A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thurs

A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him.

Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days.

On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And again.

Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says 'For Christ's sake, what do you want now?' The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises.

[LupCheong]

Marking the crime scene

[LupCheong]

Joke for Fri

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat

The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while a smartass customer was dawdling over the breakfast menu.

He tells the waitress, "I never return to a restaurant unless at least one of the sausages I'm served is a match in size to my own."

The waitress replied, "In that case, sir, perhaps you should take a look at the children's menu."

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sun

A young woman and young man were at the beach one moonlit night. They were lying there looking at the night sky in each other's arms.

The young man looked over and asked the young lady, "If you could be on any planet up there, just you and I, which one would you want it to be?"

The young woman lies there for a minute staring up and thinks and then replies, "I think it would be Venus, it sounds like a place of romance."

She then turns to him and asks him the same question. He lies there and with a sly smile replies, "Uranus."

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday, have a good week ahead

When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made.

For several days, the child went over this fascinating new material with her mother. ''So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy.''

''That's right, honey'' her mother said. ''But how does the sperm get there?'' she asked. ''Does Mommy swallow it?'' ''If Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does,'' came the reply.

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tues

The couple had split up a few months ago but still remained good friends, which worked out nicely since they lived in the same apartment building.

One day the man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex in the lift and she asked if there was anything she could do to help. He said, 'Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?'

She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw an erection begin to appear. 'Now isn't that sweet,' she cooed. 'Look, it still recognises me.'

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Jokes for Wed

Classroom Dialogue

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK : Because of the sign.

TEACHER : What sign?

FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD : A teacher.

[LupCheong]

Superheroes retirement home

[LupCheong]

These Inspiration Slides is also dedicated to a good friend of mine Asura

[LupCheong]

REMEMBER, EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS HAS A REASON BEHIND

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thurs

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number.

A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?"

The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

[LupCheong]

Double Standard

[LupCheong]

Jokes for Friday

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.

[LupCheong]

Cute Little Soldier

[LupCheong]

A Touching Story

ROSE

The first day of school our Professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.

I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, 'Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant Squeeze.

'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked.

She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids.'

'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

'I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!' she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate Milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went.

She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed, she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.'

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, 'We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!

There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability.

The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.! The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.'

She concluded her speech by courageously singing 'The Rose.'

She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

Lyrics of The Rose

Some say love it is a river

that drowns the tender reed

Some say love it is a razer

that leaves your soul to blead

Some say love it is a hunger

an endless aching need

I say love it is a flower

and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking

that never learns to dance

It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken

who cannot seem to give

and the soul afraid of dyingthat never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely

and the road has been too long

and you think that love is only

for the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winterfar beneath the bitter snows

lies the seed

that with the sun's love

in the spring

becomes the rose

Youtube Version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIBUaMe37B8

[Guest Gueest]

Erm lupcheong.. ur nick hor.. is ur real name.. or do u have a pet and dats its name? Cos I saw a dog named.. lup cheong haha...

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat

After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table. 'Thanks,' she said. 'But I only charge $20.' 'Twenty bucks for the entire night?' the amazed MP replied. 'You can't make a living on that.' 'Oh, don't worry,' the prostitute replied. 'I do a little blackmail on the side!'

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Jokes for Sun

A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy through unusual activities. 'Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount of pleasure,' said the professor.

'For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as making love.' A student replied, 'Professor, either you don't know how to screw, or I don't know how to shit.'

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday, have a fruitful week ahead!

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in.

Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! ''Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?'' yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

''Don't you want to get pregnant?'' asked the doctor. ''Well, yes, I do,'' answered the woman. ''Then lie back and spread 'em,'' replied the doctor. ''We're all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap.''

[LupCheong]

Anti-virus control

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tuesday

Tina, the Hollywood agent, was so upset by her inability to find work for a singer that she began to sob right in front of her. Her client tried to console her. ''Don't cry for me Agent Tina.''

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Wed

Two whales were swimming around in the ocean, when a ship appeared. The male suggested to the female that they have some fun and tip the ship over with their blow holes.

She was hesitant at first, but finally went along with it. Then, he said,' since that was so much fun, let's go back and eat the sailors!' To which, she exclaimed, 'I went along with you on the blow-job! But, no! You're not going to get me to eat sea-men, too.'

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thurs

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[LupCheong]

What a suitable costume! So cute!

[LupCheong]

Joke for Fri

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. 'What do you mean?' he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, 'You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs.' Still unsure but willing, he agreed.

As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart. 'What the hell was that?!! he asked. 'OOPS! I'm sorry! Let's try again', she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened.

He immediately got up and started getting dressed. 'Where are you going?' she asked. The man replied, 'If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!'

[LupCheong]

Losing a Friend

[LupCheong]

Did you ever wonder what happened to the kid from Mad Magazine when he grew

up?

[LupCheong]

joke for sat

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache. "I've got a perfect cure for a headache," said his buddy Trevor.

"Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trevor. "Yeah," said Phil, "Worked great! I had no idea how nice your house was, too!"

[LupCheong]

You know you are old when....

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sun

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, 'Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.' To which the blonde replies, 'How do you give Shoulders?'

[LupCheong]

Where's Robin?

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday, have a good Monday

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, ''Please send me a sister.'' Santa Clause wrote him back, ''Ok, send me your mother.''

[LupCheong]

Fly me to the moon

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tues

A high-wire artist was preparing for his first high-altitude walk without any type of safety gear or net. Another man was receiving a blowjob from a much older woman of 89. They were both thinking the exact same thing... DON'T LOOK DOWN!

[LupCheong]

[LupCheong]

Joke for Wed

Three couples went to Lake Tahoe for a weekend but didn't have reservations. They were amazed to find only two rooms left in the whole area. Each room had one bed.

They took the rooms & decided to have the three women share one bed & the three men share the other. In the middle of the night, 1 man got up to leave.

Another man asked him, "What are you doing?" The first man answered, "I'm going to see my wife." The second man asked, "What do you mean you're going to see your wife?" The first man said, "I'm going to see my wife. I've got the biggest erection I've ever had."

The second man said, "Well, then, take me with you." The first man said, "Why should I take you with me?" The second man answered, "Because you're holding MY dick."

[LupCheong]

Gonna Fail the drug test

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thurs

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend.

What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, except for her heart condition. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

[LupCheong]

Joke for Friday, it's the karaoke day tonight! Have you registered?

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

[LupCheong]

A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.

Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland , and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny.

Look how much faster the bird walks on his way out