Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboys secret...

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Vase

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. 
He says "What's this?" 

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." 
He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..." 

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

[worldangel]

Joke: Zebra crossing

A policeman at a traffic junction noticed a jay walker and decided to catch him.

The policeman said, "Can you explain why you are trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 25 meters away?"

'Well,' replied the jay walker, "I hope it's having better luck than me."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Just Trying to Be Helpful

A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Growing Wild

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Recently a teacher, a garbage ...

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." 

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" 

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[worldangel]

Joke: Too long in the toilet

Little Tommy was sitting on the toilet pot. His mother thought he was taking too long, so she went into the bathroom to check on him. Tommy was there sitting on the toilet seat reading a book. But every few seconds, he would put the book down, grab the toilet seat with one hand, and hit himself on top of the head with the other hand.

His mother found this strange and asked: "Tommy, are you okay? You've been in here for a while."

Little Tommy replied, "I'm fine, mom, I just haven't done my potty yet."

His mother said, "That's all right, sweety, you can stay here for some more time, but why do you keep hitting yourself on the head?"

Little Tommy replied: "Works for ketchup."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The first suit?

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Better Relationship

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. 

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?" 

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

[worldangel]

Joke: Culture Shock

Two cups of yogurt walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here." One cup of yogurt says, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Adam Strays

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate. 

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth." 

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso. 

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Ladies and the Flasher

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.

The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady can't reach that far.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: There was a beautiful young bl...

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. 

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hair Too Long

Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel -- religious fanatic.

 

Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss -- unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch -- one of 12 brides.
 

 

Edited May 23, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A chicken and an egg are lying...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Will you marry me...

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

[worldangel]

Joke: The switch

Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk.
As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field.

Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens.

The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch.

After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.

Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her, "Well what happened?"

She replied, "It was the best sex I ever had!"

"Why?" asked Farmer Brown.

"Well when he took off his pants it wasn't but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage."

Farmer Brown said, "Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Trouble hearing....

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"

Doctor says "Let’s check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"

The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hanging from plane

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Farting Competition

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" 

The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing." 
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?" 

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score." 
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he shits all over the bed. 

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Old and bent

Pete, an old frustrated patient, at the hospital asks the doctor, "Doc, is there anything worse than being old and bent?"

The Doctor: replies, "Of course there is - being young and broke."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two cowboys are riding their horses...

Two cowboys are riding their horses together on the prairie. They come upon a big pile of manure. The first cowboy goes to the second, "I will bet you a $1000 that I can eat all of this crap." The second cowboy agrees, so the first cowboy eats the entire pile and wins $1000.

The two cowboys ride on and after some time come across another pile of manure. This time the second cowboy bets the first that he too can eat the whole pile for $1000. The first cowboy agrees and the second cowboy eats the entire pile and wins the bet.

They ride on again. After a while the first cowboy says to the second, "Do you realize that we just ate a whole pile of manure for nothing?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Talking Baby

A baby was born with the ability to talk. 
The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?" 
"Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!" 

"Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?" 
"Yes, I am!" says the doctor. 

"Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery." 
"You're very welcome," says the doctor. 
The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?" 
Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!" 

The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. "How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn't it?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Growing hair

While giving a bath to Neel, my 4-year-old son, I was applying shampoo to his hair and noticed how fast his hair was growing.

I mentioned this to him and told him he needed a haircut again.

Pondering over the problem, he came up with a solution and said, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Ploughing The Land

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold outside!

Jacob was fast asleep in bed with his wife Naomi. Suddenly, Naomi woke him up and said, "Please close the window. It's cold outside."

Jacob groaned and turned over.
Naomi nudged him again and insisted, "Please close the window. It's cold outside."
Jacob forced himself up and shut the window. "Does that make it warm outside?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Toilet Hygiene

Gary and Lorne were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Lorne's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said.

"I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?"  Lorne said.

"All twisted like a corkscrew," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Lorne said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Lorne said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

"What did you do that for?" asked Lorne.

"Shaking off the excess drops," replied Gary.

"Like normal."

"Cripes," Lorne said.

"And all these years I've been wringing it."

[worldangel]

 J

oke: A Preacher and His Dentures

A preacher went to get his teeth pulled. As a result he would need dentures. The first Sunday after, he preached 10 minutes. The second he preached 20 minutes and the third he preached an hour and a half.

Some members of the congregation asked about the different amounts of time. The preacher says, "The first Sunday my gums were so sore I could barely talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were causing the pain.

The third Sunday, I grabbed my wife's dentures and could not stop talking."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Unattractive Ladies Man

A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck. Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. 

Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender and says, “Excuse me, but do you know that man’s secret? I mean, he’s not what you’d call attractive, in fact he’s ugly as sin, and yet the ladies adore him. I’m everything a girl could want but I haven’t been able to score all night. What’s going on?” 

“Well,” said the bartender, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Real Meaning of Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I am getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.” 

“That’s not senility,” replied the doctor. “Senility is when you forget to zip down.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Unattractive Ladies Man

A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck. Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. 

Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender and says, “Excuse me, but do you know that man’s secret? I mean, he’s not what you’d call attractive, in fact he’s ugly as sin, and yet the ladies adore him. I’m everything a girl could want but I haven’t been able to score all night. What’s going on?” 

“Well,” said the bartender, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Kids Are Coming

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough". 

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. 

"We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up. 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. 

The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they are coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: 2 Reasons To Go School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!" 
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer was cross-examining t...

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."

 

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

 

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
 

 

Edited May 25, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The loan....

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.40. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Five surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: First Thing to do after Jail

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: Trouble hearing....

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"

Doctor says "Let’ check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"

The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding cars

A village was facing a problem of speeding cars resulting in accidents every now and then.

The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down Old People's Home. It had no effect.

At the next meeting, it was decided to work on the paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play. 
No discernible reduction in traffic speed.

Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with:
Cloth-less Colony. 

As a result of the notice, white vans and lorries crawl throughout the village now.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two coworkers were talking by ...

Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain one guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced."

The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces."

The first man replies, "No, I just got married".

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Beautiful?

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A young man looking to get married...

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."

"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who’s' just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

[worldangel]

Joke: A duck walks into a Dairy


A duck walks into a dairy and says

"Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!"

But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him.

He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed.

The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer.

The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips... heh heh heh


 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A lady is walking down the street...

A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dogs and masters

Two dogs were discussing their lives and their masters in general. The first dog whose owner was a speaker in the House of Parliament said: “My master is a speaker of the House, responsible for maintaining discipline in the House. When I bark consistently, he keeps repeating "'Please….please….silence please.' It's so funny."

The second dog said: “Your master at least speaks to you. Mine is an MP (Member of Parliament). He keeps barking like us dogs at every one including me. To add insult to injury, he has put a board on his gate ‘Beware of dog.' Talk about his audacity.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Petroleum Jelly

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife. 
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?" 

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers. 
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?" 

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was on trial for selling...

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. 

The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?" 

"No sir," answered the man. 

"Did you ever get any from his wife?" 

"No sir." 

"Did you ever get any from his daughters?" 

"Uh...excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Redneck Hotel

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.
She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."

"But, madam!", replied the bellman.

"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."

"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Tooth trouble

Justin : “Doctor, there was decay in my upper tooth. You said a worm was eating it away. But you have pulled out my lower tooth. Why?”

Doctor : “You are right. Actually the worm was standing on your lower tooth and doing the job. Now it has no tooth to stand on.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Approval of the Family

When my wife and I decided to get married we'd been going out for a few years. We really loved each other and we wanted everything to be perfect... and pretty much everything was, except that one thing had been bothering me. Her sister was a babe and many times I visited, she would flirt with me, bending over in front of me, things I didn't want to acknowledge.

Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked and she explained to me that she'd always wanted me and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn't know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait and if I wanted to, I could follow her, but if I didn't, I could just leave.

I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was!

Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.