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Joke: I've Tried Everything


A little boy was sitting on the side of a curb and was crying. This old man was passing by, and he stopped and asked the little boy, “My dear boy, why are you crying?”

The little boy looked up at the old man all teary eyed and said, "I've tried everything and I cannot get laid."

The old man looked at the little boy, sat right next to him, and started crying too.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Not Exactly True


A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife, “What’s the problem?”

She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

The husband replies, “Well not exactly, she is the one that suffers, not me.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Number 12

 

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.

"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

"You're under 21," replies the barman.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Get Me Out

 

David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock. When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called.

A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"

"Don't worry," David replied, "maintenance should be sending somebody."

"They did," said the voice.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Proper Table Etiquette

 

Two guys were sitting at the bar. One of them said, “A lady has invited me to brunch tomorrow but I know nothing of proper table etiquette."

“What do you want to know?" asked the other one.

“Well, um… for example what goes better with waffles, red or white wine?”

"Is it too late to cancel?"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Used To Be Friends

 

Mom: Son, why don’t you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs, and is an alcoholic?

Mom: Of course not.

Son: Well, neither would he.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Bread Winner

 

Wife: Honey, I saved $1 off on a loaf of bread!

Husband: That’s fantastic! How did you do that?

Wife: Well, I bought a 10lbs bag of birdseed.

Husband: But we don’t have any birds.

Wife: Yes I know but the birdseed came with 50 cents off dog food coupon that I used to buy dog food.

Husband (frustratedly): WE DON’T HAVE ANY DOGS EITHER!!!

Wife: I KNOW! But the dog food came with $1 off bread coupon!

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Entertaining Guests

 

After dinner one evening, the President was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano.

At one point he turned to the visitor and said, "I understand you love music?"

"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never, your mind, you keep right on playing..."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Famous Quote

 

Teacher: Eleanor said, "Intelligent people talk about ideas. Regular people talk about current events and lower than average people talk about people."

Little Johnny: No matter what history would have us believe, I respect a teacher that tells it like it is. I had no idea Eleanor was a below average person.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Little Johnny: She was talking about people, right?

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Hard Work

One waiter complained to another, “It took me all morning to fill this salt shaker.”

“Why did it take you so long?” asked the other.

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the salt through those little holes on top?”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Speedy Trial

 

A man was contesting his speeding ticket in front of the judge.

Judge: Sir, it says here that you were speeding 20 miles over the speed limit.

Man: Impossible, your Honor. There’s NO WAY I could have been going that fast!

Judge: Really! Why is that?

Man: Well, my wife was away visiting her parents and after a week of partying, I was on my way to pick her up. The house was a mess, I hadn’t done any dishes, the bed wasn’t made in a week and there were pizza boxes all over the house. Now let me ask you, your Honor, do you think I’d be speeding to go pick her up?

Judge: Case dismissed!

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Head On Top of Heels


Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they’re like."

"Okay," said his buddy.

"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels."

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: When the Wealthy Widows Visits


When her gardener suddenly took ill, the wealthy widow decided to visit him in the hospital. At the visitor’s desk, she announced, “I’ve come to see Mr. Jones in room two-eleven.”

“Are you his wife?” asked the clerk.

“Certainly not! I would never be married to a gardener!" answered the arrogant widow. “I’m his mistress.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Go Get Your Maw


A rural family took a vacation to Big City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Rectum Stretcher


Early one morning, a rookie cop was on radar duty under a bridge. He observed a red Corvette traveling at a ridiculous speed. Upon pulling the car over he asked the driver, " What's the hurry, Buddy?"

The driver calmly replied, " I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah, what exactly do you do?" asked the cop.

"I’m a Rectum Stretcher," the driver says. "I stick one finger in the rectum, wriggle it around, and then when it's stretched large enough I move on to two fingers and so on until I make the rectum about 6 feet."

"What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass?” the cop inquired.

"Well, apparently you give him a radar gun and tell him to hide under a bridge..."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Not A Place for Spills


This is a place to spill your guts....

Not a place to bust your nuts.........

So keep it nice and keep it neat......

And find another place to beat your meat!

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Put It Back There


A robber walks into a store. He waits until he is alone in the store with the manager. Then pulls out a gun. “Okay,” he says, pointing the pistol at the trembling man, “go over to the cash register and give me all the money.

“All right,” says the man, “All right. I’ll do anything you say. Just please don’t hurt me.”

After the manager has emptied the cash register the crook says, “Okay, pull your pants down and bend over.”

“Oh, no,” says the man, “not that!"

"Just do it,” says the robber. The manager drops his pants, and the crook proceeds to have his way with him. When the robber is finished, he tells the man to turn around. The thief says, “Okay, just one more thing before I leave. Give me a blowjob.”

“No! No! Please, not that! Oh please, no!”

The crook puts the gun to the man’s temple and says, “Do it.” So the guy gets down on his knees and begins giving the robber a blowjob. After a few minutes the thief starts getting carried away and starts moaning and waving his hands around in the air above his head.

The manager suddenly stops and says to the crook, “Say, could you please put than gun back up to my head in case one of my friends walks in?”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Give Your Best Friend A Call


Two friends are having drinks and talking about their vivid dreams. “Last night,” says the first man, “I dreamt I was playing a round of golf at Augusta. It was a gorgeous day and I was shooting the round of my life.”

“That’s amazing,” the second man says. “Last night I dreamt I was in bed with two women.”

“What!” his friend cries, “You had two women and you didn’t even give your best friend a call?”

“I did,” explains the second man, “but your wife told me you were out golfing.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Windows Open at Night


"My dad says that when we sleep at night, we should have all the windows open."

"And what's your dad's job? Is he a doctor?"

"No, he's a thief. "My dad says that when we sleep at night, we should have all the windows open."

"And what's your dad's job? Is he a doctor?"

"No, he's a thief."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: My Testicles


A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught, so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back?!?!?!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Gay Joke: Aroused

 

My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6-year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!"

 

The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. So, I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: How Dare You In Front of My Wife


While eating a local diner, Mr. And Mrs. Mars exchanged horrified looks as the trucker sitting next to them lets out an enormous belch.

Indignantly tapping him on the shoulder, Mr. Mars says, “How dare you belch like that before my wife!

Looking up from his soup, the trucker says, “Sorry. I didn’t know it was her turn.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Time for the Pearls


The newlyweds undressed and got into bed. “Sweetheart,” asked the new wife. “Could you please hand me that jar of Vaseline over there?”

“Baby, you aren’t going to need any Vaseline,” he growled amorously. But at her insistence he handed it over, and she proceeded to smear it liberally all over her crotch. After watching this procedure, the husband asked the wife a favour. “Remember that long string of pearls I gave your for an engagement present? Could you get them out of the bureau for me?”

“Of course, love,” replied his bride, “but whatever do you want them for?”

“Well,” he explained, looking at the Vaseline smeared all over her, “if you think I’m going into a mess like that without chains, you’re crazy!”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: When It's Better to Spil


An oldman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get... Parkinson's or Alzheimer?"

The oldman answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Missing Diaphragm


A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early-afternoon quickie. “Don’t worry,” he assures her, “my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.”

As things get hot and heavy, the secretary reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!”

“No problem,” he replies, “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.”

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in fury. “That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Going Down In Flames


A pilot is having dinner with a brunette and when they finish, they head to a hotel. He calls room service and asks for a bottle of red wine. When it arrives, he opens the bottle and puts some of the wine on the brunette’s lips and then starts kissing her. She asks what he’s doing and he replies, “When I have read meat, I must have red wine.”

“Ooohh,” she says. A little later he calls room service again and orders some white wine. It arrives in a few moments and he begins to splash it on the girl's breasts and then starts kissing them. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, “When I have white meat, I must have white wine.”

“Ooohh, she says. Eventually, he works his way down, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff, and lights it on fire. “Aahhh! Why the hell did you do that?" she yells.

“When I go down, I want to go down in flames!” he replies.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Where Is Her Heart


A ninety-year-old woman decides that she’s seen and done everything, and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she comes to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method is to shoot herself through the heart.

The trouble is she isn’t certain about exactly where her heart is, so she phones her doctor and asks him. He tells her that her heart is located two inches above her left nipple.

So she shoots herself in the left kneecap.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Just Imagine the Fix


“I have nine children and I’ve just found out my husband has never really loved me,” said the distraught woman to her lawyer.

“There, there, my dear,” said the lawyer, trying to reassure her. “Just imagine the fix you would be in today if he had.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: This Is A Math Class


The math teacher in 3rd grade class asked Al, "If there are 4 birds in a tree and a hunter shoots down one of them, how many would there be left?"

Al replied, “None, since all the other birds would fly away after the first shot."

The teacher said, "Al, this is a math class. The answer should be four minus one. However I appreciate your imagination."

The boy sought permission from the teacher to ask a question. Al asked," Three beautiful girls were eating an ice cream cone. One is lapping up the ice cream, another is nibbling the cone, and the third is sucking the ice cream from the bottom. Which one of them is married?"

The teacher smiled and replied, " Probably the third one".

Al said, "Miss, the one with the wedding ring is married, but I like your imagination!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Gay Joke: One for the road

 

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. "Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?"

"My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So, I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?"

The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Building Rome

 

Sarah, the teacher, asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer first.

"Rome was built at night," was his answer.

"At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her boney-knuckled hands. "How ever did you get such an idea?"

"Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a day."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Wife and Mistress

 

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play nine holes of golf. Both men are playing excellently but were often held up by two women in front of them, moving at a very slow pace.

Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about 3/4ths of the way, stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is.

Joe said, “Well, one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress.”

Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women. He was determined to finish his round of golf. He was prepared to ask the ladies to hurry their game. He too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked, "What's wrong?"

“It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Lesbian Joke: A young woman, in the course of ...

A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet.

Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon.

Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"

"Well... yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean lick women down below?"

Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative.

With that, her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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