Emotionally attached vs sexually attracted

[Guest confused]

hi, just wanna some opinion here. i'm a closeted... ok i dont even know how to label myself. since young i have been sexually attracted to guys. i watch gay porn and fantasise over the cute boys that i see, and i do not have any sexual desire over girls. when i imagine myself having sex with girls i just feel a little disgusted. but the thing is, i feel i can never be emotionally attached to guys. i don't think i can ever be in love with guys and settle down with them for some reason. on the other hand, i have love interests and they are all girls. i wanna woo them but at the same time im very confused over my sexuality. if i get together with the girl i like i dont think i will ever be able to satisfy her sexually. i'm just curious i dont know whats going on help.

[GachiMuchi]

35 minutes ago, Guest confused said:

hi, just wanna some opinion here. i'm a closeted... ok i dont even know how to label myself. since young i have been sexually attracted to guys. i watch gay porn and fantasise over the cute boys that i see, and i do not have any sexual desire over girls. when i imagine myself having sex with girls i just feel a little disgusted. but the thing is, i feel i can never be emotionally attached to guys. i don't think i can ever be in love with guys and settle down with them for some reason. on the other hand, i have love interests and they are all girls. i wanna woo them but at the same time im very confused over my sexuality. if i get together with the girl i like i dont think i will ever be able to satisfy her sexually. i'm just curious i dont know whats going on help.

 

That certainly suck. Girl you can emotional like and commit but cannot have sex because you feel disgusted. Men you sexually attracted but not emotionally attached to have a relationship. BUT....had you had sex with women and or men before or not?

 

1. how old are you? are you even of a legal age?

2. if you had not tried with men or women how you know you like or disgusted?

3. Go and try it with both. Then tell us how you feel because now you are only paper talk and not action.

[Guest confused]

16 minutes ago, GachiMuchi said:

 

That certainly suck. Girl you can emotional like and commit but cannot have sex because you feel disgusted. Men you sexually attracted but not emotionally attached to have a relationship. BUT....had you had sex with women and or men before or not?

 

1. how old are you? are you even of a legal age?

2. if you had not tried with men or women how you know you like or disgusted?

3. Go and try it with both. Then tell us how you feel because now you are only paper talk and not action.

 

1. hahah im in my 20s.

2. i don't know but everytime i watch straight porn i will always avoid looking at the girl, whenever i see closeups of the girl bits, i will close the video immediately cos i cannot continue watching. i don't feel sexually excited at all. i cant imagine having to do it in real life and then there's no feeling. as for men, whenever i see eye candies, especially when they are just shirtless, i will have the sexual urge. i know there's a huge difference between how i see men and ladies sexually. i can feel it. i dont think i even need to try. 

[cutejack]

8 minutes ago, Guest confused said:

 

1. hahah im in my 20s.

2. i don't know but everytime i watch straight porn i will always avoid looking at the girl, whenever i see closeups of the girl bits, i will close the video immediately cos i cannot continue watching. i don't feel sexually excited at all. i cant imagine having to do it in real life and then there's no feeling. as for men, whenever i see eye candies, especially when they are just shirtless, i will have the sexual urge. i know there's a huge difference between how i see men and ladies sexually. i can feel it. i dont think i even need to try. 

I know oredi. Probably u will be fucking guys for ages till u get old with out falling in love. Many of us are doing that here. Don't worry or think too much. Welcome to the club!

Edited April 11, 2021 by cutejack

[Guest kaypoh]

1 hour ago, Guest confused said:

hi, just wanna some opinion here. i'm a closeted... ok i dont even know how to label myself. since young i have been sexually attracted to guys. i watch gay porn and fantasise over the cute boys that i see, and i do not have any sexual desire over girls. when i imagine myself having sex with girls i just feel a little disgusted. but the thing is, i feel i can never be emotionally attached to guys. i don't think i can ever be in love with guys and settle down with them for some reason. on the other hand, i have love interests and they are all girls. i wanna woo them but at the same time im very confused over my sexuality. if i get together with the girl i like i dont think i will ever be able to satisfy her sexually. i'm just curious i dont know whats going on help.

 

Don't worry, you are probably just a bit slow in accepting your gayness.

In my early teens I was definitely aware of desire for men, but I still had thoughts of girls, getting married.

Gradually as I understood and accepted my orientation, girls totally disappeared from my thoughts.

 

[Guest shyboy]

1 hour ago, Guest kaypoh said:

 

Don't worry, you are probably just a bit slow in accepting your gayness.

In my early teens I was definitely aware of desire for men, but I still had thoughts of girls, getting married.

Gradually as I understood and accepted my orientation, girls totally disappeared from my thoughts.

 

 

really? I'm not sure tho. it has already been like this for years and i dk what to do with it. im just really confused. it's only recently that i realised that i can have sexual feelings for guys but i don't have emotional attachment with them. they're just like, sex toys to me. so either i go for guys or girls, it's unfair for both sides cos i cannot satisfy them on both ways. i'm so torn.

[bhyx]

Maybe you need to change your mindset.

If you are seeking just sex, it's readily available everywhere. Sex first always does not lead to anything more. 

If you are seeking emotional attachment, then the first thing you think of shouldn't be sex. 

Perhaps you can try to meet people with the intention of not having sex and see how it goes

[Guest Confused Indeed]

The problem is not about which attracts you most. 

 

The problem lies with your inability to accept with what you want to be.  Right now, your mind cannot fully accept what is right for you.  You are living on the values of the people outside you - could be your family, friends and religion.  You are afraid to fail them and it is bugging your conscience.  They could have passed some bad remarks, about LGBT, that made you live with your confusion right now.

 

Obviously you are trying to fix things so that you will not disappoint the people whom you have grown with.  Sadly, this is done at your own personal expense and you are willing to sacrifice on your happiness.

 

It is okay to be closeted and not wanting to label yourself.  But to run away from your own truth will not make you happy.  Start to think for yourself.  Go and experience life before making any conclusion on what it should be.

 

Wishing you well.

 

 

[GachiMuchi]

9 hours ago, Guest confused said:

1. hahah im in my 20s.

2. i don't know but everytime i watch straight porn i will always avoid looking at the girl, whenever i see closeups of the girl bits, i will close the video immediately cos i cannot continue watching. i don't feel sexually excited at all. i cant imagine having to do it in real life and then there's no feeling. as for men, whenever i see eye candies, especially when they are just shirtless, i will have the sexual urge. i know there's a huge difference between how i see men and ladies sexually. i can feel it. i dont think i even need to try. 

 

1. OK, 20s virgin boy.
2. I was like you. When I was in my teens with access to porn, I also only look at the men fucking the girls. I never like watching lesbian sex. But I was better than you, I don't find women disgusting. After having many years of having my dick sucked by men and fucking many men, finally, at 27, I decided to try paying to have sex with a prostitute. I didn't enjoy her sucking skill on my dick, gays are better dick suckers. I still got hard, I put on a condom and tried to fuck her, maybe due to the alcohol or that I was not really turned on by her, I did not managed to fuck her and half way through, my dick went soft. And that was that. Then I realised that I really have no feeling or the urge to want to fuck a women. So, you see, if you have not tried, you won't know why you don't like.

I never had any problem with men. If I come across guys that really turns me on, I can fuck them the whole night for many rounds and still never get tired. My dick only go soft when my bullets are all spent.

3. Seriously, you need to get your sex live going and explore your sexuality before you can even say, what you like or don't like, otherwise, only cheap talk and fantasies.

4. Practice on how to put on a condom for a start because, safe sex is a must and many youngster never practice how to put on or learn how to use a condom and never thought about safe sex, especially for those virgin boys. If you are lucky you get those responsible sex buddies, if not lucky, you kenna 4D or Big Sweep and then destroy your whole life and have to take medicine for the rest of your life.

 

May I suggest you get the best of both world. Get a transsexual that has the anatomy of a men (with a dick, pre op) but yet has boobs and looks female. It would solve your problem with getting disgusted with the "abalone". I hope the suggestion would help you solve your problem.

 

[Guest Pathfinder]

Detach your physical feeling from the emotional and be objective. Your disgust might be attributed to unfamiliarity. Years of living on gay porn and fantasy would further contribute to the unfamiliarity.

 

What does sex mean to you?

What does love mean to you?

What is your intention for sex – for your own gratification or for making your deep commitment and communication?

 

I cannot give you an answer, none of us can. Not even counsellors can give you answer. You have to search for the answers yourself.

 

If sex is of great importance to you, do not anyhow try sex if you do not even understand it well enough. Trying something you cannot grasp will only make it worst – be it sex with guys or girls.
 

If you want excellent advice, I can give you two:

 

1) go look for the psychologically/ medically experienced and trained ones – for example, sex therapist. You are only likely to get the same family of answers here, which are unlikely to be from the psychologically/ medically trained personnel. 

 

2) Therefore, take most of the advices here with a grain of salt – skeptism and not interpret them literally.

[Guest Pathfinder]

4 minutes ago, Guest Pathfinder said:

Detach your physical feeling from the emotional and be objective. Your disgust might be attributed to unfamiliarity. Years of living on gay porn and fantasy would further contribute to the unfamiliarity.

 

What does sex mean to you?

What does love mean to you?

What is your intention for sex – for your own gratification or for making your deep commitment and communication?

 

I cannot give you an answer, none of us can. Not even counsellors can give you answer. You have to search for the answers yourself.

 

If sex is of great importance to you, do not anyhow try sex if you do not even understand it well enough. Trying something you cannot grasp will only make it worst – be it sex with guys or girls.
 

If you want excellent advice, I can give you two:

 

1) go look for the psychologically/ medically experienced and trained ones – for example, sex therapist. You are only likely to get the same family of answers here, which are unlikely to be from the psychologically/ medically trained personnel. 

 

2) Therefore, take most of the advices here with a grain of salt – skeptism and not interpret them literally.

 

You do not have to label yourself. There is no gayness to accept as well. You are who you are now, you do not have to accept or decline yourself.

 

Experience of others can be a boon or bane, you have to forge your own path.

 

You say you are sexually attracted to guys from long ago, but at that age how much would you understand the full extent of sex and its pleasure.

 

Now at this age, how much do you truly understand sex given the hypersexualised culture we live in today.

 

Do you understand sex well enough to even consider a label for yourself? Labels are just part of an ideology belief.

 

Is your understanding of sex and its pleasure derived from what porn and the media? If it is, then you have failed to truly understand sex.

[Guest Pathfinder]

8 minutes ago, Guest Test post said:

Test. I typed a long reply but not showing

my posts showed. I believe I had some words that did not make it through the filtering.

[Guest Pathfinder]

15 minutes ago, GachiMuchi said:

 

1. OK, 20s virgin boy.
2. I was like you. When I was in my teens with access to porn, I also only look at the men fucking the girls. I never like watching lesbian sex. But I was better than you, I don't find women disgusting. After having many years of having my dick sucked by men and fucking many men, finally, at 27, I decided to try paying to have sex with a prostitute. I didn't enjoy her sucking skill on my dick, gays are better dick suckers. I still got hard, I put on a condom and tried to fuck her, maybe due to the alcohol or that I was not really turned on by her, I did not managed to fuck her and half way through, my dick went soft. And that was that. Then I realised that I really have no feeling or the urge to want to fuck a women. So, you see, if you have not tried, you won't know why you don't like.

I never had any problem with men. If I come across guys that really turns me on, I can fuck them the whole night for many rounds and still never get tired. My dick only go soft when my bullets are all spent.

3. Seriously, you need to get your sex live going and explore your sexuality before you can even say, what you like or don't like, otherwise, only cheap talk and fantasies.

4. Practice on how to put on a condom for a start because, safe sex is a must and many youngster never practice how to put on or learn how to use a condom and never thought about safe sex, especially for those virgin boys. If you are lucky you get those responsible sex buddies, if not lucky, you kenna 4D or Big Sweep and then destroy your whole life and have to take medicine for the rest of your life.

 

May I suggest you get the best of both world. Get a transsexual that has the anatomy of a men (with a dick, pre op) but yet has boobs and looks female. It would solve your problem with getting disgusted with the "abalone". I hope the suggestion would help you solve your problem.

 

what a crap piece of advice. Making sex so cheap.

[Guest Pathfinder]

1 minute ago, Guest Pathfinder said:

what a crap piece of advice. Making sex so cheap.

nothing personal against you GachiMuchi. Just find your advice to someone who is in need, not really appropriate. 
 

I am sure we can agree to disagree. Cheers!

[mate69]

9 hours ago, cutejack said:

I know oredi. Probably u will be fucking guys for ages till u get old with out falling in love. Many of us are doing that here. Don't worry or think too much. Welcome to the club!

 

Very very true

Edited April 11, 2021 by mate69

[Guest Pathfinder]

Hi TS, was looking at other similar threads. Surprisingly a few very well-thought out comments and advise but most others comments are the same convert you to gay and you must be closeted gay kind of cheap advices that should be taken lightly. Will post the links below.

 

One comment I found which advises against the severely flawed and theory of trying stood out. Make a strong imagination in your mind, if it is your mother or sister, would you want them to be tried and exploited by random guys for sex and sexual experimentation? The concept of trying is wrong at so many level. It is a concept that is so self-centered and self-entitled.

 

TS, instead of focusing only on the element of the girls, in the past have you ever tried having physical penetrative sex with guys? If you did try, do you feel the emotional wholeness of the pleasure and deep sense of communication/ commitment and love with the person?

 

Physical disgust can be overcome, but if there is an emotional void to be filled, while both are difficult, the latter has more widespread consideration on you as a person.

 

 

[Guest Pathfinder]

 

[Guest Pathfinder]

TS, my two cents is that your doubts and questions of your sexuality acts up only when you keep thinking about your insecurities about the physical sexual part of doing with the girls you want to woo. 
 

If you have already had your sexuality well thought out beforehand and it only acts up by certain trigger points. Then just deal with those trigger points and don’t allow them and your insecurity to set you off course.

[Guest Lancelot]

You reap what you sow, who ask you to watch gay porn and fantasise about guys since young. You brought it upon yourself by choice because you did not have the ability to weigh your consequences as a child.

 

What you can do now is to chop this full grown tree, uproot it, and sow new seeds.

[PlayersGroup]

If I am you, here's how I approach it:

 

1. Be yourself and feel ok about it.

2. Accept that u r turned on by gay sex

3. Accept that u want to bond emotionally with girls

 

4. Basically, start where you honestly are at. No amount of advice from anonymous profiles can give u what u urself know for a fact. And don't give a fuck about labels by ppl who don't know dont care and don't understand you.

 

5. While u learn to accept urself and feel safe in your own skin, go explore and find out what you actually like. I'm with Gachi Mochi on this one. You need actual experience to know what what is factual. Rationalising about things, especially when it comes to sexual or emotional matters, can only bring you so far, and no further. 

 

6. Just don't lie, don't cheat, not to other people, not to urself. And stay safe don't do unsafe sex. Sex is not cheapened when you try, it need not be exploitary, it can be mutual exploration, respectful and very intimately done.

 

Edited April 12, 2021 by PlayersGroup

[Guest Forbidden love]

I have a different experience. 

I grow up in all boys school. 

Only child. 

No female contact.

For some reason I keep having feeling for my male friends. 

I didn't know about gay back then. 

There is no gay love story on TV. 

No Internet. 

Only that gay is a taboo. 

Something nobody talked about openly. 

 

I keep falling for my friends. 

Developed loving feeling. 

And I know its wrong. 

It feels wrong. 

 

It's only after I grow up and be educated I seek to find out what am I. 

I discovered gay literature. 

And slowly gay porn etc. 

 

I still have this problem. I fall for guys very easily. 

I also find them sexually attractive. 

 

My problem is.... I don't know what is their sexuality. 

I tried ltr in gay circle but it feels so transactional. 

Two people coming on forum looking for ltr. 

 

I need to fall in love. 

I need to be with someone and slowly develop feeling for him. 

 

I can't make a date with someone I dunno and try to get to know each other. 

Maybe that's why I'm single. 

For some reason gay guys are not attractive to me. 

It's almost like.. 

I long for guys I can't have. 

 

Go watch more gay romance movie. 

Or watch gay couple YouTuber.

 

 

[Guest Fabulous?]

4 hours ago, Guest Forbidden love said:

I have a different experience. 

I grow up in all boys school. 

Only child. 

No female contact.

For some reason I keep having feeling for my male friends. 

I didn't know about gay back then. 

There is no gay love story on TV. 

No Internet. 

Only that gay is a taboo. 

Something nobody talked about openly. 

 

I keep falling for my friends. 

Developed loving feeling. 

And I know its wrong. 

It feels wrong. 

 

It's only after I grow up and be educated I seek to find out what am I. 

I discovered gay literature. 

And slowly gay porn etc. 

 

I still have this problem. I fall for guys very easily. 

I also find them sexually attractive. 

 

My problem is.... I don't know what is their sexuality. 

I tried ltr in gay circle but it feels so transactional. 

Two people coming on forum looking for ltr. 

 

I need to fall in love. 

I need to be with someone and slowly develop feeling for him. 

 

I can't make a date with someone I dunno and try to get to know each other. 

Maybe that's why I'm single. 

For some reason gay guys are not attractive to me. 

It's almost like.. 

I long for guys I can't have. 

 

Go watch more gay romance movie. 

Or watch gay couple YouTuber.

 

 

how does watching more gay romance or gay couple show helps except to add to the fantasy

[Guest Fabulous?]

4 hours ago, PlayersGroup said:

If I am you, here's how I approach it:

 

1. Be yourself and feel ok about it.

2. Accept that u r turned on by gay sex

3. Accept that u want to bond emotionally with girls

 

4. Basically, start where you honestly are at. No amount of advice from anonymous profiles can give u what u urself know for a fact. And don't give a fuck about labels by ppl who don't know dont care and don't understand you.

 

5. While u learn to accept urself and feel safe in your own skin, go explore and find out what you actually like. I'm with Gachi Mochi on this one. You need actual experience to know what what is factual. Rationalising about things, especially when it comes to sexual or emotional matters, can only bring you so far, and no further. 

 

6. Just don't lie, don't cheat, not to other people, not to urself. And stay safe don't do unsafe sex. Sex is not cheapened when you try, it need not be exploitary, it can be mutual exploration, respectful and very intimately done.

 

1. Agree with PlayersGroup

 

2. If TS can’t feel emotional attachment with guy, then the sex is not complete but just brutal selfish carnality.

 

3. Condition and adapt your physical inclination to match your emotional desires

 

4. Agree with PlayersGroup. Seek help from people qualified as friends or trained medical doctors or therapists in this area. Labels are created by those who try to give their behaviour legitimacy.

 

5. totally disagree. Physical carnal pleasure will influence your mind and may lead to addiction like drugs. Proven scientifically. 

6. totally disagree as well. Contradictory to say it can be intimately done when there isn’t emotional bonding before the sexual act.

 

[Guest Real love]

23 minutes ago, Guest Fabulous? said:

how does watching more gay romance or gay couple show helps except to add to the fantasy

Then he can fantasise and see that gay love exists. And not just think of guys as sex object 

[Guest Prestige]

The scientific explanation for disgust is often overlook. 
 

Disgust happens when our mind and secondary senses render an object we sensed as offensive psychologically. Senses refers to the 5 human senses.
 

Humans need to feel certain, we are ingrained to have a known outcome, have an understanding of what to expect. 

 

The wariness and fear of not knowing what to expect - something inconsistent and unfamiliar to us causes the offensive feeling because our brain isn’t able to determine if we will like that.

Feelings of disgust are framed by our perception of the object and it is something we have control over, albeit not upfront and depends largely on the person’s personality – a person who is prone to anxiety may tend to feel disgust more often than an average person does. It is important to remember that feeling disgust is a natural defence mechanism that can be neutralised and combated. We must seek to understand what triggers our disgust, when to heed the warning, and when to push past it. Disgust as a deeper held emotion/ feeling limits our ability to think and act objectively.

 

You need to see beyond your disgust reflex if you want to be able to find your answers.

Like having an acquired taste, with time and openness, we can come to appreciate, adopt, and even value things that once repulsed us. The key to overcoming disgust is not to judge yourself for that feeling, but to realise that most disgust come from imagined feelings in hypothetical situations or a preconceived notion and mindset.

[Guest Prestige]

16 minutes ago, Guest Prestige said:

The scientific explanation for disgust is often overlook. 
 

Disgust happens when our mind and secondary senses render an object we sensed as offensive psychologically. Senses refers to the 5 human senses.
 

Humans need to feel certain, we are ingrained to have a known outcome, have an understanding of what to expect. 

 

The wariness and fear of not knowing what to expect - something inconsistent and unfamiliar to us causes the offensive feeling because our brain isn’t able to determine if we will like that.

Feelings of disgust are framed by our perception of the object and it is something we have control over, albeit not upfront and depends largely on the person’s personality – a person who is prone to anxiety may tend to feel disgust more often than an average person does. It is important to remember that feeling disgust is a natural defence mechanism that can be neutralised and combated. We must seek to understand what triggers our disgust, when to heed the warning, and when to push past it. Disgust as a deeper held emotion/ feeling limits our ability to think and act objectively.

 

You need to see beyond your disgust reflex if you want to be able to find your answers.

Like having an acquired taste, with time and openness, we can come to appreciate, adopt, and even value things that once repulsed us. The key to overcoming disgust is not to judge yourself for that feeling, but to realise that most disgust come from imagined feelings in hypothetical situations or a preconceived notion and mindset.

my comment is in response to the feelings of disgust mentioned by Guest confused in his post.

 

my comment is supported by science and research, do not take it with a grain of salt. ha ha thx

[PlayersGroup]

2 hours ago, Guest Fabulous? said:

2. If TS can’t feel emotional attachment with guy, then the sex is not complete but just brutal selfish carnality.

 

5. totally disagree. Physical carnal pleasure will influence your mind and may lead to addiction like drugs. Proven scientifically. 

6. totally disagree as well. Contradictory to say it can be intimately done when there isn’t emotional bonding before the sexual act.

 

 

2. No one is talking about brutality and selfishness here. You can have sex without both of these.

 

5. Everything you do will influence the mind. Does sex brings pleasure, can it become an addiction? Of cos. As can sugar, alcohol, smoking, bubble tea, religious zealotry. You don't have to be addicted to what is pleasurable. I think sex needs experience, not just rationalising.

 

6. I'm saying sex can be mutual exploration n respectful and done as an intimate experience, not exploitary.

 

You are talking about building intimacy before sex. Again, it's a different thing.

 

We have to talk about the same things before we disagree.

 

Edited April 12, 2021 by PlayersGroup

[Guest Can’t stand it]

6 minutes ago, PlayersGroup said:

 

2. No one is talking about being brutality and selfishness here. You can have sex without both of these.

 

5. Everything you do will influence the mind. Does sex brings pleasure, can it become an addiction? Of cos. As can sugar, alcohol, smoking, bubble tea, religious zealotry. You don't have to be addicted to what is pleasurable. I think sex needs experience, not just rationalising.

 

6. I'm saying sex can be mutual exploration n respectful and done as an intimate experience, not exploitary.

 

You are talking about building intimacy before sex. Again, it's a different thing.

playersgroup treat sex so lightly, can even do without intimacy. Really selfish.

[Guest Can’t stand it]

2 hours ago, Guest Fabulous? said:

1. Agree with PlayersGroup

 

2. If TS can’t feel emotional attachment with guy, then the sex is not complete but just brutal selfish carnality.

 

3. Condition and adapt your physical inclination to match your emotional desires

 

4. Agree with PlayersGroup. Seek help from people qualified as friends or trained medical doctors or therapists in this area. Labels are created by those who try to give their behaviour legitimacy.

 

5. totally disagree. Physical carnal pleasure will influence your mind and may lead to addiction like drugs. Proven scientifically. 

6. totally disagree as well. Contradictory to say it can be intimately done when there isn’t emotional bonding before the sexual act.

 

well said. Thumbs up for speaking up and standing up.

[Guest EDMW]

Poor chap, he is confused and yet there are some sly advices and suggestions that would entrap him more if he heeds those advices. Try sex... do you guys not read that he do not feel emotional bond with guys. Sex is the ultimate stage for such emotional bond, when that is absent and if he gets addicted, then wouldn’t he be in more confusion and contradiction? Why want to mess people up with such shallow philosophy of must try then will know, just because it is your experience? This is stupidity, smart people learn from the mistakes of others instead of repeating them.
 

Why so many gays like to jump on every opportunity to imply and suggest confused or bicurious guys as gays. This is revolting and makes your community looks desperate to convert guys to gays. wolves in sheep clothings!

[Guest EDMW]

Kudos to those who share more sound advices.

[Guest Sense maker]

On 4/11/2021 at 6:43 PM, Guest shyboy said:

 

really? I'm not sure tho. it has already been like this for years and i dk what to do with it. im just really confused. it's only recently that i realised that i can have sexual feelings for guys but i don't have emotional attachment with them. they're just like, sex toys to me. so either i go for guys or girls, it's unfair for both sides cos i cannot satisfy them on both ways. i'm so torn.

A wholesome sex is not just sexual feeling. Sexual feeling is lust, as you have correctly described in your terms – sex toys. a wholesome sex is the bonding of love and emotion when it reaches the deepest stage. Sexual feeling is just to assist in that, it will be disastrous if you do not have the right understanding of it. 

 

Did you discover sexual feelings for guys because of trying and experimentation? This is the snare of trying. Contrary to popular beliefs, from a medical and psychological point of view, it is perfectly possible for you and anyone to be able to develop sexual feeling for both gender although the risk is that one may supersede the other and causes repulsion to the other.

[Guest Sense maker]

On 4/12/2021 at 9:34 AM, Guest Lancelot said:

You reap what you sow, who ask you to watch gay porn and fantasise about guys since young. You brought it upon yourself by choice because you did not have the ability to weigh your consequences as a child.

 

What you can do now is to chop this full grown tree, uproot it, and sow new seeds.

you are so direct in the hard truth. Not many can accept hard truths like this.

 

On 4/12/2021 at 4:30 PM, Guest Prestige said:

The scientific explanation for disgust is often overlook. 
 

Disgust happens when our mind and secondary senses render an object we sensed as offensive psychologically. Senses refers to the 5 human senses.
 

Humans need to feel certain, we are ingrained to have a known outcome, have an understanding of what to expect. 

 

The wariness and fear of not knowing what to expect - something inconsistent and unfamiliar to us causes the offensive feeling because our brain isn’t able to determine if we will like that.

Feelings of disgust are framed by our perception of the object and it is something we have control over, albeit not upfront and depends largely on the person’s personality – a person who is prone to anxiety may tend to feel disgust more often than an average person does. It is important to remember that feeling disgust is a natural defence mechanism that can be neutralised and combated. We must seek to understand what triggers our disgust, when to heed the warning, and when to push past it. Disgust as a deeper held emotion/ feeling limits our ability to think and act objectively.

 

You need to see beyond your disgust reflex if you want to be able to find your answers.

Like having an acquired taste, with time and openness, we can come to appreciate, adopt, and even value things that once repulsed us. The key to overcoming disgust is not to judge yourself for that feeling, but to realise that most disgust come from imagined feelings in hypothetical situations or a preconceived notion and mindset.

 

Yes, disgust reflex is the culprit preventing sexual feelings. But once overcome, the deeper the disgust reflex, the greater the sexual feelings. Learnt that in one of my module.

[Guest sense maker]

On 4/11/2021 at 6:43 PM, Guest shyboy said:

 

really? I'm not sure tho. it has already been like this for years and i dk what to do with it. im just really confused. it's only recently that i realised that i can have sexual feelings for guys but i don't have emotional attachment with them. they're just like, sex toys to me. so either i go for guys or girls, it's unfair for both sides cos i cannot satisfy them on both ways. i'm so torn.

one more point to add. sexual feelings are not exactly realised or discovered, they are developed in a subconscious manner arising from your thoughts and actions.

[Guest Hmm]

44 minutes ago, Guest Sense maker said:

A wholesome sex is not just sexual feeling. Sexual feeling is lust, as you have correctly described in your terms – sex toys. a wholesome sex is the bonding of love and emotion when it reaches the deepest stage. Sexual feeling is just to assist in that, it will be disastrous if you do not have the right understanding of it. 

 

Did you discover sexual feelings for guys because of trying and experimentation? This is the snare of trying. Contrary to popular beliefs, from a medical and psychological point of view, it is perfectly possible for you and anyone to be able to develop sexual feeling for both gender although the risk is that one may supersede the other and causes repulsion to the other.

 

39 minutes ago, Guest Sense maker said:

you are so direct in the hard truth. Not many can accept hard truths like this.

 

 

Yes, disgust reflex is the culprit preventing sexual feelings. But once overcome, the deeper the disgust reflex, the greater the sexual feelings. Learnt that in one of my module.

 

21 minutes ago, Guest sense maker said:

one more point to add. sexual feelings are not exactly realised or discovered, they are developed in a subconscious manner arising from your thoughts and actions.

I'm not one to encourage careless, promiscuous behaviour, but it does seem like you're implying sexuality isn't innate and can be changed by therapy - in which case I'd have to ask that you clarify.

 

OP, I understand you are confused and would be happy with some clarity. I would like to say that really there's not a lot strangers on a forum can do for you; sexuality is incredibly complicated and personal and ultimately it is for yourself to figure out. My personal advice would be to always take small, considered steps. Do not be reckless and start haphazardly jumping into bed with many strangers. Additionally, you should be aware that someone in your position is vulnerable to manipulation from certain groups that may not have your best interests/well-being in mind. If you really need to speak to someone, I'd suggest a qualified counselor, really. Eg. Oogachaga has counselling services.

 

All the best.

[Guest Sense maker]

I fully agree with

1 hour ago, Guest Hmm said:

 

 

I'm not one to encourage careless, promiscuous behaviour, but it does seem like you're implying sexuality isn't innate and can be changed by therapy - in which case I'd have to ask that you clarify.

 

OP, I understand you are confused and would be happy with some clarity. I would like to say that really there's not a lot strangers on a forum can do for you; sexuality is incredibly complicated and personal and ultimately it is for yourself to figure out. My personal advice would be to always take small, considered steps. Do not be reckless and start haphazardly jumping into bed with many strangers. Additionally, you should be aware that someone in your position is vulnerable to manipulation from certain groups that may not have your best interests/well-being in mind. If you really need to speak to someone, I'd suggest a qualified counselor, really. Eg. Oogachaga has counselling services.

 

All the best.

I agree with the second paragraph. However professional counsellors will also tell you the same advice and that is the answer is for you to figure out. So a sex therapist might be more appropriate for issues such as your disgust for sex. 
 

To clarify if sexuality is innate or not, it is controversial. The issue has been politicised by certain groups with an aim of defending the LGBT rights.

 

According to the biologists, the environment has no capability to change or sway sexuality and is therefore innate. However, the widespread fact remains that peer pressure and media influence has a lot of supremacy in swaying individuals thinking and feelings. This is in contradictory to the biologists view.

 

According to the social constructionists, homosexuality is a psychological character trait that develops during interaction. Genes and hormones only determine the basic physical traits, but they have no contributions on the sexual traits of an individual. 
 

Biologists, once again, contradicts their stance, as they also agree with social constructionists that masculine/ feminine behaviours are gender conforming/ nonconforming aspect that shows up after birth. Research indicates that guys raised with female counterparts or lack of a male primary caregiver were more likely to have feminine traits, as these guys did not get the opportunity to interact with other guys to acquire the masculine traits. The growth environment, which includes how a person is nurtured and brought up will facilitate the traits.

 

Research and accounts from homosexuals indicated that some of them were trying the act out of curiosity, and in the process, they became addicted to the pleasure. 
 

Therefore, it is true that while genes and hormones have an underlying effect, but it is the social and cultural environment along with the psychological aspect which conclusively determines it. A person may defy the odds of his genes and hormones.

 

Conversion therapy, it is up to the individual to decide if it benefits and help. There are those who said it benefitted them, and there are those who said it didn’t. We must also not forget there are plenty of politicised naysayers around.

[Guest Sigh]

3 hours ago, Guest Sense maker said:

I fully agree with

I agree with the second paragraph. However professional counsellors will also tell you the same advice and that is the answer is for you to figure out. So a sex therapist might be more appropriate for issues such as your disgust for sex. 
 

To clarify if sexuality is innate or not, it is controversial. The issue has been politicised by certain groups with an aim of defending the LGBT rights.

 

According to the biologists, the environment has no capability to change or sway sexuality and is therefore innate. However, the widespread fact remains that peer pressure and media influence has a lot of supremacy in swaying individuals thinking and feelings. This is in contradictory to the biologists view.

 

According to the social constructionists, homosexuality is a psychological character trait that develops during interaction. Genes and hormones only determine the basic physical traits, but they have no contributions on the sexual traits of an individual. 
 

Biologists, once again, contradicts their stance, as they also agree with social constructionists that masculine/ feminine behaviours are gender conforming/ nonconforming aspect that shows up after birth. Research indicates that guys raised with female counterparts or lack of a male primary caregiver were more likely to have feminine traits, as these guys did not get the opportunity to interact with other guys to acquire the masculine traits. The growth environment, which includes how a person is nurtured and brought up will facilitate the traits.

 

Research and accounts from homosexuals indicated that some of them were trying the act out of curiosity, and in the process, they became addicted to the pleasure. 
 

Therefore, it is true that while genes and hormones have an underlying effect, but it is the social and cultural environment along with the psychological aspect which conclusively determines it. A person may defy the odds of his genes and hormones.

 

Conversion therapy, it is up to the individual to decide if it benefits and help. There are those who said it benefitted them, and there are those who said it didn’t. We must also not forget there are plenty of politicised naysayers around.

Oh, for God's sake... Really? We have peddlers like you once in a while.  I don't have time for a developed response; I can only hope the audience is discerning enough.

 

[Guest Confused no2]

4 hours ago, Guest Sense maker said:

I fully agree with

I agree with the second paragraph. However professional counsellors will also tell you the same advice and that is the answer is for you to figure out. So a sex therapist might be more appropriate for issues such as your disgust for sex. 
 

To clarify if sexuality is innate or not, it is controversial. The issue has been politicised by certain groups with an aim of defending the LGBT rights.

 

According to the biologists, the environment has no capability to change or sway sexuality and is therefore innate. However, the widespread fact remains that peer pressure and media influence has a lot of supremacy in swaying individuals thinking and feelings. This is in contradictory to the biologists view.

 

According to the social constructionists, homosexuality is a psychological character trait that develops during interaction. Genes and hormones only determine the basic physical traits, but they have no contributions on the sexual traits of an individual. 
 

Biologists, once again, contradicts their stance, as they also agree with social constructionists that masculine/ feminine behaviours are gender conforming/ nonconforming aspect that shows up after birth. Research indicates that guys raised with female counterparts or lack of a male primary caregiver were more likely to have feminine traits, as these guys did not get the opportunity to interact with other guys to acquire the masculine traits. The growth environment, which includes how a person is nurtured and brought up will facilitate the traits.

 

Research and accounts from homosexuals indicated that some of them were trying the act out of curiosity, and in the process, they became addicted to the pleasure. 
 

Therefore, it is true that while genes and hormones have an underlying effect, but it is the social and cultural environment along with the psychological aspect which conclusively determines it. A person may defy the odds of his genes and hormones.

 

Conversion therapy, it is up to the individual to decide if it benefits and help. There are those who said it benefitted them, and there are those who said it didn’t. We must also not forget there are plenty of politicised naysayers around.

this is quite well presented, and seems to me that it has tried to present arguments from both sides. However sexuality is very fluid and complex, and can’t be tackled easily. 
 

from the findings of my own research, i found out that the scientific claims that sexuality is innate genetically is not fully 100% proven and contentious. There are studies and research with credible evidences that suggest sexuality is not innate. 
 

i am confused myself too but such research and findings are really helpful.
 

looks like it is really a politicised subject. 

[Guest Confused no2]

35 minutes ago, Guest Sigh said:

Oh, for God's sake... Really? We have peddlers like you once in a while.  I don't have time for a developed response; I can only hope the audience is discerning enough.

 

that is mean of you to call someone else a peddler. 
 

sori while not for me to judge but i like to stand up against such low-level behaviour of cancel culture and names-calling.

 

I find it very helpful for my own reflection, end of day, you are right it is for me and others to discern. 

[Guest No common sense]

Having a good laugh. Asking for advice on a gay site, what else can you expect. lmao

 

how many comments will be taken as troll even if it makes sense? 
 

just fuck and no need think. Ts, how many guys have you fucked? lmaoz

[Guest Huh]

Guests "Sense maker" and "Confused no 2" make intriguing statements.  Sure y'all wouldn't mind sharing some of the research/papers y'all have found? I'm sure many would appreciate the enlightenment

[Guest Huh]

Can the mods just check all the guests on this thread, please? Thank you.

[PlayersGroup]

As a general rule, I only engage Guests who demonstrate the ability and willingness to discuss clearly, civilly, and staying on the same issue. If you don't attempt to understand each other, there is no point to scold each other, cos u dun even want to understand what you are disagreeing with.

 

Those who attempt to bait ppl into emotional flame wars making personal attacks bring no value to the original poster who needs advice and help. I also don't understand why some people who disagree with gay sex so much, would come to a gay forum to tell people trying gay sex is equal to selfishness, brutality, exploitation, addiction. I mean, besides the sex, havent you seen the way we are mostly friendly and support each other here? There is love, there is heartbreak. There are real people in difficulty as are there real people giving emotional outlet and support here, just by being here. It really doesn't matter how many Guest names is generated, let's be constructive.

 

It is important to read research, but it is also important to discern any bias in the research. In the same way that some research is accused of pursuing a pro-LGBT "agenda", there are those who presents research that skews towards their beliefs and other agenda.

 

What is important, is we need to compare the so-called research and see whether it correspond to our honest experience and reality. If it doesn't, it just doesn't. No matter how hard they try to convince, you know it in your heart of hearts what is true, compared to what is just someone trying to force their beliefs onto you.

 

I have read research who says oh ppl become gay cos they lack a father figure, have a dominant mother, cos they are the first born, 2nd born, 3rd born,  only child etc etc. I have met friends who doesn't belong to any of the categories and they are still gay. After a long period of consideration, some of these purported research that indirectly supports ideas behind conversion therapy, I have decided, on a balance of things, they are probably untrue. You are free to decide otherwise for yourself.

 

Similarly, I read research that says being gay is immutable and genetic. My attitude is: "Ok, noted." but I don't subscribe to it fully either.

 

As it is right now, my opinion is that there is both nature and nurture. I also think life is precious, time is precious. I think we should live our lives with love and zest to the fullest. We don't have time to argue till the cows come home over some other people's ideology and beliefs. It is ok to disagree. Live and let live. 

 

Edited April 14, 2021 by PlayersGroup

[Guest Mic drop]

To the OP, you mentioned you discovered you can have sexual feelings for guys, so I inferred that you didn’t had those feelings but you eventually nurtured it.

 

Look at the forum, all the different threads and content, look at how people are embracing their sexual feelings through casual hookups. Is this the kind of lifestyle and values you want? You are free to judge, discern and decide for yourself do you want to be one of them or not.

 

Period. Mic drop. 

 

[Guest key]

Ya we don't have time to argue till the cows come home over ideology and beliefs.
 

There are many kinds of people in the world, there are those who have sex to consummate their love, there are those sex maniac who have sex just so as to continuously experience new sexual feelings and feel shiok, and there are also those who are celibate.

 

All are choices.

[Guest Hmm]

6 hours ago, Guest Mic drop said:

To the OP, you mentioned you discovered you can have sexual feelings for guys, so I inferred that you didn’t had those feelings but you eventually nurtured it.

 

Look at the forum, all the different threads and content, look at how people are embracing their sexual feelings through casual hookups. Is this the kind of lifestyle and values you want? You are free to judge, discern and decide for yourself do you want to be one of them or not.

 

Period. Mic drop. 

 

You know what, you bring up a fair point.

 

However, this does not really address OP's worry, which is concerning how to label himself. He finds - not sure how he came to realize, and I'm not going to assume using a term like "nurtured", but somehow he has - that he is sexually attracted but not emotionally attracted to guys, while emotionally attracted but not sexually attracted to girls. 

 

What you're bringing up is how some gay men choose to experience or live with their sexuality - promiscuity, nonmonogamy, and whatnot. 

 

I can say with moral certainly, whether you would like to believe it or not, that not all homosexual men have the same "kind of lifestyle and values"; not all gay men lead promiscuous lives that involve hookup apps, cruising, orgies, and whatnot. Gay men have one thing in common: they are attracted to men.

 

You can't look at the self-selecting subset of gay men on this sexualized forum/platform on the internet, and take it to represent all gay men, any more than you can look at some Catholic priests sexually abusing boys and call the entire religion of Catholicism wicked.

 

Conflating sexuality with personal code or values is disingenuous, and would not be lost on the discerning. 

 

I still personally think that sexuality is innate - you are free to believe otherwise - , and that while we cannot control who we are attracted to, we can control what we do about it. Some accept it, live promiscuously, and feel trapped and unhappy. Some accept it and are happy living promiscuously. Some accept it, and manage to get into happy same-sex marriages. Some never accept or repress it, then become/are stuck in unhappy marriages to women they cannot love, then they may or may not choose to have secret flings with men. Some choose to repress it and live a life of celibacy, and may be happy with it. 

 

Am I saying OP is definitely gay or homosexual? No. I don't know for sure; nobody on this forum does. Again I recommend, if OP would like to approach someone, that whoever he approaches is qualified/licensed/registered/etc. <--important!  I brought up the organisation Oogachaga as an example and I bring it up again. As a second example, there are counselors in schools/universities.   If OP doesn't want to approach a counselor it is fine, and I suggest he be calm, careful and thoughtful rather than careless and rash, whatever it is that happens. It is always good to contemplate, and OP may find decent resources that he finds helpful. Very importantly, OP, if something is uncomfortable with you, then just don't do it; listen to your heart and not pressure from peers, or, worse, strangers. 

 

7 hours ago, Guest Mic drop said:

 

Look at the forum, all the different threads and content, look at how people are embracing their sexual feelings through casual hookups. Is this the kind of lifestyle and values you want? You are free to judge, discern and decide for yourself do you want to be one of them or not.

You are right - OP can decide for himself whether he wants to be promiscuous or not. 

 

 

[Guest Passerby]

If OP is confused and need help to sort his thoughts, he should look for a neutral counsellor. However all counsellors are not supposed to lead the client or advice the client. 
 

if OP wants answers, he should look for a medically certified sex therapist, since his issue of disgust should fall within the scope of help of a sex therapist. 

[PlayersGroup]

Yes. Now we are getting somewhere. This is the conversation that should be had. Underlying the different opinions is a difference in values and beliefs. Values of what is more important, what is less important. Beliefs in what is true, what is false. Ultimately what is meaningful.

 

The question is can we accept that different people have different beliefs and values and live different lives according to different considerations. 

 

To most, perhaps sex must happen in the context of emotional bonding, relationship and marriage, which can even have a spiritual dimension and religious definition. To others, sex is a biological need and drive to derive pleasure and fun. To some, as it is for me, it can be both.

 

There is tension between the wildly divergent perspectives and maybe some discomfort at having people who think very differently from ourselves, but that is the human condition, that is the way people are: to have differences even while we share similarities. 

 

And a person's sexual expression, is a very very personal experience so I tend not judge. I suppose you can say, I value an adventurous life of active exploration and honest reflection based on experience rather than just passive thinking, I value people's right to hold divergent values, whether it be about sex or other topics. I value not prescribing how others should live, but if u ask for advice I will give it honestly. I value mutual respect and unconditional goodwill based on a shared humanity, not assuming ppl are bad for being different from me.

 

These are my values, what I consider as important. I'm not religious or spiritual. But I try to give maximum space to others being themselves so long as space is mutually respected.

[Guest Passerby]

Yes not all of us lead promiscuous lives that involve hookup apps, cruising, orgies, and whatnot. But sadly most of us do... even the minority of us probably tried before too. Even OP tried before too since he say he treat guys like sex toy.

 

I don’t live on a fairytale about my community. The disproportionate representation of HIV cases among us in the society is indeed alarming and worrying. The number of sexual cases that get published on the news is also disproportionate considering we are a minority in our society. We need to start facing the truth and reflect about ourselves instead of acting ethnical and whatnot.

 

Gay men loitering and cruising in public toilets and all... gay saunas and all...

 

no wonder our community is being thought of this way...

[Guest Passerby]

On 4/14/2021 at 7:06 PM, PlayersGroup said:

As a general rule, I only engage Guests who demonstrate the ability and willingness to discuss clearly, civilly, and staying on the same issue. If you don't attempt to understand each other, there is no point to scold each other, cos u dun even want to understand what you are disagreeing with.

 

Those who attempt to bait ppl into emotional flame wars making personal attacks bring no value to the original poster who needs advice and help. I also don't understand why some people who disagree with gay sex so much, would come to a gay forum to tell people trying gay sex is equal to selfishness, brutality, exploitation, addiction. I mean, besides the sex, havent you seen the way we are mostly friendly and support each other here? There is love, there is heartbreak. There are real people in difficulty as are there real people giving emotional outlet and support here, just by being here. It really doesn't matter how many Guest names is generated, let's be constructive.

 

It is important to read research, but it is also important to discern any bias in the research. In the same way that some research is accused of pursuing a pro-LGBT "agenda", there are those who presents research that skews towards their beliefs and other agenda.

 

What is important, is we need to compare the so-called research and see whether it correspond to our honest experience and reality. If it doesn't, it just doesn't. No matter how hard they try to convince, you know it in your heart of hearts what is true, compared to what is just someone trying to force their beliefs onto you.

 

I have read research who says oh ppl become gay cos they lack a father figure, have a dominant mother, cos they are the first born, 2nd born, 3rd born,  only child etc etc. I have met friends who doesn't belong to any of the categories and they are still gay. After a long period of consideration, some of these purported research that indirectly supports ideas behind conversion therapy, I have decided, on a balance of things, they are probably untrue. You are free to decide otherwise for yourself.

 

Similarly, I read research that says being gay is immutable and genetic. My attitude is: "Ok, noted." but I don't subscribe to it fully either.

 

As it is right now, my opinion is that there is both nature and nurture. I also think life is precious, time is precious. I think we should live our lives with love and zest to the fullest. We don't have time to argue till the cows come home over some other people's ideology and beliefs. It is ok to disagree. Live and let live. 

 

To be fair, not all of us become gay cos we lack a father figure, have a dominant mother, cos they are the first born, 2nd born, 3rd born,  only child etc etc. Although yes there are those among us, whom i know personally have absent father figure, one of them have an absent father and dominant mother.

 

So yes these research may make a point but most of the science behind sexuality is too complex and one sided.

 

The biases and politicised nature of this topic make it even more difficult to understand it. Others even call it an ideology now.

 

This may be a backlash on me, I may be gay but i don’t believe it to be innate. The so-called science doesn’t convince me. It gives me more questions than answers.