Jump to content
Pulse  Clinic

A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)


LupCheong
 Share

Recommended Posts

5 minutes ago, Nightingale said:

A man went to confession and told the priest: “I have a steady girlfriend but last week, I went to her house and there was nobody at home except her sister.  We were all alone and we ended up having sex.”  

“That’s bad, my son,” said the priest, “but at least you can see that you have made a mistake.”

 

The man continued: “Then later that day, I went to my girlfriend’s office to look for her, but nobody was around except one of her colleagues.  So I had sex with her too.”

“That’s very bad, my son.”

 

The man went on.  “Then yesterday, I went to my girlfriend’s uncle’s house to look for her, but nobody was home except her aunt.  So I had sex with her too.”

 

The priest made no reply.

“Father? … Father?” 

Realising that the priest wasn’t there, the man searched for him and found him hiding behind a wall.  “What are you doing, Father?”

“I suddenly realised you and I are the only ones around ….”

Then he rips off the priest's clothes and has sex with him too... 🤣

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Melon
On 6/14/2021 at 8:43 PM, Dart said:

 

In addition to your cute joke:

 

Why did another melon got hibernated in the freezer? It wanted to be a winter-melon.

 

 

Why did another of another melon listens to ŕock song. It wanted to be a rock melon. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Melon
On 6/14/2021 at 8:43 PM, Dart said:

 

In addition to your cute joke:

 

Why did another melon got hibernated in the freezer? It wanted to be a winter-melon.

 

 

Why did the melon wears a mask?

It wanted to be a musk melon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Melon
On 6/14/2021 at 8:43 PM, Dart said:

 

In addition to your cute joke:

 

Why did another melon got hibernated in the freezer? It wanted to be a winter-melon.

 

 

What did the hami melon say and do when he met winter-melon with runny nose in the freezer? 

 

He passed him a tissue and said hami-su?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Mouse
On 6/23/2021 at 3:31 PM, Zealouslogue said:

Which U.S state has the smallest soft drinks?  Minnesota (as in mini soda) 

What is the smallest mouse in the world. Minnie Mouse. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • G_M changed the title to A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)
  • G_M unlocked this topic
  • 1 month later...
On 8/29/2021 at 11:29 AM, passinthenight said:

How much does it cost for  a pirate to get both of his ears pierced?

 

A buccaneer 🤪 a buck an ear.

HAHAHAHA. Good one. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...
Guest Nightwhore
On 9/11/2021 at 11:57 PM, Guest Guest said:

How can a joke a day be keeping the bitches away, when it is the bitch who is here doing the posting of lame jokes everyday?

 

LOL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

I nearly became a Doctor . 

When I was young in the late 1980's, I decided I wanted to a be doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. 

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. 

Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

A father with two sons (let's say in The Philippines) decided the time had come for his elder teenage son to experience sex with a woman for the first time. On an adjacent street there was a brothel.

 

"Son, it's time you learned the facts of life. Take this 500 pesos, go visit the brothel, give it to the mamasan and then have a good time."

 

When the son came back, his father asked how it was. "It was really great. I really want more."

 

The only problem was the younger son now wanted the same experience. He begged and begged his father until he finally gave way. With his 500 pesos, the boy skipped along the street toward the brothel. His grandmother who lived nearby saw him and asked why he was so happy. "Well, my Dad just gave me 500 Pesos to have sex with a woman for the first time."

 

"500 Pesos, eh? That's a lot of money."

 

An hour later his father asked him how he got on. "Oh it was great," said his son. "Half way to the brothel I met my grandmother and she said I could save half the money if I gave her half and had sex with her instead."

 

"W-H-A-T?"  said his father. "You had sex with my mother?"

 

"What's the big deal," said his son. "I don't complain when you have sex with my mother so why should you complain when I have sex with your mother?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that,.. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again." 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."^_^

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice." :)

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In World War 1 there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on. 

The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”

Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.”

The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!” ^_^

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each man’s freshly poured pint.

The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out.

The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out you little bastard.”:lol:

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. 

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but  you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." :)

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...
counter