I am infatuated with my colleague. Will i get over this?

[Mameha]

It took me quite abit of courage to post here. 

i think this is a case of infatuation and i really do hope i can be more rational and get over this soon.

 

I have a new fren at the office. He joined 2 to 3 months back. But i only really took notice of him when we went for drinks with a bunch of co-workers 2 days before my bday (and no we did not celebrate my bday).
 

He is 4 years older than me, but certainly didnt look his age. 

He’s lived in australia for 15 years so he speaks with an aussie slang.

He’s also lived in tokyo for a few years.

He loves watches and recently picked up gardening.

And like me, he’s mostly a vege too.

I know i am putting up quite a bit of details here. But that is because i am secretly hoping that he sees this, and private chat me!

 

So since that drinks session, i really cant get my mind off him. He’s always in my thoughts. I havent felt this way in a long while. But its like those adolescent puppy love/infatuation kind of feeling where he’s always on my mind. I hate it since i know this is 1 sided, but still i cant get him off my mind. And i feel i am too old to have such infatuations!

 

 We have a very busy job nature. So sometimes i noticed when he try to approach me at work, he would back off when i look busy looking at my multiple screens. He sits a few rows away. And in my pockets of free time, i try to steal glances of him. Or get super excited when he private chats me on the company’s chat system. He sits near the entrance but i always walk very quickly past him without making any eye contact with him because i am nervous. I dunno if he noticed that, but i hope he doesnt misunderstand that as me being unapproachable. And worse of all, i get jealous when he seemingly get more friendly with other people, esp girls. I know it is not being rational here, but i am trying very hard not to lose myself as well.

 

i really hate myself cos i seriously think he’s str8 as f**k and that he’s just being friendly to everyone else (western aussie upbringing u know). But i really cant help it. I dont want to be in a situation where i over compromise or over sacrifice myself for something that will not have come into fruition.

 

so i am here to seek help! How shld i approach this situation pls? And how do i get over such meaningless infatuations?

 

thanks in advance for responses!

 

[Guest A History]

On 9/15/2021 at 10:33 PM, Mameha said:

 

so i am here to seek help! How shld i approach this situation pls? And how do i get over such meaningless infatuations?

 

thanks in advance for responses!

 

It is love turns fantasy. Your unapproachability stems from feeling self-guilt and overly conscious of his presence and his actions. You struggled between wanting to be noticed and pretentious. If such infatuations are allowed to prolong and  became part of your live, your career will be compromised.  If he resign or leave, at some point in time,  you will be completely emptied out and became a walking dead.  I was in your shoes once....here is my story.

 

I was once a pioneer to help set up a company and we started to recruit newbies, of whom one caught my attention.  I read his resume and testimonials, he is a perfect guy with a perfect look for a perfect job that matches him.  Everything about him is so indispensible and so much younger and modest, unlike those young punks who threw tempers easily.  This chap is cute, and very very hardworking and willing to be trained and learned.  Because I love what I saw (in love),  I paid very close attention and provided special training to make him felt comfortable in the job.  He married young, and has a primary school going boy.   Because I showered him with so much "love" and care to make him feel at ease, he eventually has special liking for me..  I think he began to know I am gay.  So, what he did was to get someone else to tease me occassionally, praising about the shirt I wore on that day or about little things like I forgot to sign on certain documents.  I love his joke, indirectly, and he often get someone to hint to me that he likes me...a lot and I knew he masturbated regularly in the office toilet - sometime forgot to flush after that...

 

Long story short.  I felt flattered by the above and my infatuation grew deeper for him.  Eventually I resigned due to in-fighting politics among the managers and the foreigner force is stronger than local I felt meaningless to continue staying with the company.  I struggled between quitting my job (due to politics) and staying behind (for the guy).   I chose the former, because I knew there is no outcome between a gay and straight guy.  On my last day, he was sad to see me leave.  I have created a very positive impression on him since the beginning.  I was happily shocked he offered to take picture of him on his cell phone, and soon after he went to the toilet...for the longest time.  I suspect, he was jerking away inside. 

 

I left my workplace, feeling empty. No departure fare, nothing.   If the guy is gay, the outcome would probably be quite different.

[Guest Just don't]

Please. 

 

Just don't. 

 

Other gays have gone down this road. 

 

It all ends the same. 

 

But oh well, there is just no other way to let you experience it. 

 

And come to your own self realisation. 

 

That. 

 

It. 

 

Leads. 

 

Nowhere. 

 

But you do you, mkay. Love ya

[auscent]

You can try to find out some info. Reality bites - chances are, statstically speaking, not high.

[Mameha]

And just to add on, he’s in his late 30s, but still single!! Does this hint at anything?

 

Oh well, i recognise what everyone is saying here - That nothing will come out of it, since he’s not PLU. So i really do not hold any hopes.

 

Also, i try very consciously to act normal, and not overly zealous or excited in front of him. I was thinking maybe just a good fren at the work place is good too? 
 

i really dunno. This is still in the beginning stages, but i am alr falling so heads over hills.

 

More suggestions welcome pls!

 

[Looking123]

Are you ready to resign if something goes wrong? Or will this cause him to lose his job? There's some truth to "don't shit where you eat", isn't there? When things go well, it's rainbow and sunshine. What happens when things don't (i.e. real life happens)? I know such feelings are very strong and you don't want to miss out on this opportunity. All the best.

[Airmani_basah]

Do you have girlfriends you can offer to introduce him to on a blind date. That typically a way of finding out if he’s gay or not. Especially if he’s raised in a relatively open society?

[gstringuy26]

U mind I ask how you look? Average, above average or a face to die for? 

Then will decide your chances, because looks does matters a lot! 😊 

[practease]

On 9/15/2021 at 10:33 PM, Mameha said:

 

so i am here to seek help! How shld i approach this situation pls? And how do i get over such meaningless infatuations?

 

 

You've identified it as "meaningless infatuations", does imply that your head is leveled enough to know that it is pointless. That's already very good for a start, better than those who are delusional and would get themselves into trouble by barking up the wrong tree. 

It's not difficult to get past such infatuations as they are as trivial as they come, we get attracted to pretty things way too easily and the antidote to that is simply finding fault with what appears so perfect. Deep down, we all do know that there is no such thing as perfection. 

Why do couples form rifts after cohabitating or marrying each other? Because they've not seen the other side of their partners yet. The willingness to work it out based on how much you love your other half is another thing altogether. But in this case, this person is just a pretty little ornament that you've taken a liking towards, hence it wouldn't be that hard to cause a fracture or dent in it's appearance. 

Just start by looking at him with less fawn but more frown. Pick out his idiosyncrasies, everyone has them, it's not difficult to spot. Find them, let them fester, and soon enough, this blue eyed boy will no longer leave you with blue balls but bruised balls. 

Try it. 

Thank me later.
 

[Guest Quit because of a job]

Quit because of a job

don’t quit because of a straight guy

you will regret 

it’s your career not others! 
straight guys are straight!

hard to bend a straight guy! 

[Foureyes]

On 9/15/2021 at 10:33 PM, Mameha said:

It took me quite abit of courage to post here. 

i think this is a case of infatuation and i really do hope i can be more rational and get over this soon.

 

I have a new fren at the office. He joined 2 to 3 months back. But i only really took notice of him when we went for drinks with a bunch of co-workers 2 days before my bday (and no we did not celebrate my bday).
 

He is 4 years older than me, but certainly didnt look his age. 

He’s lived in australia for 15 years so he speaks with an aussie slang.

He’s also lived in tokyo for a few years.

He loves watches and recently picked up gardening.

And like me, he’s mostly a vege too.

I know i am putting up quite a bit of details here. But that is because i am secretly hoping that he sees this, and private chat me!

 

So since that drinks session, i really cant get my mind off him. He’s always in my thoughts. I havent felt this way in a long while. But its like those adolescent puppy love/infatuation kind of feeling where he’s always on my mind. I hate it since i know this is 1 sided, but still i cant get him off my mind. And i feel i am too old to have such infatuations!

 

 We have a very busy job nature. So sometimes i noticed when he try to approach me at work, he would back off when i look busy looking at my multiple screens. He sits a few rows away. And in my pockets of free time, i try to steal glances of him. Or get super excited when he private chats me on the company’s chat system. He sits near the entrance but i always walk very quickly past him without making any eye contact with him because i am nervous. I dunno if he noticed that, but i hope he doesnt misunderstand that as me being unapproachable. And worse of all, i get jealous when he seemingly get more friendly with other people, esp girls. I know it is not being rational here, but i am trying very hard not to lose myself as well.

 

i really hate myself cos i seriously think he’s str8 as f**k and that he’s just being friendly to everyone else (western aussie upbringing u know). But i really cant help it. I dont want to be in a situation where i over compromise or over sacrifice myself for something that will not have come into fruition.

 

so i am here to seek help! How shld i approach this situation pls? And how do i get over such meaningless infatuations?

 

thanks in advance for responses!

 

There are many great guys out there! Dun give up the whole forest just because of one tree!

[GachiMuchi]

On 9/15/2021 at 10:33 PM, Mameha said:

It took me quite abit of courage to post here. 

i think this is a case of infatuation and i really do hope i can be more rational and get over this soon.

 

I have a new fren at the office. He joined 2 to 3 months back. But i only really took notice of him when we went for drinks with a bunch of co-workers 2 days before my bday (and no we did not celebrate my bday).
 

He is 4 years older than me, but certainly didnt look his age. 

He’s lived in australia for 15 years so he speaks with an aussie slang.

He’s also lived in tokyo for a few years.

He loves watches and recently picked up gardening.

And like me, he’s mostly a vege too.

I know i am putting up quite a bit of details here. But that is because i am secretly hoping that he sees this, and private chat me!

 

So since that drinks session, i really cant get my mind off him. He’s always in my thoughts. I havent felt this way in a long while. But its like those adolescent puppy love/infatuation kind of feeling where he’s always on my mind. I hate it since i know this is 1 sided, but still i cant get him off my mind. And i feel i am too old to have such infatuations!

 

 We have a very busy job nature. So sometimes i noticed when he try to approach me at work, he would back off when i look busy looking at my multiple screens. He sits a few rows away. And in my pockets of free time, i try to steal glances of him. Or get super excited when he private chats me on the company’s chat system. He sits near the entrance but i always walk very quickly past him without making any eye contact with him because i am nervous. I dunno if he noticed that, but i hope he doesnt misunderstand that as me being unapproachable. And worse of all, i get jealous when he seemingly get more friendly with other people, esp girls. I know it is not being rational here, but i am trying very hard not to lose myself as well.

 

i really hate myself cos i seriously think he’s str8 as f**k and that he’s just being friendly to everyone else (western aussie upbringing u know). But i really cant help it. I dont want to be in a situation where i over compromise or over sacrifice myself for something that will not have come into fruition.

 

so i am here to seek help! How shld i approach this situation pls? And how do i get over such meaningless infatuations?

 

thanks in advance for responses!

 

 

You must always remember ：
1. You are gay, and any feelings / fantasy / love for str8 guys will only ends up in Heartache.

2. Most companies frown on relationship between co-workers because when things goes sour, it would either ends up awkward or someone will be leaving.
3. Unless you are prepared to out yourself, any advances towards colleagues might / can be considered as sexual harassment. Worst when it's male towards another male.

4. Don't mistake friendly interactions from him that he is interested in you and don't overthink on your part however hard your dick stirs in your loin.

 

There is nothing to approach for this situation. Just enjoy his company and treat him just as someone that you want the best things to happen for him and just enjoy his company and friendship. By doing so, you can still be near him and enjoy his company instead of having him or the whole company knowing that you are gay and ostracise you like someone with a disease.

 

Your story brought back memories of my past were I was in charge of a team and in came a newbie guy, fresh out from commando. His blur, cute looks and stocky frame caught my attention. I had to show him the ropes therefore, there were many instances where he had to follow me to my meetings and sometimes we have to work late and a few times, he sent me home on his big Honda motorcycle. I really enjoyed holding on to him as a pinion rider when he ride his bike.

At first, it feels really awkward having to grab hold of his body but because he tends to speed, I have not choice but to grab on to him when he makes his turns.  Many thoughts flash across my minds during that time and many more thoughts flash across after that. But being a senior and knowing that he is str8 as fuck. I can only admire him from afar and keep my distance and just treat him as a good friend. I even attended his wedding. He is now happily married with 3 kids which are all grown up. We still occasionally keep in touch via social media.

 

Life is such, don't go wasting your time on someone not within your reach or barking on the wrong tree. Don't go and mixed up fantasy with reality. When push comes to shove, you will be left alone and hurt should things go wrong. So be warned. Don't eat and shit in the same place. 

 

 

[farku29]

here's a starting point...

1. keep chatting with him on the company chat app, on the most seemingly mundane things. gossip about your boss or co-workers. 
2. start slow, ask him to go down with you to get a coffee, see if he bites (receptive, not the teeth kind)
3. slowly but surely text him stuff on whatsapp.. see if he responds, esp if late into the night. you said gardening and vegetarian stuff? food porn to start...
4. move on to ask him for happy hour drinks, just the two of you. when you are high you are more daring to ask more inappropriate stuff
5. rinse and repeat steps 2-3 on a day to day basis

 

 

[Guest Huh]

wah lao bro, how old are you?

if you are in 20s, ok lah can understand you maybe not so matured yet.

 

if you are in 30s and beyond, then i really 🙄🙄🙄

[Mameha]

I really like and appreciate what i see here! Thanks for all the truthful sharing and life anecdotes!

 

And no shame, i am 34 while he’s 38! I wouldnt say i am hawt, but i guess i am pleasant looking.

 

i am aware this will lead to no where. And honestly i do not expect much to come out of this. I suppose i am clear minded enough to know that and will not risk to jeopardise our reputation or career.

 

but matters of the heart, especially infatuations are hard to get over! I just want to get over the feeling of being excited and nervous whenever i am near him because under those circumstances, i tend to behave unlike how i intended. I certainly do not want to leave him or those around me a weird impression. Neither do i want to keep thinking about him. Its an obsession to keep checking whatsapp for his last seen time etc, just to name a few. Its just not healthy!

 

Its hard to find a reason to hate him at this point. And hating someone is worse, no?

 

i would prefer to find a genuine fren in him! Just a fren and nothing else. Will this work? I mean if u like someone so much, surely u can like him enough to be a fren?

[Steve5380]

On 9/16/2021 at 7:41 AM, Mameha said:

I really like and appreciate what i see here! Thanks for all the truthful sharing and life anecdotes!

 

And no shame, i am 34 while he’s 38! I wouldnt say i am hawt, but i guess i am pleasant looking.

 

i am aware this will lead to no where. And honestly i do not expect much to come out of this. I suppose i am clear minded enough to know that and will not risk to jeopardise our reputation or career.

 

but matters of the heart, especially infatuations are hard to get over! I just want to get over the feeling of being excited and nervous whenever i am near him because under those circumstances, i tend to behave unlike how i intended. I certainly do not want to leave him or those around me a weird impression. Neither do i want to keep thinking about him. Its an obsession to keep checking whatsapp for his last seen time etc, just to name a few. Its just not healthy!

 

Its hard to find a reason to hate him at this point. And hating someone is worse, no?

 

i would prefer to find a genuine fren in him! Just a fren and nothing else. Will this work? I mean if u like someone so much, surely u can like him enough to be a fren?

 

You should be able to keep a good friendship with a person you are infatuated with.  Controlling your enthusiasm for him and keeping a civil rapport should not damage you mentally  (a favorite of psycho-bullshitters who claim that it is bad to repress emotions) but it may help to build character.

 

Don't think that these infatuations are a product of lack of maturity.  Hopefully you preserve a youthful heart forever .   What you want to welcome though is the strengthening and fine tuning of your self-control.  Preserving the friendship gives you the opportunity to learn more about him,  and,  who knows,  maybe he is not as straight as you think.  But wait to have sufficient evidence of this before you make any move.

[NSA chinese]

On 9/15/2021 at 10:33 PM, Mameha said:

It took me quite abit of courage to post here. 

i think this is a case of infatuation and i really do hope i can be more rational and get over this soon.

 

I have a new fren at the office. He joined 2 to 3 months back. But i only really took notice of him when we went for drinks with a bunch of co-workers 2 days before my bday (and no we did not celebrate my bday).
 

He is 4 years older than me, but certainly didnt look his age. 

He’s lived in australia for 15 years so he speaks with an aussie slang.

He’s also lived in tokyo for a few years.

He loves watches and recently picked up gardening.

And like me, he’s mostly a vege too.

I know i am putting up quite a bit of details here. But that is because i am secretly hoping that he sees this, and private chat me!

 

So since that drinks session, i really cant get my mind off him. He’s always in my thoughts. I havent felt this way in a long while. But its like those adolescent puppy love/infatuation kind of feeling where he’s always on my mind. I hate it since i know this is 1 sided, but still i cant get him off my mind. And i feel i am too old to have such infatuations!

 

 We have a very busy job nature. So sometimes i noticed when he try to approach me at work, he would back off when i look busy looking at my multiple screens. He sits a few rows away. And in my pockets of free time, i try to steal glances of him. Or get super excited when he private chats me on the company’s chat system. He sits near the entrance but i always walk very quickly past him without making any eye contact with him because i am nervous. I dunno if he noticed that, but i hope he doesnt misunderstand that as me being unapproachable. And worse of all, i get jealous when he seemingly get more friendly with other people, esp girls. I know it is not being rational here, but i am trying very hard not to lose myself as well.

 

i really hate myself cos i seriously think he’s str8 as f**k and that he’s just being friendly to everyone else (western aussie upbringing u know). But i really cant help it. I dont want to be in a situation where i over compromise or over sacrifice myself for something that will not have come into fruition.

 

so i am here to seek help! How shld i approach this situation pls? And how do i get over such meaningless infatuations?

 

thanks in advance for responses!

 

Mameha,

 

as an objective reader, a few things are apparent to me:

- you are interested in him but appear aloof around him because of nerves and

- you are logical to think this is meaningless and it may not end the way you want but harbour hopes that he likes you. 
 

frankly, all of us do not know your actual day-to-day interactions with him or how close both of you are.  But I agree the infatuation will not go away any time soon. When you like someone, it’s easy to magnify every cute little thing they do. 

your first sentence said it took you a lot of courage to put up this post. What you can do is to channel this courage to certain more conscious actions with outcomes:

 

- be yourself by being more friendly and less awkward around him (don’t avoid him and strike up conversations with him to understand him more),

- when you are comfortable around him, ask him out for 1 to 1 lunch or dinner for bonding, 

with the intent to find out whether he’s straight, gay or bi by asking simple questions (such as whether he is attached, has a girlfriend etc)

 

through the above 2 steps, you will be able to gauge whether he’s into you or not. If he’s keen in you, he will gladly go along with you on the above and things will progress faster. If he doesn’t like you, I think it will be obvious when he keeps rejecting your invitations. 
 

if he’s straight, you can quickly get him off your mind. If he’s gay or bi, then I wish you all the best. But all these starts with you plucking your courage to do so (if he doesn’t initiate it) and how you chart the next steps. 

[NSA chinese]

On 9/15/2021 at 11:19 PM, Guest A History said:

It is love turns fantasy. Your unapproachability stems from feeling self-guilt and overly conscious of his presence and his actions. You struggled between wanting to be noticed and pretentious. If such infatuations are allowed to prolong and  became part of your live, your career will be compromised.  If he resign or leave, at some point in time,  you will be completely emptied out and became a walking dead.  I was in your shoes once....here is my story.

 

I was once a pioneer to help set up a company and we started to recruit newbies, of whom one caught my attention.  I read his resume and testimonials, he is a perfect guy with a perfect look for a perfect job that matches him.  Everything about him is so indispensible and so much younger and modest, unlike those young punks who threw tempers easily.  This chap is cute, and very very hardworking and willing to be trained and learned.  Because I love what I saw (in love),  I paid very close attention and provided special training to make him felt comfortable in the job.  He married young, and has a primary school going boy.   Because I showered him with so much "love" and care to make him feel at ease, he eventually has special liking for me..  I think he began to know I am gay.  So, what he did was to get someone else to tease me occassionally, praising about the shirt I wore on that day or about little things like I forgot to sign on certain documents.  I love his joke, indirectly, and he often get someone to hint to me that he likes me...a lot and I knew he masturbated regularly in the office toilet - sometime forgot to flush after that...

 

Long story short.  I felt flattered by the above and my infatuation grew deeper for him.  Eventually I resigned due to in-fighting politics among the managers and the foreigner force is stronger than local I felt meaningless to continue staying with the company.  I struggled between quitting my job (due to politics) and staying behind (for the guy).   I chose the former, because I knew there is no outcome between a gay and straight guy.  On my last day, he was sad to see me leave.  I have created a very positive impression on him since the beginning.  I was happily shocked he offered to take picture of him on his cell phone, and soon after he went to the toilet...for the longest time.  I suspect, he was jerking away inside. 

 

I left my workplace, feeling empty. No departure fare, nothing.   If the guy is gay, the outcome would probably be quite different.

Hi,

 

I have been there and done that too. 😆 I had a gay staff who was very hardworking and creative, unlike the others. So I paid more attention and helped him whenever he approached me (even gave advise when he had problems with his partner). Gradually, I started to develop some feelings for him and told him how I felt but he didn’t feel the same towards me. workplace romance usually don’t pan out well and to cut the long story short, we went separate ways when I left the company. 

but your case seems different from mine. You said he eventually had a special liking for you through the things he did to hint to you. You never did find out if he’s bi or he’s just playing along (some straight guys do this without knowing they are leading others along)?

 

I do agree if he’s gay or bi, the outcome would be different, even after you left the company. But you never did catch up with him after you leave the company? I would make an attempt to connect and things may be easier when you are no longer in the same company. 
 

I never like guessing games. If I like someone, I will take steps to find out if the feeling is mutual or not before deciding on the next steps. For me, life is too short to waste on such indecisions. At least I will never be in the situation to ask “what if’s” and blame myself for missed opportunities. 
 

anyway, I wish you best of luck too! 😄

[Mameha]

It has been more than 2 weeks since i posted any updates.

 

so with the new covid restrictions, there was one week when i didnt see him since we had to wfh. I think not seeing him is making it more bearable for me. Although he randomly texts me here and there, but i think its just normal and him being friendly.

 

its more eventful for the week when we were both in office. I heeded some of the advice here: acted normal and talked more with him. So there were some days when i gathered some courage and talked to him more, we even got out a few times to get lunch. Defo more interactions there! 
 

but i think we are quite different and most likely opposite. Think virgo vs. sagittarius. I guess i am attracted to him since he’s a fresh character afterall: singaporean who speaks with aussie slang, very friendly, bubbly etc. But i feel we could be very different in our values. 
 

up to this point, i am still not expecting more from him, other than just being good friends. So i will not attempt to bend him.

 

i have also reckoned that he’s nice to everyone. Typical to his role as a sales person. There was once when we went out to get lunch together, he bought snacks for everyone in the office. Nice right? So his friendliness is not just to me.

 

but even though i recognize all these, i still cant help but be infatuated with him. I still get jealous when he talks to girls. I still cant speak very well when i am near him.. i get nervous sometimes or i say things which i didnt intend. I find it awkward for behaving like this around him. And i am still walking hurriedly away everytime i walk past his desk. And worse, i keep imagining his intentions towards me.

 

its just bad and i hate myself for that. I feel like just totally ignoring him. I know its not gonna be easy as well. But is it wise?

[yeoel]

i think if there is no need then do not have any interactions with him. im doing that. 

you will miss him but a bit better and slowly more better..

[Guest Guest]

On 9/28/2021 at 10:42 PM, Mameha said:

It has been more than 2 weeks since i posted any updates.

 

so with the new covid restrictions, there was one week when i didnt see him since we had to wfh. I think not seeing him is making it more bearable for me. Although he randomly texts me here and there, but i think its just normal and him being friendly.

 

its more eventful for the week when we were both in office. I heeded some of the advice here: acted normal and talked more with him. So there were some days when i gathered some courage and talked to him more, we even got out a few times to get lunch. Defo more interactions there! 
 

but i think we are quite different and most likely opposite. Think virgo vs. sagittarius. I guess i am attracted to him since he’s a fresh character afterall: singaporean who speaks with aussie slang, very friendly, bubbly etc. But i feel we could be very different in our values. 
 

up to this point, i am still not expecting more from him, other than just being good friends. So i will not attempt to bend him.

 

i have also reckoned that he’s nice to everyone. Typical to his role as a sales person. There was once when we went out to get lunch together, he bought snacks for everyone in the office. Nice right? So his friendliness is not just to me.

 

but even though i recognize all these, i still cant help but be infatuated with him. I still get jealous when he talks to girls. I still cant speak very well when i am near him.. i get nervous sometimes or i say things which i didnt intend. I find it awkward for behaving like this around him. And i am still walking hurriedly away everytime i walk past his desk. And worse, i keep imagining his intentions towards me.

 

its just bad and i hate myself for that. I feel like just totally ignoring him. I know its not gonna be easy as well. But is it wise?

Did you jerk off with you picturing him making love to you?

[GachiMuchi]

On 9/28/2021 at 10:42 PM, Mameha said:

It has been more than 2 weeks since i posted any updates.

 

so with the new covid restrictions, there was one week when i didnt see him since we had to wfh. I think not seeing him is making it more bearable for me. Although he randomly texts me here and there, but i think its just normal and him being friendly.

 

its more eventful for the week when we were both in office. I heeded some of the advice here: acted normal and talked more with him. So there were some days when i gathered some courage and talked to him more, we even got out a few times to get lunch. Defo more interactions there! 
 

but i think we are quite different and most likely opposite. Think virgo vs. sagittarius. I guess i am attracted to him since he’s a fresh character afterall: singaporean who speaks with aussie slang, very friendly, bubbly etc. But i feel we could be very different in our values. 
 

up to this point, i am still not expecting more from him, other than just being good friends. So i will not attempt to bend him.

 

i have also reckoned that he’s nice to everyone. Typical to his role as a sales person. There was once when we went out to get lunch together, he bought snacks for everyone in the office. Nice right? So his friendliness is not just to me.

 

but even though i recognize all these, i still cant help but be infatuated with him. I still get jealous when he talks to girls. I still cant speak very well when i am near him.. i get nervous sometimes or i say things which i didnt intend. I find it awkward for behaving like this around him. And i am still walking hurriedly away everytime i walk past his desk. And worse, i keep imagining his intentions towards me.

 

its just bad and i hate myself for that. I feel like just totally ignoring him. I know its not gonna be easy as well. But is it wise?

 

 

1. He Does NOT Belongs to you, to begin with.

2. He is not even your boyfriend.

3. What you are behaving is being a control freak. No person will be able to tolerate such a controlling person.  You better seek some therapy because you are exhibiting very unhealthy behavior.

4. I foresee, you will fail in many relationship if you don't seek some form of help.

5. There are such things as morbid jealousy.

6. You had painted a very idealistic and lovely picture in your mind of how you two are suitable for each other. Any 'nice' actions towards you by him will let you all mushy and anything that you see about his friendliness to others and you will treat those people as enemies. THAT IS VERY UNHEALTHY and SICK!

7. If you continue to harbour such thoughts to your colleagues, you will eventually imagine he is already yours, but in actual fact. It's just all in your mind. And that is where you will fall deeper into your own twisted fantasy and eventually, you will do something very stupid (one of these days) which will lead you to a road of regret and self loath.

 

You are already display many negative aspect of a controlling and someone which might develop morbid jealousy.

Go get help soon before it's too late.

[Mameha]

On 9/29/2021 at 5:38 PM, Guest Guest said:

Did you jerk off with you picturing him making love to you?

Actually sorri to disappoint you, but nope. Not everything is sexual. I just enjoy his company. 

[Mameha]

On 9/29/2021 at 8:58 PM, GachiMuchi said:

 

 

1. He Does NOT Belongs to you, to begin with.

2. He is not even your boyfriend.

3. What you are behaving is being a control freak. No person will be able to tolerate such a controlling person.  You better seek some therapy because you are exhibiting very unhealthy behavior.

4. I foresee, you will fail in many relationship if you don't seek some form of help.

5. There are such things as morbid jealousy.

6. You had painted a very idealistic and lovely picture in your mind of how you two are suitable for each other. Any 'nice' actions towards you by him will let you all mushy and anything that you see about his friendliness to others and you will treat those people as enemies. THAT IS VERY UNHEALTHY and SICK!

7. If you continue to harbour such thoughts to your colleagues, you will eventually imagine he is already yours, but in actual fact. It's just all in your mind. And that is where you will fall deeper into your own twisted fantasy and eventually, you will do something very stupid (one of these days) which will lead you to a road of regret and self loath.

 

You are already display many negative aspect of a controlling and someone which might develop morbid jealousy.

Go get help soon before it's too late.

Ouch this is harsh. But thanks for the feedback, will make sure i dont head towards there!

[Guest Guest]

On 9/30/2021 at 10:40 PM, Mameha said:

Ouch this is harsh. But thanks for the feedback, will make sure i dont head towards there!

Put it this way, do you want your office colleague to treat you nicely or not, so if someone treat you nicely then you think it is because they like you or have some intention to get close to you, then actually you telling people not to treat you nicely as when people treat you nicely you will interpret it that way.

 

The way i see it, he is just a nice and friendly person, he being nice and friendly towards people [not only you] has no other intention at all.  It is just your fantasy when you like someone so much and they are being nice towards you.

[G_ZK]

test him out by asking him:

1. to go for a swim together

2. go gym together

3. talk about dramas or movies with gay scenes.

4. get his views on pink dot (can say one of my friend attended and is curious whether there is such things in melbourne)

5. jio him to eat at Tanjong Pagar area, purposely walk past those LGBT bars and ask whether he came here before.

6. ask to go his house for dining, saying its safer now.

look out for his body language and reactions.

there are so many ways to test a friend out.

[Guest Guest]

On 10/1/2021 at 10:24 AM, G_ZK said:

test him out by asking him:

1. to go for a swim together

2. go gym together

3. talk about dramas or movies with gay scenes.

4. get his views on pink dot (can say one of my friend attended and is curious whether there is such things in melbourne)

5. jio him to eat at Tanjong Pagar area, purposely walk past those LGBT bars and ask whether he came here before.

6. ask to go his house for dining, saying its safer now.

look out for his body language and reactions.

there are so many ways to test a friend out.

Actually there are many ways to make people dont want to be your friend anymore, if the test fail.

[G_ZK]

On 10/1/2021 at 10:43 AM, Guest Guest said:

Actually there are many ways to make people dont want to be your friend anymore, if the test fail.

there are so many people out there. so why worried about losing that 1 ‘fair weather friend’?

If you take the chance, you might be able to develop the friendship further. at least it is better than to live in regret later in life, especially when u found out he is gay or bi in future.

Edited October 1, 2021 by G_ZK

[InBangkok]

As others have said, your situation is not unusual. Others have been down that road. Some even torment themselves dreaming of what might be. The problem is that when two people do not know each other and one, in this case you, seems afraid to take any rational steps, nothing can resolve the situation satisfactorily. You will continue going down a road with no end. And as @G_ZKpoints out, you may regret that for a long, long time.

 

I was surprised by this comment in your first post "i really hate myself cos i seriously think he’s str8 as f**k." Why do you hate yourself? For it seems you only "think" but you don't know. So should not one of your first steps be to find that out? Obviously coming out to him is not an option, certainly not at the outset. You also have to remember he has spent his working life (and perhaps also part off his education) in two very different countries and cultures - Australia and Japan. And he's only been back in Singapore for a few months. Even if he is straight, he might not yet have had time to find a girlfriend. If I were you at your age, I'd try to find that out of the way at an early stage. Then you can get on with your life, one way or the other.

 

How to find out? Do you ever go out for drinks or a meal with co-workers? That's a good time to ask a seemingly innocent question, "Have you found a girlfriend in Singapore yet?" You can even pretend to be a bit drunk when you say it! He may not reply truthfully but the answer may give you a clue. Alternatively, when you are chatting within the office, why not invite him to have a snack lunch with you if he's free? Just the two of you. You can start the conversation by mentioning that he is obviously a kind guy because he buys snacks for others in the office. Once you start eating, ask how he finds Singapore in comparison to Australia and Japan. Has it changed much? Ask him for more detail about the jobs he did there and the companies he worked for. Then take the plunge - ask him something like "I guess you must have had a girlfriend in Australia during all those years there." If he says "yes", say something like "She's a lucky girl!" Better than "You're  lucky guy" because the answer gives a small hint that you find him attractive. Keep on that line of conversation. "Do you still keep in touch?" "Any chance she'll join you here?" All this means you absolutely must take the initiative. Do not sit back and let him control the conversation.

 

If there is even a chance he might be interested in you, it's at least possible he might ask where your girlfriend is our do you plan to get married soon? After all, you are pretty close in age. You need an answer for that and I expect you have been asked it before by quite a few people, including your family. Waiting till you get promotion or a better paid job is always a good answer, if somewhat weak when in your 30s. You need a good, believable answer but one that leaves the door open to the fact that you might be more interested in guys than girls. On a future occasion, if talking about girlfriends you can throw in something about how difficult it is to find a girlfriend (work too hard, little free time etc.) and you sometimes wonder if you might be bi but don't know. Difficult, but remember this will be at a later lunch. By the end of that first lunch, though, you can finish by saying, "Thanks so much for joining me for lunch. I really enjoyed it. Let's do it again some time."

 

Keep your wits about you and pay close attention to everything he says. At the very least you are likely to be a little closer to finding out the answer to the problem that is eating away at you. Hope this helps.

Edited October 1, 2021 by InBangkok

[fab]

Ts, the harsh fact is even if he's gay, he doesn’t necessary have to fall for you. 

 

Love has to be mutual.  If he shows no interest in u, move on.

 

If he doesn't like u, everything u do is futile. If he likes u, he will do everything for you.  

Edited December 14, 2021 by fab

[Guest Mary]

On 9/15/2021 at 10:33 PM, Mameha said:

It took me quite abit of courage to post here. 

i think this is a case of infatuation and i really do hope i can be more rational and get over this soon.

 

I have a new fren at the office. He joined 2 to 3 months back. But i only really took notice of him when we went for drinks with a bunch of co-workers 2 days before my bday (and no we did not celebrate my bday).
 

He is 4 years older than me, but certainly didnt look his age. 

He’s lived in australia for 15 years so he speaks with an aussie slang.

He’s also lived in tokyo for a few years.

He loves watches and recently picked up gardening.

And like me, he’s mostly a vege too.

I know i am putting up quite a bit of details here. But that is because i am secretly hoping that he sees this, and private chat me!

 

So since that drinks session, i really cant get my mind off him. He’s always in my thoughts. I havent felt this way in a long while. But its like those adolescent puppy love/infatuation kind of feeling where he’s always on my mind. I hate it since i know this is 1 sided, but still i cant get him off my mind. And i feel i am too old to have such infatuations!

 

 We have a very busy job nature. So sometimes i noticed when he try to approach me at work, he would back off when i look busy looking at my multiple screens. He sits a few rows away. And in my pockets of free time, i try to steal glances of him. Or get super excited when he private chats me on the company’s chat system. He sits near the entrance but i always walk very quickly past him without making any eye contact with him because i am nervous. I dunno if he noticed that, but i hope he doesnt misunderstand that as me being unapproachable. And worse of all, i get jealous when he seemingly get more friendly with other people, esp girls. I know it is not being rational here, but i am trying very hard not to lose myself as well.

 

i really hate myself cos i seriously think he’s str8 as f**k and that he’s just being friendly to everyone else (western aussie upbringing u know). But i really cant help it. I dont want to be in a situation where i over compromise or over sacrifice myself for something that will not have come into fruition.

 

so i am here to seek help! How shld i approach this situation pls? And how do i get over such meaningless infatuations?

 

thanks in advance for responses!

 

 

infatuation

/ɪnˌfatʃʊˈeɪʃ(ə)n,ɪnˌfatjʊˈeɪʃ(ə)n/

Learn to pronounce

An intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something.

 

1. "he had developed an infatuation with the girl"

 

 

 

[Guest Curious]

On 10/1/2021 at 9:24 AM, G_ZK said:

test him out by asking him:

1. to go for a swim together

2. go gym together

3. talk about dramas or movies with gay scenes.

4. get his views on pink dot (can say one of my friend attended and is curious whether there is such things in melbourne)

5. jio him to eat at Tanjong Pagar area, purposely walk past those LGBT bars and ask whether he came here before.

6. ask to go his house for dining, saying its safer now.

look out for his body language and reactions.

there are so many ways to test a friend out.

i agree with this, but TS should be the one who knows when to stop or when he starts to feel uncomfortable.

[Mameha]

So after so long, i am still infatuated with my colleague. He is not hot honestly, but why? Damn! 😞

[doncoin]

@Mameha like a good geisha, you should be aware of the lines drawn between professional and personal.

 

On 12/13/2021 at 9:36 AM, Mameha said:

So after so long, i am still infatuated with my colleague. He is not hot honestly, but why? Damn! 😞

 

You have to ask yourself that "why?" and perhaps take advantage of the upcoming holidays to go do some soul searching. If he is straight, then you should really just move on. You are only torturing yourself and nothing is worse than this altruistic train of thought, thinking and convincing yourself that is all going to be worth it, and he will see you as this self-sacrificing person, and somehow be moved to fall in love with you. Reality does not work that way. 

 

Honestly, the only way to stop this infatuation is to yield to it. Get it out of your system. Assuming he is straight, as some here have suggested, engage him in some activity that may provide you a better clue to his sexuality. Even if he is gay, it may not mean he is into you. So think about that. Can you handle that rejection? 

[Guest Guest]

It is JUST an infactuation, time is the best antidote. By then you will laugh at yourself for being silly.
 

Focus on your job now, that is more important and deserves your attention. Remind yourself this if those meaningless thoughts hit you again. You will thank yourself in due course. 

[Mameha]

Thanks to all kind souls who shared your thoughts!

 

i agree time will dilute all feelings of infatuation. And i also believe not seeing him will make me feel better.

 

but the thing is, i am seeing him so often these days. So much so that i cant help it but feel so infatuated and miserable. 
 

he’s straight for the record. At least from my own judgement. And he’s not exactly handsome. Just able to speak in some aussie slang. Typical sales person as well. But wth, why am i so heads over heals over him?!

[keyboard]

Have you not have something similar in previous jobs? Usually whatever "good" you have with your colleagues, just fades after you leave the company and joins a new one.

 

Imagine,

you have a duplicate of what you're going through but is coming from a girl towards you. She is secretly xxx (what you mentioned and feel) towards you. How would you feel when you found out?

[Mameha]

On 12/14/2021 at 9:34 PM, keyboard said:

Have you not have something similar in previous jobs? Usually whatever "good" you have with your colleagues, just fades after you leave the company and joins a new one.

 

Imagine,

you have a duplicate of what you're going through but is coming from a girl towards you. She is secretly xxx (what you mentioned and feel) towards you. How would you feel when you found out?

I would be flattered! Oops

[keyboard]

haha. guess my plan backfired.

[singalion]

On 12/14/2021 at 7:05 PM, Mameha said:

Thanks to all kind souls who shared your thoughts!

 

i agree time will dilute all feelings of infatuation. And i also believe not seeing him will make me feel better.

 

but the thing is, i am seeing him so often these days. So much so that i cant help it but feel so infatuated and miserable. 
 

he’s straight for the record. At least from my own judgement. And he’s not exactly handsome. Just able to speak in some aussie slang. Typical sales person as well. But wth, why am i so heads over heals over him?!

 

My advice is short and simple:

 

Just keep your hands off. 

 

After 3 months that passed this Aussie guy never invited you to a drink, dinner or his place. 

 

That should tell you already he doesn't reciprocate your feelings. 

 

And why do you want to chase a collegue. This will only end in trouble,, gossip and burning down your status in the company. 

 

May I ask the reason why you don't make any effort to find a bf outside your work?

 

Just get real! You're wasting your time and life to glamour something that is a dead end avenue from onset. 

 

Get a circle of gay friends outside your work...