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Joke: State of the Art Watch


A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Felix the Cat

 

My aunt's neighbour in a big city had a beautiful black cat, named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night.

One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbour searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his wild oats.

Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbours for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to smaller city with us every winter.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Making A Movie Together

 

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.

Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”

DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”

McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Never Look a Gift Pie in the Mouth

 

There once was a butcher named Herman who was famous for his fresh made turkey pies. Customers used to come from miles away to taste his pies. However, after a while, they had noticed that the pies didn't taste quite as good as they used to.

Hoping to get to the bottom of this matter, a customer approaches Herman one day and says, "Herman, I've noticed that lately your pies seem to taste different. Have you changed the recipe?"

"Well, just between you and me," Herman replies. "The pies have been in such high demand that there haven't been enough turkeys to go around, so I've been mixing in a bit of horse meat."

"Horse meat!" the customer echoes in shock. "How much?"

"Oh, about fifty-fifty." Herman replies.

"Fifty-fifty?"

"One horse to one turkey."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Golf Facts

 

Scientific Golf facts:

New golf balls have a strong attraction to water, and the power of the attraction is directly proportionate to how much the balls cost.

With golf, the slow groups are always in front of you and the quick groups are always behind you.

Golf is the only game where the ball lies poorly, and the golfers lie well.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Lots of Trouble

 

An elderly couple were discussing the news, and the husband read from the paper, "It says, 'After the collapse of FTX, Beyonce could be next.' Why would a singer be in trouble?"

The wife blurts back, "It's Binance, you idiot."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Does She Close Her Eyes?


Two buddies at the bar, drinking away, were comparing the sexual behaviour of their spouses. “Hey,” one asked, “does your wife close her eyes when you’re having sex with her?”

“She sure does,” replied the other. “She just can’t stand to watch me having a good time.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: One Way Or Another


A new bride deciding that she had had enough of her husband’s physical attention for a while, attempted to put him off by telling him, “It’s that time of the month.”

When he attempted another route, she said she suffered from diarrhea. A third alternate was met with the excuse of pyorrhea.

Gritting his teeth, the husband muttered, “Blood or mud, I’m riding tonight!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: No Insurance Coverage


The gynaecologist examining Mrs. Reed looks up. “I’m sorry, but removing that vibrator will involve a very lengthy and delicate procedure. We’ll have to admit you to the hospital.”

“I’m sot sure my husband’s insurance will cover it,” Mrs. Reed says. “Why don’t you just replace the batteries and I'll go home?”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Coin Toss Test

 

A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin... writing the answer... flipping the coin... writing the answer.

At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying: "Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?"

The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin: "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Thought I Found the One

 

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one...

But when I went through her drawers and found a nurse's uniform, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I changed my mind.

I figure if she can't hold on to a job, she's not the one for me.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Second Fiddle to a Dog

 

Little Timmy loved his dog Laddie very much; they played together every day and Laddie was always there to greet Timmy when he came home from school.

One day, while Timmy was at school, Laddie crawled under the fence, ran out into the street and was hit by a car and killed. Timmy's mother, naturally, was very distressed, not only by the matter itself but from wondering how she was going to explain this to Timmy. As Timmy walked through the door a few moments later, his mother mustered up her courage to speak to him.

"Son, I have bad news. Laddie is dead."

Timmy paused thoughtfully for a moment, shrugged, then said, "So, what's for lunch, Ma? I'm starved."

"My, what a brave little boy you are!" his mother replies with relief. "You're certainly taking Laddie's death well."

Upon hearing this, Timmy suddenly bursts into tears, his body racking with sobs, and says, "I thought you said Daddy."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Having Some Resolve

 

“Are you making any New Year’s Resolutions?” my friend asked.

“Yes. I’ve resolved to stop playing so much polo,” I remarked.

“Since when have you been playing polo?"

“Never. But I figured that is one resolution I could keep!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A Good Girl and A Nice Girl


What's the difference between a good girl and a nice girl?

A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.

A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: What's With the Shower Caps?


A blonde was walking down the street with shower caps on her tits.

A guy asked her, "Hey, what's with the shower caps?"

"Shower caps?" she responded. "These are booby condoms!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: How's Your Wife?


Two old men are sitting on a park bench. One says, "So how's your wife?"

The other man replies, "I think she's dead."

"You THINK she's dead?"

"Well, the sex is about the same but the dishes are piling up."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Secret is Pumpernickel Bread


Two men are walking on the boardwalk. One says to the other, “I’ve got to run. Have to hurry home to make love with my wife.”

The other man looks astounded. “Make love to your wife? You are as old as I am! Nearly ninety-five years old! What do you mean you have to go home and make love to your wife?"

The first man says, “We have a great sex life. We make love three time a day.”

“You are kidding!” Says the other man. “How do you do it?”

The man whispers to his friend, “Pumpernickel bread. That’s my secret.” And he runs off to meet his wife.

The other man starts to walk home. “Hmmm,” he thinks to himself, “pumpernickel bread. Well, it’s worth a try.” So he goes to a nearby bakery. He goes up the woman at the counter and asks, “Do you have any pumpernickel bread?

“Yes,” she says.

“How much do you have?” asks the old man.

"Oh, we have a few shelves of it,” replied the woman.

“Well,” he says, “give me all the pumpernickel bread you have.”

“All of it?!” she exclaims. “It’ll get hard!”

“How come,” says the man, “everybody knows about this but me?”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Better the State than Federal


During a terrible snowstorm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of 7 million dollars.

“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer. “But I guess we are lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decide to lower all the highways.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Time For A New Career


Doctor Phil had known many interns during his long career, but none ever made as many misdiagnoses as young Charles.

After making the rounds one day, and watching him make a dozen wrong diagnoses, Phil took the intern aside. “Tell me,” the doctor asked, “have your ever considered working somewhere else?”

“Where, for instance?” asked the intern.

“Wall Street,” replied Phil.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Most Suspicious Woman in the World


“My wife is the most suspicious woman in the world,” complained the stressed husband to a sympathetic friend.

“If I come home early, she thinks I’m after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I’ve already had it.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Your Best Friends


Every weekend before she went out on a date, the young girl was told by her mother, “Remember, dear, when he tries to touch you a certain way, a girl’s best friends are her legs.”

Much to her mother’s dismay, however, several weeks later her daughter announced that she was pregnant.

“What! How did it happen? Didn’t I tell you that your best friends are your legs?”

“You did, Mama,” she replied. “But there comes a time when even best friends must part.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Sex with Our Eyes


A young girl is feeling under the weather, so she goes to the family doctor. “Young lady,” says the doctor, “you’re pregnant.”

“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists, and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.”

“Well, my dear,” said the physician, “someone in that colony is cock-eyed.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: You Need More Tail


A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need more tail!”

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Having Some Resolve

 

“Are you making any New Year’s Resolutions?” my friend asked.

“Yes. I’ve resolved to stop playing so much polo,” I remarked.

“Since when have you been playing polo?"

“Never. But I figured that is one resolution I could keep!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Second Fiddle to a Dog

 

Little Timmy loved his dog Laddie very much; they played together every day and Laddie was always there to greet Timmy when he came home from school.

One day, while Timmy was at school, Laddie crawled under the fence, ran out into the street and was hit by a car and killed. Timmy's mother, naturally, was very distressed, not only by the matter itself but from wondering how she was going to explain this to Timmy. As Timmy walked through the door a few moments later, his mother mustered up her courage to speak to him.

"Son, I have bad news. Laddie is dead."

Timmy paused thoughtfully for a moment, shrugged, then said, "So, what's for lunch, Ma? I'm starved."

"My, what a brave little boy you are!" his mother replies with relief. "You're certainly taking Laddie's death well."

Upon hearing this, Timmy suddenly bursts into tears, his body racking with sobs, and says, "I thought you said Daddy."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A Good Girl and A Nice Girl


What's the difference between a good girl and a nice girl?

A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.

A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: What's With the Shower Caps?


A blonde was walking down the street with shower caps on her tits.

A guy asked her, "Hey, what's with the shower caps?"

"Shower caps?" she responded. "These are booby condoms!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: How's Your Wife?


Two old men are sitting on a park bench. One says, "So how's your wife?"

The other man replies, "I think she's dead."

"You THINK she's dead?"

"Well, the sex is about the same but the dishes are piling up."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Secret is Pumpernickel Bread


Two men are walking on the boardwalk. One says to the other, “I’ve got to run. Have to hurry home to make love with my wife.”

The other man looks astounded. “Make love to your wife? You are as old as I am! Nearly ninety-five years old! What do you mean you have to go home and make love to your wife?"

The first man says, “We have a great sex life. We make love three time a day.”

“You are kidding!” Says the other man. “How do you do it?”

The man whispers to his friend, “Pumpernickel bread. That’s my secret.” And he runs off to meet his wife.

The other man starts to walk home. “Hmmm,” he thinks to himself, “pumpernickel bread. Well, it’s worth a try.” So he goes to a nearby bakery. He goes up the woman at the counter and asks, “Do you have any pumpernickel bread?

“Yes,” she says.

“How much do you have?” asks the old man.

"Oh, we have a few shelves of it,” replied the woman.

“Well,” he says, “give me all the pumpernickel bread you have.”

“All of it?!” she exclaims. “It’ll get hard!”

“How come,” says the man, “everybody knows about this but me?”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Time For A New Career


Doctor Phil had known many interns during his long career, but none ever made as many misdiagnoses as young Charles.

After making the rounds one day, and watching him make a dozen wrong diagnoses, Phil took the intern aside. “Tell me,” the doctor asked, “have your ever considered working somewhere else?”

“Where, for instance?” asked the intern.

“Wall Street,” replied Phil.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Most Suspicious Woman in the World


“My wife is the most suspicious woman in the world,” complained the stressed husband to a sympathetic friend.

“If I come home early, she thinks I’m after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I’ve already had it.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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