Confession #4

[BlinkOnce]

"Hello everyone,

I have just discovered this forum as a 22 year old gay man in Malaysia. I have never known that there was such a community here for PLU and it's quite a positive thing to see because I think it can help alot of young PLU's. I guess I'm mainly writing in to express my troubles, and an anonymous forum seems like the perfect safe zone for that.

You can refer to me as J, I'm pretty straight passing in manner and appearance and I'm also someone that struggles deeply with mental health. I don't feel any sense of purpose/identity intense feelings of loneliness, depression and shame. These feelings have swirled on and on and on in my head till the point that I cant differentiate a time in my life that I haven't felt this way. Am writing this here so that hopefully it can begin to untie one of the knots that will allow me to overcome these feelings.

Mental health is never a simple topic and many issues/traumas usually run concurrently. I have started to realize maybe my sexuallity is one of these aspects that I need to confront. Maybe someone can relate.

I have known since puberty that I preferred men and came out when I was 19. My family, friends and inner circles know about my sexuality and all are generally very accepting of me. Despite that I still act in certain ways that makes me question how comfortable with myself I really was to come out in the first place.

When I decided to come out, I consciously put effort into convincing people I was a top (big fat lie, love cock) because for some stupid fucking reason It feels less shameful than being a bottom. I don't know why I still cannot be honest and have the compulsive need to hide and lie about this aspect of myself even to other PLU's. Having a normal conversation about my love life renders me tense and anxiety ridden for fear they might put the pieces together. I don't have a G social network so maybe this is just "straight" conditioning that I have grown up with and am struggling to decondition. If anyone relates, how did you overcome this.

Cheers,

J"

 

- To be honest, I can't relate to this issue of yours, so I can't really give my thoughts. But you sound like your mental health is in a bad state. I think you should seek professional help. You can take a look at this page to see if any of these could help! 

_BlinkOnce_

 

[Steve5380]

You are fortunate to have discovered this forum.   Get a membership here that will give you an identity, while still keeping your real persona anonymous.  Don't seek the complete anonymity of being a guest,  because with an identity here you may become recognizable and establish some friendship with members, and why not, be liked and disliked by others.  In this way you can get some feeling of being a member of a community in a cyber gay scene were you can discuss your issues with like minded people, and maybe this starts to untie some mental knots,  especially if you put your intelligence to work to help other PLUs, young and not so young, with their problems.  You know, when we give advice to others we may be also giving advice to ourselves in the same areas. 

 

Having interest in topics here and having conversations, discussions, arguments with others could ease a transition into the gay scene in the place of Malaysia where you live or in a big nearby city like Kuala Lumpur.  Perhaps then, you will start to realize that there are no reasons for loneliness, (something different from being solitary), depression and especially shame.  SHAME?  Nothing about sex should lead to shame.   Leave this for the criminals,  the dirty politicians, the capitalists making billions on the shoulders of decent people, the preachers of falsities.

 

It looks like you have come to the right place,  so take advantage of it   

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Edited July 25, 2021 by Steve5380