A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)

[hipod76]

[hipod76]

[hipod76]

[Buaya]

The Pooh thing has, in my opinion, gone a little too far... I never liked children stuff being 'mis used'... *Sigh*...

[Riko]

Got Pooh meh? The only cartoon character I saw was Droopy Dog.

[LupCheong]

For Sat

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?'' The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sunday

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of there nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, 'I know just what you're wanting, for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.'

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, 'For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life.'

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. 'So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,' says the old man.

'Get serious', she replies. 'Four times in the rocking chair.'

[LupCheong]

[gpfun]

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see.

What could it hurt?" They let him in.

The man walks in, does a double take, and says, "Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday, hope you had a good weekend

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood. Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn.

Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked.

A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. ''This is a brothel'', replied the madam. ''Well, what's all this out on the lawn?'' queried the man. ''Oh, we're having a yard sale today.''

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Jokes for Tuesday

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks 'What's for breakfast?' She turns to him and says, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment'.

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex. Afterwards he says, 'What was that all about?' She says 'The egg timer's broken!'

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Jokes for Wed

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "It's my old aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thurs

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!'

[LupCheong]

Have you ever fall asleep during sex?

[LupCheong]

Joke for Fri, yay it's the weekend!

Andrea was sitting in the doctor's office when the doctor came in and said, "Andrea, this isn't a urine sample you brought in. It's apple juice."

"Oh my god" Andrea said, "I've got to get to a phone." "Why?" asked the doctor. "Because I packed the other bottle in my boyfriend, Steve's lunch box."

[LupCheong]

Natural Airbags

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat

A lady walks into her doctors office screaming. She yells, ''Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?'' The doctor asks, ''Well, how long does the hair grow?'' The lady replies, ''From here to my penis, but that's a different story!''

[LupCheong]

Jokes for Sun

The truck driver stopped to pick up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts. "Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

"It's Snow, Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "I'm June, June Hansen," she said.

"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker some miles down the road. "Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered with a question of his own, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"

[LupCheong]

Train Parking

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday, have a good week ahead

One day a first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, '...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said, 'I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'

[LupCheong]

[Guest Guest]

Have you ever fall asleep during sex?

mY BF ALWAYS DID WHILE I'M SCREWING HIM HALFWAY.

[azuchan]

mY BF ALWAYS DID WHILE I'M SCREWING HIM HALFWAY.

You must be so bad in bed... :whistle:

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tuesday

One cucumber was telling another ''my life is miserable, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone slices me up and puts me in a salad.''

The other cucumber said ''yeah well, my life is worse, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts me in a jar with vinegar and garlic and pickles me.''

A penis was listening to this conversation and chimes in, ''my life is worse than both of yours, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts a bag over my head and makes me do pushups 'til I puke.''

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Wed

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, 'Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!' 'I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket.'

'Oh really' she spat. 'then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour.'

[LupCheong]

Sex in the Office

[Guest Guest]

mY BF ALWAYS DID WHILE I'M SCREWING HIM HALFWAY.

You must be so bad in bed... :whistle:

No. I'm too good in bed. Maybe my bf is numbed from slutting that he dont feel anything even though mine dick is average size. So it is not big enough for him, i guessed. So much for all bfs that sluts.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thur

This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to say she is asking for it so whenever they get into bed on the wedding night she asks him ''So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?'' The man responds by raising his hand and outstretching his fingers. ''What? Five times?'' asks the eager girl. ''No'', he replied. ''Pick a finger''.

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Fri

A beautiful young woman went to the doctors for a rather unusual operation. She had to get green wax removed from her belly button.

While performing this rather ticklish operation the doctor asked 'how did this happen?' 'Simple', replied the beautiful young woman, 'My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight'.

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat, have a nice weekend!

There was this woman who wanted bigger boobs. So she prayed to God and prayed and prayed, and eventually she got an answer -- God told her that every time someone said ''pardon me'' to her, her boobs would get a little bit bigger.

So she was in the grocery store and someone bumped into her and said ''pardon me'' and her boobs got bigger. Then she was in the parking lot and someone hit her car and they said ''pardon me'' and her boobs got a little bigger.

That night this lady was in a restaurant, and a waiter tripped over her and spilled his food everywhere. He said ''Oh, excuse me! A thousand pardons.'' The next morning the headline in the newspaper was: ''Waiter killed by torpedos.''

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sun

A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. 'In most parts of the USA, we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring' the Yank said. 'Why, in Scotland, we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us.' said the Scot. 'Well, what do you do, paint your balls black?' asked the American. 'No,' said the Scot. 'We just put on an extra sweater or two.'

[LupCheong]

[Riko]

Donald Rumsfeld's dick is non-existent. Although I think he's kinda hot, with his squinty eyes and whatnot.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday, hope you had a good weekend. I know I did!

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet.

She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: ''I guess all those fxxking lessons I took this winter didn't help.''

One of the men immediately replies: ''No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.''

[LupCheong]

Dog p--no

[Guest From Bob]

Bob walked into a bar around 9:58 PM; sat down next to a blonde at the bar, and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

[Guest Guest]

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat As he settled

in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He

soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and

behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a

conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the

Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago" He swallowed hard. Here

was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was

going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure,

he calmly

asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk

some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really! " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American

men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American

Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers,

when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however,

found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern

redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and

blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with

you I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call

me Bubba."

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tues

We had my brothers and their families over this weekend. My wife cooked a nice dinner, we had eaten dessert and the kids were playing in the basement. Like most good parties the topic of discussion turned to homosexuality.

'It's only a matter of time before the cause of homosexuality is determined to be hormonal,' opined my oldest brother's wife. My youngest brother laughed, 'Yeah, too much sperm in their diets.'

[LupCheong]

It's my phone!

[Guest Butted animal]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a

shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up,

expecting to see

another Australian visitor.

The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya?'

The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada.'

The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada?'

The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'

The bartender says, 'A tixidermist? What the hick

is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'

'No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount

animals.'

The bartender grins and yells,he's okay boys. he's one

of us.'

[Guest Yellow24]

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The

doctor checks him over

and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have

Yellow 24, a really nasty

virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your

blood yellow and you

usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known

cure so just go

home

and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him

to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never

been there with her

before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he

gets four corners and

wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and

wins $320. Then he

gets the full house and wins $1000. The national grid

comes up and he wins

that too getting $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son,

I've been here 20

years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a

line, the full house

and the national grid on the same card. You must be

the luckiest man on

Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've

got Yellow 24."

"I'll be buggered," says the bingo caller. "You've won

the bloody raffle as

well."

[LupCheong]

Joke for Wed

Little Jonny asked his mother ''Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?'' ''Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?'' replied by his mother.

Little Jonny answered '' The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.''

[LupCheong]