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Has he lost interest in me sexually?


Guest ballblues
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Guest ballblues

A few years ago I met a guy for a dinner date, we chatted the whole night and seemed to really click, we even kissed and had a bit of foreplay. I fell hard for him and pursued him but after a few weeks he brushed me off and said he wasn’t interested. I was heartbroken but we kept in regular contact, initially just friends but after a while we also started having sex during our regular meet-ups. We didn’t officially ‘date’, it was more like FWB. Except for a short period when he was officially dating someone else, this continued for a few years. We met frequently, almost every week, for meals or hikes, and without fail on almost every meeting we would also have sex. The chemistry felt very good and it always seemed like he was as keen as I was. He also quite regularly sent me sexually explicit messages (usually he was the one who initiated them) and sometimes we even cammed. After a few years of this ambiguous/FWB situation, he finally told me one day that he had romantic feelings for me, and eventually we officially became BFs. I was overjoyed, I thought things would finally be easier now that my feelings for him were returned. In all those years, my feelings and desire for him never waned, they even grew stronger in some ways as I got to know him better.

The strange thing is though, right around the time that we officially became BFs, his sexual behavior towards me changed quite suddenly. He totally stopped sending me sexually explicit messages, and sometimes when I playfully tried to initiate, he would laugh it off or change the topic. Whereas in the past whenever we met he was eager to have sex, now there are more and more times when he would refuse and say that he’s not in the mood. There have been occasions during sex when he lost his erection and obviously seemed to lose interest. There have been times when we’re naked and I was so turned on but he couldn’t even get hard – and I’m not talking about an erectile dysfunction type situation where the person is in the mood but the body doesn’t cooperate – these were instances when he was clearly not horny at all. When I asked him about it, he would say it’s not me but just that he has a low libido. But how to square that with the fact that until recently he would initiate hour(s) long sexting sessions and didn’t hesitate to arrange meet-ups for sex?

I should clarify that he’s the younger one, and nowhere near andropause age. And during the time we’ve known each other I haven’t changed in physical appearance; I didn’t get fat or anything like that.

I asked him a while back whether it was because he was jerking off a lot, but he claimed at the time that he wasn’t; he said that he would sometimes surf porn but he wouldn’t cum. Only recently when I discovered a new tube of lube at his place then he admitted that he does sometimes jerk off. Which again seemed strange to me because in the past he would use that type of occasion to sext or cam me, but now he seemed secretive about it.

Around the time that we became BFs he also bought some sexy underwear quite different from the type he usually uses, but strangely he never discussed them with me and they didn’t seem targeted at me. I thought that maybe underwear might be a fetish he wanted to explore so I brought up the topic and suggested we go underwear shopping together; I asked him to help me pick out something that would turn him on, but he was so obviously uninterested I dropped the subject. 

These days he’s very affectionate but usually in a non-sexual way. Sometimes it feels like a cartoon romance, strictly PG not R-rated.

What happened? What do you think is going on?

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The story you wrote, real or not, is all about sex, sex, sex.

 

A question that comes to mind is:  The two of you love each other, or is it all sex?   If there are mutual feelings, the relationship is salvageable.  Simply don't worry too much about the sex.  If interest in sex got lost in the rs but there is love.,  then perhaps, if you both agree to it, an OPEN rs. can be the solution.  

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Guest Perhaps brother

You won’t want to fuck your brother. So maybe he treat u as a close brother instead of lover. So he doesn’t want to fuck you anymore. Sometimes something you do not need to explicitly express it. You sense it you feel it you just choose not to admit it. He doesn’t love you as before. 

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Guest I rather watch Porn

I tried very hard to read the entire narrative, to find the sign of LOVE.  There was none to begin.  The whole scenario was painted like a porn movie - SEX from the start and towards the end.

 

If TS just wanted sex, he succeeded from the story.  If he wanted to go deeper into relationship, he failed miserably.  If you kept asking your bf for sex whenever there is a chance to get together,  he will eventually compare you to a hooker and lost interest with you sexually.  If you wanted more out of the relationship, be creative, do something different, target the emotional aspect of his life rather than physical.  

 

Moral of the story.  Behave like a lover, not a hooker.

 

 

 

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Guest ballblues
On 10/23/2021 at 4:25 PM, Guest I rather watch Porn said:

I tried very hard to read the entire narrative, to find the sign of LOVE.  There was none to begin.  The whole scenario was painted like a porn movie - SEX from the start and towards the end.

 

If TS just wanted sex, he succeeded from the story.  If he wanted to go deeper into relationship, he failed miserably.  If you kept asking your bf for sex whenever there is a chance to get together,  he will eventually compare you to a hooker and lost interest with you sexually.  If you wanted more out of the relationship, be creative, do something different, target the emotional aspect of his life rather than physical.  

 

Moral of the story.  Behave like a lover, not a hooker.

 

 

 

 

A relationship is a multi-dimensional thing. Yes there are other loving aspects of our relationship, but those are not the ones that worry me, that’s why there’s not much in there about it. It’s seemingly “all” about the sexual dimension because that’s the troubling part, trying to understand why something that was once so effortless is changing. It’s already a long story to give the background of the physical relationship, let alone all the emotional and other parts. What are you expecting, a regency romance novel? Your reading of the question is so shallow.

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Guest ballblues
On 10/23/2021 at 10:47 AM, Steve5380 said:

The story you wrote, real or not, is all about sex, sex, sex.

 

A question that comes to mind is:  The two of you love each other, or is it all sex?   If there are mutual feelings, the relationship is salvageable.  Simply don't worry too much about the sex.  If interest in sex got lost in the rs but there is love.,  then perhaps, if you both agree to it, an OPEN rs. can be the solution.  

 

Again as with the previous reply, the question is specifically about the sexual dimension of the relationship, that’s why it’s seemingly about “sex, sex, sex”. It doesn’t pretend to be a question about everything in a years-long relationship. How reductive that would be.

 

There might be people who read this and don’t get what’s the issue because to them sex is not an important part of a romantic relationship. Yes I know there are a lot of anti-sex members on BW. For those people who only buy into some Disney ideal of a relationship, holding hands and sleeping in separate beds, don’t waste your time reading my post, you just won’t get it.

 

And to point out the obvious, loss of sexual connection is precisely an issue in a monogamous relationship.

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Guest I rather watch Porn
On 10/23/2021 at 4:48 PM, Guest ballblues said:

 

A relationship is a multi-dimensional thing. Yes there are other loving aspects of our relationship, but those are not the ones that worry me, that’s why there’s not much in there about it. It’s seemingly “all” about the sexual dimension because that’s the troubling part, trying to understand why something that was once so effortless is changing. It’s already a long story to give the background of the physical relationship, let alone all the emotional and other parts. What are you expecting, a regency romance novel? Your reading of the question is so shallow.

You miss the forest for a tree.  Not having sexual interest does not mean no love.   Your thriving  sexual desire and metabolism could be quite different from those of your partner.  Respect his body, don't force on his limitation to provide.   Manage your expectation, and you won't even need to question whether he is "interested" in you.

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Sex is one of the important things in a relationship but it is also NOT the ONLY thing in the relationship. You need to get this idea clear, because as others said, all you seem to ever care about is sex. 

 

There are other ways to show care, concern and love, and sex isn't the only way. You fail to address if he has shown any other ways of communicating that outside of sex. Rather than using sex as a hint, you can also see how he responds to you if you haven't approached him, that is a clearer sign of loss of interest.

 

It's not uncommon for passion to die down after the courship phase, and this happens to hetero couples just as well.

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Guest ballblues
On 10/23/2021 at 5:07 PM, Torrent said:

Sex is one of the important things in a relationship but it is also NOT the ONLY thing in the relationship. You need to get this idea clear, because as others said, all you seem to ever care about is sex. 

 

There are other ways to show care, concern and love, and sex isn't the only way. You fail to address if he has shown any other ways of communicating that outside of sex. Rather than using sex as a hint, you can also see how he responds to you if you haven't approached him, that is a clearer sign of loss of interest.

 

It's not uncommon for passion to die down after the courship phase, and this happens to hetero couples just as well.

 

Again I repeat what I said in my previous reply. The relationship is NOT only about sex, it just so happens that that’s the specific issue I’m worrying about. 

 

I would never claim that a relationship is ONLY about sex, but I will definitely say this: Love, care and concern can be found in many types of relationships, platonic, familial; but generally speaking in our culture sex can ONLY be found in intimate relationships. If your intimate relationship doesn’t fulfill that then you’re shit out of luck, you can’t go to your friends or family to make up the difference; whereas with care and concern you can. That’s the crucial difference; that’s why it’s relevant to bring up a question about the sexual dimension of a relationship in a gay forum. If not a gay forum then I don’t know where.

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Guest Dick Limped reading
On 10/23/2021 at 5:07 PM, Torrent said:

It's not uncommon for passion to die down after the courship phase, and this happens to hetero couples just as well.

Exactly.  A nice warm cuddle on a rainy day,  a light kiss on the cheek before bed, preparing a warm meal together,  tickling each other toe with occasionally tease of verbal jokes are crucial too.  Not like some sex maniac here of wanting sex ALL THE TIME, even when his buddy is down with bad mood or  fever.  Terrible sex preyer.

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On 10/23/2021 at 5:52 PM, Guest ballblues said:

 

Again I repeat what I said in my previous reply. The relationship is NOT only about sex, it just so happens that that’s the specific issue I’m worrying about. 

 

I would never claim that a relationship is ONLY about sex, but I will definitely say this: Love, care and concern can be found in many types of relationships, platonic, familial; but generally speaking in our culture sex can ONLY be found in intimate relationships. If your intimate relationship doesn’t fulfill that then you’re shit out of luck, you can’t go to your friends or family to make up the difference; whereas with care and concern you can. That’s the crucial difference; that’s why it’s relevant to bring up a question about the sexual dimension of a relationship in a gay forum. If not a gay forum then I don’t know where.


Then skip the hints and small talk with him, and bring the main topic to the table. Decide fast if you still want to invest in this rs or end, make it firm.

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On 10/23/2021 at 2:00 AM, Guest ballblues said:

A few years ago I met a guy for a dinner date, we chatted the whole night and seemed to really click, we even kissed and had a bit of foreplay. I fell hard for him and pursued him but after a few weeks he brushed me off and said he wasn’t interested. I was heartbroken but we kept in regular contact, initially just friends but after a while we also started having sex during our regular meet-ups. We didn’t officially ‘date’, it was more like FWB. Except for a short period when he was officially dating someone else, this continued for a few years. We met frequently, almost every week, for meals or hikes, and without fail on almost every meeting we would also have sex. The chemistry felt very good and it always seemed like he was as keen as I was. He also quite regularly sent me sexually explicit messages (usually he was the one who initiated them) and sometimes we even cammed. After a few years of this ambiguous/FWB situation, he finally told me one day that he had romantic feelings for me, and eventually we officially became BFs. I was overjoyed, I thought things would finally be easier now that my feelings for him were returned. In all those years, my feelings and desire for him never waned, they even grew stronger in some ways as I got to know him better.

The strange thing is though, right around the time that we officially became BFs, his sexual behavior towards me changed quite suddenly. He totally stopped sending me sexually explicit messages, and sometimes when I playfully tried to initiate, he would laugh it off or change the topic. Whereas in the past whenever we met he was eager to have sex, now there are more and more times when he would refuse and say that he’s not in the mood. There have been occasions during sex when he lost his erection and obviously seemed to lose interest. There have been times when we’re naked and I was so turned on but he couldn’t even get hard – and I’m not talking about an erectile dysfunction type situation where the person is in the mood but the body doesn’t cooperate – these were instances when he was clearly not horny at all. When I asked him about it, he would say it’s not me but just that he has a low libido. But how to square that with the fact that until recently he would initiate hour(s) long sexting sessions and didn’t hesitate to arrange meet-ups for sex?

I should clarify that he’s the younger one, and nowhere near andropause age. And during the time we’ve known each other I haven’t changed in physical appearance; I didn’t get fat or anything like that.

I asked him a while back whether it was because he was jerking off a lot, but he claimed at the time that he wasn’t; he said that he would sometimes surf porn but he wouldn’t cum. Only recently when I discovered a new tube of lube at his place then he admitted that he does sometimes jerk off. Which again seemed strange to me because in the past he would use that type of occasion to sext or cam me, but now he seemed secretive about it.

Around the time that we became BFs he also bought some sexy underwear quite different from the type he usually uses, but strangely he never discussed them with me and they didn’t seem targeted at me. I thought that maybe underwear might be a fetish he wanted to explore so I brought up the topic and suggested we go underwear shopping together; I asked him to help me pick out something that would turn him on, but he was so obviously uninterested I dropped the subject. 

These days he’s very affectionate but usually in a non-sexual way. Sometimes it feels like a cartoon romance, strictly PG not R-rated.

What happened? What do you think is going on?

Some of the signs e.g. hiding lube, buying sexy underwear without your knowledge, behaving secretive, seemed to point towards him having fun with someone else, in person or on cam. But I can’t say that with any certainty. 
 

and I hate to say this, but he seemed to have lost sexual interest in you. He could still want a loving romantic relationship with you but is enjoying more exciting sex elsewhere. 

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On 10/23/2021 at 11:42 PM, NSA chinese said:

Some of the signs e.g. hiding lube, buying sexy underwear without your knowledge, behaving secretive, seemed to point towards him having fun with someone else, in person or on cam. But I can’t say that with any certainty. 
 

and I hate to say this, but he seemed to have lost sexual interest in you. He could still want a loving romantic relationship with you but is enjoying more exciting sex elsewhere. 

 

I concur. I think the reason he wants u as BF, is becos he does treasure and wants to be with u becos he knows if you are not his bf and he stop having sex with u. Both of u would be nothing. At least now there is love and u will stick around, he can have sex else where. 

 

And he could be tired of being THE TOP, he could be btm for somebody else.

Edited by Ironrod
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On 10/23/2021 at 11:42 PM, NSA chinese said:

Some of the signs e.g. hiding lube, buying sexy underwear without your knowledge, behaving secretive, seemed to point towards him having fun with someone else, in person or on cam. But I can’t say that with any certainty.

 

yes it seems like it. though personally i dun find meeting others on cam 'cheating' but that's another story altogether.

 

but it's not the end, TS. perhaps you need to have a mature conversation with your partner, understand what's wrong instead of assuming this and that. if it's really losing interest in sex, then perhaps you need to ask yourself whether you are okay with an open relationship. the 'terms' of an open relationship differ across many couples. sometimes it may be good to 'explore' before you make any firmed decision.

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On 10/23/2021 at 2:00 AM, Guest ballblues said:

A few years ago I met a guy for a dinner date, we chatted the whole night and seemed to really click, we even kissed and had a bit of foreplay. I fell hard for him and pursued him but after a few weeks he brushed me off and said he wasn’t interested. I was heartbroken but we kept in regular contact, initially just friends but after a while we also started having sex during our regular meet-ups. We didn’t officially ‘date’, it was more like FWB. Except for a short period when he was officially dating someone else, this continued for a few years. We met frequently, almost every week, for meals or hikes, and without fail on almost every meeting we would also have sex. The chemistry felt very good and it always seemed like he was as keen as I was. He also quite regularly sent me sexually explicit messages (usually he was the one who initiated them) and sometimes we even cammed. After a few years of this ambiguous/FWB situation, he finally told me one day that he had romantic feelings for me, and eventually we officially became BFs. I was overjoyed, I thought things would finally be easier now that my feelings for him were returned. In all those years, my feelings and desire for him never waned, they even grew stronger in some ways as I got to know him better.

The strange thing is though, right around the time that we officially became BFs, his sexual behavior towards me changed quite suddenly. He totally stopped sending me sexually explicit messages, and sometimes when I playfully tried to initiate, he would laugh it off or change the topic. Whereas in the past whenever we met he was eager to have sex, now there are more and more times when he would refuse and say that he’s not in the mood. There have been occasions during sex when he lost his erection and obviously seemed to lose interest. There have been times when we’re naked and I was so turned on but he couldn’t even get hard – and I’m not talking about an erectile dysfunction type situation where the person is in the mood but the body doesn’t cooperate – these were instances when he was clearly not horny at all. When I asked him about it, he would say it’s not me but just that he has a low libido. But how to square that with the fact that until recently he would initiate hour(s) long sexting sessions and didn’t hesitate to arrange meet-ups for sex?

I should clarify that he’s the younger one, and nowhere near andropause age. And during the time we’ve known each other I haven’t changed in physical appearance; I didn’t get fat or anything like that.

I asked him a while back whether it was because he was jerking off a lot, but he claimed at the time that he wasn’t; he said that he would sometimes surf porn but he wouldn’t cum. Only recently when I discovered a new tube of lube at his place then he admitted that he does sometimes jerk off. Which again seemed strange to me because in the past he would use that type of occasion to sext or cam me, but now he seemed secretive about it.

Around the time that we became BFs he also bought some sexy underwear quite different from the type he usually uses, but strangely he never discussed them with me and they didn’t seem targeted at me. I thought that maybe underwear might be a fetish he wanted to explore so I brought up the topic and suggested we go underwear shopping together; I asked him to help me pick out something that would turn him on, but he was so obviously uninterested I dropped the subject. 

These days he’s very affectionate but usually in a non-sexual way. Sometimes it feels like a cartoon romance, strictly PG not R-rated.

What happened? What do you think is going on?

 

Bluntly, it sounds to me that he has other sex escapades outside. The hints are the undies and the lube. 

There could also have been a change in top or btm position and you won't match any longer in bed. 

But honestly, you should think long to throw your relationship away. Most couples end up in a sexual drought after some years. It 's just that the thrill is over. 

I think he treasures you as a person and his love to you is still there. 

Either you settle with the type of intimacy you still share (kisses, sleeping cuddling) or you draw the line and end it. But what might you gain? Another bf that lasts sexually for 3- 5 years and sexually declines after that period or being with someone you can share you life and trust him... ?

 

But honestly, I wouldn't end it. you might end up single for the rest of your life. 

 

So , you must make your personal call. 

 

Nobody can say if you should talk about the issue or if you ignore and move on. This is something you have to figure out for yourself. 

 

 

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On 10/25/2021 at 4:03 AM, singalion said:

 

Bluntly, it sounds to me that he has other sex escapades outside. The hints are the undies and the lube. 

There could also have been a change in top or btm position and you won't match any longer in bed. 

But honestly, you should think long to throw your relationship away. Most couples end up in a sexual drought after some years. It 's just that the thrill is over. 

I think he treasures you as a person and his love to you is still there. 

Either you settle with the type of intimacy you still share (kisses, sleeping cuddling) or you draw the line and end it. But what might you gain? Another bf that lasts sexually for 3- 5 years and sexually declines after that period or being with someone you can share you life and trust him... ?

 

But honestly, I wouldn't end it. you might end up single for the rest of your life. 

 

So , you must make your personal call. 

 

Nobody can say if you should talk about the issue or if you ignore and move on. This is something you have to figure out for yourself. 

 

 

so close to heart what u mentioned.

 

tough to let go. yet meaningless to hold tight. and open relationship is not an option (for me)...

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Guest Guest BF

TS, I can understand how u feel because i am similar to ur bf. 
 

I really cannot explain but when I look back at my past and present relationships, it is always the case the I lose sexual interest in my partner after we are together - not immediate but over time - say 1 year into the relationship, I will reject my bf for sex. 
 

I will still look outside for sex but it is something I really cannot explain. The fault is with me and ur bf - nothing to do with u. Perhaps it is a psychological problem - something similar to the case where once you have ‘conquered’ something - you begin to lose interest in it. 

 

Mind u, I still love my bf and I cherish him very much. It’s just the sex compartment is almost dead. 
 

What I did was that i told my bf that he is allowed to have sex outside (since I am unable to give it to him) but to make sure he protects himself. I also told him I am not interested in who he has sex with outside. 
 

With that conversation, our relationship managed to continue and flourish. We are just like very good friends but we hug and kiss. 
 

it’s just that I am not interested to have sex with him - and it is totally my problem. 

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On 11/4/2021 at 11:32 PM, Guest Guest BF said:

TS, I can understand how u feel because i am similar to ur bf. 
 

I really cannot explain but when I look back at my past and present relationships, it is always the case the I lose sexual interest in my partner after we are together - not immediate but over time - say 1 year into the relationship, I will reject my bf for sex. 
 

I will still look outside for sex but it is something I really cannot explain. The fault is with me and ur bf - nothing to do with u. Perhaps it is a psychological problem - something similar to the case where once you have ‘conquered’ something - you begin to lose interest in it. 

 

Mind u, I still love my bf and I cherish him very much. It’s just the sex compartment is almost dead. 
 

What I did was that i told my bf that he is allowed to have sex outside (since I am unable to give it to him) but to make sure he protects himself. I also told him I am not interested in who he has sex with outside. 
 

With that conversation, our relationship managed to continue and flourish. We are just like very good friends but we hug and kiss. 
 

it’s just that I am not interested to have sex with him - and it is totally my problem. 

 

Indeed, there are many gay couples like this ^

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On 10/23/2021 at 2:00 AM, Guest ballblues said:

A few years ago I met a guy for a dinner date, we chatted the whole night and seemed to really click, we even kissed and had a bit of foreplay. I fell hard for him and pursued him but after a few weeks he brushed me off and said he wasn’t interested. I was heartbroken but we kept in regular contact, initially just friends but after a while we also started having sex during our regular meet-ups. We didn’t officially ‘date’, it was more like FWB. Except for a short period when he was officially dating someone else, this continued for a few years. We met frequently, almost every week, for meals or hikes, and without fail on almost every meeting we would also have sex. The chemistry felt very good and it always seemed like he was as keen as I was. He also quite regularly sent me sexually explicit messages (usually he was the one who initiated them) and sometimes we even cammed. After a few years of this ambiguous/FWB situation, he finally told me one day that he had romantic feelings for me, and eventually we officially became BFs. I was overjoyed, I thought things would finally be easier now that my feelings for him were returned. In all those years, my feelings and desire for him never waned, they even grew stronger in some ways as I got to know him better.

The strange thing is though, right around the time that we officially became BFs, his sexual behavior towards me changed quite suddenly. He totally stopped sending me sexually explicit messages, and sometimes when I playfully tried to initiate, he would laugh it off or change the topic. Whereas in the past whenever we met he was eager to have sex, now there are more and more times when he would refuse and say that he’s not in the mood. There have been occasions during sex when he lost his erection and obviously seemed to lose interest. There have been times when we’re naked and I was so turned on but he couldn’t even get hard – and I’m not talking about an erectile dysfunction type situation where the person is in the mood but the body doesn’t cooperate – these were instances when he was clearly not horny at all. When I asked him about it, he would say it’s not me but just that he has a low libido. But how to square that with the fact that until recently he would initiate hour(s) long sexting sessions and didn’t hesitate to arrange meet-ups for sex?

I should clarify that he’s the younger one, and nowhere near andropause age. And during the time we’ve known each other I haven’t changed in physical appearance; I didn’t get fat or anything like that.

I asked him a while back whether it was because he was jerking off a lot, but he claimed at the time that he wasn’t; he said that he would sometimes surf porn but he wouldn’t cum. Only recently when I discovered a new tube of lube at his place then he admitted that he does sometimes jerk off. Which again seemed strange to me because in the past he would use that type of occasion to sext or cam me, but now he seemed secretive about it.

Around the time that we became BFs he also bought some sexy underwear quite different from the type he usually uses, but strangely he never discussed them with me and they didn’t seem targeted at me. I thought that maybe underwear might be a fetish he wanted to explore so I brought up the topic and suggested we go underwear shopping together; I asked him to help me pick out something that would turn him on, but he was so obviously uninterested I dropped the subject. 

These days he’s very affectionate but usually in a non-sexual way. Sometimes it feels like a cartoon romance, strictly PG not R-rated.

What happened? What do you think is going on?

You must be slutty. All men are shameless and wants nothing but sex.  Yiu should revolve around sex all the time and just be his personal whore.

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On 11/4/2021 at 11:32 PM, Guest Guest BF said:

 

With that conversation, our relationship managed to continue and flourish. We are just like very good friends but we hug and kiss. 

Relationship demoted to Good Friend, sign of crackline appearing and Humpty Dumpty won't be the same again. 

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