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It's comforting to know that even the royalities face the same problems as us. What a reassurance ! artile from 2/Jan's Nytimes (New york times)

http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/f...lines-frontpage

Vadodara, India — AS a maharajah's son, Manvendra Singh Gohil grew up in a bubble of prestige and privilege, surrounded by hangers-on who treated him so reverentially that he was 15 before he crossed a street by himself.

So the public snubs and rejection of the last nine months have been a new experience. Yet the mild-mannered Gohil couldn't be more content.

At last, he says, he is living an honest life — albeit one that has touched off a scandal in the royal house of Rajpipla, one of India's former princely states. Last March, he revealed a lifelong secret to a local newspaper, which promptly splashed it on the front page.

"The headline was: 'The Prince of Rajpipla Declares That He's a Homosexual,' " Gohil said with a rueful chuckle. "The newspaper sold like hotcakes."

In the uproar that followed, disgusted residents in Gohil's hometown flung his photograph onto a bonfire.

His parents publicly disowned their only son, printing notices in the press that he was cut off as heir because of his involvement in "activities unacceptable to society." Gohil's mother has threatened contempt proceedings against anyone who refers to him as her son.

For scandal-mongers, the tale of India's gay prince is an irresistibly juicy affair full of details worthy of a tabloid tell-all: his teenage affair with a servant boy, a sexless marriage to a minor princess, a nervous breakdown.

For Gohil, his very public unmasking has brought him a bully pulpit from which to speak out against a law that makes him not just a pariah of noble birth but also a common criminal.

Here in the world's largest democracy, home to 1.1 billion people, sex between two people of the same gender remains a punishable offense. Decades after India threw off the yoke of British rule, the country still clings to a Victorian-era statute established by its colonial masters nearly 150 years ago, which demands up to life in prison for anyone committing "carnal intercourse against the order of nature."

In practice, few prosecutions are brought to court. But reports abound of police using the law to harass and blackmail gay men and lesbians.

Human rights advocates, lawyers groups and the government's AIDS coordinator are lobbying for repeal or revision of the law. In September, dozens of Indian luminaries, including Nobel Prize-winning economist Amartya Sen and author Vikram Seth, added their voices to the campaign. Activists are guardedly hopeful about the chances of a legal challenge now pending before the Delhi High Court. A hearing is scheduled for this month.

But even should they succeed, changing attitudes will prove a far harder task.

Despite India's high-tech wizardry and its rising affluence, this remains a highly conservative and conformist society where most young people undergo arranged marriages, the pressure to produce children is enormous and no gay role models or TV shows like "Will & Grace" exist to offer a hint of an alternative.

Those who feel different learn to keep it to themselves — and to feel guilt-stricken about it.

"It's not uncommon among the young people we work with to ask, 'Is there a medicine that can make me stop feeling this way?' " said Anjali Gopalan of the Naz Foundation, an AIDS organization that has taken a leading role in the fight to decriminalize homosexuality. "The law compounds all of this. It creates an environment for people to feel like this."

The criminalization of homosexuality makes it difficult to set up social venues where gays can meet. Even in the nation's capital, New Delhi, a thriving metropolis of 15 million people, there are only two bars that host furtive, word-of-mouth gay nights just once a week, usually under the protective guise of a "private party" for some fictitious person. Those nights are packed.

*

GOHIL, 41, would seem an unlikely spokesman for bucking the system, one from which he has benefited handsomely.

Although India's royal families were stripped of formal political power after the nation's independence in 1947, many retain enormous wealth and influence in their former fiefdoms, as smiling ribbon-cutters and patrons of the arts, education and charitable work.

Gohil's parents, the maharajah and maharani of Rajpipla, a predominantly agricultural town of about 70,000 people in the western state of Gujarat, are the community's biggest landowners and have several palaces to their name, including a majestic, salmon-pink creation, complete with columns and balconies, that was Gohil's home when he was a toddler. (It's now a hotel owned by the family.)

He lived a cocooned existence there and at the family residence in Mumbai, spending his childhood absorbing the finer points of royal protocol and etiquette, attending the finest schools and being waited on hand and foot.

"It was so luxurious that even a glass of water I didn't have to go and get for myself," he said.

By age 12, Gohil had already been invited to be guest of honor at a local school event. Around the same time, he began sensing that something besides his aristocratic background set him apart from his peers.

"Somewhere inside me I felt I was different than others," he said in an interview at his office here in Vadodara, about 1 1/2 hours from Rajpipla. "When I came to the age where you develop sexual attraction to the opposite sex, I had the feeling that I'm not attracted to the opposite sex but the same sex."

In India, talk of such intimate matters is taboo. At school, sex education for Gohil consisted of an embarrassed teacher telling her students about the sexual development of animals as a stand-in for human sexuality.

Gohil's first clue to his own identity came from a classmate when he was 14.

"A boy from my class, out of observation or what, one day came and asked me, 'Are you a homo?' I had not heard this word before. I said, 'What? I don't know,' " Gohil recalled. "I went home and looked it up in the dictionary, and it wasn't there."

He didn't have the words to describe his impulses, but as a young teen he found a way to act on them at home with a servant boy his own age, an orphan whom Gohil's grandmother had taken under her wing. The two boys maintained a secret relationship until they were about 18, Gohil said.

*

AFTER his graduation from university, the pressure on Gohil to marry mounted as his parents expected their only son to carry on the Rajpipla line and assume his duties as custodian of the family's royal heritage, which stretches back 600 years.

A suitable wife could manage the household, making sure that the heirlooms, the china and the sumptuous royal costumes were kept up to snuff. Gohil's father, the maharajah, and his mother, from a royal family in Rajasthan, scouted out potential mates, settling on a princess from the state of Madhya Pradesh.

Gohil, then 25, agreed to the match, which quickly turned out to be a disaster. He felt no physical attraction for his wife and could not consummate their marriage.

Her efforts to seduce him ended in tears. She even dragged Gohil to a doctor, but after 15 humiliating months of their being together yet not together, divorce became the only way out.

As she left, his ex-wife gave Gohil one piece of advice: Never do this to another woman.

But it took years for Gohil to summon the nerve to contact a well-known gay activist in Mumbai, formerly Bombay. Slowly, the young royal began tiptoeing out of the closet, deepening his involvement in the gay community and becoming an HIV counselor to other homosexual men.

"My parents thought I was in yoga school, but I would be out distributing condoms," he said.

Nonetheless, the increasing strain of pretending took its toll. His parents were on the hunt for a second wife, and residents in Rajpipla constantly asked Gohil whether he came bearing "good news" whenever he visited from Mumbai, unaware of the activities and friendships he was pursuing.

In 2002, Gohil suffered a nervous breakdown, spending 15 days in the hospital. At the end of it, his sympathetic psychiatrist arranged for his parents, his sister and her husband to come for a family meeting during which, at Gohil's request, the doctor informed the family of his sexual orientation.

"It was very, very emotional, very disturbing," he said. "They were all crying. They were still not willing to believe that this thing was true."

Since then, Gohil has thrown himself into HIV/AIDS work through the Lakshya Trust, an organization he founded in 2000. It was partly to raise the profile of the group that Gohil decided to come out publicly.

His straight friends were shocked to find out he was gay. His gay friends were shocked to find out he'd been married.

For his parents, it was the last straw. He is no longer on speaking terms with his mother. His father, despite disinheriting him, has softened slightly, declaring in a newspaper interview that he had felt pressured by friends and relatives into taking such a drastic step and describing Gohil as "a gifted individual" and "a good son." The two men still speak occasionally, but their conversations are awkward.

Gohil believes that his parents cannot legally prevent ancestral possessions from passing into his hands. Geeta Luthra, a leading civil lawyer in New Delhi, agrees.

"If it's ancestral property, then in India … nobody can disinherit you," she said. "Custom is a part of the law in India, and the custom among princely families is the principle of primogeniture. So you can't deprive him" of his inheritance.

Despite the controversy surrounding his coming-out, Gohil has continued to receive invitations to attend functions in his royal capacity. During the recent interview, Gohil happily showed off a photo of himself in traditional regalia: an elegant ivory suit on his slender frame, a large red turban complete with ostrich feather on his head, a double strand of pearls around his neck and a broad smile on his face, though whether it was out of the general Indian love of pageantry or a personal sense of fabulousness is hard to tell.

*

AN introvert by nature, Gohil enjoys nothing more than quiet time on his farm on the outskirts of Rajpipla, where he cultivates a passion for organic farming — his primary source of income — and practices the harmonium.

He says he has "no regrets at all" over his decisions or the very public consequences that followed.

Rather, he has finally been able to put on a little weight, offers for dates have started coming in and the Lakshya Trust just won an award from the United Nations. Representatives of the media keep calling, and a cheerful, newly liberated Gohil appears to enjoy telling his story.

To those in Rajpipla who might still harbor reservations about their patron-in-waiting, he waves an indifferent hand.

"They cannot get a prince on hire. I am the prince, and whether I am gay or not gay is hardly the issue," Gohil said. "I'm the only son — there are no cousins or brothers they can go to. They have to come back to me."

*

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

henry.chu@latimes.com

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

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  • 4 months later...
Guest rei

Hi~ I know there is a helpline.. But i need different opinions...

I'm turning 19 this year and I've not been straight for since i'm 13. Recently, I fell in love with my classmate and we've been going out for like 3 months..

My mother's been questioning me since I go out so frequently..

I want to tell her.. but I have no idea how to tell her.. What can I do?

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Guest rei

nope.. I havent tried the help line because I wanted to know how it is like.. I mean I am all confused and that all... Plus.. I didnt dare to try it...

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Guest TopoSurvey

Maybe Rei wanna know the reaction from us cos we are PLU.

But still our advice to Rei , you should call helpline as suggested by OB

Note : OB is adviser for relationship and Makan session only . izzit true? :whistle:

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I think you did not give her a satisfactory answer her when she ask you "where you are going?" and "who you are going out with?".

Basically, your mom is worried that you might be mixing with "bad" company.

Imagine you used to stay home most of the time, suddenly you always goes out. Of course she is curious (why u go out so often and who u go out with).

To prevent her from worrying, you can tell her who (your friend's name) and if possible give her your friend's contact or your friend's home contact (so she can call your friend's house). Just in case she needs to check if you are going out with your friend and why you are not home yet.

I boils down to your mom being over protective about you and your sudden "defiance" of the "norm". e.g. You used to be good good boy, now u alway goes out and dress like "pai kia" or worst dress like "gay", etc.

You might want to sit down and talk to her and give her the assurance that you are just going out with friends and you will call her if you are coming home late and that you are mixing with good people and not doing any mischief outside and you are not into drugs or fighting or alcohol, etc. er.. short of telling her that you don't like girls.

If she still worries, ask her point blank what is worrying her? You will have to answer her as true to your abilities as you can.

Cheers.

Uncle Agony - Gachi

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Note : OB is adviser for relationship and Makan session only . izzit true? :whistle:

nope i am good at human body topography...

back on the track, rei the phone line is manned by volunteers, you dont have to disclose any info if you so wish not to.

help is just a phone call away.

the issues that you are asking can have big impact on your life, esp whether you should out yourself to your mom.

:thumb: When I Think It, I Do It, I Win It! :thumb:

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Can I add something?

This is 2 totally different issue (unless you are not describing properly)

1. Your mum is asking where are your about.

2. You want to tell your mum you are a GAY.

Rei, from what I understand, she is concern about you as all mum do :)

And all you have to do is assure her that you are not following the bad, but just hanging out with friends (you can always NOT disclose ALL activities, thats technically not lying, unless she is asking, are you sleeping with a guy!)

As for second question, do you really need to tell her you are gay? Is she asking or you wish your mum is proud of what you are and accept what you are? These are 2 different thing you know...

Just some of my experience, my mum knows I am gay. I told her after slowly preparing her for almost many maby years of telling her i hate girls (playfully tell her I am being bully or disturb by gals, which is true). My mum is consavertive but she do open her mind, thats why I let her know, for I know its not hurting her and we discuss about it before.

BUT, that does not mean all mum's are open minded. Maybe you should spend more time with your mum, understand her and let her understand your views, without revealing to much of your sexual preference. Communication is always the best method is bridging people closer togather.

One more thing, you say you are NOT BEING straight since 13. From what I am told (by a professional conseller) that is too early to determine your perference in life. And loving a person of the same sex, does not made you a gay. Alot of guys best buddy is still guys... and they are not gay....

LOVE is not sex, sex is not LOVE..... famous words that rang a few times in this forum liao...

It's just me.... Asura... don't fear, but be very afraid....

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rei

Anker Gachi is right in his advise.

Pls follow that first before you go on to consider part 2 of Anker Omnpmh to be out of your closet to her.

it's probably only the first concern your mom has la... are you 'turning' or 'joining' bad company that's all...

you eldest in your family? that will be even more concerned for your mom... she not experienced in this... growing up thing... hahaha...

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Pls follow that first before you go on to consider part 2 of Anker Omnpmh to be out of your closet to her.

aarrhhhh.... I become anker liao *sob* *sob*

Baloo is right. Every mum also have first time being mum problem also leh.... give your mum a break, she is learning also :)

It's just me.... Asura... don't fear, but be very afraid....

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to a teenager (19 ist still teen ok? especially those very sheltered ones...), you are anker ma... nothing to be ashamed about...

ok ok

gor gor better>?

:lol:

btw, 19 not in NS meh/ poly ar?

see soldier boy leow... stay in camp 3 months at a go oso shud be ready leow... yet mom wants to know??? definitely sheltered and lucky guy... i shud be so envious...

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alamak, one more di di to my collection liao :D

*sayang* *sayang*... I 32 only leh, my cousin Sec one call me gor gor leh, but I smack him one time when he call me uncle during this year CNY :lol:

PS: don't ask me why I got so many di di, very depress liao, *sob *sob...

It's just me.... Asura... don't fear, but be very afraid....

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actually i envy you...

you have so many to carry on the family line...

i just did a snapcount of my particular family tree branch...

alamak... my grandma had 3 sons... my 2 uncles' sons... one uncle's sons reaching late 30s leow no intention to get married... other uncle's son married, but baby girl... that leaves me.....

looks like it dies at my generation????? sad... I better go make more babies... hee hee hee...

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erm.... they are not my real di di lor.... I so hope to have a real brother, gor gor also can, di di also can, never had one... Thats why I always look at other guys and tell myself, If I have a gor gor like that or di di like that, so handsome cute and nice to his siblings, how good....

Fact is, slowly, I turn gay, maybe I am a gay when i was born, than the gor gor or di di craving was just my inmature way of asumming why i look at guys.

Like you, I am the only son in my family tree, yeah, I wanted my root to get cut at my generation. My family have too much health problem, I do not wish my next generation to suffer.... but the truth is, I am gay and I dun like gals :lol:

I have many di di, cause i am always rejected by potential people whom i am interested in, cause they just got attached or seeig someone.... so in the end, di di lor

sad....

It's just me.... Asura... don't fear, but be very afraid....

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Guest PSS

Just to let you know,not many parents can accept their child ( son ) is a GAY, you can tell or not depends on you, i believe Hotline cant help in this too ( to be frank ). I ever heard some gay told me once their parents know that they are GAY, that's it, they move out from home & no longer keep in touch.

Some parents can accept, some not in the beginning but slowly & accept at the end, but most of them never till they die. So the choice is yours, you have to be prepare & face any outcome & for the worst

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Guest rei

thank you guys.. for making the effort to reply my questions..

Yup.. I'm not giving full details.. I liked guys and only guys. I was never interested in girls. I mean I think it is disgusting to kiss a girl. I don't know why I felt that.

I told my mum that I am going out with this guy all the time. She is like starting to press me to see if I have a girlfriend. Problem for her is that she don't want me to get a girlfriend (she feels that I am too young to be in a relationship). So then, very often when I go out she will ask who I am going out with and all. Not that I wont tell her, but after I told her, she don't believe me. She threatened to hire PI to investigate about my life..

Many a times, I talked to her, reassuring her that I am really hanging out with friends, doing project and I am not even coming home too late. ( somehow to her 8pm is very late) Sometimes, when I try to tell her how I am feeling, she'll dissed off and tell me how she is feeling. Then she will continue on the same topic for half an hour to one...

I am really worried that one of these days when I really get too pressed up I probably might accidentally slip and tell her about my relationship. That's why I was thinking of telling her about my sexual orientation but I don't know how I can tell her. She is not exactly the open type of people. She thinks thinks that me dying my hair is totally bad image, hanging out with friends is a waste of time, trusting friends is not really a good thing, going to stayover at friends house is totally no way.. so yea.. How am I going to tell her?

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I told my mum that I am going out with this guy all the time. She is like starting to press me to see if I have a girlfriend. Problem for her is that she don't want me to get a girlfriend (she feels that I am too young to be in a relationship). So then, very often when I go out she will ask who I am going out with and all. Not that I wont tell her, but after I told her, she don't believe me. She threatened to hire PI to investigate about my life..

Many a times, I talked to her, reassuring her that I am really hanging out with friends, doing project and I am not even coming home too late. ( somehow to her 8pm is very late) Sometimes, when I try to tell her how I am feeling, she'll dissed off and tell me how she is feeling. Then she will continue on the same topic for half an hour to one...

I am really worried that one of these days when I really get too pressed up I probably might accidentally slip and tell her about my relationship. That's why I was thinking of telling her about my sexual orientation but I don't know how I can tell her. She is not exactly the open type of people. She thinks thinks that me dying my hair is totally bad image, hanging out with friends is a waste of time, trusting friends is not really a good thing, going to stayover at friends house is totally no way.. so yea.. How am I going to tell her?

rei,

from wad u said, i can conclude that ur mom loves u so much that she is over-protecting u. Honestly speaking, what ur mom did was what my mom used to do when i was 14 or 15 <now i am not staying with my mom coz she is not in singapore>. It is really irritating indeed when she asks u where u go, y go so late, y like dat, y like this <she keeps asking me this qn even now when she called me every day>, but what she is trying to do, like wad uncle gachi and OMNPH have said, is simply to make sure that u r not in the bad company.

Try to think it in a more positive way instead of pressurising urself with this - told urself that whenever ur mom keep asking this means tt ur mom loves u so much and u r very fortunate of having this kind of mom. There so many moms out there who does not even care about children but her own image!

One thing is never lie to ur mom, juz say wad is the truth, like if u r going out with ur crush, then says i am going with my fren instead of saying i am doing projects so that i will come back so late. It is tough to tell ur mom tt u r "different", i also havent told my mom bout tt, but when the time has come, then u tell her, if u think the time has not come yet, then, wait, k? hehehe...

<this is a view of fellow 19 yo AJ, kekeke>

Formerly known as desparado

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Rei. you are indeed lucky to have a caring mom (although a little over), but I think she must have some things to worry about. e.g. your dyed hair, your dressing, your late (8pm, haha..laugh die me.) hours.

For a str8 and most probably conservative and over protecting mom what does one do?

In your case, you REBEL. From the way I look at it (based on what you've written) I think you are rather rebellious. From the hair, to the late time, and most probably you might purposely spill out your inclinations, etc.

I am not sure where your dad comes in as I did not hear you mention him nor did you mention your mom's background. e.g. she is a staunch Christian/Buddhist, she is a teacher/principle, your family is some politician's family, etc.

Personally, I feel that you can still look cool, and presentable, minus the dye hair, the ear rings, the nose stud, the g-string, the colourful gay cloths, etc. I think you get what I mean. It will certainly help prevent more nagging if you make an effort on your improving your looks.

About your "lateness", it could be that your mom had make an effort to cook, and by your coming home late, the food will be cold, e.g. she might also dun want you to be eating outside food, as it is not healthy (mom always says that), lots of MSG, or not as good as home cooked food.

Anyway, you are a 19 yo kid, but I think your mom still treats you like 9 yo. Some moms never really get over the fact that their 19 yo is already a young man. I know you want your "SPACE" but as long as you are still LIVING with (dependent on) your parent. I think the only thing you could do is to live the the HOUSE RULE / RULER (your mom), until you finish your studies / until army.

Don't rebel for rebel's sake just to hurt your parents who loves you. Their actions are actions of love. If you purposely does things to hurt them, your actions will not be forgivable, even by fellow BW-ers. 不要;生在幅中,不知幅.

Here are some of my suggestions:-

1. Cut back on some of your activities, I think your friends will understand.

2. Do some adjustment to your looks/appearance. It's would help reduce the objections from your mom, and the next time she says on your looks, you can say you HAD done some changes.

3. Try to cut back on your "projects". Don't keep using those excuses. Spread out you meetings. It does not mean you have to keep seeing your friends. Sometimes you can go on MSN and chat.

4. Take up some healthy activities like water sports, gym, jogging etc. (these are other excuses you can add to "I'm doing projects with friends")

5. Make some effort to go out with your mom, e.g. shopping, for dinner, etc.

6. Tell your mom that you love her once in a while. Parents need to hear that too.

OK. Before you fall asleep from reading. Just don't be too quick to "hurt" your family. You might makes things worst.

Take care.

Uncle Agony - Gachi

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Tell your mom that you love her once in a while. Parents need to hear that too.

I think my mum will freak out if I say I love her (even if it's once in a while). :D She knows I love her thru the things I do for her. But I guess every family is different.

Rei, the day your mum stops asking you question is the day you should be very worried indeed. I'd rather have a over-caring mother than a I-dont-give-a-damn one any day.

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Rei, the day your mum stops asking you question is the day you should be very worried indeed. I'd rather have a over-caring mother than a I-dont-give-a-damn one any day.

I agree with ED and angker Gachi.

When she starts to ignore you, you will start to panick and worry. I do agree that your mom is over-protective. Maybe your mum do not have a good experience when she was young, hence she is worrying about you now.

You are at your prime now (for a guy) and your mum is a female (where at this age is still not prime yet), maybe thats why she maybe confuse. The more you rebel, the more she is gona close the grip on you, MUM DO REBEL also okay :P

What you could do is heed angker agony advise, where you could learn to be more responsible about what you tell her, and maybe you timing. She may live in an era where when the sky is dark, its time for the young to be at home, while in reality, dark sky marks the start of partying.

You have plenty of time playing, and plenty of friends in future too. But you only have one mum. And she is learning, like you are learning too.

I don't know if you are chinese, but let me recommend you a song. 听妈妈的话 by Jay chou, someone who also ever grow up, like you, and all the guys here.

It's just me.... Asura... don't fear, but be very afraid....

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Guest rei

Thank you guys so much.. I'm getting lots of information here...

I'm really happy that tt got off my mind for a while.. I'll try not to look so prominent.. haiz that's a life of a 19 year old guy with her mother who is overzealous...

>.< thanks!!!

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A mother's love is often misunderstood. They tend to express their love through 'interrogation' and it does make us think that they don't understand our needs. On the other hand, we take them for granted without realizing that they have their values held from their years of growing up. Unfortunately, there are some mothers, unconsciously, ingrained with their values and become overly protective towards their children.

We need to know that there'll always be a gap between a mother and her child. The best way to bridge the difference is to have a good communication. We need to cast away the mother-child hierarchy and develop it into adult-adult relationship.

I always believe, as a child - son/daughter, we need to sacrifice little things before we can strike a balance with our parents. To have their blessing is always important to me.

You sound like a matured and reasonable son, Rei. I applaud that. However, do give a thought to what others have written here. Everything will be alright only when you start to slow down a little bit and focus on other important things in your life - like your education, which matters most to your mum. Establish an effective way to reach out to your mum - I'm very sure you can do that.

Click Here To Visit My Blog @ "The Blessed Life"

*Let me live my life to be an instrument of 'Love', in how I speak and in how I see others*

- May there be Love and Peace beyond all understanding -

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Good boy, Rei. From the above, I guess you are either in JC or Poly, which means you have not been to army yet (or maybe not going if you are a foreigner).

Anyway, by the time you goes to the army (I am assuming you are local), I believe that you mom will realised that you are growing up and might loosen her grip.

So, it is only a few more years to go. (I am assuming again). So in the mean time, be a good boy ok. :D

Uncle Agony - Gachi

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Thank you guys so much.. I'm getting lots of information here...

I'm really happy that tt got off my mind for a while.. I'll try not to look so prominent.. haiz that's a life of a 19 year old guy with her mother who is overzealous...

>.< thanks!!!

hehehe, glad to hear tt...

anw, it will help a lot if u can share with wif someone whom u can trust. sometimes, when u have nobody to share to, it can really get depressing, hehehe... k?

Formerly known as desparado

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Guest rei

gachi > yup, In poly and totally local.. army >.< I hope that too..

pika pika> no worries. That was one of the reason I posted here.. Now i have so many ways to deal with my problems all thanks to u guys.

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wow.. all this is coming to me like a tsunami..

wasnt even thinking abt cuming out of closet when i was teenager.

didnt even experience the plu world until one and a half year ago..

Wished that i had entered PLU eariler but dont know even if it for the better..

But one thing i learnt abt cuming out of the closet is, if u ever intend to do so, do not cum out suddenly. take steps to do so..leave hints, take ur time, give ur close ones time too.

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There is really no good way to come out. Quickly.. or taking your time. If you're going to do it, just do it. Be patient and gentle with your family. Realise that they may not be able to accept you for who you truely are. Expect lots of tears, anger and emotional chaos.

My dad kicked me out of the house when he walked into my bedroom and found me f**king my army bf. There was never any time to prepare him. Nor has he ever accepted me for who I am. Too bad for him.

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My dad kicked me out of the house when he walked into my bedroom and found me f**king my army bf.

wow, you did not locked door? or you "just do it" on the kitchen floor? :blink::blink:

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My dad kicked me out of the house when he walked into my bedroom and found me f**king my army bf. There was never any time to prepare him. Nor has he ever accepted me for who I am. Too bad for him.

OMG.. that is so.. Shocking.. If i get the chance to do that.. i'll kill my mother on the spot.. haha she'll drop dead..

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My dad kicked me out of the house when he walked into my bedroom and found me f**king my army bf. There was never any time to prepare him. Nor has he ever accepted me for who I am. Too bad for him.

OMG.. that is so.. Shocking.. If i get the chance to do that.. i'll kill my mother on the spot.. haha she'll drop dead..

Rei..that is not a very nice thing to say about your mother.

Some parents cannot accept that their child are different and they may blame themselves for the way their child turn out. An e.g. would be the Korean killer in the US, or their sons or daughters being gays/lesbians, etc.

Some can rationalised their feelings..while others will takes some time or they may never be able to accept. But they are as hurt as you if not worst.

So, please spare a thought for your parents and I personally feel that my parents need not know my inclinations as I dun want my parents to be hurt by me. So what they don't know, dun hurt. I won't come out unless forced by circumstances.

As long as I know what I am and I am happy living the life I want, my parents don't have to know everything about me. Sometimes, Ignorance is bliss. :D

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So, please spare a thought for your parents and I personally feel that my parents need not know my inclinations as I dun want my parents to be hurt by me.  So what they don't know, dun hurt.  I won't come out unless forced by circumstances.

As long as I know what I am and I am happy living the life I want, my parents don't have to know everything about me.  Sometimes, Ignorance is bliss.  :D

Uncle Agony Gachi is very right and wise on this.

Personally, I always feel most parents 'know' - and so, are our sisters and brothers, about our inclination. The longer we stay single and void of man-woman relationship, it's all about simple deduction. Afterall, homosexuality is wide spread. Our own actions, and with the media 'educating and highlighting' the general public, we can't stay hermit all the time.

Parents, and our siblings, tend not to ask. To them, ignorance is bliss - what they don't know makes them to accept us, easily, as part of the family. Probably, it has to do with our culture which is still very gluey towards religion.

Importantly, we need to keep our respect and love for them. It's the only guaranteed feeling that will bond us with them. The simplest act would be, for us, to stay filial. I often had a feeling that my late parents blamed themselves for having a gay son and that they suffered silently to come to term with it. Certainly, they had their own music to deal/face with their families, relatives and friends just to 'cover and protect' our identity.

I always knew my mother 'knew' about me. We had a silent understanding. Her greatest gift to me, on her deathbed, was wishing me to lead a happy life - a simple yet poignant wish of a mother to her son, gay or otherwise.

I always feel that the harder we fight for our life, the harder our life gets. It is always easy just to let things be.

Click Here To Visit My Blog @ "The Blessed Life"

*Let me live my life to be an instrument of 'Love', in how I speak and in how I see others*

- May there be Love and Peace beyond all understanding -

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I always knew my mother 'knew' about me. We had a silent understanding. Her greatest gift to me, on her deathbed, was wishing me to lead a happy life - a simple yet poignant wish of a mother to her son, gay or otherwise.

So sad and yet I am happy for you, IkuTube. But, did she get to know who's her "son"-in-law ?

For my case, my mom knows who I have been seeing all these years. The one who goes out with his son whenever they have their off days. But, she adopts the you-don't-tell-I-won't-ask style ... and sometimes when our kay-po relatives asked -- she even help to "cover-up". hahahaha. Thanks to her.

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GM... as much as I will like to hate my dad, he's a part of my life still. I was sooo angry at him. My bedroom door was locked but he took out his master key to unlock the door because he didn't "want his son and army friend to be late for camp".

Tho he can never accept his son and we don't talk about what he saw that morning more than 10 years ago, he is still my father. And I only got one father.

My mother took the news well. She is from the generation where men grew up and marry women. Period. I was amazed when she would later come over to the house where I lived with my boyfriend to just spend time with me and the dog. I don't think she will fully accept her son and his taste for older men but at least she is trying.

It isn't easy. But I do feel so much better now that I have nothing to hide. Was it selfish for me to hurt them this way? I don't know... but I think my mom appreciates me being honest with her. Even if she doesn't like the truth about her only son.

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oh.. I wasn't referring anything bad about my mother.. I meant to say, the fact that she is so protective over me, she'll probably vomit blood if she sees it.. Me making out with my bf..

I understand that some of the older generations cannot take this kind of shock at all.. Good thing I am not her only son.. I love my brother!!! (thank god that he is straight as hell and his girlfriend is cute)

I'm now planning to tell my mum step by step.. Hints might be a good way to start...

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I'm now planning to tell my mum step by step.. Hints might be a good way to start...

Small steps will still lead us to our destination, Rei. An impulsive act is often associated with regrets - we may not realize it now but the imprint will surface in future.

I've never doubt your maturity at your tender age. The fact that you started this thread, and seeking help/opinion, only to show that you are highly capable to think before you act. Such behaviour speaks volume - and success awaits you.

I'm wishing you and your bf will have a good and long lasting relationship. :)

Click Here To Visit My Blog @ "The Blessed Life"

*Let me live my life to be an instrument of 'Love', in how I speak and in how I see others*

- May there be Love and Peace beyond all understanding -

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So sad and yet I am happy for you, IkuTube.  But, did she get to know who's her "son"-in-law ? 

For my case, my mom knows who I have been seeing all these years.  The one who goes out with his son whenever they have their off days.  But, she adopts the you-don't-tell-I-won't-ask style ... and sometimes when our kay-po relatives asked -- she even help to "cover-up".  hahahaha.  Thanks to her.

Wah, :whistle: - it sounds like you know me! :oops:

Thanks for sharing the emotions. My late parents, even in their silent denial, accepted my other half. My late mum showed her acceptance more openly than my late father though. After she was gone, it was my eldest sister that told me that our late mum knew about my relationship with my partner. It broke my heart with that news, and how I took her for granted.

Stay happy, Guest@9.06am. :)

Click Here To Visit My Blog @ "The Blessed Life"

*Let me live my life to be an instrument of 'Love', in how I speak and in how I see others*

- May there be Love and Peace beyond all understanding -

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My mum used to nag at me but not anymore. All my siblings have not mentioned a single word. I guess they have gathered bits and pieces of my sexual orientation over the years.

My first incident happened few years ago, when i was dating my ex. We send cards and love notes. I used to display those cards on my book shelves together with his pictures. I locked my room and enjoyed my privacy. One fine day, when i reached home, i realised my room door was unlocked and those cards were on my bed instead. Later, my sister told me tat she realised my room was ajared and went in to tidy up. She found those cards on the floor and picked them up. I was lost of words and she avoided eye contact. She stopped there.

Second incident, when my ex spend a nite at my room after a late outing. Of course, we have done wat the lovers like to do during the remaining hours before dawn. My mum greeted my ex in the morning before he left. I send him off and before closing my gate, he kissed me. I got carried away and kissed for a min or so. When i returned to my house, i realised my mum was at the window, she might have seen but not a word from her too.

After these incidents, i got some peace from her nagging concernig marriage issues. My sister hinted to her that i will never get married. Tats about all.....till now nothing mentioned as though they have accepted (?) :blink:

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I got carried away and kissed for a min or so. When i returned to my house, i realised my mum was at the window, she might have seen but not a word from her too.

I guess I can imagine her expression when she saw what she's not supposed to.

I have the same experiences too ....on love notes and cards sending to my house. The most horrified incident -- he send a bouquet of roses personally to my house on a Valentine Day before he flew off overseas to work -- supposed to be surprise for me. When I reached home and my mom told me what I happened -- I have the "shock" expression for 10 minutes. Later, I thought of some silly answers for my mom .... very very funny .... :D

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i knew my brother is a gay but he din know i am. i am attached and my house display those present my BF gave me, lucky is that my parent don't understand English so is still okay.

but but but........ my brother will be coming back for holiday next month, so i got to hide all my stuff.

I feel like coming out to him and hopefully he also will, at least for both of us.

I guess by coming out to him, our relationhsip will be closer and can share our feeling together.

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I got carried away and kissed for a min or so. When i returned to my house, i realised my mum was at the window, she might have seen but not a word from her too.

I guess I can imagine her expression when she saw what she's not supposed to.

I have the same experiences too ....on love notes and cards sending to my house. The most horrified incident -- he send a bouquet of roses personally to my house on a Valentine Day before he flew off overseas to work -- supposed to be surprise for me. When I reached home and my mom told me what I happened -- I have the "shock" expression for 10 minutes. Later, I thought of some silly answers for my mom .... very very funny .... :D

Gosh! Luckily No. But my siituation is very clear cut. Even if my mum asked, i would have given silly answers.....such as its an farewell kiss lah, tats wat the ang mio like to do....haha...do you think she will be naive enough to accept my answer ? Well, most mums are sharp enough to detect those signs. She asked me once concerning the marks on my neck. I did not know how to reply but stayed silent for awhile before speeding off to my room. :rolleyes:

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She asked me once concerning the marks on my neck. I did not know how to reply but stayed silent for awhile before speeding off to my room. :rolleyes:

The answer which I used before -- will be simply. (A very big) mosquito's bite and you scratch !! hahaha ! She then said -- go apply Zambak lah ! :P

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She asked me once concerning the marks on my neck. I did not know how to reply but stayed silent for awhile before speeding off to my room.  :rolleyes:

The answer which I used before -- will be simply. (A very big) mosquito's bite and you scratch !! hahaha ! She then said -- go apply Zambak lah ! :P

hehe...might be silly to believe that a mosquito bite ended up a blue-black sign.

Women are more sensitive and sharper concerning these type of matters lah. I believe they simply accepted me quietly in their hearts....

"Mum, thank you !"

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i knew my brother is a gay but he din know i am. i am attached and my house display those present my BF gave me, lucky is that my parent don't understand English so is still okay.

but but but........ my brother will be coming back for holiday next month, so i got to hide all my stuff.

I feel like coming out to him and hopefully he also will, at least for both of us.

I guess by coming out to him, our relationhsip will be closer and can share our feeling together.

Hmm...I think you don't have to keep your stuff. Let it be a little more obvious, let him ask you. Afterall, you guys are brothers.

Personally, I feel that siblings are more able to accept that they kin is gay/lesbian.

Haha. Talking about coming out. I actually came out to my aunt (my moms' younger sister) when I was 28. She sort of already suspecting me for being "different" from the rest of my bros. Anyway, she took it quiet well although she did says that she wished she could see me settled down. I even showed her the movie 基佬四十 (40yo Gay), 林子祥(LAM) & 陳小春 (Jordan Chan). I thought it was a nice show to show her that time. :)

She hinted that my parents might already knows about my "inclinations". That's why I don't get all those cliche questions from my parents.

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Thanks Gachi Muchi

guess u r right. let him ask me.heehee.

i will see how it goes, i heard from my ex that he has just broke off with his BF in UK.

FYI he and my ex had sex before but of course my ex din tell him abt me. My ex is rather smart, he told me the first look he knew that is my brother and after talking to him, he confirmed that is my brother.

My surname is rather rare so when he heard my brother surname he confirm 100% sure is my brother, not only that me and my brother looks alike.

Sometime i just wan to share with him, talk to him and tell him i totally understanding how he feels.

I am sure the day will come.

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  • 4 months later...

I find this article profound and it causes me to think : http://mollymeek.livejournal.com/165975.html

Coming Out Entry

We hear lots of speeches daily, sometimes in an office.

Miss Lim: My boyfriend is coming to pick me up later.

Mr. Sim: My wife is on maternity leave.

Mrs. Loh: Cannot afford to have baby lah. Baby Bonus also no use.

Miss Soh: We're applying for a HDB flate first. I don't want to stay with his parents."

Reading around blogs, Molly sees a number comments about Otto Fong's coming out. It has been said that there was no need for Fong to come out. Just as straights do not go "I am straight," gays do not have to say, "I am gay."

It is true. There is no necessity for gays to come out if they do not wish to. It is a choice that has to be respected.

But it is not true that straights don't come out. Straights come out all the time. Many times a day, even.. When Miss Lim said "My boyfriend is coming to pick me up later," we know immediately that she is attached. To a male. Some might speculate that Miss Lim is bisexual, but essetially people are made aware of her heterosexual relationship.

People involved in straight relationships come out so often that no one notices that they are coming out.

When Mr. Lim said that his wife was on maternity leave, it simply means (to most unimaginative people) that his wife has given birth and that he had had sex with her and produced a baby. (And made the gahmen happy.)

The next time your friend announces that he/she is going to the ROM, you know that your straight friend is coming out once again. (Given that this is Singapore, there are no gay marriages.)

For a real life example, blogger Aaron Ng announced and gave a countdown to his marriage. Everyone knows that he is straight, but no one seems to think that he has no need to make an announcement and share his joy.

Had it been Mr. Lim who had said "My boyfriend is coming to pick me up," perhaps there would be muted gasps around as everyone awaits his departure before embarking on a five-hour gossip session. If he had mentioned that he was gay, that is.

Closets are not only for gays. Different facets of a person surface at different times. We do not go around recognizing our (straight) friends as heterosexual beings every single moment we are with them. But at times, their sexuality surfaces. And are reaffirmed when a group of (seemingly) straight girls talk about a cute hunk or a group of (seemingly) straight guys talk about a hot chick. At other times, say when you are talking to someone about the latest electoral boundaries, you are unlikely to think about the other person's sexuality. Unless your mind has wondered away, of course.

To say that gays have no need to come out (and therefore should not) isn't just a simple matter of asking them not to flaunt the facts about their sexuality. It is not just a matter of needing people to know because people assume and expect you to be straight until you come out. (After all, people could be suspecting and gossiping.)

It is a matter of depriving gays a chance at having a normal life (oh well, those faggots are abnormal anyway huh). It is to ensure that their sexuality never surfaces spontaneously in social situations like it does for straight people. It is to push gays and demand that they keep their lives to themselves, unlike the straight Miss Lim, Mr. Lim, Mrs. Loh and Miss Soh. Don't share your boyfriend woes with me, faggot. I don't mind if Miss Lim does, but it's just too revolting if you do the same thing.

And it is not that they just have to hide. The closet metaphor is pretty interesting here. Straight people's sexuality can simply recede and become invisible, and resurface every now and then. They just come out of nowhere. Gays come out of a closet. We look at the closet. We create tales and myths about what lies within. We imagien different people to be inside. But no, the monster within had better not come out. Our endless fascination cannot be disrupted.

What is worse is that if people do eventually find out about a gay person's sexuality, they might even accuse him of hiding things. A famous rhetorical statement will be chirped: "If you have a clear conscience, what do you have to hide?"

Why do you need to consign others to a life of hiding?

Anyway, Molly has to go. Her boyfriend will get angry if she's late for the date again.

z

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