A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)

[fuzzy]

Actually it is an advert for Mastercard during the christmas season. It is rather funny. Moral of the story, do not install an intercom at the front door of the house.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thursday 1 Feb 2007, it's already a new month!

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Friday 2 Feb 2007, yay! Weekend is cuming!

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

[erection day]

Thought the joke in today's New Paper pretty funny

An old man was arrested for shoplifting.

In court, the judge asked the old man 'what did you steal?'

He replied 'I stole a can of peaches'

The judge then asked him how many peaches were in the can. He said there were six.

'I will give you six days in jail then' said the judge.

Then the man's wife stood up and asked the judge if she could say something.

'What is it?' asked the judge.

The wife said 'He also stole a can of peas.'

[LupCheong]

Share with you a funny chinese SMS I received today, apologies to those who can't read chinese

你对“信生活”满意吗？

以转发或收取sms消磨时间的可称为有“信生活”。

因此，靠sms交往的叫“信交”。

互相分享sms笑话的叫“信伴侣”。

只收不发叫“信冷感”。

发错对象是“信骚扰”。

发不出去是“信功能障碍”。

看着sms傻笑的，基本上已达到了“信高潮”。

当然你如果连sms都不会操作就铁定是“信无能”。哈哈哈

[LupCheong]

Joke for the weekend

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder.

Standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over." The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbor, Jones.

"Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie. "I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday 5 Feb. Hope my jokes would chase away your Monday blues

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.

After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

Mary... Mary....

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

What is it like?

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all

afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, I'm a rabbit in the forest.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tuesday 6 Feb 2007

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know

anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the

prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the

prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but

the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him

a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently

born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

OKAY!

[Buaya]

3 in a row only mah... Dun have to shout...

Some guys claim at least 7 times a night wor...

Thanks, LupCheong!...

[LupCheong]

Joke for Wed 7 Feb 2007 - Mid week liow

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him and asked: "What are you in here for, buddy?"

The dog looked depressed, "I'm in big trouble", he said, "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep."

"I know how you feel", said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself... I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you here for?" they asked.

"Well," said the third dog, "my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!"

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep, too, huh?"

"No," said the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thursay

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy gorilla or a girl gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy", says the man.

"Oh yeah, I can do it, I'll be right there". An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, Chihuahua, shotgun and a pair of hand cuffs.

He then gives the man some instructions. "Now, I am going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls down. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's balls. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on".

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies..."If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog!"

[Guest Heaven&Earth]

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt,

leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may

know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines

Pilot from Dallas."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot,

"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out,

"I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the

last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list.

He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff

and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot

and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only

cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here - - we go by results," says Saint Peter,

"when you preached -people slept; when he flew -people prayed."

[worldangel]

"Up here - - we go by results," says Saint Peter,

"when you preached -people slept; when he flew -people prayed."

Oh yeah, that was a good one :clap: :thumb:

That is in reality till now that many passangers still do their pray (either quietly or openly) once they settled down in their seats.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Friday TGIF!

One day johnny's teacher asks the class, "Which part of the human body goes to heaven first?" Suzi said, "Well, it's our hands. We do all the good things with our hand, so they are bound to go to heaven first." Teacher says, "very good. Anybody else?" Rocky says, "Well, it's our heart. We think all the good things with our heart, so it's bound to go to heaven first." Teacher says, "very good. Do you want to say something, Johnny?" Johnny says, "Our legs go to heaven first." Teacher, not getting any clue says, "How comes it, Johnny?" Johnny says, "Yesterday night, I was passing through my parent's room. & there was my mom, legs high in the air- screaming 'Oh God! I am cumming'"

[Guest Guest]

NP's joke today.

One night, a wife found her husband standing over her baby's crib.

Silently, she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement...

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions aroused, she slipped her arm around her husband, her eyes glistening.

'A penny for your thoughts' she said.

'It's amazing' he replied. 'I just cant see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50'.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat, enjoy your weekend

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sunday

Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.

One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.."

The other man says "fxxk off, you're jokin aren't u?"

The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..

The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth"

The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.

The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a cunt when you're drunk superman"

[Guest Guest]

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand

[Guest samud]

On a sunny day some where in a golf course, a priest was playing a round of golf with a very unrudely lawyer. It had been not a good day for the lawyer for his shot has been going everywhere except where he wanted. So for every miss shot, he would utter out all sort of fowl languages :swear: which offended the priest.

So the priest patiently told him to stop using those language, but after a few more hole the lawyer started screaming at the top of his voice :swear: The priest look up toward the sky and prayed aloud.. " Oh lord please show give us a sign to show him that it is not right to utter such language .

From out of no where a lightning bolt shot out of the sky and struck the priest where he stand. The lawyer was dumb stuck when he hear a booming voice out of the sky :swear: Damn Miss again!

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday to chase away the Monday Blues

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

[Guest Guest]

A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, "what's the problem officer?" To which the policeman responded, "I stopped you for running that red light behind you." Just then the man's wife leaned forward from the driver's seat and said with a very loud voice, "I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going."

The man then turned to his wife and yelled "Shut up stupid!" The policeman continued, "And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30." His wife then leaned forward again and squawked "I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me."

And again the man shouted at his wife "Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!"

The policeman then looked at the woman and said "does he always talk to you this way?"

To which the woman responed, "Only when he has been drinking."

[LupCheong]

Joke for Tuesday and congrats to our RSM Gachi

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did,it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

[Guest Guest]

A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it’s a pet .

She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?”

He repies , “In the bedroom.”

“But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks.

“fxxk it , I got used to you , he will too ! !”

[LupCheong]

Joke for Wed, Happy Valentines Day ;P

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, 'I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 35, ' was the reply. 'I'm actually 47, ' the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.

He replied, 'Oh, you look about 29.' 'I am actually 47!' she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, 'I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.

But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age. 'There was no one around, so the woman said, 'What the hell?' and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, 'OK, You are 47.'Stunned, the woman said, 'That was brilliant! How did you do that?' The old man replied, 'I was behind you in line at McDonalds.'

[Guest fm am]

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.

Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[LupCheong]

Joke for Thurs

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

[Guest Guest]

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-

the-

rapist.

[LupCheong]

Joke for Friday 16 Feb

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat, Lunar New Year Eve liow

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.

In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"

The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"

Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"

[LupCheong]

Joke for Chinese New Year, Gong Xi Fa Cai Everyone!

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

[LupCheong]

Advance Joke for 2nd Day of CNY as I will be away for the holidays

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

[LupCheong]

Advance Joke for 3rd day of CNY

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

[LupCheong]

Advance Joke for 4th Day of CNY

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

[Guest Guest]

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and

asked the statues, “You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?”

The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”

Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’LL crap on it’s head!”

[Buaya]

Hahahahaha!!!... The shit in town hall joke is SOooooo funny!!! Hahahaha... Thanks!!!

[Guest SportForev]

A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it's late and that he has to get home.

He says to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies. When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home." The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"

[nicefatboy]

Lup Cheong should be back tomorrow, He only left us advance jokes for the first 4 days of new year.

YEAH! Welcome home. We all miss you Lup Cheong, It just isnt the same without you.

[LupCheong]

Lup Cheong should be back tomorrow, He only left us advance jokes for the first 4 days of new year.

YEAH! Welcome home. We all miss you Lup Cheong, It just isnt the same without you.

I'm back! Thank you nicefatboy, it feels good to be appreciated Gong Xi Fa Cai everyone! 祝all PLU 永远青春漂亮，人见人爱

Now back to business

Joke for Thursday 22 Feb 2007

Just a reminder........

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[nicefatboy]

good one

[ikano]

Love it, it sounded so sincere and heart warming.

[Guest Guest]

Subject: Chinese Names

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan (someone) and I need to talk to Annie Wan! It is urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone, but what is this urgent matter about?

Caller: @#$... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! What is your name?

Operator: I am Saw Lee (sorry)!

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!

[LupCheong]

Bonus joke for those who missed me while I was away :oops:

Oxford Dictionary - Singaporean Edition

1) LILY - adverb.extremely, really.

Eg. "Wah, you lily can sing well ah!"

2) VALLEY - adverb.extremely (same with lily)

Eg. "Look! My Versachee belt, valley nice hor?"

3) GORGES - adj. stunningly beautiful, normally found with valley.

Eg. "Wah! Ah Beng's girlflan is valley gorges leh!"

4) CORAL - verb. to bicker.

Eg. "Why, you not happy, ah? Want to coral, is it?"

5) REEF - (normally found with coral) to argue with.

Eg. "You lily wantto coral reef me ah?"

6) ALTITUDE - adjective.a disagreeable demeanour.

Eg. "AH Lian lily got a bad altitude ploblem".

7) CIRRUS - adj. certain.

Eg. "You cirrus or not? Dun bruff!"

8) CANOPY - phrase.impossible.

Eg. "He bought new handphone? Canopy lah! Where got money?"

9) OLDLADY - adj. completed.

Eg. "Wah...you finish oldlady ah."

10) SUIT - verb. to project forward.

Eg. "Suit! Suit! See goalkeeper come out oldlady."

11) SOW - verb. to reveal.

Eg. "Sow me, sow me your new ting."

12) LOAD - noun. a path normally made up of gravel & tar.

Eg. "We go Orchard Load leh."

13) BLINK - verb. deliver, send.

Eg. What you blink for me? Sow me, sow me."

The End

Hope you all enjoyed it

[LupCheong]

Joke for Friday 23 Feb 2007 TGIF!

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "Thats quite a heavy drink. Whats the problem?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

Wow," says the barkeep., "What did you do about it?"

"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."

"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep., "And, what about your best friend?"

"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sat 24 Feb 2007

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpses anus and licked it. Now you must do the same, he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

Second, the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this mans anus, but licked my index finger?

[LupCheong]

Joke for Sunday

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause were going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[Guest Oranges to Bai Nian]

A fruit trader was seen busy stocking up 4 CNY 2weeks b4 thelunar new yr

One Aunty the very kaypoh wan ask the uncle trader..

where got people go 'bai nian' with 'chiam"(oranges) wan.. ?

guess wat the uncle trader answered her ?

usually hunky guys will buyboth tbhe mandarin and the oranges to bai nian

Y ?

aiya aunty

U oso need to buy oranges from me wor,...

puzzled, she again ask Y ?

aunty ah ? cum new yr i go to your house time

i give u kum... then u hv to give mi chiam lah

WHAT u guys bring to bai nian ?

[exec_fetish]

A fruit trader was seen busy stocking up 4 CNY 2weeks b4 thelunar new yr

One Aunty the very kaypoh wan ask the uncle trader..

where got people go 'bai nian' with 'chiam"(oranges) wan.. ?

guess wat the uncle trader answered her ?

usually hunky guys will buyboth tbhe mandarin and the oranges to bai nian

Y ?

aiya aunty

U oso need to buy oranges from me wor,...

puzzled, she again ask Y ?

aunty ah ? cum new yr i go to your house time

i give u kum... then u hv to give mi chiam lah

WHAT u guys bring to bai nian ?

My hokkien not very good.. don't understand leh

[LupCheong]

[exec_fetish]

aunty ah ? cum new yr i go to your house time

i give u kum..

"kum" in hokkien means oranges, which also means to suck, so he is saying cum new year I go to your house to let you suck me.

then u hv to give mi chiam lah

"chiam" in hokkien means mandarin oranges and I think in hokkien means to poke,

so u have to let me poke/fcuk you.

Correct me if I am wrong

[LupCheong]

Joke for Monday 26 Feb 2007

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike, the cop said, did Santa bring it to you?

Yep, the little boy said, he sure did!

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you? Yes, He sure did, said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.