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A Joke A Day, Keeps The Bitches Away (compiled)


LupCheong
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Jokes: “Doc, I've Got a Problem”

A man visits his doctor.

"I think I have a problem, Doc," said the patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."

The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?"

"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back.

"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too."

Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go.

Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to die?", asked the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."

"What?"

"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"

So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......" :)

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke for Sat ;)

When you join a company, you... KAM LAN

When someone tries to boss around, he's a... SIA LAN

When there's favoritism in your company, you... TU LAN

When your hard work was not appreciated, you... LAN LAN

When all your hard work has gone into the drain, it's.. LUM PAH PAH LAN

That chee hong working in your company, he's a... LAU LAN

When you can't be bothered, you... BOH HEW LAN

When you don't understand the other party, you ask... KONG SI MI LAN?

That guy who tries to be funny with you, he's a... KWAI LAN

When you've got angry customers... ORH LAN

The company which you work in... NEOW CHEE NEOW LAN

When you've decided to quit, you wonder... CHO SI MI LAN

And you're out of ta job & don't know what to do, you... CHO BOH LAN

When you strike a lottery but are then investigated by the IRAS because of it, it's really... KIO TIO GU LAN

That woman who signed on as an Army regular... MULAN!

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I kinda got the joke but don't really see it as funny leh. It was a good try though.

Don't stop putting up jokes, but please...

Stop apologising if you're going to offend anyone. I don't understand why people keep reading even when it offends them midway. Just stop and get out of the thread. Simple!

Then somemore can reply to messages in that same thread... as if like die die want to get their point across. See how singlish I can sound? Haha... CANNOT CANNOT...

Must maintain an air of sophistication.

Sophisticate lanciao lah.

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Joke: A New Penis?

A man is in a horrible accident that is so bad that he loses his 'manhood'... He goes to a doctor.

"Erm..." the doc says,"I can give you a new penis, a small is $8,000, a medium is $11,000, and a large is $14,000."

"I'll take a large!" the man says.

"You should really consult with your wife first." the doc says.

The man goes home and the next day he comes back in. The doc says "Hello, have you made a decision?"

"No, my wife would rather remodel the kitchen." :rolleyes:

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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woah.. LC, you are cutting it dangerously close here.

Aiyah, I got those ah mat jokes together from some website, didn't intend to target any race lah. Relax. :lol:

Anyway, here's a joke for 1 May 2007, it' a bit long so please bear with me ;)

Mrs. Johnson, Mrs. Brown, and Mrs. Wright are discussing their sons. Mrs Johnson says, "Now my Edmund, what a man! A world famous lawyer, he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills, a summer home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife, and everything a man could want in the world. "

Mrs. Brown says, "That's nice. Let me tell you about my son Jonathan. He is a doctor, a world-famous researcher. He travels across the world on conferences, talks, lectures. He was nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine. What a man!"

Mrs. Wright says, "My Daniel, he's an engineer. Now, he makes maybe $35,000 a year, and he's not famous. But his Pee Pee is so long, you can line up ten pigeons in a row on it."

The ladies sip their tea for a while. Then, Mrs. Johnson says, "Actually, I got a confession to make. Edmund's an up-and-coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn't have a mansion or a summer home. He's a bright young man with a good future."

Mrs. Brown says: "Well, I got a confession too. Jonathan is a good doctor, and he got his share of scholarships, but a Nobel prizewinner, he isn't."

They all look expectantly at Mrs. Wright."Well, all right, I'll tell the truth too. The last bird gotta stand on one leg." :D

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Joke for Wed

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." :D:D

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Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?

A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days

and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?

A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology.

When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?

A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day

as I have advised?

A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters

the girl's skirt.

Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!

A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan

removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?

A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

Q: Secret of long life

A: Morning two eggs, evening two pegs... and night two legs.

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Joke for Thursday, long joke hor..sorry :lol:

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man

can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." :D

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2. No racist and anti-religious comments

Racist and anti-religious comments about a particular religion is forbidden.  We live in a multi-racial and multi-cultural society and we aspire to respect BWers of any races or religions.  Racist or offensive religious comments will be removed immediately  to protect the sensitivities of our readers.

Please refer to the above posting guidelines.

LC, I know you did not create the jokes yourself and I thank you for the diligence in posting jokes daily for our enjoyment.

However, some jokes posted could be deemed racist from certain racial community in our country.

You know as well as me how sensitive the government in Singapore are to such things. Racist comments are often disguised as joke. Happen all the time but although it is a joke, if you are from the race that is the butt of the joke, you will not find it funny.

Please continue to contribute but I am removing the posts that may incur the unnecessary attention of the authorities here. Basically, it mean please do not post jokes that might offend any of the races in Singapore. Thank you for understanding.

World Angel and others, please take note too. Thank you.

Please play safely! Use a condom if you are having anal sex.

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Sob Sob, kena scolded liow :( Anyway those ah mat jokes was from talkingcock.com, a Singapore website which actually made fun of the Singapore gahmen :D

Back to some jokes ;)

Top 10 things that sounds dirty at the Office but Aren't

10. I need you to whip it out by 5!

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Put this in my box before I leave.

7. If I have to lick one more I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk now!!

5. Hmmm.....I think it's out of fluid.

4. My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair....I do all the work while he just sits back!! :D

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World Angel and others, please take note too. Thank you.

Noted it, Moderator !

----

Joke: Suck Sausage

Two guys, Brian and Dave, fancied a drink or two but didn’t have much money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars.

Brian said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Dave said "Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!"

Brian replied, "Don’t worry - just follow me."

They went into the nearest bar where Brian immediately ordered two beers and two whiskies.

Dave said "Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!"

Brian replied, with a smile. "Don’t worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Brian said, "OK, I’ll stick the sausage in my pants. You go on your knees, pull it through my zipper and put it in your mouth."

As Dave did this, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued the same scam, bar after bar, getting drunker and drunker, and all for free.

At the tenth bar Dave said "Brian - I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me! I’m losing the plot"

Brian said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third bar."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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LC, WA, thanks for your understanding. It is appreciated.

You guys know that in Singapore, we live in a non-perfect world. I like to watch films banned in Singapore, chew gum, laugh at politically incorrect jokes etc. but I do so quietly and in private.

But I am also a mod for this public gay forum that is available for viewing for anyone in Singapore. Being gay itself is a controversial subject in Singapore, we really do not need more attention.

Believe me when I say being a mod in BW is not an easy task. As a non-profit (read zero money) forum, all the mods and admins manage and run this place at our own spare time, trying to balance readers' and posters' yearnings for greater "press" freedom and at the same time, the government's tight control on issues regarding race and religion - bearing in mind of course we are still a gay forum discussing things like where to publicly exhibit yourself *groan* and military fetishes. :D

We know and we can tell we are constantly being monitored. Blowing Wind, the man who started this place, warned us as much when we joined as mods and admin almost two years ago. All of us are still here because we care not so much about the forum itself, but the welfare of all the readers here. It is like we are giving back a little to the community we live with.

Lets us all be a little more aware of the environment we live in. Things are slowly becoming better for us here. In time to come, if we are allowed a gay pride parade, trust me, we will raise enough money to have a Blowing Wind float. Just imagine that - a colourful float fill with middle-age and chubby men led by Top-Chinese, Gachi and OralB. :lol:

Sob Sob, kena scolded liow

Now, this is a joke. :lol: Sayang sayang, don't cry lah....uncle loves you lah..... :lol:

Please play safely! Use a condom if you are having anal sex.

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LC, WA, thanks for your understanding. It is appreciated.

You guys know that in Singapore, we live in a non-perfect world. I like to watch films banned in Singapore, chew gum, laugh at politically incorrect jokes etc. but I do so quietly and in private.

But I am also a mod for this public gay forum that is available for viewing for anyone in Singapore. Being gay itself is a controversial subject in Singapore, we really do not need more attention.

Believe me when I say being a mod in BW is not an easy task. As a non-profit (read zero money) forum, all the mods and admins manage and run this place at our own spare time, trying to balance readers' and posters' yearnings for greater "press" freedom and at the same time, the government's tight control on issues regarding race and religion - bearing in mind of course we are still a gay forum discussing things like where to publicly exhibit yourself *groan* and military fetishes. :D

We know and we can tell we are constantly being monitored. Blowing Wind, the man who started this place, warned us as much when we joined as mods and admin almost two years ago. All of us are still here because we care not so much about the forum itself, but the welfare of all the readers here. It is like we are giving back a little to the community we live with.

Lets us all be a little more aware of the environment we live in. Things are slowly becoming better for us here. In time to come, if we are allowed a gay pride parade, trust me, we will raise enough money to have a Blowing Wind float. Just imagine that - a colourful float fill with middle-age and chubby men led by Top-Chinese, Gachi and OralB. :lol:

Sob Sob, kena scolded liow

Now, this is a joke. :lol: Sayang sayang, don't cry lah....uncle loves you lah..... :lol:

Lungker, u take LC's body.. let me sayang his sausage

:)

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Guest Engineer
For all the guys who appreciate Lup Cheong's daily jokes, remember to cast your vote to support "A Joke a Day, Keeps the Bitches Away" as the Best Thread in the BlowingWind Awards.

Cast your votes at BW Awards 2007 Poll

Tsk Tsk Tsk :D :clap: :thumb: :whistle: :unsure::blink:

Hehe, you're a publicist? :D

Anyway, LupCheong's consistency and hard work need to be recognised. I am sure he has good and well intention when he started this thread. Well done, LupCheong! :clap: :clap:

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Guest Guest_bichublvr

when a chinese meet speilberg

A taiwanese was in a spunky and fashionable bar in LA. He bump into his favourite director of all time , Steven Speilberg.

Before he has a chance to ask for autograph, he was slap in the face by Speilberg.

Surprised, he ask Steven Speilberg: What 's that all about?

Steven Spielberg replied: " That for bombing Pearl Harbour"

Taiwanese: " Hey that's not me, its the Japanese, im Taiwanese"

Steven Spielberg reply" Taiwanese, Chinese or japanese, you all the same to me".

The taiwanese then punched Steven speilberg in the stomach.

Steven spielberg" What's that for?"

Taiwanese " that for sinking the the titanic. My great grandfather was on it"

Steven spielberg " Hey that was the Iceberg which sank the Titanic"

Taiwanese : " Well, Iceberg, Carlberg or Spielberg, they all the same to me"

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Thanks Lungker uncle for the love, feel so warmth..hehe :D

Anyway joke for Friday is here! Enjoy! :lol:

Interoffice Memo

SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL

EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

:D:D:D

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Joke for Sat

A koala bear was approached by a prostitute. Since he had never been with one before, he was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel, and he went down on her one last time before departing.

As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled, "Hey! What about my money?"

The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look, and shrugged his shoulders. She said, "Come here," and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word "prostitute" and its definition: "has sex and gets paid"

Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word "koala", and showed her: "eats bush and leaves" :D

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Joke for Sunday ;)

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their clothes.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their clothes, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?",calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?" :D

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Joke for Monday, please DO NOT vote for me, thanks! ;)

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen a lift] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother." :D

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Joke for Tuesday 8 May 2007 ;)

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. :D

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Joke for Wed ;)

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add

emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the

Following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from

This demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate ...

...you won't have worms!" :D

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For Thursday 10 May 2007

Some Ingenious amd Humourous Pick-up lines that you can use :D

1) He: I'm a really good cook!

She: What do you cook best?

He: Breakfast in bed! (grins)

2) Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?

3) I saw your picture in the dictionary today...next to the word 'gorgeous'.

4) Nice dress/pants, can I talk you out of it?

5) The best part of me is covered up. (If wearing swim trunks)

6) There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

7) Are those fxxk-me eyes, or fxxk-you eyes?

8) Do I know you from somewhere? Or is it just that you have your clothes on?

9) Excuse me, but don't you recognize me with clothes on?

10) Mmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible".

11) She: I really enjoyed myself tonight.

He: I enjoyed myself too. Maybe sometime we can let our bodies enjoy each other.

12) Do you know what would look absolutely terrific on you? Me.

13) Excuse me. Do you wanna fxxk or should I apologize?

14) Say, didn't we go to different schools together?

15) Say, didn't we meet at the V.D. clinic?

16) Wanna fxxk like bunnies?

17) Help, I'm lost. Which way is it to your house?

18) Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

19) I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a reality?

20) Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm? :D

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Joke for Friday

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?" :D

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Things to ponder for Sat ;)

1. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

2. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

3. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

4. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

5. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries

have a use by date?

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For Sunday ;)

Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

3. Your soldier aint so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building

6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. Youve got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".

8. Youve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. Im talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis :D

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Joke for Monday 14 May 2007 ;)

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and were on the fire truck ready to go.

From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled, BELL 1 The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled BELL 2, the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled BELL 3, they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled BELL 4 What the hell is BELL 4? asked the husband?

ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, she replied, YOURE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE. :D

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For Tuesday, Don't drink and drive ;)

Top Ten Not To Say When You Get Pulled Over

10.... Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize my radar detector wasnt plugged in.

9.... Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

8.... Youre not gonna check the trunk are you?

7.... I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. Thats how far ahead of me they are.

6.... I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

5.... Officer says, Son, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking? You respond with, Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?

4.... Hey, you mustve been doin about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job

3.... Gee, Officer Thats terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too

2.... Arent you the guy from the Village People?

l.... I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

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A Bonus joke for Tuesday 15 May 2007 to beat the working blues :lol:

A bunch of guys are in the locker room at their golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings, and one of the guys engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen....

MAN : Hello.

WOMAN : Honey, its me. Are you at the club?

MAN : Yes.

WOMAN : I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $1000. Its it okay if I buy it.

MAN : Sure...go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN : I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN : How much?

WOMAN : $ 90,000

MAN : Okay, but for that price with I want it with all the options.

WOMAN : Great! Oh.... and one more thing......the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're are asking $950,000.

MAN : Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000

They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50,000. It's a pretty good price.

WOMAN : Okay, I'll see you later.! I love you very so much !!

MAN : Bye! I love you, too.

He hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouth agape.

The guy smiles and asks,

" Anyone know whose phone this is? :D:D:D

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A short joke for Wed becos me headache lah, got caught in the rain today a few times...

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?" :D

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Joke for Thursday 17 May 2007, It's 初一 ;)

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!" :D

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Joke for Friday 18 May 2007, Friday liow...yay!

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her," replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers . He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the hooker. "But I thought you might want to open those beers first." :D

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Joke for a lonely Friday evening :lol:

床前明月光,疑是地上霜。

举头望明月,低头思故乡。

(English Version)

The moon light is pouring down on my bedside

Like white frost spreading on the ground

I look up the bright round moon in the sky

And lower my head thinking of my dear hometown

(Singlish (Phua Chu Kang) Version)

Bedfront Moon Bright Bright

Think Is Floor White White

Lift Head See Moon Moon

Bow Head Miss Home Home...

(Ah-Beng Version)

Bedfront Orr Pi Sai (pick nose)

Think Think Go Pang Sai

Pick Up Tai Gor Tai (handphone)

BS While Lau Sai

(Latest Reservist Army Version)

Bedfront Lau Bark Sai (tears drop)

Thinking About Exercise(reservist mobilization)

Drop Dead Look Into The Sky (run until nobreathe)

Tong Kor Sia Lang Zai? (my heartache nobody knows)

(Osama version)

No friend at my side

Think think Bush will fight

Lift head but where to hide?

This time don't know when will die ?

(Bush version)

Can't sleep since that night

Think think where he hide?

Bomb bomb friends will say I pai

No choice ask them go fly kite

:D

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Joke for Sat ;)

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard.

She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed.

Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:

What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)

M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking, you pervert? :D:D:D

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For Sunday

-Things you Learn at the movies

-During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

-All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

-All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

-It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

-Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

-The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

-If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

-You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

-Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.

-If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

-The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

-A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

-If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

-When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

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Joke for Monday 21 May 2007 ;)

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. :D

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Hope your Monday went well and wasn't so blue, here's the joke for Tuesday :lol:

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm dead."

A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not dead. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.

The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're dead." :D

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An unhappy Italiano tourist

Here is the text of the complaint letter which an Italiano tourist wrote to

the Manager of a hotel in London.

Dear Signor Diretorre,

Now I am tella you the story how I was treated at your hotella. I am comma

from Palermo as tourist to London and stay as a young man at your hotella.

When I comma in my room I see no shit (sheet) in my bed. How can I sleep

with no shit in my bed? I calla down the Receptione and tell:

"I wanna shit". They tella me, " Go to the toillett ".

I said, " You no understand. I wanna Shit in my bed ". They said, "You betta

not shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch".

Signor Diretorre, what is sonnawabitch?

I go down to ristorante for breakfast. I order bacona and eggs and two pisses of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress and point to toast. "I wanna piss". She tella me, "Go to the toillett". I say, "You no understand. I wanna piss on my plate".

She then say to me, "You bloody fella better not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch". Second person who do not even know me and call me sonnawabitch! What is sonnawabitch?

Later I go dinner into restorante. Spoon and knife is laid but no fock. I tella waitress " I wanna fock", and she tella me, "Sure, everybody wanna fock". I tell her, "You no understand. I wanna fock on the table".

She then tell me, "So you sonnawabitch, wanna fock on the table? Get your

ass outa here!" So I go to the receptione and ask for bills. I no wanna stay

in your hotel no more.

When I have pay the bills, the porter say to me, "Thank you and piss be

with you". I say " Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch".

He looks unhappy and shows me his middle finger. Why, Sinnor Directorre?

I go back to Italy! I never more comma stay in your hotella,

You Sonnawabitch!

Giovanni

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Joke for Wed ;)

A Letter to the General Manager from the IT Manager

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13 released as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I

wrote the report sent to you earlier today.

Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

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oopsie, forgot to log in for the above joke...hehe paiseh..let me post another bonus joke for Wed ;)

During a training exercise, the lieutenant was driving along a muddy patch of road when he came across a jeep stuck in the mud and an upset Colonel at the wheel. The lieutenant stopped beside the jeep and asked, "Is your jeep stuck sir?"

The Colonel came over to the Lieutenant, hand over the keys and said, "Nope, Yours is!" :D

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Guest golf fan
An unhappy Italiano tourist

Here is the text of the complaint letter which an Italiano tourist wrote to

the Manager of a hotel in London.

itaewan, you should contribute more on jokes too :thumb:

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Joke for Thursday, a bit long sorry ;)

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car approaching slowly and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept towards him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door. Only then did he realise that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver’s window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralysed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear everytime they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quivering, ordered two shots of whisky, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realised the guy was telling the truth.

About half-an-hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look friend, that’s the idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain." :D

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A bonus "ghost" story for you :D

1 day, a taxi driver go to those oolu oolu ( quiet ) place to find passengers. He saw a lady dressed completely in white. The woman flagged the taxi. She said she wanted to go home, and she stayed beside a cemetery. When reach liao, she handed him the money, and got out of the taxi. The taxi driver just wanted to thank her, but saw that she was - gone.

1 year later, exactly on the same day, he was driving around the same area. He also saw the same woman, this time dressed totally in black. She also wanted to go to the same place. When reach liao, she handed him the money, and got out. The taxi driver again wanted to thank her, but again, she was - gone.

Instead, he saw a hand coming out from below the ground..He wanted to scream, but stopped when he heard a woman shouting, " Oi uncle !! Next time dun park so near the drain can anot !!!" :D

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Subject: Reasons why I never visit my rich friend

Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....

Question: "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea

Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino,or Coffee?"

Answer: "Tea please"

Question: "Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea,Bush tea,

Honey bush tea,Iced tea or green tea ?"

Answer: "Ceylon tea "

Question: "How would you like it ? black or white ?

Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, or fresh cream?

Answer: "With milk"

Question: "Goat's milk, or cow's milk"

Answer: "With cow's milk please.

Question: "Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: "Um, I'll just take it black"

Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

Answer: "With sugar"

Question: "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"

Answer: "Cane sugar"

Question: "White, brown or yellow sugar?"

Answer: "Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead.

Question: "Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?"

Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored?"

Answer: "I think I'll just die of thirst!!!!

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