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How Long Will You Stay In The Closet?


Jake.Roxas

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Guest jonlittle

Having the courage to discuss sexuality with others especially those closer in our lives from a personal perspective including our own identity is crucial. But how receptive others can be, either in verbal conversation or visual perception of sexuality spectrum, is also a factor in opening up ourselves to other members of society. We cannot ignore their boundaries of 'comfort' just like how we cannot ignore theirs. But I feel the society as a whole has to rise above the lines that divide us and choose to respect our differences. In a way, Singapore has already been doing so for the past 50 years (for racial harmony). So, I feel Singapore can definitely do better than U.S. or other countries in our own way as long as we stay away from divisive voices.

 

Yeah, assess the risk and the potential consequences before coming out. Generally speaking, it could make me lose my financial support, my family connections, even my family's health. So, I have to think who I can come out to, who I need to come out to and also who I don't have to bother telling, before deciding to come out.

 

Staying in the closet isn't just about duration, but also about choosing who is important to you.

Edited by jonlittle
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On 11/03/2017 at 3:45 AM, Guest Boyfriend said:

Got a question. Is it easier to get a boyfriend or come out? And will it be easier to come out to parents if you are already attached for a steady period. 

 

I like to think Getting a Boyfriend and Coming out are two very different topics. Same goes for your other query which sound like.... 'I am already smoking for a while now so it gives you courage  to come out as a smoker or pressure someone to accept you as a smoke now? Does that sound logical to you as a solution to gain acceptance? Sure it will not backfire? heh

 

My friend whom I mentioned who tried to kill himself earlier? He did have a b/f which was why he came out to his parent. Not that he want to use the b/f as a means to force acceptance. They ask him to leave and go die with his unnatural b/f. Not just the parents. his own siblings as well.  Each person's story or set of circumstances are unique so what CAN WORK FOR ONE PERSON MIGHT NOT FOR YOU as a solution to come out to your parents or friends..etc

 

So first considering what you are willing to risk on the table.

 

Some people have this Nationalistic approach to say ALL GAY SHOULD COME OUT AND BE COUNTED blah blah blah we need to do this to force acceptance. I understand that is important for the gay community but you need to keep in mind, your personal life matters as an individual too, even though there is that greater common good. The consensus for such a cause also mean some will fall by the way side, whether the cause win or lose. Are you willing to be one of those sacrificial lamb? Also folks who ask you to do it, will they be there to support you if you encounter problems?

 

Tough call. Coming out gay might also not solve ALL the problems you think you are going thru today. So identify what you really want out of it. Do so only after you have taken a good audit of yourself, those around you that matters, including your true sexuality. Yes I know of gay folks who came out and pulled thru and some simply took the "Heck-Care-fuck- em-all" approach and not care who they lose by being true to themselves. Prioritize what's right for you carefully when you listen to advice here or elsewhere.

Edited by upshot

** Comments are my opinions, same as yours. It's not a 'Be-All-and-End-All' view. Intent's to thought-provoke, validate, reiterate and yes, even correct. Opinion to consider but agree to disagree. I don't enjoy conflicted exchanges, empty bravado or egoistical chest pounding. It's never personal, tribalistic or with malice. Frank by nature, means, I never bend the truth. Views are to broaden understanding - Updated: Nov 2021.

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I can understand if one is emotionally weak and financially dependent to want to continue hiding in the closet lest he risks losing everything. But when someone who is financially stable and mature to want to continue deceiving himself and others, then he has serious lack of self confidence. 

 

Copied from another BW post:

The way you are self-sabotaging: Caring too much about what other people think.
What your subconscious mind wants you to know: You are not as happy as you think you are. The happier you are with something, the less you need other people to be.

 

Edited by MadMan
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Guest Roger

At the end of the day, it is still a hard choice. You could try hiding but mannerism and way of life will give it away for others to consider you as gay. 

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Every family is different, and coming out is a personal choice. While I am a strong advocate for coming out because of the freedom it brings (from shame, lies etc.) I also am beginning to realise that not everyone has the luxury to do so, and for some, their safety and well-being depends on hiding the truth. 

 

Many countries in the west, fought for their equality- i.e. in the US, to the point where it is legal to get married now. Their progress didn't happen overnight, but it is through decades, literally, of activists who championed for their right to love, and be respected for who they love. The ironic thing is while so many anti-LGBT claim that gay relationships will destroy the traditional family unit, they fail to see that many LGBT fought for equality to be like them. Fall in love, get married, have children etc. The only difference is the person they are in love with is of the same gender. 

 

As Singaporeans. I don't think we are ever going to be like the activists in the US and other countries who will fight for that right to be who we are and to love who we love. Rather. I see it more of a situation where we let external influences gradually make the way for progress, and let the government decide when, rather than we the people. Pink Dot works as long as it is contained, non-political and not asking for changes to the law.  

 

If you look at a closet, it is usually made of wood, and rectangle in shape, not much different than a coffin, give and take. For some, it is better off dead than alive I supposed, but the choice is always yours. 

 

Love. 

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  • 2 months later...
Guest Slater

There are dozens of reasons why guys - and girls - decide not to come out. Each faces a different set of circumstances. Each has to make a very personal decision. Frankly, it's not anyone else's business.

And who are the "we" you refer to? What is it to "you" if someone is out or not? What right might "you" have to imply "keeping it up" is a bad thing?

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  • 2 weeks later...
48 minutes ago, ArchDragon said:

If I were to come out, I'll be homeless. Trust me, I've tested water before.

 

Well always think of your safety and well-being first. If coming out is going to be detrimental to your well-being, hide till it is safe to do so. However, just know that hiding forever is not going to be the answer. 

Love. 

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  • 1 year later...
2 hours ago, Jake.Roxas said:

 

He committed suicide. He is my indonesian friend. Only child. Went back home last year to come out. They didn’t received him well. He got so depressed after that. 

Oh man...:( how old was he?

Such things shouldn't be happening in this day and age.

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14 hours ago, Jake.Roxas said:

Another life ended today because his parents and grand parents did not accept his sexual preference. RIP my friend. =(

 

God Heavens!  Hopefully his parents and grand parents will realize one day that they were the cause of his death.  They must take responsibility and join in the fight against the evil religious forces that fooled them into renouncing their primary function as parents, which is to protect their children no matter what.

 

1 hour ago, mate69 said:

Oh man...:( how old was he?

Such things shouldn't be happening in this day and age.

 

Such things should NEVER have happened.   It shows the falsity of elevating religious dogma above the positive bonds of nature.   It is not much different from the "honor killings" by some religious/social fanatics.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest -ignored-
On 8/9/2018 at 1:43 PM, Steve5380 said:

 

God Heavens!  Hopefully his parents and grand parents will realize one day that they were the cause of his death.  They must take responsibility and join in the fight against the evil religious forces that fooled them into renouncing their primary function as parents, which is to protect their children no matter what.

 

 

Such things should NEVER have happened.   It shows the falsity of elevating religious dogma above the positive bonds of nature.   It is not much different from the "honor killings" by some religious/social fanatics.

 

Agree to what you’ve said. You are always giving this forum wisdom that most of them doesn’t have. 

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5 hours ago, muddywill said:

Forever! Mind you, my closet is a walk in with shelves filled with dior and prada and a comfy lounge in the middle. haha jkjk

@muddywill I love it that you see and focus on the positive ;) 

I live in the little safe at the bottom of my closet. A few friends have come to visit, however, and now my closet abounds with care and kindness. The once dark space with a black dog in the corner is now filled with light and my dog has gone to look for happier hunting grounds. :)

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Guest I want one!!!
10 hours ago, muddywill said:

Forever! Mind you, my closet is a walk in with shelves filled with dior and prada and a comfy lounge in the middle. haha jkjk

Wow!!!  I am green with envies.  I do not have a closet as fabulous as yours and I am saying that I do not have any closet unlike most members here.   Can someone please tell me how to get a closet, to get in and than come out, like it is a big deal nowadays in BW?

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  • 10 months later...
Guest Thereisexit69

I’m 49 already and still single. Do you think I should tell my parents and siblings that I’m gay so that they stop asking when I should have gf or get married?

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As long as u r financially independent, u don't need acceptance from them. 

 

If they accept you, a bonus. Else, each lives your own ways. No need to compel each other.

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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10 hours ago, Guest Thereisexit69 said:

I’m 49 already and still single. Do you think I should tell my parents and siblings that I’m gay so that they stop asking when I should have gf or get married?

 

It should be possible to answer those questions without having to come out.  Don't let anybody FORCE you to come out!

 

"I enjoy being single and I have no plan to marry.  This is the way I am!"

"A man can have sex without being married or having a steady girlfriend.  To think otherwise is old-fashioned".

"My relationships are really my personal matter"

"Whenever I decide to marry I will let you know".

.

 

Edited by Steve5380
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On 3/16/2017 at 4:23 PM, doncoin said:

 

If you look at a closet, it is usually made of wood, and rectangle in shape, not much different than a coffin, give and take. For some, it is better off dead than alive I supposed, but the choice is always yours. 

 

 

Oh!  the analogy is a bit strong!  There is a continuum in coming out,  between throwing a public come-out party and living a full life with discretion.

Not coming out is far from being dead.  There can be a practical compromise in coming out on a need-to-know basis, and letting others find out for themselves.

Especially when we are older, we can allow ourselves to participate in the gay scene, go to saunas, have a bf,  without formally "coming out".  If someone is suspicious, let this be his/her issue. We can always reject any inquires.  But if someone important to us has a concern to know, we can tell this person.  And if an unforeseen incident reveals our orientation, we take this as a fact of life and don't get stressed out over it.  

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Guest Prawns n lotus roots
On 7/29/2019 at 12:34 AM, Guest Thereisexit69 said:

I’m 49 already and still single. Do you think I should tell my parents and siblings that I’m gay so that they stop asking when I should have gf or get married?

 

 

They still keep asking at your age?

 

You mother must be cooking Stir fried prawns and rice wine, Lotus root porridge, Abalone Soup with Cordyceps for you every weekend, not realising that you increase your appetite for seeing more guys (and not girls)...  At family dinners your mum will invite females to join in and hopes you will pick one girl one day...  She will always arrange that you sit alone with the girl she invited for family lunches or dinners on the sofa and will be listening to your conversations from behind the door.

 

Either you will overeat or become diabetic...

 

Another question: Does your mum still iron your office shirts and pants?

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On 7/29/2019 at 12:34 AM, Guest Thereisexit69 said:

I’m 49 already and still single. Do you think I should tell my parents and siblings that I’m gay so that they stop asking when I should have gf or get married?

 

At her age, tell her to just enjoy the remaining years.

 

She wont have the energy for grand kids when she's already the age of great grand mother.

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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3 minutes ago, FattChoy said:

Actually everyone on earth is gay/bi.  Most of them just don't realise it.

Why did you come to that conclusion? 

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2 hours ago, FattChoy said:

It's called the Kinsey scale.  Wiki it

 

I agree with it. Hence there are many bi and confused cases. 

 

Most people are straight  because of social conditioning. 

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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On 3/10/2017 at 1:45 PM, Guest Boyfriend said:

Got a question. Is it easier to get a boyfriend or come out? And will it be easier to come out to parents if you are already attached for a steady period. 

 

It's not a matter of easy.  For an adult,  I think that the logical sequence is to venture enough into the gay scene to establish relationships with gays, which will eventually lead to a boyfriend.  Then the attitude should become that what better serves the relationship, if living together or separate.  This may lead to a coming out that varies in each case,  but the coming out and the reaction of people to it should be secondary to the success of the relationship.   After all,  straight people date and marry without a coming out.  

 

Hopefully the tags "gay" and "straight" will become superfluous and the facts will be that "I love my boyfriend" or "I love my girlfriend". 

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  • 2 months later...
  • 3 months later...
On 2/6/2020 at 6:36 PM, Since u r here said:

Not ez!

tearing when discussing:( 

 

 

Poor son!  That father needs some education about how to respond to his son when he comes out.  

He may think that he is so wise not rejecting the son and offering to support him.

But his tone of voice and demeanor are NOT comforting his son.

It is like the son is talking to the family priest and he says that he and God forgive him for what he is doing.

  

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Guest Fainting spell
On 8/3/2019 at 4:56 AM, Steve5380 said:

 

On 8/3/2019 at 4:56 AM, Steve5380 said:

 

It's not a matter of easy.  For an adult,  I think that the logical sequence is to venture enough into the gay scene to establish relationships with gays, which will eventually lead to a boyfriend.  Then the attitude should become that what better serves the relationship, if living together or separate.  This may lead to a coming out that varies in each case,  but the coming out and the reaction of people to it should be secondary to the success of the relationship.   After all,  straight people date and marry without a coming out.  

 

Hopefully the tags "gay" and "straight" will become superfluous and the facts will be that "I love my boyfriend" or "I love my girlfriend". 

 

Let me have the honour to summise for you. Don't thank me, you are welcomed. 

 

 

 

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3 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

Poor son!  That father needs some education about how to respond to his son when he comes out.  

He may think that he is so wise not rejecting the son and offering to support him.

But his tone of voice and demeanor are NOT comforting his son.

It is like the son is talking to the family priest and he says that he and God forgive him for what he is doing.

  

 

East Asian parents, especially fathers, do not display affection openly.

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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6 hours ago, fab said:

 

As long as it is not broken

 

 

If you cannot throw around in your closet the dirty clothes, stained undies, stinky socks, soiled linen, etc.

what good is a closet for?   This "open closet" concept is only for people who don't get visits in their living room.

"Open closet" is not an alternative for "out of the closet". 

 

6 hours ago, Since u r here said:

erm , the dad accepted him

 

6 hours ago, fab said:

 

East Asian parents, especially fathers, do not display affection openly.

 

Here in the West we see the gains in spiritual health when parents, especially fathers, are not afraid of giving their children plenty of affection.

I see this in my son, who, I don't know from where, got this extraordinary parenting skills.  Apart of being a busy doctor, he spends so much time with my grandchildren, and hugs them, kisses them, plays with them, tells them he loves them, etc.  I would like to have been instead of his father,  his son!  :lol:

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7 hours ago, Guest Fainting spell said:

Let me have the honour to summise for you. Don't thank me, you are welcomed. 

 

 

Oh, I have to thank you for editing my posts for brevity.  If I ever have to write a book and I am restrained by the editor to a maximum number of words,  I would like to hire you.

In the meantime,  I hope that the work of trimming my excess wording does not give you a fainting spell :)

 

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3 minutes ago, Steve5380 said:

 

If you cannot throw around in your closet the dirty clothes, stained undies, stinky socks, soiled linen, etc.

what good is a closet for?   This "open closet" concept is only for people who don't get visits in their living room.

"Open closet" is not an alternative for "out of the closet". 

 

 

 

 

 

This is not an open closet, but a glass closet.

 

Get it?

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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5 minutes ago, Steve5380 said:

 

 

Here in the West we see the gains in spiritual health when parents, especially fathers, are not afraid of giving their children plenty of affection.

I see this in my son, who, I don't know from where, got this extraordinary parenting skills.  Apart of being a busy doctor, he spends so much time with my grandchildren, and hugs them, kisses them, plays with them, tells them he loves them, etc.  I would like to have been instead of his father,  his son!  :lol:

 

I believe the east knows the west more than the reverse.

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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3 minutes ago, fab said:

 

This is not an open closet, but a glass closet.

 

Get it?

 

Fine.  Then installing some rails all around it can allow to have curtains covering the glass, so one cannot see all the junk stuffed inside the closet. 

 

3 minutes ago, fab said:

 

I believe the east knows the west more than the reverse.

 

Hmmm...  I think that this is not a compliment for the east!

 

When you know a person more than he knows you,  it can mean that you need something from that person or you are learning something from him.

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17 minutes ago, Steve5380 said:

 

Fine.  Then installing some rails all around it can allow to have curtains covering the glass, so one cannot see all the junk stuffed inside the closet. 

 

 

 

A glass closet is a satire

 

Definition of glass closet. : the state in which the sexual orientation or gender identity of an LGBTQ individual is known to many but not publicly acknowledged Essentially, I didn't really have to come out…Jan 27, 2020

 

17 minutes ago, Steve5380 said:

 

Hmmm...  I think that this is not a compliment for the east!

 

When you know a person more than he knows you,  it can mean that you need something from that person or you are learning something from him.

 

There is no connotation. It is just a fact.

 

The east knows more about the west especially USA due to the media influence.

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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2 minutes ago, Since u r here said:

we are very used to the asian way and this situation is considered one of the better outcomes upon coming out

 

Yes, you are right.  The son was not directly punished.  But the father did not lift his spirit either.  He seemed somewhat cold and indifferent,  like telling the son "this is your problem".

Otherwise, why is the son crying?

 

But yes,  this is the Asian way.  And yes, it leaves room for improvement.

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22 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

Poor son!  That father needs some education about how to respond to his son when he comes out.  

He may think that he is so wise not rejecting the son and offering to support him.

But his tone of voice and demeanor are NOT comforting his son.

It is like the son is talking to the family priest and he says that he and God forgive him for what he is doing.

  

 

 

This American dad isn't very comforting. 

 

I reckon it's more a dads issue.

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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22 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

Poor son!  That father needs some education about how to respond to his son when he comes out.  

He may think that he is so wise not rejecting the son and offering to support him.

But his tone of voice and demeanor are NOT comforting his son.

It is like the son is talking to the family priest and he says that he and God forgive him for what he is doing.

  

 

 

This American dad isn't very comforting. 

 

I reckon it's more a dads issue.

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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Share on other sites

22 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

Poor son!  That father needs some education about how to respond to his son when he comes out.  

He may think that he is so wise not rejecting the son and offering to support him.

But his tone of voice and demeanor are NOT comforting his son.

It is like the son is talking to the family priest and he says that he and God forgive him for what he is doing.

  

 

 

This American dad isn't very comforting. 

 

I reckon it's more a dads issue.

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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22 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

Poor son!  That father needs some education about how to respond to his son when he comes out.  

He may think that he is so wise not rejecting the son and offering to support him.

But his tone of voice and demeanor are NOT comforting his son.

It is like the son is talking to the family priest and he says that he and God forgive him for what he is doing.

  

 

 

This American dad isn't very comforting. 

 

I reckon it's more a dads issue.

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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