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Taking Care Of Elderly And Sick Parents


bluemarlin

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Take off on alternate Saturdays to join the support and learning group organised by Alzheimer's Dementia Association. It helped lots of caregivers and I think you will benefit from it too.

thanks :)

sleepy

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let you know something - i believe everyone has his own reasons for putting his parents in the old folks' home. i don't think it's wrong, and it's certainly not up to us to judge this... you've been very strong and fillial and i felt you've done what you can.

sometimes, the most painful thing is being unable to fully help and support the people you love the most. but as long as you have done your best, you don't have anything to be afraid of. all the best

anigif_enhanced-5397-1408658439-1.gif

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... pursuing support group idea, guys in such situation and genuinely interested could "show hands" (here or pv) so first of regularly meet-ups could be planned or held soonest. cheers!

Edited by LFM
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hi ALL, after reading the topic "Taking Care Of Elderly And Sick Parents", I know I am not alone too.... I have the same situation too.... my dad had a major stroke and was in a nursing home for the past 6 years... later my sibling n me think that was costing a boom (I have to give up my U to support the family and the bill) so we decided to hire a maid to take care of my dad in my home since I am still single and my mom and a handicap brother are staying with me.....

so my dad was taken care by the maid for another 6 years until he passed away 7 years ago.... but the problems never go away, my handicap brother had a stroke early this year but luckily he was sent to the hospital and had a major operation quick so his mobility was not highly affected.... but I am still worrying everyday about my elderly mom and this brother, what am I going to do if sickness or bad things is going to happen to them again.... knowing that nobody is going to help me including my sibling because all of them never help me (financially or mentally) during the taking care of my dad in my house for the past 6 years....

thank you guys for having this topic started in the forum.... i have some rough idea what to do if things really happen. ^_^

Edited by ThinkTank
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hi ALL, after reading the topic "Taking Care Of Elderly And Sick Parents", I know I am not alone too.... I have the same situation too.... my dad had a major stroke and was in a nursing home for the past 6 years... later my sibling n me think that was costing a boom (I have to give up my U to support the family and the bill) so we decided to hire a maid to take care of my dad in my home since I am still single and my mom and a handicap brother are staying with me.....

so my dad was taken care by the maid for another 6 years until he passed away 7 years ago.... but the problems never go away, my handicap brother had a stroke early this year but luckily he was sent to the hospital and had a major operation quick so his mobility was not highly affected.... but I am still worrying everyday about my elderly mom and this brother, what am I going to do if sickness or bad things is going to happen to them again.... knowing that nobody is going to help me including my sibling because all of them never help me (financially or mentally) during the taking care of my dad in my house for the past 6 years....

thank you guys for having this topic started in the forum.... i have some rough idea what to do if things really happen. ^_^

:(

Fattie bom bom walk down the street

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Yes filial piety is a diminishing virtue.

Self-centred-ness is the real issue here.

I have heard (and perhaps accepted) such excuses like

"I cant come to see mom because the kids are having tuition.

Yes the kids' education is important but cant (you) find time after dinner to pop-by?

Cannot. I've got to do housework (bloody what is your DH doing?).

You know, I am busy lah......"

Accept this BS...孝心去了哪?

以后你老了, 谁会照顾你哪?

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Yes filial piety is a diminishing virtue.

Self-centred-ness is the real issue here.

I have heard (and perhaps accepted) such excuses like

"I cant come to see mom because the kids are having tuition.

Yes the kids' education is important but cant (you) find time after dinner to pop-by?

Cannot. I've got to do housework (bloody what is your DH doing?).

You know, I am busy lah......"

Accept this BS...孝心去了哪?

以后你老了, 谁会照顾你哪?

Come to think about it, i guess i do not want to bad mouth any of my siblings. They can do what they like and i believe the earth is round, what you throw will eventually come back to you. Some people may tell you not to worry i have plans ahead for my old age, i will not burden my children, i wil save enough in case i am senile or inmobile, bla bla bla.......................... I have heard enough and i shall see.

What our concern is to make a better life for the old folk and of cos we should also learn to enjoy our life.

sleepy

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怨气发尽了。。还是孝心最隽永。

人生也不过生老病死。。 我们也只是在地球上的过客。。。

愿各位富有爱心的兄弟姐妹: 身体健康, 有心就好。。

Really after venting my little anger out, it is back to looking after the aged parent.

Money can be earned.. friends and family members may not be your best support in these trying times but at the very least, we know we are doing something we OUGHT to do as sons and daughters. Keep up the good work and you will be rewarded handsomely (up there!)

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It'll always be tough to care for the elderly/sick etc...

We all have our contrains...financially of otherwise..it'll cettainly take it's toll.

One needs to be strong minded too....make sure caregivers(oneself included) get their breaks too.

Pace yourself to give the best care for the longterm if need be...ie dont burnout...at times love can quickly be replaced by frustration and even hatred.

Make decisions that hopefully is the best for all concerned...easier said of course.

Take care.

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It'll always be tough to care for the elderly/sick etc...

We all have our contrains...financially of otherwise..it'll cettainly take it's toll.

One needs to be strong minded too....make sure caregivers(oneself included) get their breaks too.

Pace yourself to give the best care for the longterm if need be...ie dont burnout...at times love can quickly be replaced by frustration and even hatred.

Make decisions that hopefully is the best for all concerned...easier said of course.

Take care.

久病无孝子。

sleepy

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I'm living with both of my aged parents as well and I'm the only child. Both my parents are of age of at least 70 yrs old each. I envy some of u here who have siblings whom at least u can turn to for help in case parents falling sick, taking care of them if u are away overseas, etc, but for me I can only rely on myself to take care of them when they are sick. I'm not so sure of my relatives' willingness to help as I have never asked them for help so far (as in take care of my parents).

I also had the thought of putting them in old folks home before but financially and emotionally I'm not able to do it.

I still remember some people who had told me this before:

1. 'Remember to bring ur parents out often for shopping, makan, etc'

2. 'U r very fortunate that both ur parents are still around with you at their age'

I believe these are some of the push factors that made me try and do my best to take gd care of them to be in gd health for as long as they can be with me.

Edited by Pat
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I'm living with both of my aged parents as well and I'm the only child. Both my parents are of age of at least 70 yrs old each. I envy some of u here who have siblings whom at least u can turn to for help in case parents falling sick, taking care of them if u are away overseas, etc, but for me I can only rely on myself to take care of them when they are sick. I'm not so sure of my relatives' willingness to help as I have never asked them for help so far (as in take care of my parents).

I also had the thought of putting them in old folks home before but financially and emotionally I'm not able to do it.

I still remember some people who had told me this before:

1. 'Remember to bring ur parents out often for shopping, makan, etc'

2. 'U r very fortunate that both ur parents are still around with you at their age'

I believe these are some of the push factors that made me try and do my best to take gd care of them to be in gd health for as long as they can be with me.

same situation. Whether they are push factors to me or not are kinda moot. ;-)

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after holding on for so long and all the pent up tensions, all hell broke loose this evening...

i feel bad now.

sighs...

Hey boy, i think i can know how you feel bcos this happen to me day in day out. we lost temper and we became guilty subsequently. I do not know how to console you but i can feel exactly how you feel. if u need someone to talk to i can be your listening ear.

Jon

sleepy

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Just to share my little side of my personal story: It was about 5 years ago, my mum felled down the stairs while coming back from the market, as i was supposed to be helping her with the groceries( i was busy then), my siblings started blaming me for not helping her with the groceries, after the fall, my mum had a major operation, somehow, after the 2nd op, she was not able to walk, hence, she was left wheel-chair bounded, she became depressed and developed a sort of mental illness, this disability caused her depression to set in even further, and it took a huge turmoil on my family, being the middle child, and the one that was being blamed, i was thrown to take care of her(Washing clothes, cooking, taking her to bathroom trips), as i just finished Ns then, it was really hard for me (Needs to find s job while tending to her needs). At times when her depression sets in, she would scream and shout, i still remembered she would use the iron to burn my arms if i didn't iron my dad's clothes properly, she would pour piping hot soup on my arms if it didn't taste good, all and all, i didn't stop taking care of her, yes i felt guilty, why didn't i help then? why? this haunts me every single day, yes, everyday i sleep with guilt etched across my heart, not only did her illness affect me mentally, it was also costly, we spent over 300k++ over the years, i had yo work as a trainee teacher to support the family's expenses, anothet side of me was worried about her falling down at home, even though till this date, i'm constantly being blamed, but i've not given up on her, as i caused her to suffer this fate, this terrible fate that haunts me as i close my eyes...

Well, lastly, just a piece of advice; to all the youngsters out there, u all may find your parents naggy, irritating, but remember, she was the one that changed ur smelly diapers, wiped ur bottoms, scrimed and saved every cent to buy u milk powder, told u that she loved chicke and fish bones and let u have all the meat, put u thru school, gave u shelter abv ur heads.. Never have i once thought abt putting her in a nursing home, no matter how tired i am, if not me? who?...

I'm happy because I learnt to be contented. Black & White life with surprising rainbows sometimes. ;) 
Your Friendly Gay "Cher"

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Just to share my little side of my personal story: It was about 5 years ago, my mum felled down the stairs while coming back from the market, as i was supposed to be helping her with the groceries( i was busy then), my siblings started blaming me for not helping her with the groceries, after the fall, my mum had a major operation, somehow, after the 2nd op, she was not able to walk, hence, she was left wheel-chair bounded, she became depressed and developed a sort of mental illness, this disability caused her depression to set in even further, and it took a huge turmoil on my family, being the middle child, and the one that was being blamed, i was thrown to take care of her(Washing clothes, cooking, taking her to bathroom trips), as i just finished Ns then, it was really hard for me (Needs to find s job while tending to her needs). At times when her depression sets in, she would scream and shout, i still remembered she would use the iron to burn my arms if i didn't iron my dad's clothes properly, she would pour piping hot soup on my arms if it didn't taste good, all and all, i didn't stop taking care of her, yes i felt guilty, why didn't i help then? why? this haunts me every single day, yes, everyday i sleep with guilt etched across my heart, not only did her illness affect me mentally, it was also costly, we spent over 300k++ over the years, i had yo work as a trainee teacher to support the family's expenses, anothet side of me was worried about her falling down at home, even though till this date, i'm constantly being blamed, but i've not given up on her, as i caused her to suffer this fate, this terrible fate that haunts me as i close my eyes...

Well, lastly, just a piece of advice; to all the youngsters out there, u all may find your parents naggy, irritating, but remember, she was the one that changed ur smelly diapers, wiped ur bottoms, scrimed and saved every cent to buy u milk powder, told u that she loved chicke and fish bones and let u have all the meat, put u thru school, gave u shelter abv ur heads.. Never have i once thought abt putting her in a nursing home, no matter how tired i am, if not me? who?...

i am feeling sad for you after reading your post. I guess its hard for you as you are only 27, whereas most of us here are in our late 30s to 40s. I respect you as you might be young but you are a sensible boy. keep up the good works and we shall support each other here in this forum. Cheers.

sleepy

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Im no longer a boy marlin haha, now i'm an educator nuturing future generations, it seems as tho with the passing on of generations, family values are no longer valued.

I'm happy because I learnt to be contented. Black & White life with surprising rainbows sometimes. ;) 
Your Friendly Gay "Cher"

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dear raind

don't worry about the rice cooker, u can easily cook porridge with a small pot, that's what we use at home. How about putting minced pork or small pieces of fish in the porridge as well? Sometimes, a century egg helps. Well, things they are used to can put them at ease...... sometimes ^_^ We have biscuits (old types), cereals and bread on standby; in fact, these are good replacements as they have more nutrition than plain porridge, oh and with a hot drink preferably Milo or Horlicks (again, nutrition).

ya, my mum insists on doing things on her own timing ......... whatever hahaha :yuk: . If that happens, we walk away and leave her alone and continue what we do. If she doesn't want to eat, we'll keep her portion for later; usually she's ok. PS: we now have to take turn to feed her, so each small spoon will have a little meat, vegetables and rice with gravy or soup.

i think as time goes by, you will be more tolerant of your mum and yourself. Your heart is in the right place but we are just human. So, take a deep breath in and breathe out (OFTEN). At the stage where my mum was once being very agitating, I found giving her assurance through simple massage helped. As she has dry skin, i apply moisturiser on her time to time, her hands, arms, back, legs and feet. It was a good time to massage her; no words exchanged, she sat on the sofa watching tv, i sat on the floor. I think it calmed her a little.

......... remember to have a good rest :clap:

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Just to share my little side of my personal story: It was about 5 years ago, my mum felled down the stairs while coming back from the market, as i was supposed to be helping

Reading your story it nearly brought me to tears as I recall my own story with my dad.

Anyway, if you guys just need a listening ear in person or SMS, just PM me.

Edited by robin
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I don't really know what's that fish, well, im teaching food sciece as well as geography, so if any mmbrs needs help with dietary/ meal planning tips for the elderly pls feel free to either drop me a PM or comment here :)

-Cheers;

Alex

I'm happy because I learnt to be contented. Black & White life with surprising rainbows sometimes. ;) 
Your Friendly Gay "Cher"

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I too am the youngest of the family and didnt have much say in my family decisions , My dad passed away when i was 17 and my mum was the one who brought up 8 kids till one by one married and moved out. We did have my mums flat till one day she sold it to help a brother of mine and so my mum and I was left with no home of our own and lived with my brother or sister who could accomodate us.

Then one day she ask me to get a flat as she wanted a room of her own and so i did get a three room flat. Initially i could leave the house for work and my mum would be fine and sometimes my sisters would pop by or she go visit them. This went on for a few years till she started showing signs of some illness and breathlessness. Doctor couldnt find anything so with meds she continued her routine till one day she was getting sick and she couldnt breath properlyand straight away we brought her to the hospital. The hospital took nearly a whole day before they drop a bomb on us and that my mum was on the final stage of lung cancer. we didnt know what to do or what would happen and started to find out all about lung cancer and how long she had left in this world.

Life now had to change as we didnt want her to be left alone at any time and so we made plans for somebody to always be around her. My sisters were the best and made time and my brothers off and on were at my place and with this my place was like a party everyday she lived. As for me whenever i had time with her was finding out what she wanted to do and then plan with my brothers and sisters on how to make it happen. She roughly knew what was happening but we didnt talk much about it when she was around.and just talk about family stuff . Life is such that when you have them you dont really appreciate them and when you dont have them you miss them . My family is a very close knit family and with this it got them even closer and what i didnt know was how proud my family was of me in taking care of my mum but to me it was nothing special as she was my mum and this is my duty. My mum went thru more times of going back to the hospital and thn coming home as she didnt like staying at the hospital and our lives was moving but just in a different pace. We brought her to anywhere she wanted to go and we did have many family gatherings and trips till she couldnt travel and then it became just coming over to my place. My mum survive 7 months after we found out about her cancer but i know it was the best times she had with the whole family.

What i am trying to say is parents are the ones who brought you into this world, they work hard to make sure you get educated and are healthy. How you turn out is not only what they tell you or show you and hope you turn out a fine adult one day too.

What i got from my parents but mostly my mum is being independent, achieve high, don't judge anybody,lots and lots of my mum's recipe and not forgetting more respect from my elder brothers and sisters.

Love them while you still can

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  • 2 weeks later...

I lost my temper again. She keep saying she has not taken her dinner and claim that she is waiting for me to eat together. I ask the maid but she says mom has taken at 5.30pm. When i told her she has already taken then she turn to the maid and scolded her. I am upset and angry.

I know the maid is gonna leave after her 2 year contract due. I wont expect any miracle. No human can tolerate my mom's nuisance. Can u imagine she doesnt allow maid to eat because she thinks the foods are meant for me. For so many times i told her i wont be eating and the foods are for her and the maid. Poor thing, the maid always got to wait until i reach home around 9+ then she quietly hide at one corner to eat the left over foods that has turn cold.

I dont know how long more can i tolerate. I dont know what will happen if the maid left.

sleepy

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blumarlin, this is just a simplified suggestion:

can the maid cook a little more or does your mum still cook? If your maid can do that, it'll be easier as while your mum have her meal, the maid can eat somewhere else or later while your mum is watching tv and still have a 'token' portion for you. And if she needs another 'serving', then 'your' portion can be used. This can be difficult if your mum still checks the kitchen. Tidbits and a 'thank you' for the maid then ;)

a standard time for meals can help.

i had it easier: my mom used to always say "eat liow". We had to find reasons to feed her food and water...... glad in a way she's obedient..... for now.

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@bluemarlin,

Losing temper - it happens once in a while. And almost always, I'll feel guilty. However, it gets easier to manage my feelings as time goes by. When I realised my mom wouldn't be able to change, I rationalised to myself that it's pointless to explain or argue as the whole cycle would repeat. No point getting angry or frustrated, keep yourself happy.

A big hug to you.

Edited by glowingember

After all, tomorrow is another day. ~ S O'Hara

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thanks glowingember, i fully understood that she is in the state whereby she has lost her control and logical mind. I also know that its me that need to tune my mind set. However, its hard for me as i am really exhausted.

anyway i really appreciate your advice and understanding.

"hug back:"

sleepy

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oh i see. I am sorry i am moody today so didnt think of that. Anyway so upset today until i got no mood...

I use this method when I'm upset:

All the stress, frustrations and challenges...they appear at the present state of mind.

I tell myself that in an hour's time or tomorrow at this time, things will be peaceful.

After all, tomorrow is another day. ~ S O'Hara

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I left for a 2 weeks break in Taiwan.

Before I left, I ensured the following:

1. The maid knows who to contact in times of emergency although she can always whatsapp/viber/email me.

2. She gets her current and following month's pay.

3, I set aside another $500 in the drawer and told her to use it for the daily household expenses.

4. She and I made a trip to the supermarket and bought the essential* items for the next 2 weeks.

5. She apportions the medication for my mother correctly.

During the trip, I did not call home.

I trust and respect my maid.

I bought her a small bag in her favourite colour and for my mother, more boxes of Taiwan pineapple tarts.

*Essential items:

Simple first-aid items

Batteries for torch light/candles should there be blackout

Shampoo and other toiletries

How to overcome the awful feeling of burnt-out (for looking after your aged parents/siblings):

- if time permits, go out for some fresh air. Hit the gym (we still want to look presentable)

- buy yourself your comfort food .. I am a OCK curry puff maniac

- listen to your favourite music - I recommend 蔡琴, 赵鹏, 黄小琥 or anything soothing.

Of course, you can scream your lungs out with Lady Gaga/Adele..

Just do anything that can lift your spirits...

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it is really tough to take care of old folks. when my dad was hospitalized and was not able to move around after discharged. my mum had to take care of him. I tried to help out when I can when I am not working. The last few months was the worst. He practically woke us up with all his requests throughout the night until he passed away this year.

but it is not the end for me. now my mum got nobody to talk to. she will always complain and talk to me. sometimes, when i am tired after work, still have to endure this long period of listening to her whine and complains. everyday, i can guess what she will complain and whine.

those who stay out alone, better enjoy it.

for those who are like me, i can only tell you. you are not alone, just endure. sometimes it makes me very moody most of the time. and the worst is, she never try to put herself in my shoe how tiring it is to work and returned home and continue to 'work' at home.

Edited by happy.99
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It's really not easy to take care of elderly parents, especially mine i must say suffering from mental illnesses, my mum is notin the right state of mind most of the time. Just today, she poured coffee onto my work computer. Refused to heed my advice on what to eat and gorged on snacks. I felt like my mind was about to go into a state of fury at that moment..

however, it's all down to endurance, love and care isn't it?. To all facing the same situation, stay strong, and let's pull thru this ravenous stage of life.

I'm happy because I learnt to be contented. Black & White life with surprising rainbows sometimes. ;) 
Your Friendly Gay "Cher"

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even taking care of those mentally sound also very difficult already. i cannot imagine what Alexandre is going thru. it is really that difficult despite of people around me telling me to endure. i endure from hair black now white hair come out. i was tortured at night cannot sleep then have to go work in the morning. when i did my third shift last time even worst.

that is why old folk home is a better choice, if you can afford it.

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It never cross my mind of sending my folks to old folk home. We did think of nursing home, but i know i cant bear to. I know she will be bullied there, more or less. Do you think those foreign workers can tolerate our folks ? sometimes even we can not tahan, dont talk about outsiders who just there to work for salary. So, unless i really cant get a maid, otherwise i will never send to nursing home.

sleepy

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even taking care of those mentally sound also very difficult already. i cannot imagine what Alexandre is going thru. it is really that difficult despite of people around me telling me to endure. i endure from hair black now white hair come out. i was tortured at night cannot sleep then have to go work in the morning. when i did my third shift last time even worst.

that is why old folk home is a better choice, if you can afford it.

Some situations are beyond us and Homes could be a better option.

Take care.

After all, tomorrow is another day. ~ S O'Hara

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