my bipolar disorder condition, I am consulting a psychiatrist, Dr Yap, she has been following up with me for the past 3yrs and her sharing has never failed to amaze me. When I first consulted her, she showed me the diagram below and explained that what has happened to me was a combination of biomedical psychological and social issue. 

 

Dr Yap said that the moment we were born, we are interwined in this human ecological system- the person who initiated this was Brofenburner. The diagram is pretty self explanatory, my condition could be highly due a mixed of genetics and a weak association in one or many of my systems. When I asked her why am I gay, she looked up and told me the same narrative. It seems like all this "dart board" diagram is very critical. I took some time to study it and indeed it hold some truth.

 

Imho, I feel that its important to know my own identity and how my role as a son, grandson, nephew, cousin, student interacted with the different systems. Sometimes, I am not to be blamed but I can conveniently pushes the blame towards the macrosystem. e.g. I choose not to reveal to associates of the fact that I am gay with bipolar disorder because I need to protect myself from the stigmatisation and discrimination I could highly possibly faced by individuals who are on the opposite camp-- just look at how people with mental illness were portrayed in the media, how it was used as one of the mitigating factors to be given a lighter sentencing in court. And how PLUs are vulnerable to HIV and AIDS, the "promiscuity lifestyles most PLUs are living". All these negativism have prevented me from coming out honestly, telling people who I really am.

 

I further asked Dr Yap since homosexuality and mental illness are genetic, has my dad passed down the genetic traits to me, Dr Yap said that its possible and it could be inter generational as well. Meaning one or few of my ancestors might had these traits but was left undiagnosed. Hmmm.... I wonder who were the ones then. Well its another day, will call up CMPB to confirm my medical review later. 

Screenshot_20191125-082539_Gallery.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

眼耳舌

眼睛好像一把武器
能把人类分割成另个躯体
在无数夜里 人类告诉自己
一定要把眼睛洁净

耳朵就好像个好仪器
只是不善于表达自己
无数人类对它卻百感交集
渴望听那不靠谱的消息

远处看见了一个倒影
还有熟悉的一把声音
却没看见身影 是否在骗自己
却在街角碰见了舌精

眼睛呀 眼睛 你为何在哭泣
是谁伤害了你 让你不知所去
耳朵呀 耳朵 听你在远方哭泣
是否是人类找上倒出悲伤情绪

人类 对舌精无法抗拒
长舌的话语总是爱听
是否真的应该放弃
放弃和这三官那暧昧关系

眼睛已看不下去
耳朵也封闭自己
舌精也先行离去
身躯也选择回避

 

E.T. 27.05.15

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 26 晴

 

I had this vivid dream, I bumped into Mr B along along a busy street. I caught up with him, tapped on his shoulder many times calling his name yet Mr B ignored me and continued walking. Next scene, Mr B entered into a park and just when i wanted to say hi again. Another guy appeared, Mr B went up to him and kissed him on his cheek. I decided not to pursue further and walked away. As I turned back, I saw Mr B retrieved a bunch of sunflowers from a tree and handed over to his guy partner. Further down the park, I saw a straight couple taking their wedding pics. There was another guy who acted suspiciously in the park, next thing I knew was he went charging towards Mr. B with a knife. I quickly ran up and was stabbed quite badly on my abdomen. And I woke up, sweating and pretty disturbed. What a dream. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

爱的进行曲

庆幸人海中 遇见妳
让我生活 更加起劲
你问是否太过着急
我说是天赐良机
为你普的进行曲

你那迷人双眼 烙印在我脑海里
你那亲切的笑容

让我很感到心灵平静
你那专注力 还有细心

让我深深着了迷
我要我们俩在一起

真爱的旅程 不单靠外表而已
内在的美 才能够走得远 走得亲近
你我明白 YOLO 的定义
应该好好地珍惜

牵着手向彩虹奔去

忘掉过去 放下沉重的包袱
你我已更加珍惜 爱的真谛
真诚相待 是我俩的 左右铭
让我们共普 爱的进行曲

 

E.T. 26.11.2019

 

PS: Congratulations RK!!! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 27 晴

I had insomnia last night because I was pretty disturbed by my vivid dream two nights ago. I consulted Mr. Lee my Psychotherapist based at Taiwan via zoom yesterday. From his years of clinical experiences with references to Buddhism beliefs (三世轮回), he gave me these perspectives on dreams in general.

 

1) The past-- from my subconscious mind.. I often can't make sense of it because the incidences that took place in my previous lives and/or past incidences.

 

2) The present-- from my conscious mind....as a form compensation. Dream often compensate what was lost in reality. It could possibly gives me a closure.

 

3) The future--  my supposedly future responses. Dream is to activate my 逆向思维法 (adverse thinking) and allow me to 'prophesies' my future. It serves as protector and prempt my future so that I can take measures to prevent possible disasters. 

 

These three are supposed to stand alone. Each dream will have one theme only 1 or 2 or 3. Mr Lee suggested that I reflect on what that dream meant to me at this juncture of my life. I am definitely reflecting because I rarely had dream that was so vivid. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

空间

连做爱的空间也要管
真是吃饱没事干
多脚兽又怎样
难道他们会让你心灵不安


应该是你本身的欲望吧
十五平方英尺宿舍房外
雨下得稀里哗啦
宿舍房内 干啥事 又干你啥事


还是把书念好

再去用你的脑袋思考
怎样把十五平方英尺的空间变大
让后代在做爱做的事时
不用担心姿势烦恼

 

E.T. 06.06.2019

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 29日 晴

 

I have been reflecting over what Mr Lee has said. I personally feel that that dream is an indicator what has happened in reality. I first met Mr B a year ago at Leonard's housewarming party, we hit off well and didn't start to go out only until recently. At 40, Mr B is well established in many aspects, he has many good attributes imho and that makes him a hot favourite among his potentials. Mr B said that he enjoyed my company because we are like minded, shared similar hobbies and values as well. But interestingly he has never said things like he loves me or mushy words. I presumed that is his personality because likewise I am more of an action taker than flowery talker.

 

I have also the privilege to dine with his parents not once but thrice over the past 3 months. His parents were damn warmth and friendly. They talked to me as though I am part of their family, I felt extremely comfortable while dining with them. Is Mr B making use of me to come out to his parents? I mean he has 3 elder brothers, all married with children so if he wish to lead his life he could do so without having to settle down obligatory.

 

I recalled Dr Yap and Mr Lee told me that effective communication is one of the basic foundations in building any relationships. Jumping into conclusion is one of the worst barriers to that..... so what I am going to do is to clarify with Mr B face to face over the weekend and see what this will lead me to. It is pointless for me to conclude anything that is not clarified. Gosh I am tired.... going to nap awhile more. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Letting you go

For the many nights I think
For a future that is out of reach
You were there for me when I am down
We celeberated when we were up

It was a let down things had turn out
For I thought we can make things wise
Forget the past and move on with our life
Or have we been in great denial

I miss you dearly day and night
Wishing you by my side
Giving me every reasons to hold you tight
Yes and those nights were tough to fight

Wishing our decisions were right
We both know something is incorrect
We no longer can see eye to eye
And I think its perfectly alright

Loving you
is not holding with all my might
Letting you go
is my conduit to keep you invisibly by my sight.

 

E.T. 15.06.2018

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Keep it going, Ed. U write very well and I enjoy reading your diary. More so, I feel for you having to go thru life at such young age. 

 

You are a mature gentleman despite being a youth. Keep it up and strong. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, M-man said:

Keep it going, Ed. U write very well and I enjoy reading your diary. More so, I feel for you having to go thru life at such young age. 

 

You are a mature gentleman despite being a youth. Keep it up and strong. 

Thanks M-man, it takes a gentleman who truly empathise to praise another person who is still humbly learning how to lead a life. 共勉之。

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 11月 30日 晴

 

Ok I am meeting Mr B tonight for dinner. A bit nervous because I hated clarifications and confrontations but the other part of me tells me that I should verify with him asap. Time is an essence and I am helping Mr B to make a decision as well.  Mr Lee told me that according to Maslow's Hierarchy of needs diagram below, a man need to fulfill his basic psychological needs before moving up the Hierarchy at different life stages. Perhaps I am blessed that my basic needs except for sex... lol...were well taken care of since young, my grandparents and Auntie Bee have always been a good role model for me to emulate but dad..... hmmmm.... can't say much though as he is literally so distant from my life. I wonder at which stage I am at but it sure has gone beyond the psychological needs, how about Mr B? He has a good career and is a promising professional I believe everyone wishes to have. He has literally all the 10Cs Credit card, Condo, Car, Cash, Country club mbrship, importantly he is also very caring, concern, compassion, cordial and committed, every men and ladies would desire for and why would he choose me for his companionship during this season of his life? Am I thinking just too much? As what Chris always said...."let nature takes its course?". I guess I will have the answer tonight. 

Screenshot_20191130-090802_Google.jpg

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 12月 01日 晴

A strange feeling loomed when Ah Ma passed the book to me last night, dad wrote that in year 2003, 16yrs ago. But why dad did not pass the book to me in person? All I saw was his working shoes and heard snores from his room. Honestly speaking, I hasn't seen him for a good 3 yrs. I asked Ah Gong and Ah Ma at the dining table and they were unusually quiet. I texted Auntie Bee too but there's no reply. I can't help to think what had happened, anyway there's not many picture of my dad except I think I vaguely saw one or two. As I browse the book content last night, I think I knew why dad decided to pass it to me at this juncture. 

 

I didn't get to meet Mr. B last night, he went out with his buddies for Premier League soccer matches instead. Well, I went Neil Rd clubbing, Den and Chris didn't join me as they dislike clubbing. Den would rather spend his time reading and Chris watching Netflix. Someone caught my eyes, I ordered another glass of red and sat for awhile more. He seems like the "main talker" of his table, all the people who sat at the table were listening to him attentively, he reminded me of a storyteller who narrated stories after stories enchanting the audiences. I admired him from afar, the charisma he exuded was pretty luring. My Saturday night ended with me ogling him. lol.

 

No messages from Mr B. still, its Premier League season so I may not have an opportunity to see him that much. Maybe I should just stay home and wait for dad?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 12月 03日 晴

Slept through yesterday, Mr B WhatsApp and ask if I am keen to spend time with him over Christmas and New Year at China. He said its an excellent opportunity for me to gain some overseas exposure. I am very mindful of my upcoming medical review and told him I would have to ask my dad. Mr B didn't know that I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I don't see a point of telling him at this juncture and perhaps will never will. I wanted to talk to him face to face in hope to elicit some answer if he is seeing someone else besides me but I held back when he apologised that he will be busy for the next few weeks till his China trip. Should I just ghost myself? I mean Mr B has his life and career priorities and I had mine as well. The last thing I need is for someone to regard me as a substitute of another being.

 

I am asking for signs to help me make the decision. Mr B busyness and "avoidance" to my proposed meet up can be possibly one of the signs that I should just leave him. I am drained and dislike the feeling I am having now.

 

Is that even call love in the first place?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 12月 04日 冷

Had an early breakfast with Ah Gong and Ah Ma. I received a shocking revelation. Ah Ma directed me to 3 medium sized storage boxes placed at dad's room. In those boxes were stacks of papers,  CDs and photo albums all neatly separated by polymer bags. Ah Ma said its time for me to know the truth about dad and suggested that I start to know the truth from the box labelled Nov 1977 to July 1998. And the loud dad snores, it was actually a recording broadcasted from an audio system.

 

So in the nutshell, dad went missing for the past 3 yrs but Auntie Bee would still received money and a letter monthly from dad at her postal address. She was told by dad in his letter to withhold the truth of his departure, fearing that I may get emotionally distracted during my major exams back then. Ah Gong also said I will know all the answers to my past burning questions after reading dad's letters and 用心良苦. 

 

The boxes were in my room now in which I am so reluctant to go through them. This latest development on my dad came as a shock. I am totally speechless, the medical review, the recent dream and impending NS stint seem so unimportant, unimpressive and unnecessary now. All I need to do is to pick up those letters and read them. But why am I so reluctant?

 

I hate you dad, you MIA without a word. 

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 12月 05日 晴

 

Hey Cloud
As an old saying goes
Like a bridge over troubled water
Breathless it seems
Drowning may come thereafter
The world is loom with darkness
My future seems so bleak

I am not a saint but a human
who had experienced bad circumstances
I wish to be understood
But on the contrary its often overdued


I have an undesirable label
That was mounted on me regardless
Dad chose to leave me without a word
Where is he now?
What made him leave?
The clues lie in the letters

And this is simply ridiculous

Should I take on his "inheritance"
or choose to ignore this "impedance"
I hesitated

Clearly he made that choice
Not to see me through my challenges
Not to elevate me to become better fighters
Bad emotions are least desired
But that is life which I need to battle

 

E.T. 06.12.2019

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 12月 05日 晴 1555hrs

I finally opened the first box. Photo album first. That baby attached below is dad. The picture wasn't dated but it should be taken in year 1978. There were other pictures but I feel that this struck me-- Happy baby, Ah Ma once said. 

 

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 12月 07日 冷

Dad you left me your YouTube account access and this was one of your most watched clips for 2013. 

 

I wondered were you thinking of Mum back then? 

 

 

Edited by amuse.ed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 12月 07日 小雨 1128hrs

Is Mum from a foreign land? 

 

累了

活在你的今世

诉说的是你我的前世

愿与你共度来世

如果我们的余生会说话

它会是什么故事

 

这没千山 这没万水

有的是钢灰水泥

大自然都是复制

这没春夏秋冬

这没天灾人祸

只有我对你的 牵肠挂肚

 

你的千方百计

让我思绪混乱模糊

我只想给你祝福

换来的却是你的冷酷

 

我累了

走出框框

自行迈步

柚子 

2000年 7月

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/4/2019 at 6:52 AM, amuse.ed said:

2019年 12月 04日 冷

Had an early breakfast with Ah Gong and Ah Ma. I received a shocking revelation. Ah Ma directed me to 3 medium sized storage boxes placed at dad's room. In those boxes were stacks of papers,  CDs and photo albums all neatly separated by polymer bags. Ah Ma said its time for me to know the truth about dad and suggested that I start to know the truth from the box labelled Nov 1977 to July 1998. And the loud dad snores, it was actually a recording broadcasted from an audio system.

 

So in the nutshell, dad went missing for the past 3 yrs but Auntie Bee would still received money and a letter monthly from dad at her postal address. She was told by dad in his letter to withhold the truth of his departure, fearing that I may get emotionally distracted during my major exams back then. Ah Gong also said I will know all the answers to my past burning questions after reading dad's letters and 用心良苦. 

 

The boxes were in my room now in which I am so reluctant to go through them. This latest development on my dad came as a shock. I am totally speechless, the medical review, the recent dream and impending NS stint seem so unimportant, unimpressive and unnecessary now. All I need to do is to pick up those letters and read them. But why am I so reluctant?

 

I hate you dad, you MIA without a word. 

Hey Ed, thank u for writing your heartfelt thoughts. It wasn't easy to open up and feel venerable but you did. I hope ull feel better after expressing your innermost thoughts. 

 

At your young age, it takes maturity and guts to face the predicament of life and i must say, u brave through courageously and not give up. 👏👏

 

Easier said than do, but keep your heads up and where needed, find a counsellor to speak with, just so u have a listenin ear and a healing outlet. 

 

When I read your story, I cant help but feel heart wrenching for your life. Take courage, Ed. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 12月 09日 冻

 

A super freezing cold morning, ignoring those storage boxes that were placed in my room. Was at Esplanade over the weekend just to soak into melodies after melodies with Leonard. If there is a place that I really wish to be in, it will be somewhere full of my favourite music pieces. Dr Yap and Mr Lee suggested for me to just immerse myself into my favourite songs when I am highly stressed. My form of music therapy they proposed. I couldn't even bring myself to reply Mr B's Whatsapp. I texted him stating that I needed the space and perhaps we should not see each other anytime soon. I felt that there are more important things to manage in life right now. If I am reluctant to share the recent revelation I had with Mr B, I doubted he will be the person I wish to spend my quality time with.

 

The only other human I spoke to on my recent shocking revelation was to my "big brother", Leonard. Because I knew he would listen to me without judgement. I poured out to him on Saturday night and afterwhich there was long silences. I couldn't bring myself to tears, reason being I felt so cheated, all these while my immediate family members have been staging up a scene. Those reeks of alcohol from Dad's room was apparently planted by Ah Gong. Ah Gong revealed that he will placed a towel soaked with beer under the room door periodically, just to create impressions after impressions  that dad came home drunk for that few nights (not forgetting dad's laundry as well). All these plots were well thought through by the adults and I didn't even suspected that dad is no longer in the house for the past 3yrs.

 

Leonard's presence told me that I am not alone in all these. The only question he asked was how would it be different if I found out 3yrs ago? Leonard's wisdom struck me and reinforced that its better that I found out the truth now because with my personality, it would definitely affect my emotional state and detriment my performance in major exams back then. I was reminded of what Dr Yap and Mr Lee had shared on "The curve of change" as attached in the diagram below. I am definitely in a state of shock and disbelief now and as an old saying goes "Time will reveals and heals". And I wonder how long will this takes. 

 

PS: M-Man, I am seeing a Psychiatrist and Psycho therapists now. Thanks for your concern. 🙏

Screenshot_20191209-094907_Google.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019 12月 10日 心寒

Dad, this was one of the songs you listened to via YouTube playlist. Was that the moment you decided to MIA? The MTV was published in Jul 2016, exactly 3 years ago. What were you thinking then while listening to this song? I believed you would definitely be thinking of Mum but were there moments you even spare a thought for me, your flesh and blood?

"爸, 我已分不清真伪, 就让那些谎言.... 继续缭乱我的听觉, 模糊我的视线"

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019年 12月 11日 冻

Dad's writings were getting more and more interesting. This was written in year 2014. He must had at least one failed relationship after Mum's demise. 

 

真爱是。。。

 

真爱是 当两人静下来时也能感觉到彼此的心跳
真爱是 当两人都有同样的坚信,理念与观点

真爱是 即便大有不同都愿意尊重和接纳


真爱是 为对方加油打气时也能做更有智慧和更有判断能力的自己
真爱是 没标志的,它就是那么洁白无瑕,毫无顾忌, 毫无条件
真爱是 当两人遇上挑战也能毫无疑问地互相扶持,度过难关

世人那么崇尚真爱到底是为了什么
是被随心所欲 豪无约束的性爱给迷惑


还是世人早已佈下了天罗地网
把所谓的爱情的真谛与假情假意

当做是一场游戏 把棋子紧握着不放手

我再已分不清真伪 就让你那些说过的谎言
继续地缭乱我的听觉 模糊我的视线
你彻底的输了

输在你常把我爱你套上嘴巴说 却一直无动于衷

谢谢你把我给于你的爱与信任给挥霍

 

柚子

2014年 8月 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

2019 12月 12日 晴

I went for nice and cooling jog and managed to clock close to 17k steps yesterday. Ah Ma said she received a phone call from the CMPB on Monday notifying her that I was scheduled for an appointment next Tuesday in the morning. The officer told Ah Ma that its preferred my immediate family members attend the medical review as well. Ah Ma said she, Ah Gong and Auntie Bee will accompany me on that fateful day in which I feel it is totally unnecessary. 

 

And I am curious why didn't CMPB called me up directly instead? Anyway downloaded Growler and Grindr last night and the quest to know more friends will begin. I read from this forum that 99% of gays in those apps just love seeking thrill and fun, no one will be seriously wanting to establish any friendship. Chem night, ONS, SM etc words that are so alien to me. I also read that no one should trust the profiles and even the pictures attached as well. Hmmm.... honestly, Cloud I am using a fake profile here in Blowing Wind too and I am just as guilty as charged. Lol. Guess some human... as if I am not...

often need privacy, time and space. Or perhaps they are just fear of being found out? 

 

Meanwhile, I am so engrossed in looking through dad's belongings, trying to piece the puzzle on reasons for him to walk out from us 3 yrs ago. Mr B and I no longer messaged each other but I am still very curious if he is partnered. Gosh! So many things to think about perhaps the apps would be helpful medium to take a break from most things. Arghhhh

Screenshot_20191211-235748_Samsung Health.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Similar Content

    • By GachiMuchi
      Queer And Over 55: Older LGBTQ+ Singaporeans On Coming Out, Finding Love, and Making Their Lives Here
       
      A year ago, while conducting interviews for a series on LGBTQ+ Singaporeans, a question kept churning in my mind: where are all the older people?
      Ageism exists across society, and is in no way limited to the LGBTQ+ community. But combined, the two produce a startling vacuum. Older LGTQ+ people are a minority within a minority, which is to say they are practically invisible. Even most of my LGBTQ+ friends, when asked to help me find leads I could interview, couldn’t come up with a single name they knew personally.
      Older people’s stories generally don’t get a lot of screen time, but the ones that do are more or less exclusively heterosexual. Representations of contemporary queer life, from films like Blue Is The Warmest Colour to TV shows like Orange Is The New Black and Queer Eye, largely show people in their 20s and 30s. And the Internet, which has been instrumental in increasing LGBTQ+ visibility, with many brave coming-out stories and personal essays about LGBTQ+ lived experiences, is unquestionably the domain of the young.
      But clearly, not all queer people are young, and not all queer stories are, either. We spoke with three LGBTQ+ Singaporeans in their mid-50s and above, who graciously shared theirs with us.
      Ivan Heng, founding artistic director of the WILD RICE theatre company, and his husband, Tony Trickett, the company’s executive director. The couple were married in the UK in 2014. Image credit: Ivan Heng’s Facebook/WILD RICE Jeremy*, a cisgender gay man in his early 60s
      I guess you could say my very first exposure to queer culture was when I went to the Philippines in 1981. You know how Singapore is, it’s not touchy-feely, we don’t hug, no way two men would be hugging or kissing each other. 
      I was 21 at the time, and when I got there I was like, is everyone gay here? To see men holding hands, hugging … it wasn’t that they were gay, their culture is just so warm and physically affectionate, but it seemed that way to me. I found the lack of labels so liberating, to see how they were so intimate and yet it was a non-issue.
      Growing up, there were no examples of gay relationships at all. At the time, ‘gay’ just wasn’t in our vocabulary, it didn’t exist back then like it does now. When I was young, it used to mean happy, bright, bonny, good.
      I grew up poor, in a traditional Peranakan household, and culturally I was in a desert. A lot of my education came from a dear friend of mine, my mentor in life, and in gay life in particular. 
      We used to watch videos at his house, and one of the ones which left an impression on me was Making Love (1982). It’s about a couple where the husband falls for another man and embarks on an affair. What really struck me was that the wife found out in the end, and they had a huge fight and she slapped him across the face—she goes, “I can fight with another woman, but how could I fight with a man? How could I compare?” 
      [The film ends happily], but watching this scene, I was like, oh god. Is this how it is? Most films about gay people are terribly depressing. It never ends well.
      As a gay boy back then—and even now, I think—when you’re young, a lot of it is about sex and getting off. When you don’t have mentors to look up to, or examples of healthy, mature, gay relationships, you just think it’s all based on sex and will never last. I’m not sure this has changed much now, although hopefully it’s a bit better. Still, examples of gay men in solid relationships are so invisible. 
      Acceptance can only come when there’s deep and abiding love. Everyone just wants to be treated with respect and love, and that only comes with honesty. If you’re not honest with yourself, there’s no relationship which can be sustained.
      I’m not out to my family, but only because they’ve not asked the question. Otherwise, it’s an open secret. My siblings have met my partners over the years, and I guess they just accepted it. My mum has passed on, but when she was alive she knew all my boyfriends’ names … she would go, oh, so-and-so isn’t staying with you any more? Are you not friends any more? I think they’re just waiting for me to come out to them, and I’m waiting for them to ask.
      Right now, I have everything I need. I’m in a happy relationship, I have my own flat, my dogs, and I don’t want children. The one thing I would want to change is end-of-life rights. Otherwise, my sexuality is right at the bottom of my interactions with people. It doesn’t present any issues now.
      My partner loves Pink Dot. He’s much younger than me, and he goes every year. I go because he loves it so much, but I’ve been through all that, and I don’t need that kind of affirmation or public platform of support at my age. 
      But I’ve been very blessed, with the friends and family I have, and working in arts and entertainment all my life. The scene is so much more exposed and accepting. If I hadn’t, I shudder to think of what my life might have been like.
      Not all stories are happy ones. This message was received by the Pink Dot organising team in 2019. Translated, it reads: “My family is conservative, and my religion sees me as a sinner. On the surface I am happy, but for many decades I have been living in darkness, in an oppressed environment. I have never really dated in the community. I am now 50, and I don’t think there is any more hope, and I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel any more. But I still want to wish the best for all the lucky ones at Pink Dot.” Linus*,  a cisgender gay man in his early 60s
      I guess we all had inklings…you know, the dance of hormones, feelings you have as a teenager. So I went to the library in school and looked it up. 
      We had a great library. Lots of texts on sociology and bio, and there was a book called ‘Everything You Want To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask’ (I think one of the very young teachers was heading up the library at the time). Once I identified what I was, internally, it was easy. I didn’t struggle with it, unlike some friends and classmates I knew.
      It was never an issue with my siblings. But my dad didn’t know—he passed away when I was in my 30s—and my mum doesn’t know. I don’t think she even knows what being gay is, and it wouldn’t be possible to explain to her now because she has dementia.
      I never thought of telling her when I was younger. My parents are so steeped in the older concept of what being gay is, she’d probably just assume that it’s someone who cross-dresses and wants to put on women’s clothes. It was never something I thought of attempting.
      When I got older, there were chats on the Internet, stuff that I guess would be the equivalent of Grindr or Tinder nowadays. There were saunas, where men went to have sex with other men. And there were bars and clubs like Inner Circle, Taboo, that you went to … but most of them don’t exist anymore. In any case, the club scene is very much geared towards young people. As you get older, it stops being so enticing. You look like a sad fish out of water.
      I think we were only conscious of the AIDS crisis because so much was happening in America. We read about it in the papers and in books, but I think we in Asia tended to think of HIV as a ‘Western’ disease. It was scary, but by the time we realised this was happening to us, there were already medical discoveries and organisations like Action for Aids (AFA), so there was greater awareness, and anyone sensible knew to take precautions.
      Still, I have some friends, some close ones, who’ve had it, or died from it. Sometimes you hear stories about someone succumbing to pneumonia, and they’re not that old, maybe in their 40s. And you think: could it have been HIV-related?
      It would be a nice victory if 377A was repealed, but I’m not holding my breath. The government will always say that the moral majority is conservative and not open to LGBTQ+ people. Personally, I don’t think there’s an ideal society; my friends and I never thought of going out there and demanding for solutions, because that’s not going to happen.
      In my opinion, what one should do is try and look for a way around things, find a personal solution, or you’ll just be hitting your head against the wall. I happen to know one of the couples who challenged 377A, and they told me that after two or three years of slugging it out in court, they looked at each other and asked if it was really worth it, because they ended up exactly where they started. Looking to the authorities for a solution is a tough sell.
      But I’m hopeful that things will change gradually. When I talk to generations that came after me, young couples in their 20s and 30s, everyone’s so comfortable with it; everyone’s got a token LGBTQ+ friend they’re so fond of. I’m optimistic that way.
      Edie Windsor (R) and her wife, Thea Spyer. Edie was the lead plaintiff in United States v Windsor, a seminal 2013 US case which granted same-sex married couples federal recognition for the first time. Cathy*, a cisgender lesbian woman in her 50s
      Work was lonely. I worked in the corporate world in my 20s and early 30s, and I never saw another gay person. You couldn’t talk about it. Stuff like what you did over the weekend, water-cooler chat … you can’t go into it, and I guess that’s why I always felt like a bit of an outsider. It was never hostile, but you just felt different, and conscious of having to hide in a way which other people didn’t.
      I began working in the charity sector and becoming involved in civil society in my 30s, and that was what changed things for me. Before that, for a long time, my plan was to migrate.
      When I was younger, I would imagine myself on a farm, enjoying the outdoors and seasons …  idealistic things like that. It was only after I got involved in civil society that I began to feel like I was making a difference, and everything changed; it was how I met my partner, too. But I honestly think I would’ve left if I hadn’t found that. 
      Civil society was an interesting place in the early ‘90s. The organisation I joined was a very accepting space. You felt comfortable bringing people and they would treat your partner as a friend, but no one asked about it, or spoke about it the way it is now, even there. You felt the acceptance, but you never introduced anyone as your partner. I didn’t do that until very late in life.
      Right now, I think it’s just a matter of time. I’ve bet with my friends that in 10 years’ time, we’ll be living in a very different society, and 377A will be history. I work with a lot of young people, and it gives me a lot of hope. We’re on the right side of time, and we’re moving towards acceptance. I don’t see how Singapore can keep still.
      Still, I’ve been incredibly lucky. Being a lesbian has been tough at points—perhaps not as much as for other people—but I think it compelled me to find my own way in the world, to make sense of my own life, because the tried-and-tested route just wasn’t available to me at all. Having kids, getting married … that’s never been on the cards. Even moving out, which I did at 22, was so radical at the time. 
      The other thing is the support of my family. My sisters and I are all gay, and we came out to our parents when we were in our early 20s. It was a journey they had to go through, and there were some very difficult years, but that was one of the privileges I’ve had: parents who really, really love me.
      Their friends still aren’t comfortable with it, and I guess that’s the difficulty with society as a whole not moving, even if [my parents] have as individuals. They had to give up some of their friendships, or not see their friends so often, because the comparisons their friends were making or asking about our lives … they just didn’t know how to deal with that, and it was very painful for them. They had to have smaller worlds so that we didn’t have to be in the closet.
      But a few weeks ago, around Mother’s Day, I had a Zoom call with my mum, and she said, this was my best decision. I was like, what was? 
      And she said, accepting all of you. That was the best decision I ever made in my life. It was the first time she’d said that.
       
       
       
       
       
    • By Speedomaxx
      Anyone here has special love for speedo ? It gets me real hard on. 
       
      Sometimes I wear it as my brief and I put on a skimpy pair of speedo to massages. The masseurs get extremely aroused when they see it. 
    • Guest Bi guy
      By Guest Bi guy
      Hi everyone, I was just wondering if any of you guys likes transexuals also? 
       
      I once met a transexual using Grindr, she was tall, ample breasts, very sexy with a 6 to 7 inch dick, she was wearing a singlet and shorts when I met her outside her house.
       
      She was smoking and I joined her to smoke one, I was telling her she was my first ladyboy and nervous I was. She was very friendly and approachable. She brought me into her house and closed the door. It was around 1 am so it was dark super .she held my hand brought me into her bedroom where she had her led light on, it was green or blue in colour. 
       
      We both sat on the bed and we started to kiss.her kisses were sooo suductive I'm not sure how to describe it. My hands went to her breasts which were firm and it almost didn't fit in my hands.I started fondling her breast when we both lied down together on the bed.
       
      I pulled up her singlet and went to town on her breasts, sucking licking, squeezing. She closed hers and threw her head back while she grabbed my head closer. This turned me on more made me so hard. I directed her hands to my cock while my hands went to her hard cock. While still sucking her tits.
       
      She was hard, I grabbed her dick and started to jerk. she moaned a little, this caused us both to let go and strip. I brought my hard dick to her mouth and she sucked me omg best feeling.. like a slut. I almost cummed when I stopped and when down to suck her.her moans and the way she grabbed my hair made me feel so horny. I told her I wanted to fuck her and she put on a condom for me with the suck. And she went on all fours. I went in, it was soo warm, I started fucking her. Infront of us it was her dressing table with mirror, so I was seeing her facial expressions and her breasts. She knew and was making this slutty faces and grabbing her breasts, I couldn't last any longer and cummed. 
       
      I sat down after that while making her stand Infront of me and sucked her off. Shortly after that I left and I couldn't have the time to meet her since.
    • Guest Watcher
      By Guest Watcher
      I used to watch those China web cams but they're shut down years ago. They are really shameless and I liked. Unlike cam4 which are predictable and boring. They have so many patterns to keep viewers engaged.
      E.g. They pay ordinary man in the street for sex and fucked them.
      They cross dress to pick up straight men at red light areas then watched their reactions when finally exposed. Some straights are already too aroused to care. Some are so soothed by the anal massage that they allow to be penetrated.
      Some spy at gay cruising parks and exposed the actions behind the bushes. 
       
      Recently, I keep seeing some captured videos on Twitter. Apparently, these are still active. I try to ask them about the apps. But there's no direct answer, just that they keep changing to avoid detection and only insiders who pay are informed.
       
      Anybody here who paid to follow these apps?
    • By leantonedboy
      Just wanna have some story time. 
       
      This happened really unexpectingly and i feel that despite how 2020 has been to us, i still feel that there is still good left this year. 
       
      It all began when i was scrolling through Grindr randomly. Was not looking for anything in particular because at this age (i’m turning 30 this year), I was already not expecting much from this app anyway. But then suddenly i saw this profile. He was staying nearby too. His profile pic looks decent and i thought why not say Hie. So i decided to say Hie first. He is 36 this year btw. He replied. 
      The chat started very awkward with all the usual introduction. At this point, i didn’t expect much. He was very interested at the picture i gave him and he said it sure does gave him the attention. 
       
      At the very beginning the chat started out a bit slow. So i thought to myself, this was going to be another case whereby sooner or later the chat will die out and after that either one of us will ghost each other. But to my surprise, he replied willingly after each replies. We even greeted each other in the morning. Which I find to be very strange in a good way as i was not expecting it to be that way. Days goes by, and we seem to be very interested with our chats that it seem as though we really enjoy each other’s time chatting. 
       
      As we got to know each other, we decided we wanted to meet. So we exchanged contact with any hesitation. We seem to be so excited to meet as we were eager to finally able to see each other in person. So our first meet up was going jogging with each other. You can tell we were nervous but was trying to cover it up as we kept smiling to each other. We were happy when we finally met. So we had a good run till we ended up having fun somewhere. The session was hot as both of us didn’t had any fun for quite sometime. After that was done, it was not awkward at all. We continue walking back home as we chat. Can tell our conversation didnt stop as we chatted very naturally. I send him over at the mrt and waved goodbye. 
       
      So days after that first meet up, we continue chatting over at whatsapp. We grew closer to each other each day by making time over our busy schedules to meet up whenever we can. 
       
      Then came the whole Circuit Breaker period and this was when it really tested the both of us. Due to the strict restrictions, we were not able to see each other. Now this was the real hard part because the only way we got to see each other was through video calls. We both admit to each other that the situation made us miss each other a lot and the most sweetest thing was him using Grab services to deliver food/drinks/desserts for me. I was so touched at first and I returned the favour in doing the same thing too. We continue to tell each other that, once everything is ok, we will definitely see each other again. 
       
      Fast forward to Phase 2 and when finally we were able to see each other, that is when things got serious. There was a particular day after we met, he asked me a question which led to the truth being told. I lied to him that I didn’t have any social media accounts (i.e. An ig account). He didn’t believe me and didn’t make any sound. Throughout the day, it made me feel guilty because i kept thinking of all the things that he had done for me. 
       
      I didn’t wanna let him know my instagram account because at that point of time, i was attached with a girl. Yes, i thought I was bi. 
       
      So before the day ends, I decided to tell him the truth. It was so hard for me to let him know that i broke down in tears trying to explain my situation. Despite him being hurt, he still cares for my feelings and he hugged me. He understand what was i going through and he was glad that i told him earlier before we went on further. That night was the lowest point in my life and for the both of us too. He told me he was cheated before. Just before we chatted, he recently broke up with his ex bf whom he was together with for more than 5 yrs. Can tell that night he was really down. He really thought it could work out between us and he poured out his feelings that night. We couldn’t stop texting each other that night till about 3am. I was crying non stop because we were trying to find a solution for this. We tried so hard to make each other to leave but our hearts really can’t take it. 
       
      I knew how i felt that day and i knew i had to come out and be true to who i am. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. This event made me even realise more that at this point in my life, i needed to make a clear direction to where i am going. 
       
      The next morning we texted each other, our usual good morning. But we both didn’t slept well. I felt so guilty that i ordered his fave coffee delivery to his house. He was touched and he said he misses me. But he couldn’t stand the fact that I am still someone else’s. 
       
      That was when i realise and made a decision. So i took the huge leap of ending of my r/s with my gf (she is my ex now). I decided not to let her know the real reason but i kept it generic with her. I knew sexually, i was not aroused by females. 
       
      Once that was settled, I let him know of my decision and he was very supportive of it. He was glad that I looked happier now and that was the only thing he wanted, for me to be happy. 
       
      After the whole saga, we were chatting even more and going out for dinner when we were finally able to dine out together recently. 
       
      Till today, we decided not to have any status or told each other that we were dating. I mentioned my feelings to him before till one of the day inside my car when i was sending him off. We kissed goodnight and i accidentally said, ‘i love you’. He was shocked and smile shyly but did not reply. He texted me after that saying that he didn’t wanna sound bad to me but he said he was not ready for another r/s yet. He can’t seem to open his heart yet after what happened to him previously. I totally understand his situation but he felt that it was unfair to me if he would to keep me waiting. 
       
      So now, we are really just enjoying each other’s company and having ‘fun’ with each other once in a while but we haven made it official yet. I want him to be my boyfriend and i think he also would like to have that but i think his heart was wounded the last time around and so he didn’t want to be hurt again. 
       
      As of now, we are just going through each day. Are we friends with benefits? Are we dating? Will we be tgt as bf one day? I don’t know, only time will tell. Anyone went through somewhat similar situation? Hehe
       
      So what are your thoughts?  
×
×
  • Create New...
counter