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A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)


LupCheong
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Bonus joke to chase away the Monday blues :D

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If Im going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.

She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this. :D

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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life ,she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground."Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed tograsp for air and screamed " What did you do that for ?"

Tarzan replied, " check for squirrel"

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Joke for Tuesday 27 Feb 2007 :D

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. My son, says one, has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.

The third mans son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates. :D

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Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love

12. Ahhh! Yoda’s little friend you seek!

11. Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.

10. Feel the force!

9. Foreplay, cuddling. A Jedi craves not these things.

8. Down here I am. Find a ladder I must!

7. Do me or do me not, there is no try.

6. Early must I rise. Leave now you must!

5. You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz’s hand

up my ass.

4. Happens to every guy sometimes this does.

3. When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?

2. Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!

1. Who’s your Jedi Master? Who’s your Jedi Master?

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Oops, was too tired last night after my bowling, forgot to post my jokes for Wed :D

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and cant help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"Whats it telling you now?"

"Well, it says youre not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast." :D

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Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there!

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Joke for Thursday 1 March 2007. It's March liow! How time flies! :o

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer Get out of my bar" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?" :D

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Please take the content of this joke light heartedly - not meant to demean any religion :)

A Letter From GrandMa

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

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Joke for Friday 2 March 2007. Woot! Friday liow! :D

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side. The layyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 999, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the auto repair shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I cant believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Dont you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Wheres my Rolex!" :D

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Joke for Sat ;)

Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women dont talk about their age. Youll learn this as you get older.

Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?" Her mother responded again, "Thats another thing women dont talk about. Youll learn this too, as you grow up."

Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I dont want to talk about it now."

The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friends house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mothers conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mothers drivers license. Its just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, Youre 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.

The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex." :D

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Joke for Sunday ;)

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: Whats that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Doesnt matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted :D

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Joke for Monday 5 March 2007 ;)

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: Sir, did you call for me? Bob replies: No, what do you mean? She says: You must be new here; let me explain. Its a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me. Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: Sir, did you call for me? Bob replies: No, what do you mean? The Huge Man: You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me. The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: May I help you? Bob says: Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee. Receptionist: But Sir, youve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

Bob replies: Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day :D

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Joke for Tuesday 6 March 2007 ;)

So a plane is crashing into the sea and all the passengers are preparing for the crash.

An indian woman begins to put all the scarves she has on, when asked why she replies because the rescue planes always look for bright colors, ill be seen for sure

A chinese woman begins to put on all her jewelry when asked why she replies the rescue planes always look for shiny objects, ill be seen for sure.

All of a sudden a black woman begins to take off all her clothes when asked why she replies honey, cuz everytime theres a crash the first thing they look for is that black box. :D

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A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, “Sorry, heaven’s crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t get in.”

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: “What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” the teacher replied, “the Titanic.” So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. “How many people died on that ship?” St. Peter asked. “Oooh, that’s tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500.” St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.

He simply said to him: “Name them.”

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i guess this has been circulated since the dawn of internet time, nevertheless still funny

English around the world

In a Bangkok temple:

"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A

MAN."

Cocktail lounge , Norway:

"LADIES ARE RE QUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctor's office, Rome:

"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:

"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS."

In a Nairobi restaurant:

"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On a poster in Kenya:

"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

On an Athi River high way (this is the main road to Mombasa) leaving

Nairobi .

"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

In a City restaurant :

"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

A notice seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:

"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery:

"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN

GRAVES."

A Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN

BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar:

"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia :

"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE

CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan :

"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox

monastery:

"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET

COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE

OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ON

UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:

"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAININ G GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS

PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

"GUARANTEED TO W ORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:

"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laund ry in Rome:

"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD

TIME."

:thumb: When I Think It, I Do It, I Win It! :thumb:

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A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, “Sorry, heaven’s crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t get in.”

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: “What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” the teacher replied, “the Titanic.” So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. “How many people died on that ship?” St. Peter asked. “Oooh, that’s tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500.” St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.

He simply said to him: “Name them.”

Guest, thanks for posting. I think I posted this joke before liow. :D

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Joke for Wednesday 7 March, please do not take the following insulting joke horoscope seriously, just laugh it off :D

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fxxking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfxxkers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fxxking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

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Joke for Thursday 8 March 2007

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if its like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

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Joke for Friday 9 March 2007 ;)

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday. :D

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Joke for Sat

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, When you die, Im getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.

Yeah she replies, When you die, Im getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last. :D

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jokes for Sunday

Signs your boyfriend is having an affair by computer:

1. Lately he sits at the computer naked.

2. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

4. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

5. He's gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.

6. He makes sarcastic remarks about your 'software'.

7. Sticky stuff on the mouse.

8. During sex he screams 'A-colon backslash enter insert!'

9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

10.The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's behind. :D

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A Few IT jokes for you this Monday 12 march 2007 since the crazy IT fair at Suntec is over :D

Before Computer was invented -

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flue!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Computer Terms

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, 'Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.'

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. :D

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A Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. “What are those knives doing in your car?” asked the officer.

“I juggle them in my act.”

“Oh yeah?” says the cop. “Let’s see you do it.” So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”

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Joke for Tuesday ;)

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds. :D

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Joke for Wed ;)

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming." :D

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I am posting some advance jokes for Thursday 14 March to Saturday 17 March as I will be busy. Enjoy :lol:

Joke for Thursday 14 March 2007

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'? :D

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Joke for Friday ;)

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist" The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy. you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist.. How did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy ... I didn't feel a thing!" :D

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Joke for Saturday 17 March 2007 ;)

A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation.

Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out

"Have you seen my hamster?" :D

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Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

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Joke for Sunday, I am back! ;)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?

The husband replied, All I wanted to do was to fxxk your brains out, and suck your tits dry.

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, What are you thinking now?

He replied, It looks as if I did a pretty good job. :D

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Guest Another Joke Tat's 2 Do Wth

One day, at a fruit stall, the fruit seller noticed an old lady selecting oranges/apples by pressing it... With the fear of rotting fruits, the fruit seller yell at the aunty.

"Aunty, mai bong ngo kam lan, A !"(in cantonese ) - it means aunty, spoil my fruits by pressing it!

Being a hockkien, she had a rude shock of her life(kam lan in hockkien means suck one's dick ).....And left everything there, hurried away, most probably embarassed by the laughing crowd

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aunty ah ? cum new yr i go to your house time

i give u kum..

"kum" in hokkien means oranges, which also means to suck, so he is saying cum new year I go to your house to let you suck me.

then u hv to give mi chiam lah

"chiam" in hokkien means mandarin oranges and I think in hokkien also means to poke,

so u have to let me poke/fcuk you.

Correct me if I am wrong :D

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One day, at a fruit stall, the fruit seller noticed an old lady selecting oranges/apples by pressing it... With the fear of rotting fruits, the fruit seller yell at the aunty.

"Aunty, mai bong ngo kam lan, A !"(in cantonese ) - it means aunty, spoil my fruits by pressing it!

Being a hockkien, she had a rude shock of her life(kam lan in hockkien means suck one's dick ).....And left everything there, hurried away, most probably embarassed by the laughing crowd

Hahaha :lol: that is the power of language, so many languages and dialects in this whole world and some words could mean 'anything vulger' to other :lol:

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke for Monday 19 March 2007 ;)

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!) :D

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on that last joke, you dont have to look far.

during my time, there was a big ho ha over a unversity coop shop, appearantly there was this notice on the ice cream counter that warned ple that since ice cream melts, so should purchase last.

someone wrote into the forum and a debate on the undergrad's common sense occuried

:thumb: When I Think It, I Do It, I Win It! :thumb:

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A guy goes to see the doctor, because he’s been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it’s 25 inches long. Can’t get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you’ll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.

"Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.

Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Guy looks down, sure enough, he’s 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks—let’s try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Twitch—the guy’s down to 15 inches. Well that’s still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look—how many times do I have to tell you? No.

No. NO!"

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Some Blonde Jokes for Tuesday ;)

A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of the field. She drove over to her and said,

"It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!" :D

There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies, "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding".

The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!"

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATOES!" :D

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Jokes for Wednesday, it's mid week liow! ;)

Q: Why has the Indian Football Team never won the World Cup?

A: Because every time they get a corner, they set up a "mama" stall. :D

Application for SIA Girl

Interviewer: Name me 3 cars starting with the letter "L".

Applicant 1: "LANCER"

Interviewer: Good, next

Applicant 1: um.... "LEXUS"

Interviewer: Good, last one

Applicant 1, thinking for a while, says "LOLLS LOYCE"

Interviewer: Name me 3 fruits starting with the letter "A".

Applicant 2: "APPLE"Interviewer: Good, next

Applicant 2: um.... "APRICOT"

Interviewer: Good, last one

Applicant 2, thinking for a while, says "ANG MOR TAN"

Interviewer: Name me a watch starting with the letter "L".

Applicant 3: "LOLEX!" :D

Q: Why does superman flies with two hands forward now instead of the one hand forward like last time?

A: Cos last time is use manual transmission, one hand need to change gear, now use auto transmission no need to change gear already. :D

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Bonus Joke for a friend Peter who is horny, alone and posted overseas ;)

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing

nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle

and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared,

jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing

nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed

the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my

droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with

nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found

it actually gave him enough strength to reach the

lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after

eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly

perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly

spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull shit might get you to

the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was

so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a

large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by

and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,

he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was

actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm

and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to

investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered

the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug

him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your

friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep

your mouth shut! :D

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Jokes for Thursday ;)

Two hikers were walking through the woods when they suddenly confronted a giant bear. Immediately one of the men took off his boots, pulled out a pair of track shoes and began putting them on.

"What are you doing?" cried his companion. "We can't outrun that bear, even with jogging shoes."

"Who cares about the bear?" the first hiker replied. "All I have to worry about is outrunning you." :D

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Joke for Friday, Yay! :lol:

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs Harris marched into Dr Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!" :D

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