Popular Post Wombat Posted December 30, 2016 Popular Post Report Share Posted December 30, 2016 With the year closing, I just want to get something off my chest. Not sure if it's appropriate to post this here but since it deals somewhat with my gay issue, so here I am. Not really a happy topic, do move on, least it spoils your mood Ma, I'm gay. It's so easy to say, now that you are not here. I had flirted with those words in my mind, but had decided long ago to stuff them deep inside me. You have had a hard life. Your cheating husband who suddenly died on you. A poorly educated widow with three young children. I was only five then and I still remember your tears and anguish like it was yesterday. I remember the days when you have to start your day at three-thirty in the morning and only to rest at ten in the night. The long and hungry days you endure, so that your children do not go hungry. I was 11, when you told me that of all my siblings, I am the one you will live with in the future. Since then, I have always picture myself marrying a caring wife and taking care of you into old age. But Ma.... I'm gay... and it's soul crushing. So I decided to be alone. And it's soul crushing. When brother and sister both got married, I looked at myself. And it's soul crushing. I'm sorry for the dark days of my depression and could not tell you why. It's a habit you see, of always having to guard a secret. Darks thoughts lingers in my heart and eats me from the within. Although I know you will accept me in the end, but the memory of your tears kept everything deep inside. I'm sorry for my resentment and the pain I caused you. I am not a good son. I am useless as a human being. For the last twenty years of my life, I wished I was never born. I was secretly preparing for my end, making sure you have minimal burdens when the time comes. I was going to leave you, in a most desparate and unfilial act. It was a long time in planning. Years of waiting for the right moment, when I can make sure you have best support after I'm gone. Just a few weeks before the my appointed time... you just fell ill and pass away... It's been 8 months now, I still cannot process. Oh fate, are you cruel or kind? I cannot tell. Ma, if you are listening. Hear me. Don't worry about me, I bear my darkness with pride, for I am human. You need to go towards the highest high, into the brightest light. Seek me out in lives after lives, when I am the strongest. Come to me then, and I shall give you the greatest of happiness you deserve. With Gratitude, Your son. upshot, forbidd3n, camus and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyglobe Posted December 30, 2016 Report Share Posted December 30, 2016 is sad but very real and touching.....perhaps your mum want u to live on so she departed before your plan take action.....everyone have the darkest secret that cannot be revealed but if u have care for her, then u r already a good son, life is hard, stay strong and live the fullest in this journey and your mum will bless you in heaven, 加油 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest lastdraw Posted December 30, 2016 Report Share Posted December 30, 2016 46 minutes ago, Wombat said: With the year closing, I just want to get something off my chest. Not sure if it's appropriate to post this here but since it deals somewhat with my gay issue, so here I am. Not really a happy topic, do move on, least it spoils your mood Ma, I'm gay. It's so easy to say, now that you are not here. I had flirted with those words in my mind, but had decided long ago to stuff them deep inside me. You have had a hard life. Your cheating husband who suddenly died on you. A poorly educated widow with three young children. I was only five then and I still remember your tears and anguish like it was yesterday. I remember the days when you have to start your day at three-thirty in the morning and only to rest at ten in the night. The long and hungry days you endure, so that your children do not go hungry. I was 11, when you told me that of all my siblings, I am the one you will live with in the future. Since then, I have always picture myself marrying a caring wife and taking care of you into old age. But Ma.... I'm gay... and it's soul crushing. So I decided to be alone. And it's soul crushing. When brother and sister both got married, I looked at myself. And it's soul crushing. I'm sorry for the dark days of my depression and could not tell you why. It's a habit you see, of always having to guard a secret. Darks thoughts lingers in my heart and eats me from the within. Although I know you will accept me in the end, but the memory of your tears kept everything deep inside. I'm sorry for my resentment and the pain I caused you. I am not a good son. I am useless as a human being. For the last twenty years of my life, I wished I was never born. I was secretly preparing for my end, making sure you have minimal burdens when the time comes. I was going to leave you, in a most desparate and unfilial act. It was a long time in planning. Years of waiting for the right moment, when I can make sure you have best support after I'm gone. Just a few weeks before the my appointed time... you just fell ill and pass away... It's been 8 months now, I still cannot process. Oh fate, are you cruel or kind? I cannot tell. Ma, if you are listening. Hear me. Don't worry about me, I bear my darkness with pride, for I am human. You need to go towards the highest high, into the brightest light. Seek me out in lives after lives, when I am the strongest. Come to me then, and I shall give you the greatest of happiness you deserve. With Gratitude, Your son. hey Wombat, Im sure your mum wants you to be happy. Just place her in your heart and remember her always. Take care!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coolbriz Posted December 30, 2016 Report Share Posted December 30, 2016 I'm sure you have written this message with a heavy heart and probably teared. It's indeed reflective of similar positions many of us are in (I guess). I'm certainly one. Thanks for sharing your experience and your beloved mom will bless you from above for she knows that you are her beloved son, someone she has never regretted bringing up and has never reserved giving you love. Take great care! Be cool, like a breeze... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wombat Posted December 31, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2016 Thank you all for your time and kind responses Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Ugly looking Gay Son Posted December 31, 2016 Report Share Posted December 31, 2016 28 minutes ago, Wombat said: Thank you all for your time and kind responses What is wrong with being Gay? Many gay son took care of their parents till their old age, and it was done out of filial piety and sincerity. Not every married couple can take care of their own parent. What if her son married a wife from hell, or her grandchildren borned retarded, I mean, won't all these pose a great hassle and inconveniences while you need to focus on caring for the sick elderly? Being single has more advantages than you think. At least, it brought peace and less expenses to worry about, not that every daughter-in-law are willing to foot the bill, more so when their school-going children have lots to worry about. Nobody is forcing you to live, but to die before your parent's eyes is as good as stabbing them in their heart while they are still breathing, or rather, why not kill them before you kill yourself so that they do not need to live to witness your sad ending. The article is as good as pouring out your dark secret and it should in no way condone your thought of committing suicide. Besides, other than orphan, who doesn't have parents and whose parents are immortal? It is a journey every single gay child will have to go through. Not everybody enjoy living if living serve no purpose, but at least try to live to write your story each day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest Posted December 31, 2016 Report Share Posted December 31, 2016 Don't underestimate the powerful instincts of mothers. She may have known all along without anything being said and had accepted it in her own way. Happypup 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Worried Posted December 31, 2016 Report Share Posted December 31, 2016 12 hours ago, Wombat said: With the year closing, I just want to get something off my chest. Not sure if it's appropriate to post this here but since it deals somewhat with my gay issue, so here I am. Not really a happy topic, do move on, least it spoils your mood Ma, I'm gay. It's so easy to say, now that you are not here. I had flirted with those words in my mind, but had decided long ago to stuff them deep inside me. You have had a hard life. Your cheating husband who suddenly died on you. A poorly educated widow with three young children. I was only five then and I still remember your tears and anguish like it was yesterday. I remember the days when you have to start your day at three-thirty in the morning and only to rest at ten in the night. The long and hungry days you endure, so that your children do not go hungry. I was 11, when you told me that of all my siblings, I am the one you will live with in the future. Since then, I have always picture myself marrying a caring wife and taking care of you into old age. But Ma.... I'm gay... and it's soul crushing. So I decided to be alone. And it's soul crushing. When brother and sister both got married, I looked at myself. And it's soul crushing. I'm sorry for the dark days of my depression and could not tell you why. It's a habit you see, of always having to guard a secret. Darks thoughts lingers in my heart and eats me from the within. Although I know you will accept me in the end, but the memory of your tears kept everything deep inside. I'm sorry for my resentment and the pain I caused you. I am not a good son. I am useless as a human being. For the last twenty years of my life, I wished I was never born. I was secretly preparing for my end, making sure you have minimal burdens when the time comes. I was going to leave you, in a most desparate and unfilial act. It was a long time in planning. Years of waiting for the right moment, when I can make sure you have best support after I'm gone. Just a few weeks before the my appointed time... you just fell ill and pass away... It's been 8 months now, I still cannot process. Oh fate, are you cruel or kind? I cannot tell. Ma, if you are listening. Hear me. Don't worry about me, I bear my darkness with pride, for I am human. You need to go towards the highest high, into the brightest light. Seek me out in lives after lives, when I am the strongest. Come to me then, and I shall give you the greatest of happiness you deserve. With Gratitude, Your son. Hey I think you should immediately turn to help if the thoughts of suicide still lingers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wombat Posted December 31, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2016 @"Ugly looking gay son" Not sure how to response, but I give it a try? First off. If anyone feels troubled or anything, do seek help. There is the hotlines you can find. I believe there's the Oogachaga that deals with lgbtq issues? Do get help, it will help alot, don't let problems spiral into the deep end (personal experience). Different perspective can be very powerful. Second. There's nothing wrong with being gay. That I know and feel deeply. My main issue then was how to resolve who I am with environment. Twenty years ago, things are different and information is limited. I could only rationalised my life in the view of my inclinations and poor knowledge. Third. Life is complex. Sexuality is just one of the many many things that color our lives. I post in the context of being gay, but obviously more factors are involved. They are just not that relevant here. Fourth. Thank you for your post. What you said, I thought many many times before. @Guest Maybe @Worried Thank you for your kindness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teatree Posted December 31, 2016 Report Share Posted December 31, 2016 My Mum left me two years ago but still come visiting in my dream. Haha, don't worry lah Mum. Leave it to karma if ever we will meet each other again in the next life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Noor Posted May 17, 2018 Report Share Posted May 17, 2018 Awww. Coincidentally read this thread while on my mother’s wake. I wish I had the courage to tell her before she is gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProMouth Posted May 17, 2018 Report Share Posted May 17, 2018 1 hour ago, Guest Noor said: Awww. Coincidentally read this thread while on my mother’s wake. I wish I had the courage to tell her before she is gone. Deepest condolences..May your mom RIP, take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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