how to accept myself and gradually come out ?

[Deweygjh]

-

Edited January 25, 2017 by Deweygjh

[RinTinTin]

I'm out to everyone except my family.

I came out when I was in my 2nd year of poly, after getting to know a girl (who is now a close friend of mine),from the other class.

I sort of 'woke up' when she shared this quote with me, "Say what you want and be who you are, because those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter."

From then on, when anyone cared enough to ask me if I have a girlfriend, I'll just tell them I like men, and true enough, I didn't bother with those who were homophobic, although I didn't meet many of those people, prolly because I was studying Design and being gay in this industry is pretty common.

It all boils down to you actually, if you're afraid of being judged/disliked by people after coming out then it would be difficult.

I was a rather quiet student with a few people that I actually regard as friends, everyone else is just another student I didn't have to care about, so it was easy for me.

 

[June]

Do whatever that make you happy and don't burden yourself with other people opinion. For me I just tell whoever want to know about my sexuality as I am happy with myself and don't give a fuck about people judgment if any. 

[EasleyLim]

I say drop the plan for coming out for now. You need to accept the fact that you like guys first. We fear what we don't understand so you need to understand the reasons why *you* can't accept that you like men.

[abang]

TS, this is my take.

Do extremely well in your studies and let "coming out" issues evaporate gradually.  You ought to understand your main priority now is to get those good grades.  NS will come and thereafter after 21, the world is your oyster.  

[wilfgene]

1 hour ago, EasleyLim said:

I say drop the plan for coming out for now. You need to accept the fact that you like guys first. We fear what we don't understand so you need to understand the reasons why *you* can't accept that you like men.

After meeting a distant cousin of mine,"If I am not marrying her, there's gotta be something WRONG with me."

So, started a long and winding path for me, with so much selective amnesia, I was torn apart from inside of me.

That was decades ago.  Highly un-recommendable. 

There are more than one aspect to us.

Some self-reflection on if you are attracted to members of your own gender physically or emotionally.

Physically, apply social medias or check out threads here on saunas.

Emotionally, counselling with Oogachaga or Mm's thread on  "Being Homosexual"

(Glyph, don't hammer me.  I am still working on the second reply.)

Why would a father bring his son in PAP pre-school uniform about town close to midnight?  The puzzle was solved when he dropped his towel in front of me, he had put the condom on his un-erected penis.   

[whywhy]

For me i tried once with a girl, didn't like it. Tried once with a guy, didn't like it.

So i realized i'm an asexual.

[jaylen]

Dewey: why can't you accept your sexuality? Peers? Religion? Fear of disappointing parents? You need to find the root of the problem and part of moving forward is to know the causes of your feelings. PM me if you need to chat about it. But in a nutshell, it isnt about sex. It is about loving someone. Don't get to obsessed over who or which gender you are going to have sex with.

[Steve5380]

10 hours ago, Deweygjh said:

Hey fellow counterparts, i know this might be a dumb question to you . but for me, I've been struggling with my sexuality for at least 5 years now.

-----

P.S. : in need of inspiration.

If you have been struggling for 5 years you know perfectly well that you are gay and you hopefully don't have any prejudices about this. Don't let society convince you that gays are inferior and don't let any religion tell you that gay sex is SIN.  So I suppose that your problem is how to live a satisfactory life as a gay man and still not run into conflicts with the traditional society.

Like someone advised earlier, you should give the highest priority and your most attention to your studies. For us gays it is even more important to graduate, get a good work and become professionally successful.  Once you attain success (which means different things for different persons) you have earned the right to be yourself.

In the meantime, what to do about sex?  If you can postpone it as long as possible, the better.  Don't think that you are losing a unique opportunity, because we can enjoy sex as long as we live. Be careful not to be drawn into relationships with women out of compromise or pressure by family.

If sex becomes an obsession, look for it in an anonymous setting but without being too afraid of being outed. Let people know of your preference on a need to know basis only. There is a risk of being found out like there is a risk of having an accident,  and to be outed as gay is much, much more preferable than having an accident.

Depending on your future work, profession, the relevance of being know as gay varies, and so varies the importance of staying in a 'closet' or not. About family and friends, once you advance in adulthood you have an increasing right to be who you are.  Don't be too concerned about "hurting your parents".  Especially if you are a successful person, they should not have any problems accepting who you are.  And if they have problems, they are not being good parents and they don't deserve your special consideration in this aspect.  You deserve the 100% of your life, and you probably can better cope with losing them than they losing you, so if they are intelligent they will hopefully learn to accept you.

[Tiesto]

Dewey,

I feel you. I gave myself about 10 years to struggle and accept myself for who I am. Factors such as religion, expectations from parents and peers as previously mentioned by some members here are indeed areas you need to think about. You might be also thinking of the larger picture such as societal norms. At the end of the day, do not beat up yourself for who you are and become comfortable in your own skin. 

You definitely do not need to out yourself to others. It really depends on how comfortable with yourself and how prepared you are to come out to others. You may wish to reflect on some of these questions first:

• What are my reasons for coming out? Is the timing appropriate? (Sometimes you just need to share your troubles / thoughts in this area with someone who is in the know and these years where you bottled up your feelings were tough. I know how hard that can be and that's what this forum is here for )
• How will I know if my friends / family are accepting of me if I decide to come out? (Test the ground by asking them what their opinions are on LGBT issues. If they look comfortable with this issue, ask them if they have any personal experiences to share. You would get a better idea of how accepting they are. How much you trust your friends is also another aspect to consider.)
• Will the relationship dynamics with my friends / family change if I come out to them? (Understanding their stand on this issue will mostly signal if they accept you as their friend after you come out to them. Others may need more time.)

PM me if you want.

 

 

[IkuTube]

15 hours ago, Deweygjh said:

P.S. : in need of inspiration.

Take your time to enjoy the articles and, hopefully, they inspire you.  Do not judge, just read.  Do not set expectation, just accept.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/therapists-spill-12-ways-to-accept-yourself/

http://www.prolificliving.com/how-to-accept-yourself/

[Guest]

13 hours ago, wilfgene said:

After meeting a distant cousin of mine,"If I am not marrying her, there's gotta be something WRONG with me."

So, started a long and winding path for me, with so much selective amnesia, I was torn apart from inside of me.

That was decades ago.  Highly un-recommendable. 

There are more than one aspect to us.

Some self-reflection on if you are attracted to members of your own gender physically or emotionally.

Physically, apply social medias or check out threads here on saunas.

Emotionally, counselling with Oogachaga or Mm's thread on  "Being Homosexual"

(Glyph, don't hammer me.  I am still working on the second reply.)

Why would a father bring his son in PAP pre-school uniform about town close to midnight?  The puzzle was solved when he dropped his towel in front of me, he had put the condom on his un-erected penis.   

 

Is it just me? I catch no ball about this post.

[wilfgene]

On 1/4/2016 at 11:19 PM, Guest said:

 

Is it just me? I catch no ball about this post.

 

On 1/4/2016 at 10:02 AM, wilfgene said:

There are more than one aspect to us.

Emotionally, Mm's thread on  "Being Homosexual"

(I am still working on the second reply.)

Why would a father bring his son in PAP pre-school uniform about town close to midnight?  The puzzle was solved when he dropped his towel in front of me, he had put the condom on his un-erected penis.   

Spank me, this is the second reply.

All these meta-physical aspects are inter-locked within the same physical being.

Mm chose to confess to his emotional part to be with men but deny himself the DESIRE to be physically with any. so he claims, or as I interpret.

However, in-between, there is a deeper, darker, if not more sinister DESIRE .

The desire to turn dream into reality, to amalgamate all parts/aspects into ONE.

That father went awry.  

Edited January 5, 2016 by wilfgene

[Guest Jinn]

I was raped by my uncle when I was 20 but to tell you honestly i did enjoy it. It happened only once but it changed my view in sexuality. I had several encounter with girls but those are nothing in compare to what happened between me and my uncle. With that I realise I'm gay and wants to come out so that I could be free.

[FFF]

15 minutes ago, Guest Jinn said:

I was raped by my uncle when I was 20 but to tell you honestly i did enjoy it. It happened only once but it changed my view in sexuality. I had several encounter with girls but those are nothing in compare to what happened between me and my uncle. With that I realise I'm gay and wants to come out so that I could be free.

I am sorry to hear that you have been raped 

[doncoin]

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. 

[J0Boo]

Stop hiding...the hide and seek game gets boring if you did not get caught soon. Try to love yourself more and enjoy the big big world out there 

[Guest :-(]

I struggled about 10years

 

It didn't kill me

 

Neither will you die from it

 

Now, I've the most caring bf who loves me a lot 

[gc0805]

On 4 January 2016 at 11:19 PM, Guest said:

 

Is it just me? I catch no ball about this post.

 

its not just you. me catch no ball too, even after reading second post.

 

*no offence wilfgene, just being honest.*

[KAXavion]

Im still stuck in Discreet Zone/World.

[Guest TRY, TRY, TRY and keep try]

I hope this song can inspire you to keep trying, and keep trying, keep trying , never give up to find the strength to be the real self that you are happy and at peace with,

 

just to let you know I struggled until I am in my forties to be where I am happy today that I found My real self , to be strong for my self , it is life long journey baby.

 

 

This video by  PINK , I find the visuals are so strong and really lifts you up, n empowers you to fight back .

 

Watch it on a large full screen and loud volume too ..

 

 

of course there is also a powerful and nice hunk who knows his moves helps enjoyment too

[gstc82]

Accept yourself 1st lah. You dont even know who u r and talk abt coming out. Coming out from what? Not trying to be dismissive but think u think too much. 

[Puffypuff]

jyjy !! for me i only told a few of my friends and not to my family, but when ever they bring out the topic of gf/married, i always use the term my other half/my partner instead my girlfriend i feel this is a way for me to slowly drop hints to them.

[Guest Guest B]

If you're entering poly this year, it should mean you're only about 17 now. What are you even doing here in a platform for mature adults?

[KENZ]

Dear TS, strangely enough, when I was close to your age, I feel the need to tell everyone I knew about my sexual orientation (and I did it). Is like as if I needed the validation and I proudly display my "badge" of gayhood to anyone I knew. 

 

But as I grew older, stranger still, that feeling started to fade off. I began to realize that "coming out" is no magic pill to get rid of all the negativities or insecurities or pent up frustrations or comparisons. 

Most importantly, you must realize that you will still be who you are even after coming out. 

Once you feel comfortable and confident of who you are, there is no more need to say you want to come out or stay in, because it does not matter any more. (Coming out is also no rosy picture, it comes along with its own set of problems)

 

Take your time to discover who you really are. I sincerely hope you have an amazing Journey of self discovery. 

[Guest Guest]

Dear TS,

 

Dont despair because I suffer about this for more than 10 years. But mine was a different situation because I already know and accept who I am, but I was never able to talk about it with my parents due to the sense of guilt. The tension between my parents and I was terrible since they always questioned why I was not attached. Eventually it came to a threshold where I felt the need to come clean. Tell them, for they love and care about me, that's why they bother. If they love me, they will eventually accept it. 

 

So so I told them. It was hard at first but my parents told me they weren't completely surprised since they also suspected it. So it wasn't really a bad thing after all. Since then, my family bond strengthen because my parents create opportunities for me and my siblings to spend more time together. Haha. They just want to be sure someone will take care of me when I am old. But hey, most importantly, I am finally free of the bottled-up feeling, pressure, guilt, etc. 

 

It took courage no doubt, but the reward is huge. I have been happily living my life for few years already. Everyday is a good day. No hiding. 

[TheVisitors]

If you start a question with a how or a should, this means you are seeking for the approvals

 

Take a few steps back and look at the question, and ask yourself what do you really want of this life you have in hand. without seeking anyone's approval. and not even living in your parents ' expectations or formula

 

When you are able to answer your own question and taking some time to delete away things and people that do not and no longer serve or add to your own personal truth, it is the first step to your own personal freedom.

 

The truth you seek is not stagnant,  neither inertia or it stops here. It is an on going process, because life is forever on going with you as the one as the centre, in control of who you are

[Steve5380]

4 hours ago, TheVisitors said:

If you start a question with a how or a should, this means you are seeking for the approvals

 

Take a few steps back and look at the question, and ask yourself what do you really want of this life you have in hand. without seeking anyone's approval. and not even living in your parents ' expectations or formula

 

Not everyone is completely selfish, asking only what one wants, and not caring for anything or anybody else.

Many times it is not the fear of disapproval, but the fear of hurting loved ones.

[feedersmiracle]

I had sexual encounters since I was 13. Body exploration and the like. I had my first cock in my mouth when I was 14. I knew something was up. You need a close friend that you can tell all these things to, which I had and till now I'm still close to him. It's 9 years?

 

Slowly I told a few friends left and right. They told me they didn't think I was gay. Slowly a few poly friends. A few army friends. I discovered a few people in the same spot as me through the apps... 

 

After BMT I told my mum... which I sort of regret it. But I felt if its the truth, its me, I can't live in a cage. Caged by my own perception and comfort. I need to embrace and accept. Reading others experience and biography helps. She wants me to be single or be a priest (WTF?) But I guess either I give her time or let mortality be reality. 

[Steve5380]

4 hours ago, feedersmiracle said:

I had sexual encounters since I was 13. Body exploration and the like. I had my first cock in my mouth when I was 14. I knew something was up. You need a close friend that you can tell all these things to, which I had and till now I'm still close to him. It's 9 years?

 

Slowly I told a few friends left and right. They told me they didn't think I was gay. Slowly a few poly friends. A few army friends. I discovered a few people in the same spot as me through the apps... 

 

After BMT I told my mum... which I sort of regret it. But I felt if its the truth, its me, I can't live in a cage. Caged by my own perception and comfort. I need to embrace and accept. Reading others experience and biography helps. She wants me to be single or be a priest (WTF?) But I guess either I give her time or let mortality be reality. 

 

You can wait a little longer until SG has same-sex marriage and marry.  Or migrate to the USA now and marry there. Adopt a kid, and make your mom happy with a grandchild. Or do anything else you please for 60 years more until death. Tell your mom that your life is yours, and you love her anyway.

[MalayGuy1975]

Dear TS,

 

I don't know what has happened to you since you posted this but here's my story ...

 

I only accepted who I was when I was 25. By then, it was a 'now or never' stage. It wasn't smooth sailing to get to that stage and it hasn't been smooth sailing since but the thing is, I KNOW who I am and I LOVE who I am.

 

At this stage, I came out to a few close friends and as expected, I lost a few too. They just didn't want to be associated with a homosexual man. They said, it made them feel unclean. You can't stop them. You just accept that and move on.

 

I came out to my sister after my first partner died. She forced it out of me because she didn't understand why I had become so depressed and miserable. I came out to my 3 closest coursing because it was tiring for me to not comment on the topic of men when it arose. Thankfully, all four women accepted and still love me unconditionally.

 

At age 35, I stopped 'coming out'. It no longer seemed necessary to me. I'm just an average looking guy, I'm not a flash dresser, I don't talk much ... literally, I am (as one queen described me) 'beige wallpaper in a mental asylum'. I stopped caring what people thought or said about me. Let them question and speculate and gossip. The only people who want to know if I am straight or gay, are those who want to take me to bed.

 

So here's my advice. Learn WHO you are; your strengths, your flaws, your likes and dislikes, and then accept who you are unconditionally. Don't try to emulate other who have different strengths and resources than you. You have your own and that makes you you. That makes you unique. Come out only if you feel you need to or want to, don't let anyone tell you where and when you should. Nobody can force that out of you.

 

And after all is said and done, set sail but don't expect the gay sea to be smooth sailing with beautiful suns and skies.

 

All the best, young man.

[TheVisitors]

On 18/06/2016 at 7:16 AM, Steve5380 said:

 

Not everyone is completely selfish, asking only what one wants, and not caring for anything or anybody else.

Many times it is not the fear of disapproval, but the fear of hurting loved ones.

Its about self preservation, celebrating your own self worth.

No one is asked to be selfish.

If you have to be, there is nothing wrong with it

Everyone is selfish, which includes you as well.

You are not a saint nor an exception

 

If people around you can't accept who you are, so be it

If you have to consider their feelings, nothing will be done for yourself.

 

Its time for them to accept, people are different from what they expect them to be

 

If they want you to live a life which is ruled by their expectations, then they are the selfish ones, not you

 

You are perfectly fine. Their problem is theirs, not yours

[Steve5380]

10 hours ago, TheVisitors said:

If they want you to live a life which is ruled by their expectations, then they are the selfish ones, not you

You are perfectly fine. Their problem is theirs, not yours

 

What you say is also true.