i attempted Suicide twice, a LOVE LETTER to myself:

[1983rophi]

1. the purpose for this post is> i hope i feel better after exposing the lies i believed the past month.
     
2. the intention to start a thread...is because I HAVE FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE that>me being Gay & Being in N.U.H.
   Doctors are bias towards my sexual orientation. i have proof.
    
3. i am sharing my heart out because> so many Gay men have suffered from mental health conditions & i feel being Gay... sometimes i am discriminated. for me it is severe, i'll explain later.
      
4. one question i ask frequently is:
   opening a dating app & SEEING PROFILE PICTURES OF MEN WORKING OUT IN THE GYM or profile-pic of them with a chiseled chest & 6 pack... i am  very very very sick( i suffer endocrine & psychiatric disease from 2015 to now).
   the question is: I AM SO FRAIL IN HEALTH & TO MOST MEN I SEEM TO BE THE WEAKER LINK SO NO ONE WILL DATE ME> BASED ON THE FACT I NEED LONGTERM CARE.
     
5. i feel an URGENT NEED to share because last nite i was Tempted.
   i will share> what triggered me to have .bad thoughts.
    
6. at the end of the day,
   i am a small voice,
   but after sharing... i feel proud.
   Proud of the courage i have shown.
   Proud my niece & nephew> did not lose their Uncle to Suicide.
   Proud i have shown Bravery in identifying the Source of Suicidal Thoughts.
                                                                       
   Proud i have a system of red flags> that informs me> i am mentally unstable & that's when i share with my Dad.
                                                                        
   Proud i identified a Suicide-Tendency & immediately told my Father> "DAD THIS BOTTLE OF Zopiclone, 30 TABLETS INSIDE, PRESCRIBED FOR LONG TERM USE BY THE PSYCHIATRIST AT IMH, PLS HIDE IT FROM ME, i do not want access to it. WEF Today, at 9pm daily, pls take out 2 tablets from the bottle & place it on the table."
                      
   By sharing,
   I wish to tell anyway Gay from age 21yo to 40yo,
   when u reach 42yo, at the prime of your life, you should not live satisfying your sexual urges because ( in my case ) i have learnt the hard way... do not play with fire. 
   if u play with fire...
   who are u going to blame when u are infected?
   
   Today is Tuesday.
   I will write my 2nd Post on Thursday at 5pm.
   I do Dialysis from 5 to 9pm.
   one last thing: pls pls pls do not private-message me... There is enough shit stirring in my life... i will not entertain anyone who wants a private conversation with me... Pls respect my personal space on this forum. Thx, from Jem( yes, that's my real name).
                                               

[1983rophi]

bad news: Dialysis ends in 30 minutes =(
i'll try to share about last nite.
Last month,
i had a sudden urge.

i was using zopiclone, for 5 years. IMH used to give me lorazepam.
according to IMH,
zopiclone is less addictive.

so last month i opened the bottle & then i thought: "WHY DON'T I FOLLOW MARILYN MONROE who died in 1962 at age 36, from overdosing on sleeping pills?
( the reason for marilyn is>i am chasing after a musical on broadway called SMASH.) 
imagine...
taking this pill every nite for 5 years... suddenly i was attacked, so i whatsapp my Uncle( he & my Mom are cousins), & his reply:

"don't be tempted to overdose."

"ask yourself> when u overdose, are u BEING RELILANT?"

"if u choose to act this way the ETHICS COMMITTEE WILL NOT APPROVE YOUR SISTER TO BE A LIVE-KIDNEY-DONOR FOR U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

i will stop here. in my next post... i will describe: what happened to me last nite.
                              

Edited June 10 by 1983rophi
.

[1983rophi]

爸爸妈妈，我刚才被魔鬼袭击了。

让我解释一下。刚才我有点心机=(，并且想到了这个想法：如果我服用过 zopiclone/量安眠药。安眠药过量会导致死亡。医生检查时，我会告诉他：我吃了2片   zopiclone  然后10分钟后我忘了自己吃了2片，然后=)我又吃了2片，然后我就过量了。

医生不会认为这是自杀，而是会宣称：我的死亡是药物中毒造成的。 我每小时都在想活下去的理由=) 。我很害怕：因为精神科医生给我开了这种终身服药的药，而我每天晚上都会吃半片。2片是最大剂量。想象一下我吃了4片：=(

我确认睡着了，不会醒了  所以我才让你把药瓶锁起来。 今天/今晚我很害怕：这么糟糕的念头竟然发生在我身上。我不知道我怎么会如此拼命地隐瞒自杀企图，还让医生以为这是一场意外。我向你坦白：这样你就知道该为我祈祷什么了>我的大脑做过手术，所以有时候我的思维会变得极端。这就是神经外科手术的结果。

the above is Part 1.
i'll continue on Thursday.
Thx for reading, Jem =(

[1983rophi]

i will try my best to translate...Dad & Mom, last nite i had suicidal ideations. i was thinking: if i overdose on zopiclone, when i am at A&E, the doctor will certify me:

self harm.
________________________________

so i had an idea> to fake dying due to drug toxicity> & make it as an accident for my overdose. with this change of perspective>

there is no blame on my behaviour deviating from self-harm & instead... this is my SPIEL: "Doctor, i took 2 zopiclone pills. an hour later i forgot i took 2...& then i took 2 more."

________________________________
i saw: i was manipulative.

i saw the route cause for this behaviour: my attitude towards me having organ failure>     Medical Science is keeping me alive, by going for Dialysis 3 times a week, i am gtg a "TIME EXTENSION similar to the-arcade-car-game-DAYTONA."          
 _______________________________
for those who subscribe to> a higher power. below is what happened to me today at 2pm at church of our saviour. i went to receive prayer. for the past 10 years, this church runs a clinic & after u share... they will pray according to the BIBLE. i shared with them what happened to me last nite. i was so crafty & i did not see that coming. i already had THE THOUGHT OF OVERDOSING implanted into my brain last month & i cannot believe this thought can re-occur ( a month later)    & potentially make me a coward.

 

(current time is 10pm) i forgot to tell u what happened when the Church prayed for me... if u aren't a Christian i ask U to NOT READ BELOW:

1) we cancel the spirit of Death & Suicide, out u go. We pray 4 A Miracle & the kidneys will function." i did not feel a tingling in my body... 

                    

2)next, i shared with them>I felt Dialysis was "a death sentence" & they did Spiritual Warfare 4 me. 

                            

3) Before leaving they told me to: Guard my heart.

2ndly,i

If there is an Incoming attack>Renounce it.

                

4) so W.E.F. 10th June: i will learn to> Guard & Renounce!

____________(ended 10:15pm)___

i will end here. i just finished Dialysis. time to go home & eat dinner. i have my Dad as a lifeline so i am not worried. WE HAVE A PACT: whenever i need help, i will wake him up & share.

bye/nite guys. i will learn to love myself more 😃
 

Edited June 10 by 1983rophi
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[Kentazmania]

dear brother. life is always full of surprises. things will come in good or bad. don't be upset with yourself. things may not be in a good way for u now that doesn't mean u have to take things on your own hands. Remember you are not alone suffering there are others suffering worst then you out there. i myself daily handling patients who are having cancer staged 4 and other diseases. they confide in me and tell me their stories how they survive and some even tell me how they wished they just died early. but after several days knowing me and having a very good conversation i make them think back and they are very proud to have me as their driver for their days in the hospice. some even demand from the hospice to make sure that i pick them every time and some even asked me to be their god son and god grand son. i can y it really hurt me to the heart and I cried Infront of them and asked why they wanted me to be their god son or god grandson even. they all just say to me 1 thing. I have Empathy and I will always tell them no matter how hard your life is now never give up hope when there is a will there is always a way. I also informed them that i don't want anything in return if i became their God Son or God Grandson as this is not a formal thing and I don't wish to interfere in their family inheritance. I've spoken to their real children and they agreed on me being the God son or God Grandson without and inheritance involved.

 

let me share 1 experience i had just last week. 

i had a patient whom i picked to sent to a hospice {unable to share the hospice as its privacy}

total i had to pick up 3 patients.

1 of the patient i picked up and he was the last one. 

i look at him so frail and weak. i asked him uncle are u okay.  

he said to me i not feeling well and he wants to go to the hospice for his medications as well and see the doc.

once he sat down i check his pulse and it was weak so i took out my BP machine from my trunk and check his BP is low.

so i immediately inform the hospice about the patient situation and asked them to prepare a bed at the waiting point.

upon arrival at the Hospice the staff there wasn't ready to pick him up. then that's where his heart stop.

so i immediately shout at the security to pass me the AED while i proceed to do CPR in the car.

The security pass me the AED while calling for the nurse there to assist with the bed that is required 

Once the shocked was delivered by the AED the uncle revive and the nurse and doctor of the hospice thanked me for helping in such a emergency situation.

i told them this is my god grand father please kindly take care of him and the other 2 grandmother's said this is my god grandson to the nurse and doctor.

then the hospice informed me that the uncle survive and will be placed under observation ward for the next few days. 

1 week later i had to pick up the patient and he thanked me so much for saving his life. he even tried to give me a hong bao i said NO. i wont accept money but i accept blessing only. 

i believe if i do good deeds more better blessing can come in a good way. 

 

so brother never think of death never think that the end. there will always someone to support u in ways u can never think of. Never ever lose hope no matter how dark the road is. caused u might not know what lies ahead of the dark path there could glory and hope ahead. u might not know u may recover from any terminal diseases. 

[Steve5380]

A while ago you started a thread "any dialysis patient here?",  and I replied with some advice on how to improve the kidneys with nutrition.  I don't know if you took notice.

 

In YouTube, if you type something like " can end stage renal disease be reversed? "  you get many videos with advices on how to do this.  Wouldn't it be more productive, instead of attempting suicide,  to become an expert in how to recover the function of the one kidney that still works, to follow some of the advice that inspires confidence, and so avoid the need of dialysis if this kidney has a sufficient recovery ?  Please don't put yourself 100% in the hands of doctors,  because conventional medicine needs patients to treat, with dialysis and other ways,  to stay in business.  And this may be one reason why they have no interest that you recover to a point that you don't need them anymore.