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A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)


LupCheong
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Joke for Wed 11 April 2007 ;)

There were 5 people on a plane... "Father we both can go......the smart guy took my backpack.....hahahahaha! :D

A different version of this joke.

There were four people on an airplane, the pilot, President George Bush, a Catholic priest and a young boy.

The plane all of a sudden was going down and everyone started to panic. Why ...because there were only 3 parachutes onboard.

The pilot says, "Good Luck!" grabs one and jumps out.

Two parachutes are left.

Being a deeply religious man, President said to the priest, "Fuxk the little boy, grab the chutes and jump."

The priest's eyes light up and he replied, "But do we have time?" :D

Please play safely! Use a condom if you are having anal sex.

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Joke for Sunday :lol:

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" :D

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Another joke on 'Technology'

An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" asks the Finn. The American replies

"This is the latest Motorola technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" ask the other guys. The Finn replies

"This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!

"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.

"I'm getting a fax." says the Swede.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Penis on the Gay Beach

There was a man who really took good care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror - yes, he was a bit vain - and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So, he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old gay men were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon encountering the penis sticking up over the sand, he began to move it around with his cane, remarking to the other old man, "There's no justice in the world."

The other old man asked what he meant.

The man with the cane replied,

"When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat to suck it.

:lol:

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Guest Guest_MYsuperRABBIT

Mushrooming In The Palace

Once, In a palace lived 7 princess..

They had 3 families of servants living in the compound of the palace..

-> Family A with 2 late teenage boys, familyB with a son in his mid20s... and family C the garden with 2 daughters

Usually on sunny spring evenings, Those 7 princesses roam freely in the garden, plucking flowers & catching butterfliers/dragonflies...

One day, One of A's son, Jerry, stripped himself naked and buried himself in the garden, exposing only his hard-on..

One of the princesses, who was very naive tought it was a strange looking mushroom in the garden and tried to pull it out to no avail.. The motion caused the guy to ejaculate.... She was shocked to hell and ran away..

That night the guy told his brother and B's son that he had free(unpaid) sex and told them the secret..... Meanwhile, the princess told the gardener about the 'strange mushroom that sprays water, to the gardener..

the next day, those itch boys, tempted by the story of Jerry, wanted to try thier luck and did the same thing as wat jerry done..As it was verry a cool evening, those boys went and buried themselves b4 anyone could see them.

Not long after, they heard footsteps moving toward them...

IT was the gardener pushing a lawnmover ! :D:D

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Joke for Monday, 16 April.. ;)

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up." :D

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At the Gay Sex Shop

One day the owner of a sex shop goes out for a while, leaving the shop to his salesman. Soon a gay man goes into the sex shop.

He asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

The Salesman answers, "$35."

He: "How much for the black one?"

The salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

He: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."

He pays him, and off he goes.

A little bit later a black gay man comes in and asks, "How much for the black dildo?"

The Salesman: "$35."

He: "How much for the white one?"

The salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

He: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."

He pays him, and off he goes.

About an hour later a young gay hunk comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

The Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

He: "Hmmmmm... how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

The salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165."

He thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before..."

He pays him, and off he goes.

Finally, the salesman’s boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos flask for $165!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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haha... so funny. So WA, now you also provide jokes ah?  :thumb:

Hahaha ... just a limited collection of gay & other jokes lah :rolleyes:

----

The Perfect Penis

Several Secondary School boys overheard some Junior College boys talking about a penis. The Sec 1 asked each other, "What's a penis?" None of them knew.

Finally one boy said, "I'll ask my Dad, he knows everything."

That evening the boy asked his Dad, "What's a penis?"

The father replied, "Well, if you're old enough to ask; I guess you're old enough to know too." Dad dropped his pants and said, "That's a penis! As a matter of fact, that's a perfect penis!"

The next day the boy told his classmates, "I found out what a penis is, come on, I'll show you."

The others followed him to the toilet and watched him drop his pants. The boy, exposing himself to his classmates, said, "That's a penis! As a matter of fact, if it was two inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke for Tuesday 17 April 2007, have you filed your income tax yet? Last day of e-filing is this Wednesday hor... ;)

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that fxxking wall!" :D

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Deathbed

Andrew was dying. His long-time & live-in gay boyfriend, Matthew, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. He held his fragile hand, tears running down his face. His praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My dear Matthew," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Matthew," he said in his tired voice. "I... I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Matthew. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, My dear Matthew. I... I’ve slept with your brother, your best first cousin, your ex-boyfriend, and finally your Father!"

"I know," Matthew whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Deathbed

Andrew was dying. His long-time & live-in gay boyfriend, Matthew, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. He held his fragile hand, tears running down his face. His praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My dear Matthew," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Matthew," he said in his tired voice. "I... I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Matthew. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, My dear Matthew. I... I’ve slept with your brother, your best first cousin, your ex-boyfriend, and finally your Father!"

"I know," Matthew whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

Hmmm story plot sounds familiar????? Tot it was a wife who poison the husband for sleeping with best fren, sister, etc. or something like that..... <_<:D

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Hmmm story plot sounds familiar????? Tot it was a wife who poison the husband for sleeping with best fren, sister, etc. or something like that..... <_<:D

Oh that one is the gay version as not so many gay jokes lah :unsure:

---------

Dildo

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

She says, "Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!"

The husband says, "Okay, I'll explain, but first you have to explain the kids."

Lifeguard's Secret

This young gay man went to the gay beach in search of hunks, and after strolling around for some time, he wasn't even getting a glance from any of them. He began to feel kind of discouraged, and he noticed that they were flirting with the lifeguard.

He walked up to the lifeguard and asked him how he was able to attract so many hunks. The lifeguard said that the secret was to put a potato inside of his trunks.

So the next morning the young gay man put a potato in his trunks and went back to the beach. This time the girls were giving him disgusted looks and were turning away from him.

He went back to the lifeguard and asked why it didn't work. The lifeguard said, "Try it again tomorrow and this time, put the potato in front".

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Ashes to Ashes

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Aiyoh, you all want gay jokes is it..ok lor...from today onwards I will post gay jokes :D

Three guys go to see a witch doctor about their problems.

One has a smoking problem, one is an alcholic and one is gay but wants to change.

The docter puts a curse on them that if any of them indulge their habits again they will die.

Two days later the alcholic dies because he gave in and had to drink.

The next day the gay guy and the smoker are walking down the street together. The smoker sees a cigarette lying and the ground and stops to stare at ir.

The gay guy looked at him and said "if you bend over and pick that up we are both fxxked" :D

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Aiyoh, you all want gay jokes is it..ok lor...from today onwards I will post gay jokes  :D

LC, suggest you put your hilarious jokes in folder 'Be Happy' and those gay jokes in this folder :thumb:

-----------

Joke: Cork in the Ass

Two gays are in a locker room when one gay notices the other gay has a cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other gay says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp.

There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Aladdin, the Arab Genie. I can grant you one wish.' And I said, 'No shit!'"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke for Wednesday :lol:

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child." :D

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Joke: Room 6969

A hunk is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the reception clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a gay man beside him and as he does, his muscular palm goes into his buttock.

They are both quite startled.

The hunk turns to him and says, "Sir, I am sorry, if your heart is as soft as your buttock, I know you'll forgive me."

He replies, "Handsome, if your penis is as hard as your palm, I'm in room 6969."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Conversation on a Bus

A bus stops and two gay Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I coma one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorts the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," says the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spella "Mississippi."

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Joke: Sperm Count

A 75-year old gay man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my long-time boy friend for help. He tried with his right hand, but nothing. Then his left, but nothing. He even tried with his mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the gay hunk next door, and he tried with both hands and his mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked, "You asked your gay neighbour?"

The old gay man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

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Joke: Sperm Count

A 75-year old gay man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my long-time boy friend for help. He tried with his right hand, but nothing. Then his left, but nothing. He even tried with his mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the gay hunk next door, and he tried with both hands and his mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked, "You asked your gay neighbour?"

The old gay man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

haha Mr. Clementi, this shows that you never read my jokes, this joke is the same one I posted on 6 April 2007, only difference is that it is a gay man :D

Anyway, joke for Thursday 18 April 2007

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!" :D

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Joke for Friday 20 April 2007, yay it's Friday liow! :lol:

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs." :D

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Joke: Gay Couple in Heaven

There were these two friends, one who was gay, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them.

St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her.

The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time."

St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven.

Now it was the second man's turn.

St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her.

The man replied, "Actually I'm gay, but here's a picture of my lover, and I never cheated on him."

St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven.

After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your lover on a skateboard."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: An Angmoh arrived in KL

One day, an Angmoh from USA arrived in KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the Customs, he felt that he wanted to go to the toilet, so he looked for a toilet.

When he found the toilet, there was an old Chinese Amah sitting in front of the toilet. When he was about to enter the toilet, the old lady stopped him and said forty cents in Cantonese (Say Kok), the Angmoh just wonder why in Malaysia, they have to "see the cock" (forty cents in Cantonese) before entering the toilet.

So he said "No", but the old lady insisted. Since he got no choice, he took out his cock and showed to her. The old lady said "no, no, no, Duit, Duit" (money in Malay) but the Angmoh misunderstood again because he thought she said "DO IT, DO IT."

So, he asked "NOW, HERE?"

The old lady just reply "YES, YES" because she does not understand English.

The Angmoh thought she agreed to have sex with him, so he strip up the old lady and make love to her, but the old lady was screaming and said "SAKIT, SAKIT" (pain in Malay) and again he thought is "suck it, suck it" so he said "OK, I will suck it for you" and take the breast and sucked.

The old lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, My God!... in Malay).

The Angmoh misunderstood again. "Too HARD, OK sweet heart, I will be gentle a bit, OK?" the Angmoh replied.

Suddenly the Security Officer passed by, and the old lady asked for help, "TOLONG, TOLONG, ENCIK." (Help, Help...in Malay).

But on the other hand, the Angmoh replied "Not too long, just about 6 inches only."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Traditional Chinese Medicine

A rich man often went to Bangkok for the night life and before long he contracted sexual disease. So one day, he went to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor examines his cock and said, "This is a very severe case. We have no other way but to cut it away. Otherwise, it will spread and become worse."

The businessman was shocked. The last thing he wanted was to have it cut and end his night life. He went to other doctors but all gave the same diagnosis.

Desperate he thought, "Why don't I consult Traditional Chinese Medicine. They might have some surprises"

So, the TCM Doctor gave him an examination and the Sinseh said," We don't have to cut. I'll prescribe you herbs to rub."

The rich man was so happy. "Wow no operation, you are better than Western Medicine. I'm amazed. So, what is the exact secret?"

The Sinseh said, "Just wait for three days. It will drop by itself."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke for Sat

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fxxking beautiful!'" :D

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Guest chinese123

有 一 个7 3 8 2 的 人 掉 下 3。

他 平 日 7 人 太 甚,

大 家 以 为 他 9 4 1 3 ,会 在 3 下 2 4 。

但 他 4 7 未 到 , 费 了 9 6 2 5 之 力 ,

终 于 8 了 3 来 。

这 样 的 华 语 , 看 的 懂 吗 ?

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Guest da nite

有 一 个欺善怕恶 的 人 掉 下 山。

他 平 日 欺 人 太 甚,

大 家 以 为 他 九 死 一 生 ,会 在 山 下 饿 死。

但 他 死 期 未 到 , 费 了 九 牛 二 虎 之 力 ,

终 于 爬 了 上 来 。 :smokin:

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Guest zhong nian

人 渐 老 的 五 大 特 征 :

越 看 越 远 , 越 尿 越 近

坐 着 打 瞌 睡 , 躺 下 睡 不 着

往 事 忘 不 掉 , 新 事 记 不 住

上 面 有 想 法 , 下 面 没 办 法

更 糟 的 是

从 前 硬 着 等 , 现 在 等 着 硬

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Joke: Condom Colour

A just-married Chinese couple decided to make love on the wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy condom from the shop nearby.

When the husband left, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sell condom and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asked the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality does he want. "The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each." So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.

While the husband was out, a black Indian thief cum rapist came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabs the thief and happily screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she felt asleep immediately.

When the husband reaches the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jump onto his wife and started making love. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she enjoyed the session.

A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grows up, he asked the father "Pa, why am I black and you are white????"

The father shouted "You are damn lucky already, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE".

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke for Sunday ;)

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not.

A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.

She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." The flight attendant replied, "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!" :D

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Guest Guest
"you don't know how many Asian women we have to kill to get one pound of breast!"

http://bw2.9.forumer.com/index.php?showforum=4

My friend, I don't know where you are getting your jokes but they are getting racist and in this case violent.

If you only posted one racist joke, then it is probably an oversight. But a whole series and now this "killing of Asian women?" It is starting to show a pattern.

Watch it mate. Take this as a gentle reminder.

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"you don't know how many Asian women we have to kill to get one pound of breast!"

http://bw2.9.forumer.com/index.php?showforum=4

My friend, I don't know where you are getting your jokes but they are getting racist and in this case violent.

If you only posted one racist joke, then it is probably an oversight. But a whole series and now this "killing of Asian women?" It is starting to show a pattern.

Watch it mate. Take this as a gentle reminder.

Hey 'mate', I feel so sorry for you because you seem like someone who can't enjoy the humour of a situation.

Jokes were never meant to hurt anyone, because they poke fun at things in general. They only turn harmful if it was pointed directly at someone. Unless of course, it's President Bush or something... because he IS a joke.

LupCheong, do keep the jokes coming because they are simply hee-lair-ree-us. I rarely laugh at jokes online, but the ones you post are amazingly funny.

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Thread on 'jokes' meant for fun reading, smile and laughing, it doesn't mean anything ............ just love to read and smile :lol: There are many dirty jokes on golfing too, it means nothing so serious and just for fun.

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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Joke for Monday 23 April 2007, are you ready for a new work week? Not ready nevermind, just laugh your Monday blues away reading my jokes ;)

A man goes to a doctor and says " What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!" The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. "That's funny!" He says " your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had thin long dicks?" The man says " Yeah but he fingered me first!" :D

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Joke for Tuesday ;)

Two wrestlers an American and a Russian were the finialists in the World Championship event.

They were preparing to meet each other in the final round and the American coach was giving instructions to his star wrestler.

The coach was saying, "Beware of the Russian and his famous hold the pretzel. No one has ever got out of that hold!."

The match begins and the wrestlers cirlcle for an advantage. The Russian finally gets an advantage on the American and in moments he is in the dreaded pretzel hold.

The spectators start to get up to leave, even the coach throws his arms in the air and proceeds to leave.

Suddenly there is a blood curdling scream and the Russian goes flying across the canvas, and the American wrestler feebly crawls over and pins him for the title.

Later the American coach asked, "How did you get out of that hold?"

The wrestler responds, "Well I knew I was dead meat when he got me in that hold. I opened my eyes and through the blur I could see these big pink testicles.

So I stretched my neck with all my might and I bit down on those babies just as hard as I could.

It's amazing how much strength you can come up with when you bite your own balls!" :D

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Guest Guest
Hey 'mate', I feel so sorry for you because you seem like someone who can't enjoy the humour of a situation.

Wait till one of your female relatives get slaughtered or murdered then you see how funny the situation is lor.

Thread on 'jokes' meant for fun reading, smile and laughing, it doesn't mean anything ............ just love to read and smile  There are many dirty jokes on golfing too, it means nothing so serious and just for fun.

Of course jokes are meant for fun but sometime a line must be drawn. Jokes about Cho Seung-Hui, the mass murderer at Virginia Tech are emerging and if you google the the phrase, you will see many jokes websites are banning them. Why?

My reminder to WorldAngel is just to be a little more sensitive to issues that might hurt other people. There are probably millions of jokes out there waiting to be retold. Jokes about killing people should not be retold here.

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My reminder to WorldAngel is just to be a little more sensitive to issues that might hurt other people. There are probably millions of jokes out there waiting to be retold. Jokes about killing people should not be retold here.

I don't read any of us writing jokes on Virginia incident. BW moderator has written in thread to take this incident seriously.

For those interested, you might read the entire jokes from this collection called "Asian Jokes & Humor" which I believe originated from US which some of them are nasty.

http://www.asianjoke.com/index.html

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Wait till one of your female relatives get slaughtered or murdered then you see how funny the situation is lor.

Well, judging from your 'quote', you never really read my entire reply did you?

I did mention 'in general', unless you know not what that means.

I agree that there is a fine line between comedy and hurtful humour. LupCheong and WorldAngel's jokes are all in general. There were never any real names (most of them are just random, so as to not confuse the readers with Man #1 or Man #2) nor identities (except for the Bush jokes, which I still say that shouldn't be minded, because he IS a joke).

This is the reason why comedy is not big in Singapore. Everyone except Kumar and Hossan are too afraid that the audience might get offended, because, let's face it, people who can really apprieciate comedy in Singapore are minimal.

I don't even know why I'm arguing.

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The point I am making is it is not funny to laugh at graphic violence - even though it is expressed by words.

Let me give you an example. Would you laugh if you see someone, even your enemy being actually tortured and killed? No? Then how do you explain this?

Speaking for myself, what was shown is way not funny. If I were there, I would sincerely say I would have done my best to stop it. Those people smiling and showing the thumbs up signs are not human.

No doubt the images are extreme. But I am not certain some of us here, if placed under the same roles as the perpetrators in the links would'nt be grinning too.

All of us live by our values and principles. If we laugh at hurtful violent jokes, what does it says about the values we live by?

Would we laugh at the following joke targetted at PLUs?

AIDS mean "anally injected death sentence."

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Dear guest,

What had trigger you on a mass quoting of unjust and ill-treated case? For one I know, if I am not comfortable with what I am reading, I would just don't read it. Here are the people, trying to get by the stress of being a part of a stressful society and also being a PLU, trying to relax and chase away blues. But you are making everyone who read these jokes, a sinner.

Why? Have you suffer unjustly? If that is so, this is not the place to voice out your concerns and unhappiness. By far, I stronglt believe that WE are a minority in SG. If you really feel hurt by reading these, don't read, choose what goes into your view diligently. These kind people are just here to bring a relieve of stress. Yes, you can tell me there are many ways of relieving stress. But, as the title deplicts, this is a joke column. A right-minded individual who come in, knows that jokes can really be mean. But that does not mean, we read it and do it as it says, that will make us idiots.

by far, the jokes do contain culture information of how other people look at other people. We read it, laugh at it and remind ourself that WE (Singaporeans?) should not be doing it or treating other minorities badly.

End of the day, its just for laugh, after that, forget it.

May who ever you believe in bless you.

It's just me.... Asura... don't fear, but be very afraid....

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Guest jokes lover
All of us live by our values and principles. If we laugh at hurtful violent jokes, what does it says about the values we live by?

Would we laugh at the following joke targetted at PLUs?

AIDS mean "anally injected death sentence."

Quoting what you have written 'all of us live by values and principles', it's immoral by asian values in our asian society to be gays and subsequently it's immoral for you to enter this gay forum, read and give comment in particular jokes.

It's good that LC has started this thread since Dec 2006 and so far many contributors had given good and laughing jokes for relaxation after the good hard work. Please continue this particular thread on jokes and hope to see more to come :thumb:

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Jokes for Wed, some ah Beng Jokes again. :lol:

QUESTION : How do you know frogs are Hokkien?

ANSWER : Because when it's cold, they go "kwah,kwah,kwah".

QUESTION : How do Hokkien prawns laugh?

ANSWER : Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)

QUESTION : How do Hokkien fish laugh?

ANSWER : Hee hee hee (hokkien for fish)

QUESTION : What's the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy Tales?

ANSWER : Ang-mor fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." and Hokkien fairy tales begin with "Lim Peh ka li kong..."

Ah Beng was asked to make some sentences using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Not only he did it from 1 to 10, but he did it again from 10 back to 1. This was what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I went into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and tried to stab at him. 10 God he ran away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1. :D

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Joke: Ladies Toilet

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men’s toilet is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men’s toilet door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies toilet, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men made in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately ‘warm water’ sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of ‘warm air’ quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large ‘powder puff’ which delicately applied a soft talc to his ass. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies toilet on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Let me try a joke... :P

Superman was feeling bored one day and decide to fly around looking for people to help instead of just waiting to hear something. So, he flew off and was cruising the city when he thought he heard Wonder Woman. He flew closer to where she stays and he saw Wonder Woman totally naked sun tanning on the building rooftop and she seems to be in a horny state. She was carrassing herself in the sun, working up a sweat and she seems to be very wet down there too.

Superman was really horny seeing her this way and thinks to himself: 'Hmm, since I am Superman, I can fly down, fxxk her, cum and fly off so lightning quick, she probably will not know what happened except that she felt some real pleasure.'

So, he decided to carry out his plan, swoop down on Wonder Woman, fxxked, cummed and flew off lightning quick satisfied.

Mean while, Wonder Woman thought she heard something and felt a quick gush of wind. 'What was that?', she asked out loud.

'I dunno! But my ass suddenly hurts like fxxk!' Came a reply. It was Invisible Man... :P

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Joke for Thursday 25 April 2007

Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly, which promptly dropped dead in two pieces.

"That's nothing," said Master Koh. Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly.

Master Foo was highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered. "That fly is still flying."

"Ah yes," replied Master Koh, "but now it can never have children." :D

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Joke for Friday, TGIF! ;)

Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre. Ah Seng noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of Health pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh, the 'A', 'B', 'C' 'D' stand for what ah?"

Ah Beng snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also donno! 'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand for 'Alamak'!" :D

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