Toxic Parents

[Justsimple]

Hi all, I am sure I am not the only person who has to live with the fact that we have toxic parents. 

I am just curious how do you cope with this? Please share your views here. Thanks.

[Guest 滥贱 冰冰]

Just give them back the toxicity they give to you, 

 

The trouble is you are too nice and want to use reason and live and kindness P.O.V.   to view the parents situation. 

 

Just take 3 days to observe how the behave , react, and interact. 

 

If they are narcissistic and behave like a animal level.instinct , hentam them back with same behaviour. 

 

If you are good at it, guilt trip them to  hilt, 

 

If not use . 

 

一    哭 ， 

 

二   闹  ， 

 

三   上吊  。

 

 

If they depend on your income ,  blackmail them to say,   if they  闹 闹 and cannot get along with each other and give you hell , you cannot work and earn money , so they will starve. 

 

Use and call the social services and be assigned  a social worker. Get your story and alibi ready. You must get your story recorded as family members torturing you and you need help. 

 

Can u be double faced , 

 

For chinese people,  only money and loss of face can control their behaviour one. 

 

 

If your toxic parents own a company , business , property, shares, equity, a gold mountain . 

 

Suck it up , and buy birdnest and abalone to buy their heart. 

 

If u are low income , play psychological.warfare with toxic family members. 

 

Consider this, if they make you sick, you lose your job, life, money and future. 

 

Your parents are already more than half way past their life and they did not achieve anything,

 

Time to think about your own happiness. 

 

You are act like mentally unhinged to cope too. 

 

Act like you are talking to yourself , imaginary friend, or ignore your toxic parents. 

 

Try all strategies until you find one that works.

[fab]

On 8/7/2022 at 11:15 AM, Justsimple said:

Hi all, I am sure I am not the only person who has to live with the fact that we have toxic parents. 

I am just curious how do you cope with this? Please share your views here. Thanks.

 

Educate them cordially. 

[Guest Guest]

On 8/7/2022 at 11:15 AM, Justsimple said:

Hi all, I am sure I am not the only person who has to live with the fact that we have toxic parents. 

I am just curious how do you cope with this? Please share your views here. Thanks.

 

Toxic parents come in many forms.

Maybe you can be more specific, with examples of their toxic behaviour?

Then we can advise you better.

[Dart]

It's true that some parents are toxic. They carry their negative behavior and often upset their offspring for the slightest reasons. Unfortunately, most children will "inherit" the toxicity and affect people around them. They find it thrilling to upset their neighbors.  

 

Other children, however, with an intuition to differentiate the right from wrong and a conscience to set things right. They are the ones who will go through with an extra huge hurdle, in addition to the already enormous challenges in life. But with faith, perseverance and inner strength, they will overcome and rid the toxicity from within. Bravo to these people!

[auscent]

Stay a distanceee.

 

I also check their views with my good friends, who tend to be more rational.

Edited August 8, 2022 by auscent

[Guest Move out]

Move out. 

If can't, then suck thumb. 

 

So many people able to move out or move country to live a life. 

 

Why singaporean this cannot that cannot. 

Parent fault la. Government fault la. 

Teacher fault la. 

 

Move out. 

Earn money. 

Move out. 

Cut ties. 

 

Or if you still student. Study hard. 

Study in library go home to sleep only. 

Study hard. Get good job. Get paid. Move out ASAP. Rent room. 

 

Foreigner can come to Singapore to work and rent. 

Why local cannot. Why local so baby. 

That Hong Kong actor was right in saying that Singaporean are spoiled. 

[Guest The fight]

My parent believed every problems like war, diseases, crazy people, worsening climate, pandemic are the result of space station intruding the universe.  They also think the stars are not round, but just light and not make of fire.  They said, the earth is not a magnet.  They cannot accept your worldview. Only theirs are correct.  If you insist yours is the correct answer, then they think you are stupid.  What do you think?

 

[Guest guest]

Toxic parents? Can share how toxic are they? I only meet many toxic colleagues and friends.

[Ryuki]

When you are old enough.. u have ur own life .. live ur own life and u decide who u wanna be.. they can't helicopter u forever since u r a grown adults..

[doncoin]

On 8/8/2022 at 11:01 AM, Guest guest said:

Toxic parents? Can share how toxic are they? I only meet many toxic colleagues and friends.

 

 

This may be an extreme example. Many years ago, a friend of mine became a Christian, started going to church, etc. He was raised in the typical traditional Chinese family, practicing ancestor worship, and mixing with Taoism, Buddhism, and probably some level of animalism. Of course, his family was not too happy with his change of religion and the early few years were met with "persecution" from his family, which provided him the outlet to be a martyr for Christ. The moment which I see as super toxic came when he decided to get baptized, and there was major drama, particularly from his mum. She basically threatened him that if he does so, she will "死给你看", basically blackmailing him or emotionally guilt-tripping him with offing herself. 

 

Of course that created conflict with my friend who wanted to be a good son, etc. and so basically he backed off the whole baptism thing. I basically told him that his mother's behavior was toxic when he shared what happened with me. It is that misguided sense of entitlement that she has over her son's life. His change of religion does not really change the relationship they have with each other as mother and son. So whatever fear she has, is unfounded, and basically, she was acting out on some notion that something bad will happen to her if he becomes baptized. 

 

I think the correct thing is, it is not so much that the parents are toxic, it is the behavior that is toxic. Toxicity behavior can happen with anyone surrounding us. Parents, siblings, family, friends, colleagues, etc.

[Steve5380]

On 8/6/2022 at 10:15 PM, Justsimple said:

Hi all, I am sure I am not the only person who has to live with the fact that we have toxic parents. 

I am just curious how do you cope with this? Please share your views here. Thanks.

 

Once we become adults, we can also be full of imperfections, passions and toxicities.  And then one good day doing something passionate, a new creature is born.  Becoming a parent does not erase our imperfections and toxicities. But suddenly a big responsibility descends on us to take care and educate this innocent creature that did not chose to be born, like we may not have chosen to give it life.  This is NOT a perfect situation, a fair situation.  It is a crude situation like so many created by impersonal nature.   The innocent creature has no reason to expect anything that is not the best for him/her.  But, again nature, does not give the creature any choice.  The best that can happen, and not always, is that the parent develops a feeling of love for the creature, and with it an intention to do the best for him/her.   When a parent is usually not even able to do the best for himself, can we expect that he will do it for the creature?

 

It does seldom happen, but the best the creature can do is to realize what I just described,  and tolerate the imperfections of his parents, while taking advantage of any positives that come his way, like:  being fed, dressed, cared if sick, protected from the environment, given the opportunity to learn in schools.  The creature should close his eyes to the imperfection of the parents, of the treatment he receives while it is not abusive, and work hard to improve the probability of having a good future when adult and independent. 

 

No matter how bad our situation is with the parents destiny gave us,  there are children who have it much worse.  And very successful people came out from these worse cases. 

. 

Edited January 28, 2023 by Steve5380

[drektster]

toxic parents are usually passed down from generations of bad culture and tradition practices. sometimes it could be an uneventful incident which happens to an ancestor which happens decade if not centuries ago.

if one study closely and analyse behaviour of different culture without bias. one can usually see a pattern. that is the purpose of domination via restriction of behavior and practice. it is still in practice today.  we cannot break the cycle unless someone in the family decided not to impose to the next generation. but old habit dies hard.

every culture has fear in their next generation forsaking the tradition, because they wants to enjoy what the previous generation enjoyed.

Edited January 30, 2023 by drektster

[drektster]

On 1/29/2023 at 4:18 AM, doncoin said:

 

 

This may be an extreme example. Many years ago, a friend of mine became a Christian, started going to church, etc. He was raised in the typical traditional Chinese family, practicing ancestor worship, and mixing with Taoism, Buddhism, and probably some level of animalism. Of course, his family was not too happy with his change of religion and the early few years were met with "persecution" from his family, which provided him the outlet to be a martyr for Christ. The moment which I see as super toxic came when he decided to get baptized, and there was major drama, particularly from his mum. She basically threatened him that if he does so, she will "死给你看", basically blackmailing him or emotionally guilt-tripping him with offing herself. 

 

Of course that created conflict with my friend who wanted to be a good son, etc. and so basically he backed off the whole baptism thing. I basically told him that his mother's behavior was toxic when he shared what happened with me. It is that misguided sense of entitlement that she has over her son's life. His change of religion does not really change the relationship they have with each other as mother and son. So whatever fear she has, is unfounded, and basically, she was acting out on some notion that something bad will happen to her if he becomes baptized. 

 

I think the correct thing is, it is not so much that the parents are toxic, it is the behavior that is toxic. Toxicity behavior can happen with anyone surrounding us. Parents, siblings, family, friends, colleagues, etc.

actually chinese believe in passing down the fire. if the children change belief, they fear the fire is gone and they will suffer in their afterlife. this is probably due to the political system of china when emperor needs to continuously keep the people in poverty and lack of security. even those who are rich are always brainwash to be obsess with luxury. so that they dun have time to think about overturning the ruler. but this comes with a catch, a slight mistake would have cause a coup.

this is a common thing in asia.

[Guest Simplicity]

On 1/29/2023 at 5:08 AM, Steve5380 said:

 

Once we become adults, we can also be full of imperfections, passions and toxicities.  ......yada yada.....the creature should close his eyes to the imperfection of the parents,

For people with short reading span, your entire lengthy narrative can be simplied into 3 words:  BEAR WITH IT!

 

 

[Steve5380]

1 hour ago, Guest Simplicity said:

For people with short reading span, your entire lengthy narrative can be simplied into 3 words:  BEAR WITH IT!

 

 

 

BEAR with it?  Is this a discussion about toxic parents or about wild animals?  Bears can also be toxic,  very dangerous...

Too much simplicity can be dangerous! 

[Guest Chinese Boy]

55 minutes ago, Steve5380 said:

 

BEAR with it?  Is this a discussion about toxic parents or about wild animals?  Bears can also be toxic,  very dangerous...

 

You are hopelessly inadequate in your comprehension of Simple English.

[Guest Breeder gotta breed]

If parents are doing such a good job, then the world won't be so hungry for daddy love and mommy love. 

 

Parents failed.

So boys, including adults, grow up yearning for daddy love. 

 

 

[Guest Daddy hug me]

15 minutes ago, Sizzler said:

On the other hand, they could have done such a great job that the children pine for them after they are gone

 

Erm. So many young gay boys now longing for daddy love. And their parents still alive le... 

 

My friend 30 only and he says he met a ns boy who want to call him daddy. 

 

I told my friend he doesn't even look like a daddy. Lol

 

Gay man have no experience being a daddy cause their daddy never teach them or show them what is a real daddy like. 

 

Hahaha ha. 

[fab]

Parents are ignorant human beings far from enlightenment.

 

It is hardly surprising that they are toxic. 

 

 

 

[Steve5380]

11 hours ago, Guest Chinese Boy said:

You are hopelessly inadequate in your comprehension of Simple English.

 

Please bear in mind how dangerous and toxic bears can be.   And English is anything but simple!

[doncoin]

14 hours ago, drektster said:

actually chinese believe in passing down the fire. if the children change belief, they fear the fire is gone and they will suffer in their afterlife. this is probably due to the political system of china when emperor needs to continuously keep the people in poverty and lack of security. even those who are rich are always brainwash to be obsess with luxury. so that they dun have time to think about overturning the ruler. but this comes with a catch, a slight mistake would have cause a coup.

this is a common thing in asia.

 

 

Good to know. I always felt bad for my friend to have been bullied into submission. I think his course of action is to wait till after his mum passes away before he gets baptized, and hopefully, she does not make him do some deathbed promise about that. 

 

 

[drektster]

18 minutes ago, doncoin said:

 

 

Good to know. I always felt bad for my friend to have been bullied into submission. I think his course of action is to wait till after his mum passes away before he gets baptized, and hopefully, she does not make him do some deathbed promise about that. 

 

 

for me, it is getting out of a hole just to get into another. 

[drektster]

8 hours ago, Sizzler said:

Parents are never toxic (unless u are talking about the extreme cases where the father rapes or murders the child).

 

I will take all the toxicity in the world if I can have my mum back 

nope, there case studies that people were trap into repeating their parents mistakes without knowing it.

[Steve5380]

20 hours ago, drektster said:

actually chinese believe in passing down the fire. if the children change belief, they fear the fire is gone and they will suffer in their afterlife. this is probably due to the political system of china when emperor needs to continuously keep the people in poverty and lack of security. even those who are rich are always brainwash to be obsess with luxury. so that they dun have time to think about overturning the ruler. but this comes with a catch, a slight mistake would have cause a coup.

this is a common thing in asia.

 

I can't believe that Chinese lack reason and are brain-washed so easily.  Why don't they challenge unfounded beliefs?  Westerners are more agnostic and have been challenging religious and other beliefs for many centuries.   No one of my ancestors would have believed in passing down a fire, losing it and then suffer in an afterlife.

[Guest 122]

My father was physically and emotionally distant and self-involved, my mother was emotional all the time and only in my 30s I realised my mother was also manipulative. 

 

I just disengage and limit social interaction with them, maintain a distance, we don't live in the same city so I don't see them all the time. Just wire them allowance every month.

 

I accept that they were too young when I was born, so they simply followed whatever parenting skills they learnt from my grandparents.

[D.0284]

5 hours ago, Sizzler said:

Uh .. I don't understand what you are saying

for example, someone who grows up in a family which is abusive, might see themselves repeating the abusive behavior. nt knowing that it is wrong.

heard this from the radio based on true cases.there was once a mother who are dominant, so much as that it affected her daughters development. a child development specials accidentally saw that the child was not developing well, and approach her mother to provide advise. the mother brushes the special off until she showed up at the clinic where the special found out that her great grand father were lost at sea during a fishing trip, causing Great granny to be over protective.

the thing followed the family for 4 generation until the specialist found the  issue. she advise the mother to try to control her urge to control to prevent further damage. eventually the mother and daughter moves to europe for a new start. the child grew up healthy and the mother learned to control her urge.

Edited January 31, 2023 by D.0284

[D.0284]

9 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

I can't believe that Chinese lack reason and are brain-washed so easily.  Why don't they challenge unfounded beliefs?  Westerners are more agnostic and have been challenging religious and other beliefs for many centuries.   No one of my ancestors would have believed in passing down a fire, losing it and then suffer in an afterlife.

i think it is not only chinese, all culture has some sort of taboo binding and restricting their thoughts. some are more deeply rooted than others.

for example, the han chinese has a custom that hurting oneself including cutting hair is considered as unfilial, so when the manchurian took over china, they make the hans can their hair and tie into pigtail. as such to signify and ctreate subconciusly that manchurian are greater than the han's parents or ancestors.

Edited January 31, 2023 by D.0284

[D.0284]

6 hours ago, Guest 122 said:

My father was physically and emotionally distant and self-involved, my mother was emotional all the time and only in my 30s I realised my mother was also manipulative. 

 

I just disengage and limit social interaction with them, maintain a distance, we don't live in the same city so I don't see them all the time. Just wire them allowance every month.

 

I accept that they were too young when I was born, so they simply followed whatever parenting skills they learnt from my grandparents.

when i had a child i gone to seek help from parenting workshops, engaging with child development specialist. change a damn load of bad habit. but sometimes i still display my parents bad practices. i distance my son from their grandparents too.

[Steve5380]

7 hours ago, D.0284 said:

when i had a child i gone to seek help from parenting workshops, engaging with child development specialist. change a damn load of bad habit. but sometimes i still display my parents bad practices. i distance my son from their grandparents too.

 

It is so good that you recognize that bad parenting practices are bad parenting practices, and you change them.   Most people don't. 

 

Hopefully your son will be or is already very successful.  There is no higher satisfaction for a good parent to have his child surpass him and be more successful.  This is what I feel with my son.   I was not a bad parent, but he is an extraordinary father of his three children.  He takes away time from his medical practice, to have more time with his children.  I don't know why I am so fortunate, ha ha!!

[Guest Unloved child]

I do not know what people here  considered as toxic. To me, if your parents behaved like Cinderella's stepmother, then it qualified as toxic.  

[cutejack]

Not only Cinderella step mother. Those parents who don't know how to nurture their children n spoil them with luxury life style. The Way the children behave, u can see how toxic their parents are.

[doncoin]

4 hours ago, Guest Unloved child said:

I do not know what people here  considered as toxic. To me, if your parents behaved like Cinderella's stepmother, then it qualified as toxic.  

 

Toxic behaviors can include things like emotional blackmail, bullying, gaslighting, etc. Only the person on the receiving end can really feel if their experience with the parent or parents is toxic. Like I've shared earlier about my friend who wanted to be baptized. 

 

The mum threatened suicide if he goes through with it. <- emotional blackmail

 

If you get baptized, I'm kicking you out of the flat <- bullying

 

there must be something wrong with you if you want to be a Christian and not be with your family in hell in the afterlife <- gaslighting

 

 

 

 

[Steve5380]

Toxic parents can be one of the things destiny assigns to us.  Like being gay. 

 

And like as gays we can overcome the negatives we find in society and with smartness, determination and work come out ahead of those who don't have this negative, the same can happen with toxic parents.  Like with being gay we are handicapped since birth, the same happens with toxic parents,  but as we grow up we can gain understanding and find ways to cope, and at 18 y.o. we have the right to live free of them and their toxicity. And if there is love,  we can try to continue neutralizing their toxicity and make them better persons.

[D.0284]

8 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

It is so good that you recognize that bad parenting practices are bad parenting practices, and you change them.   Most people don't. 

 

Hopefully your son will be or is already very successful.  There is no higher satisfaction for a good parent to have his child surpass him and be more successful.  This is what I feel with my son.   I was not a bad parent, but he is an extraordinary father of his three children.  He takes away time from his medical practice, to have more time with his children.  I don't know why I am so fortunate, ha ha!!

i has a only child, He is in his teens. my only definition for success is being happy. yet happiness varies for different individual.

[Steve5380]

1 hour ago, D.0284 said:

i has a only child, He is in his teens. my only definition for success is being happy. yet happiness varies for different individual.

 

You can judge if your son is happy now,  but also important at his age is to see that he will be successful and happy... in the future!

 

Is he healthy? Does he well in school?  Is he interested in something for his future? Does he have a hobby?  Does he have a vocation?  Is he sociable? Does he respect you?  You can observe him and see that he does well in all these items, and help him if necessary.

[Guest Productive Contributor]

21 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

This is what I feel with my son.    he is an extraordinary father of his three children.  I don't know why I am so fortunate, ha ha!!

You are not my envy.

[Steve5380]

2 hours ago, Guest Productive Contributor said:

You are not my envy.

 

NOBODY should be your envy.  Envy is a negative feeling that should be suppressed.

 

And nobody deserves to be envied.  We are all insignificant creatures that exist for a very short time. Like fruit flies.

[D.0284]

parenting is a skill. the world is changing in a faster pace than our previous generation.

[PapaBear]

Positive parenting skills are important for the kid(s). If one is not ready to become one yet, it's ok to not have kid(s). It is just crucial for us to really learn how to be a good parent if we someday decide to become one. As that affects a child so very extensively. 😃

[D.0284]

1 hour ago, PapaBear said:

Positive parenting skills are important for the kid(s). If one is not ready to become one yet, it's ok to not have kid(s). It is just crucial for us to really learn how to be a good parent if we someday decide to become one. As that affects a child so very extensively. 😃

no parent can be ready to have kids. we learn along the way. some kids could be autistic, dyslexia, ADHD etc. but it is important to seek professional help when needed.

[grandy]

I have been with a gaslighting family for 25 years. Everything my parents or sister does, i cannot do. The double standard is because I am the youngest.

 

I am sick today. Headache, nauseous since 2 am, and my sister continues to dump her children, at my place. SO she can enjoy peace and quiet at my expense. And she chased me out of the house, since I am working should live alone, so she can have both HDB for her convenience.

 

My mother keeps shouting, hence the children learnt to shout to get their demands. everyone shouting, and this triggers my childhood trauma because it keeps replaying in my head that I keep getting scolded by them every single hour every day.

 

I wonder if gays are created this way.

[Guest Independent Soul]

15 minutes ago, grandy said:

I have been with a gaslighting family for 25 years. Everything my parents or sister does, i cannot do. The double standard is because I am the youngest.

 

I am sick today. Headache, nauseous since 2 am, and my sister continues to dump her children, at my place. SO she can enjoy peace and quiet at my expense. And she chased me out of the house, since I am working should live alone, so she can have both HDB for her convenience.

 

My mother keeps shouting, hence the children learnt to shout to get their demands. everyone shouting, and this triggers my childhood trauma because it keeps replaying in my head that I keep getting scolded by them every single hour every day.

 

I wonder if gays are created this way.

Some gays are more lucky than the others and the reason to stay alone and be independent is more compelling to most gay people with big family members.   At least, we are more lucky to be able to buy our own HDB regardless of its size.   It should be every gay's goal to own their own roof instead of looking for a relationship as priority.