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Coming out/realizing you are gay in your 30s


SilentWolf

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Hi guys,

 

starting this thread out of curiosity. Is there anyone here who only realized you were gay when you were in your 30s or after you got married? What was your experience like, coming out at such a stage in your life and how did you deal with it? Was it very confusing, or was did it feel liberating? How did your life change then since you would probably have been settled down by then??

 

Just asking this because I have heard some stories of people realizing they were gay and cheating on their spouses, and I was curious as to why people would only come to terms with their sexuality so late, etc. Feel free to discuss! :D

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Well said Don...your needle see blood .

Chinese saying 一针见血。

Self denial thinking they would be straight by marrying and all sexual fantasies about men  would come to an end ..how self deceiving !

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I'm in my 30s, very well aware of my sexuality since i'm a teenager. But because of my religion, i'm still hiding in the closet. But i've made one thing clear, that is i'll never get married to a women just as a cover-up or because my parents keep on asking me to. Its not right to treat a girl that way.... 

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3 hours ago, SilentWolf said:

Hi guys,

 

starting this thread out of curiosity. Is there anyone here who only realized you were gay when you were in your 30s or after you got married? What was your experience like, coming out at such a stage in your life and how did you deal with it? Was it very confusing, or was did it feel liberating? How did your life change then since you would probably have been settled down by then??

 

Just asking this because I have heard some stories of people realizing they were gay and cheating on their spouses, and I was curious as to why people would only come to terms with their sexuality so late, etc. Feel free to discuss! :D

 

its F-ed up LOL
#sourgrapes LOL

 

but you know, at least you are at last peace with yourself after all this while, 30s is prime years still
must look forward. crash course on growing up

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60 plus old married man found out by his wife and family - divorce him with heavy financial burden, sole their condo, kick him out of the house, children wedding shun him off.....

Now no money, no house and pretend to go to temple praying/chanting and volunteer hope to accept lodgging from temple while still go gay sauna for sexual activities.

Recently the administrator kick him out due to fling with another devotee in the temple after complaint.Due to his ego, he told everyone that he want to become monk that why divorce.

 

 

ps : not my friend but hear from sauna patron about his pathetic lifestyle.

 

 

 

Edited by Guest
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In the context of married men, never is better than late.

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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Guest Promotes culture of deceit
16 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

Well said Don...your needle see blood .

Chinese saying 一针见血。

Self denial thinking they would be straight by marrying and all sexual fantasies about men  would come to an end ..how self deceiving !

That is what christian ministries like choices and focus on the family promote isn't it? Lying and dishonesty is what they promote. Fairy tales like religious beliefs mess up real life BIG TIME!!!

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5 hours ago, Diamond said:

60 plus old married man found out by his wife and family - divorce him with heavy financial burden, sole their condo, kick him out of the house, children wedding shun him off.....

Now no money, no house and pretend to go to temple praying/chanting and volunteer hope to accept lodgging from temple while still go gay sauna for sexual activities.

Recently the administrator kick him out due to fling with another devotee in the temple after complaint.Due to his ego, he told everyone that he want to become monk that why divorce.

 

 

ps : not my friend but hear from sauna patron about his pathetic lifestyle.

 

 

 

pity him.might b he go for guys after his wife no longer interest in sex mah.poor thing hor.

but he should b faithfull to his wife at the same time by controling his urge.alot of things happening out there.lately my mum n sis push me to get married.i indirectly tell them that not gonna happen.since

i got a lot of guy frens all.of the sudden , mum n sis suspect n tell me to get married.hmmmmm... 

 

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17 hours ago, cutejack said:

pity him.might b he go for guys after his wife no longer interest in sex mah.poor thing hor.

but he should b faithfull to his wife at the same time by controling his urge.alot of things happening out there.lately my mum n sis push me to get married.i indirectly tell them that not gonna happen.since

i got a lot of guy frens all.of the sudden , mum n sis suspect n tell me to get married.hmmmmm... 

 

dun pity him....he already wasted other people life. i alway despise those hypocrite when they show up in grindr, gay sauna and social media aps.

 

Never use marriage to cover up your inclination.

 

Be a man and not making use of other people life like a coward.

 

 

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2 hours ago, cutejack said:

pity him.might b he go for guys after his wife no longer interest in sex mah.poor thing hor.

but he should b faithfull to his wife at the same time by controling his urge.alot of things happening out there.lately my mum n sis push me to get married.i indirectly tell them that not gonna happen.since

i got a lot of guy frens all.of the sudden , mum n sis suspect n tell me to get married.hmmmmm... 

 

Please for whatever choice u r going to make, don't ever get married just because ur family ask u to....

And it's worse if u use marriage as a cover-up that u r gay.

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1 minute ago, ZKT279 said:

Please for whatever choice u r going to make, don't ever get married just because ur family ask u to....

And it's worse if u use marriage as a cover-up that u r gay.

no.i wont.even if that happen i will totally forget abt gay life.hahaha...is tat possible?

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3 minutes ago, cutejack said:

60 yo must b old timer who does things blindly.things r not same at those days.so.we are unsure of the situation he faces until end up in marriage life?

Hmmmm......

Make me think again, u do have a point here. Those days r so much diff comprd to now. He must have had to handle everything on his own because they don't have place to go for guidance or support.

 

1 minute ago, cutejack said:

no.i wont.even if that happen i will totally forget abt gay life.hahaha...is tat possible?

Hahaha.....

That will naver happen. History has proven if by the so called "gay is a disease n can be cured".

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Haha thanks for all the opinions and sharing guys...It's really good to see how matured and responsible everyone's thinking is. I also say its better to be unhappy/lonely alone than to live a lie and ruin two lives instead of just one...why do gay guys still even marry though? To conform and out of peer pressure from family? 

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Most of the ones that come out late are bisexual men who are in denial. Many factors plays a part in getting this mentality, such as family pressure, religion etc. I did meet a few young bi guys who know that they do like both sex early, they will date and marry the girl and at the same time have fun with guys. I really feel this type of life is pretty screwed, for both sides.

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Those who have come out late in their 30s, i believe they should be bi than gay. I don't believe a gay can come out in their 30s, unless they really can't accept the fact that they are gay.

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Guest 72%dark

I've been aware of my attraction to men for as long as I can remember, and thus I suppose I always knew at some level that I was gay. So I don't have personal experience of coming out late(r) in life. BUT, I do still vividly remember the internal struggles I had during my adolescent years when I was coming to terms with my sexuality, and the early years of coming out. I was relatively fortunate to have had a fairly liberal environment and (mostly) open-minded family and friends, and i've also generally marched to the beat of my own drum anyway; and yet it was still hard. So I can well imagine how much harder it must be for those who come from very conservative backgrounds, or who may not have access to the kinds of information and experiences that help one to better understand and come to terms with homosexuality.

 

It's this that inclines me to be a bit more sympathetic of those who only come out later in life or continue to struggle with it. I can't condone marriages of convenience, but I also don't see how scolding those who've already gone down this road helps anyone.

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Guest Cute Exec
40 minutes ago, Guest tormented said:

i am being pressurised to go match making by my parents, relatives. What can i do???? 

Tell your parents you are a liberal thinker aka marriage is not an agenda to you and you like being a care free single.

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40 minutes ago, Guest Cute Exec said:

Tell your parents you are a liberal thinker aka marriage is not an agenda to you and you like being a care free single.

Nobody blieve a guy would want to be single and would not want to get married. People still might suspect. Some of my friends and relative also suspected how come i am still not attached or married since i am not young anymore.

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Guest Match maker
3 hours ago, Guest tormented said:

i am being pressurised to go match making by my parents, relatives. What can i do???? 

 

What?  Still has such thing as arranged match making.  Better be careful, one day they will bring one girl inside your room while you are sleeping.  

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10 minutes ago, Guest Match maker said:

 

What?  Still has such thing as arranged match making.  Better be careful, one day they will bring one girl inside your room while you are sleeping.  

Ya there is.....

I almost get married 3 years ago by arrangement from my parents. Lucky enough to have dodge that bullet....

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Once you hit a certain age and is earning an income, it qualifies you as an adult. You are responsible for your own decisions, actions and consequences. Your choices affect not just you but the people around you who care and love you. However, at the of the day, it is your choice and altruism be damned. 

 

If you choose to bow down to the pressure  of getting married etc. then live with your decision. Honor your marriage and be a good husband because it is the choice you've made. Nobody forced you to get married. You made the choice to for whatever reasons. It is your choice. 

 

So so quit whining and stop cruising and looking for random hookups with guys. You are not doing yourself and your family, especially your wife, any favors. You made a choice and you've got to learn to live with it.  Your other option is to come out and come clean. Be honest with yourself. Like I've said earlier, being closeted or bi is not an excuse to cheat on your wife. 

 

Love. 

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1 hour ago, doncoin said:

Once you hit a certain age and is earning an income, it qualifies you as an adult. You are responsible for your own decisions, actions and consequences. Your choices affect not just you but the people around you who care and love you. However, at the of the day, it is your choice and altruism be damned. 

 

If you choose to bow down to the pressure  of getting married etc. then live with your decision. Honor your marriage and be a good husband because it is the choice you've made. Nobody forced you to get married. You made the choice to for whatever reasons. It is your choice. 

 

So so quit whining and stop cruising and looking for random hookups with guys. You are not doing yourself and your family, especially your wife, any favors. You made a choice and you've got to learn to live with it.  Your other option is to come out and come clean. Be honest with yourself. Like I've said earlier, being closeted or bi is not an excuse to cheat on your wife. 

 

 

Discussed to death previously,

some even think married man cheating is "damage mitigation"

and a whole lot of married man tried justifying themselves why they cheat

 

 

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3 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

 

Discussed to death previously,

some even think married man cheating is "damage mitigation"

and a whole lot of married man tried justifying themselves why they cheay

 

I totally agree with you. Many closeted gay men used their marriage as an excuse to cheat and there is somehow an unhealthy fascination with some gay men about being with someone who is married. Perhaps at some level they know that the married man is unavailable emotionally, and choose to believe that they don't deserve to be with someone who will love and care about them and be emotionally and physically available. That is fucked up. We all deserve to be happy whether you believe it or not. However happiness in a relationship with someone does not "just happen." You need to put work in to make it a reality. Easier said than done, but every little step counts. 

 

 

Love. 

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2 hours ago, nogun said:

When born in a society that don't accepted gay people,people educated to discriminate gay,is not easy to come out unless u are financially stable,due to lack of gay knowledge,or a gay platform in society ,those in closet ,are isolated,duno how handle their emotional state,pressure into straight marriage ...best is just tell parents u no find right one yet, finding love is not  like shopping in supermarket,you are not their baby making machine,if u cannot find true love u rather not have it , settle  for someone u dun love will make your life miserable.

Born in a family/society that being gay is not acceptable. Can't tell/open-up to my parents about who i'm really r. From i was still a little kid, already have the attention/tendency toward men. Only during my teen years realize that my sexual orientation is not within the norm. Trying to be normal is imposible. Can't be in love. Marriage is not an option. Sometimes, i feel that being gay is a curse.

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I have a friend who married a lesbian from a v wealthy family and got her pregnant (probably before the marriage, cuz she spotted a baby bump and looked gravid during the wedding). 

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10 hours ago, ZKT279 said:

Born in a family/society that being gay is not acceptable. Can't tell/open-up to my parents about who i'm really r. From i was still a little kid, already have the attention/tendency toward men. Only during my teen years realize that my sexual orientation is not within the norm. Trying to be normal is imposible. Can't be in love. Marriage is not an option. Sometimes, i feel that being gay is a curse.

 

We need to ask ourselves why are we being the victim? Society and family can change and it can only happen if you make that change first. If every gay is sitting around waiting for someone else to do it, nothing happens. Gay rights, marriage equality in the Western world didn't just happen. Groups of gay men and women, transgendered and straight allies fought for the right. Fought for the acceptance. So if you think gay life is so easily accepted in the western world it is because generations before us fought for that right. 

 

Coming out to your family is a personal choice. You can choose to be honest and have the freedom after that or not. You made the choice to let being gay as a curse. It is no different than someone saying to me, poor me, I am blonde, so I am cursed. 

Edited by doncoin

Love. 

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Guest tormented

Being gay is a hindrance to feel acceptance in this world. Unlike other forms of handicap, society keeps expecting you to do something you don't want to do. Its like a job or duty you are not allowed to run away from. Its different from someone who is crippled. I am sure society is not expecting that person to walk...but for closeted gays like me, society keeps "forcing" me to get marry. One of the most common reasons my relatives & colleagues say: I need to get marry because when I am in my 50s, I will suffer. They say now that you are still young, you won't feel the effect. I wonder how many of the "single" gays in their 50s regret not getting married and having a "normal" life like the straight people?

 

 

 

 

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On Friday, September 09, 2016 at 11:02 PM, doncoin said:

 

We need to ask ourselves why are we being the victim? Society and family can change and it can only happen if you make that change first. If every gay is sitting around waiting for someone else to do it, nothing happens. Gay rights, marriage equality in the Western world didn't just happen. Groups of gay men and women, transgendered and straight allies fought for the right. Fought for the acceptance. So if you think gay life is so easily accepted in the western world it is because generations before us fought for that right. 

 

Coming out to your family is a personal choice. You can choose to be honest and have the freedom after that or not. You made the choice to let being gay as a curse. It is no different than someone saying to me, poor me, I am blonde, so I am cursed. 

Yup, i've made my choice... seriously, i don't mind loosing a friends if i coming out to them n turns out they r not ok w plu. BUT, i can't face/handle loosing my parents because i already know what will happen by coming out to them. U can easily replace a friends, but u can't replace ur parents.

There is a reason y some plu can't come out even though it will torment them for life. For plu that r openly gay, all i can say is good for u.... u lucky devil, for being born in a family that accept plu. N keep up the good work in fighting for plu rights. All we can do (that is still closeted) is support u from behind.

 

Note: I'm sorry to have intrude ur life w this bullshit.

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5 hours ago, ZKT279 said:

Yup, i've made my choice... seriously, i don't mind loosing a friends if i coming out to them n turns out they r not ok w plu. BUT, i can't face/handle loosing my parents because i already know what will happen by coming out to them. U can easily replace a friends, but u can't replace ur parents.

There is a reason y some plu can't come out even though it will torment them for life. For plu that r openly gay, all i can say is good for u.... u lucky devil, for being born in a family that accept plu. N keep up the good work in fighting for plu rights. All we can do (that is still closeted) is support u from behind.

 

Note: I'm sorry to have intrude ur life w this bullshit.

 

 

Well, what makes you think it is you who is losing your parents and not the other way round? Part of being a good son is to be honest with our parents. Lying to them is not exactly part of the equation. If they cannot accept you as gay, it is their problem. Not yours. You have done the responsible thing by being honest. How they accept the truth is not within your control. What is within your control is tell them or not.

 

It is a risk we all have to take. Yes, I am fortunate to have an accepting family, one whom I can share openly who I am. However, before I took that step, I also wonder the same questions. It wasn't all roses and champagne. It took years before my mother is at a comfortable place. 

 

 

 

Love. 

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Guest Impressed
On Thursday, September 08, 2016 at 0:13 AM, 72%dark said:

I've been aware of my attraction to men for as long as I can remember, and thus I suppose I always knew at some level that I was gay. So I don't have personal experience of coming out late(r) in life. BUT, I do still vividly remember the internal struggles I had during my adolescent years when I was coming to terms with my sexuality, and the early years of coming out. I was relatively fortunate to have had a fairly liberal environment and (mostly) open-minded family and friends, and i've also generally marched to the beat of my own drum anyway; and yet it was still hard. So I can well imagine how much harder it must be for those who come from very conservative backgrounds, or who may not have access to the kinds of information and experiences that help one to better understand and come to terms with homosexuality.

 

It's this that inclines me to be a bit more sympathetic of those who only come out later in life or continue to struggle with it. I can't condone marriages of convenience, but I also don't see how scolding those who've already gone down this road helps anyone.

 

Wow! Love this post.

 

Yes guys, many closetted gays get married for different reasons, some of them genuinely want to have their own children, some of them may be the only son in the family to be burdened with the responsibility of carrying on the family name... 

 

Lets just be more empathetic like what 72% has said. 

(Now I find 72% more attractive!)

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Guest Cocoa Lee 90%
1 hour ago, Guest Impressed said:

 

Wow! Love this post.

 

Yes guys, many closetted gays get married for different reasons, some of them genuinely want to have their own children, some of them may be the only son in the family to be burdened with the responsibility of carrying on the family name... 

 

Lets just be more empathetic like what 72% has said. 

(Now I find 72% more attractive!)

72% daft sinkies will also see the closeted married men as sacrificial lamb - abrahamic religious mentality - for the betterment of sinkieland - not pinkie land - breeding stock.

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I already know that i am attracted to guys since young and it causes depression as i dont even know how to handle it. I have 1 straight friend which i fallen deeply in love with and begin dating him every weekend maybe causing him dont have time date any other girls lol. Dating my straight friend cures my depression. Although my straight friend want to start a family, he procrastinate long enough. We have been together since kids, play football together, swim together, jog together, see movie together, play console game together, addicted to online games together... those were my happiest time with him. I thought my friend already given up the idea of getting married. His family even ask us are we gay but we always deny. When my friend reach the age of 34 i propose to him to buy a house together and he agreed to it. My friend ask me what will happen if he wants to get married, i tell my friend i will be contended just to see him every day, he and his wife can live in a room while i at another room in the house. Both of us even check our cpf balance to plan how to buy a house already, waiting patiently for my friend to reach the age of 35. But seem like fate is playing a joke on me and when my friend almost reach the age of 35, his friend introduce his wife friend from China to him, they meet just 2 weeks and decided to get marry. All my grand plan of buying a house together gone down the drain as he is better off buying a property with his wife with even more discount. I dont want to be pushed back to depression again and at the age of 37, i finally made up my mind to meet people like me and yes step out of the closet to meet other gay guys as i really need to find the correct type of love i needed. Luckily i am blessed to not age much but i am trying hard to catch up the many years of wasted time.

Edited by yoyo74
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34 minutes ago, yoyo74 said:

I already know that i am attracted to guys since young and it causes depression as i dont even know how to handle it. I have 1 straight friend which i fallen deeply in love with and begin dating him every weekend maybe causing him dont have time date any other girls lol. Dating my straight friend cures my depression. Although my straight friend want to start a family, he procrastinate long enough. We have been together since kids, play football together, swim together, jog together, see movie together, play console game together, addicted to online games together... those were my happiest time with him. I thought my friend already given up the idea of getting married. His family even ask us are we gay but we always deny. When my friend reach the age of 34 i propose to him to buy a house together and he agreed to it. My friend ask me what will happen if he wants to get married, i tell my friend i will be contended just to see him every day, he and his wife can live in a room while i at another room in the house. Both of us even check our cpf balance to plan how to buy a house already, waiting patiently for my friend to reach the age of 35. But seem like fate is playing a joke on me and when my friend almost reach the age of 35, his friend introduce his wife friend from China to him, they meet just 2 weeks and decided to get marry. All my grand plan of buying a house together gone down the drain as he is better off buying a property with his wife with even more discount. I dont want to be pushed back to depression again and at the age of 37, i finally made up my mind to meet people like me and yes step out of the closet to meet other gay guys as i really need to find the correct type of love i needed. Luckily i am blessed to not age much but i am trying hard to catch up the many years of wasted time.

O.0 ... Respect. For you to come out and share this. Wishing you all the best !!!

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35 minutes ago, yoyo74 said:

I already know that i am attracted to guys since young and it causes depression as i dont even know how to handle it. I have 1 straight friend which i fallen deeply in love with and begin dating him every weekend maybe causing him dont have time date any other girls lol. Dating my straight friend cures my depression. Although my straight friend want to start a family, he procrastinate long enough. We have been together since kids, play football together, swim together, jog together, see movie together, play console game together, addicted to online games together... those were my happiest time with him. I thought my friend already given up the idea of getting married. His family even ask us are we gay but we always deny. When my friend reach the age of 34 i propose to him to buy a house together and he agreed to it. My friend ask me what will happen if he wants to get married, i tell my friend i will be contended just to see him every day, he and his wife can live in a room while i at another room in the house. Both of us even check our cpf balance to plan how to buy a house already, waiting patiently for my friend to reach the age of 35. But seem like fate is playing a joke on me and when my friend almost reach the age of 35, his friend introduce his wife friend from China to him, they meet just 2 weeks and decided to get marry. All my grand plan of buying a house together gone down the drain as he is better off buying a property with his wife with even more discount. I dont want to be pushed back to depression again and at the age of 37, i finally made up my mind to meet people like me and yes step out of the closet to meet other gay guys as i really need to find the correct type of love i needed. Luckily i am blessed to not age much but i am trying hard to catch up the many years of wasted time.

Reading on, the song quietly creeped in and playing in my mind. Yes, I've similar story too. 相约,失约,收拾心情,独自启程,寂寞公路每寸都伤痛。

 

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