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The courage to come out


Guest Jon

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I knew since i was young that i had special affections towards certain people of the same gender. I knew i was "different" from others but i also knew it wasnt something i can blatantly tell others about. I even tried denying my own sexual orientation but i realised it was futile trying to change who i really was.

There was days i planned to live as a "straight" person, there where days i thought i will be strong enough alone and there where days where i thought killing myself will be a better solution.  But i do not want to hurt people i care about, i do not want to see them hurting because of my choice. That's when i came up with the courage to come out to them when the time is right. I wanted to tell them who i really was instead of smiling pretentiously.

However, all that courage went into drain when my parents joked about how i better not be gay since i have never had a girlfriend. They have never being supportive of the LGBT community. Not just my parents but my whole extended family not supportive of it.

I have lived in my own bubble since forever. No one knew i was gay. No one knew i was hurting instead. No one knew i have suicidal thoughts everyday. I'm really tired...

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I agree with @mevius,  not many of us are lucky enough to come out and have people support you through. those who have extremely conservative parents, coming out to them can be your(and probably their) worst nightmare. The lack of understand about the LGBT community coupled with a strong belief of the past can create lots of mayhem for people like TS. Sometimes, you just need people you can trust to really be there for you and talk to. They can't solve your problems, but they can be there to provide some comfort and advice.

 

For me, I was fortunately enough that people that know about me, are very supportive and encouraging and some of them have gone thru ups and downs with me! 

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Sometimes, It NOT ABOUT COURAGE. It's about if you are READY and SURE to face up to what you truly want, what you stand for and thought it thru how much of the pro and cons you are willing to handle in doing so.

 

Once you are, you don't ever need courage, you just do it. Bit if there is more harm than good to come out of it, it's not courage you lack but because you are wise to know when to fight today or fight another day. As much as it is YOUR LIFE to do what you will, it is still interconnected to others dear to you and your livelihood (depending on where you are in the world).

 

You have an obligation to yourself more than to fulfill some (gay) group coming-out-and-be-counted agenda that's want you to do it for 'them'. You have a right to look for yourself and well being too. If you have a problem by doing so, how certain they will still be there to support you or let you face the fate of your decision for "taking one for the team" alone? It's not the first time such organisation or spokespeople can say one thing but when it happen in another country they are not in, the say silent about it or do no action.

You are NOT alone, staying in the closet. And coming out is not for everyone nor does not coming out means everything in your life is upside down. Think it thru, what part of your life you think is so important and worth doing so. Once you do so, there is no going back.
 

 

Edited by upshot
For clarity...and typo...

** Comments are my opinions, same as yours. It's not a 'Be-All-and-End-All' view. Intent's to thought-provoke, validate, reiterate and yes, even correct. Opinion to consider but agree to disagree. I don't enjoy conflicted exchanges, empty bravado or egoistical chest pounding. It's never personal, tribalistic or with malice. Frank by nature, means, I never bend the truth. Views are to broaden understanding - Updated: Nov 2021.

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If you are still financially dependent on your parents, you may want to factor the consequences of coming out to them. While the reality is depressing, coming out at a time when you are not independent enough may worsen the situation for you. You can start by coming out to close friends and family members, i.e. a sibling, cousin, etc. who may be more open minded, and accepting of you.

 

It is understandable that you do not wish to hurt the feelings of the ones you love and care about, the truth is you have no control over how they feel. You can be honest but if they have issue with the honesty, then the problem is with them. Not you. Wanting to control how others feel is something that you will not succeed, so learn to accept that. 

 

Unfortunately not every parent is open minded, and many in Singapore still believe that being gay is worse than being a murderer. Go figure that one out. Sometimes you need to take a step back and look at it from the parents' point of view. Very often, the reaction may be due to lack of education about human sexuality, religious beliefs or sometimes it is just socially programmed. Whatever the source of their problem is with homosexuality, it is not inherent but a learned fear/issue. 

 

There are support groups out there like Ooga Chaga etc. they have people whom you can talk to. You are not alone.

Love. 

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Guest Dave
2 hours ago, doncoin said:

If you are still financially dependent on your parents, you may want to factor the consequences of coming out to them. While the reality is depressing, coming out at a time when you are not independent enough may worsen the situation for you. You can start by coming out to close friends and family members, i.e. a sibling, cousin, etc. who may be more open minded, and accepting of you.

 

It is understandable that you do not wish to hurt the feelings of the ones you love and care about, the truth is you have no control over how they feel. You can be honest but if they have issue with the honesty, then the problem is with them. Not you. Wanting to control how others feel is something that you will not succeed, so learn to accept that. 

 

Unfortunately not every parent is open minded, and many in Singapore still believe that being gay is worse than being a murderer. Go figure that one out. Sometimes you need to take a step back and look at it from the parents' point of view. Very often, the reaction may be due to lack of education about human sexuality, religious beliefs or sometimes it is just socially programmed. Whatever the source of their problem is with homosexuality, it is not inherent but a learned fear/issue. 

 

There are support groups out there like Ooga Chaga etc. they have people whom you can talk to. You are not alone.

Being gay is worse than a murderer is a Christian belief. Christians see murderers as more open to repentence. On the other hand, Christians think gays are enjoying their sins and unwilling to repent. 

 

Many Christians who think that way also lack a classical education. The ancient Romans and Greeks have no issue with homosexuality until the Christian emperors Constantius ll and Constans outlawed same sex marriage in December 16, 342 AD. 

This law specifically outlaws marriages between men and reads as follows:

When a man “marries” in the manner of a woman, a “woman” about to renounce men, what does he wish, when sex has lost its significance; when the crime is one which it is not profitable to know; when Venus is changed into another form; when love is sought and not found? We order the statutes to arise, the laws to be armed with an avenging sword, that those infamous persons who are now, or who hereafter may be, guilty may be subjected to exquisite punishment. (Theodosian Code 9.7.3)

Will gays be hypocrites too and love the religion but hate the religious self-righteous?

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1 hour ago, Guest Dave said:

Being gay is worse than a murderer is a Christian belief. Christians see murderers as more open to repentence. On the other hand, Christians think gays are enjoying their sins and unwilling to repent. 

 

Many Christians who think that way also lack a classical education. The ancient Romans and Greeks have no issue with homosexuality until the Christian emperors Constantius ll and Constans outlawed same sex marriage in December 16, 342 AD. 

This law specifically outlaws marriages between men and reads as follows:

When a man “marries” in the manner of a woman, a “woman” about to renounce men, what does he wish, when sex has lost its significance; when the crime is one which it is not profitable to know; when Venus is changed into another form; when love is sought and not found? We order the statutes to arise, the laws to be armed with an avenging sword, that those infamous persons who are now, or who hereafter may be, guilty may be subjected to exquisite punishment. (Theodosian Code 9.7.3)

Will gays be hypocrites too and love the religion but hate the religious self-righteous?

 

Homosexuality is not something that was just invented. As you've pointed out, it goes back centuries, if not even before recorded history. 

 

Well for the parents who prefer murderous sons over gay ones, well it is their choice. While many of us may not see the logic, it is their choice. 

Love. 

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just live your life. 

because your parents, friends, all these people who seem so important now, they are going to be gone eventually.

the people who matter will find their way back into your life.

 

most parents are worried that a gay son means a failure in life, so work extra hard to show that you can be a success.

that it is not a demerit, but a blessing that you are gay.

 

one key thing is to also share that if they have grown to know and love you, it is because you are gay.

if you are straight, you will be a different person with different personality, thoughts, character. they are essentially asking for a stranger.

 

i had a friend who was so stressed in his 20s about being gay. one of his church mates found out, a group formed to counsel and change him.

he was almost exorcised, simply for being gay, as they believe the demonic sin within him is strong.

his parents found out, and asked him repeatedly why he chose to break the family unit. they ask him to become straight and rejoin the family.
 

all this was supposedly done "out of love".

fast forward 14 years, both parents are out of the picture - one died, one dementia. none of that church group even bother about him now,

even his closest friends once got married and kids, slowly phase out.

in the end, none of their judgement that they projected on him mattered. he wasted over a decade in hiding, trying to please others.

why? because he felt he needed to show them appreciation for the "love" they have for him.

 

today, he keep lamenting, "if only i learn to love myself more..."

🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑

 

 

 

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On 10/07/2017 at 2:13 PM, tomcat said:

 

he was almost exorcised, simply for being gay,

 

I lol at this while in the gym.

 

I can't help imagine the pastor sprinkling holy water at him n shouting, demon now depart.

Edited by fab

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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  • 6 months later...

Sorry for bringing up an old thread.

 

My mom found out I was gay when she saw me kissing my bf goodbye when I dropped him off at his office building - she happened to be there.

 

She then texted me to ask me out for a meal, and confronted me then (coz I no longer live with my family). I told her that yes, I'm gay, have you never suspected anything?

 

Mom didn't approve of what she perceived to be my choice in sexuality, but I realize that she, like a number of parents, will learn to live with it so long you ply them with money. Then you'll be viewed as the filial son who is still of use to them.

 

Sad but hard truth.

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2 minutes ago, zyjd said:

Sorry for bringing up an old thread.

 

My mom found out I was gay when she saw me kissing my bf goodbye when I dropped him off at his office building - she happened to be there.

 

She then texted me to ask me out for a meal, and confronted me then (coz I no longer live with my family). I told her that yes, I'm gay, have you never suspected anything?

 

Mom didn't approve of what she perceived to be my choice in sexuality, but I realize that she, like a number of parents, will learn to live with it so long you ply them with money. Then you'll be viewed as the filial son who is still of use to them.

 

Sad but hard truth.



yes, be the best son and human being you can be.

be someone she is proud to say is her son.

be the biggest success you can.

be someone who takes care of her and loves her unconditionally.

and then, once in a while, remind her that all these good things are possible because you are you.

if you were straight, you will be a completely different person with different thoughts, behaviour, and personality.

after a while, she will come to accept that the current you is the best version of you there is.

it took my family a long time, but eventually they got there.

in some moments of peace and calm discussion, it is also good to remind them that it is not a choice.

we did not choose to be born this way.

eventually, some of them will realise that existing in this world is harder for us, than it is for them.

suddenly, they will see - it is just their initial shock that prevents them from deeper understanding.

give it time, you can do it.




 

🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑

 

 

 

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On 08/07/2017 at 1:01 PM, Guest Jon said:

I knew since i was young that i had special affections towards certain people of the same gender. I knew i was "different" from others but i also knew it wasnt something i can blatantly tell others about. I even tried denying my own sexual orientation but i realised it was futile trying to change who i really was.

There was days i planned to live as a "straight" person, there where days i thought i will be strong enough alone and there where days where i thought killing myself will be a better solution.  But i do not want to hurt people i care about, i do not want to see them hurting because of my choice. That's when i came up with the courage to come out to them when the time is right. I wanted to tell them who i really was instead of smiling pretentiously.

However, all that courage went into drain when my parents joked about how i better not be gay since i have never had a girlfriend. They have never being supportive of the LGBT community. Not just my parents but my whole extended family not supportive of it.

I have lived in my own bubble since forever. No one knew i was gay. No one knew i was hurting instead. No one knew i have suicidal thoughts everyday. I'm really tired...

Goodness...you are such a snowflake..how old are you? You make it sound like being gay is such a dreaded thing. Go fuck yourself. The gay population do not need assholes like you.

 

You do need to flaunt yout sexuality to live a life. Do you see people telling strangers and relatives that their cocks fucks cheebye? 

 

Dumb fool.

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My Mum used to hound me relentlessly about why I am not married and why she had no grand children..... from me.

It was never ending...... and it just got me down.......and I was sick and tired of the bombardment.

 

 One day, whilst she was giving me one of her rants........I just said calmly, that..... I do not seem to have any success with the opposite sex and that I think.... that maybe I might be gay.

 

 Well, she went into overdrive and went on a rampage and she said that she knew me.. more than I knew myself... and that I was definately not gay and I should get that out of my mind. It went on an on about how she has known me since I was born and that she knows every little thing about me.

 

 She had the last word in that conversation and we have not discussed the subject ever since and that has been 30 years now.

I recently turned 57.

 

 I felt so good telling her at the time because it was done in such a 'matter of fact' way but at the same time I was judging myself and talking about myself and not her judging me and talking about me.

She came to my defence, like a good mum would.LOL

 

 I think she spent a lot of time  thinking about it..... in her own time.... and then she realised after a while that she no longer needed to continue with the subject.

 

I just thought I'd share in the hope that it might help some younger fellow that is going through the same situatation in the 21st century.

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6 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

Goodness...you are such a snowflake..how old are you? You make it sound like being gay is such a dreaded thing. Go fuck yourself. The gay population do not need assholes like you.

 

You do need to flaunt yout sexuality to live a life. Do you see people telling strangers and relatives that their cocks fucks cheebye? 

 

Dumb fool.

 

Oh,  don't be so hard on him.  His situation is not strange to many of us, and we empathize with him.

Instead, direct your ire to that scum of society that fools people into believing that there is something wrong with homosexuality.

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On 7/8/2017 at 12:01 AM, Guest Jon said:

 

I have lived in my own bubble since forever. No one knew i was gay. No one knew i was hurting instead. No one knew i have suicidal thoughts everyday. I'm really tired...

 

Now, this is more serious.

I assume that you are already an adult and self-sufficient.  

Think about HOW MUCH gratitude you owe to your parents and family.

I am a parent, and I have provided for my child  IN RETURN for what my parents gave me (only later in life I realize all what I owe them, but I realize that this is simply an emotional feeling, since my parents ALSO had some gratitude to pay and I was the recipient).  So I don't expect any retribution from my child, except that he is a good person.

 

Much, much more important than pay back the parents is to live in a way that makes us happy and even successful.  If your parents are reasonable, this is all what they want to see in you and get from you.  Otherwise they are selfish, and this makes them less deserving of your consideration.

 

If you are financially independent, you have the POWER to have a style of life that is as gay as you want to  (you may not want it to be too gay either), and all you need is to do it in good conscience, feeling that it is the right thing to do.  Maybe it helps if you think that by coming out and live the way that suits you, you give your parents, your family an opportunity to change their prejudiced thoughts and realize that homosexuals are good people too.  This is a contribution to society and, if you want, a help to your parents and family.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 06/02/2018 at 12:25 PM, tomcat said:



yes, be the best son and human being you can be.

be someone she is proud to say is her son.

be the biggest success you can.

be someone who takes care of her and loves her unconditionally.

and then, once in a while, remind her that all these good things are possible because you are you.

if you were straight, you will be a completely different person with different thoughts, behaviour, and personality.

after a while, she will come to accept that the current you is the best version of you there is.

it took my family a long time, but eventually they got there.

in some moments of peace and calm discussion, it is also good to remind them that it is not a choice.

we did not choose to be born this way.

eventually, some of them will realise that existing in this world is harder for us, than it is for them.

suddenly, they will see - it is just their initial shock that prevents them from deeper understanding.

give it time, you can do it.




 

Thank you tomcat 

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On 7/8/2017 at 1:01 PM, Guest Jon said:

No one knew i have suicidal thoughts everyday. I'm really tired...

Get out of this thoughts immediately! Life is more than that. I am in similar situation as u. Family very traditional and all straight friends. Dont think anyone in my circle can accept me if i come out. So i m glad of this forum as i found like minded frens to chat with. Register and join the community here. I am sure u can find your soulmates. There are many ppl living discreetly here so u dont have to be alone. Make a few frens and be stronger! 

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Learn to love, accept and appreciate yourself for who you are. If others can't, then do you really need them? 

 

If you are already suicidal, I don't see the harm in coming out. How much worst can it get than the current situation?

 

There's more in life than ones sexually orientation. 

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