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A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)


LupCheong
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Joke for Sat ;)

A red indian boy ran from the reservation to the white doctor and said: "Big Chief - No shit", and the doctor gave some pills.

Next day the doctor sees the boy again and he says "Big Chief - no shit"!

Doctor gives pills enough for a horse, but still next day the same" Big Chief - no shit"

The fifth day boy comes again and doctor is astonished: "Big shit - no chief" :D

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An additional middle east joke for my deprived friend in middle east :lol:

While vacationing in Europe, an oil sheik and his wife decided to send presents to their friends back home. They sauntered into an art gallery where they picked out a Van Gogh, A Rembrandt and a Picasso.

"That will be 10.6 million American dollars," said the dealer.

The sheik paid in cash, then turned to his wife. "We've got the cards, now let's get the presents." :D

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Joke for Sat ;)

A red indian boy ran from the reservation to the white doctor and said: "Big Chief - No shit", and the doctor gave some pills.

Next day the doctor sees the boy again and he says "Big Chief - no shit"!

Doctor gives pills enough for a horse, but still next day the same" Big Chief - no shit"

The fifth day boy comes again and doctor is astonished: "Big shit - no chief" :D

don't quite get this one... :oops:

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Joke for Sat  ;)

A red indian boy ran from the reservation to the white doctor and said: "Big Chief - No shit", and the doctor gave some pills.

Next day the doctor sees the boy again and he says "Big Chief - no shit"!

Doctor gives pills enough for a horse, but still next day the same" Big Chief - no shit"

The fifth day boy comes again and doctor is astonished: "Big shit - no chief"  :D

don't quite get this one... :oops:

exec_fetish

If you read carefully, all the while the red indian boy keeps saying his Chief is having constipation by saying "Big Chief - No Shit", so the doctor prescribed some medicine for the boy to bring back to his chief until the doctor gave a higher dosage for a horse that after the fifth day, the boy came back and said: "Big shit - No Chief" instead of "Big Chief - No shit", so that means his indian big chief has died after taking too much medicine. Get it? :D

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Thank you Mr Long Lup Cheong for sharing these jokes with us to make us happy and stress free.

May you bowl your way to happiness and strike gold all the way.

Thank you Mr. ikano, btw how you know I bowl ah? May I wish you happy happy and stressfree always :D

A few short jokes for you -

When you are lonely, what do you think of?

The Answer is "Soft Drink", becos 当你孤单你会想 "qi shui" :D:D:D

Why is Superman's shirt so tight fitting?

Cos his shirt is small size de, got one "S" in front. :D:D:D

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Joke for Sunday, a bit long so please bear with me ;)

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drink then stands up and announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window.

Now there are two men who are sitting at a window table and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death. However just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building.

Naturally the two man are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process.

The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that.

He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again.

Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.

Meanwhile the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real asshole when you're drunk!" :D

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Joke for Sat  ;)

A red indian boy ran from the reservation to the white doctor and said: "Big Chief - No shit", and the doctor gave some pills.

Next day the doctor sees the boy again and he says "Big Chief - no shit"!

Doctor gives pills enough for a horse, but still next day the same" Big Chief - no shit"

The fifth day boy comes again and doctor is astonished: "Big shit - no chief"  :D

don't quite get this one... :oops:

exec_fetish

If you read carefully, all the while the red indian boy keeps saying his Chief is having constipation by saying "Big Chief - No Shit", so the doctor prescribed some medicine for the boy to bring back to his chief until the doctor gave a higher dosage for a horse that after the fifth day, the boy came back and said: "Big shit - No Chief" instead of "Big Chief - No shit", so that means his indian big chief has died after taking too much medicine. Get it? :D

oh now i get it.. haha.. sorry i didn't read too deeply into it :D

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Joke for Monday 26 March 2007

John was a farm hand at his father's farm and has just reached puberty. One day, he had his first hard-on was was very proud. He ran and told his father. "Dad! Dad! Look at me!" John shouted and pointed to his hard-on.

"Oh! That's nothing." His father said. "The next time it happens, take 2 handful of cow dung, put over it and it will be OK"

The next day, John has another hard-on. This time he remembered what his father told him. He went to the barn and took 2 handfuls of cow dung. Just then, a beautiful, blossom milkmaid walked in.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed. "Oh!" John said, "I'm just trying to cure my hard-on."

"No you silly," she giggled and lifted up her skirt and pointed to her pussy. "Put it in here!"

And John did. All 2 handfuls of it. :D

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Bonus joke to chase away the Monday Blues :)

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard." :D

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Guest mysuperrabbit
When you are lonely, what do you think of?

The Answer is "Soft Drink", becos 当你孤单你会想 "qi shui"  :D   :D   :D

just got attached to this wonderful teacher...

Won his heart by telling him this joke..

we r 4hours' drive away..

i think he gotta think more of me, when the question pops up.. dang ni gu dan, ni hui xiang qi shui.. ??

or

when u cums a-X softdrinks

:D

thanks Lup Cheong

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Guest Guest
Wah not bad sia, 恭喜恭喜 :lol:

One more joke for you,

Why is fish cunning?

Becos 鱼骗米粉 (鱼片米粉) :D

So next time when he eat that, he will also think of you :D

thx LC... not funny pun !

:P

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Guest Another Old Joke... Languages &a

today i'd like to take a change.. no more fruit trader...

The Setting, In a New Village during the insurgancy

One day an Ang-mo walked in2 a grocery shop where an amah was manning..

Using sign Language, He ordered 3 sticks of cigarrette & a box of matches...

He took out his wallet, the Amah being a hakka yell out, See Kok(40cents)..

the customer being a nice man tought tat Amah wanted to see his cock, pulled out his tool...

Shocked, Amah blurted out mou Mou (dowan in cantonese), may be she thought he'd understand it..

Thinking that Amah was asking 4 more, He proceeded to poke her..

So shiok getting a nice ang-mo to poke her.. she did nothing to stop him..

As his big hard tool was entering her, she cried out "Sakit"in pain, thinking he might understand Malay..

to him, it's Suck it : he Pulled it out n put it into her mouth..

:D

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Joke for Tuesday ;)

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.

The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.

At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets." :D

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Guest Engineer

This is for a gorgeous guy who currently being exiled to Middle East. Hopefully, this joke will give him the extra boost to strengthen up his upcoming colleague, and to return home safely. :D

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look at the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

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Joke for Wed ;)

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball." :D

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If you read carefully, all the while the red indian boy keeps saying his Chief is having constipation by saying "Big Chief - No Shit", so the doctor prescribed some medicine for the boy to bring back to his chief until the doctor gave a higher dosage for a horse that after the fifth day, the boy came back and said: "Big shit - No Chief" instead of "Big Chief - No shit", so that means his indian big chief has died after taking too much medicine. Get it? :D

I thought the joke was that finally, after the dosage, the chief shat so much shit that he drown in his own shit and all the boy saw as big pile of shit, and can't find the chief...

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Joke for Thursday ;)

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and fxxks him in the ass.

The cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and fxxks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!" :D

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Joke for Friday, sorry a bit long but then it's Friday liow! yay! :lol:

Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!"

The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."

The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.

They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!

Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week." :D

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Joke for Sat, it's quite a gross gay joke, so be warned and no offence to anyone hor :D

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." :D

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Joke for Sunday ;) Happy April's Fool Day!

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..." :D

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Joke for Monday 2 April 2007 ;)

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" :D

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Joke for Tuesday ;)

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can

I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor

said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he

then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,

have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married

and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here

for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's

office." :D

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Joke for Wed 4 April 2007 ;)

A guy walked into a bar one day and noticed a jar full of money on the counter. He asked the bartender what it was for and the bartender replied that if he could go into the back and make the donkey laugh, he could have that jar of money.

So the guy walks in the back and a few minutes he comes out with the donkey laughing his head off. He gets his money and walks out.

The next day the same guy went to the same bar and noticed another jar of money sittin on the counter. The bartender, when asked, said that if he could go in the back and make the donkey cry, he could have that jar of money.

So the guy goes in the back and about 5 minutes later comes out with the donkey crying huge tears.

As the guy was about to leave, the bartender stopped him and asked him how he made the donkey laugh and cry.

The guy replied: The first time I told him I had a bigger dick then he did, and the second time I proved it. :D

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Joke for Thursday, yay! It's the eve of Good Friday Holiday! :lol:

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh." :D

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Guest Engineer

*This is for a friend in Middle East - where are you?!?!??! why abandon us?!?! :( *

A man was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk when he came upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeded to walk into the water and bumped into the preacher. The preacher turned around and though almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, asked the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answered "Yes, I am". So the preacher grabbed the drunk and dunked him in the water. Then he pulled him up and asked him, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replied, "No. I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunked him into the water again, for a little longer this time. Then again, he pulled him out and asked, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answered, "No. I haven't found Jesus."

By this time, the preacher was at his wits end. He emerged the drunk once more, and held him down for about 30 seconds until he began kicking his legs and arms flinging, where upon he pulled him up again. The preacher again asked the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wiped his eyes and caught his breath and finally said to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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Joke for Good Friday Holiday 6 April 2007, have you been a good boy? :D

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup! :D

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Joke for Sat ;)

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I was out of vacation time. I figured the best way to get the boss to send me home was to act a little crazy --- he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she's blonde ... it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker (the blonde) started following me, and the boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said. :D

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Joke for Sunday :lol:

英文其实并不难。。。

爸爸叫“罚的”

妈妈叫“骂的”

兄弟叫“爆的”

姐妹叫“撕的”

还有

鬼叫做“狗屎”

老鼠叫“猫屎”

果汁叫“猪屎”

还有还有!

脸叫做“肥死”

乳酪叫“气死”

自己叫“笑死”

跳舞叫“电死”

请叫“霹雳死”

怎样?我的英文很“悲里哭死”对吧?哈哈 :D

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Joke for Thursday, yay! It's the eve of Good Friday Holiday! :lol:

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh." :D

I had to read this twice to get it... but it was quite hilarious. Hahahaha...

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Joke for Monday 9 April 2007 ;)

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring...... :D

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Read this joke in today's Newpaper and thought it's really hilarious.

A woman, calling a hospital, said, 'Hello, I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or is getting worse.'

The voice on the other end of the line said, 'What is the patient's name and room number?'

She said, 'Sara Brown, in room 302.'

'Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh yes, Mrs Brown is doing very well. In fact she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine and her blood work just came back as normal. If she continues this improvment Dr Smith is going to send her home on Tuesday.'

The woman said, ' Thank goodness! That's wonderful news!'

The nurse said, 'From your enthusiasm. I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend.'

'Not exactly. I am Sara Brown in room 302! And nobody here tells me anything!'

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A man calls his wife on a Friday evening.

Man: Honey, could you please pack some clothes and my fishing equipment and rod? The boss and a few other guys are going fishing for the weekend at his weekend cabin by the lake.

Wife: Oh ok dear... the entire weekend?

Man: Yeah, I'll probably be back on Sunday evening. Oh one more thing, could you please pack my blue silk pyjamas as well?

The wife sense something not going right, but she does as he instruct.

On Sunday, the man comes back from his trip.

Wife: Hi baby, how was the trip? Did you guys catch alot?

Man: Oh hell yes we did... Trout, Salmon, Bluegill... One more thing... Why didn't you pack my blue pyjamas as I asked you to?

Wife: I did! It's in your fishing tacklebox...

;)

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Er.. I don't understand de last joke... abt de patient 1.. wats so funny abt it?? :huh:

Ah Guest,

let me explain it to you.

The Patient Sara Brown in room 302 decided to call the hospital herself and ask about HER own condition as the nurses and doctors there doesn't tell her how is her condition mah :D

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Joke for Tuesday 10 April 2007, hope the Monday blues didn't get to you ;)

TOP 15 THINGS TO SAY IF YOU ARE CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"Amen" :D

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Guest Engineer

[For a friend who has just got home :D ]

Be Strong Honey

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

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Joke for Wed 11 April 2007 ;)

There were 5 people on a plane... a priest, the

smartest guy in the world, the dumbest guy in the

world, a little boy, and the pilot.

The plane all of a sudden was going down and

everyone started to panic. Why ...because there

were only 4 parachutes left.

The pilot says, "Good Luck!" grabs one and jumps out.

The smartest guy says, "People need me."..and out he went.

Now there are only 2 left and 3 people on board.

The dumbest guy says, "I just need to go." so he

grabs one and jumps out.

The priest looks at the little boy and says, "Son i lived a long and happy life , so you go ahead and take the last parachute."

The little boy turns and says, "Father we both can go......the smart guy took my backpack.....hahahahaha! :D

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Joke for Thur ;)

A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it.

They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex.

Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing." :D

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Guest love machine

New Paper's joke today,

SPOTTED in the toilet of a London office: Toilet out of order. Please use the floor below.

IN a laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

IN an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday bring it back, or further steps will be taken.

OUTSIDE a 2ndhand shop: We exchange everything- bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

SPOTTED in a safari park: Elephants stay in your car

SEEN during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesnt know it, there is a day care centre on the 1st floor

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Joke for Fri :lol: TGIF!

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."

The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

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Joke for Sat 14 April, how was Friday the 13th for you? :D Anyway this joke a bit long but hey, it's the weekend after all! :lol:

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!" :D

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