Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Short Joke: Chicken and Egg

 

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed

 

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied simle on its face

 

The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off

 

The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: Spent Paycheck

 

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where 's your pay envelope?

 

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

 

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

 

Man: Eight round of drinks.

 

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: Working late

 

It had taken him  several months, but the executive vice-president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

 

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

 

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog".

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: If I were a millionaire

 

"Take a pencil and paper", the teacher said, "and write an essay with a title "If I were a millionaire"

 

Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and foloded his arms.

 

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"

 

 "I'm waiting for my secretary," he repiled.

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: What do you like best about me ....

 

I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me ....

 

"Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my atstounding intellect?"

 

She replied .....

 

"Your sense of humour, dear."

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: Horse-back riding

 

A blonde goes horse-back riding. It starts out slow, but then its starts to gallop.

 

The blonde is enjoying herself. All of sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.

 

The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down.

 

She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: Do you believe in life after ......

 

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

 

"Yes, sir",  the clerk replied.

 

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in  to see you"

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: An apple a day

 

Fred came rushing in to his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed. "Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"

 

"That's what they say," said his Dad.

 

"Well, give me an apple quick? I've just broken the doctor's window!"

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: A young and foolish pilot wanted ....

 

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

 

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

 

Then controller switched the filed lights off and replied" "Guess where?"

 

[worldangel]

Short Joke: The physician

 

The physician writing out a prescription for his hypertensive cardiac patient: "Diazepam 5mg (tranquilizer) TDS"

 

The patient's wife asks , 'Doctor, when are these medicines to be given?"

 

Doctor: "These are to be taken by you. He needs rest"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: BEFORE AND AFTER

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"

"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.

The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"

His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Once upon a time there was a non ...

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Parent-teacher conference

When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

“For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk.”

“I don't understand,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Hallinan, our appointment is tomorrow.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunks

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.

 

First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?"

 

the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: My Best Friend

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. 
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" 

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." 
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. 
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!" 

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Death In The Family

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.

The blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying this time.

The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young woman said to her doctor ...

A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over.' 'What do you mean?' said the doctor.

 

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,' Ow, that hurts.'

 

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.' Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts.'

 

The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?' 'Why yes,' she said. 'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Heavenly Welcome

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. 

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you." 

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive." "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

 

"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! The Heaven himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by the Heaven and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty." 

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cure for lateness

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning.

 

After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

“Boss,” he said, “The pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!”

“That's all fine,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Late Night

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him.

 

"My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us." 

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said. 

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink." 

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?" 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two girls are watching a movie...

Two girls are watching a movie together in a theater.

 

One girl leaned over to the other one and said, "Angie, the man next to me is masturbating!!"

"Just ignore him," replied her friend.

"I can't," she said. "He's using my hand!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light.

 

The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist.

 

The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch.

 

After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped.

 

"About a half a block up the street," the drunk said.

 

"Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?"

 

The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The manager of a large office ...

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just as Skilled

A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.

"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."

"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."

"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."

[worldangel]

Joke: Looking Heavenward

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. 

She went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. 

After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. 

Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. 

The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. 

"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nothing personal....

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been been walking in his sleep since childhood."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A number of new Air-Force recruits ...

A number of new Air-Force recruits were being taken on their first training flight.

The plane had just leveled out after taking off when one of the engines seized up, and another began smoking badly.

Adjusting his parachute, the instructor strove for nonchalance as he made his way to the hatch door.

"Now I want you men to keep perfectly calm," he said, "while I go for help."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Skip a Day

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Have Long Marriages

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Good Advice

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level. 

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! 

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. 

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. 

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands." 
"How come, Grandpa?" I asked. 

"It makes your pecker look bigger." 
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? 

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk walks into a crowded bar ...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After a while, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.

 

She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Seen this?

I had trouble with the idea of turning 50 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age.

 

When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, “Oh no, have you seen this?”

“What?” he asked. “The wrinkles?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Volunteer fire department...

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Language

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.

Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

"A lawyer? Why??"

"We need someone who speaks their language!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Material Damage

A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!

You yuppies are so materialistic, its ridiculous retorted the officer. You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off.

Oh, my Goodness! screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. My Rolex!
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: You Are A Chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. 
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. 

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" 
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." 
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. 

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. 
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Embarrassing Compulsion...

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

Six months later, the man was back.

"Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: French fries

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep.

As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.

He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde and a lawyer are seat...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Black Bra

The Black Bra (as told by a woman) 

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. 

Here's how it all went. 

My engaged friend: 
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. 

The mistress: 
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. 

Then I had to share my story: 
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, 
"What's for dinner, Zorro?" 


 

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman phones up her husband ...

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat... 
Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today" 

Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." 
Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?" 
Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Typical male...

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."

His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He feel silent, and she continued,

"You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will NOT ask for directions."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Finding one of her students making ...

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Little Johnny, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." 

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. 

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. 

The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Good evening, ladies, Sherlock...

Good evening, ladies, Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.

"No," Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. the nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."

The prostitute, he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed, "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it with one hand and pushed her head toward it with them

[worldangel]

Joke: A man with a wooden eye was very ...

A man with a wooden eye was very sensitive about his eye for fear of people making fun of him. One day this man decides to go out and have some fun. So, he goes to a bar and orders a beer.

 

Then, out of the corner of his eye he sees a woman with a flat face. He thinks,” Well, she wouldn't make fun of me because she would understand how I feel."

 

So, he finally gathers up the courage to talk to her, he goes over and asks her, “Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?" And the woman answers, “Would I!!!" (Wood Eye) The man, obviously offended, screams, "flat face!!!" and storms out of the bar.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: While the bar patron savored a...

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Socks...

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.

The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.

The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.

With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "OH MY GOODNESS! You've swallowed my sock!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A compliment....

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"