Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Are You Laughing About?

Two guys were walking through the jungle and got captured by a group of cannibals. The cannibals put them in a huge pot and start to boil the water. All of a sudden one of the guys started laughing. 

"What are you laughing about?" the other guy says, "We are about to be eaten!" 

And the other man replies, "I peed in their soup!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: 15 Year Old Scotch

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a shot of 15-year-old scotch. The bartender thinks that he doesn’t know the difference, so he gives him a shot of 5-year-old scotch. The guy drinks it and says, "Yuck that isn't 15 year old scotch, that’s 5 year old scotch." 

The bartender thinks to himself, "alright lucky guess". He gives him a shot of 10 year old scotch and the guy drinks it and says, "Nope, that still isn't fifteen year old scotch. That is ten year old scotch, give me a shot of fifteen year old scotch now!" 

So the bartender thinks, "wow this guy knows his scotch" and so he pours him a shot of fifteen year old scotch and the guy drinks it down and says, " Mmmm, that’s the stuff." 

Meanwhile a drunk from across the bar stumbles over the scotch drinker and gives him a shot and says, "Take this!" 

So the scotch drinker takes it and spits it out right away and says, "Yuck, that tastes like piss!" 

The drunk says, "Yea, but how old am I?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Strict Vegetarian

Entering the cannibal village, the missionary took the precaution of informing the chief that he was a strict vegetarian. 

“That’s okay,” said the chief, looking the newcomer over. "Here we all are strict humanitarians."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Will Make You Go Blind

Johnny was 14 and just started jerking off. He loved to jerk off. However, one day his father walked in on him while he was jerking off. 

Johnny was so embarrassed. He quickly pulled up his pants but his dad had already caught him. 

His dad said, "Johnny, doing that will make you go blind." 

"Dad, I'm over here," said Johnny. 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Nice Big Breaths

A woman at the doctor’s office is being examined. The doctor listened to her chest with his stethoscope and said, "Nice big breaths." 

She responded, "Thank you Doctor, but I wish you could have seen them when I was younger."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Easter Dress

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress. 

As she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" 

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a real bitch to iron."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Sex With You

This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. He sits down and notices another guy at the end of the bar. Everything normal about him except his head is the size of a cue ball. So he grabs his beer and approaches the guy. 

"Say, is that a birth defect?" 

"No, I got this fishing." 

"Fishing?" 

"Ya, I was fishing in the ocean when I landed this mermaid. She said if I let her go, she would grant me three wishes. I said fine. Give me a fleet of fishing boats, one million dollars, and I want to have sex with you. Sex? She replied, 'Don’t be silly you can’t have sex with a mermaid, our body parts don’t match.' So I said how about a little head." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Had to Toss A Coin

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. 

"Why are you so late?" his friend asked. 

"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." 

"How long could that have taken you?" 

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lil Red Riding Hood

One day lil red riding hood was walking through the forest when the wolf came out and said, "I'm gonna fuck your lil red socks off!" 

Lil red riding hood said, "No way," and kept on walking. After a while lil red riding hood took a small break from walking. 

The wolf said, "I'm gonna fuck your lil red socks off!" 

Lil red Riding hood replied, "No you ain't," and kept walking on the path. She finally reached her Grandmas House and steped inside. The wolf was waiting for her. 

The wolf stated, "I'm gonna fuck your lil red socks off!" 

Lil red riding hood replied, "The hell you are! You are gonna eat me just like the story goes!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Can Always Use Hot Water

Two blondes are sitting together having a great time and drinking tea. One says to the other after some time, "Oh, I have so much hot water left over and I do not want to waste it. What should I do?" 

The other blonde quickly replies, "Oh, that's easy, you can always use hot water. Just freeze it!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Counting with Fingers

TEACHER: Brian, what's one plus one?

(The kid holds up his fingers and counts two.)

BRIAN: Two 

TEACHER: Good job, what's three plus three?

(The kid holds up his fingers and counts six.)

BRIAN: Six 

TEACHER: Good job, now put your hands in your pocket and tell me what's five plus five? 

(The kid put his hands in his pocket and starts counting in his head and tells the teacher.)

BRIAN: Eleven. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Warning You A woman calls her butler into her bedroom, “Jay,” she says. “Yes, madam?" answers the butler.  “Jay, take off my dress.” “Yes, madam,” he says, and removes the dress.  “Jay, take off my bra.” “Yes, madam,” he says, and he takes off her bra.  “Now, Jay, take off my shoes and stockings.” “Yes, madam,” he says as he removes her shoes and stockings.  “Now,” says the woman, “take off my panties. And I’m warning you, Jay, you’re going to lose your job if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again.”

[worldangel]

Joke: It's the Dampness

A couple in their eighties just got married and is on their honeymoon. In the hotel room she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. 

He's in the bathroom sprucing himself up. She waits and waits until she can't wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom. She giggles, "Honey what are you doing? I'm 86 years old and can't get pregnant anymore." 

He looks up at her and says, "I know, but honey, you know how dampness affects my arthritis." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Just Making Money

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money." 

"Why do you say that?" 

"Listen to this from his bill, 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: If I Had Any Idea

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. 

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. 

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments. 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Automatic Water Mister

The new neighborhood supermarket has an automatic water mister to Keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. 

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. 

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. 

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. 

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore! 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Take What I Owe You

A middle-aged woman took a taxi home, but when she arrived at her destination she discovered that she had no money. 

She lifted up her dress, dropped her panties, and shouted to the cabbie, “How’s about taking out what I owe you in trade?” 

The cabbie looked and said, “Don’t you have anything smaller?” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Can Write You A Check

A desperate mugger approached a lady and told her to hand over all her money. 

When she insisted she hadn’t any, he thrust his hand between her big boobs and began feeling around. 

“I said I did not have any money,” she repeated, “but if you keep that up, I’ll be glad to write you a check.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Banking and Sex

Q. What do banking and having sex have in common? 

A. In both the cases you lose interest after withdrawal.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Couple of Stiff Ones 

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice looking girl behind the wheel. There was a strong liquor smell all over the car. 

"I am going to give you a Breathalyzer test,” he said. “That will show whether or not you are under the influence of alcohol.” 

She blew up the balloon and the cop walked it back to the police car. After a minute or two, he returned to the girl’s car. “Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones,” he said. 

“You mean it shows that too?!?!” she asked, surprised. 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: 300 Miles Away

The phone rang late one night and the wife answered the phone in a tired hushed voice. Her husband listened as he heard his wife reply angrily, "How the heck should I know, it's 300 miles away!" 

She hung up the phone and her husband asked, "Who was that?" 

She said, "Some lady, asking me if the coast was clear!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Faster Firetruck

A firefighter is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a Firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The firefighter says "Hey, little girl, whatcha doing?" 

The little girl says, "I'm a firefighter and this is my fire truck!" 

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the firefighter says. 

"Thanks, mister" says the little girl. 

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the little girl had tied the wagon to the dog's testicles. "Little girl," says the firefighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster." 

The little girl says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren." 

[worldangel]

Joke: I've Lost My Wife

 

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" 

"Why?" she asked. 

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bikini or All-In-One?

While shopping for vacation clothes, a couple passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since his wife had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice. 

"What do you think?" she asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" 

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Money Where Your Mouth Is

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. 

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." 

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." 

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Charge You Fifty Bucks

After stopping his car on a deserted section of town, the young man turned to his date and made some rather expected advances. 

“Just a minute,” the girl said, pushing him away. “I’m really a prostitute and I have to charge you fifty dollars.” After he unwillingly paid her, they made love. Later, the man sat silently at the wheel. “Aren’t we leaving?” the girl asked. 

“Not quite yet,” the young man said. “I’m really a cabdriver and the fare back is fifty dollars."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: My Husband's Vasectomy

"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills," said Edna to Priscilla. 

"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded. 

"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mad Cow Disease

Two cows were talking in the field one day. 

First Cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" 

Second Cow replies, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Cold, Slick, with a Forked Tongue

A baby snake and a baby bunny were playing in a field. Being very young, they didn't know what kind of animals they were. "Let's try to figure it out," said the bunny. 

"OK," said the snake and patted the bunny all over. "You're warm and fuzzy and have a little cotton tail. You must be a bunny!” said the snake. 

"Oh goody, goody. That's what I was hoping I'd be. A cute little bunny!” said the bunny rabbit. "OK, now it's your turn!" 

The bunny then patted the snake all over. "You're cold and slick and you have a forked tongue. You must be a Lawyer!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Whole Finger

A man calls his wife from the Emergency Room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he was working. 

“Oh, my goodness!” cries his wife. “The whole finger?” 

“No,” replies the man, “the one next to it.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Didn't You Like It?

A foolish man is making love to his wife. Afterwards, he says to her, “What’s the matter? Didn’t you like it?” 

She replies, “Of course I liked it. What gave you the idea that I didn’t?” 

“Well, you moved.” 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Dogs Chase Cars

An old couple walks into the bar and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women. The bartender ways to the wife, “Doesn’t it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?” 

“No, no, not really,” the wife says. “I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn’t mean they know how to drive.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You Want To Be Acquitted?

The lawyer was advising his pretty client. “When we go to court I want you to wear a short skirt.” 

“But they are not in style,” she protested. 

“Do you want to be acquitted?” asked the lawyer. “Or do you want to be in style?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cut Out Wednesday

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.

 

After the diagnostic tests show nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. 

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. 

The doctor advises her to, "Cut out Wednesday." 

"I can’t," she says. "That is the only night I’m home with my husband." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Need A Man

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" 

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. 

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Responsible Politician

During a whistle-stop campaign, the presidential candidate’s train hopped the track and ran roughshod through a farmer’s field. 

Several animals were killed and the politician agreed to reimburse him, making it the first and only time a politician took responsibility for the bulls hit. 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The New Viagra

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa, are you going to take that new Viagra?" 

Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not." 

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. 

Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil, if you have no one worth writing to."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: We Don't Know A Thing

 

At a country club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Right away he began flattering her outrageously. 

The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after an hour he seriously proposed marriage. “Look,” she said. “We only met an hour ago. There is no way you could be so sure. We don’t know a thing about each other.” 

“You are wrong,” the young man declared. “For the past seven years I’ve been working in the bank where your father has his business account.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Killed Your Chicken

He accidentally kills his neighbour's chicken. He goes to her house to inform her and he says, "I accidentally killed your chicken, but I am willing to replace it." 

The neighbour looks at him, smiles, and says, "That depends, how many eggs can you lay in a week?”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Woman Is Extremely Hot 

A hot girl walks into the doctor's office and sits down. The doctor sees that the woman is extremely hot. He walks up and wastes no time, he slides his hands up her shirt and starts caressing her boobs and says, "Do you know what I’m doing?" 

She says, "Yes, you are feeling for cancer right?" 

"Yeah, o yeah." 

After that he starts taking off the woman’s pants and starts massaging her thighs and says, "Do you know what I’m doing now?" 

"Yes, you are feeling for cancer right?" 

"Yes, that's exactly it, feeling for cancer." After that he pulls off his pants gets on top of her and says, "Do you know what I’m doing now?" 

She says, "Yes I do! You are checking for genital warts because you know that’s why I came here."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is That You, Frank?

“I think I have finally cured my husband of coming home in the wee hours of the morning,” the wife proudly announced to her friend.

 

“Last night, when I heard him fumbling downstairs, I yelled, ‘Is that you, Frank?'” 

“How has that cured him?” questioned her friend. 

“Well, his name is Ed.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Snake Needs Glasses

A snake’s eyesight is failing so it pays a visit to the optometrist. “It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.” The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. 

A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up. “They are fine,” the snake, answers. “But now I’m being treated for depression.” 

“Depression?” asked the doctor. 

“Yeah, my eyesight cleared up, but it made me realize I’ve been dating a garden hose.”

[worldangel]

Joke: How Did You Catch Him?

A squirrel was tearing up this woman's garden, digging up her carrots and other plants. So she set up a trap, one with apples and the other with nuts. 

The next day the woman shows her neighbor what she caught. The neighbor asked "How did you catch him, by the apples?" 

The woman smiles and says, "Nope... by the nuts."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Sent Him There for an Education

 

“I sent my son to college to get an education,” complained Joseph to Allan, “but all he seems to do is shack up with girls, smoke pot, and have a good time.” 

“Most college students do that today,” replied Allan. 

“That’s the trouble,” snapped Joseph, “I should have kept him home and gone to college myself.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Do You Keep Calling?

A man telephones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." 

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week." 

The next day the same man phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." 

The next day the man calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" 

The man says, "Because I just love hearing it."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Did You Have A Good Time?

 

Elmer comes home at three in the morning. His roommate asks, “Where were you tonight?” 

Elmer says, “I had a date with a pair of Siamese twins.” 

His roommate asks, “Did you have a good time?” 

Elmer says, “Yes and no.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: That's Against the Law

 

A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" 

The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license and they'll throw you and I in jail. Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police." 

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.”

[worldangel]

Joke: What, Floor Please?

 

What floor, please?” asked the hotel elevator operator, and a young man at the back of the car called out, “Ballroom, please.” 

At which the man in front of him turned and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was crowding you.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Better Be A Good Reason

 

The angry wife met her husband at the door.

 

There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

 

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" 

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Hour of Pleasure

The Principal of an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

 

“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question... Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?” 

A girl in the back of the class raises her hand and says, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”