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Joke: Confusion About Y2K


Dear Boss,


I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.


At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.
In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.


Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?


a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Tech Support: "I need you to right-click ...

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." 
Customer: "Ok." 


Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu? "Customer: "No." 
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" 
Customer: "No." 


Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" 
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Excuse For Speeding

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding.

 

When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the car in back of me." 
 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Reaching the end of a job interview...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" 

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." 

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" 
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" 

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it." 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Happy Birthday

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A stranger's advice

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.

After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."

The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.

As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"

"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: What You Got?

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking.

"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar."


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Someone Really Stinks


A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"


Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"


The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."


And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Good habits

 

Miss Prim-and-proper said to her grandmother, "Grandma, you have impressed me today. "

Her grandmother asked, "What did I do to impress you?"

Miss Prim-and-proper replied, "I noticed that you have finally formed the habit of covering your mouth with your hand when you sneeze."

Her grandmother said, "Yes, of course. How else am I supposed to catch my teeth?"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Restroom Talk

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?' 
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.' 


And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?' 
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.' 


At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?' 
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!' 


Then I hear the guy say nervously... 

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Sunburn

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?" 


So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra". 
"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?". 

"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Dining out...

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, 'Who was that??!!'

'Oh,' replies the husband, 'that was my mistress.'

The wife says, 'That's it; I want a divorce.'

'I understand,' replies her husband, 'but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.'

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. 'Who's that woman with Jim? ' she asks.

'That's his mistress,' replies her husband.

'Ours is prettier,' says the wife.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Old Lawyer....

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

What do you mean he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82" replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check" said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned.

"Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Nor Gold, Nor Platinum


A science teacher asks a student, "Mike if you could have any element of the element table what would it be?"

Mike said, "Gold, because gold is worth a lot and I could have a Ferrari in my drive way every day."

The teacher asked another student, "Johnny, what element would you choose?"

Johnny said, "Platinum, because platinum is more expensive than gold and I could have a Viper in my drive way every day."

The teacher asked another student, "George what element would you pick?"

George said silicone. “Silicone?” the amazed teacher asked.

George said, "Because my mom got some silicone and now she has a Ferrari and a viper in her drive way."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: An elderly retired gentleman had ...

An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time. 
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before. 


One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." 


The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

 

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."


The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Leave a sample...

An old codger goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the poor old bloke is hard of hearing.

 

After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "Right, I'll need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."

 

The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, "What did the Doctor say?"

 

The wife replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear."

 

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Shooting The Bull

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

 

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

 

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Retired Father

My dad is retired now, and he moved to Florida.

And it’s really great to be able to finally go down and visit him now that he’s finally able to do those things in life that he’s always wanted to do, which apparently is start drinking at noon and then head on out to buy me ugly shirts.


a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Hate war?

 

The History teacher had just finished a chapter on World War I.

She asked the class, "How many of you are against war?"

A number of hands shot up. The teacher said, "Ok, Little Johnny, you tell us, why are you not in favor of war?"

"I hate war, miss." Little Johnny said, "That's because wars end up making history, and history is my least favorite subject."

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Delirious

Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?
You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.

Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.

When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Stopped for speeding...

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place . . . The man says, 'What's the problem, Officer?'
Officer: 'You were going at least 75 in a 55-zone.'

Man: 'No Sir, I was going 65.'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you were going 80.' (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.'

Man: 'Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.' (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.'

Man: 'Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.'

The man turns to his wife and yells, 'SHUT YOUR MOUTH!'

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?'

The wife says, 'No, only when he's been drinking!!!'

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Science Project With Dad

When I was eight years old, I had to do a science project, but my dad just did it for me. I didn’t contribute at all. I think the teacher kind of figured it out when the project was called, Is My Wife Cheating on Me?



a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Finding a race winner

A rich race horse businessman calls for the services of a geneticist, a physiologist and a physicist. He told them he would award a million dollars to the one who could accurately identify race-winning horses. After several weeks of working on the horses, they were ready with their conclusions to be reported to the billionaire.

The geneticist reported, "I've considered all the current genetic research, checked blood-lines going back several decades, but there are just too many behavioral and environmental factors to arrive at a definite conclusion."

The physiologist reported, "I've checked muscle mass, bone volume and density, and all the other factors I can think of, but it seems to be too complex. It is too difficult to predict a winner."

Finally, it is the physicist's turn who seems to be very relaxed and reports while handing an index card to the billionaire. "There you are," he says "I've found an equation that can identify a winning horse."

"Great!" exclaims the billionaire, "Do you want checque or cash?"

"Err...there's one little thing that you should know," said the physicist. "It only works for a spherically symmetric horse running in a vacuum."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Three moms

Three moms, a Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde, get together one afternoon.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.


Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A little girl was talking to her...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". 


The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" 
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"


 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A little head

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A close shave...

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Porch or Lexus?

A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
"$50" she replies

The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it"

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked.

"Yeah, and i had paint left over so i gave two coats."

Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch. Its a Lexus."


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Answering Machine Message

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.




a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Mrs. Johnson

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Quick fire drinks

Guy walks into a bar and says, "Quick, give me three shots of your finest whiskey!"

The bartender pours the shots and the man downs them as quickly as he can.

Bartender says, "What was that about?" Guy says,

"You'd do the same if you had what I have."

Bartender: "What's that?"

Guy: "70 cents."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The young boy ....

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.

The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.

Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.

The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Walks Into a Bar... Vampires

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."


The second one says, "I'll have one, too."


The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."


The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Smoking in Public

I was out last Sunday -- I didnt see any signs, nobody to ask, so I lit a cigarette. This woman lost all control of her bodily functions. Put it out, please, put it out. I turned around -- she was three pews away!

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Guinness a real drink

At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.
Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,

'in 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.'

Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,

'In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.'

Hans steps up next,

'In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Weisen, the real king of beers.'

Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.

'Barman, give me a coke with ice please.'

The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks, 'Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?'

Patrick replies, 'Well, if you bastards aren't drinking, then neither am I'

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Question time....

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time....

"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The Blind Skydiver

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

 

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: A very well-known international...

A very well-known international furniture and interior decoration D.I.Y. Store recently set up a customer assistance department. The first call they got was from a lady who had purchased a wardrobe early in the morning. She explained that after assembly the wardrobe had crumbled three times when the public transport bus passed in front of her house.

 

The store sent a technician over to her place. He reassembled the wardrobe - which was in the night hall on the second floor - and then went into it to observe what would happen when the bus, which was due a few minutes later, went by. The phone rang just then and the lady went downstairs to take the call. Just then her husband came home from work with a terrible flue condition.

 

 Hearing his wife on the phone he trudged upstairs where he found the wardrobe; on opening one of the doors and seeing the man inside he exclaimed "What the dickens are you doing in there!?!" To which the guy replied "I know you'll never believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus!!

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The proud papa...

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"EXACTLY!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Weekend at Daves..

Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Thorn and Bill said their final good-byes to their good friend, Curly David.


"Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pal," said Thorn.

"The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fucking your wife."

Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Thorn and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying fucking his wife!"

"No, I wasn't serious. She was lousy."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: French fries

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep.
As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.

He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Pearly gates

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Bad memory

 

There are three old men seated inside a doctor's cabin - all suffering from bad memory.

The doctor wants to take a little test - so he asks the first old man, "Can you tell me what is four times four?"

The first man replies, "756".

The doctor can't believe this. So he moves on to the second old man asks him, "Your turn. What is four times four?"

The second man replies, "Friday".

The doctor shakes his head in disbelief and then asks the third man, "Do you think you have the answer?"

The third old man replies, "Sixteen".

"Wonderful!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Easy," the third old man replies, "Just add 756 to Friday."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Victim's relative

Bob had just finished his course in journalism and joined a newspaper agency. His boss sent him out on field to get some exciting news. At one place, he saw a mob gathered in a tight circle. He learnt that there was a fatal accident. Bob tried to get inside the circle but could not. He had a bright idea and shouted: “Move over, move over, I am related to the victim.”

Immediately, the crowd made space for him. Pleased with his own quick wit, Bob proceeded and reached the spot and guess what?

He saw a donkey lying dead.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Thanksgiving Turkey

One Thanksgiving, a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!"

Without hesitation my friend knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, "He gave you the bird!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Barking Dog

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours. 
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs. 


Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?" 

Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how they like it!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Sales call

Dean, an electronics salesman, makes a sales call and a little kid answers the phone.

Dean: Hello, little fellow. Can I speak to your mother?

Little kid : She is not at home.

Dean: Well, is anyone else at home?

Little kid: Ya, my sis.

Dean: Okay. May I speak to her?

Little kid: All right.

There was a long silence. Then:

Little kid: Hello?

Dean: Oh, it's you again. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Little kid: I tried. The trouble is, I can't get her out of the playpen.


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Pretending to be a Lawyer

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.

After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

He said, "Why yes I am!"

She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"


a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Hearing aid...

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.


Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty

 

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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