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Common Relationship Mistakes Emotionally Unavailable Gay Men Make


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Written By: Xavii Matisse  24th Oct 2013


We’ve all dated one. It’s like an initiation to life. Dating an emotionally unavailable men. It’s the source of our songs. The reason we say “Lesson learned.” The very reason some of us live in fear of ever having a normal relationship. But what if I told you that this has been a ploy to fool you? That these men never had anything wrong with them and that you were just a pawn in their game of life. What if all the pain and suffering you went through could have been avoided, but you allowed it to go on and on? 75% of Gay men experience a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man. Here are the common relationship mistakes they make that end up ruining your life for no good reason.

8. Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies: It’s no secret that he’s reading you from the moment he met you. The times you thought you had your guard up was only in your mind. You let your guard down the minute he walked in. He knew you were in need of a man who could ignore you when others didn’t. It took your mind off of your usual “I’m an open book” chatter. He never really asked you a question about you that he genuinely wanted to know. He was only indulging you in your own questions. And he never really answered any of the questions you asked. He always kept it impersonal. Why? Because you were not the first or last that fell for his standoffish charm. Had he been a guy who immediately went into his entire life and catered to you, you would have felt empty and incomplete. You would’ve thought, “Well damn he talks too much” or “He’s being way to informative.” TMI. He pays for your food but makes you feel like he wasn’t going to. When he does, you feel a sense of awe. it never occurred to you he contemplated on not buying you that meal. And when you want to keep the night going, he’ll immediately say, “I have an event that I have to go to but I will call you again for sure.” He’s lying. He’s going to a friend’s house to have drink, talk about anything but you and then hit the gym. You were NEVER his type. But he liked that you thought you were. So he DOES call you again.


7. I Can’t Get Past It: You’ve already met 3 times and each time you get to know a little more about him. A normal guy would have really let you in and made you feel important. He would have made you feel like this is going really good. You’re still in the woods of what this is which annoys and thrills you. Part of you is over it, and part of you wants to jump his bones. You like what you can’t have. So understand that you will pay those consequences. He seems to like you more genuinely, but he knows you like the extra attention so he gives it to you in doses. Just enough to keep you high. You drink too much say too much, and he finds that cute. He carries you to his car and makes out with you. You feel this instant spark and immediately he’s the guy you feel a connection with. Meanwhile, you don’t know much at all about him. But you just believe in soulmates and all of that. But no matter what you do, you know deep inside he’s distant and there’s a good reason for it. (When there really isn’t…at least not the ones you think it is).


6. Let Me Love You: It’s been going steady. And its dragging a little. His texts are one words, your emails don’t get long responses and he cancelled once. You are worried as hell. Could you have made the wrong decision? Of course you did but you think there is hope. There’s really no other guy that you like that is quite like him. Because he’s doing everything you don’t like. And that excites you. You finally meet him for coffee and you ask him what’s the deal. He doesn’t seem to understand where you’re coming from. But he does know. And he knows everything that you’re about to say. He knew it the minute you called instead of texted and said, “We need to talk. Let’s have coffee.” This gave him ample time to get his bullshit straight and bring the perpetual violins. Just when you think you aren’t getting through to him, he says “I don’t know. I’ve just been through allot and my ex really hurt me.” That’s code for “I’m letting you know I’m not going to make you happy so run for the hills right NOW!!” But instead you are kittens and puppies. You felt a breakthrough and you just really needed to hear that. And that’s okay because honestly you just care. He doesn’t. 


5. Is It Or Isn’t It: You feel like despite the time that has passed and little progress, you’re ready to make this guy your boyfriend. He holds your hand at the bar, he cuddles with you and like any normal gay you want to be happy. So you decide to ask him. BIG MISTAKE. Normally, you’d have every right. It’s a give in. But this guy hasn’t given you anything you deserve in step one, so how does that translate into giving you what you want in step 2? When you meet him to ask him, he already knows. He’s dreading this. He probably even said, “Let’s meet tomorrow I work til’ late.” He’s stalling. When you finally ask him, he acts as if he’s been waiting all along and says “Yeah let’s do it!” His over excitement is his nerves kicking in. This means he’s dating somebody else. Didn’t expect that did you? While checking other people’s phones is really not a good idea, if you did check you’d see that ex-boyfriend text that cautiously flirts. You’ll also read how he makes sure not to say anything too bad so that YOUR new boyfriend’s OTHER boyfriend that you still don’t know about doesn’t find out. While this may be a happy day in your life because you missed all the signs, he’s over you and he’s dating other people. But you were too wrapped up in your ideals that you missed the mark. 


4. Even More Distant: You’re now finding excuses for him when you meet up with your friends. It’s his relationship with his alcoholic mother. His phobia of getting hurt. He’s used to being single so he’s not used to having a boyfriend. Bullshit, bullshit and more bullshit. His mother and his phobia has nothing to do with it. It was made up. He’s finding ways too avoid you. He thought he could let his guard down and slip up this once and be happy but he’s attracted to everyone even more now that he’s taken. Every guy looks more attractive, every friend of yours looks like fair game and shit is getting rough. He’s complaining about things you’re not doing, complaining that you’re texting too much or calling too much even when you’re not. He starts to make you feel stupid and small. He makes you feel like you don’t have a right to be personal with him. Sex is good but not great. He doesn’t hold you after sex and it just seems all wrong. You are now reaping the benefits of an emotionally unavailable gay man. So now you have become weirdly needy.


3. Rocky Road: You paved the way with good intentions but no matter how you slice it, the tension has high. You’re no longer crying on the phone or feeling empty. You don’t find it a good challenge to make him open open. You’ve HAD IT. OFFICIALLY. You’ve succumbed to having small talks and trying to get through him but now he says mean things to you, he turns off his phone, he hangs out with people you don’t like on purpose and he’s mentioning breaking up allot. You are now over it. You feel like you have to make a decision but just when you think you have it all figured out, he pulls you back in. He apologizes, he spends a whole day with you and you both sleep in each other’s arms. But it’s not the same. And eventually he tells you he’s suffocated and he needs to step away for a bit. A bit means allot and now you feel like you did something wrong. Like it was your fault this whole relationship went down the drain. Which is partially true. Because you missed all the signs. 

2. The Real Truth: He was never into you. And he tried at times to throw you a bone but it just wasn’t happening. Not because you were unattractive. Not because you were annoying. Not because you were overbearing, but because he knew he could pick on you. Much like a bully picks on smaller kids, he chose to try and lighten up your world because he saw how vulnerable you were. He told you what you wanted to hear and then he ripped your heart out. Years later, this is a tragic love story you think made you stronger. But you never really learned the lesson because you didn’t know what went wrong to begin with. You think you did but you didn’t. This is when the truth comes out and fate has you meeting with exes of his and people he knows or knew. They tell you who he really was and it suddenly all makes sense. 

1. Why Do Emotionally Unavailable Men Do This: Many, many reasons. A narcissist complex. He thinks he’s God’s gift to gay men. He thinks he has this sexy aura that sedates guys and he goes too far with it. He never meant to turn you on. Right? It could also be insecurity. He needs to know that he’s wanted that he’s desired. he may get bored easily so the more guys that react to him the way you do, the better. He may get high off of it. He could be genuinely finding the right one but his wild oats just don’t seem to have been sown yet. He struggles within himself to transform the playboy into boyfriend. But it never happens. So he leaves a trail of broken hearts behind him. Chances are he will eventually age gracefully, be in a loving committed relationship with some hot guy and you will gnaw your teeth in disgrace. But look at it this way, he will never be truly happy because he settled for the idea of what he thinks life should be, and when karma turns around and kicks him in the teeth, let’s see who will be smiling then. This is a cautionary tale for all of those who fall for these traps. These men are not creatures hoping to be harnessed. They are original players and while they are human and sometimes have their heart in the right place, they still haven’t matured. When you run into these men, steer clear. Don’t think you can play him at his game. He’s just in another level. You’re better than that. Find a man that really cares about you enough to make you happy. 


You might also want to read about :


7 Break-Up Mistakes Gay Men Make


Common Relationship Mistakes Gay Men Make


Open Relationships: What People Don’T Want You To Know

Edited by G_M
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