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Are you usually the pursuer or the pursued?


Guest 72%dark

Am I usually the pursuer or the pursued?  

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Guest 72%dark

When you’re in the process of looking for a boyfriend, partner, or even just someone to hook up with, are you usually the one who has to woo or pursue the person you're interested in, or are you usually the one who is wooed by someone who is interested in you? 

 

Do you find that the connections you make are usually initiated by you or by the other person? 

 

Do you find that when you're in the process of courting or dating someone, you seem to expend more effort or take more initiative in moving the relationship forward, or the other person does? 

 

When someone catches your eye or you find yourself falling for someone, is it usually one-sided (i.e. you are more interested in the other person than the other person is interested in you)? 

 

When you're pursuing the object of your affection or lust, have you ever felt like the other person was your first choice but you were only their second/third/backup choice?

 

When you're in a relationship, have you ever felt that one party loved the other more or treasured the relationship more? (Or when you're hooking up with someone, have you ever felt like one party felt more attracted to the other?)

 

Alternatively, have you ever experienced a connection where both parties are equally attracted to each other and equally interested in making/deepening the connection (whether just physical or more)? Is this even possible?

 

 

Please share your experiences and views on whether love/affection/lust/attraction is ever equally reciprocated between two people, or if it's usually the case that one person is more invested than the other.

 

 

 

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Love/affection/lust/attraction to me isn't always where both parties are required to give their 100% each. It depends and changes by time ie. today I feel giving 80% whereas my opposite would have to give 120% to make up for the lesser amount of effort that I gave and vice versa happens. Though, if I find myself always being the one who gives and doesn't or barely receives then I pretty much know that it isn't gonna work.

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Guest Power Tongue
1 hour ago, Guest Guest said:

ok i know this is stereotype but most of the time:

 

the top pursue

 

the bottom likes to be pursued

What if you're a flex man? :o

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Mostly the pursued. Nothing to do with being top or btm.

The reason is I really suck at being a pursuer.

when I am attracted to someone or emotionally involved, my internal circuits all go haywire lol

i feel so confuse with all the mixed signals, awhile hot, awhile cold, when to move forward, when to back off.

i jumble, I stumble, at times crumble LOL, once I got that person's attention, I start to panic and blurr and tio stuck there, for whatever stupidest reasons I will start to back off at this stage. Yup so that's why I really do not know how to be a pursuer but when I am not emotionally involved, I am ok and know what to do. Also don't know why. 

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2 hours ago, KENZ said:

Mostly the pursued. Nothing to do with being top or btm.

The reason is I really suck at being a pursuer.

when I am attracted to someone or emotionally involved, my internal circuits all go haywire lol

i feel so confuse with all the mixed signals, awhile hot, awhile cold, when to move forward, when to back off.

i jumble, I stumble, at times crumble LOL, once I got that person's attention, I start to panic and blurr and tio stuck there, for whatever stupidest reasons I will start to back off at this stage. Yup so that's why I really do not know how to be a pursuer but when I am not emotionally involved, I am ok and know what to do. Also don't know why. 

After the Prime Meat In The Scene offered to establish an open relationship with me, I headed STRAIGHT to the sauna.  Only to have an above average guy trying to enter me without condom, with his back-up plan close by.  

'

As I was sitting in the Jacuzzi, that back-up plan kept circling me.

 

Fear of Commitment.  What if I get in and can't get out?

 

Well, you and I are already in,  THIS LIFE, THIS WORLD.  Let's live it.  Just don't be anybody's back-up plan.

 

How to vote, with this mentality? 

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Guest 72%dark

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to vote or comment. This topic was prompted by a recent review (yeah yeah, I know, I know...) of my past relationships (or attempts thereof) and other connections. It struck me as sad and pathetic that, with one important exception, they've all been rather one-sided or unequal – either the other party or I was clearly more interested, and therefore spent more effort trying to establish the connection while the other was cooler and more distant. How sad that we inflict these little hurts on one another, round and round.

 

I sometimes wonder if I've forever been spoilt by that one relationship when it felt like the two of us were equally drawn to each other, when we were so unabashedly happy to be together that there was no hesitation, no feeling as though we were just the person’s backup choice. I've begun to wonder if such a situation is actually a rare anomaly, that actually the norm is to just search and search until you either give up on connections entirely or just settle for an unequal situation you can tolerate.

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Guest Playhardtoget
20 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

ok i know this is stereotype but most of the time:

 

the top pursue

 

the bottom likes to be pursued

I fit that stereotype.

I like being pursued by a top and play hard to get. Somehow it makes his prize sweeter and make me pay hard for my arrogance.

 

But then I also equally attract the bottoms, so salah...Then when that bottom finally saw me being submissive to a pursuing top, his eyes rolled and his friendly smiles turn to disgusts. He'll wait outside the room and listen to me being pounded silly and moaning, then see me come out in a mess and walk out jelly legged with all kind of sweaty fluids on me with the semen smell marked on me by the top.

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On 24/08/2016 at 10:24 PM, 72%dark said:

I've begun to wonder if such a situation is actually a rare anomaly, that actually the norm is to just search and search until you either give up on connections entirely or just settle for an unequal situation you can tolerate.

 

I'd personally feel the pace of life these days do not really offer a conducive environment for connections.

Just the mix of my habits and personality with the local society in general.

If you identify with the article below, you'd probably understand what I'm thinking.

 

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/20/young-people-japan-stopped-having-sex

Image00109.jpg

I'm always running after you.

You are my ideal.

You are me.

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Love can never be equal - because it cannot be measured.

 

What you feel that is easy to give might be difficult for someone else.

Finding the right people to date is also important, i don't think we even have a platform to do that.

For the straight people, more than 25% of marriages get divorced per year. Imagine how many alimony you have to pay for every breakup if you're married.

 

So in the meantime, love freely. Very soon, we will all be dead.

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On 25/08/2016 at 2:24 AM, 72%dark said:

I sometimes wonder ....

 

Perhaps you are overthinking the situation. Just go with the flow and dont have any preconceptions about what is, what should and what will and who knows, Cupid might just tap you on the shoulder and you will fall madly in love again. :)

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Guest 72%dark
9 hours ago, keyboard said:

Love can never be equal - because it cannot be measured.

 

I agree that 'love' cannot be measured, but the things we do to express our feelings or interest, that's certainly 'measurable' in some sense. I don't mean we should be 'keeping score' with our other half, but wouldn't anyone appreciate some signs – even little gestures like a genuine smile, the fervor of an embrace – that the other person is as interested in you as you are in them?

 

4 hours ago, Guest Gast said:

Cupid might just tap you on the shoulder and you will fall madly in love again.

 

I think falling in love is not too difficult actually; it's falling in love with someone who's also falling in love with you that's hard. That's kind of the point of this topic. 

(Thanks for the encouragement though. ^_^)

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4 hours ago, 72%dark said:

 

I think falling in love is not too difficult actually; it's falling in love with someone who's also falling in love with you that's hard. That's kind of the point of this topic. 

(Thanks for the encouragement though. ^_^)

 

Ok, had this thought when I posted originally but thought then that maybe I should not include it.  Kinda hard to believe that someone will not fall in love with you back, you certainly are interesting on paper.  So yeah, let yourself go :)

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Talking about guys liking girls... few days ago waiting for a bus at the usual crowded bus stop. I actually saw this guy randomly talking to pretty girls about pokemon go. I'm like, wow this actually happens in real life.

 

The closest equivalence of this happening that i ever saw was this guy wearing the grindr t-shirt but was obviously camp about it. I'm not exactly sure if there is any balance in this. The "Dating" circuit is definitely harder than it actually looks.

 

I'll be honest, can't really say much about how/who you are actually hooking up with. Perhaps you have been barking up the wrong tree all the while? I agree some people are not good at little gestures or giving signals they like you. My rule of thumb is, if the person is giving you mixed signals, that is the time to run. These are not ready for anything. Save yourself the effort and time for better friends or family.

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