A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)

[LupCheong]

For Wed, another blonde joke

A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive. She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would change her life.

While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer who was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her first good deed.

After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer, "your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could I have one."

The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay.

"637", said the blonde.

The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact number, but lived up to his bargain.

"I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.

Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Your joke for Thu 6 Dec 2007

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Advance Joke for Friday

Biology Class

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic....

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Advance Joke for Sat

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Your Joke for Sun, 9 Dec 2007.

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely."

"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On 10 Dec 2007, it will be one full year anniversary for my a joke a day thread. All good things must come to an end as I will post my last joke on 10 Dec 2007.

Love,

LC

[LupCheong]

[oralb]

i would think it is rather admirable to LC to stick to his words to post 1 joke a day, which manages, i hope so, keep the bitches away...

let's thank him for the funny 365 days

[IkuTube]

A BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW

JANUARY

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

FEBRUARY

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.

Blonde claimed:

"hellllooooo!!!! Bottles won't fit in printer!!!"

MARCH

Got really excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said '2 - 4 years'!

APRIL

Trapped on escalator for hours. Power went out!

MAY

Tried to make kool-aid. Wrong instructions. 8 cups of water won't fit in to those little packets!!

JUNE

Tried to go water skiing. Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

JULY

Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later, the other swimmers cheater - they used their arms.

AUGUST

Got locked out of the car in rain storm. Car swamped because soft-top was open.

SEPTEMBER

The capital of California is 'C', isn't it??

OCTOBER

Hate M&M's. They are so hard to peel.

NOVEMBER

Baked turkey for 4 and half days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and it weighs 108!

DECEMBER

Couldn't call 911.

Duh! There's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!

[死仔包]

thank you lc. :clap: i'll definitely miss the posts :thumb:

[LupCheong]

My last joke post for this year to make it 365 days of laughters, thanks everyone for your support in this thread! Have a wonderful and blessful year ahead!

IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER!

-If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!

-To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

-If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".

-Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

-To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

-To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

-To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

-If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

-When you lose your car keys, click on "find".

-"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

-You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your boot diskette to recover from a crash.

-We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.

-To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".

-Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.

-To undo a mistake, click on "back".

-Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".

-If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

[IkuTube]

thanks everyone for your support in this thread! Have a wonderful and blessful year ahead!

And, "Thank You" to you too for making each day filled with laughter. Have a wonderful and blessful year ahead too, LupCheong!

[Buaya]

Thanks, Ah Lup! *huggies*

I will definitely miss the jokes...

[jifu]

Received this funny email;

To: All Staff,

As you know, the realities of the downturn have hit home and I am forced to introduce the following cost-cutting measures to help shore up our beloved company. I know you will understand that the pain is temporary and the gains will be there for all of us to reap when the company comes through these difficult times stronger... and ready to ride the next big wave. So with immediate effect, all staff will be required to adhere to the following:

a. The cups on the two vending machines are to be recycled. Annabelle has already sterialised them.

b. Sabbatical leave: Executives booked for New York will now go to Kukup in Johor Bahru instead. Senior executives can go further - up to Yong Peng.

c. Our chalet lease in Pulau Ubin has ended. However, as the management takes a keen interest in staff welfare, we have arranged with Francis (from Admin Dept) to rent out one of his rooms at Blk 923, Pasir Ris Drive. His flat was chosen for its proximity to the sea and you can still see Ubin from the window.

d. Entertainment claims: Staff will be required to go for a 30-min demonstration by Raj from Finance Dept, who will show you how to withdraw your credit card slowly from your wallet (58 secs), so that others at a business lunch will inadvertently beat you to it when the bill comes.

e. The Valentine's Day white chocolates (Deluxeur) which I gave out in January : Those of you who have yet to open the box, please return them expiry date: Dec 2009).

f. Monthly Best Employee Award : The $1000 cash award will now be replaced by a box of Deluxeur white chocolates.

g. Annual Best Employee Award : The 14-day Disneyland/Hawaii tour and solid gold Rolex Oyster watch will be replaced by TWO! boxes of Deluxeur white chocolates.

h. Medical: The Oxfordshire-Hopkins Medical Group will no more be on our panel. Annabelle will give you the address of Hong Tong Hong Medical Hall in Sungei Road. Bring your company pass for a 10% discount.

i. Country Club Memberships : Senior executives must return their membership cards to Annabelle, who will then register your name with Bishan Community Centre.

j. Transport Allowance : No reduction of rate! However, it will be paid on alternate months.

k. Gifts for clients : New choices. The Bohemian Crystal list will be replaced by the one from 7-eleven.

l. Annual Dinner & Dance : No change (March 20, yay!), but the venue is switched from The Ritz-Carlton to the void deck of Annabelle's flat in Ang Mo Kio Avenue 10.

m. Bonus : This time, staff welfare comes first! Instead of the usual amount, we raised it up to $2 million. Each employee will be given a Singapore Sweep ticket. The draw is on March 5.

From: Chief Financial Officer

[Guest sean chia]

In a large multinational company...

A fire alarm rang at 4 pm in a large office when almost all employees were in office (approx 5000). As usual the entire office was evacuated within 3 mins & all employees gathered outside the office in the designated area, waiting for further announcement..

The Security Officer in charge made the following announcement:

"Dear employees - with sincere regret I have been asked to announce that for many of you it will be your last evacuation drill. Due to the recession, the company is laying off almost 50% of its employees. So when this announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building and if your swipe card does not work then it means you have been laid off in which case you will not be allowed inside and all your belongings will be couriered to you by tomorrow.

The Company has used this innovative approach as we didn't want to fill up the email box with lay-off mails and good bye mails in thousands & also to avoid any fight inside the office and the consequent security issue for all staff.

Hope you have had a rewarding career with us and all the best ahead.

Please move back in & try your luck.

Thank you".

[jifu]

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of

economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers

of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be

known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible

for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons

who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW

programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be

RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management

deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for

Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel

Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not

be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much

SH|T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has

always prided itself on the amount of SH|T it gives to employees. Should

you feel that you do not receive enough SH|T, please bring to the

attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all

the SH|T you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

[UFO]

Dear all...

Just wonder which you guys prefer? which brand and why?

As for me, I love Lavazza Coffee, Illy Coffee and Coffee from Cafe Nero UK.. Italian roasted coffee is just great for me!! Especially espresso con panna!! Yummy!

[snowball]

http://most-expensive.net/coffee-in-world

http://most-expensive.net/tea

[townguy]

illy anytime.... anything illy!!!

[Guest Marad44]

A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:

A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

B. 2 French men and 1 French woman

C. 2 German men and 1 German woman

D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman

F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman

G. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

H. 2 American men and 1 American woman

I. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman

One month later, on various parts of the island, the

following was observed:

A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.

C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.

E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.

F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.

G. The two Irish men began by dividing up their part of the island into Northern & Southern parts, and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember the Irish woman because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey; but at least the English are not getting any.

H. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

What happened to the Indians ??????

The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman!!!

[Phil]

Excellent!

Thanks, Marad.

What happened to Lup Cheong?

[LupCheong]

Excellent! Thanks, Marad. What happened to Lup Cheong?

Oh my, was it really that long ago when I started this topic? It sure seems like just yesterday. Yes Phil? I am still around, just being less active. Hope everyone remembers that Laughter is the best medicine! Huat Ah!

[Phil]

Oh my, was it really that long ago when I started this topic? It sure seems like just yesterday. Yes Phil? I am still around, just being less active. Hope everyone remembers that Laughter is the best medicine! Huat Ah!

Nice to see you back, Lup Cheong!

You did not start this topic so long ago, but as we say here, "time flies...".

I totally agree with you, laughter is an excellent medicine, specially in Europe during this troubled crisis era...

Thanks to all those who make us laugh!

[Blacque]

Bump to this amazing thread

[Guest Guest]

What happened to the Indians ??????

The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman!!!

HELP!!!! i dun get it!

[SoSonni]

HELP!!!! i dun get it!

 

Arranged Marriage.

[Guest fuze]

[Guest Harley]

What is the funniest joke you know?

[practease]

Donald Trump

[fab]

That gst is to help the poor.

[Guest Peanut Lady]

If you earn below SGD500,000 per year, you are considered a mediocre working class. That comes from the mouth of Singapore long time politician.

[Zealouslogue]

Here are some jokes. Hope it keeps y'all entertained. Also, please share some of your jokes. 

https://bestlifeonline.com/dirty-jokes/

[Guest Joker]

Healthy no wear masks.

[Guest Wahahaha]

When do you call a cunt a pussy? When one man's trash became another's treasure. 

[Guest Hehehehehe]

Do you know why God created Eve and not Steve? The latter will kill the snake and make a fashion out of its skin. Game over for most religion there and then.

[Guest Wahahaha]

The best way to stimulate a cock is to use the hen.

[leo yok loo]

Person H: oh, my runway too short, i dont want to do already.

Person K: ok lah since you ask me to become chairman, I dont retire liao.

[Guest Tsk]

16 minutes ago, leo yok loo said:

Person H: oh, my runway too short, i dont want to do already.

Person K: ok lah since you ask me to become chairman, I dont retire liao.

*Yawn*

[Zealouslogue]

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me!" 

[passinthenight]

 A teacher says, " OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home".

 

 Susie says, " We need a computer".

 

 Wendy says, " We could do with a car".

 

 Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss".

 

Teacher says, " Come on Johnny, everyone needs something".

 

" No Miss, my sister came home with her new Pakistani boyfriend and my Dad said " That's all we fucking need".

[passinthenight]

Edited June 6, 2021 by passinthenight

[Guest does it fit?]

On 6/3/2021 at 9:15 PM, passinthenight said:

 A teacher says, " OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home".

 

 Susie says, " We need a computer".

 

 Wendy says, " We could do with a car".

 

 Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss".

 

Teacher says, " Come on Johnny, everyone needs something".

 

" No Miss, my sister came home with her new Pakistani boyfriend and my Dad said " That's all we fucking need".

 

 

This fits a bit into this thread:

 

 

[passinthenight]

[Zealouslogue]

On 6/10/2021 at 12:42 PM, passinthenight said:

Vaccine in his ass ah? 🤣

[Zealouslogue]

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. 

[Dart]

A praying mantis watching a female eating her mate saying, "I don't know how many times I told Fred that being a heterosexual praying mantis was going to get him killed one of these days."

[Zealouslogue]

Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.