A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Just a joke, no offence to anyone

2 Indians stood a distance from each other.

HOW DID THEY communicate??

Remember they have a red dot on their FOREHEAD?

Ans: VIA INFRA RED.....

No wonder they always shake their head when chatting due to poor reception.

But they are going to change red color to blue ones.

You know why????

Coz blue tooth has better signal!!

[LupCheong]

WHY MEN WEAR CLOTHES

Early experiences that convinced the male to clothe himself.

Here's why:

Hope these brighten up you day

[LupCheong]

Playboy magazine for the middle east

[LupCheong]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[LupCheong]

Interesting Eye Teaser

Read out loud the text inside the triangle below.

More than likely you said, "A bird in the bush," and........

if this IS what YOU said, then you failed to see

that the word THE is repeated twice!

Sorry, look again.

Next, let's play with some words.

What do you see?

In black you can read the word GOOD, in white the word EVIL (inside each black letter is a white letter). It's all very physiological too, because it visualize the concept that good can't exist without evil (or the absence of good is evil ).

Now, what do you see?

You may not see it at first, but the white spaces read the word optical, the blue landscape reads the word illusion. Look again! Can you see why this painting is called an optical illusion?

What do you see here?

This one is quite tricky!

The word TEACH reflects as LEARN.

Last one.

What do you see?

You probably read the word ME in brown, but.......

when you look through ME

you will see YOU!

Do you need to look again?

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every " F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI

FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH

THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.

READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

[Riko]

Joke for Tuesday

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.

Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress and the husband noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. 'Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him.'

This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. 'Now, tell HIM you have a headache.'

I don't get this one. Can someone explain it?

[Guest Guest]

Let me try to explain.

The man is angry that the wife always rejects sex with the husband saying she has a headache when he is horny, so he revenged by locking her up with the horny gorilla and that's why he said "'Now, tell HIM you have a headache", HIM refers to the gorilla lah

[LupCheong]

oops forgot to log in, the above explanation was from me..hehe

Anyway joke for Wed

A door-to-door salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine-year old boy puffing on a long black cigar. Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, 'Is your Mother home?' The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, 'What the hell do you think?'

[LupCheong]

[Buaya]

Wow. The US graduation photo has a cute frat boy, bottom left.

I like the right most guy from the Japan one... So cute... Remove his plastic basin please... Keke...

[Buaya]

2. Tks 2 SMS, u oso dun no how 2 spel anymor.

I absolutely hate this... Makes reading difficult...

3. You pat bus seats and even MRT seats to cool them before you sit? down.

Classic!

4. At lunch, you start discussing what to eat for dinner.

Now that you mentioned it! I am already discussion dinner for this Friday!

21. You've eaten more times at the Esplanade than you've actually seen shows there.

This is damn funny! And so so so true...

23. You always feel oddly hungry at 11 pm, and are willing to drive to far away places for supper.

For Slimlean!

34. You 'chope' a seat by placing a packet of tissues on the chair.

Finally got a taste of this when I managed to go town at lunch time... Disgusting habit of Singaporeans... :swear:

Thanks, LC!! :clap:

[Itaewan]

Lesson in Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.

To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.

He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.

I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." :oops:

[Riko]

Let me try to explain.

The man is angry that the wife always rejects sex with the husband saying she has a headache when he is horny, so he revenged by locking her up with the horny gorilla and that's why he said "'Now, tell HIM you have a headache", HIM refers to the gorilla lah

Ouhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I see.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thurs

A old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, 'Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?' 'Right here at your side, my love.' 'And my son, Moishe...where is he?' 'Right here at your side, papa.' 'And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?' 'Right here at your side, papa.' 'And my son, Abraham...where is he?' 'Right here at your side, papa.' 'What, none of you assholes is minding the store?'

[LupCheong]

How Tarzan got his SCREAM

[LupCheong]

Difference Between a Ferrari and Kia

[LupCheong]

I may have posted this before or you may have read this before, but I still find it so funny and true

*_FIVE CORPORATE LESSONS_*

*Corporate Lesson 1*

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.?The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.?When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.?Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."?After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.?After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.?The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.?When she gets to the bathroom, her husband barks, "Who was that?"?"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.?"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

*_Moral of the story_*: - If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

*Corporate Lesson 2*

A priest offered a lift to a Nun.?She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.?The priest nearly had an accident.?After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.?The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"?The priest removed his hand.?But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.?The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"?The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."?Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.?On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.?It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

*_Moral of the story_*: - If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

*Corporate Lesson 3*

A sales rep and a administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.?They rub it and a Genie comes out.?The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."?"Me first!?Me first!" says the admin. clerk.?"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."?Poof!?She's gone.?"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.?"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."?Poof!?He's gone.?"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.?The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

*_Moral of the story_*: - Always let your boss have the first say.

*Corporate Lesson 4*

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.?A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"?The crow answered: - "Sure, why not."?So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.?A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

*_Moral of the story_*: - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

*Corporate Lesson 5*

A turkey was chatting with a bull.?"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."?"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.?"They're packed with nutrients."?The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.?The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.?Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.?Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

*_Moral of the story_*: - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Riko]

I got the Kia/Ferrari thing in my email about the month ago. There were ALOT more photos than that.

[LupCheong]

I got the Kia/Ferrari thing in my email about the month ago. There were ALOT more photos than that.

Hi Riko,

yes I know there are a lot more photos of the girls, you like girls meh? Want so many sexy photos of them for what?

[LupCheong]

Joke for Friday, yay we made it to Friday!

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter quickly reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was very impressed.

'Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?' he asked. The waiter replied,'Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our customers knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.'

The man proceeded to finish his meal and went to pay the waiter. As he paid he commented 'Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?' The waiter replied, 'Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go to the bathroom, and return to work.

Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. It is very efficient!' 'Wait a minute,' queried the diner, 'how do you get your penis back in your pants?' 'Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.'

[LupCheong]

Chinese Kung Fu

[Massagee]

The pictures showed people finding ways to beat the system and mankind's triumphs over natural obstacles. I find them rather inspirational. Thanks for the pics.

In the spirit of lightheartedness. Donatella Versace decides to design a perfume for the undeclared gay and lesbian community in the SAF. The new line is called Donaska Donatella.

[Buaya]

С

[LupCheong]

Joke for the weekend.

2 nuns were walking in Central Park in New York late at night and 2 men came out of the bushes, and started to force them into having sex. The first nun prayed saying, 'Forgive him Lord for he does not know what he is doing,' While the other nun screams, 'Oh yes, he does!'

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sunday

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, ''I'll have a shave and a shoe shine.'' The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, ''Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.'' She replied, ''I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, ''Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference.'' She said, ''You tell him. He is the one shaving you.

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday, hope you had a good weekend

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered, 'Let's relive some old times.' Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

[LupCheong]

Hope your Monday Blues are washed away by these :-

Amazing 3D Arts

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence..Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

[LupCheong]

If Women Controlled the World

[LupCheong]

Hope all these chased your Monday blues Away

What is Marketing?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number.

The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I want to marry you."

That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"

She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tuesday

The politician running for President was at a news conference. A reporter jumped up and asked, "Your secretary announced this morning that you have a tiny penis. Would you comment on this?" "The truth is," he said, "that she has big mouth."

[LupCheong]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and

says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[LupCheong]

Interesting Illusions

Is This Possible?

Are the purple lines straight or bent?

Do you see gray areas in between the squares?

Now where did they come from?

You should see a man's face and also a word...

Hint: Try tilting your head to the right, the world begins with 'L'

If you take a look at the following picture , let me tell you ............ it is not animated. Your eyes are making it move. To test this, stare at one spot for a couple seconds and everything will stop moving. Or look at the black center of each circle and it will stop moving. But move your eyes to the next black center and the previous will move after you take your eyes away from it.... Weird

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Wednesday

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged. One Texan turned to the other and said 'That little gal is havin

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

A wonderful Message by George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways ,but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thursday

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my dick and pull yourself up.' The the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.

[LupCheong]

[Massagee]

Osim likes to use "i" "u" as prefixes to their new line of products to give them an illusion they are cool and so very in. After a successful launch of their Upapa, a massage chair for the fathers, the OSIM people came up with a few other ideas.

UChildren: For the music-loving youngsters, a music amplifier with a difference. It plays music up to 1000 decibels. But the unique thing is, it detects the sirens of police and screamings of mothers then lowers/increases the volume of music accordingly.

Umama: For the hardworking mothers, a massager with inter-changeable heads. When hubby is around, she should insert the smallest head onto the massager. When he isn't, insert the biggest head and turn on UChildren.

For the Grandmothers and Grandfathers, there is Urina.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Friday

Mike got busted the other day at work. His boss came over to him and said "Mike, you've been looking at p--n sites on your computer again haven't you?" Shocked, Mike said "What the heck gives you that idea?" "Well," he said, "the lick marks on your screen for one, and your shorts around your ankles don't help you much either."

[LupCheong]

[IkuTube]

The Soldier And The Nun

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see -- I don't want to go to Iraq ."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either."

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, 'My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!'

The second old fogey one-upped him. 'My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!'

The third old man laughed and said, 'That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times.'

[LupCheong]