Single & Living Alone Discussion (compiled)

[Guest guest]

I found some men have a very strong sense of filial piety to their parents. So even if they had the means to get a resale flat or condo and stay alone, they still want to upgrade to a better home with their parents. Staying alone causes self-guilt for them as they cannot sleep worrying what happens to their parents. (I met a bunch of men like these, they are filial to the point that they will marry if their parents asked them to, but their parents didn't.)

[Guest guest]

7 hours ago, Blow away said:

I have a friend who told me he is not coping well with staying alone despite having done so for 20 years.

 

I have barely stayed alone for a year and I am already going crazy. One way I cope with it is to stay at parents place once a week and stay at friends place once a week too. I cannot take it well so I may just move out of my bachelor pad soon.  

Not coping well in what ways? Why you are going crazy staying alone?

[Guest Me think]

48 minutes ago, Guest guest said:

Not coping well in what ways? Why you are going crazy staying alone?

Probably guilty of something and afraid of Ghosts. So he needs to constantly borrow other people guts to feel better.

[Guest Guest]

1 hour ago, Guest guest said:

Not coping well in what ways? Why you are going crazy staying alone?

Maybe he cannot cope well with loneliness .... just like some people cannot stay in the countryside / rural area but need to stay in the city (need to see people around).

[Guest too busy]

I have been staying alone for 2+ years, and I'm not sure how you can go crazy over staying alone. Either you really miss your family or you basically have a phobia of being alone.

 

My work occupies the entire weekdays, with only some time remaining to quickly get meals or cook them. Followed by housework, laundry, gym, and cardio on weekends. I barely have time to even do the things I want to do, like watch my favourite stuff, read my books etc. I have to plan all extra stuff like 3-4 weeks in advance, like visit sauna, clean my balcony and fans, meet some people for aunt agony talks etc. Before I know it, it's already Sunday night and I have to get to bed for work on Monday. 

[Guest Eh?]

3 minutes ago, Guest too busy said:

 only some time remaining to quickly get meals or cook them. Followed by housework, laundry, gym, and cardio on weekends. I barely have time to even do the thing. I have to plan all extra stuff like 3-4 weeks in advance, like visit sauna, clean my balcony and fans, meet some people for aunt agony talks etc. . 

No time still can do all of the above? Sauna, gym ,cardio , meet people ..etc regularly .  

[Guest guest]

16 minutes ago, Guest Guest said:

Maybe he cannot cope well with loneliness .... just like some people cannot stay in the countryside / rural area but need to stay in the city (need to see people around).

Not easy to stay alone as you age. Some people might afraid of anything happen to them at home, no one can help.

[Guest too busy]

8 minutes ago, Guest Eh? said:

No time still can do all of the above? Sauna, gym ,cardio , meet people ..etc regularly .  

 

Can. Simply need to sacrifice time allocated for other more regular stuff. Mostly is to sacrifice more sleeping time.

[Guest guest]

16 minutes ago, Guest too busy said:

I have been staying alone for 2+ years, and I'm not sure how you can go crazy over staying alone. Either you really miss your family or you basically have a phobia of being alone.

 

My work occupies the entire weekdays, with only some time remaining to quickly get meals or cook them. Followed by housework, laundry, gym, and cardio on weekends. I barely have time to even do the things I want to do, like watch my favourite stuff, read my books etc. I have to plan all extra stuff like 3-4 weeks in advance, like visit sauna, clean my balcony and fans, meet some people for aunt agony talks etc. Before I know it, it's already Sunday night and I have to get to bed for work on Monday. 

If you have an active social life and always occupied with tons of activities, really no difference if you are staying alone or not alone. Only those who have not much activities and friends, maybe it is quite a struggle having to stay alone.

[Guest guest]

30 minutes ago, Guest Guest said:

Maybe he cannot cope well with loneliness .... just like some people cannot stay in the countryside / rural area but need to stay in the city (need to see people around).

Some people really cannot cope well with loneliness, as human being is created not as alone but must have interacting with others human. I think long term alone is not healthy for mental health.

[Steve5380]

22 minutes ago, Guest guest said:

Not easy to stay alone as you age. Some people might afraid of anything happen to them at home, no one can help.

 

This points to ANOTHER reason to age well and stay fully functional.  Weight lifting to retain strength.  Stretching to retain flexibility, equilibrium training to avoid falls.  A martial art to fall all the time and keep bones strong.

 

 

10 minutes ago, Guest guest said:

Some people really cannot cope well with loneliness, as human being is created not as alone but must have interacting with others human. I think long term alone is not healthy for mental health.

 

Feelings of loneliness are detrimental.  But not the state of being alone.  We can cultivate the appreciation of ourselves and our activities.  Our mind can be kept busy with many intellectual and physical activities.  I was social during many years of marriage and over 20 years living with my partner.  But it has been 2 1/2 years since my partner passed away,  and I am still alone but fully occupied with activities, to the point that I don't have enough hours in the day.  Time flies by (and this accelerates as we get older).  I keep in touch remotely with the people I care about,  and I very seldom feel lonely.

[mate69]

Living alone is best - I love it

So much peace, quiet and serenity to do the things I want

Often, I don''t have enough time to do the things I want

Staying alone helps me to focus and be much more productive

[single42]

i have been living alone since my divorced (2years now coming to 3).. basically, i am renting a master room in Yishun area. 

 

Besides being deployed by HPB for swabbing duties & part time jobs on weekend nights.. most of the time, i am in my master room, surrounded by 4 walls. the only thing that connects me to the outside world is my trusty laptop.

 

I binge watch movies on NETFLIX, listen to news via youtube (CNA news live) / toggle channel 8 news / channel 5 news live. Coming into BW forums to read some of the threads (intelligent ones) 

 

for my meals, its either instant noodles, MREs, canned baked beans,  salads with dressing. I hardly step out of my room unless its required for me to do so like doing laundry, drawing of money from ATM, the nearest atm i have is at chong pang. 

 

12 hours ago, Blow away said:

I have a friend who told me he is not coping well with staying alone despite having done so for 20 years.

 

I have barely stayed alone for a year and I am already going crazy. One way I cope with it is to stay at parents place once a week and stay at friends place once a week too. I cannot take it well so I may just move out of my bachelor pad soon.  

 

Where is ur bachelor pad?? consider renting it out as a whole unit / selling it off to some joker like me who loves my own me time & space ??

Edited January 16, 2021 by single42

[Guest]

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[Guest Naturally]

1 hour ago, Blow away said:

The reason I talk so much about being alone and feeling lonely is cos it is both a personal problem and a serious social issue. 
 

I go around asking some single friends how they cope with loneliness. Some say they cope well, some say they don’t cope well.

 

Sociologists have studied this social problem of loneliness to death. It remains that most people cannot cope well with it. The obvious solution for most is to get married, have a family or at least find a partner. 
 

But there will always be a group of people who are single by choice or by circumstances. And this group is growing. In the past, we have the kampung spirit where everyone lives in a closely knitted village. Now we hear more and more stories of people only found dead when their neighbours smelled the stench coming from their decomposing bodies.

 

Anyway it’s easier to cope with it when we have a proper job and healthy body. Imagine when u r retired and have failing health. I don’t think anyone in that position will be here to share how they cope with loneliness. 

This is where the West and us are different. They see problems, they'll form social group of mutual help.

 

Here, we talk and do nothing. Waiting for the gv to do something for us. We are passive. You have plenty of time to be lonely, use it then.

[Guest]

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Edited January 18, 2021 by Guest

[Guest Naturally]

1 minute ago, Blow away said:

Lol the way u put it is so sarcastic.

 

what do you mean by I have plenty of time to be lonely?

 

I think it’s best not to say certain things with lots of assumptions. 
 

I believe most people have their way of doing something about loneliness. Many have already shared here. Some see it as solitude, something they enjoy. Some keep themselves busy. Some find partners.

 

as for it as a social problem, no point comparing with the west cos the social structures are different. People in the east tend to be communal although that is slowly changing as we modernise. The westerners are more individualistic. Both cultures have family as the basic unit in the society but values are still different. 
 

So the way the society deals with the lonely phenomenon is different according to the cultural norms. For instance here we still expect the children to take care of their elderly parents while the elderly in the west are expected to take care of themselves. So westerners send themselves to old folks home while we send our parents there if we have no resources to take care ourselves.

 

you sound very sarcastic in your last statement, but there is some truth. Loneliness is a state of mind. You can be with people and yet still feel lonely. You can be alone but not feel lonely. And it’s always a choice. If I feel lonely and I don’t like it, then I do something about it. I may enjoy it in the end or I may not. I don’t need to use it. If I do use it, it’s for making me learn to appreciate solitude and also to have empathy with other lonely people. 

 

 

Yes, I'm being blunt and straight to the point. I applaud you for bringing up a social issues that we gays want to sweep under the carpet, loneliness and old age handicap.

 

Your reply is typical self-centred from only your perspective which is normal. But when so many of us are saying the same thing, it's time to gather them together and benefit from group efficiency. That takes someone to see the opportunities and start the ball rolling.

Telegram group have shown that internet alone is too passive. We just talk and talk to no end without action.

We also need something physical to built group identity.

[Blogger Adam]

Having lived alone for the last 12 years, I can understand both the ups and downs that come with it.

 

I was in fact, just talking to a friend about loneliness in living alone the other night.

 

My first few years had been amazing: The whole experience of buying my own place and doing up my apartment to having regular house parties for different groups of loved ones and having alone time with wine and cheese and Netflix, is absolutely thrilling.

 

I always feel moving out from my family home made me closer to my family.

 

When I was still under my mum's roof, I would come home after a long day and retreat to my room and not be seen. Same goes for my younger brother and older sis who are equally good at being stealthy ninjas around the house.

 

We all have an overly chatty mum.

 

You know the exuberant aunty colleague we all try to avoid in the office pantry because the moment you run into her, she beams happily at you and tells you, without being prompted, all about her weekend grocery shopping with her fat cat and you're actually rushing a deadline for your own boss but you have no heart to tell that aunty colleague to stop talking because she's just too nice and also because once she starts talking there's no way you can interject?

 

That's our mum.

 

So even when I'm out of my room, I say very little to my mum who has the pent-up energy levels of a retired micromanager. She wants to know every aspect of my work life and offer help just because she's very motherly but also mostly 'cos Mrs Lee is very free judging from her empty work schedule.

 

Things are different now that I've moved out of the Lee HQ.

 

I make it a point to have my family over for dinner, and go home for soup on most weekends.

 

On those occasions, I hold actual conversations with my mum given that I had been allowed to function in my own space for the rest of the week.

 

For a while, I thought I had found the perfect sweet spot in life (and that's not to be confused with the other sweet spot in life -- that's a story for another day). 

 

I have the choice of living my quiet life in my home like a cloistered nun if I feel like it.

 

And when I feel the need to socialise, I can tap on the company of friends and loved ones any time.

 

So the first half of my living alone years were great.

 

Right now, it's not as rosy.

 

I had been posted overseas for work for quite some time now. 

 

Though I'm not new to living alone, doing so in a foreign city -- no matter how luxurious the apartment -- can be painfully lonesome.

 

Especially when you're miles away from your loved ones.

 

I try to replicate what worked for me in Singapore while overseas: Making video calls with my mum every week, inviting friends over for dinner or socialising with them whenever I could.

 

But it's really different.

 

There's no sense of familiarity or belonging here, and no matter how hard I try, I can't help but feel lonely while living alone overseas.

 

Sometimes, after a long day at work, I sit by my balcony with a glass of red wine.

 

In another context, that would make for a great IG post: Fancy wine glass, lovely skyline, curated captions to tell the world all is good on my end.

 

Except that it isn't quite the case.

 

Almost every night, I sit and sip alcohol thinking about how tired I am. How much I miss Singapore. And how ironically lonely I feel despite being surrounded by a close group of friends who're here with me.

 

I sometimes wonder if the culprit of my sentiments is ageing.

 

Is it because I'm now too old to be yanked out of my comfort zone and adapt like a chameleon? Have I morphed into an emo Uncle who is starting to complain about things and is on the right track of being a cranky old man?

 

Or perhaps, it's not me. It's how the current worldly situation that's affecting me.

 

The depressing COVID-19 that has injected insidious emotions in my system: The idea of having to intentionally isolate myself and retreating further into a space that's starting to feel increasingly claustrophobic -- while being physically away from my family and loved ones, AND ageing by the minute at that.

 

If I were to continue psycho-analysing my current situation, would I be forced to fit every emotion and sentiment into a convenient category? Emo. Homesick. Crazy. Overthinking. Stressed.

 

Is there really an answer?

 

Is there really a need for an answer?

 

I may never know precisely why I'm starting to feel lonely living alone.

 

Maybe it's temporary. Maybe it's progressive.

 

Maybe it's a mindset thing. Or a COVID thing.

 

But I'm at least sure of one thing.

 

I'm not the only one feeling this way.

 

And it gives me comfort that even though I feel lonely, I know I'm not alone.

 

[Saggiboy]

Being alone, and feeling lonely are actually 2 different things. 

I love being alone, the peace and tranquility. I guess having a lovely cat helped. 

If I feel lonely, I go do things to "distract" that feeling, like going out meet friends or do whatever activities I enjoy. 

I suppose being mindful of your feeling, and do better at managing the situations is more impt instead of self-pity.

Remember, everything is a choice, your own choice, so take responsibility for yourself. 

[Guest]

On 1/17/2021 at 1:15 PM, Blogger Adam said:

Having lived alone for the last 12 years, I can understand both the ups and downs that come with it.

 

I was in fact, just talking to a friend about loneliness in living alone the other night.

 

My first few years had been amazing: The whole experience of buying my own place and doing up my apartment to having regular house parties for different groups of loved ones and having alone time with wine and cheese and Netflix, is absolutely thrilling.

 

I always feel moving out from my family home made me closer to my family.

 

When I was still under my mum's roof, I would come home after a long day and retreat to my room and not be seen. Same goes for my younger brother and older sis who are equally good at being stealthy ninjas around the house.

 

We all have an overly chatty mum.

 

You know the exuberant aunty colleague we all try to avoid in the office pantry because the moment you run into her, she beams happily at you and tells you, without being prompted, all about her weekend grocery shopping with her fat cat and you're actually rushing a deadline for your own boss but you have no heart to tell that aunty colleague to stop talking because she's just too nice and also because once she starts talking there's no way you can interject?

 

That's our mum.

 

So even when I'm out of my room, I say very little to my mum who has the pent-up energy levels of a retired micromanager. She wants to know every aspect of my work life and offer help just because she's very motherly but also mostly 'cos Mrs Lee is very free judging from her empty work schedule.

 

Things are different now that I've moved out of the Lee HQ.

 

I make it a point to have my family over for dinner, and go home for soup on most weekends.

 

On those occasions, I hold actual conversations with my mum given that I had been allowed to function in my own space for the rest of the week.

 

For a while, I thought I had found the perfect sweet spot in life (and that's not to be confused with the other sweet spot in life -- that's a story for another day). 

 

I have the choice of living my quiet life in my home like a cloistered nun if I feel like it.

 

And when I feel the need to socialise, I can tap on the company of friends and loved ones any time.

 

So the first half of my living alone years were great.

 

Right now, it's not as rosy.

 

I had been posted overseas for work for quite some time now. 

 

Though I'm not new to living alone, doing so in a foreign city -- no matter how luxurious the apartment -- can be painfully lonesome.

 

Especially when you're miles away from your loved ones.

 

I try to replicate what worked for me in Singapore while overseas: Making video calls with my mum every week, inviting friends over for dinner or socialising with them whenever I could.

 

But it's really different.

 

There's no sense of familiarity or belonging here, and no matter how hard I try, I can't help but feel lonely while living alone overseas.

 

Sometimes, after a long day at work, I sit by my balcony with a glass of red wine.

 

In another context, that would make for a great IG post: Fancy wine glass, lovely skyline, curated captions to tell the world all is good on my end.

 

Except that it isn't quite the case.

 

Almost every night, I sit and sip alcohol thinking about how tired I am. How much I miss Singapore. And how ironically lonely I feel despite being surrounded by a close group of friends who're here with me.

 

I sometimes wonder if the culprit of my sentiments is ageing.

 

Is it because I'm now too old to be yanked out of my comfort zone and adapt like a chameleon? Have I morphed into an emo Uncle who is starting to complain about things and is on the right track of being a cranky old man?

 

Or perhaps, it's not me. It's how the current worldly situation that's affecting me.

 

The depressing COVID-19 that has injected insidious emotions in my system: The idea of having to intentionally isolate myself and retreating further into a space that's starting to feel increasingly claustrophobic -- while being physically away from my family and loved ones, AND ageing by the minute at that.

 

If I were to continue psycho-analysing my current situation, would I be forced to fit every emotion and sentiment into a convenient category? Emo. Homesick. Crazy. Overthinking. Stressed.

 

Is there really an answer?

 

Is there really a need for an answer?

 

I may never know precisely why I'm starting to feel lonely living alone.

 

Maybe it's temporary. Maybe it's progressive.

 

Maybe it's a mindset thing. Or a COVID thing.

 

But I'm at least sure of one thing.

 

I'm not the only one feeling this way.

 

And it gives me comfort that even though I feel lonely, I know I'm not 

Edited January 18, 2021 by Guest

[Guest]

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Edited January 18, 2021 by Guest

[auscent]

Steps to reduce loneliness in 1 person house

> simple physical comfort that suits you (eg: a rug/ minimalism)

> vary indoor activities (eg: dont just stick to binge Netflix)

> get outdoors (eg: physical exercise)

> blend routine with non routine activities

 

It is good to change mindset

> good to socialise but be aware of using outlets to substitute loneliness. Not a good long term solutn

> stay away fr negative thoughts (eg: start doing things for others)

 

Staying alone has lotssa perks. U just gotta put in bit more effort as there wont be someone else (eg family) to be readily present to perk u up!

[Guest Naturally]

1 hour ago, Blow away said:

This song is not exactly about loneliness but it comes to mind whenever i think about loneliness. Perhaps it contains the answer to why people feel lonely. Dedicate this song to all the lonely souls out there.

 

The Sound of Silence
Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools" said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming

And the sign said, "The words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sounds of silence"

Nice.

This one would be more for those who don't feel loneliness.

 

I Am a Rock

Song by Simon & Garfunkel

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow
I am a rock
I am an island
I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain
I am a rock
I am an island
Don't talk of love
Well I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried
I am a rock
I am an island
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock
I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

[stock-top]

 

[Guest guest]

19 hours ago, single42 said:

i have been living alone since my divorced (2years now coming to 3).. basically, i am renting a master room in Yishun area. 

 

Besides being deployed by HPB for swabbing duties & part time jobs on weekend nights.. most of the time, i am in my master room, surrounded by 4 walls. the only thing that connects me to the outside world is my trusty laptop.

 

I binge watch movies on NETFLIX, listen to news via youtube (CNA news live) / toggle channel 8 news / channel 5 news live. Coming into BW forums to read some of the threads (intelligent ones) 

 

for my meals, its either instant noodles, MREs, canned baked beans,  salads with dressing. I hardly step out of my room unless its required for me to do so like doing laundry, drawing of money from ATM, the nearest atm i have is at chong pang. 

 

 

Where is ur bachelor pad?? consider renting it out as a whole unit / selling it off to some joker like me who loves my own me time & space ??

You rent a room? There is your landlord in the house? If yes, then it is not consider fully staying alone. How come you don't go out to buy your meals? Eating instant noodles and canned food is not very good.

[Guest guest]

14 hours ago, Blow away said:

People are different. Some people can keep themselves busy the whole day, have active social life and a good job. End of the day when they lie on the bed, they just feel lonely. 
 

Some learn to turn it into solitude that they enjoy. But most just find a partner for companionship or sex.

 

Different people cope with loneliness or being alone differently. There is no right or wrong way to do so. Just what works for the individual.

 

I have never been confronted with staying alone in my entire life. I can cope with feeling lonely but staying alone AND feeling lonely is something new to me. 

True, being alone, feeling lonely or staying alone and feeling lonely actually are quite difference. Some people can cope with being alone but cannot cope with lonely, so they cannot stay alone cause no one in the house can talk to them or interact with them.

 

Alone and lonely must be extra careful cause it might lead to depression.

[Guest guest]

13 hours ago, Blow away said:

The reason I talk so much about being alone and feeling lonely is cos it is both a personal problem and a serious social issue. 
 

I go around asking some single friends how they cope with loneliness. Some say they cope well, some say they don’t cope well.

 

Sociologists have studied this social problem of loneliness to death. It remains that most people cannot cope well with it. The obvious solution for most is to get married, have a family or at least find a partner. 
 

But there will always be a group of people who are single by choice or by circumstances. And this group is growing. In the past, we have the kampung spirit where everyone lives in a closely knitted village. Now we hear more and more stories of people only found dead when their neighbours smelled the stench coming from their decomposing bodies.

 

Anyway it’s easier to cope with it when we have a proper job and healthy body. Imagine when u r retired and have failing health. I don’t think anyone in that position will be here to share how they cope with loneliness. 

Agreed when a person has a proper job and a healthy body, the person would be very happy to being alone or staying alone. When i was young and healthy, i always hope that i can stay alone  cause i can do anything i want, go out anytime i want, go home anytime i want, with a healthy body, i'm not afraid that i might fainted fall sick often and no one can take care of me, or worst fainted in the house.

 

But not as i grow older with some health problems, i would prefer to stay with people and not alone. At least someone is there to render help when my health failed.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Guest guest said:

Agreed when a person has a proper job and a healthy body, the person would be very happy to being alone or staying alone. When i was young and healthy, i always hope that i can stay alone  cause i can do anything i want, go out anytime i want, go home anytime i want, with a healthy body, i'm not afraid that i might fainted fall sick often and no one can take care of me, or worst fainted in the house.

 

But not as i grow older with some health problems, i would prefer to stay with people and not alone. At least someone is there to render help when my health failed.

Thanks for sharing. It will help others learn from your experience.

[IkuTube]

The one lesson I learn comes from this beautiful quote - "When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere."

 

Since the passing of my partner in early 2017, I have been on my own.   Though it took awhile for me to get adjusted, the quote gave me the courage and strength.  I believe in those meaningful words and its wisdom.  I realize that when I cannot find peace or not finding joy within me, I will not find it anywhere else.  Hence, it makes no difference whether I am staying alone or staying with family or that I rent out one room.

 

Staying alone is a choice and I choose it.   I feel free with this choice.  The acceptance, on making this choice, is important towards my psyche.  

 

Nonetheless, it can also be a scary thing for some people.  I have friends who asked - am I not afraid to live alone?  What will happen when I am sick?  What if I die?  Somehow, these do not bother me much.  Perhaps, I believe in God but that is another thing to talk about. 

 

With my choice to stay alone, I develop a system:

 

-  I send out daily messages to my loved ones every morning.  A simple text like "Happy Monday" or "Have a good day" is enough.  Basically, it is a simple act to let them know that I am well and alive.

 

-  I handed my house keys to family members and some trusted friends.

 

-  I make sure that I take care of my health.

 

-  I sleep with my phone next to me.

 

-  I create habits of things I enjoy doing (reading, tidying/cleaning the house, watching youtube, etc). 

 

It is important to have good mental and emotional strength to be on your own.  Probably, the right word would be 'be positive and stay positive' and, in good faith, everything will be good. 

 

 

[yuquidam]

On 10/24/2020 at 10:40 PM, Guest Sadlife said:

I have tried a lot of online apps and now this person that I was talking to decided to close his account. He probably has found someone for him to do that. I can't seem to find anyone for love. I guess I am destined to be single and alone forever. Am really sick and tired of being alone and missing out on the cuddles and love with someone. Why can't I just find one guy to love and share my life with? 

 

On 10/24/2020 at 11:32 PM, yoyo74 said:

Just find another love if u lost one love. Before that review your own personality if you have any suitable bf personality or not. As for being alone means you did not make enough gay friends. Start doing it now if you dont want to be alone for the rest of your life.

Why not join yoyo74 for his organised weekly runs? Besides running is a good exercise, running in a grp helps to foster mutual support and frenship. Dun join grp run with intention of finding luv, join for better mental and physical health ya. Hopefully, being happier and healthier other bonuses could come along your path. I wish you much happiness henceforth. 

[Guest guest]

On 1/18/2021 at 12:28 AM, IkuTube said:

The one lesson I learn comes from this beautiful quote - "When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere."

 

Since the passing of my partner in early 2017, I have been on my own.   Though it took awhile for me to get adjusted, the quote gave me the courage and strength.  I believe in those meaningful words and its wisdom.  I realize that when I cannot find peace or not finding joy within me, I will not find it anywhere else.  Hence, it makes no difference whether I am staying alone or staying with family or that I rent out one room.

 

Staying alone is a choice and I choose it.   I feel free with this choice.  The acceptance, on making this choice, is important towards my psyche.  

 

Nonetheless, it can also be a scary thing for some people.  I have friends who asked - am I not afraid to live alone?  What will happen when I am sick?  What if I die?  Somehow, these do not bother me much.  Perhaps, I believe in God but that is another thing to talk about. 

 

With my choice to stay alone, I develop a system:

 

-  I send out daily messages to my loved ones every morning.  A simple text like "Happy Monday" or "Have a good day" is enough.  Basically, it is a simple act to let them know that I am well and alive.

 

-  I handed my house keys to family members and some trusted friends.

 

-  I make sure that I take care of my health.

 

-  I sleep with my phone next to me.

 

-  I create habits of things I enjoy doing (reading, tidying/cleaning the house, watching youtube, etc). 

 

It is important to have good mental and emotional strength to be on your own.  Probably, the right word would be 'be positive and stay positive' and, in good faith, everything will be good. 

 

 

Fully agreed. These are the things that one person can do when they are living alone. For me the whole thing of staying alone is afraid of falling sick, when i am too weak to get off bed to get food or maybe taking care of myself. It is quite depression whenever i fall sick when staying alone. Other than that, i am perfectly ok to stay alone.

[yuquidam]

On 1/17/2021 at 1:15 PM, Blogger Adam said:

Having lived alone for the last 12 years, I can understand both the ups and downs that come with it.

 

I was in fact, just talking to a friend about loneliness in living alone the other night.

 

My first few years had been amazing: The whole experience of buying my own place and doing up my apartment to having regular house parties for different groups of loved ones and having alone time with wine and cheese and Netflix, is absolutely thrilling.

 

I always feel moving out from my family home made me closer to my family.

 

When I was still under my mum's roof, I would come home after a long day and retreat to my room and not be seen. Same goes for my younger brother and older sis who are equally good at being stealthy ninjas around the house.

 

We all have an overly chatty mum.

 

You know the exuberant aunty colleague we all try to avoid in the office pantry because the moment you run into her, she beams happily at you and tells you, without being prompted, all about her weekend grocery shopping with her fat cat and you're actually rushing a deadline for your own boss but you have no heart to tell that aunty colleague to stop talking because she's just too nice and also because once she starts talking there's no way you can interject?

 

That's our mum.

 

So even when I'm out of my room, I say very little to my mum who has the pent-up energy levels of a retired micromanager. She wants to know every aspect of my work life and offer help just because she's very motherly but also mostly 'cos Mrs Lee is very free judging from her empty work schedule.

 

Things are different now that I've moved out of the Lee HQ.

 

I make it a point to have my family over for dinner, and go home for soup on most weekends.

 

On those occasions, I hold actual conversations with my mum given that I had been allowed to function in my own space for the rest of the week.

 

For a while, I thought I had found the perfect sweet spot in life (and that's not to be confused with the other sweet spot in life -- that's a story for another day). 

 

I have the choice of living my quiet life in my home like a cloistered nun if I feel like it.

 

And when I feel the need to socialise, I can tap on the company of friends and loved ones any time.

 

So the first half of my living alone years were great.

 

Right now, it's not as rosy.

 

I had been posted overseas for work for quite some time now. 

 

Though I'm not new to living alone, doing so in a foreign city -- no matter how luxurious the apartment -- can be painfully lonesome.

 

Especially when you're miles away from your loved ones.

 

I try to replicate what worked for me in Singapore while overseas: Making video calls with my mum every week, inviting friends over for dinner or socialising with them whenever I could.

 

But it's really different.

 

There's no sense of familiarity or belonging here, and no matter how hard I try, I can't help but feel lonely while living alone overseas.

 

Sometimes, after a long day at work, I sit by my balcony with a glass of red wine.

 

In another context, that would make for a great IG post: Fancy wine glass, lovely skyline, curated captions to tell the world all is good on my end.

 

Except that it isn't quite the case.

 

Almost every night, I sit and sip alcohol thinking about how tired I am. How much I miss Singapore. And how ironically lonely I feel despite being surrounded by a close group of friends who're here with me.

 

I sometimes wonder if the culprit of my sentiments is ageing.

 

Is it because I'm now too old to be yanked out of my comfort zone and adapt like a chameleon? Have I morphed into an emo Uncle who is starting to complain about things and is on the right track of being a cranky old man?

 

Or perhaps, it's not me. It's how the current worldly situation that's affecting me.

 

The depressing COVID-19 that has injected insidious emotions in my system: The idea of having to intentionally isolate myself and retreating further into a space that's starting to feel increasingly claustrophobic -- while being physically away from my family and loved ones, AND ageing by the minute at that.

 

If I were to continue psycho-analysing my current situation, would I be forced to fit every emotion and sentiment into a convenient category? Emo. Homesick. Crazy. Overthinking. Stressed.

 

Is there really an answer?

 

Is there really a need for an answer?

 

I may never know precisely why I'm starting to feel lonely living alone.

 

Maybe it's temporary. Maybe it's progressive.

 

Maybe it's a mindset thing. Or a COVID thing.

 

But I'm at least sure of one thing.

 

I'm not the only one feeling this way.

 

And it gives me comfort that even though I feel lonely, I know I'm not alone.

 

Bro, at barely 42yo you're still young leh. Hopefully, at your present residing country you're able to get some good outdoor exercises or activities that would alleviate symptoms of a depressive mood. Don't give up meeting your grp of close friends too. Perhaps can share your sentiments with them? I wish you all the best with all my heart that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.

Edited January 19, 2021 by yuquidam

[justin21]

On 1/17/2021 at 1:15 PM, Blogger Adam said:

Having lived alone for the last 12 years, I can understand both the ups and downs that come with it.

 

I was in fact, just talking to a friend about loneliness in living alone the other night.

 

My first few years had been amazing: The whole experience of buying my own place and doing up my apartment to having regular house parties for different groups of loved ones and having alone time with wine and cheese and Netflix, is absolutely thrilling.

 

I always feel moving out from my family home made me closer to my family.

 

When I was still under my mum's roof, I would come home after a long day and retreat to my room and not be seen. Same goes for my younger brother and older sis who are equally good at being stealthy ninjas around the house.

 

We all have an overly chatty mum.

 

You know the exuberant aunty colleague we all try to avoid in the office pantry because the moment you run into her, she beams happily at you and tells you, without being prompted, all about her weekend grocery shopping with her fat cat and you're actually rushing a deadline for your own boss but you have no heart to tell that aunty colleague to stop talking because she's just too nice and also because once she starts talking there's no way you can interject?

 

That's our mum.

 

So even when I'm out of my room, I say very little to my mum who has the pent-up energy levels of a retired micromanager. She wants to know every aspect of my work life and offer help just because she's very motherly but also mostly 'cos Mrs Lee is very free judging from her empty work schedule.

 

Things are different now that I've moved out of the Lee HQ.

 

I make it a point to have my family over for dinner, and go home for soup on most weekends.

 

On those occasions, I hold actual conversations with my mum given that I had been allowed to function in my own space for the rest of the week.

 

For a while, I thought I had found the perfect sweet spot in life (and that's not to be confused with the other sweet spot in life -- that's a story for another day). 

 

I have the choice of living my quiet life in my home like a cloistered nun if I feel like it.

 

And when I feel the need to socialise, I can tap on the company of friends and loved ones any time.

 

So the first half of my living alone years were great.

 

Right now, it's not as rosy.

 

I had been posted overseas for work for quite some time now. 

 

Though I'm not new to living alone, doing so in a foreign city -- no matter how luxurious the apartment -- can be painfully lonesome.

 

Especially when you're miles away from your loved ones.

 

I try to replicate what worked for me in Singapore while overseas: Making video calls with my mum every week, inviting friends over for dinner or socialising with them whenever I could.

 

But it's really different.

 

There's no sense of familiarity or belonging here, and no matter how hard I try, I can't help but feel lonely while living alone overseas.

 

Sometimes, after a long day at work, I sit by my balcony with a glass of red wine.

 

In another context, that would make for a great IG post: Fancy wine glass, lovely skyline, curated captions to tell the world all is good on my end.

 

Except that it isn't quite the case.

 

Almost every night, I sit and sip alcohol thinking about how tired I am. How much I miss Singapore. And how ironically lonely I feel despite being surrounded by a close group of friends who're here with me.

 

I sometimes wonder if the culprit of my sentiments is ageing.

 

Is it because I'm now too old to be yanked out of my comfort zone and adapt like a chameleon? Have I morphed into an emo Uncle who is starting to complain about things and is on the right track of being a cranky old man?

 

Or perhaps, it's not me. It's how the current worldly situation that's affecting me.

 

The depressing COVID-19 that has injected insidious emotions in my system: The idea of having to intentionally isolate myself and retreating further into a space that's starting to feel increasingly claustrophobic -- while being physically away from my family and loved ones, AND ageing by the minute at that.

 

If I were to continue psycho-analysing my current situation, would I be forced to fit every emotion and sentiment into a convenient category? Emo. Homesick. Crazy. Overthinking. Stressed.

 

Is there really an answer?

 

Is there really a need for an answer?

 

I may never know precisely why I'm starting to feel lonely living alone.

 

Maybe it's temporary. Maybe it's progressive.

 

Maybe it's a mindset thing. Or a COVID thing.

 

But I'm at least sure of one thing.

 

I'm not the only one feeling this way.

 

And it gives me comfort that even though I feel lonely, I know I'm not alone.

 

Can I ask where have you been posted to, and if and how anything has changed?

 

Living alone in my own place has always been my ultimate idealised goal, but I also appreciate posts like this that talk about the potential downsides openly.

[LeanMature]

On 1/17/2021 at 1:15 PM, Blogger Adam said:

Having lived alone for the last 12 years, I can understand both the ups and downs that come with it.

 

I was in fact, just talking to a friend about loneliness in living alone the other night.

 

My first few years had been amazing: The whole experience of buying my own place and doing up my apartment to having regular house parties for different groups of loved ones and having alone time with wine and cheese and Netflix, is absolutely thrilling.

 

I always feel moving out from my family home made me closer to my family.

 

When I was still under my mum's roof, I would come home after a long day and retreat to my room and not be seen. Same goes for my younger brother and older sis who are equally good at being stealthy ninjas around the house.

 

We all have an overly chatty mum.

 

You know the exuberant aunty colleague we all try to avoid in the office pantry because the moment you run into her, she beams happily at you and tells you, without being prompted, all about her weekend grocery shopping with her fat cat and you're actually rushing a deadline for your own boss but you have no heart to tell that aunty colleague to stop talking because she's just too nice and also because once she starts talking there's no way you can interject?

 

That's our mum.

 

So even when I'm out of my room, I say very little to my mum who has the pent-up energy levels of a retired micromanager. She wants to know every aspect of my work life and offer help just because she's very motherly but also mostly 'cos Mrs Lee is very free judging from her empty work schedule.

 

Things are different now that I've moved out of the Lee HQ.

 

I make it a point to have my family over for dinner, and go home for soup on most weekends.

 

On those occasions, I hold actual conversations with my mum given that I had been allowed to function in my own space for the rest of the week.

 

For a while, I thought I had found the perfect sweet spot in life (and that's not to be confused with the other sweet spot in life -- that's a story for another day). 

 

I have the choice of living my quiet life in my home like a cloistered nun if I feel like it.

 

And when I feel the need to socialise, I can tap on the company of friends and loved ones any time.

 

So the first half of my living alone years were great.

 

Right now, it's not as rosy.

 

I had been posted overseas for work for quite some time now. 

 

Though I'm not new to living alone, doing so in a foreign city -- no matter how luxurious the apartment -- can be painfully lonesome.

 

Especially when you're miles away from your loved ones.

 

I try to replicate what worked for me in Singapore while overseas: Making video calls with my mum every week, inviting friends over for dinner or socialising with them whenever I could.

 

But it's really different.

 

There's no sense of familiarity or belonging here, and no matter how hard I try, I can't help but feel lonely while living alone overseas.

 

Sometimes, after a long day at work, I sit by my balcony with a glass of red wine.

 

In another context, that would make for a great IG post: Fancy wine glass, lovely skyline, curated captions to tell the world all is good on my end.

 

Except that it isn't quite the case.

 

Almost every night, I sit and sip alcohol thinking about how tired I am. How much I miss Singapore. And how ironically lonely I feel despite being surrounded by a close group of friends who're here with me.

 

I sometimes wonder if the culprit of my sentiments is ageing.

 

Is it because I'm now too old to be yanked out of my comfort zone and adapt like a chameleon? Have I morphed into an emo Uncle who is starting to complain about things and is on the right track of being a cranky old man?

 

Or perhaps, it's not me. It's how the current worldly situation that's affecting me.

 

The depressing COVID-19 that has injected insidious emotions in my system: The idea of having to intentionally isolate myself and retreating further into a space that's starting to feel increasingly claustrophobic -- while being physically away from my family and loved ones, AND ageing by the minute at that.

 

If I were to continue psycho-analysing my current situation, would I be forced to fit every emotion and sentiment into a convenient category? Emo. Homesick. Crazy. Overthinking. Stressed.

 

Is there really an answer?

 

Is there really a need for an answer?

 

I may never know precisely why I'm starting to feel lonely living alone.

 

Maybe it's temporary. Maybe it's progressive.

 

Maybe it's a mindset thing. Or a COVID thing.

 

But I'm at least sure of one thing.

 

I'm not the only one feeling this way.

 

And it gives me comfort that even though I feel lonely, I know I'm not alone.

 

 

Having home sickness while on overseas posting in a far away foreign country is quite common.  It's a completely different ballgame compared to staying alone in your home country.  You will truly cherish the quality time spent with your loved ones.

 

There will also come to a time, as your parents ages, to decide whether you need to move back to take care of them or to employ a caretaker.  Normally, this falls on your shoulder, if you are the only unmarried child in the family.

Edited January 20, 2021 by LeanMature

[tomcat]

lived and worked/studied overseas, alone and with roommates for a few years, and the experience really is not good.

 

you just feel cut off from your life back home. i even felt guilty when i was enjoying myself too much on my own, wondering what my parents or friends were doing. i was living the dream of being independent in a foreign country, but looking back, i still have bittersweet feelings about single and independent life.

 

today, i live with my partner, pets and 1 tenant. but most of the day, i am still by myself as they go out to work. i get to do my hobbies, go out with some friends during day time, do volunteer work, or just relax and laze around. when they come back, i get to be social again. weekends, i visit my parents, siblings with niece and nephews. since covid, we actually got closer - going for picnics or just dinner at their place. i have a fun time playing with the kids, eat nice food, and my partner gets to decompress from his work week as well.

 

what i am saying is that at different stages of life, you will prefer a different situation. it depends on your personality and how your day to day life affects your personality. for those whose work occupy their time and energy, coming back to an empty house can be a good thing for some and lonely and depressing for others.

 

so the first step is that we need to understand ourselves more, and our feelings. then we can fix (take away or add) elements to our lives to make it richer, more enjoyable etc. "know thyself" greatly applies in this case.


 

 

 

Edited January 20, 2021 by tomcat

[Guest Guest]

15 minutes ago, tomcat said:

 

today, i live with my partner, pets and 1 tenant. but most of the day, i am still by myself as they go out to work. i get to do my hobbies, go out with some friends during day time, do volunteer work, or just relax and laze around. when they come back, i get to be social again. weekends, i visit my parents, siblings with niece and nephews. since covid, we actually got closer - going for picnics or just dinner at their place. i have a fun time playing with the kids, eat nice food, and my partner gets to decompress from his work week as well.

 

you dun need to work?

[tomcat]

4 minutes ago, Guest Guest said:

you dun need to work?

 

retired myself in Aug 2019. now just do freelance / online consulting etc.

[Guest guest]

9 hours ago, justin21 said:

Can I ask where have you been posted to, and if and how anything has changed?

 

Living alone in my own place has always been my ultimate idealised goal, but I also appreciate posts like this that talk about the potential downsides openly.

Before you are able to stay alone, it is always an idealised goal hoping to be able to stay alone. But once you are staying alone, it might not be as ideal as what you thought to be.

[Guest former expat]

I lived in a few foreign countries and realised that the scale of loneliness can vary. It also has to do with how much of a culture barrier you feel exists compared to your own culture (or subculture).

 

Sometimes the cultural barrier of a country really exists and there is nothing you can do about it. Even though most Singaporeans always rave about staying in Thailand, I personally don’t feel the same way because I feel the cultural barrier, in addition to the language barrier, is pretty high for me to feel lonely. 

[Steve5380]

On 1/16/2021 at 11:15 PM, Blogger Adam said:

Having lived alone for the last 12 years, I can understand both the ups and downs that come with it.

----

Sometimes, after a long day at work, I sit by my balcony with a glass of red wine.

 

In another context, that would make for a great IG post: Fancy wine glass, lovely skyline, curated captions to tell the world all is good on my end.

 

Except that it isn't quite the case.

 

Almost every night, I sit and sip alcohol thinking about how tired I am. How much I miss Singapore. And how ironically lonely I feel despite being surrounded by a close group of friends who're here with me.

 

I sometimes wonder if the culprit of my sentiments is ageing.

 

-----

I may never know precisely why I'm starting to feel lonely living alone.

----

And it gives me comfort that even though I feel lonely, I know I'm not alone.

 

 

Blogger Adam,  like you I have lived alone for many years of my long life, and I know both the ups and downs of it.

 

I developed a good taste for red wine, a low-grade alcoholic beverage that fits well with a nice dinner and that can make me open up in social situations.  But since the pandemic kept me away from socializing, so ended my experience of wine. I have always made a point of not taking alcohol by myself.   Now eight months without tasting wine I have forgotten about it, and I think I'm done with it for the rest of my life. 

 

Wine drinking seems so harmless, makes one a little tipsy but not heavily drunk.  But  in the last decades I have seen several acquaintances decay rapidly due to the drinking of a little wine developing into a habit they could not break away from.  Some of them are women, who drank white wine, one of them my former neighbor, a fine lady who had always a glass of wine in her hand.  She developed dementia, was confined to an institution, her house was sold.  Another one is a lady earlier in good shape who developed obesity, principle of diabetes, and is confined to a wheel chair even being younger than me. 

 

Don't blame ageing for any decline. If your age is 42 as one reads in an earlier post,  you have sufficient youth to be in perfect shape.  And I am 35 years older than you, living alone since my bf passed away, and in perfect health and good spirit.  Many of us live alone, but this should not be unhealthy.  We can cultivate a love for ourselves (without this meaning that we become totally selfish) and we can enjoy our own company,  our interests, our thoughts, our plans, while maintaining  some distant contact with friends and family thanks to modern technology. And we can keep interest in society and the world events through the internet, the news, and feel empathy for the experiences of others.

 

Be comforted that being alone should not pose any risk.  Be positive in finding the right mental attitude that can make your solitude not only bearable but enjoyable. 

. 

Edited January 22, 2021 by Steve5380

[Steve5380]

On 1/17/2021 at 10:28 AM, IkuTube said:

 

The one lesson I learn comes from this beautiful quote - "When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere."

 

 

Thank you for posting this beautiful quote.  I may have intuitively thought so, but I had never seen it in writing.  This is my learning of today.

 

This thought seems to be so useful to direct the search of tranquility to the right place, and to not worry about trying to find it elsewhere.  

 

I also believe that if we have lost a beloved person, and he is in our heart,  solitude is never complete.

[Steve5380]

.

Edited January 22, 2021 by Steve5380

[Black Kitten]

If you go running/jogging everyday, you will not feel alone.  The exhaustion makes your heart beats faster and energized all the "batteries" in our body.  After that, have a good warm bath, a cup of hot tea and a favourite book,  all negative thoughts ceased to exist immediately and then you have another new day, thinking, where to start your running track again.

[Guest guest]

11 hours ago, Black Kitten said:

If you go running/jogging everyday, you will not feel alone.  The exhaustion makes your heart beats faster and energized all the "batteries" in our body.  After that, have a good warm bath, a cup of hot tea and a favourite book,  all negative thoughts ceased to exist immediately and then you have another new day, thinking, where to start your running track again.

Agreed, exercising really good to energized your body and you would not have time to think of negative thoughts. Only when a person has nothing much to do daily, would ended up with many negative thoughts.

[Blogger Adam]

On 1/22/2021 at 9:32 AM, Steve5380 said:

 

Blogger Adam,  like you I have lived alone for many years of my long life, and I know both the ups and downs of it.

 

I developed a good taste for red wine, a low-grade alcoholic beverage that fits well with a nice dinner and that can make me open up in social situations.  But since the pandemic kept me away from socializing, so ended my experience of wine. I have always made a point of not taking alcohol by myself.   Now eight months without tasting wine I have forgotten about it, and I think I'm done with it for the rest of my life. 

 

Wine drinking seems so harmless, makes one a little tipsy but not heavily drunk.  But  in the last decades I have seen several acquaintances decay rapidly due to the drinking of a little wine developing into a habit they could not break away from.  Some of them are women, who drank white wine, one of them my former neighbor, a fine lady who had always a glass of wine in her hand.  She developed dementia, was confined to an institution, her house was sold.  Another one is a lady earlier in good shape who developed obesity, principle of diabetes, and is confined to a wheel chair even being younger than me. 

 

Don't blame ageing for any decline. If your age is 42 as one reads in an earlier post,  you have sufficient youth to be in perfect shape.  And I am 35 years older than you, living alone since my bf passed away, and in perfect health and good spirit.  Many of us live alone, but this should not be unhealthy.  We can cultivate a love for ourselves (without this meaning that we become totally selfish) and we can enjoy our own company,  our interests, our thoughts, our plans, while maintaining  some distant contact with friends and family thanks to modern technology. And we can keep interest in society and the world events through the internet, the news, and feel empathy for the experiences of others.

 

Be comforted that being alone should not pose any risk.  Be positive in finding the right mental attitude that can make your solitude not only bearable but enjoyable. 

. 

 

Thank you kindly for sharing this and for your advice 

 

Your words hit home hard — I am indeed trying to cut down my wine intake. 
 

it was my 2021 resolution. 
 

And so far, not only am I eating my words, I’m also drinking more wine.... 

 

Nobody says it to my face that I’m alcoholic, but I guess I’m on my way down that slippery slope 

 

I appreciate your sharing and I take it as one more sign that your note, along with the chorus of my loved ones’ nagging, is  the universe universally telling me to stop 

 

Here’s hoping — one less bottle a week for a start. 
 

yeah, sounds like a good plan. I’ll drink to that. 

[tomcat]

On 1/23/2021 at 9:27 PM, Blogger Adam said:

 

Thank you kindly for sharing this and for your advice 

 

Your words hit home hard — I am indeed trying to cut down my wine intake. 
 

it was my 2021 resolution. 
 

And so far, not only am I eating my words, I’m also drinking more wine.... 

 

Nobody says it to my face that I’m alcoholic, but I guess I’m on my way down that slippery slope 

 

I appreciate your sharing and I take it as one more sign that your note, along with the chorus of my loved ones’ nagging, is  the universe universally telling me to stop 

 

Here’s hoping — one less bottle a week for a start. 
 

yeah, sounds like a good plan. I’ll drink to that. 

wonderful synchronicity, out of the many things anyone could confess, it was this - something that is of relevance to you. trust me, this is a sign if there ever was. when the universe reaches out to you in such an abrupt way, we need to listen. spirituality is sorely lacking in most people these days.