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Joke: A woman is meeting with her shrink ...


A woman is meeting with her shrink. She confides the following problem.


"I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiancé. My father is a convict. My mother is a Devil worshipper. My brother is in an asylum and I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question:

 

How do I tell my family that my fiancé is a lawyer?"
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Joke: Rabbits vs. Wolves

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of hungry wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.


After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it, or should we stay here for a few days and outnumber them?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Blind date....


"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

Joke: Your car in heaven....

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Christmas Gifts


This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. Thats it.

 

Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine -- because I got her an Xbox.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I don’t have an amazing figure or a flat stomach


I don’t have an amazing figure or a flat stomach. I’m far from being considered a model but, I’m me. I eat food. I have curves. I have more fat than I should. I have scars because I have a history.

 

Some people love me, some like me, some hate me. I have done good. I have done bad. I love my Pj’s and I go without makeup and sometimes don’t get my hair done. I’m random and sometimes I say crazy things. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I am who I am, you can love me or not. I won’t change!

 

And if I love you…I do it with all my Heart! I make no apologies for who I am.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A beautiful, voluptuous woman...


A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynaecologist.


The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.


After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"


"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."


"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.


"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.


Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"


"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: An elderly couple had been experiencing ...

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbour about how much the class helped him.


"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbour.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"


"A rose?" asked the neighbour.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor, we took the memory class from?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A woman awakes during the night...


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

 

He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

 

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

 

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

 

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly.

 

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: On the Farm

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."


"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A magician was working on a cruise ship ...


A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.


Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?


The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.


After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A woman decided to have her portrait  ..


A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."


"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: By the time a Marine pulled into...


By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don’t care where."


"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy, “admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."


The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"


"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.


"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A man awoke one evening to discover ...


A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end, said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.

 

The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well, you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"

 

Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A young man wanted to get his ...


A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.


The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"


She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."


"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Mr. Johnson was overweight, so...


Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

He said, “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.

When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing! the doctor told him. “You did this just by following my instructions?

The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.

From hunger, you mean.

No, replied Mr. Johnson, “from skipping.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A stingy old lawyer who had been...


A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."


After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.


He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.


Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.


"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Employee Motivation

The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'm giving everyone a check for $5,000!”


Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Joke: While shopping for vacation clothes ...


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"


"Better get a bikini," he replied.


"You'd never get it all in one."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Hiring a new assistant

A business was hiring a new assistant. They put out ads everywhere. A couple of days later, a surprise visitor appeared at their office: a dog, holding a newspaper. The dog pointed to the hiring ad with his paw. The manager, though intrigued, was skeptical and decided to challenge the dog:


" I need a someone who can use a computer."


Without hesitation, the dog hopped onto a desk, powered up the computer, and even printed a document.


Impressed, the manager continued, "Okay, but can you work with spreadsheets?"
The dog promptly opened-up Excel, swiftly inputting data and generating graphs.


Nearly speechless, the manager had one last test: "All that's impressive, but can you speak another language?"


The dog replied: "Meow"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Nursery school teacher says to...


Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"


First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Behind the wheel...


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"

"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Joke: No worry

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.

"Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye."

Her husband's best friend says: "Who was it?"

"That was my husband," she replied.

The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.

"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Honest Lawyer


Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyer’s names was Thomas Strange.

 

After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones.

 

Thomas said that he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!" "Why are you going to have that?"
asked his friend.

"Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see...Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say "Oh...That's Strange".

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Raffle prizes...

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

 

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighbourhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Marriage Problems


A man and woman were having marriage problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.


The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I Need A Raise


I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.


My boss asked, "What companies?"


I replied, "Gas, water, and electricity."
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Christmas gift…


A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those new sports cars.”


"She did," he replied, "but where the heck was I going to find a fake convertible?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Three elderly men are taking a...


Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home.

 

The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

 

The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

 

The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Why Men Wear Earrings

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.


This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."


The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."


"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"


"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."  

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: My Cheating Letters

My girlfriend is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her.


Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A cowboy rides into town on Friday ...


A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?

The horses name is Friday
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: All We Can Afford


(Husband to wife) If I could write a check for a million dollars, I could afford to be eccentric.


(Wife) Keep working at it honey, at this point in time you can only afford to be delusional.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A fellow nurse at my hospital ...


A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.


"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.


"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.


"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: One day my friend as...


“One day my friend asked me, how do you take such good care of your saxophone. I responded with tenor, love and care.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A vertically challenged psychic...


A vertically challenged psychic was arrested one day.

 

He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A lawyer walks into a bar. He...


A lawyer walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"


She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at anytime, anywhere -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter one iota."


The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No shit!?! What law firm do you work for?"
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A man goes into a seafood rest...


A man goes into a seafood restaurant and sees a sign that reads: "Big Red Lobster Tails - $1."


Amazed at the value of the offer, he calls a waitress over. "Excuse me," he said. "Is that sign correct?"


"Yes sir," she replied. "It's today's special offer."
"Fantastic," said the man. "But are you sure they're not small?"


"Oh no sir, I can assure you that they are very big."
"Are they out of date then?"


"No, no sir, they are fresh in this morning."
"Well in that case, here's my $1. Fill me up."

The waitress took the $1 coin, sat down beside him and said, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster..."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: It doesn't hurt to take a hard...


It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.


"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Yale

 

The boss looks over the gentleman's resume and says "Wow, I'm impressed.
It seems like you've got everything needed for the job.


But there's a 4-year gap in here.
What happened there?"
The gentleman responds "Oh, that's when I went to Yale."


The boss is now super impressed and hires the man on the spot
The man immediately calls his wife, "Hey honey, I got the yob!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A lawyer was cross-examining the ...


A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said.

 

"I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said.

 

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

 

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: That's One Way to Order Chicken


Kofi walks into a restaurant and wants to order chicken.

 

Unfortunately, English is not his first language and he can't remember how to say chicken in English.


Kofi sees the guy at the table next to him with a plate with 4 boiled eggs on it.


Kofi points to the plate of eggs and says to the waiter, “I want their mother!"
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: You see....


During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

 

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....

"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Terrible news

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer says: "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"

"Give me the bad news first," he says.

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars," his lawyer informs him.

"That's the bad news?" asks the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."


The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Canine tooth

A dog and a cat are having an argument about which one a human prefers.


The dog says, "Humans like us more. They have even named a tooth after us!"


The cat smiles and says, "You are really not going to win this one you know!"

A Termite walks into a bar and says is the bar tender here

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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