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Joke: $100 Tattoo  


A man wanted a hundred-dollar bill tattooed to his penis. So, he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request. The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request.

The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price. The designer starts the tattoo. In the middle of the job, he asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"

The man replies, "That's personal."

With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer is still intrigued by such a bizarre request, so he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this?"

The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable. Here goes. There are three reasons. First, I like to play with money. Second, I like to watch money grow. Third, and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: How You Earned It A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I

Joke: First sperm   Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, all the other sperms asked him,

Joke: Gourmet Reporter A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe.   He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a

 

Joke: Let Me See Them


An elderly man visits his doctor. “Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit.”

“Very well, let me see your sex organs, please.”

The aged patient replied, "Okay," and stuck out his index finger and his tongue.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: It Was the Fig Leaf


We all know that man was basically damned after eating the forbidden fruit.

What really condemned man to a life of hell was when Eve asked Adam the one question that all married men dread, "Honey, does this fig leaf make me look fat?"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A Fool At Marriage


After a fallout, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you!"

The husband replied, “Yes dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Going Straight to Hell


Managing to pull himself onto the bus early one morning, the drunk stumbled over passengers, knocked over bags and briefcases, and finally fell into a seat beside a prim old woman.

He slumped over her, and she pushed him back. “Mister,” she said indignantly. “I hate to say it, but you are going straight to hell!”

Startled, the drunk leapt to his feet. “Goodness, I’m on the wrong bus!”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: You're Having Twins


The young girl was seated in her doctor’s office. “Our tests indicate that you are pregnant,” said the physician, “and there is every indication that you are going to have twins.”

“But how can that be, doctor?” the girl protested. “I’ve never been out on a double date in my life!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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On 2/3/2021 at 10:24 PM, worldangel said:

Joke: After the Office Party


John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.


After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

Is this the whole joke?

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Joke: Bob, The Neighbour and the $200 


A woman gets out of the bath and puts on a towel. Her husband comes into the bathroom to use the toilet. The doorbell rings. The woman goes to answer it wearing only the towel.

She opens the door to find her next door neighbuor Bob standing on the doorstep. Bob wolf whistles and says, "I'll give you $200 if you drop the towel?"

The woman doesn't want to miss out on $200, so she drops the towel. Bob takes a good look at the naked woman and then says his goodbye and leaves. As the woman closes the door her husband comes down stairs. "Who was that?" he asks.

"It was Bob," she says.

"Oh right, did he give you the $200 that he owes me?"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Very Talented Horse
 

A horse had won a gallop role in a dozen TV Westerns in a single week. He neighed to a colt in the next stall, "All this churning of the midnight oil is wearing me down. I no longer know if I am coming or going."

"You can't continue this way," agreed the colt. "Why not consult your veterinarian? He'll probably prescribe complete rest."

"Not a chance," sighed the horse wearily. "He's also my agent."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Real Punishment
 

A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?"

"Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television."

"That's too bad," the reporter said. "But I do think it's nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime."

"What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That's part of the punishment."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Plane Sight
 

A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, a boring flight isn't it? Take care and have a look here!"

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The airplane pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"

The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: You Don't Need A Man


Stacy is sitting at the bar, talking with her girlfriends about what makes the perfect mate. “The man I marry,” she says, “must be a shining light. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!”

Lisa, the elderly barmaid, overhears this and says, “Honey, it sounds like you don’t need a man. You need a TV!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: What About A Kiss
 

When he was four, my grandson Jacob could hardly wait for his first day of school. That morning he waited anxiously with his mother, Katherine, for the bus to arrive.

The bus arrived and he started up the steps to get on. He heard his mom say something just as he passed the bus driver. With tears in her eyes, Katherine said, "What about a kiss?"

Jacob stopped, retraced a few steps, then promptly kissed the bus driver before he took a seat.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Win A Nobel Peace Prize


A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Peace Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Peace Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Was I Going Too Fast? 


While driving along the highway, a motorist was surprised to see a police officer motioning for him to pull off the road.

The man drove onto the shoulder and rolled down his window. “What’s the matter, officer? Was I going too fast?”

“No, bud – it is your wife! She fell out of the car two exits back!”

The man sighed, “I’ll be! I thought I’d gone deaf!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: His Truck In My Garage


Little Johnny and Suzie play on the swing set every day after school. One day, little Johnny goes home after school and asks his father, "What’s this thing between my legs, daddy?" His father replies, "That's your truck, son. You want to park that in a girl's garage."

The very same day, Suzie goes home and asks her mother, "Mommy, what's this between my legs?" Her mother smiles and replies, "That is your garage, honey. You NEVER want to let a boy park his truck in there."

Both of the kids go to school the next day, and like always, they play on the swing set afterwards. Suzie goes home after a while and her mother is shocked to see blood all over Suzie's face and clothes.

"Suzie, what happened?" she cried.

"Oh nothing, mom. Little Johnny tried to park his truck in my garage, so I bit off his back two tires."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Oops There It Goes


Three girls are sitting on stools at a bar. The 3 of them are arguing on who is the loosest. The first one says, "My boyfriend can put his whole fist in my pussy!"

The second one says, "Oh ya? Well, my boyfriend can put his whole head in my pussy!!"

The two of them then look at the third one, waiting for her to reply. She then looks at them and says, "Oops, there goes the stool..."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Stages of Marital Sex  


The three stages of marital sex:

Honeymoon sex... Where you have sex three or four times a night.

Vacation sex... Where you have sex ten or twelve times a year.

Oral sex… Where you stand on the opposite side of the room and shout 'FU'!

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: 2,000 Pounds of Dynamite


A guy and his date went up to his apartment. The guy takes off his shirt and points to his abs and says, "See, two thousands pounds of dynamite!"

He takes off his pants and points to his thighs and says, "See, two thousands pounds of dynamite!"

He takes off his underwear and the girl screams and picks up her purse and runs out the door. He chases after her and says, "What’s the matter?"

She replies, "I saw two thousands pounds of dynamite without a wick!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Leave Me Alone


Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Caught In A Pickle Slicer


A man who worked at a pickle plant returned home in the early afternoon, much to his wife’s surprise.

“What happened?” she asked. He replied that his penis got caught in a pickle slicer. His wife was sympathetic as she asked what happened to the pickle slicer.

“She got fired too,” he said.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: A Good Little Soldier  


The stylish dressed young man swayed into the Army recruiting office and enlisted.

After subjecting the man to an extensive physical and psychological examination, one of the board members declared, “Well, fella, it looks to me like you are going to make a good little soldier.”

“Fabulous,” replied the young man. “When can I meet him?”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Most Suspicious Woman 


“My wife is the most suspicious woman in the world,” complained the stressed husband to a sympathetic friend.

“If I come home early, she thinks I’m after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I’ve already had it.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Today Is the Viewing


An old man was walking around the nursing home hallway all gloomy. A nurse going by asks, “What is wrong?"

“My penis died,” he replied. The following day the man was walking around with his penis hanging out of his pants.

The nurse asked, "What is going on?"

“Yesterday my penis died, so today's the viewing.”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: We Use Doris


A new recruit joins the French foreign legion, after 6 months he is desperate for sex. He asked an old member, "What do you do for sex around here?"

The man replied, "We use Doris."

"Who's Doris?"

"Camel in the stable."

"Hell no, I'm not that desperate!"

After a year, he can't take it anymore. He walks to the stable, grabs a stool and starts humping the camel.

In walks the old member and looks disgusted. "Uh, you pervert, we use Doris to ride to the Brothel!!!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Has He Tried It?
 

A kindhearted judge was commiserating with the wife. "Your husband really has a problem. Has he ever tried Alcoholics Anonymous?"

"I'm sure he has," she nodded sadly. "That man will drink anything."

 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Let Them Eat Cake
 

A sailor didn't like anything he saw in the mess/food line, so he just picked up a large piece of chocolate cake. The cook asked, "Is that all you're gonna eat?"

The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it doesn't look too appetizing."

The cook smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"

The sailor said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it!"

The cook leaned over and cut the sailor's piece of cake in half.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: I Have A Larger Chest


A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can count higher than all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it's because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''Of course it is, dear.''

The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher than anyone in my class, do you think it's because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!''

The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ''I have a larger chest than all the kids in my class, do you think it's because I am a blonde?''

Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it's because you are eighteen years old."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Police Ride Back
 

To my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grandfather got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help.

"Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?"

The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost," he admitted. "I just got tired of walking."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Magic Lamp
 

A man found a magic lamp with a genie who offered him three wishes.

"For my first wish," he said, "I'd like to be rich."

"Okay, Rich," the genie replied, "what's your second wish?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: New Principal
 

As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.

Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been at previously had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long-time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Bad Loser
 

Terry slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff.

"Boy," said another player disgustingly, "I really hate playing cards with a bad loser."

"He isn't very pleasant," another player said, raking in the chips, "but it's better than playing with a good winner."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Here's Your Phone
 

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think it’s mine?" the ref asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: How's My Driving
 

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.

I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.

"At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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 Joke: Identify the Subject
 

While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question was, “Did you see the defendant at the scene?”

“Yes, from a block away,” the officer answered.

“Was the area well lit?”

“No. It was pretty dark.”

“Then how could you identify the defendant?” I asked, concerned.

Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, “I’d recognize my cousin anywhere.”

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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