Discussion on Loneliness - How do you even overcome being lonely? (compiled)

[Guest Reality]

On 3/29/2018 at 9:02 AM, SazNura said:

why don't you join one those line groups in BW, just chat and just hang. talk about sexuality , non sexual stuff , meetup for non sexual fun like gym together or karoake together or bake together. you are lonely because you feel you are not making worthwhile memories.make some good memories, you will find yourself smiling and happy even when you are alone

Easy said than done.  The reality is,  what if you meet-up and you are not good-looking?  There is high tendency people will sideline you, than it come to square one.  Chatting without showing face is till not bad.  At least, it is kept mysterious and anonymous.  Display your inner beauty thru writing.  Don't have to make physical impression and get dissappointed.  Already here a lot of posting mentioned about Fat, skinny, sissy people don't deserve love by musuline one or someone said he is socially stressed for being good-looking.  On that note, better don't meet and became a victim of discrimination.

[upshot]

Lots of hobbies and interests in life. Stop thinking your life needs to always be tie to another person or people for everything for all the time. People need people but being able to view and treasure yourself as an individual is just as important to you and society. Mot of the talented and interesting people tend to not think they need to be int he company of people as they are too busy trying to perfect their craft. People come to them when they make it. If you can not make it in anything in life... people TEND to go away from you.

[lonelyglobe]

On ‎29‎/‎3‎/‎2018 at 4:15 AM, Guest scare said:

Now I'm very nervous thinking that my parents will be away sometimes in the future. Is a reality that I have to face one day. but every time I think about it I feel very sad. I'm crying every time I think about it.  I feel like there will be no meaning for me to live or look forward to. I feel so alone thinking about that.

u r not alone, every single man will have to face this issue one day, while it is good to think about it and get mentally prepared but I think should not worry too much as life still needs to go on no matter what happen, "船到桥头自然直"

[Guest Fatty]

I look for money boys.

[LeanMature]

14 hours ago, Guest Reality said:

Easy said than done.  The reality is,  what if you meet-up and you are not good-looking?  There is high tendency people will sideline you, than it come to square one.  Chatting without showing face is till not bad.  At least, it is kept mysterious and anonymous.  Display your inner beauty thru writing.  Don't have to make physical impression and get dissappointed.  Already here a lot of posting mentioned about Fat, skinny, sissy people don't deserve love by musuline one or someone said he is socially stressed for being good-looking.  On that note, better don't meet and became a victim of discrimination.

 

True, if you meet up with the wrong group.  What they called Social Economic Status or SES.

[Guest Liao]

1 hour ago, LeanMature said:

 

True, if you meet up with the wrong group.  What they called Social Economic Status or SES.

It is a complicated thing.  So many people are single for a reason, they given up hope liao.

[Guest moon]

What am I missing? Why do I feel so lonely? Never felt as lonely before. I thought I'm anti-social and okay to be alone. Maybe because I'm getting older. I feel like missing something. A life. I feel I'm not living my life. Do you ever felt that before?

[Guest Guest]

 

[Guest Sun]

2 hours ago, Guest moon said:

What am I missing? Why do I feel so lonely? Never felt as lonely before. I thought I'm anti-social and okay to be alone. Maybe because I'm getting older. I feel like missing something. A life. I feel I'm not living my life. Do you ever felt that before?

Full moon is the best time to get laid.

[Coolbriz]

Hi TS, our emotion changes just like the moon. Sometimes you feel happy and satisfied like the full moon. Sometimes you feel down, lonely and lacking, akin to the waning moon. However, the moon is always round as a matter of fact. It’s the way we see it from different “perspectives and angles” that it appears changing. Acknowledging the fact that we human have our ups and downs is a way to cope with it. Fill those gaps with something you enjoy doing and you probably find solace in your inner self.

[Steve5380]

2 hours ago, Guest moon said:

What am I missing? Why do I feel so lonely? Never felt as lonely before. I thought I'm anti-social and okay to be alone. Maybe because I'm getting older. I feel like missing something. A life. I feel I'm not living my life. Do you ever felt that before?

 

Did I ever feel that way?  Plenty of times.  Don't be concerned,  it is perfectly natural.  It is one of the consequences of not being eternal.  But I found a solution.

 

When my beloved partner passed away last year, I thought it was the end of the world for me. I was at his side when he died, when he was cremated.  I have his ashes in his room at home.  Then, I had the blessing to realize a fact of life:  we come from nothing, and we return to nothing.  I have ceased to exist for my bf,  all his memories of us together are gone.  One day it will be my turn.  

 

And here is the blessing:  I see in each person, each stranger,  a fellow living creature that without doubt shares my curse to disappear one day into nothing.  So we share a camaraderie that is fundamental,  beyond differences of race, age, wealth, or any other attributes.  I even feel camaraderie with animals, insects, any living creature.  When I find an unwanted bug in my house I feel bad having to kill it.  

 

What I describe could be seen as very somber thoughts,  but in reality they are empowering.  Even if we are NOTHING for the universe, we are EVERYTHING for ourselves.  If you feel lonely, anti-social you are not alone,  every single person out there is one that you can treat as completely EQUAL, without concerns, fears. And with this realization,  being lonely and anti-social lose their reason to be, and you simply have CHOICES. 

. 

Edited June 16, 2019 by Steve5380

[fab]

月圆人不圆。

 

：(

[auscent]

Humans are conditioned to miss thing that they dont have. Dont be too harsh on yourself.

[wilfgene]

月既不解饮

[Oceanscape91]

It's ok to be lonely, normal to feel that way. The moon has its way to reflect our inner reality and desires. Maybe its reflecting to you the desires you have within all along, suppressed and to be acknowledged. 

[Guest 月下弹琴]

[Guest Winston Wang]

I am turning 25 years old in a few months time and I have never been in a relationship before... let alone have sex.  I find it so odd to be a virgin at 25 years old.

 

Every now and then, I have the urge to come out as gay to my family and friends but I am afraid that they can't accept it. Especially my family, I am raised in a very traditional family and if my parents were to know I am gay, it is highly that they will commit suicide.

 

But in recent months, this loneliness seems to be overtaking me... I really wish to date someone or experience sex, or just make gay friends. I wanted to start using Grindr, Jack'd etc but I am scared that people who know me might come across my profile as Singapore is so small...has anyone been forced to come out or exposed through using dating app?

 

Please share your stories or advice! Thank you.

[jackomaki]

Maybe to ease yourself, it's fine to try chatting on the apps without a picture first or a mosaic'ed out one. I'm sure there'll be plenty of people who chats like that too. There's also a chat function here if you would like. The initial anonymity might help you to understand yourself and the "community" more 

[tinkymale]

3 hours ago, Guest Winston Wang said:

I am turning 25 years old in a few months time and I have never been in a relationship before... let alone have sex.  I find it so odd to be a virgin at 25 years old.

 

Every now and then, I have the urge to come out as gay to my family and friends but I am afraid that they can't accept it. Especially my family, I am raised in a very traditional family and if my parents were to know I am gay, it is highly that they will commit suicide.

 

But in recent months, this loneliness seems to be overtaking me... I really wish to date someone or experience sex, or just make gay friends. I wanted to start using Grindr, Jack'd etc but I am scared that people who know me might come across my profile as Singapore is so small...has anyone been forced to come out or exposed through using dating app?

 

Please share your stories or advice! Thank you.

Talk to us, we are here for you 

[Steve5380]

8 hours ago, Guest Winston Wang said:

I

Every now and then, I have the urge to come out as gay to my family and friends but I am afraid that they can't accept it. Especially my family, I am raised in a very traditional family and if my parents were to know I am gay, it is highly that they will commit suicide.

 

 

Most of us who are older were raised in a more traditional family.  In those days, nobody was talking about gays,  and it could be assumed that they were all homophobic.  But it surely was not so.  What gives you the idea that your parents would not accept you as gay?   Do they say bad things about gays?

 

If this is so, if they badmouth gays, is there a way you can be the devil's advocate and take the side of gays?  With proven facts?  And challenge them to prove that the pro-gay facts are false?  Maybe you can, over time,  reduce the bad ideas, feelings your parents have about homosexuality?

 

After all, you are an ADULT.  Even if you are living with your parents,  you are not their little child anymore.  Don't let this downgrade persist forever.   From being their dependent, transform yourself into their loving 25 y.o. ADULT MAN, who can have his opinions, his likes and dislikes, and who can protect them if necessary.

.

Edited May 21, 2020 by Steve5380

[Ben S]

Grindr, Jackd, etc also have a lot of fake profiles, fake 'friends' ... so, you will need to be extra careful on who you choose to chat/get to know

 

And there will always be chance to get exposed (having the app or not), depends on how you live your life.

 

Once you're independent and able to face the worst consequence in coming out ... only then you can start living your life and enjoy it

in my case, I thought it was disowned by family ... which didn't happen, and all ends ok

 

you mentioned worse reaction ... is this the conclusion from your extensive observation on how your parents react to gays ?

to my knowledge, there is Pink dot event in Singapore ... how did they react to that ?

I think you need to get to know your parents more first

 

 

[PG40]

My personal experience is to first work on gaining independence - whether it's financial, emotional or situational. 

 

I did not come out to myself until I was 27, and only got into a relationship in the later 2 years. When I look back, even as I gain financial independence, I was not emotionally mature to handle any kind of intimate relationship. It wasn't until in my late 30s do I truly feel comfortable to be forced out of the closet (another story, another time), because by then I was already in charge of my own life.

 

Yes, the emotional blackmailing from your parents/ relatives will still continue, but as a wise person once said "if dem bitches ain't paying your bills, don't you pay them any attention".

 

Be patient, young one. Good things come to those who wait. 

[Guest Please]

I don't have the time right now to compose a lengthy essay, but please just avoid the apps. 

 

Just don't bother. 

[Guest loneliness]

I know someone who stayed single (and gay) until he was 48 years old then he decided to just get married. He said he hadn't had a boyfriend in 17 years and after that he decided he wanted to look after his own interests, so he found someone who could care for him as he was getting old. His marriage partner knows he is gay but was still willing to take care of him (she comes from a less developed country in Southeast Asia)

 

They adopted some children recently and look quite happy. 

[Guest guest]

3 minutes ago, Guest loneliness said:

I know someone who stayed single (and gay) until he was 48 years old then he decided to just get married. He said he hadn't had a boyfriend in 17 years and after that he decided he wanted to look after his own interests, so he found someone who could care for him as he was getting old. His marriage partner knows he is gay but was still willing to take care of him (she comes from a less developed country in Southeast Asia)

 

They adopted some children recently and look quite happy. 

this is the sad part of gay. If the person is getting old and lonely, i also would ended up marry and get a person to take care and spend time together. Whether it is straight or gay, being old and lonely is a scary thing. No matter how many friends you have, afterall they are still friends and not your spouse, they cannot be there for you 24/7 or help you everytime and everything.

[Guest step out]

On 5/21/2020 at 7:26 PM, Guest Winston Wang said:

I am turning 25 years old in a few months time and I have never been in a relationship before... let alone have sex.  I find it so odd to be a virgin at 25 years old.

 

Every now and then, I have the urge to come out as gay to my family and friends but I am afraid that they can't accept it. Especially my family, I am raised in a very traditional family and if my parents were to know I am gay, it is highly that they will commit suicide.

 

But in recent months, this loneliness seems to be overtaking me... I really wish to date someone or experience sex, or just make gay friends. I wanted to start using Grindr, Jack'd etc but I am scared that people who know me might come across my profile as Singapore is so small...has anyone been forced to come out or exposed through using dating app?

 

Please share your stories or advice! Thank you.

 

I don't think your parents would commit suicide if they know you are gay. Don't be overly dramatic here.

 

There are many people who have been in the same situation as you. guys living in the closed and with their parents but they live their gay life outside.

If you are aware you are really gay, then step out of your comfort zone and experience gay sex. You wasted a lot of time of your best years already.

You should explore because there might be a possibility for not being gay at all.

 

I m not in favour of being overly closeted and think at a certain time you can open up to your parents.

 

Most other gays here in Singapore won't out you as a gay. I think you are thinking a bit too much. many are living in quite closeted conditions in Singapore.

We are not living in the 1950s anymore.

And it is already quite bad if you think other guys would blackmail you. If someone tries to damage you in any way because you are gay, the police would still protect you against any criminal activities even if you are gay. The chances for people to damage you exists only because you believe someone could do.

 

You really need a push to make a large step forward to explore your gay life. We can't do this for you.

But if you go on like this, you might start having mental issues and feeling depressed.

Go and explore to see if you are gay or not and if you enjoy gay sex.

 

And step a bit out of your closet. Nobody will harm you. Talk with guys in similar situations.

 

 

[dinnyjully]

I understand the fear of coming out can be scary. 

 

I remember the first person who I came out to was my best friend. We were on a bus to a shopping mall when I told her. I was shaking when I came out and I was still shaking an hour later. It was hella scary. But she was so happy for me and so happy that she had a gay best friend hahahahaha! Things got better from here when I start to slowly come out to people I know that I can trust. A few years later, I knew a classmate who was openly gay and we became quite close. He suspected I was gay but I kept denying until we graduated. Subsequently, I start to realise that there are a few people around me that are gay.

 

I also started using Grindr, Jackd, Tinder after coming out. It was alright, cos I was faceless. Made and met some friends and had some fun. But when you are on this app, learn to protect yourself cos there are a lot of assholes out there that just expose ppl so yeah. And don't invest too much feelings. Just because someone is talking to you doesn't mean that he is interested in you. 

 

As for sex, take it easy man. Some say that it's good to save your first one, but some prefer playing with it so it all depends on you. I'm 23 years old when I lose my virginity to a 40 years old uncle. But, honestly no regrets cos his body is hot af. Don't need to care about what others say. Hahaha, just do things that you are comfortable with. Don't need to force yourself into a corner.

 

Most importantly, while you should protect yourself, don't be scared of getting hurt (not quite sure if it's the right advise tho >.<). I realise that I learn most when I am hurt for some weird reason. It helps you grow as a person as well. If you need advice or someone to talk to, there's always this forum where you can come to!

[Guest HITC]

Hi I think only you would know how your parents might react so pay no mind to those who call you over thinking or what not cause when shiz goes down they won't be responsible. 

 

Avoid them apps please. 

 

My mom found out I was gay early because my first "boyfriend" told his friend he was in a relationship with me and his friend knew my friend who told my friends who outed me. 

 

I live in the west and I thought dating someone in the east was safe enough. Everybody knows everybody somehow or other. 

 

My mom accepted me with no problems but not everybody is as lucky. I know people who got kicked out or forced into church counselling. 

 

Wish I could be more helpful. 

[inamoto]

Building a reliable social circle would be necessary unless u are one who can survive alone (no need to talk to people, no need to have social life etc). As u age, ur straight friends will drift as they get married and have kids etc or your social circle will shrink as we age.

Finding friends and partner requires us to take some calculated risk as there can be wrong choices in both categories.

U have to start by taking baby steps, not necessarily coming out of closet. Without a partner, financial stability, personally i dont see a need to out ur self unless u are being confronted with the qn.

[Alex89]

Don't let fear keep you from making contact with others

[Guest Try and see]

5 hours ago, Alex89 said:

Don't let fear keep you from making contact with others

 

Reminds me of that well-known baseball quote:

 

[sum1outhere_03]

I hope I don't get wacked for saying this but I am never out of the closet although one of my close girl- friends suspects I am lol.

 

And I think it's okay, although it's more challenging (in my opinion) that being still in closet possibly means I'm not able to seek out friends from this circle "openly", which I guess I'm fine.

My circle of work colleagues and friends are straight dudes and ladies.

 

For me personally,  I don't purposely seek friends from the LGBT circle (I guess it could be my physique which is not highly demanded in the market lol. Perhaps also, my age plays a diff - I'm 10 years older than u lol), and sometimes the more I purposefully seek them, the more I couldn't seem to look for one.

 

With my current age, I come to notice that finding something I wished I could do earlier (e.g. learning a new skill, or bulking up physically) do bring some kind of satisfaction as well, and literally takes a fair bit of my time especially during this CB period when we can't do anything physical.

 

Also not forgetting, please learn to do some form of investment while you're still young, even if it's investing in a small amt for the little interest. <-- I learned this slightly late 😕

 

I guess if you're daring enough, go seek for places where it's easier to meet the LGBT community. Volunteering can be one good place to start if you're not into religious groups.

 

Hope this helps

 

[SgorSB]

Something or someone considered not normal in society today may not be ABNORMAL altogether. Be truth to yourself in all your own undertakings at least. Up hold your own dignity. No one will ever look down on you. 

[JT1977]

On 5/21/2020 at 7:26 PM, Guest Winston Wang said:

I am turning 25 years old in a few months time and I have never been in a relationship before... let alone have sex.  I find it so odd to be a virgin at 25 years old.

 

Every now and then, I have the urge to come out as gay to my family and friends but I am afraid that they can't accept it. Especially my family, I am raised in a very traditional family and if my parents were to know I am gay, it is highly that they will commit suicide.

 

But in recent months, this loneliness seems to be overtaking me... I really wish to date someone or experience sex, or just make gay friends. I wanted to start using Grindr, Jack'd etc but I am scared that people who know me might come across my profile as Singapore is so small...has anyone been forced to come out or exposed through using dating app?

 

Please share your stories or advice! Thank you.

 Hey bro , take things one step at a time . It is ok to remain in closet until you are more comfortable . I’m currently already 43 age young , but I Still choose to remain closeted . 
I was at your age when I start to see the need to get to know more friends in this social circle . That’s when all your straight friends start to get attached and move on with family life . 
start with chatting on social media and if you click , meet over coffee / meal or even play sports ,  with no strings attached . There will be some trial and error , hurt feelings along the way , but that’s all part of life learning cycle . 

Once you’ve found the right one , that’s when you start considering on the other aspects .. sex etc .

just sex alone will not cure your loneliness . 
 

just my 2 cents worth .
Ive been  with my life partner for 12 years and going strong

 

 

[Latte]

There's no need to come out now to your family & current circle of friends. U can build a separate circle of new gay friends for a start and get comfortable with your gay self. 

 

As for exchanging pics on gay apps, always do "pic after you" if you are worried it might be somebody you know 

 

Tip: Join a gym. There are lots of gays there. U can get to know them as friends and get to know other gays through them

Edited October 19, 2020 by Latte

[fab]

On 5/21/2020 at 7:26 PM, Guest Winston Wang said:

I am turning 25 years old in a few months time and I have never been in a relationship before... let alone have sex.  I find it so odd to be a virgin at 25 years old.

 

Every now and then, I have the urge to come out as gay to my family and friends but I am afraid that they can't accept it. Especially my family, I am raised in a very traditional family and if my parents were to know I am gay, it is highly that they will commit suicide.

 

But in recent months, this loneliness seems to be overtaking me... I really wish to date someone or experience sex, or just make gay friends. I wanted to start using Grindr, Jack'd etc but I am scared that people who know me might come across my profile as Singapore is so small...has anyone been forced to come out or exposed through using dating app?

 

Please share your stories or advice! Thank you.

 

[Guest Cautious]

You need to be careful about who you choose to associate with. Just because someone is gay, doesn't mean y'all are compatible as acquaintances/friends/lovers. Does a straight person associate with any other straight people just because they have the same sexuality? Of course not; doesn't that sound silly?

 

Remember the only thing common among all gay men is that they are gay. Different individuals have different philosophies. Life and people are nuanced; things are not always black-and-white. You need to know who you are otherwise you could lose yourself; it can be a harsh place out there. 

 

And there's nothing wrong with being a virgin still at 25. It's not a race. If the people around you make fun of you for it then it just shows their character and you should probably reevaluate your social life. 

[Looking123]

41 minutes ago, Guest Cautious said:

You need to be careful about who you choose to associate with. Just because someone is gay, doesn't mean y'all are compatible as acquaintances/friends/lovers. Does a straight person associate with any other straight people just because they have the same sexuality? Of course not; doesn't that sound silly?

 

Remember the only thing common among all gay men is that they are gay. Different individuals have different philosophies. Life and people are nuanced; things are not always black-and-white. You need to know who you are otherwise you could lose yourself; it can be a harsh place out there. 

 

And there's nothing wrong with being a virgin still at 25. It's not a race. If the people around you make fun of you for it then it just shows their character and you should probably reevaluate your social life. 

 

Well said.

[auscent]

Is there an explanation to surge in loneliness?

Take lil' steps to widen ur emotional strength + self confidence. Having sex + partner may not be a long term solution to well being if self care is neglected.

[angel_dust]

Why even the need to out yourself ? You can stay in the closet and still make lots of gay friends. i have hundreds of gay friends yet none of my straight friends know what i am. Same goes for losing your virginity. You do it when you feel like it.

[GachiMuchi]

On 5/21/2020 at 7:26 PM, Guest Winston Wang said:

I am turning 25 years old in a few months time and I have never been in a relationship before... let alone have sex.  I find it so odd to be a virgin at 25 years old.

 

Every now and then, I have the urge to come out as gay to my family and friends but I am afraid that they can't accept it. Especially my family, I am raised in a very traditional family and if my parents were to know I am gay, it is highly that they will commit suicide.

 

But in recent months, this loneliness seems to be overtaking me... I really wish to date someone or experience sex, or just make gay friends. I wanted to start using Grindr, Jack'd etc but I am scared that people who know me might come across my profile as Singapore is so small...has anyone been forced to come out or exposed through using dating app?

 

Please share your stories or advice! Thank you.

 

You need to clear about something.

1.  It's not a race for anyone turning 25 to lose their virginity.

2. There is no need for you to come out just because you are turning 25.

3. You must give credit to your parents, they are not that fragile and both will jump to their death just because you are gay. I doubt their life revolves around you. I am sure they will feel sad but I doubt they will be so drama and commit suicide and leave everything behind.

4. Why are you lonely. Is it because of your character or because of the environment does not allow you to have friends? Are you being chained to your home that you can't go out? I doubt so, it is your own fear, what I read from your post is your fear. Fear of your own gayness, Fear of being recognised as a gay. Fear of getting rejected. Fear of the unknown, etc. It's all boils down to your fears.

5. You don't need to know other's stories, because everyone's stories are different, even their fear and yours will be different.

 

No one can force you out of your own shell. Not even your parents. You need just to acknowledge that your fear is real and you need to find ways to tackle each and every one of your fears and learn that you can overcome your fears, one by one. 

Only then will you be able to embrace who you are, otherwise, your fear will keep you from finding your love and living the life you want.

 

[FattChoy]

2 hours ago, GachiMuchi said:

 

4. Why are you lonely. Is it because of your character or because of the environment does not allow you to have friends? Are you being chained to your home that you can't go out? I doubt so, it is your own fear, what I read from your post is your fear. Fear of your own gayness, Fear of being recognised as a gay. Fear of getting rejected. Fear of the unknown, etc. It's all boils down to your fears.

> To the TS, you can still use Grindr and Jackd without risking being out.  Besides, only 5% of people in Grindr and Jackd are really quality people.  Make sure you know them adequately before sharing your key info about yourself 

 

5. You don't need to know other's stories, because everyone's stories are different, even their fear and yours will be different.

>  Of course he needs to know.  He don't want to learn the hard way.

 

Only then will you be able to embrace who you are, otherwise, your fear will keep you from finding your love and living the life you want.

> That's not a fact.  I'm sure many people still find their love and live the life they want, even if they have this fear.  

[dex7]

I faced similar experiences as you for sure. 
 

But I did come out to a few close friends of mine and they’re extremely fine and happy for me. I guess it always depends on you. Take your own pace and don’t be hard on yourself.

 

For dating apps, I normally went on a blank profile mode because fear of the same things. But for Tinder, well, you could give an excuse how Tinder is open for all genders and there may be some bugs. You could just create an account with a blank dp on apps like Grindr or Jack’d and look around. If you are interested in any profiles, you could always send them a disappearing photo (Grindr and Jack’d have this feature but Grindr allows you 3 tries for a day)

 

I hope things go well for you. I am always here if you need any help!

[VitaminA]

Oh... now then I learn about this disappearing photo feature in Grindr & Jack'd. 😁

[arkley]

On 10/19/2020 at 8:57 PM, Guest Cautious said:

You need to be careful about who you choose to associate with. Just because someone is gay, doesn't mean y'all are compatible as acquaintances/friends/lovers. Does a straight person associate with any other straight people just because they have the same sexuality? Of course not; doesn't that sound silly?

 

Remember the only thing common among all gay men is that they are gay. Different individuals have different philosophies. Life and people are nuanced; things are not always black-and-white. You need to know who you are otherwise you could lose yourself; it can be a harsh place out there. 

 

And there's nothing wrong with being a virgin still at 25. It's not a race. If the people around you make fun of you for it then it just shows their character and you should probably reevaluate your social life. 

I really like your opinion. it's realistic and true. it is such a good life advice. 

[lohwpr]

Let's assume you come out to the world, are you sure you will not still be alone?

 

My point is do not correlate your loneliness with you coming out or not. 

 

Go make friends and all even u decide not to come out. 

BTW, there is a high probability that people around you already know you are gay, your parents included. They just choose to keep quiet. 

[Blogger Adam]

On 5/21/2020 at 7:26 PM, Guest Winston Wang said:

I am turning 25 years old in a few months time and I have never been in a relationship before... let alone have sex.  I find it so odd to be a virgin at 25 years old.

 

Every now and then, I have the urge to come out as gay to my family and friends but I am afraid that they can't accept it. Especially my family, I am raised in a very traditional family and if my parents were to know I am gay, it is highly that they will commit suicide.

 

But in recent months, this loneliness seems to be overtaking me... I really wish to date someone or experience sex, or just make gay friends. I wanted to start using Grindr, Jack'd etc but I am scared that people who know me might come across my profile as Singapore is so small...has anyone been forced to come out or exposed through using dating app?

 

Please share your stories or advice! Thank you.

 

There are two main types of closets.

 

The ones that are fortified with so many locks that no matter how much you try, you can almost never pry it open.

 

And then there are those that have so many locks that no matter how much you try, you can almost never pry it open -- except this closet is made of glass and the poor fella hiding inside has no idea he's in full view of everyone and pigeon that passes by.

 

Never mind which closet we are in.

 

Or whether we've stepped out of it already.

 

The initial reasons that drive us into this invisible cage are as important as the factors that would eventually free us.

 

I grew up in a family where I have two successful sisters with good grades and was thus expected to fill their big shoes --  not their fancy high heels.

 

There was no room to explore my sexuality.

 

Though I eventually had a younger brother, I was the first boy of the family -- and my parents wasted no time in shaping me to be a boy, just as all parenting textbooks would recommend.

 

No piano lessons, no ballet classes for the first penis of the Lee family. He is to learn to ride a bike, swim, play sports, pick up martial arts. There is no such thing as wearing Cheche's cute tutu and prancing around with them.

 

I learnt from a young age that there are girl activities and boy activities, and girl toys and boy toys (though as I grew up, I learnt that those activities and toys have a much wider and more fun definition, but let's not go there).

 

And because I was in such an environment, I learnt to withhold my tendencies so that I won't stick out like a sore thumb and risk being frowned upon.

 

Eventually, I started building invisible blocks around me like a good cloistered nun. Retreat into your safe space and wear all the tutus and high heels you want there. 

 

It became even harder for me to step out of my safe space when I was a teenager -- having witnessed how softer boys in school are being teased. I subconsciously added one more padlock to my closet. 

 

The more I blended in with other boys, the more I felt I was doing the right thing and by the time I was ready to go to NS, my closet was a fort capable of holding Singapore's reserves and the gold bars of OCBC.

 

Which was a good thing given that I was drafted into one of the most macho, egoistic units in NS.

 

That was when I got to know the homophobic Stanley -- one of the fittest and smartest but a complete asshole because he would make snide remarks at our weaker unit mates and suggest that even a chao ah gua can do better.

 

It's people like Stanley Ong who made me add one more lock to my -- oh, wait, never mind. There's no more space for any more locks in my closet already.

 

At 18, 19, all that mattered to me was to get NS over and done with, and keep my head down and not stick out like a sore thumb, so let's just smile along at any gay remarks.

 

But I was also at an age where my hormones were bubbling beyond all recommended levels.

 

Yes. By day, I live like Anne Frank in my hideout. But by night, I sneak out to get a taste of my forbidden gay life.

 

A life where nobody cares if I'm dancing in Cheche's tutu or wearing their high heels. A life where I fully embrace boy activities and boy toys the way they're meant to be enjoyed.

 

And I was glad I allowed myself to slip out of my Rapunzel tower once in a while to let my hair down because I managed to make a few good gay friends whom I could confide in and feel normal with from time to time.

 

And it was one of those nights when I was letting my hair down with my close group of gay friends at the now-defunct Niche club that sort of changed my life a bit.

 

I was with Carl, one of the nicest and non judgemental gay friends and I distinctly remember we were dancing to Whitney Houston's It's Not Right But It's Okay (thunderpuss version) when I felt someone tapping me on my shoulder.

 

It was as if the Boogeyman was knocking creepily on my closet.

 

I turned slowly the way I would cautiously open my closet door. 

 

And there he was. The homophobic Stanley Ong.

 

That night, the macho-grunting Stanley took a hammer and smashed his invisible fort in front of me, breaking down all bricks and barriers.

 

That was the last time I remember Stanley Ong my sex bunny friend being this macho.

 

Our friendship -- me, Stanley and Carl -- blossomed that night. We were likeminded and had found support from one another.

 

While we were comfortable with our sexualities then, we still weren't ready to burst on the stage and embark on a gay world tour.

 

We merely placed our closets side by side like how we'd put mattresses together in girly sleepovers, and lived our day and night lives -- except this time, we had full support.

 

But things changed when I turned 30.

 

One of my close friends' younger brother died and going to his wake was an awakening experience.

 

It got me thinking about how precious life is, and there's no telling when you would die.

 

If I died tomorrow, would I have regrets?

 

Two weeks later, I decided to heck it. Life is too short to continue living a lie and so, I decided to come out to my siblings whom I love to bits.

 

My brother responded by saying "duh" but added quickly "I still love you, Kor."

 

My second sis was more dramatic.

 

Telling me she loves me was not enough. She had to hear all about my love life.

 

It was liberating. Stepping out as a gay men and having my siblings -- who are technically my first friends (and enemies) love me for who I am.

 

Progressively, I came out to more and more people in my life who I regard as important.

 

Each time I came out to them, I was rewarded and comforted by their acceptance and love -- after all, these people are my most important groups in life.

 

Eventually, I amassed enough confidence and people in my life to make me feel that I am still the very person they have known.

 

Now that I'm in my forties -- and am in a very stable relationship with my partner J for the last 20 years -- I no longer feel trapped in my own closet that I had built for myself. 

 

I'm still who I am, and perhaps, I still do return to my closet every once in a while when I feel that I need to be guarded. But it's no longer difficult to walk out of it when I need -- or want -- to.

 

It helps too, that my partner, who is a classic good Catholic boy, is also out to his very forward-thinking family. And I'm talking about not just his immediate but also his extended family.

 

Stanley my sex bunny friend would often quip that with J in my life, this is the only time I can say that I have a good Catholic boy in me.

 

So this is my story of me and my closet.

 

It's 40-over years in the making and I am still learning.

 

But one thing is for sure.

 

In the words of my sex bunny friend Stanley Ong, life is too short to be cooped up in a closet.

 

"Hunny, there are so many cute gay men out there that we not only need an exit strategy, we need to formulate an entrance strategy."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 5, 2020 by Blogger Adam
grammar

[Guest Guest]

On 5/21/2020 at 7:26 PM, Guest Winston Wang said:

I am turning 25 years old in a few months time and I have never been in a relationship before... let alone have sex.  I find it so odd to be a virgin at 25 years old.

 

Every now and then, I have the urge to come out as gay to my family and friends but I am afraid that they can't accept it. Especially my family, I am raised in a very traditional family and if my parents were to know I am gay, it is highly that they will commit suicide.

 

But in recent months, this loneliness seems to be overtaking me... I really wish to date someone or experience sex, or just make gay friends. I wanted to start using Grindr, Jack'd etc but I am scared that people who know me might come across my profile as Singapore is so small...has anyone been forced to come out or exposed through using dating app?

 

Please share your stories or advice! Thank you.

please note gay sex is illegal! 377a!

[Looking123]

Had another failed "opportunity". Sigh... it seems to get "easier" though.

 

Making mistakes and not controlling my emotions well.

 

20+ years late into this whole relationship thingy isn't helping me make the best of whatever few opportunities are left.

Edited December 6, 2020 by Looking123

[Librium]

On 5/21/2020 at 7:26 PM, Guest Winston Wang said:

I am turning 25 years old in a few months time and I have never been in a relationship before... let alone have sex.  I find it so odd to be a virgin at 25 years old.

 

Every now and then, I have the urge to come out as gay to my family and friends but I am afraid that they can't accept it. Especially my family, I am raised in a very traditional family and if my parents were to know I am gay, it is highly that they will commit suicide.

 

But in recent months, this loneliness seems to be overtaking me... I really wish to date someone or experience sex, or just make gay friends. I wanted to start using Grindr, Jack'd etc but I am scared that people who know me might come across my profile as Singapore is so small...has anyone been forced to come out or exposed through using dating app?

 

Please share your stories or advice! Thank you.

Exactly same situation. Never dare to go beyond than chatting. Whatever life throws on you, no choice but to accept it