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I Am Gay, But I Can't Accept Myself + 同性恋不能接受自己是同性恋 + depressed for being gay (Compiled)


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Guest Larry bmw

 I Guess it must be painful to know that sucidal is a last min action. None actually knew that itself will be going to do something foolish, but by only at that start of an hour phase. Another prejudice possibility, sucidal is not planned but is an action that happened to realise by the first thought, as that is the bravest heart of mankind. It looks similar to driving with a quick minded concept. 

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6 hours ago, Guest Larry bmw said:

 I Guess it must be painful to know that sucidal is a last min action. None actually knew that itself will be going to do something foolish, but by only at that start of an hour phase. Another prejudice possibility, sucidal is not planned but is an action that happened to realise by the first thought, as that is the bravest heart of mankind. It looks similar to driving with a quick minded concept. 


sorry to break it to you, but suicide is definitely premeditated for some people.

it is an idea turning in the head for a long time, seen as a solution or escape.


it is by far the least bravest thing, so i discourage you from glorifying suicide.

🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑

 

 

 

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15 hours ago, Andrew ang525 said:

are there any other who are angry or frustrated that they are born gay?

???

With perhaps 100 million gays in the world, there surely are others who would prefer to have been born straight. 

But why should we care?

There are women frustrated to have been born women, same with men, blacks, short ones, big ones, those with birth defects, etc. etc.

Why not be happy over not having been born a cockroach?

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Guest Cock Rouge
32 minutes ago, Steve5380 said:

???

With perhaps 100 million gays in the world, there surely are others who would prefer to have been born straight. 

But why should we care?

There are women frustrated to have been born women, same with men, blacks, short ones, big ones, those with birth defects, etc. etc.

Why not be happy over not having been born a cockroach?

I will be happy being born a cockroach. For one, i can fly and pretend to be batman.

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  • 3 weeks later...
1 hour ago, Andrew ang525 said:

What are something you guys do, to kick yourself out of depression?

Make friends and find love. Period. Gives you direction in life, they are the ones that are probably going through the exact same inner demons as you. 

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1 hour ago, Andrew ang525 said:

What are something you guys do, to kick yourself out of depression?

 

On short term, I start cleaning up, washing the dishes and throwing away things I don't need. This helps clean or at least numb my mind.

Then I read again an inspirational sheet that I had saved many years ago:

 

My Commandments (by Elodie Armstrong - 90 years old)

Thou shalt not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

Thou shalt not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

Thou shalt not cross bridges before you get to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.

Thou shalt face each problem as it comes. You can handle only one at a time anyway.

Thou shalt not take problems to bed with you for they make very poor bedfellows.

Thou shalt not borrow other people's problems, they can take better care of them than you can.

Thou shalt not try to relive yesterday for good or ill - it is gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life today.

Thou shalt count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

Thou shalt be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own. It's very hard to learn something new when you're talking.

Thou shalt not become bogged down by frustration, for 90 percent of it is rooted in self-pity and it will only interfere with positive action.

 

These admonitions could be seen cynically as cheap self-help.  But now that I am older, I realize that... they are true and... helpful!

 

And finally I dwell on my agnostic ideology that we are in this world temporarily and one day everything ends for us.  Then will be irrelevant all the issues that are so important in our lives and depress us if they are not to our likeness. And I think:  WHY WAIT UNTIL I AM DEAD to rest importance to them?  Why not detach myself from my problems and issues, and concentrate in extending my SURVIVAL, keep breathing, eating, drinking to stay alive and live in the present?  Usually my problems are not life threatening, so why not move them to a lower level and work on them with some detachment?  At this point, certain pride comes in for being able to resist being destroyed by my depression.  And this in a way shields me from the self-destructing attack by the issues that depress me.

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2 hours ago, Andrew ang525 said:

What are something you guys do, to kick yourself out of depression?


first of all, there is a difference between feeling down, feeling depressed and actual depression.

i think most people suffer from the first two, because you are still at the stage to ask for light suggestions or solution. and others will give light answers like, "make more friends, or don't think too much, or take a break!"

if you are suffering from depression, acute and clinical, (even worst when undiagnosed), you have already accepted your reality as a depressed individual. it feels hopeless everyday, every morning feels like a curse and every night you wish for an end. the dark thoughts enter your mind regularly, and first and foremost, you are exhausted. 

exhausted from the routine of Life, and also from the torture of living each day aimlessly and without Hope. 

 

if you have reached this stage, please know that many others, myself included have reach such depths of despair. i can't say that you will survive your own mind, but at one point, you will find yourself saying, "(I) can't live with (myself) anymore".

this will be your biggest clue to your recovery. that there is an inner unalignment of self and ego. from there, you can breakthrough and transcend into a new life, literally. or like others also, succumb to inability to change.

but as long as you are Alive, there is hope for change.

it is not an opinion, it is a fact. 

 

🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, tomcat said:


this will be your biggest clue to your recovery. that there is an inner unalignment of self and ego. from there, you can breakthrough and transcend into a new life, literally. or like others also, succumb to inability to change
 

Any literature to reference for alignment of the self & ego?

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20 minutes ago, Guest abc said:

Any literature to reference for alignment of the self & ego?


Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth or Gangaji's The Diamond in Your Pocket are the best at simple identification of the ego's mechanisms and evolution within one's self. this is important, as each ego is as individual as the owner. each ego develops differently, and draws its source of power (identification) differently, depending on the temperament of the person and also the upbringing he/she has.

the formative years of a human's life is so important. because a human ego manifest itself even before human language, that is why toddlers have been branded as monsters in the "Terrible Two and Three" stages. their unguided wants and demand for attention and power show that the trademarks of the ego is present even as early as that. food for thought.

so how the early ego is dealt with is informative in how the baby's ego will continue to take shape. in a perfect world, the ego is neutralised and the baby grows up into a well-adjusted adult. but in the real world, even the baby's ego is subjected to the unresolved egos of his/her parents, teachers and other adults.

but in terms of old literature, even the bible and foundational teachings of Buddha points towards the symptoms and sufferings caused by ego. although in those books it tends to become clouded with misinterpretations and embellishments. 

i say the foundational teachings of Buddha also because there are many denominations of Buddhism now, and most point more towards idol worship or merit making. to me, this is an erroneous practice of Buddhism.

Buddha does not care for points, merits, jewel crowns or gold leaf. 

the value of the teaching is in the intention behind the doing,

not the doing with the intention of getting something in return.
 

🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑

 

 

 

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24 minutes ago, tomcat said:


Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth or Gangaji's The Diamond in Your Pocket are the best at simple identification of the ego's mechanisms and evolution within one's self. this is important, as each ego is as individual as the owner. each ego develops differently, and draws its source of power (identification) differently, depending on the temperament of the person and also the upbringing he/she has.

 

Thanks for the recommendations.  I would check out Gangaji.  

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Day by day, my depression deepended.  I really felt my life cursed, and i really hate myself to be a gay (i am quite old, 50++) and my childhood days were really terrible (as compared to today's more receptive environment) and i felt myself crippled due to being gay.

 

Post script
Day by day, i develop this hatred against the society and this world, I want to scream, it is so unfair for me.

Edited by Andrew ang525
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13 minutes ago, Andrew ang525 said:

Day by day, my depression deepended.  I really felt my life cursed, and i really hate myself to be a gay (i am quite old, 50++) and my childhood days were really terrible (as compared to today's more receptive environment) and i felt myself crippled due to being gay.

 

Chronic depression is something you need to see the doctor about. You may be prescribed medication, but it can only do so much to lift your life. You still have life ahead. Being gay is not a curse. It sets you apart to be different from the rest of the crowd. If you have the chance, check out this movie, Beginners. 

 

 

Love. 

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2 hours ago, Andrew ang525 said:

Day by day, my depression deepended.  I really felt my life cursed, and i really hate myself to be a gay (i am quite old, 50++) and my childhood days were really terrible (as compared to today's more receptive environment) and i felt myself crippled due to being gay.

 

Post script
Day by day, i develop this hatred against the society and this world, I want to scream, it is so unfair for me.

 

I believe that you could have been born in so many other places than Singapore where your reasons to hate society and this world would be many times more justified...

And it is much more understandable to hate being gay at 15  than at 50++.  Because the older we are the less important our sexual orientation becomes.

When we are young our tunnel vision limits our perspective of how we stand in comparison with other people. So if we have some shortcoming, real or imaginary, we think that we are UNIQUELY cursed.  This is what I felt in my youth, for example because I never had a father, mine had died when I was a baby.  I blamed my not being attracted to women to not having had a father, and I blamed my mother for not having remarried and given me a stepfather.   OH, WAS I WRONG!!!  Since then I learned of so many horrific stories of men who were traumatized by some bad relationship with their fathers, who didn't love them, support them, respect them, understand them... the list is long, and I'm not including any conflict of gay vs. straight.  I now realize that it is much better not to have a father than to have a bad one, which is common.

 

If you have the resilience to get older without falling off the deep end, you start to change your perspective and find new sources of happiness while the horrors of the past fade away.  Have you tried to REMAKE your childhood?  No, it is not nonsense.  We can make a concerted effort to bring images of a happy childhood into our mind to replace what was left there from years ago.  In my case, my father was a remarkable, intelligent, strong successful man who taught me and loved me, and never said a bad word about being gay.  And on my birthday my parents made me invite my many friends to great parties. Today it does not make any difference if this was real or not, and nobody will contradict my remade recollections. Do you follow the life of straight couples you know, are acquainted with?  How many of them have a happy, fulfilled life at 50++?  Even having married their sweethearts and having had children, I find that more than half of them have lives that I don't envy. And I am happier that I am not them as older I get... free and independent, not enslaved to a family, etc. etc.

 

When we make a balance, evaluation of the quality of our life, how important is the past?  Only as much as we let it be.  Much of our past has only traces in the cells of our brain. To be happy depends nearly exclusively on THE PRESENT.   TODAY I have zero depression from a crippled youth that I have remade into a happy one, and I have zero depression from not being straight and married with a family, because I see how miserable those enslaved men can be.

 

Today you are depressed, but a crippled childhood and being gay are not realistic reasons for depression.  Try for an instant to eliminate these factors by imagining a perfect childhood and being straight... and see what is left.  Maybe what is left is a VALID reason for the depression, and you may intelligently find a way to fight it.  This could include a medical condition that can be treated, but I wouldn't jump to this conclusion to escape responsibility for it.  Hopefully you find something that requires your effort and you can work to fix it.  Maybe this can simply be to lower your expectations, be less demanding of yourself, and change your goal to be... happy!

.

Edited by Steve5380
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Hi there Andrew. Many people in society feel down and depressed for one thing or the other. (Too fat, too ugly, too introverted, too short, too dumb, not successful enough compared to peers, balding, acne scars, no job, poor career performance, family disputes, no friend, cheated by friend, cheated by bf/gf/hubby/wifey, etc., and the list goes on ..) Being gay is only one aspect of you. If you cannot accept that portion, you can just try to pay more attention to other aspects of yourself. More than a person’s orientation, his/her ability to create purpose is far more important and significant. No wife/hubby/kids? So what.. many folks are actually worse off with them. If you are young, there are much to life ahead to unfold. Why not live it out and see what lies ahead? If you are old, and many things have passed you by, then why not also just live it out and see how things will actually end? You may have the last laugh? Who knows? No one can be sure how things will turn out in the future. Andrew I wish you well and have a wonderful life ahead of you. Live hard, laugh loud, eat healthy, make your love ones happy and at ease. If you can do all of these (or have already), you are already living your life worthy !! 加油 Andrew !

Edited by Pubic01
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On 2/1/2018 at 11:14 PM, Andrew ang525 said:

Day by day, my depression deepended.  I really felt my life cursed, and i really hate myself to be a gay (i am quite old, 50++) and my childhood days were really terrible (as compared to today's more receptive environment) and i felt myself crippled due to being gay.

 

Post script
Day by day, i develop this hatred against the society and this world, I want to scream, it is so unfair for me.

 

 

Andrew, I recommend viewing the videos on YouTube site so you can also read the comments from the up loader and viewers.

Edited by Salt&Pepper
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Guest Dennis B43

Andrew! That is a nice name to start with from the English name Christ had given to you! I bet you must have known quite a lot of different people, especially gay in this circle that had you influenced through social app. Finding and searching for factors, creating mind illusion of what kind of gay are the most suitable. Firstly, Place a plain canvas on the table. Start to think that the canvas is a person whom is a gay, which is you. Take not more than five colours, maybe with a mixture of warm and cool colours oil. Said, put it that the primary colour chosen are red, blue, green, yellow and white. Start to figure out what to draw for a main objective which actually symbolise a person without gender identity. Start to colour by using the few colours of that mentioned. For this time round, used your thumb to press on the colour that you want and smudge, press or blend etc. Then take another colour and do the same thing again. This point you will know how can the colour changed into another colour. In which Two raw colour actually have a shade of another different colour. Take some time for yourself wusa, it shows that nothing is impossible from this world. It is on the theory that every colour has the distinctive effect on another. As so there are different gender identity that forms different type of gender sexuality, reading by knowledge from the gay perspective. Put it that the canvas is yourself with this two colours that mixed, what do you think of a man having sex with another man. Does it given you the mentality that the colour that you input is not real. So did the ideal colour you can t even imagine, shows you the actual colour that you not even knew by blending it to know. No! It needs to be understood by looking at it. This point, it actually reflect the appeal of how you dress up and presenting yourself. Are you towards a man or a flamboyant. If it a real man, he will feel that just a colour will be enough. But if you choose the colours that have mixed alongside with the two other colours. It show sign that you are towards the flamboyant and wanting to see more other colours. As a result, you will start picking up the other three colours to create a collage that resemble your mind. You can t actually choose between one colour, you want to complicated the colours that you had known from the theory of colour mixing is actually real. I am not saying to paint what that is seen in picture or nature from a hobby angle. It a symbolic on how colour can changed one person mentality by personality. As so this canvas of yours are tainted by much dirty colour from much engagement that you know yourself. My favourite blue.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest Slut Executive

In this world, everybody wears a mask. Priests, politicians, businessmen...That's why there's so much scandals in the news. It becomes the norm that even the president of USA can be a confirmed womanizer.

 

So why are we so depressed about our sexualities. Those nut cases on EDM  are no better as human beings, they just want to divert attention from themselves. Typical pot calling kettle black tactics. Everybody knows how to play that game.

 

I'm very comfortable playing these hypocrite games too. Here I'm respectable and proper. Nobody suspects a thing as I wear my mask very well. 

 

Overseas, I turn into a slut. I let everything out and indulge in my kinks of those sex cinemas in Seoul, Tokyo and Bangkok. I stand at the last row and passively let all kinds of men grope me. They all seem to know rules of the game. Men like me are offering to be publicly played. They'll slowly strip me naked and bend me over. There'll be hands all over my body and my two orifices. I'm a public whore. I drown myself in the sexual frenzy of public sex without inhibition. This mask is very safe even though a big group of men witnessed me being fucked and even groped my hole while a cock was still fucking me.

 

Coming back here, I acted respectable again. I don't even play at the saunas here because of possibility that I'll be seen by those who know me. I prefer to go totally uninhibited.

Fuck the hypocrisy, we are all the same wearing masks.

 

 

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