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Joke: Act of Kindness

 

A man found a defenseless baby squirrel in the woods. He placed the tiny creature inside his shirt to carry it out.

When asked about his act of kindness he said, "No way I could leave this little critter in distress. However, I have a word to the wise, make sure you tighten your belt a notch or two before you toss one in your shirt."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Create Your Own Fun


I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name, he glared at me, and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

But I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Quick, Do Something


A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Strip Down to Your Waist


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma but I'm glad I came."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: My Husband's Vasectomy


"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills," said Edna to Priscilla.

"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.

"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Like A News Bulletin


Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighbourhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected, and usually a disaster."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A Better Health Plan


There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Please Answer the Question


At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,“ he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

There was no answer. The attorney repeated the question. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, “I'm sorry. I thought he was talking to you, judge."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I Can't Pee Anymore


An old man goes to the emergency room. “What seems to be the problem?” he is asked at the desk.

“I can’t pee anymore!”

“Well, how old are you?"

“I am eighty-five-years old.”

“Well then sir, you have peed enough.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Animal Welfare

 

I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."

“That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?”

“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Bearly Escape

 

There’s a guy who’s hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.

The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away.

So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he’s brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn’t reach him. Eventually, the bears went away.

Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.

Each bear was carrying a beaver.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Parrots Can't Keep Secrets

 

A boy came home from school to hear the family parrot say, "Liam never does his homework."

Liam: "Who told you that?"

Polly looked the other way and said nothing..

Liam: "So, mum's the word eh."

Polly: "Oh man, don't tell Mum I told you."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Ocean Snack

 

Two sharks are swimming along in the ocean when they spot a windsurfer.

“Ooh, look, a snack!” cheers up the first one.

The second one nods appreciatively, “And on a nice little plate with even a napkin!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Lesson on Robotics

 

Teacher: "Robotics leader Dr. Finkle Goomba claims working robots will be ready for household use within a year though. He also added, 'They won’t be up to true human capability by that time.'"

Little Johnny: "It won’t work until they get to full capability. There is no way my dad would ever pay for a teenager."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Basketball IQ

 

Moe: I think I will make the High School Basketball team.

Joe: Why do you think that?

Moe: My coach said I have a good basketball IQ.

Joe: I think you misunderstood your coach. He said you had the IQ of a basketball.
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Health Nut

 

After participating in a nutritional-health class, my 16 year-old daughter, Sarah, encouraged her sisters to try whole-grain breads and whole-wheat pasta, and complained if we were having anything that looked too processed.

At dinnertime one evening, she entered the kitchen, spied the food on the plates and boldly asked: "Are those whole-wheat potatoes?"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: His Small Yellow Dog


A man was having a drink in a bar. Beside him was his small yellow dog. Soon another man with a dog came in. This man had a large pit bull and taunted the first man to have the dogs scrap outside for $50.

Finally the man with the small yellow dog agreed. They went outside and the small dog completely pulverized the pit bull. After paying the $50 the owner of the pit bull asked what kind of dog the yellow dog was.

The winner said, "Before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he was an alligator."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Is it True, Dad?


Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I Can't Sell You Arsenic


A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods, "I didn't realize you had a prescription."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Life's Saddest Disappointment


The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class, "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer. Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the first girl, who had threatened to complain to her parents and principal. He said, "Well, Mary, I have three things to tell you. First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I Don't Know Diddly


“Hey,” the hooker said to the passer by, “what can you do about my itchy pussy?”

“Nothing,” said the man. “I don’t know diddly about Japanese cars.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Who's Next


A man walks onto a bar with his pet alligator and says to everyone: "If I place my genitals in this alligators mouth for one minute and take them out unscathed will each of you buy me a drink?"

They all agreed to his challenge. So he took off his pants placed his genitals in the alligator’s mouth and the alligator closed his mouth. Everyone gasped in aw. A minute later he takes a bottle smashes it over the alligators head and the alligator opened its mouth. He took out his genitals and sure enough not a scratch on them. When he is done with his drinks he asks the crowd, "Now would anyone of you dare to do this next?"

And a beautiful woman raises her hand and says, " I will, but don't hit me over the head with a bottle!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: My Wish Is To Live Forever


I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets it's head out of it's ass!"

"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: That's Thoughtful


On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis, that before undressing, he snapped off the light.

Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride.

“That’s thoughtful, darling,” she cooed, “but we’ll need the light on if you want to write thank you notes.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Cut Off Two


This drunk woman stands up on a bar stool and yells, “I don’t screw anybody unless he’s got a twelve inch penis!"

This guy in the corner yells out, “I don’t cut off two inches for anybody!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: This Is A Math Class


The math teacher in 3rd grade class asked Al, "If there are 4 birds in a tree and a hunter shoots down one of them, how many would there be left?"

Al replied, “None, since all the other birds would fly away after the first shot."

The teacher said, "Al, this is a math class. The answer should be four minus one. However I appreciate your imagination."

The boy sought permission from the teacher to ask a question. Al asked," Three beautiful girls were eating an ice cream cone. One is lapping up the ice cream, another is nibbling the cone, and the third is sucking the ice cream from the bottom. Which one of them is married?"

The teacher smiled and replied, " Probably the third one".

Al said, "Miss, the one with the wedding ring is married, but I like your imagination!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Shut Up Kid


One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver. He starts saying things like, "If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster."

The bus driver said, "Shut up, kid!"

Still the boy went on, "If my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant."

"Shut up, kid!"

Still the boy went on, "If my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog."

The bus driver got so mad, and asked, "If your mom was a prostitute, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be?"

The boy answered, “A bus driver.”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: If You Try To Please Everyone


There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such load on a poor little animal.

The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of this story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: So Happy She Screamed


A man nursing the flu was forced to stay home. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a deliveryman or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Do Hearts Have Legs


One fine day at school, the teacher was teaching all the students about the heart. After she had finished she said, “If any one has any doubts about what I have taught please ask."

A boy stands up and asks," Teacher, does the heart have legs?"

She replies, “No it doesn’t. What makes you ask such a question?"

He replies, "Last night when I went into my parent’s bedroom I overheard my dad saying, 'Sweet heart, spread your legs.'"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: In Bed With Two Women


Two friends were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. One man said fondly, “ I had a dream I was on vacation. It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."

“I also had a great dream,” said the other. “I dreamt I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”

His buddy looked over and exhorted, “You had a dream you had two women, and you didn’t call me?"

“Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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