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Open Relationships: What People Don’T Want You To Know


GachiMuchi
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Open Relationships: What People Don’t Want You To Know

17th Oct 2013

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While my “Common Relationship Mistakes Gay Men Make” can be both controversial and loved, allot of people have problems with the whole “Open relationships are a mistake thing.” Allot of opinions have arisen from simply assuming I was telling you to NOT be in an open relationship. That’s not the case at all. However, I was telling you that open relationships can be excuses to not work on your relationship or just a reason to fuck around. And as I read all of your comments good and bad, I have to say I call bullshit on some. Allot of gays try to copy and re-enact my “mistakes” (unsuccessfully might I add) but most opinions are more complicated than mines. And yes, I said opinions. These are my opinions. But the difference between a human sexuality lesson, an angry gay who shoots down any advice, and life experiences is that the latter is a huge part of who we are as people. 

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We did not learn about sex from Phys. Ed. We learned it from life experiences both personally and what we’ve observed. I’ve seen many open relationships in my lifetime and I can say first hand that my first “mistake” is truly a real one. Many gays don’t like to say it, but they do get into an open relationship because they make too many excuses. They don’t like to think they make mistakes so they use defense mechanisms. But the truth is, open relationships while they aren’t always a bad thing, they can be detrimental. 

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What I’ve seen in most of my friendships with couples who mostly have open relationships is: lack of respect towards one another, a flame gone out, a inability to get out of that Peter Pan syndrome and trying to fix something that’s already broken. A reader informed me today that there are “studies” that open relationships DO work. Well of course they do! You get to have a meaningful relationship and then sleep around. Sounds like a win win situation if I ever saw any. 

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But how about we take the hand away that covers the sky and get to the facts: STD’s are easily spread through open relationships, and if there is a “you do you but don’t tell me about it” that many open relationships employ, then you have a very real chance of contracting a disease whether you agree or not. Open relationships always seem to be a sweet spot for many people LGBT and straight because you can have your cake and eat it too. 

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There is this notion that open relationships are extremely healthy and you can lead a normal life and be just fine doing it. Most of these opinions come from Metropolitan gays who either populate Chelsea, San Fran or any other heavily populated gay areas. They have tons of men at their disposal especially with all these apps and websites. So you tell me. It might just seem like being in an open relationship is pretty new normal to you too right? But what about gay men who don’t have tons of bars and clubs in handy? What happens when they want to be in an open relationship and they can only find a handful of men in their area? Is it the same “study” as the one a reader mentioned previously?

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You see certain gay men go by the “there is no right and wrong and your words don’t mean shit” method. They are threatened by the truth and by the very foundation of what an open relationship means. While exploring your sexuality and doing whatever you want is fine including an open relationship, it just seems like the typical scapegoat answers to prove a point. It’s just like when a Christian goes to the bible to use a verse to back their own special point of view. 
Open relationships are fine. You can have multiple partners and if your boyfriend or husband is fine with it, go for it. But common sense really needs to kick in or I’d be happy to get jumper cables for your brain. Every open relationship I know has by tradition become meaningless and existential. It is as much of a fad as MC Hammer pants. Its always a good idea when you think about it, not a good one when you actually do it. 

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Let’s have some examples. Your boyfriend comes home to surprise you with dinner and some alone time but you’re fucking a stranger or your usual go to fuck buddy. In a porn mentality it just seems like a dream come true. But think about it. You are fucking a person you don’t know versus the person you love who wants to spend time with you. You start to lose respect for what matters. You start to lose the fact that you really love your boyfriend’s body even if time has passed. 

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You are saying that your boyfriend is no longer sexy enough to look at every night. That monogamy is only for boring people. That having another person in your bed fulfills your relationship when in fact it only satisfies what you want. There are even times when even though you’ve both agreed to having an open relationship one feels left out or afraid to say “I don’t want you to have sex with that guy tonight.” The addiction to knowing you can have anybody you want can feed your ego and it can make you forget how your partner is feeling. 

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But let’s look at it from another angle. 5 years have passed and it seems like an open relationship is a perfect idea. All is going well and it has not at all disrupted the way you look at your lives. But what happens when you age and those club boys don’t want you anymore? What happens when you’ve slept with the whole tri-state area and you need to travel out to fuck more people? Is this a healthy relationship or are you fueling a sexual addiction? You really have to think about all these things. When will you say “I’m done with fucking other people I just want you.” What happens? Will your partner feel comfortable with that? Will he feel like going back to “normal” is okay or will he eventually leave you for someone more adventurous? Will you leave him for someone more adventurous?

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Anything you do that involves risky behavior has consequences. And there is a very real opportunity to fall in love with someone else, spend more time with other men, or really devalue the worth of who you’re with at the moment. It means its okay for you to randomly flirt and get to know other men without that attachment but we’re human and what if you find someone better, cuter, smarter, funnier? Than you’re basically saying to your partner “Be good to me or you might just get replaced.” 
From my very real observations with friends in the gay community who have been in open relationship or are currently in one, the following has happened:

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Estrangement: A very weird distance between the couple. They seem to be in love on the outside but something is always brewing on the inside. Random guys will come to their house and they’ve seemed to compete for their attention or they secretly get super jealous but still allow it to happen. This awkwardness stems from so much open trust that you lose control of what’s happening and it just down spirals. You don’t know where he is what he’s doing, but you can’t ask him either because if he says something you don’t like you have to go with it. 

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Social Status & Money: Some friends that are in open relationships always complain about one another when the other is not around. They seem to always say that the other can be replaced whether it be money issues or friendships. There is a total lack of respect and a lack of responsibility. The couple starts to experience this emotional detachment. They start to be void and empty and shallow and have excuses they think seem valid. 

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Friends Or Fuck Buddies: Once the couple is knee deep in the open relationship they can’t differentiate whether they can keep a friend or not. They seem to only stick to people who are either unattractive or totally brother material as friends. Any other friend is possibly a target to fuck. The class goes out the window and its a free pass to suck the dick of that hot friend you’ve always borderline flirted with before. It just seems like the world is a personal playground and friendships aren’t options anymore until you’ve fucked the friend and then you don’t want to be around him anymore. 

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Awkward Moments: As I mentioned before, I’ve had friends who have asked me to the bar or club with them because their boyfriend was hosting a fuck buddy at home. They then tell me how this is annoying and how this cannot go on. They tell me they’ve found dirty underwear, empty condom wrappers, dirty sheets and missing money. What really happens is that while you may think you have control of something has now spiraled into no man’s land, or ALL MAN’S LAND. 

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Arguments A Plenty: When the friends I knew had open relationships, they seemed to always have something to fight about. It just seemed deeper and angrier than other arguments. They start throwing all this dirt and one finds out the partner slept with close friends and the other partner feels betrayed. They can’t look at the other partner in the eye and not be disgusted. But the problem is they call certain things cheating and other things NOT cheating so its plenty to get a headache about.

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Now understand that all relationships are different but I guarantee EVERY open relationship will run through these problems because they are inevitable. I am all about having fun and doing what you want, but when it comes to the sake of analyzing this topic, all arrows point towards a Pandora’s Box. Some gay men may never face problems but that’s hard to believe. Some may have clever ways of dealing with it and saying they’ve never been through what I just mentioned (defense mechanism). But I guarantee, everything I said here will be scrutinized because the truth is the truth. But I rather tell you what other people don’t so you can see what other people know and don’t ever say.

 

You might also want to read about :

 

7 Break-Up Mistakes Gay Men Make

 

Common Relationship Mistakes Gay Men Make

 

Common Relationship Mistakes Emotionally Unavailable Gay Men Make

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