A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sunday

A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: 5% said it was to get a glass of water... 12% said it was to go to the toilet... 83% said it was to go home!!!

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday, have a good week ahead!

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, 'Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.'

[LupCheong]

[Guest Tick-tock.]

A man shouted to his wife, "Come here and look at my

> clock"

>

> She walks in and finds him naked with a hard-on.

>

> She says, "That's not a clock"

>

> He says, "It will be when you put two hands and a

> face on it"

[LupCheong]

An Inspiring Story to brighten your Monday

THE TRUE STORY OF TWO TENORS

THIS IS A STORY THAT PERHAPS FEW PEOPLE HAVE HEARD

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tuesday

One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply. When time was over she called on a student named Johnny. He said, ''This is the process of having sex. First you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.''

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Wed, yay it's the eve of National Day liow

A guy and a girl were in a bar. They started talking and decided to go back to the guy's house. When they got there the man took off his shirt and said, 'This is 1,000 pounds of dynamite.' The girl was sweating. Then he took off his pants and said, 'This is another 1,000 pounds of dynamite.' By now, the girl wanted to jump on him.

Then he took off his boxers and the girl started to run for the door. The guy asked, 'Whats wrong? Where are you going?' The girl said, 'With 2,000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I thought you were going to blow.'

[Asura]

National Day eve, time to renew our pledge!

I the citizens of Singapore,

pledge myself to strike on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturady and Sunday,

Regardless of TOTO, 4D or Big Sweep,

to buy hope and earn extra money,

base on quick-pick, system-roll, and scratch-n-win,

So as to achieve, car, condo, and progress for my bank account!

Happy National Day

[LupCheong]

Joke for the Holiday, Happy Nat'l Day!

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, 'It's simple. I just say I'm a lawyer.'

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said 'No,' he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, 'Oh, your a lawyer?' He said, 'Why yes I am!'

So they went to his place and when they were in bed screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny he answered, 'Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!'

[LupCheong]

Ouch!

[LupCheong]

Advanced jokes just in case I am too busy to post on Friday

During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was asked by a reporter: 'Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?' 'Yes, was the reply, 'I once cured a millionaire in three visits!'

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Taken from 8 Days, hilarious!

We keep hearing about all this scary stuff coming out of China. So how do we tell if our imported goods are okay?

Signs That Something May Be Wrong With Your Imported Goods

1. The ingredient list just says, "You ask me, I ask who?"

2. Your new colleague is foreign, it's true, but he like not very talented like that leh..

3. Your bottle of Italian dressing tastes a bit Estonian.

4. That disocunted Viagra you bought makes your nipples glow in the dark.

5. That Persian rug you bought keeps meowing and coughing up hairballs.

6. You can't quite put your finger on why you're not sure whether the Faux Gras and Shampagne you bought are actually French.

7. The English on your Sanrio pencil case is actually grammatical.

8. The label on your can of dog food says, "Made from 100% real dog!"

[LupCheong]

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password to be able to log on to the server.

The husband's sense of humor kicked in, and decided he would try to shock his wife. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was typing in the word 'p..e..n..i..s'. His wife nearly fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied......... **PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH**

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sunday

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, ''I can guess your age.'' The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try. ''Pull down your pants,'' she says. He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, ''You're 84 years old.'' ''That's amazing,'' the man says. ''How did you know?'' ''You told me yesterday."

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday, have a good week

A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor, "I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!" The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..."

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tuesday

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings.

Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo. 'I do not want to go to heaven', she tells St. Peter. 'I'll go to the other place.' 'You want to go to hell', he replies. 'They rape and sodomize you down there' 'I don't care', she answers. 'At least I already have holes for that.'

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

With this in mind, a new innovation of a new scooter is invented,

something that was easy on gas and could zip around to convenient

store and about town.

This seems to meet EVERYONE's need.

U r going to love it!

Remember:

Senior Citizens Are Valuable

Senior Citizens are more valuable than any of the younger generations:

They have Silver in their hair.

They have gold in their teeth.

They have stones in their kidneys.

They have lead in their feet and....

They are loaded with natural gas

[LupCheong]

Joke for Wed

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination. The mother got out of the car and said, ''Thank you!'' ''Anytime,'' her daughter replied. As the woman slammed the door, she said, ''I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God.''

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Inspirational Thoughts

[LupCheong]

From 8 days mag, hilarious

Top Job Hunting Tips

1. Be honest. Tell the interviewer that you see this job as only temporary, until that Nigerian guy who emailed you deposits the $50 million in your bank account.

2. Use your ingenuity. If you pass gas during your interview, blame it on the secretary.

3. Show that you're a family man. If any of the interview questions stumps you, feel free to phone your mother.

4. Be gracious. Always compliment the lazy executives on the size of their breasts.

5. Do your homework. Research your potential boss by staking out his house in an unmarked van at least two weeks before the interview.

6. Be resourceful. If your shirt has stain on it, draw attention away from it by leaving your fly open.

7. Be original. Your interviewer is probably sian of seeing so many people in suits and ties, so they're bound to find a guy in a T-shirt, shorts and slippers refreshing.

8. Be considerate. If you're wearing slippers(see above), maybe also wear socks to muffle the sound a bit.

9. Be thoughtful. Leave your interviewer a thank-you card with a small gift enclosed, such as a wallet-sized rectangular portrait of the late President Yusof Ishak.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thurs

A guy runs into his ex-wife. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you." "Why, because you miss me?" "No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."

[LupCheong]

[Guest FightStewardess.]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

>

>(This one is too funny to not forward.)

>

>My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,

>

>who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food

>and

>drinks.

>

>As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the

>aisle

>and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that

>

>he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people,

>if

>you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

>

>On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and

>

>rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you

>

>didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to

>

>raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the

>

>ground."

>

>She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called

>a

>Princess and I take orders from no one."

>

>To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing

>a

>beat,"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I

>

>out rank you.

>

>Tray-up, Bitch."

[LupCheong]

Joke for Fri

One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is.

The bartender says "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly.

Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying you drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?"

The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said "I haven't the foggiest idea."

[LupCheong]

[Guest Swd my bf?]

A Priest was about to leave His Mission in the jungles where he has spent

years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never

taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in

the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief

looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, ?

[LupCheong]

Importance of sleep

A man can go two weeks without eating. But if he doesn't rest at all, he can only survive for one week. Sleeping provides us the time to rest our internal organs, eyes and brains. Poor sleep quality can cause internal damage to our internal organs and brains. Therefore, sleeping is very important to us. If you wish to have a long life and stay healthy, please take note of the advice below.

5 DON'TS when you are sleeping

[LupCheong]

Dalai Lama's I N S T R U C T I O N S F O R L I F E

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sun

While purchasing some condoms, Little Johnny remarked with a smile, ''I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight.'' ''Yes, sir,'' smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, ''would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?'' ''That wouldn't make much sense,'' said Little Johnny. ''They're the gift wrapping.''

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday, have a good week ahead

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: 'PIG!!' The man immediately leans out his window and replies 'BITCH.' They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tues

What is the difference between sex and computers? With computers, the software goes into the hardware. With sex, the hardware goes into the software.

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

һ

[LupCheong]

Joke for Wed

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman.

She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, ''Compared to what?''

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, ''I'm bigger than that.'' Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, ''I'm bigger than that.''

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, ''I'm about that big.'' She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, ''You're a medium.''

[LupCheong]

Need some turbo power during cycling?

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thursday

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The madam says to her, "Do you have any questions?" The hooker replies, "Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?" The madam says, "The same as the short ones."

[LupCheong]

Only in China

[LupCheong]

Joke for Friday, TGIF!

Q: Why can you never trust a woman? A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and does not die?

[LupCheong]