The Trials And Journey Of Sexiespider's Search For True Love (Sexispider's Post Compiled)

[sexiespider]

First, we have to understand how we look for love. Second, we have to understand how we go about developing a ‘relationship’. As said, we might go into a relationship because we are lonely. We might feel that we don’t love ourselves, or we

don’t feel loved, and so we hope to find someone whom we hope can love us, who can replace that emptiness or loneliness inside us. And so, when someone comes along, we hope he can do that. And so, we start imagining beautiful things about him (which if we had just gotten to know him, are most probably not true about him) – what are we doing here?

We have a notion of what a relationship that we hope for is, so we cancel the process of getting to know someone, by implanting what we want from that imaginary perfect person onto him, to replace the process of knowing him. Then we fasten the process again by deciding to ‘love’ him, based on this ideals that we’ve implanted onto him. Effectively, we’ve tried to develop a fairy tale romance that we’ve always dreamed of and pasted them onto this person we just got to know.

All these ideas are have become part of a story that you've inadvertently created - developing ideals and replacing the person you know with them, without giving the person a chance for you to really know him. And as explained, it could be because you are wanting to find someone to replace an inner emotional need inside you, more than looking to find someone and learning more about them.

http://myrighttolove...ngapore-part-1/

[sexiespider]

Truth is, we grow up being unclear about what it means to be gay, or what it means to like guys. We are unsure - when we have a relationship with another guy, what should we do? Is it like a straight relationship? So as we learn to understa

nd what other gay people and relationships are like, we make sense from by learning from the people we meet.

Then, when we get to know more gay people, and start to date some of them, we realise that if they are meeting us for the first time, and when they decide to be together with us, then we think - oh, so this is what a gay relationship is like! You meet a guy for the first time and then you immediately become attached! So, you learn from them! And then, things keep on not working out, and like many other gay guys, you start feeling 'jaded'. You start thinking that gay relationships cannot last. You start thinking that, maybe I should just have sex, maybe I don't want a relationship - I don't want to go through the hurt of breaking off with someone again and again. And so, we stop looking for relationships. We start just having sex, since, hey again, everyone is just having sex too! And then we look down on the gay community - we think that it's all about sex, we think that gay people are promiscuous and we think that gay people are hopeless. We become part of the community we criticize and we live with it. And we became disappointed with the community and with ourselves and we start to lose hope.

We go with the flow because since everyone else is doing it, it must be right - gay relationships cannot exist, it's all about sex and I will be lonely for the rest of my life.

If you've read carefully throughout this article, you would know where I'm trying to get at by now. We have learnt from the people we meet and follow what they do, without reflecting on what it really means for us, and why we do certain things. We need to look into our lives, understand how it had been developing and how our beliefs and mindsets have developed from them - and whether we can, with this renewed understanding, do something about them.

http://myrighttolove.com/2012/09/29/finding-love-as-a-gay-man-in-singapore-part-1/

[Guest Blaidd_drwg]

http://www.blowingwi...showtopic=35640

[zwei]

I believe we are just deprived of contact with the same sex... Wanting a relationship like regular man does with their girlfriend and the capability to conduct the same behavior as they do.

[sexiespider]

That's one way of looking at it.

For discussion purposes - if we are "deprived of contact with the same sex", when we first start out, why is it that we would want to be attached with someone we meet for the first time?

Is it because we are deprived of contact, and would thus want to be immediately attached with anyone we meet?

[sexiespider]

Hey, thanks for this. I will post my link there as well!

[Guest stbrianud]

And this is news?

No it ain't.

Each day, each and every minute and second, no one knows what is really gonna happen next. All our percepts and assumptions and based on personal experiences and behavior markers which we use to identify trends and patterns in actions.

What you have just proposed is not wrong yet it's basically the norm in which most humans abide by.

The first paragraph can basically be summarized to: "Many people still think that being GAY is wrong."

Yes we live our lives quietly and more personally that the straight ones do. But that's not at all because being gay is anomaly, a fault/flaw in our design. And don't tell me it's not that... Yes others do think that being gay is wrong. But if you let them influence u without you even knowing it, ain't that worst? Because you have no control of your own thoughts and beliefs. If you can't even believe and have confidence that there is nothing wrong with being gay how can the others do that too? Be it gay or straight, there's so much more we all don't understand. Don't think that being gay is special and u need "more attention". For gods sake it's not a disability nor does it make u superior. I've seen many who cites being gay as a reason for all their problems. They're many in Singapore who are still at this stage so we are not at all ready for gay men to be legalized.

Second paragraph:

Does that not happen in straight relationships? You go out on one date and immediately you are together... It's not a gay thing at all, it's simply, from what I can tell, an Asian thing - maybe they have this elsewhere too. We are so caught up in the moment and we so quickly flash to the future because its the honeymoon period as SO MANY have mentioned. I'm basically repeating them now by saying its though the rough times where you truly understand what a relationship means and whether you truly like this person or u just like being seen with him? Like sex with him? Or just like being friends with him.

The rest of your standings are basically the standard train of thought of any human without factoring into account they have a brain... "Oh everyone's committing suicide.. That must be right. Lets do it too!" Yes I exaggerated it. But ain't that what you're saying? Follow the crowd? There's so much more that contributes to the promiscuity in our community... One should never dabble into the realm of human psych and community socio if one isn't going analyze all, or at least most, of the factors that contributes to one character or trend in a community.

I'm not attacking the TS, if this post was just a cut and paste. The pretense for this topic is definitely a good one but the delivery was not at all strong and impactful enough to tackle such a topic. No offense

[sexiespider]

No offense taken.

Here's a further excerpt. The article is written by me on my blog.

When we see someone for the first time, we want to get into a relationship with this person immediately because, actually, we could be lonely. We could be looking for the feeling of intimacy. We might want to feel loved, and not so much to love itself. And since this guy comes along, he’s hot and lean and fit and all that, and we think he looks really good so we think, we can be with him! Then, we conjure up ideas in our mind about how I really love him because there is this connection – because he is the guy I want to be for the rest of my life, because I feel that he understands me etc.

But does he? Is he really who he is, or are you imagining it? Are you creating your idea of who he is, because you want him to fit into your idea of a Prince Charming, or is because that’s who he really is? After some time, we get to know him better and then we start to think,“You know, he’s no longer the guy I used to know. He has changed.” But of course he has. Wait, actually he hasn’t. Your understanding of him has changed. You had created all those ideas of who he is, because these ideas are what you want in a guy – the romantic notions you’ve learnt to dream about, and you had supplanted them onto him. As you get to know him further and the initial ‘honeymoon’ (as they would call it) fade away, you finally actually start to get to know him, and you start to really understand him and see him for who he is. And if you had never really known him then, you might or might not like what you are starting to see.

So, what’s the issue here? First, we have to understand how we look for love. Second, we have to understand how we go about developing a ‘relationship’. As said, we might go into a relationship because we are lonely. We might feel that we don’t love ourselves, or we don’t feel loved, and so we hope to find someone whom we hope can love us, who can replace that emptiness or loneliness inside us. And so, when someone comes along, we hope he can do that. And so, we start imagining beautiful things about him (which if we had just gotten to know him, are most probably not true about him) – what are we doing here?

We have a notion of what a relationship that we hope for is, so we cancel the process of getting to know someone, by implanting what we want from that imaginary perfect person onto him, to replace the process of knowing him. Then we fasten the process again by deciding to ‘love’ him, based on this ideals that we’ve implanted onto him. Effectively, we’ve tried to develop a fairy tale romance that we’ve always dreamed of and pasted them onto this person we just got to know. In fact, it can be anyone! And that is why we go in and out and in and out of a relationship, one after another, because we keep going through this process of supplanting our ideals onto each person we meet. And we ask, why don’t any of our relationships work? Why do we keep getting attached and breaking off? Is it because we are not good enough? Why do I keep meeting the wrong guy? Am I not many to have a relationship? Do I not know how to love?

No. All these ideas are have become part of a story that you’ve inadvertently created – developing ideals and replacing the person you know with them, without giving the person a chance for you to really know him. And as explained, it could be because you are wanting to find someone to replace an inner emotional need inside you, more than looking to find someone and learning more about them.

http://myrighttolove.com/2012/09/29/finding-love-as-a-gay-man-in-singapore-part-1/

[Eujiboo]

I personally think that it's not just us gay guys who create fairy tales and ideals of the person we want to be with , our straight counterparts do it too , I know of girls that have is fantasy set up in their head about meeting their perfect partner .

Well , to say we want to have this perfect love life with someone we just met , may it be infatuation or love at first side , or just someone we can click with on ineterests or similarities , I think it's quite normal to feel this way . We want to get to know them more , maybe something might spark out of it , but usually not to jump to marrying them .

[sexiespider]

Hi stbrianud,

I agree in principle with what you say.

But the situation is more complex. I am assuming that you are a confident person who knows what you want and what you should do.

However, there are many gay men who start off in life, being truly uncertain about themselves, or have low self esteem, etc. I am one of them. I started off in life questioning the value of who I was - not as a gay person, but just as a person.

I had thus written this to share, because as much as you and I are now aware of how we should lead our lives as ourselves, and it doesn't matter whether we are gay or not, not many people might have the awareness to understand this as so. They continue to allow being gay define them or overrule their senses.

Thus the sharing and the illustrations are meant to serve that purpose. To you and I, it is now common sense, but I know many people as well who haven't understood things on that level yet, and would need guidance and further support to understand themselves, and how they look for love - why they do so, and how it might be more of an extension of themselves, rather than of love.

Roy

[sexiespider]

Hi Eujiboo,

Agreed. When I was discussing with my sister about this, she said that girls do the same thing as well. In fact, many young people do.

I will only add that for gay people, there are complexities because it is compounded by the lack of acceptance that some people have for themselves as gay people, or by others, and this does have an added effect to them as gay people.

Also, for gay people, there are lesser social boundaries and norms about what we should do, so unlike our straight counterparts, we do not place as much restrain, or protection over ourselves.

As such, when combined, it does mean that gay people are more likely to allow themselves to fall deeper into such relationships, and allow themselves to be hurt further.

What is also the issue here is that as much as you and I, and some of us, understand how this is about infatuation, and we are able to develop our understanding further, not many people are. Many people think it's love, and when things don't work out, they sincerely believe it's love, even if it might not be.

And that's when the issue arises - we allow ourselves to be hurt and to consequently be upset by the many guys we meet, because of our wrong footing - we assume what is to be love, when it is not. And allow ourselves to lose faith over a "love" which isn't.

Roy

[fallequinox01]

We have a notion of what a relationship that we hope for is, so we cancel the process of getting to know someone, by implanting what we want from that imaginary perfect person onto him, to replace the process of knowing him. Then we fasten the process again by deciding to ‘love’ him, based on this ideals that we’ve implanted onto him. Effectively, we’ve tried to develop a fairy tale romance that we’ve always dreamed of and pasted them onto this person we just got to know.

Depends upon one's perspective, I guess.

As for me, I tend to create my "fairy tale romance" with such person upon knowing him already. When I develop feelings towards that person already, usually after months or a year, until then will I create my story with him.

We all have our different encounters and struggles with different people, thus, we develop our first-meeting reactions in different ways.

[Guest stbrianud]

After my previous long comment in another of your post. I'm too bored to do another.

I do not disagree with the premise you have mentioned about making the other seem like the perfect guy in your head. I am not ashamed to have done it myself. Unlike your other post. This analysis is no doubt prevalent in our community.

As you grow you slowly understand more and you realize you're doing this. Then you try to stop. And take time to understand.

What you need to know is now that you have release this, you have made more people try to deny this. The fantasy they create in their heads are strong and at times good enough for them to live off. Because you put this out there, you inadvertently made most of they block this thought. Yes some would realize it and try to change. But saving a few is not worth risking the rest. Sometimes should never be said out loud. Somethings must be learn be oneself. This is one of the complexes I'm noticed in most Singaporeans. It's not a flaw. Just because YOU have realized something or been through a certain experience, be it good or bad. They tend to tell others. Not in the way of an advise as it should be done. Most of the time it's parents and children. They want to protect others from going through the same bad experience so they demand and try to get them not to do it. Example smoking drugs etc. but what they have to understand is that THEY went through the experience. WE didn't. I'm not saying we should smoke and do drugs. What I'm saying is that it is a personal choice. Smoking and drugs and the more exaggerated definitely. Going clubbing, doing martial arts, hanging out with certain type of friends... Give your advise... Don't demand. The problem is that they see it as "advise".... It's a joke really.

[SeannyShortcake]

Do we really do anything for the sake of doing it?

No,our minds create multidimensional scenarios coupled with our bias and then-impressions of the environment and people involved.

So yes we really do like a guy we just met.

But on a half-fxxked superficial level

[sexiespider]

Depends upon one's perspective, I guess.

As for me, I tend to create my "fairy tale romance" with such person upon knowing him already. When I develop feelings towards that person already, usually after months or a year, until then will I create my story with him.

We all have our different encounters and struggles with different people, thus, we develop our first-meeting reactions in different ways.

Hey, agreed.

I had only brought out one perspective of it - the one which needs to be learnt.

The journey that you take is one which respects yourself. Some people had not - like I had not. It took a long time for me to learn and understand what I was doing.

I had thus written this to share with those who go through what I had, and as I continue to speak to people, I recognise that there are some who still do. This is aimed at sharing with those who do, and to help them become stronger.

Roy

[Guest stbrianud]

I agree... And I truly do respect you. From the way you conduct and express your ideas I can tell you are not like the rest. And I respect your choice to share your views. It ain't wrong.

However I prefer to give help only when I see one needs it or if they asked. That's where we differ I guess... I've read your stuff and most of which I do agree with:) haha...

But you hVe to know people like us are not that well accepted...

[sexiespider]

After my previous long comment in another of your post. I'm too bored to do another.

I do not disagree with the premise you have mentioned about making the other seem like the perfect guy in your head. I am not ashamed to have done it myself. Unlike your other post. This analysis is no doubt prevalent in our community.

As you grow you slowly understand more and you realize you're doing this. Then you try to stop. And take time to understand.

What you need to know is now that you have release this, you have made more people try to deny this. The fantasy they create in their heads are strong and at times good enough for them to live off. Because you put this out there, you inadvertently made most of they block this thought. Yes some would realize it and try to change. But saving a few is not worth risking the rest. Sometimes should never be said out loud. Somethings must be learn be oneself. This is one of the complexes I'm noticed in most Singaporeans. It's not a flaw. Just because YOU have realized something or been through a certain experience, be it good or bad. They tend to tell others. Not in the way of an advise as it should be done. Most of the time it's parents and children. They want to protect others from going through the same bad experience so they demand and try to get them not to do it. Example smoking drugs etc. but what they have to understand is that THEY went through the experience. WE didn't. I'm not saying we should smoke and do drugs. What I'm saying is that it is a personal choice. Smoking and drugs and the more exaggerated definitely. Going clubbing, doing martial arts, hanging out with certain type of friends... Give your advise... Don't demand. The problem is that they see it as "advise".... It's a joke really.

Hi,

I agree with what you are suggesting. Necessarily, we want people to go through their own journeys so that they are able to truly internalise what they learn.

I ask myself that often when I share my stories. Should I fast track someone's growth if they are not ready or if they don't truly understand?

But, I will illustrate with this example - there are many self help books in the market. Do we expect everyone to read them and become enlightened in an instance? No, we don't. I have read many self help books myself. And at many points when I read them, I wasn't ready to receive what they had said. But, what happened was that when I was ready, it would trigger my memory of what I read and my learning will be strengthened because of that.

Does this story aim to change people? It doesn't, because it cannot. Our learning is still dependent on the path we take, and our own understanding of things.

This story will not immediately change their thoughts but it can provide a hope for them of the things that can be, to remind them that things do not have to be as bleak as they would be currently seeing it. I know because I had gone through a long period of questioning, of being upset and "jaded", and finally realising that I should go with the ebb and flow of life. If there was someone who would tell me that life would go on, I would learn and it would still be a pleasant journey, it would have been helpful.

And the purpose of this story is this. Like many of the hundreds and thousands of self help books around, this story is meant to provide a beacon of hope and support, to let others know that what we are going through is part and parcel of life. And if they are able to not only feel hope but to learn from it and move towards happiness faster, I would be glad that they needn't go through the hurt and pain that I had.

Roy

[sexiespider]

Do we really do anything for the sake of doing it?

No,our minds create multidimensional scenarios coupled with our bias and then-impressions of the environment and people involved.

So yes we really do like a guy we just met.

But on a half-fxxked superficial level

Lol. You sound like you are doing well with what you are doing.

I had written this for people who do not have the strength of mind that you have. I had very low self esteem and allowed myself to get hurt over and over again with the guys I meet. Some people might not understand this.

But I have met many other guys who go through the same thing. In fact, I had met a boy just over the weekend.

And thus I was spurred to write this to encourage others on - to let them know they can be strong, to believe in themselves, and to go on with lives, knowing things will be OK.

Roy

[Guest stbrianud]

I don't disagree.

But we do differ in what we have both presented. You have your reasons which I do respect. It's not wrong at all. But it's just not something I would do, I take different approaches I guess.

Anyways good luck.

[sexiespider]

I don't disagree.

But we do differ in what we have both presented. You have your reasons which I do respect. It's not wrong at all. But it's just not something I would do, I take different approaches I guess.

Anyways good luck.

Hey agree with you as well. I think the reason why there are differing beliefs to approaches mean different people will be able to learn from the different approaches.

[sexiespider]

I agree... And I truly do respect you. From the way you conduct and express your ideas I can tell you are not like the rest. And I respect your choice to share your views. It ain't wrong.

However I prefer to give help only when I see one needs it or if they asked. That's where we differ I guess... I've read your stuff and most of which I do agree with:) haha...

But you hVe to know people like us are not that well accepted...

I feel like I am having the same conversation with you on a dual platform - and I agree. Usually I only provide advice when people need it. I would refrain from sharing if they are not ready, only because they won't see it as well-intended.

On the other hand, the story is passive. People can read it when they are ready, so similarly the aim isn't meant to be intrusive.

[Guest Jonnyt]

I don't care. I am real men hungry. Any men and all sorts of men also can. But not gay

[Guest JonnyT]

I have more feeling when I am close to straight men. Even more jaded n high when were are intimate and share secrets. Beats anything and everything. I treasure my relationship with my straight neighbour friend more than close sexual relationship I had with a gay guy before for 9 months.

I am retarded ravening lunatic.. That would explanation.

[Guest stupidspider]

Oh please, such is not limited to gay men.

So desperate for readership!

[sexiespider]

Oh please, such is not limited to gay men.

So desperate for readership!

Hi,

This is of course not limited to gay men.

I can only speak from my experience as a gay person, so necessarily the story is framed from a gay person point of view.

I have spoken to other gay guys who go similar issues - the purpose of writing the article is to benefit those who need it, and want to know how to move along in their journey.

There are many other gay men who might not go through the same issues, or are well-adjusted in their lives. Necessarily, this article doesn't might not be useful to them.

Thanks

Roy

[c0ldFire]

My 1 cent worth..,

There's a limit, a threshold, in every one of us, for most things in life..

Guess after years of falling for a guy, developed from strangers to couple to lovers staying together .. And then witnessed betrayals, lies, cheating on one another, conflicts, society pressure, family pressure, (and the list of possible odds goes on) .. Until quarrel .. Cold war .. Break off .. And finally familiar strangers ...

And? Life goes on.. As most people would say .. So we move... Bump into yet another guy sometime later.. Repeat the above cycle again ... And again .. And again ... And. ...... Again ?

Of course .. Some lucky ones eventually found a compatible one, settle down, share each others life..

Some? Adapted.. Morphed and changed,.. Learnt the tricks in this game, and started to play the mastermind...

Some? Guess.. Maybe just bad luck? And after trials and trials...

Hope .. Leading to disappointment . Rebuild his hope just to drop into another disappointment .. N again... N again . N again?

Until? He tells himself, enough is enough.. Threshold is hit .. Limit is exceeded...

And he starts to lose trust in gays, lose faith in relationships, lose belief in commitment....

And then it becomes harder and harder for him to start "afresh", to start another relationship ..

Living in shadows of his pasts.. Unfair to the new guy !! Loser!!!! .... Some will say..

But.. Human brain.. There is no DEL button... We cannot choose what to forget....

Yet he knows it is unfair for the next person who walks into his life..

So he forced himself.. To believe again, to trust again..

But a human has limits to everything .. Including forcing oneself to ignore his past perceptions, to turn back time, and try to plunge blindly into the deep end of unknown in the new relationship, like in his first love...

So slowly he awakens.. Removed the layers of blindfolds on his eyes he bounded onto himself when he tried to start "afresh"....

The shadows of his pasts creeps back in.... Turning him into a over-sensitive, insecure, suspicious, petty, jealous freak...

Until his newly found potential bf runs away in fright ...

And this failed attempt again adds on to his burden of huanted pasts .....

And the vicious circle repeats .... Until?

Edited October 1, 2012 by c0ldFire

[whoiam]

what is the benefit of this discussion? (my question is neutral, neither negative nor positive)

I tend to want to be attached to the guy even on first date, if I am physically attracted to him and he is attracted to me. I cant help it. But reality taught me that this kind of rs only last for 2 months or so.

One of the reasons why I feel / behave this way is I dislike being single. I want to have a bf, someone who I can be intimate with, someone who I want to share my sadness and laughter

I'm currently dating someone who I met just a few days ago. But so far it went well and I already hope to be attached to him (hope he is not reading this). I'm not desperate for rs, but I cant help wanting to be attached, if I see the guy is a potential bf material.

btw, I'm into monogamous rs. cos that's the only way a rs can last. imo.

[Alexandre]

On a sidenote; Is is possible to like a guy u've just met? It's as tho u've just met a complete stranger and u begin to take a loan from him( This comparison may be a little extreme), well, according to phycological statuses, a crush would only last for 3 months, and the chances of developing feelings towards the other party doesn't seem to be high.

[sexiespider]

what is the benefit of this discussion? (my question is neutral, neither negative nor positive)

I tend to want to be attached to the guy even on first date, if I am physically attracted to him and he is attracted to me. I cant help it. But reality taught me that this kind of rs only last for 2 months or so.

One of the reasons why I feel / behave this way is I dislike being single. I want to have a bf, someone who I can be intimate with, someone who I want to share my sadness and laughter

I'm currently dating someone who I met just a few days ago. But so far it went well and I already hope to be attached to him (hope he is not reading this). I'm not desperate for rs, but I cant help wanting to be attached, if I see the guy is a potential bf material.

btw, I'm into monogamous rs. cos that's the only way a rs can last. imo.

Hi,

If I may, may I add my one cent worth?

When I was young, I had met many guys for the first time and decided to get into a relationship with them. I have met many guys - 20 or 30, or more. Each time, they never lasted a week, two, a month or two months - exactly like you had experienced.

Which was why I started thinking - which was I wanted to make sense of what was happening. I wanted to understand why they didn't work out even though I had believed that it was love that I had for these people. Can love be so fleeting?

You see, even if they felt like they were love, I somehow knew it was something else - and then I understood why I wanted to be with them - I had a loneliness or need inside me to want to be loved - I wasn't loving myself and was hoping for someone else to fulfill it. And so, I tried very hard to understand myself, to learn to love myself and to believe in myself, so that I could stop this cycle.

*****

Like you, I couldn't stand being single, so I kept meeting guys after guys - I wouldn't stop meeting them. All because I didn't want to be alone - like you - but then I didn't understand why I kept meeting guys and why things keep not working out. So, I started reflecting. I needed to learn why this was happening.

And as I reflected, I realised that it was because I didn't love myself and I wasn't comfortable with myself, and so I kept looking for someone else to love me, so that - I had thought that it would make me feel complete. But after some time, I realised that I shouldn't find someone to complete me - I should already feel complete and love myself, and when I find someone, the person should complement me, and not complete me.

For some people, it might not be this reason. But I think, if we realise that somehow, we keep doing the same thing again, and we are somehow not happy with what we are doing, then we might want to take a step back and reflect, and think about why we are doing it - and to look within ourselves to understand ourselves.

Thanks

Roy

[sexiespider]

On a sidenote; Is is possible to like a guy u've just met? It's as tho u've just met a complete stranger and u begin to take a loan from him( This comparison may be a little extreme), well, according to phycological statuses, a crush would only last for 3 months, and the chances of developing feelings towards the other party doesn't seem to be high.

Hi,

Just thought that I would add a quick note - I think we need to understand why we have crushes - we have crushes because we might admire a person (or there might be other reasons).

If so, why do we admire them? Is it because we hope to be like them? Is it because they exhibit something which we hope to have etc? Then we need to understand why we hope to be like them, for example?

In this case, we would need to understand our inner self, and realise that perhaps, we don't actually like the person, but there is something within us that we are trying to address.

This could be one reason. And there are others.

But when we are in a position where we start to question or feel that something is amiss, it is an opportunity for us to reflect and look within ourselves.

Roy

[whoiam]

i dont think loving yourself is the solution. It helps, but it does not solve the bf issue at all.

love is a 2 way thing. no matter how much we love someone, if he does not replicate the affection, it will not work out.

looking back on the relationships that I had, I realise it was my fault. I was not mature and not realistic. in most cases we both moved at different pace. and our expectations are also too high. We expect the other to show "unconditional love" when we ourselves dont know what it mean, and clearly do not deserve it yet.

Don't take anyone for granted. Dont expect others to love you if you haven't done anything to show that you're worth it. This is the lesson that I learnt. So now, I try to put in as much effort as I can, and try to expect the least that I can. I hope one day someone who is with similar mind set, similar maturity, with good attitude, will understand me and want to be with me.

best if that someone is the one I'm dating

[doncoin]

Don't base a homosexual relationship on a heterosexual relationship model. While there are commonalities, however since both parties are biologically identical, certain behaviors and norms cannot be applied. When people get jaded about a gay relationship, most of the time, it is because they allow themselves to become jaded not because of the relationship. The relationship is an external factor. The person himself, ultimately is the one who makes the choice to be jaded.

The individual can allow all the negative experience change who he is, or reject the negativity and focus on the positive. It is not about being in denial or forget the negative past, but it is about being true to who you are.

Start with who you are. What you know to be true about yourself, and no matter how bad the relationships are, and the negativity can be, they can never shake the foundation of you. Focus on that, and you will find that life can be so much more fulfilling.

[sexiespider]

My 1 cent worth..,

There's a limit, a threshold, in every one of us, for most things in life..

Guess after years of falling for a guy, developed from strangers to couple to lovers staying together .. And then witnessed betrayals, lies, cheating on one another, conflicts, society pressure, family pressure, (and the list of possible odds goes on) .. Until quarrel .. Cold war .. Break off .. And finally familiar strangers ...

And? Life goes on.. As most people would say .. So we move... Bump into yet another guy sometime later.. Repeat the above cycle again ... And again .. And again ... And. ...... Again ?

Of course .. Some lucky ones eventually found a compatible one, settle down, share each others life..

Some? Adapted.. Morphed and changed,.. Learnt the tricks in this game, and started to play the mastermind...

Some? Guess.. Maybe just bad luck? And after trials and trials...

Hope .. Leading to disappointment . Rebuild his hope just to drop into another disappointment .. N again... N again . N again?

Until? He tells himself, enough is enough.. Threshold is hit .. Limit is exceeded...

And he starts to lose trust in gays, lose faith in relationships, lose belief in commitment....

And then it becomes harder and harder for him to start "afresh", to start another relationship ..

Living in shadows of his pasts.. Unfair to the new guy !! Loser!!!! .... Some will say..

But.. Human brain.. There is no DEL button... We cannot choose what to forget....

Yet he knows it is unfair for the next person who walks into his life..

So he forced himself.. To believe again, to trust again..

But a human has limits to everything .. Including forcing oneself to ignore his past perceptions, to turn back time, and try to plunge blindly into the deep end of unknown in the new relationship, like in his first love...

So slowly he awakens.. Removed the layers of blindfolds on his eyes he bounded onto himself when he tried to start "afresh"....

The shadows of his pasts creeps back in.... Turning him into a over-sensitive, insecure, suspicious, petty, jealous freak...

Until his newly found potential bf runs away in fright ...

And this failed attempt again adds on to his burden of huanted pasts .....

And the vicious circle repeats .... Until?

Hi,

Just to quickly add, the point of the article is to explain that sometimes we start off on the wrong foot, and when we allow ourselves to go into something without truly understanding ourselves and how we start off, we might do something, such as go into a relationship, which might not be satisfactory. And we do not understand ourselves and how we had started off on the wrong foot, then we might keep going through the same thing - that is when we call it a "vicious cycle".

Thus, it is very important for us to realise that we might want to slow down, step back and understand how we can start things on the right foot - to really understand ourselves and love ourselves. When we are able to do that, we will know to meet others and allow people who will only be good to us into our lives.

When we are able to do that, we would lead happier lives.

The key thus is this - we need to learn to love ourselves and continue to introspect and look within - how can we understand how we are looking for love, why we are doing it and how we can learn to develop a relationship on the basis of understanding.

Thanks

Roy

[Guest Ironrod]

what is the benefit of this discussion? (my question is neutral, neither negative nor positive)

I tend to want to be attached to the guy even on first date, if I am physically attracted to him and he is attracted to me. I cant help it. But reality taught me that this kind of rs only last for 2 months or so.

<cutted>

btw, I'm into monogamous rs. cos that's the only way a rs can last. imo.

Boy, I just want to say u feel less "dirty" if u fxxk with your bf instead of a stranger?

That could be the actual reason why u sometimes attached on the first date cos it is the only way to have ilegit sex in your brains.

I use to be like u too - "Oh only can have sex if u are my bf" then I realize that is crap cos ppl WILL be your bf just to get u in bed.

End result? = Break up 2-3 Months

See my point?

[sexiespider]

I asked him, "Have you done the same before? Have you disappeared from someone's life before?" He said yes. And I asked, "Then you would remember why you had done it, and similarly why this guy had wanted to leave." Truth is, this guy would most probably have 'disappeared' because he realised that this relationship might not be what he wanted, and he didn't know how to explain to this boy, so he left quietly. See, if a guy doesn't think that things might work out between us, he wouldn't tell us! We wouldn't tell someone if we think that things might not work out. We wouldn't know how to! We would speak to our friends, wouldn't we? And even if we had felt sorry about leaving, we would keep quiet because we just don't know how to put it across. And we didn't want to look like the bad guy.

So, I asked him, "Isn't it hypocritical of us to want someone to explain to us and not 'hurt' us when they leave us, when we don't do the same to someone else we leave? If we would do the same to someone else, isn't it hypocritical for us not to understand?" Sometimes, we get upset because of our ego. We think only about ourselves and how others should meet our needs. And we get upset because we want to feel surrounded by our inner sadness, to feel that we are important, in some way. We give ourselves too much credit and we think that everything is about us, just a bit too much.

I told him not to take the 'break-up' personally. I told him that this is part and parcel of us getting to know people, and when it is time, we would move away from each other's lives and meet other people. We need to be aware that people have preferences and when they realise that we might not be what they are looking for, they might decide to leave. And we have to respect that. Because we do the same to other people! So, we need to have empathy to understand others, also because we would do the same and would wish that others understand us as well.

http://myrighttolove.com/2012/09/30/finding-love-as-a-gay-man-in-singapore-part-2/

[sexiespider]

As I learnt more about myself and my actions and behaviours to others, I learnt that if someone were to leave me, I would like to be able to know why the person did so. So, I thought to myself that if I were to have to leave someone, I woul

d need to be responsible to explain to him why I thought I had to leave. But how should you do that? Should you tell someone that you think that he is not compatible or that he is not the person that you are looking for? That would sound hurtful, wouldn't it? This is the main reason why many of would shy away from explaining, because we wouldn't be able to handle the reaction of how the person would feel if we had told them that.

Eventually, I learnt to explain that I am still unsure about what I want, and so I think it might be good if I leave because that's the responsible thing to do. I might also explain that after getting to know someone further, I might think that it might be better for us to 'slow down' and get to know each other first, before developing further. I had tried to frame things to be as a result of my perspective of myself, because of my uncertainty of myself, as it would be more acceptable to put the uncertainty on me than to think of the rationale as lying in someone else. Truth is, we need to know that we play a part in a relationship, and we need to admit that.

Similarly, I know that when people choose to leave me, they might not know how to explain their reason for wanting to do so, so since I would have an understanding as to why they might want to leave, I have learnt to respect that they have their reasons, and why it might feel difficult for them to have to explain to me their reasons. So, I have learnt to let it go, and accept that they have to leave. Most importantly, having an understanding and respect for their leaving allows us to move on with acceptance.

http://myrighttolove.com/2012/09/30/finding-love-as-a-gay-man-in-singapore-part-2/

[sexiespider]

It's true when they say you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. If we don't love ourselves, we will mainly seek out someone else whom we hope can love us - and replace the love that we should have learnt to love ourselve

s with. When we seek out a substitute for our self love, we might then not really love that person whom we seek out but make that person into someone they are not. We might imagine him to be someone else who he is not - someone else whom we hope he is - and think of this imaginary him as the person who is loving us. Eventually, when it comes to a point when we start to really get to know him, we might decide that we don't actually love him anymore - because he isn't the person we thought he is - or wanted him to be.

If you cannot accept yourself as a gay person, then how will you be able to go into a relationship with another gay person and be able to feel comfortable with it? You might start to have doubts about not only yourself, but the relationship as well. So, we need to learn to accept and love ourselves, and believe in ourselves. We need to work on ourselves first.

Based on my personal experience, you have to work on loving yourself, before you can enrich the relationship you form with someone else. A person might come into your life to spur you on, but you cannot rely on that to be the main source of teaching for you to love yourself. You have to have the commitment and willingness to start by working on loving yourself.

http://myrighttolove.com/2012/09/30/finding-love-as-a-gay-man-in-singapore-part-2/

[JonnyT]

I can only love straight man. That's MY right to love. Myself, I hope some straight non-gay man like my neighbour Martin will declare his adoration for me soon. Working on that. I was made to love somebody.

[Guest Jonnyt]

I was never meant to love a gay. That's is why he left me for many gays after nine months. In fact he was not just with me for 9 months. I was just one of the many he had during that 9 months. He was never meant to love me. He was meant to love many. He will continue to love many and in his next life as a sow, made love to by many many more pigs. Difference is in his next life, he will bear many many loves n loose them in each 9 months the sow lives to bear many many more.

[fallequinox01]

I was never meant to love a gay. That's is why he left me for many gays after nine months. In fact he was not just with me for 9 months. I was just one of the many he had during that 9 months. He was never meant to love me. He was meant to love many. He will continue to love many and in his next life as a sow, made love to by many many more pigs. Difference is in his next life, he will bear many many loves n loose them in each 9 months the sow lives to bear many many more.

:huh: :huh: :huh: :huh:

[sexiespider]

I was never meant to love a gay. That's is why he left me for many gays after nine months. In fact he was not just with me for 9 months. I was just one of the many he had during that 9 months. He was never meant to love me. He was meant to love many. He will continue to love many and in his next life as a sow, made love to by many many more pigs. Difference is in his next life, he will bear many many loves n loose them in each 9 months the sow lives to bear many many more.

Hi,

Just to add - the main aim of the article is to highlight that sometimes people do not know what they want or are doing, and might hurt someone else, or us, in the process.

If we are aware of that, we will not let people who are unsure into our lives, and we will learn to move on, if we do meet someone who is unsure and decide to leave us.

Thank you

Roy

[sexiespider]

I can only love straight man. That's MY right to love. Myself, I hope some straight non-gay man like my neighbour Martin will declare his adoration for me soon. Working on that. I was made to love somebody.

Like I say, we need to learn to love ourselves, so that we will learn to respect others as well.

[Guest Jonnyt]

I can help you.

If you are feeling doubts about your ability to create the life you want, then you most likely have limiting beliefs that are operating below your conscious awareness.

I can help you through a gentle, yet deep and powerful process. Together we access the subconscious beliefs that seem to keep you stuck. These subconscious beliefs form a software program that creates your life based on the information you gathered and believed about yourself from conception to about 7 years of age.

If you are experiencing blocks when you try to move forward in your life, it means that there are components of hurt within your subconscious software program. I can bring light and unconditional love to the hurt child inside you who is at the basis of your “oftware program. When the light and the hurts are brought together, only the ight remains and healing is the result. This process is actually quite easy and it can dramatically change your life!

You will directly experience acceptance, forgiveness and love for yourself as you are. Until you experience this unconditional love and acceptance, you not able to fully share love with others.

If you are hurting, you are actually the one you’ve been waiting for. When these parts of your mind come together – your wounded aspects and the light of truth that you really are – then, and only then can you experience love unconditionally. And it is only in the experience of unconditional love that we heal permanently. Once you feel your own love and acceptance, then you will be able to forgive others and release deep subconscious blocks that have seemed to separate you from the freedom, peace, abundance and love you naturally want.

I can help you naturally and gracefully step out of a victim mindset which actually has no power because it is an illusion and begin to experience yourself as love source created you: an unlimited Child of Love.

This will gently heal your subconscious mind by bringing it into resonance with who you actually are and should be, which creates harmony throughout your mind and being. Consequently, your life begins to flow in sync with what your heart truly wants to create and experience.

PM me for unlimited Love, Peace, Freedom, and Joy!

[sexiespider]

I can help you.

If you are feeling doubts about your ability to create the life you want, then you most likely have limiting beliefs that are operating below your conscious awareness.

I can help you through a gentle, yet deep and powerful process. Together we access the subconscious beliefs that seem to keep you stuck. These subconscious beliefs form a software program that creates your life based on the information you gathered and believed about yourself from conception to about 7 years of age.

If you are experiencing blocks when you try to move forward in your life, it means that there are components of hurt within your subconscious software program. I can bring light and unconditional love to the hurt child inside you who is at the basis of your “oftware program. When the light and the hurts are brought together, only the ight remains and healing is the result. This process is actually quite easy and it can dramatically change your life!

You will directly experience acceptance, forgiveness and love for yourself as you are. Until you experience this unconditional love and acceptance, you not able to fully share love with others.

If you are hurting, you are actually the one you’ve been waiting for. When these parts of your mind come together – your wounded aspects and the light of truth that you really are – then, and only then can you experience love unconditionally. And it is only in the experience of unconditional love that we heal permanently. Once you feel your own love and acceptance, then you will be able to forgive others and release deep subconscious blocks that have seemed to separate you from the freedom, peace, abundance and love you naturally want.

I can help you naturally and gracefully step out of a victim mindset which actually has no power because it is an illusion and begin to experience yourself as love source created you: an unlimited Child of Love.

This will gently heal your subconscious mind by bringing it into resonance with who you actually are and should be, which creates harmony throughout your mind and being. Consequently, your life begins to flow in sync with what your heart truly wants to create and experience.

PM me for unlimited Love, Peace, Freedom, and Joy!

Hi troll,

Not very classy to copy information from another website and paste it here: http://www.wellbeingalignment.com/newsletter.html

As I've said, if you learn to love yourself, you will learn to respect yourself.

You obviously want to say something here and want to feel involved but you do not know what to say - so you try initially to put out incoherent messages. Then next - to copy and paste information which you feel can compensate for your insecurities.

Like I said, learn to love yourself and respect yourself. When you do that, you will believe in yourself enough to know what and how you can say and feel useful about yourself.

Go think about it.

Roy

[Guest Jonnyt]

Hi Roy I am very sorry and I apologies for being flippant about this.

I am just so tired of pretending and being PC about everything. What is there to in learning to love and respect oneself, when you just about know no one is going to love n respect you for what you really are?

Sorry. I just don't want hear truth maybe. I will stop reading things like this. They don't make me think.

[sexiespider]

Hi Roy I am very sorry and I apologies for being flippant about this.

I am just so tired of pretending and being PC about everything. What is there to in learning to love and respect oneself, when you just about know no one is going to love n respect you for what you really are?

Sorry. I just don't want hear truth maybe. I will stop reading things like this. They don't make me think.

Hi,

That's what I used to think - I didn't believe I could love myself. My friends told me that I needed to learn to love myself but I thought that I could only find another guy who loves me - and if he truly loves me, I would be able to love myself.

That isn't true. Because if we don't love ourselves, no matter how much someone reaches out to love us, we will not allow them to guide us.

So, at one time, I stopped myself and decided - No! It's enough. I needed to learn to find the strength within myself, I needed to learn to believe in myself. I read many books to learn to be stronger, to learn to believe in myself, and eventually, to learn to trust myself and believe in myself to love myself.

I was spending more than 10 years waiting for someone to love me. I was waiting for more than 10 years knowing that I had insecurities and not dealing with them because I didn't feel strong. However, I have been spending the past 3 to 4 learning to be stronger and learning to love myself.

I know some people feel that it's difficult to love yourself - they feel that it's hard and I understand why. When I was feeling lonely and didn't love myself, I thought to myself that I don't even know what love is! Where do I find it? How do I achieve it? What can I do? I was at a loss and it felt difficult. But when I started searching, I allowed myself to read more and to take baby steps. And slowly, I was finding my way. Slowly, I began to learn more. I didn't start out wanting to love myself immediately. But I allowed myself to discover and to learn step by step.

And I am now a lot happier with who I am. It's not about pretending. It's about being true to yourself. It's about giving yourself the chance to take that step - to learn and to grow.

You said - "when you just about know no one is going to love n respect you for what you really are". I have learnt this - not everyone will like you, but that's not your problem. That's their problem. When you love yourself, you would know that you should only take seriously the care and concern of those who love you. And for those who don't, that's not for you to think about. You don't need that many friends. You only need yourself and those who are true to you.

But first, you have to be true to yourself. You have to love yourself. So, you have to start with yourself and think of yourself. It's not about looking outside and looking at others. It's about thinking about yourself and looking within.

I hope this helps.

Roy

[Guest Guest]

Hi Roy I am very sorry and I apologies for being flippant about this.

I am just so tired of pretending and being PC about everything. What is there to in learning to love and respect oneself, when you just about know no one is going to love n respect you for what you really are?

Sorry. I just don't want hear truth maybe. I will stop reading things like this. They don't make me think.

After going thru the numerous threads that the TS started, I m getting a little drained by the TS.

I think TS is in denial & his talks of loving oneself is getting a bit boring. He's probably envious of others better looking than him,

falls in with the idealism of love easily & like to seek warmth from this forum. If i m his bf, I would definitely disappear because I could not tahan his intellectualism(to compensate for what he lacks in life - looks, body?).

Sorry, I dun know what he wants - attention from this forum? His questions are like a doctorate thesis.

You need to stop asking all the WHYs about life.

Sit back, relax & let your mind rest.

Acceptance.

Silence.

Peace.

[zwei]

Essay competition..... Tltr

[Guest Guest]

Maybe you should consider turning straight. I know of some gals who would like your profile.

You are decent looking, smart, got personality but ..............

You would probably be happier married with kids.

If you dun believe me, you could start a thread asking BW guests/members to rate your desirability as a potential bf.

[Guest Guest]

Maybe you should consider turning straight. I know of some gals who would like your profile.

You are decent looking, smart, got personality but ..............

You would probably be happier married with kids.

If you dun believe me, you could start a thread asking BW guests/members to rate your desirability as a potential bf.

No thank you. I dont want a longwinded essay-writing, think-he-knows-all freak..

NEXT!