Long Distance Relationship + What are the struggles faced in a Long Distance Relationship? (compiled)

[Guest Guest_Rain]

Lately, got to know a pleasant guy in Penang.

He is very sure that I am the one for him and wanting to get commit into a relationship. So am I.

But am confused as to how to manage a long distance relationship..

Been sharing with my friends and most advised to look here..

Any guys have advices to maintaining it ?

[GachiMuchi]

Unless you are prepared to work and stay in Penang or he is prepared to work and stay in Singapore in the future, it will eventually be too taxing financially (phone bills and flights) and stressful for both parties to maintain a Long Distance Relationship (LDR).

Not that it will not work, but it will really put a test / strain to your relationship, especially when it is most crucial in the beginning. When a foundation is not strong, your relationship will surely suffer later due to lack of understanding and bonding.

My advice is don't start unless you are able to do what I mentioned in my opening posting.

[Panda_9791]

Totally agree with gachi_muchi! i had my fair share of LDR and i must say it's really tough. There will always be situations where:

Someone misses someone;

someone is not around;

Someone is pissed;

Someone and someone quarrels;

someone found somebody new;

someone breakdown with Someone;

Someone is sad...

[thaiboyz]

LDR is difficult to substain and it take alot of patience and effort to see each other, say once in many months. The feelings between you guys must be strong and well, trust is even more difficult. Imagine you have a wonderful time with him and then he needs to go home. You would have to wait for few months to see him again. What happened in between ? Unless both of you settled in an open relationship, maybe it can work and hopefully there is no third party coming around. After awhile, feelings will cool off naturally.

[oralb]

1stly how do you feel about relationship?

if your idea of relationship is that you have to share your whole life with, he has to be there for you for the ups and downs, then LDR is not for you.

even if you can afford the phone bills and airtickets, there will be times you wish he be here for you instantly.

if you view relationship as knowing someone is out there caring for you, you are the independent type then maybe LDR can work.

evenutally it just bolt down to how much love you have for him and for long wil this passion last?

[TopChinese]

Guest - you must be tired of hearing all the people above who are telling you how difficult and bad it will be to go for LDR. They are right to point this out to you, it is not going to be easy.

But if you really want to be in a LDR with him, why not? Who are we to tell you what a relationship should be? If you meet him face to face and it works for you, then we're happy for you. Good for you to have found someone at last.

Happy Holidays.

[Guest Guest]

a new term...LDR.....how about LSR...long short relationship..people who are your neighbours..

[GachiMuchi]

There are generally 2 extreme camps of people when relationships is concern; Idealist & Realist.

Idealist :-

1. a person who cherishes or pursues high or noble principles, purposes, goals, etc.

2. a visionary or impractical person.

3. a person who represents things as they might or should be rather than as they are.

4. a writer or artist who treats subjects imaginatively.

5. a person who accepts the doctrines of idealism.

Realist :-

1. a person who tends to view or represent things as they really are.

2. an artist or a writer whose work is characterized by realism.

3. one who is inclined to literal truth and pragmatism.

4. a person who accepts the world as it literally is and deals with it accordingly

Of course, there are also many shades between the Idealist & Realist.

So which of the above is you?

[Rain]

Thanks Guys.

I am arranging a trip to Penang to talk this out with him late Jan 07.

He does has plans to start all over again in SIN and me having plans to move over to PEN to start a bizs and retire there ba..

Whatever, do agree with TC that we need to talk this out face to face..

Though it may be a short term relationship, we should have at least tried and not living in regrets..

Will post again upon my return..

[Guest PrimeTime]

Thanks Guys.

I am arranging a trip to Penang to talk this out with him late Jan 07.

He does has plans to start all over again in SIN and me having plans to move over to PEN to start a bizs and retire there ba..

Whatever, do agree with TC that we need to talk this out face to face..

Though it may be a short term relationship, we should have at least tried and not living in regrets..

Will post again upon my return..

Wishing you all the kindness this world/life can offer you, and your Penang friend.

Love will guide you but of cos, you need to be realistic about the whole situation. I have two friends started with a LDR and both of them are in a long term relationship [about 20 years] now. You must know that the feelings will not be an easy thing to handle initially - there are alot of adjustments. However, when you know what you want, and there is a need for each other, everything will just open up the way you want them to be. With love and faith, there is no space and time.

It sounds to me that you have visualized of a life together, quoting "we should have at least tried and not living in regrets". You have my respect here. Well, Rain, dont chase after the dreams but let the dream be a reality.

Regards.

[worldangel]

So many experts had given you the advise, you might also read the similar topic discussed earlier.

http://bw2.9.forumer.com/index.php?showtopic=565

[SunDevil]

All I can say is, a LDR, straight or gay, is TOUGH! It's even tougher when you guys hit it off the long distance style right from the start. I should know, cos' I am in a LDR for more than 2 years now, and yeah....I did it the long distance style right from the start. If you're to ask me if I would take on a LDR 5 years ago, I would give you a spontaneous "HELL NO!", but life, as always, has its funny ways to make you eat your words, spit them out and eat them again!

Everyone here has raised some very good points on LDR. If you're to look at it, the odds are so stacked against a LDR. The distance is, of course, the killer! There are times when you miss him so much that it hurts. And there are times when you're down in the dumps and he's not there to give you a hug.

Then, there's the issue of trust. If you decide to get into a LDR, I would suggest that you give him some level of trust. Not 100%, maybe 50%. Let him earn the rest of the trust as time goes by. Same goes to you, too.

Prepare yourself to be a weekend traveler. Try to see each other as often as possible. Initially, the excitement of going over to see your bf will be the main motivator. After a while, you begin to wonder why you're doing this. The love for each other will see you through. (Yes...the power of love is that strong! Believe it already!)

You know what? I could actually go on and on and on about LDR...at the end of the day, I believe every person and relationship is unique. You said it yourself...it's better to give it a shot than to regret not trying later. This pretty much sums up the decision that you're gonna make. So, what I really wanna say in this post of mine is really just ALL THE BEST!

"Life is like a box of chocolate, you won't know what you're gonna get" - Forrest Gump

SunDevil

[jazz]

........Though it may be a short term relationship, we should have at least tried and not living in regrets.........

Hi Rain,

I applaud you for taking the very important first step - DISCUSSION :clap:

A relationship is a matter between 2 person.

You should not make any decision alone, especially such a BIG one.

I only want to wish you ALL THE BEST :thumb:

Have more faith in yourself and your other half, that you have the ability to make the "correct" decision (the word correct is in " " because there is NO correct or incorrect decision).

[reflection]

Recently, I discovered that 2 of my friends actually have Thai boy friends when they visit Bangkok. Well, it is a long distance relationship.

In fact, there was a Thai who was once interested to be my boy friend but I rejected him because of his drinking and recreational drug problem.

Well, long distance relationship is an alternative for those who are unable to find one locally. As long as LDR lasts, who are we to judge? It is better to keep options open than to wait for one's hair to turn gray or fall off.

[TopChinese]

LDRs are relationships lite. No fuss no mess. You only have a boyfriend when you're in the same town with him. Otherwise, you're single and free to play around.

If it works for them why not? The trick to make sure that your long distance boyfriend is someone you want to be boyfriends with. IE no money/massage boys...

[Buaya]

I have a friend who has a Thai boyfriend. They had been together for many years... And my friend will visit him on a regular basis. He might have sex with other guys in Singapore, but he draws the line when it comes to the matters of the heart... But I sometimes wonder what is the use of such a long distance relationship...

[GachiMuchi]

During my stay in BKK many years back, I used to hang around DJ during my free time and weekend and have come to know of some local guys who are into LDR with foreigners.

To my surprise, they (some) do not have only 1 bf, some have a few bfs from different countries.

So, unless you are ok with that, I suggest that you bear in mind that the not all LDR works. And you may not be the only bf they are having.

[Panda_9791]

"LDR almost never works!"

I can swear by this statement, kenna twice in LDR, put in effort, still like that... so better not waste time and effort, always find someone local bah

[Guest Guest]

I wun call this thai guys boyfriends or relationships. They are more of fxxk buddies or friends with benefits. These thai guys still have sex with other people when their sg's bf not in thailand.

[Panda_9791]

hai... that's true...

Spore men, where are u....???

[Guest Guest]

Sg men ...? Closeted!

[Andy@Tokyo]

Agreed that LDRs are difficult, esp if u cant meet each other for long period of time.

[fisherman]

I used to have a long distance relationship with a Malaysian guy staying in JB, not very far from singapore but we only meet once a month, sometime he will drove over or i go over, at the beginning still ok.

But as time goes by, we both find it so difficult to maintant, when i need him , he is not around or when he need me, i am not around, we can only call each other everyday, once a while have phone sex.

So finally we make a decision to call off our relationship and remain as friend. I guess there is certain level of difficultities in LDR

[Guest Guest]

if you want to say LDR (long distant relation) rather than to say it is an OFB (overseas fxxk buddy)..... dont be stupid, you wouldnt know how many bf he has in other country also

[Guest Tk]

What is your opinion of having a distance relationship? Will it work out? Ideally, it is good to be together at same location. But what if things won't work out that way.

[Guest -Philip Lim 3.1-]

What is your opinion of having a distance relationship? Will it work out? Ideally, it is good to be together at same location. But what if things won't work out that way.

In certain temporary time (several months to several years depends on individual), it will work if both have strong love and faith of each other, but eventually, the two has to figure it out how to reunion and stay together, otherwise the relationship will turn more to close friend or even broke up.

There is no advantage and disadvantage of distance lover. If you really love someone, you eventually want to stay together with him. Attraction turns to love means finally have life journey together.

Physical Distance will turn to Heart Distance if both side did not make efforts to stay together.

[GachiMuchi]

Long distance r/ship works for some and not for others.

[Guest offline]

i do have friends of Distance Relationship.

it never really turn out well or at most, status quo.

what do you expect when you are down and lonely and worse horny? can you always trust on your righty?

how much could you have possibly know that happened on the other side?

perhaps the criteria for Distance Lover will be:

1. Low sex drive

2. Nerd and non-party animal

3. Discreet

4. Fugly and unwanted

5. Rich enough to call or text you daily

6. Sweet to send you surprise

[Guest confused]

Just feel like letting out some steam. My motions are running wild..

I've been in a long distance relationship with a man way older than me.

We chatted online and met him when he was on a business trip here. We clicked and made it official that we were a couple. A very discreet one.

He went back home and it has been a daily routine to chat through webcam everyday. We meet when we go on holidays out of our home countries.

I like the fact that he tolerates it when I have mood swings (a whole lot of it). He has a very good job but hates it and is only staying on bacause hes worried that he wouldnt be able to meet me physically as often.

He would be coming back in Singapore for business. Am very excited about it. I've already told him that I didnt like staying in the hotel. He agreed. Few days ago, he hesitantly mentioned that he would prefer to stay in the room with me without any sex if i dont want it.

I wanted to have dinner, hang out around SG with him. He says that he doesnt wants to be spotted by his clients. Which i understand because he is here for business. But it breaks my heart. I;ve been waiting to meet him and bring him around and be normal and not care of what people think about us (even though we are in the closet, i;m willing to take a risk to be with him in the open).

I dont know if i should voice out to him abt this again or i should just shut up and suck it in and just be with him. I dont feel great walking out of the hotel everynight alone. I'm just ...

[Guest jcho]

Just feel like letting out some steam. My motions are running wild..

I've been in a long distance relationship with a man way older than me.

We chatted online and met him when he was on a business trip here. We clicked and made it official that we were a couple. A very discreet one.

He went back home and it has been a daily routine to chat through webcam everyday. We meet when we go on holidays out of our home countries.

I like the fact that he tolerates it when I have mood swings (a whole lot of it). He has a very good job but hates it and is only staying on bacause hes worried that he wouldnt be able to meet me physically as often.

He would be coming back in Singapore for business. Am very excited about it. I've already told him that I didnt like staying in the hotel. He agreed. Few days ago, he hesitantly mentioned that he would prefer to stay in the room with me without any sex if i dont want it.

I wanted to have dinner, hang out around SG with him. He says that he doesnt wants to be spotted by his clients. Which i understand because he is here for business. But it breaks my heart. I;ve been waiting to meet him and bring him around and be normal and not care of what people think about us (even though we are in the closet, i;m willing to take a risk to be with him in the open).

I dont know if i should voice out to him abt this again or i should just shut up and suck it in and just be with him. I dont feel great walking out of the hotel everynight alone. I'm just ...

Oops, made a blunder in replying.

To make a relationship works, communication is key and be completely honest with each other.

Don't bottle up your problems... it's painful. It's ok to tell him how you feel.

[doncoin]

The thing about long distance relationship is you need to know when the long distance part will end, unless you are perfectly fine with that arrangement for the rest of your lives. Based on what you've said, it seems that you have reached a point of impasse to both your needs and wants. Perhaps the 2 of you can work out a compromise?

I.e. You will spend half the day in the room doing what he wants, and you spend half the day doing what you want.

Still to get what you want, you need to communicate it. He is not going to read your mind clearly if you stay silent.

Also don't forget about setting the expiration date/time for the long distance part of your relationship.

[Guest My Two Cents]

He has been very clear with what he is able to give in this relationship. Now you must decide is it enough to nurture you?

I understand his concerns about being "outed". I am an expat here and I work in the field of education. I have been living with my partner for 6 yrs in an HDB. Though we try to be discreet it is more than apparent when we are out together that there is a special intimate bond between us. It's just there. We have received Christian hate literature at our front door. This is blatant intimidation tactic and a threat to "out" me in the community. My work place is within 4 bus stops of our house.

Singapore is a "conservative" culture by nature and education follows these traditions. These "gay bashers" hold all the cards and my future hangs in the balance as to if or when the axe will fall.

The outcome might not be that severe but on the other hand the worst case scenario is having to make a life altering change form this side of the world back home.

At this point I'm not willing to risk my future so choose to remain low profile as possible. He might just feel the same about his career.

Best wishes

[Guest confused]

Thanks guys. Will have the chat with today. *fingers crossed*

[tgones]

Hi. I'm here to seek some advise.

2 months ago, i met this guy when i went for a vacation. We met at a mixed bath house and we had great dinner after that.

I never thought that i could meet such a great guy, he's nice, he's funny. And the way he hold my hand ( we're on vacation, so who cares ) so gentle and i can feel full of care, love.

We then spent the night together at the Sauna nearby and truly speaking, i really had a great night.

We still keep in touch after that and he came to Singapore the week after. And yes, we do spent great quality 2 days together.

He even mentioned that he loves me and i really touched, not everyone can utter these words.

The sad moment is when he have to leave Singapore for home. That moment, he said he left his heart here with me and he will come back again.

We still keep in touch after that, actively. We chat online, on phone and we talked basically everything, from love to getting old together ( yes, and sex ).

I'm so impressed that he even take the initiative to call me from overseas.

I thought i have found my other half, and so sure he is the one. I like him a lot too and he's totally my type of guy.

For someone like me who take relationship seriously, i thought i can close my book and work hard so that we can be together someday.

I'm a very choosy person btw( haha........), i can't believe that i have found him.

However, the sweetness only last for one month plus.

Over just one of the weekend, all the sweet talk suddenly all gone.

He no longer want to talk much. Even i ask a question, the answer is just simple.

There's no more i love u in the conversation, no more good night, not even good morning.

I don't know who am i talking with anymore. He's like totally stranger.

He also don't call me anymore, even i asked for it.

When i tried to call, it's never answered and all sort of reason given in.

Our conversation now is just very short.

I tried to ask what happen, but he seems try to avoid the questions and reply he is ok and "have been like that all the while"

I figured that i need to give it up now.

The problem now is me. I can't get him out of my mind.

Every weekend when i wake up, i thought of calling him but later just figured to forget about it as it will never get answered.

Want to chat online also sure the content will be lifeless and serve no points.

Over the past 2 weeks, i lived a really miserable life, i really don't know what to do.

Tried to keep myself busy all the time but still end up missing him every time.

I tried to talk less to him now, just how he tried to talk less to me. But still end up missing him. I feel helpless.

I feel very sad. Someone have given me hope and i'm flying high at one time. But overnight, the hope has been smashed into pieces by the same person.

My heart is also smashed into pieces now.

I do hope that i can find someone else. Someone who i can talk with, share, and specially grow old with.

I'm 31 now but never have an lrt.

Everytime i see other gay couple, i feel sorry for myself.

Frankly, i may have communication problem and i don't have a lot of friend.

So i always lonely.

I even went to Pink Dot alone lately. Hoping to support my community and keep myself busy to forget about him.

I reach there and see everyone are in group or couple.

After awhile, i'm still alone, then realize i looked stupid myself.

So i left the event after only like 10 - 15 mins, going home.

I think i really need help.

[happiness]

how long do u know him before

1. u and he are in a relationship

2. u decide he is the one?

in 1 day? why so rush?

Edited June 22, 2011 by happiness

[shibunu]

Don't mind me asking, which country is he from? Are you a white guy?

Sorry if what I say is going to offend others, but you guys kind of met at a Bath House, so the pre-conception of ONS was already there right?

Let me put it this way to you, you don't just fall in love with someone over the phone and internet chat. It takes lots of time and effort to develop something. Maybe it was infatuation on both parties, but I think it is very simply an issue of money boy meeting potential sugar daddy.

He may have met someone else who is willing and able to provide for him based on the information you have given.

If what you say is that you truly love him, then it is his lost. But you just lost someone that doesn't feel the same about you. So just take things with a pinch of salt and count your blessing for not financially losing your assets.

You have lived so many years without him in your life before you guys met, so I am sure he is not the reason you are going to kill yourself. Most guys have had their hearts broken, and speaking from experience myself, you just have to keep occupied and do things that you enjoy. Surround yourself with friends that care and time will heal the wounds. I never used to believe it, but time really is a miracle drug.

So.... just my 2 cents worth. Don't know if it helped... but just do something about the situation and not let it control you.

[doncoin]

Move on. You will find someone down the road who will say "I love you..." at some point.

One of the biggest lessons I have learnt in life is that long distance tend not to work. I think when you are in a relationship, you want proximity to the other person. It is not worth putting a distance between the other person and yourself.

It is what it is. A short vacation romance. You had it, enjoy of the memory of it, and put it away.

[No Frills Factory Outlet]

Get over it my dear ...

[Featheric]

When I was younger, whenever I met a potential boyfriend...

Which I now classify as tryouts(A relationship that last less than 3 months)....

I would tell myself, this is the one and how he has the qualities I am looking for...

He is this and this and this... and so on... He is so my type.

Then it didn't work out and I was a little surprised.

Then I met the next one...

And I said, This is the one and he is so my type.... and he is so into me...

If this one can betray me... then I can trust no one....

Well... I was wrong.

Wash repeat one or two more times and I realized.

We always think that the one we are starting a relationship and the object of our fascination of the moment is the one. How can it be when more than one has passed by.

It is clearly my mistake in thinking so.

Then I strategised.

I will morph myself to be like the ones people are looking for... in short, I learn from people's charming traits and ways. So that when it didn't work out, I am not without gain and with less regrets. For then I have been more of the one for them, then they are to me.

I no longer need that strategy now as I am fully settled.

Hope this may help you or anyone who may find it useful. Cheers.

[Guest Guest]

Anyone Ever Have Such Relationship Problem?

Many people have... you are just not aware or they don't talk about it.

You are just one among many in a very common situation.

Everyone thinks that he's a winner when he's queuing up for lottery tickets.

Do not whine when you lose... just move on to buy tickets for the next draw until you hit the jackpot,

and that is when you will find that your 'problem' now is not a problem at all!

[thorzguy]

Dear tgones,

Sorry to hear about your relationship woes. Sadly i have to agree strongly with what chelseasian said "A short vacation romance. You had it, enjoy of the memory of it, and put it away."

A relationship is build on communication, mutual understanding and trust. Any of these portion goes missing, it spells potential trouble. Yes, i totally comprehend the feelings you are having now ( i been through that). Only YOU can help yourself. Get yourself busy with work, exercise, social events etc and focus on the positive aspects in life. Time will heal and a better person will definitely comes along.

[waterballoon]

omg that guy sounds kinda like me. u know, the person who's good at talking but loses interest really fast...?

but anyway, get over it. "I love you" is but 3 words, and it's quite stupid honestly to pin your hopes just on that. U should know from the start, that no matter what it is, this is a long distance relationship (if there even was one) and u are not going to make it last if there's no actual effort (i dunno, like flying to see each other, etc)

Next, let's not talk about him or the fact that this is a long distance relationship. in ANY relationship (friendship, love, etc.)... everything dies down after a while. The sweet nothings, the "I love yous", the calling you every day, obviously they fade away with time. Maybe that's why people opt for an open relationship but that's for another story. I believe that things like passion and interest don't drop from the sky... they're things you have to create with your hands, and you will only do that if you really want the relationship. So obviously he's not very interested.

Lastly, like I said, "i love you" is but 3 words... it's quite silly to assume immediately that he's ready or interested in getting in a relationship with u just because he keeps spamming those 3 words. And u had a great vacation with him... so? fxxk it, we can have a great time with anybody but it doesn't automatically mean we're gonna be in a relationship with them.

Anyway, maybe he suddenly realized that it's not very practical to keep calling u (long distance calls ARE expensive), or that it's really not worth it to sustain this... and u just have to accept that and move on. I would even go to the extent of saying that he doesn't owe u an explanation, seeing how he hasn't promised u anything.

But, I hope for the best for u. It's normal to be unable to move on get stuck in the past especially with such a sweet person but uh, people are forward-moving creatures... so, please wake up and move on. Life goes on, the sun still rises and the world is still spinning so don't think that anything will happen when u wallow in self-pity here.

[Guest Guest]

omg that guy sounds kinda like me. u know, the person who's good at talking but loses interest really fast...?

Lastly, like I said, "i love you" is but 3 words...

In any relationship, it's about trust.

When you have betrayed your own words, only fools will believe you in the other things you say.

Guess what, there are many fools around and you will be among them happily playing with their feelings.

Keep yourself busy with the fools and leave the good ones who cherish the words "i love you" for others!

[Guest cynical me]

typical holiday relationship.

get over it. move on.

no point moaning over it.

that's gay life. suck it up.

[oralb]

sad to say, you have met a player, and a rather pro player, someone that dishes out intimate words like "love" "you are the one" as easy as ordering dinner from a take away kiosk.

I bet you know that it wasnt meant to be, and you have to move on. well if you need an additional voice to tell you so, DO MOVE ON with your life.

be glad that you were happy while it lasted.

[briax]

Unfortunately, I agreed with the idea that it is just a short vacation romance. Most people are easily enchanted by love stories set foreign land. I think I lost count on how many Hollywood movies that cashed on our infatuations with such plots. Falling in love you met oversea is exciting because you are both strangers, everything about each other is interesting and your senses are stimulated by different things in the city. You did not have to deal with other burdens like work, family and other commitment.

While you have maintained some contact after the trip, you need to recognise that your relationship is not built on a firm foundation that can stand the test of long distance. Even couples who are in long term relationship find it challenging when one person moves away. Web cam or other forms of communications can only sustain it for so long, as human, we need physical intimacy.

I have many such experiences myself whenever I am overseas alone, and I have learnt to differentiate what is love and bonding. And live with the fact that it is a blessing to meet people who are nice, inspiring and share the same passion.

Edited June 23, 2011 by briax

[Guest Guest]

Get over it! I ever had such encounter twice. Not thru bath houses nor saunas but thru friends when I was having my vacations overseas. They will start with things like how much they love you and wanted to teleport right in front of you. After awhile they will disappear and avoid you. It's probably they are lonely and just taking chances.

Even onshore, I was always approached by insincere people. Sweet compliments such I'm cute, I'm hot, I'm fit sexy etc are nice to hear. All these are just lip service. Talk is cheap. They simply disregard my feelings after they achieved what they wanted "sex". Ditched me, missing in action. I reflected on myself if there's something wrong about me. After analysis, it's absolutely these people were such emotionally attached to me or simply like the thrill of hit and run.

I used to feel easily terrible about all these. After awhile I'm felt rather numb and learnt not to open my heart so easily. Just felt that with friends around is good enough to keep my life going.

[analogous]

You are not alone. I'm sure most of us here share the same experience as you did. Don't worry, over time you will get over it. If I can, so can you!!

[Guest Lonesg]

Have anyone of you had any experience of having long-distance relationship with your bf ? For example, if your bf living far away from you in different country due to school/work etc..

Do you think such relationship will work ?

[PaterTenebrarum]

It can work but it can be difficult.

You need to decide if you want it to be an open one or one based on monogamy. And if it is based on the latter, there has to be a lot of trust between both of you.