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A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)


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Joke for Sunday ;)

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ." :D

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Joke for Monday, have a great week ahead! ;)

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." "Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'" :D

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Funeral Instructions

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no

male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service,

she wrote, "They wouldn't date me out while I was alive, I don't want them

to take me out when I'm dead."

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Joke for Tues ;)

Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!" :D

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The Boasting Boys

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

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TO ALL THE THOSE WHO WERE BORN IN THE 50's and 60's / early 70s

First, we survived with mothers who had no maids. They cooked /cleaned while taking care of us at the same time.

They took aspirin, candy floss, fizzy drinks, shaved ice with syrup and diabetes was rare. Salt added to Pepsi or Coke was remedy for fever.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

As children, we would ride with our parents on bicycles/ motorcycles for 2 or 3. Richer ones in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a private taxi was a special treat. We drank water from the tap and NOT from a bottle.

We would spend hours on the fields under bright sunlight flying our kites, without worrying about UV rays which never seem to affect us.

We go into the jungle to catch spiders without worries of Aedes mosquitoes.

With mere 5 pebbles (stones) would be a endless game. With a ball (tennis ball best) we boys would ran like crazy for hours.

We caught guppy in drains / canals and when it rained we swam there.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually worry about being unhygenic.

We ate salty, very sweet & oily food, candies,bread and real butter and drank very sweet soft drinks, sweet coffee/ tea, ice kachang, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, till streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours repairing our old bicycles and wooden scooters out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, multiple channels on cable TV, DVD movies, no surround sound, no phones, no personal computers, no Internet.WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and we still continued the stunts.

We never had birthday parties till we were 21, We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and just yelled for them!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Yet this generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 40 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! :D

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Church Announcement

There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his

congregation: "I have good news and bad news".

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." :oops:

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Joke for Thurs ;)

Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex...

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

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For Thurs ;)

Fun in the Computer Lab

1.Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2.Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3.When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4.Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5.Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6.Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7.Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8.Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9.Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

10.Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

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A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

:D

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Joke for Sunday :lol:

Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake................... followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday..............and there on the couch I sat with nothing on but my socks. :D

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8 Simple Ways to Control Stress

Simple modifications in posture, habits, thought, and behavior often go a long way toward reducing feelings of stress and tension. Here are 8 quick and simple things you can do immediately to help keep your stress level under control.

1. Control Your Anger:

Watch for the next instance in which you find yourself becoming annoyed or angry at something trivial or unimportant, then practice letting go - make a conscious choice not to become angry or upset. Do not allow yourself to waste thought and energy where it isn't deserved. Effective anger management is a tried-and-true stress reducer.

2. Breathe:

Breathe slowly and deeply. Before reacting to the next stressful occurrence, take three deep breaths and release them slowly. If you have a few minutes, try out breathing exercises such as meditation or guided imagery.

3. Slow Down:

Whenever you feel overwhelmed by stress, practice speaking more slowly than usual. You'll find that you think more clearly and react more reasonably to stressful situations. Stressed people tend to speak fast and breathlessly; by slowing down your speech you'll also appear less anxious and more in control of any situation.

4. Complete One Simple To Do:

Jump start an effective time management strategy. Choose one simple thing you have been putting off (e.g. returning a phone call, making a doctor's appointment) and do it immediately. Just taking care of one nagging responsibility can be energizing and can improve your attitude.

5. Get Some Fresh Air:

Get outdoors for a brief break. Our grandparents were right about the healing power of fresh air. Don't be deterred by foul weather or a full schedule. Even five minutes on a balcony or terrace can be rejuvenating.

6. Avoid Hunger and Dehydration:

Drink plenty of water and eat small, nutritious snacks. Hunger and dehydration, even before you're aware of them, can provoke aggressiveness and exacerbate feelings of anxiety and stress.

7. Do a Quick Posture Check:

Hold your head and shoulders upright and avoid stooping or slumping. Bad posture can lead to muscle tension, pain, and increased stress.

8. Recharge at the Day

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Joke For Monday ;)

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?" "Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... SPIT, don't SWALLOW." :D

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Joke for Tues ;)

One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says that she is there to give her 3 wishes. '' I wish I was 21 and beautiful!'' The wish is instantly granted. ''I wish I had a million dollars!'' The wish is granted. ''I wish that my cat here were the most handsome guy in the world and were madly in love with me.'' The wish is granted. The now young lady and her man go inside. They start to cuddle, and the man looks at her. ''Aren't you upset you had me fixed?'' :D

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Joke for Thur ;)

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. 'Help me! Help me!' she screamed. 'I'm being robbed!' 'You ain't being robbed, slut!' her attacker interrupted. 'You're being screwed!' The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. 'If you're screwing me with that,' she fumed, 'I am being robbed!' :D

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Joke for Thur ;)

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. 'Help me! Help me!' she screamed. 'I'm being robbed!' 'You ain't being robbed, slut!' her attacker interrupted. 'You're being screwed!' The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. 'If you're screwing me with that,' she fumed, 'I am being robbed!' :D

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Anyway joke for Fri :D

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?' to which she replies 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my butt?'. She said 'Uh...no, I'm your son's math teacher.' :D

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Joke for the weekend :lol:

Doctor: ''It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords.'' ''Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?''

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure.

The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up. Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches. The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: ''I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!'' :D

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Joke for Tues ;)

One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says that she is there to give her 3 wishes. '' I wish I was 21 and beautiful!'' The wish is instantly granted. ''I wish I had a million dollars!'' The wish is granted. ''I wish that my cat here were the most handsome guy in the world and were madly in love with me.'' The wish is granted. The now young lady and her man go inside. They start to cuddle, and the man looks at her. ''Aren't you upset you had me fixed?'' :D

I actually didn't get the joke at first. But then I realised that the woman must have had the cat 'sanitised' or I forgot what the term was.

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