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Disowning Parents/Cutting Off Ties


Guest Estranged
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Guest Estranged

Dear all,

 

I've been a lurker here for as long as I can remember, and as a naturally reserved person, find it hard to type out this out - but I need everyone's advice. It's gonna be pretty long, so I hope you, dear reader, can please bear with me.

 

The Father.

 

Since young, I never had a good relationship with my father. When I was a kid, he was physically abusive - if he had a bad day at work, we would all have an even worse evening at home. He practiced lots of double standards, such as "no reading newspapers during mealtimes, give the newspapers to me!" - and proceed to read the very papers he ordered us to hand over. During my teenage years, I rebelled - got into bad company, smoked, drank, "tonned" (no idea how to spell that local term for staying out overnight), got into fights with my teachers and schoolmates, generally earned a bad rep in school. Because I hit puberty early (I had my first erection in primary 2 - I kid you not), I was bigger than him when I was 15 years old, and he was up for a fair fight if he tried to get physically abusive. He then turned emotionally abusive, calling my school and friends whenever we had an argument or quarrel at home. He got my friend's mobile numbers by looking through my mobile phone when I was asleep - those were the days when Sony Ericsson T610s and K700s were in vogue and phones didn't have a password unlock function. He did the same thing throughout, even when I landed my first job at an SME, he once called my boss down to my house during a quarrel saying there's an emergency and he needed help. My boss rushed down to find me in tears and the house in a mess from the fight we had. I was very ashamed. He did the same thing too, to my church leaders - my cell leader was a school teacher, and he once made her stay in our house till 2 in the morning while he regaled her with embarrassing stories of what I did when I was young. I was even more ashamed then.

 

As such, I have become very withdrawn and reluctant to share any personal details of my life to anyone outside other than my closest friends who have watched me grow up and know the kind of person he is. I moved out of their house into my own place 3 years ago, and have never been happier. However, I still have flashbacks and nightmares of his abuse, and I often wake up either in cold sweat or screams and tears. I am extremely paranoid about letting anyone in my family know where I work now, for fear of him calling my office to embarrass me again should he be upset with me for whatever reason. Working in an events company, there are times some candid pictures of my colleagues and me end up on the company's Fb page, and I get so worried I immediately call the marketing department to beg them to take down my photo. Whenever we are at roadshows in shopping malls, I can't stop thinking about one of my family members spotting me in uniform and then telling my father about it. There was once I saw a distant aunt walking towards our booth, and I immediately fled the roadshow even though I was attending to a customer.

 

I've not spoken to him in 7 years, but the mere thought of him makes me repulsed and have nightmares all over again. There was once, I went back to their place to get some letters, and saw him the moment I walked into the house. I ran in, grabbed my letters, and made a dash for the car. I remember speeding all the way to my own home, gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white. I was filled with an inexplicable rage, and there's nothing more I wanted to do than to torture and see him die a slow and extremely painful death under my hands.

 

The Mother.

 

I'm on cordial terms with my mother, but because she's his wife, I don't tell her much about my life - she doesn't even know where I live nor what I'm working as. I do meet her for meals once every few months, mostly out of obligation and persuasion from her, but seeing her stirs up a quiet resentment in me too - I hate her for never standing up for me when my father got overboard with his abuse. I hate her for always telling me to "forgive him, he's your father after all". I hate her for playing a part in driving a wedge between my brothers and me (more on that later). I hate her for always being extremely calculative and stingy with money - growing up I never had a birthday present because "I already bought you a cake, that's your present.". <-- (I know this is a very 1st world problem to have, but my parents are loaded: my father is quite a prominent figure in society because of his business affiliations, and my mom is a dentist.) All my CNY angbao money was used to pay for my own school books every year, and if there was a shortfall, she'd lend me the money first, and deduct it from my (already measly) pocket money. I had to save up for my own shoes and uniforms, too.

 

Then again, I know some people will bash me and say that they had to go through the same, and didn't make any noise. But it's different, when you know your parents can afford a $2.20 Pilot Shaker mechanical pencil for your 10th birthday but resolutely refuse to give it to you.

 

So, while I am on cordial terms with her, I no longer have much affection toward my mum because I've held her at more-than-an-arm's-length for a long period.

 

The Brother.

 

My mother practiced cold wars with us a lot when we were growing up - whenever she was angry with us because we did something wrong, she wouldn't talk to us for a week. As such, my brothers and I picked that up really fast, and we've not talked since we were primary 1. Throughout our teenage years, my parents would both tell us to be careful of each other, saying that he was planning to do such-and-such to me, and vice versa, etc. This created a lot of animosity and wariness between the both of us, and we haven't spoken since. I opine my parents did that to ensure we did not gang up against them.

 

Even though we lived in the same house (albeit separate rooms) when we were younger, I am so dislocated from him that I don't even have his mobile number nor know what stage of life he's in (poly/uni/working etc.)

 

I know my family's dynamics are very weird. Haha.

 

--

 

I've been wanting to disown my family for the longest time, so I will finally be free from obligations like meeting my mother, attending CNY reunion dinners and weddings etc. I will also no longer think long and hard about putting my mom's contact as NOK for emergency purposes. My parents have said before that when I start working they want at least 20% of my salary as a form of gratitude to them for all the money spent raising me up but I completely refuse to, given our very strained relations. I have already changed the nominations in my CPF to people other than them, and have written a will to state that in no event should my family receive a single cent from my estate, but I am afraid that unless I make it publicly known that I have no relations to them anymore, there is a chance they will try to contest the will and CPF nomination. I also want my father to know that he will not have his firstborn at his deathbed or funeral (he's a buddhist, and apparently there's some importance of having all of one's children, especially the eldest son, at the funeral performing the rites). All my life, he's had the last laugh in all the arguments, quarrels, and fights we've had, but I sincerely hope to have the final laugh at the end of (his) day.

I can't seem to find any information on Singapore law that touches on disownment. Even as a kid I thought a lot about emancipation, but I didn't have the means to move out and prove that I am capable of providing for myself. Is there any way I can legally and publicly do so? My close friends have advised me against it because I am potentially losing out on my inheritance, but I don't give a rat's ass about the fat bank accounts or numerous properties my parents own - I have been completely independent since 16, and have absolutely no interest in living off money that I did not earn myself.

 

Thank you for reading, and I hope to have some sincere advice from my fellow gay comrades.

 

>Unfilial Son

 

P.S.: I have absolutely no interest of reconciliation or going for family therapy/counselling - we have tried it a few times and it was always ended up a spectacular failure.

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Guest Life is tough

Sorry for going through hell, my advice is to cut off ties by moving out and plan carefully for your future (retirement). It will be tough but as long as you have a well paid job should be no issue.

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I think your family may benefit from family counselling. Obviously there is a lot of resentment that has been accumulated. Abusers tend to have been abused themselves and it is a pattern. What you are going through is unfortunate, however to be truly healed, you need to figure out a way to make peace. Emancipation is just a legality, and it is not going to make you feel better than you are now. 

Love. 

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Guest You have Complex PTSD

Your parents are irresponsible and cruel arseholes. Two questions: are they aware you are gay? Are they homophobic people? You don’t need to take their shit.

 

You need EMDR therapy for your Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder accumulated while growing up under your parents’ assorted abuses. Google EMDR therapy and Complex PTSD.

 

After you are healed from your family trauma, you will be able to come to a better decision regarding what to do with them. Meanwhile, continue keeping them at arm’s length.

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Guest Guest

Some how I do n9t believe you want to disown them. You wrote such a long entry hoping that strangers will side with you and puah you to disown them.

 

To disown someone is easy. Stop all contact. Pay for an add in msm telling everyone that you, disown  your father, mother and brother.

 

But really..what is your problem again? You are the problem from what I read.

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Guest Guest

If your concern is that they may benefit from you financially, then don’t allow yourself to be. When you do go, your will will keep your assets beyond their reach. You are free to recite the above in your will to provide some context. To be doubly sure, make sure you have a doctor certifying your health and mental capacity when the will is made.

 

Finances aside, one thing I realise after almost 5 decades of life is, we only allow ourselves to be emotionally affected. There’s no need to cut ties, just build a relationship on your terms. If you don’t feel like attending a family gathering, just say no. However dysfunctional they are, there’s no need to end communication. It’s not as if they used criminal force on you.

 

One last thing, your brother may be in the same hurt and emotionally battered state. Have you given him a chance? It’s true we don’t choose our relatives, but to be brothers is a kind of 缘分. Reach out, talk, and see if there’s a chance you could have a real fraternal relationship on your terms.

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Use cny period as an excuse to go on a holiday. 

Decline all family gatherings and be invisible. 

Sunce you were emotionally blackmailed as a child, time to do the same back. No need to cut ties. Just continue living, but on your own terms. 

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You have been going through a lot. despite your prespective of your family been nothing but trouble for you. There may not have been love ?and they did their responsibilies ( in their own terms maybe) that they did actually cloth, feed , live under their roof and gave you an education.

Maybe as an adult right now, you can see  they may have been raised in a different upbringing . 

You also may not be an angel yourself ,  despite they did not actually kick you up or leave you unsheltered. take it or leave it, when you focus on the negatives the whole world against me feeling feel like a large hole in your heart. 

What you are thinking is legal saperation from your family.

You can don't meet them in person but do not shirk your responsibilities to them. 

Think of all the times your mum cook a dinner for you and your brother. Your father working OTs to support the family. It is fractured and not perfect family but still your family

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Perhaps you may want to consider first of all, personal healing.  It is obvious you have much hurt feelings and past baggage and there is a need, I personally feel, that you off load all of these in order to move on with your life.  Your life is precious so live it well.  Seek help from either someone you look up to like a church pastor or priest.  Otherwise seek professional help but they don't come cheap.  Once you have sorted out your own feelings then work on the next step which is reconciliation with your parents and brother.  This is the more difficult part but once you have settled your own emotions, it will definitely be easier but not easy.

 

After you have reconciled with them then you make your decision what route you wish to take for the future - to return and make the best of a difficult situation or to forgive them but continue to live your independent life without any more hurt, whichever suits you better. 

 

Our family is a gift and I don't think divorcing them is a solution.

Suck my tits and I'll lick your balls.

Lick my arse and I'll suck your cock.

All in sex is fair.

 

The only bad thing about sex is that it doesn't last long enough.

 

Read my blog - www.anasianjourney.blogspot.com

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Reserved with that long paragraphs and detailing every incidents :)  Interesting .  

I am also very reserved and shy , but I am an exhibitionist , how about that :)

 

Rule-of-thumb , things that dont make sense are usually not true ! 

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Hi Estranged,

 

Like Kimlo, I would advise against officially divorcing yourself from your family. You have already done what you could, in terms of the will and CPF nomination. I don't think they can contest that, should that day come.

 

But if your mind is made up, then you can consult a lawyer about what you can do. One thing I can recommend regarding your dad is to get a PPO against him. This will make it harder for him to harass you at work or anywhere. Again, I am not a legal expert so do speak to a lawyer about this option.

 

You know, your story reminds me a lot of another BW member: Marky. He used to post very good stories under the thread, Marky's Stories. I think he doesn't come here often now though. 

 

But anyway, no matter what, I hope you can forgive your dad. Forgiving doesn't mean letting him continue to abuse you, and it doesn't mean you have to move back home, or invite him to move in with you. Forgiving means you leave his "punishment" part to God, and don't take it into your hands to torture him, or hurt him back for what he did.

 

Forgiving doesn't mean that within 24 hours you will suddenly feel very warm and fuzzy whenever you think about your dad. No. You will still feel hurt and painful. But the healing for your own heart, mind, and spirit can begin slowly.

 

I believe that as your dad gets older, his capacity to hurt you will lessen, as he gets more frail. So gradually, you need not fear if he knows where you work. But I understand if you want to keep it from him for now.

 

I can't judge you for anything you have shared as yours is quite a hard situation. But at least you've got your own place now  :D   I am still living with my abusive dad, and over this Easter weekend he was up to his nonsense again, trying to upset my mum and I. Good thing my mum and I are united, so neither of us gave in.

 

But every now and then, we will have to tolerate his temper tantrums, drinken rages, drunk texting, etc. When I was growing up, I hear my friends say that their father plays golf with them, or helped them to develop their interests and hobbies. My own father doesn't even know what my hobbies are, nor does he care. 

 

I remember when I was in primary four, I wanted to buy a certain scientific item from Toys-R-Us. At that age, most kids would be a bit scared to ask the sales staff by themselves. My dad just stood on the spot, and told me to go and ask the sales staff myself if they had the item I wanted. He didn't even bother to go with me, even though as a kid, I was pretty nervous about asking a sales staff. He just stood there and waited, as if going with me was a waste of his time. 

 

All throughout my life he was like that. He always tried to give the barest minimum in terms of his time, attention, love, etc. If we had any kind of pain, or fears, or anxieties, he would always brush it off with: "Aiyah, it's nothing one lah!"

 

But when he himself has something bothering him, no matter how trivial, he would demand that my mum and I listen to him grumble and complain non-stop, and expect full sympathy and support from us. And at the end of every complain session from him, he would make it sound like because of his problems, we were going to suffer big-time for it.

 

E.g. If he complains about his head of department at work, he will end off with something like, "I think he/she is trying to get me fired. Then who's gonna pay for the household utilities, food, etc.?"

 

So no matter what bad thing he is having, he will always end up making us feel very stressed and anxious because according to him, we would suffer eventually. 

 

I remember in primary 6, I wanted to apply for the MPH card, because I loved to read and as a member, you can get discount on books. So at the MPH store, again, he told me to go to the counter myself to ask for the application form. Then he walked away to look at his own thing.

 

I remember being very nervous when I approached the counter. Anyway, I got the form, and I happily filled it out when we got home, and showed it to my dad to ask him for a $3 cheque for the membership fee.

 

He then said, "Aiyah, this type of thing not important one lah. Don't need to apply. Not necessary." 

 

(You can tell that when my dad talks to us, he always uses as few words as possible, like talking to us was a waste of his breath and energy.)

 

I was so hurt and upset that I nearly tore up the form. But in the end, my mum wrote the cheque for me. And this is the same dad who would happily apply for numerous credit cards so that he could splurge on his mistress (we found out later).

 

And this is the same dad who would berate my mum by bragging that his salary was higher than hers cos his educational level was higher. But apparently $3 is too much to ask for his own son . . . 

 

At every milestone of my life, e.g. first part-time job, uni graduation, first permanent job, etc., he would always create a scene and stir up a lot of unhappiness, and spoil a happy occasion with his paranoia or bitter complaints and accusations against my mum, her relatives, and I.

 

When my cousin passed away, he was the only person to show up at the funeral drunk. Although he did not say anything to anyone (he is usually careful not to look bad in public), it was very obvious from his facial expression and body language that he was very drunk.

 

Although all my relatives pretended not to notice, I felt so ashamed of having such a father. I see all my cousins' fathers and none of them are like mine . . . .

 

Sorry; got carried away.

 

 

Anyway, continue to focus on making your life happy, fulfilling and fun-filled. You didn't choose your parents, and you cannot change your parents. But you can choose the road you walk from now on.

 

I love this song by Enya, and I think you should listen to it too, because at 0:35, she says:

 

"You cannot change what's over,

But only where you go."

 

 

Take care, bro!

 

(Sorry if my advice is not sufficient to answer everything that you are facing.)

Edited by CKW
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Guest Me too
6 hours ago, kimlo777 said:

Perhaps you may want to consider first of all, personal healing.  It is obvious you have much hurt feelings and past baggage and there is a need, I personally feel, that you off load all of these in order to move on with your life.  Your life is precious so live it well.  Seek help from either someone you look up to like a church pastor or priest.  Otherwise seek professional help but they don't come cheap.  Once you have sorted out your own feelings then work on the next step which is reconciliation with your parents and brother.  This is the more difficult part but once you have settled your own emotions, it will definitely be easier but not easy.

 

After you have reconciled with them then you make your decision what route you wish to take for the future - to return and make the best of a difficult situation or to forgive them but continue to live your independent life without any more hurt, whichever suits you better. 

 

Our family is a gift and I don't think divorcing them is a solution.

Are u nuts? If ur family gives u a hard life, tat is a gift?

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Sorry that you were born into such a family, and grew up not experiencing what every child is entitled to.  But I guess, it could be worse.

Anyway, I do agree with some of the above comments..... you need to heal yourself, and put this behind you.

Seeing a psychologist would be a great idea, maybe the problem would be finding the right one.

 

I don't believe in the crap about needing to be good to the parents just because they gave you life. 

 

Good luck!

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Guest Twilight Years

All the suffering n trauma u experienced happened when u were young n vulnerable. All that is over. U are now an adult, strong n in full possession of ur physical, emotional ,  intellectual n cognitive powers.All u need to do is to walk the path of correct,positive,wise n fulfilling growth for the many years ahead!The power to do so is in u! Use ur head/mind to search for the truth in this world n life n use ur heart to love anything u  find good n beautiful. Fix ur mind n feelings on ur goals to live  n do what is good n right n beautiful. Dont be distracted by negative feelings n outside opinions! Love what u can love n struggle to grasp the  Truth of this Cosmos n u will find happiness/ joy generated from within u.From now on u are no longer the victim!  u are the master of ur destiny. The answer to change ur  life does not lie in legalities nor reliving ur hurts. It lies  in a correct n positive path of growth that all humans can freely search for n steadfastly  keep on going.U have the advantage of  being financially independent now. This is crucial in  our free market society.Keep on reading  n asking to search for the Truth n keep on loving with an open heart! Ur twilight years shall be like mine! Free in thought n wisdom n full in joys to share with all!

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I won't presume to fully understand your situation and what you have gone through, because some of these experiences and emotions I believe are too difficult to put into words or describe.

 

If I understand you correctly you are concerned about laws that dictate that a child must provide for their parents in their old age ( The Maintenance of Parents act?), and given your experience with your "abusive" (parentheses only to quote you, not to doubt you) father and what seems like an emotionally removed mother, you don't want anything to do with them i.e you are working towards legal estrangement from your family.

 

Can I suggest you take a look at what NCSS has to offer (link below) as their family counselling services will be able to work with you to sort out your thoughts and plans, and perhaps advise you on the next step to take.

 

https://www.ncss.gov.sg/GatewayPages/Social-Services/Families/Counselling-Services

 

All the best!

Edited by Toby
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Guest Amen!

From what you've written, are they even your parents?  Did you check with them whether you are their true children?

 

Sometime, first impression that you've directly or indirectly created for your parents during your childhood plays an important role why you were treated as such. Resulted in their favoritism towards others or not trusting their wealth on you, for fear of you mingling with bad influencers at the outside world,which could have complicated the whole affair.  They can't read your mind and you can't read theirs. 

 

To each their own.  So instead of taking actions, why not let things move along quietly.  Your parents will grow old someday and so will your brother.  Inheritance or not is seconday, what is yours will be yours whether even when you rejected them.   You will eventually live alone when your kins are no longer around, which is why I say let things move along quietly.   As of now, no need to seek legality matter,   you have already "disowned" them by moving out and became a free man staying on your own. 

 

Warning:  Do not alter your CPF's will for strangers.  Leave it empty and let the real estate sort out for you.  Being a Christian, as you've mentioned,  I am sure you should have learned to walk out of the shadow by now.  Let God deal with your inner battle, and rest comfortably on his laurel, otherwise Jesus would have died in vain seeing you suffer.

 

 

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Guest Stronger

I did not go through what you’ve experienced but my father was not an angel either. He left us when I was 9, and I’m grateful that he has his new family outside whereby I do not have to live with him any longer.

 

To TS, you have finally grown up! You are living on your own and capable to be doing so. I assume you don’t need your family inheritance as well and I think what you are doing now is enough. There’s no need to keep in touch with your father, and meeting up with your mum for a meal once in a while will do. 

 

I believe if you continue to keep bare minimum contact with them, and find a hobby/life partner will subsequently relief your hatred towards them.

 

You have to take the first step to not let the trauma continue to haunt you. I know it’s not easy to do so, but it has been past. Your father can no longer do any harm to you as I believe you are able to protect yourself since you have grown up. You do not need him financially and physically too. 

 

I sincerely wish you are able to go through this and live your own life perfectly. Cheers!

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Guest Estranged

Dear all,

 

Thank you very much for your concern and input.

 

I have been seeking psychiatric help for the past 2 and a half years, shortly after moving into my own place. I first went to a polyclinic to get some mood stabilizers due to stress at work - I was getting panic attacks and sleepless nights. He then referred me to a shrink, who in turn referred me to a psychologist she would work with on my case. For 2 years, I was on quite a high dose of fluoxetine (Prozac), and due to the weight gain it caused she recently switched me to bupropion (Wellbutrin).

 

The psychologist has determined that most of the emotional problems I face stem from my family - apparently I'm a very emotionally repressed person: I've been seeing him for about 2 years now, and all along I could recount to him the numerous things my parents did to me without much emotions, and I only broke down in tears a month ago. Apparently it's a small step toward getting past the armor that I've built up around myself. I've asked him about legal estrangement, but he has not much clue about it and advised me to speak to a lawyer.

 

My family has been to counselling quite a number of times, but while the father is always present, he makes it a point to shut me off every time I speak about the issues and unhappiness I have towards him to the counsellor, and as a successful businessman he is quite good at charming the socks off people. Most counsellors would fall for his tricks and stories, but 2 incidents come to mind: I recently reconnected with the probation officer/counsellor I had as a youth, and she asked me how my family was doing. She then mentioned that my father was one of the nastiest and most cunning parent she's ever had to work with, and was glad to hear I moved out from his home. Another time was years back, when a policeman was at our house (the neighbors would call the police during our fights because they were always afraid someone's life was in danger), and one of the responders pulled me into the kitchen and told me to leave him alone: everyone can see he's a mad and unreasonable person, and I should leave it in the hands of God and the universe to deal with him. I recall being shellshocked when these 2 people shared what they thought with me: someone actually saw through him!

 

I typed such a long post out not to get support from strangers to push me to disown my family, but more to ask how I can do it. The long post was to justify the reasons behind my want to disown them because there were times people thought I was overreacting to a few cases of parental discipline dished out by my parents. Yes, I do admit that I am part of the problem, for I am no angel: I bear grudges very easily, and can be very vindictive and vicious with my words when angered. I know it is my fault for not being able to forgive (maybe, at this time) what some might deem as rather minor, because... aren't there worse fathers out there who are alcoholics, gamblers, or sexual abusers, yet the child still forgives him and has a good relationship with him when he grows up? Why can't you?

 

I don't know how to respond or what to reply to those questions. The problems I have are but a shadow of what those sexually abused have to go through, but they do seem real and insurmountable, hence my want to be free from them.

 

One of the reasons why I want to disown them, is like what one of you mentioned about parental maintenance. While it's rather unlikely for them to come after me for support because they really need it, I am uncomfortable with that option being there for them to choose should they so wish. The other reason would be because I thought I'd finally be free from them, and have the invisible weight I've been carrying all these years lifted off my shoulders. But what you guys said is true: disowning them probably wouldn't change how I feel about them.

 

Mum knows I'm gay: she saw my ex-bf sending me home a few times, and found out when she saw me kissing him goodbye in his car. The father suspects, but I don't really care if he knows or doesn't - his opinion really means nothing to me. My mum did say that she doesn't approve of what she perceived to be a choice in my sexuality, but I shot back a "what can you do about it? Disown me?" and she went quiet.

 

I am definitely my parent's son: Many people, to my indignance, have commented that I am a spitting image of my father. But the adage that blood runs thicker than water is certainly not true in my case: I am much closer emotionally to the group of close friends I have than to my own kith and kin. Even though I am happily attached and have a wonderful group of friends who have my back, living by myself does make me feel very alone sometimes. My colleagues always talk about the hot dinners awaiting them at home and spending time with their kids or parents, while all I have is a chihuahua for company and love. My apartment, while proudly mine and mine alone, does feel very big, empty, and devoid of life.


Oh well. I've started to digress. Apologies for the ramble... seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist helps me with my emotions but it doesn't really help with getting my thoughts in order.

Dear all,

 

Thank you very much for your concern and input.

 

I have been seeking psychiatric help for the past 2 and a half years, shortly after moving into my own place. I first went to a polyclinic to get some mood stabilizers due to stress at work - I was getting panic attacks and sleepless nights. He then referred me to a shrink, who in turn referred me to a psychologist she would work with on my case. For 2 years, I was on quite a high dose of fluoxetine (Prozac), and due to the weight gain it caused she recently switched me to bupropion (Wellbutrin).

 

The psychologist has determined that most of the emotional problems I face stem from my family - apparently I'm a very emotionally repressed person: I've been seeing him for about 2 years now, and all along I could recount to him the numerous things my parents did to me without much emotions, and I only broke down in tears a month ago. Apparently it's a small step toward getting past the armor that I've built up around myself. I've asked him about legal estrangement, but he has not much clue about it and advised me to speak to a lawyer.

 

My family has been to counselling quite a number of times, but while the father is always present, he makes it a point to shut me off every time I speak about the issues and unhappiness I have towards him to the counsellor, and as a successful businessman he is quite good at charming the socks off people. Most counsellors would fall for his tricks and stories, but 2 incidents come to mind: I recently reconnected with the probation officer/counsellor I had as a youth, and she asked me how my family was doing. She then mentioned that my father was one of the nastiest and most cunning parent she's ever had to work with, and was glad to hear I moved out from his home. Another time was years back, when a policeman was at our house (the neighbors would call the police during our fights because they were always afraid someone's life was in danger), and one of the responders pulled me into the kitchen and told me to leave him alone: everyone can see he's a mad and unreasonable person, and I should leave it in the hands of God and the universe to deal with him. I recall being shellshocked when these 2 people shared what they thought with me: someone actually saw through him!

 

I typed such a long post out not to get support from strangers to push me to disown my family, but more to ask how I can do it. The long post was to justify the reasons behind my want to disown them because there were times people thought I was overreacting to a few cases of parental discipline dished out by my parents. Yes, I do admit that I am part of the problem, for I am no angel: I bear grudges very easily, and can be very vindictive and vicious with my words when angered. I know it is my fault for not being able to forgive (maybe, at this time) what some might deem as rather minor, because... aren't there worse fathers out there who are alcoholics, gamblers, or sexual abusers, yet the child still forgives him and has a good relationship with him when he grows up? Why can't you?

 

I don't know how to respond or what to reply to those questions. The problems I have are but a shadow of what those sexually abused have to go through, but they do seem real and insurmountable, hence my want to be free from them.

 

One of the reasons why I want to disown them, is like what one of you mentioned about parental maintenance. While it's rather unlikely for them to come after me for support because they really need it, I am uncomfortable with that option being there for them to choose should they so wish. The other reason would be because I thought I'd finally be free from them, and have the invisible weight I've been carrying all these years lifted off my shoulders. But what you guys said is true: disowning them probably wouldn't change how I feel about them.

 

Mum knows I'm gay: she saw my ex-bf sending me home a few times, and found out when she saw me kissing him goodbye in his car. The father suspects, but I don't really care if he knows or doesn't - his opinion really means nothing to me. My mum did say that she doesn't approve of what she perceived to be a choice in my sexuality, but I shot back a "what can you do about it? Disown me?" and she went quiet.

 

I am definitely my parent's son: Many people, to my indignance, have commented that I am a spitting image of my father. But the adage that blood runs thicker than water is certainly not true in my case: I am much closer emotionally to the group of close friends I have than to my own kith and kin. Even though I am happily attached and have a wonderful group of friends who have my back, living by myself does make me feel very alone sometimes. My colleagues always talk about the hot dinners awaiting them at home and spending time with their kids or parents, while all I have is a chihuahua for company and love. My apartment, while proudly mine and mine alone, does feel very big, empty, and devoid of life.


Oh well. I've started to digress. Apologies for the ramble... seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist helps me with my emotions but it doesn't really help with getting my thoughts in order.

 

And to all that have wished me well and best of luck, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

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I'm also estranged with my family and had not seen/talked to them for years already. So I feel for your situation.

 

As for legally disowning your family, that was something I considered initially too but did not get legal advice in the end. Frankly, chances are you will outlive your parents, so that part about them contesting your will/CPF nomination is moot point. Also, chances are, your parents won't sue you for maintenance either, as they are well off and dun need your support. Also, for people of their social status, won't they be embarassed/ashamed that they have to sue their own son for maintenance? No? 

 

At the end of the day, what is important is that I'm free of my family and free to lead my life as I wish. I changed my address, mobile no. etc, so they cannot contact me. Although SG is a small place, chances of bumping into them is pretty low, so I dun let that worry me (much). 

 

It seems to me that your occasional meetups with your mum is your only connection to your family now. She will constantly remind you of the past. If that's really not what u want, then the choice is obvious.

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  • 8 months later...
Guest Guest

No matter how badly treated by my own family, I can't disown them. I would let karma do its own thing

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How's your brother relationship with your dad?

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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The TS has received plenty of good advice.   If he is still around,  I wish him that his emotional problems have died out and that he is now able to function without help from mental health professionals and drugs.  It can be good for him if he takes himself less seriously, and even mixes in some humor.  He should look around the world and realize that his upbringing also had its blessings, compared to the upbringing of other people.  I have never known my father, he died when I was a baby, and as a young person I would have given everything for having had a father!  But time heals such wounds, and I have learned that WE ARE NOT our childhood, we are what we make out of ourselves, and we can even REMAKE our childhood.

 

For the so strongly embedded idea that we owe much to our parents for them having raised us,  there is a simple counterargument:  what we give to our children is the payback for what we received from our parents.  The TS owes NOTHING to his parents, who simply payed back to him what they had received themselves from their parents. Our feelings of retribution to our parents should come exclusively for the LOVE AND LOVING CARE they gave us.  When this was missing, like the case of the TS,  there is nothing to pay back. 

 

The TS should be by now an empowered independent individual able to make a decent living by himself, and is surrounded by an environment of friends he has made himself. So his past legal and economic dependence from his parents IS OVER.  They have now zero power over him.  I know little of Singapore's laws, but even if they would one day try to force him to help them, he could refuse and argue in his favor the abuses he received from his father, if he hopefully keeps good records of his life. 

 

And so, he does not need to disown them.  He does not even have to run away from them.  Is there some law in the books that can prevent his father from interfering in his life to harm him, like calling his employer and defame him with libel and slander?   He does not need to hide from his family.  If his father is around and comes near, he should not move one inch but "stand his ground",  and tell him whatever he feels telling him.  He should be by now much stronger than him, and if not, he should learn a martial art.

 

Once the TS has put his negative emotions under control and disarm them,  he could coexist with his family but in a position of STRENGTH.  Surely some of them like him, and those who don't should be unable to act against him.  He should try to reestablish contact with his siblings, his brother.  Who knows how they were affected by their father?  Maybe he could be of help to them?

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Guest ffffffff

The father is especially diabolical

the mom is like those who watch their daughter get raped but never say/do anything.

Whatever you feel like doing, just do it.

 

So many unsympathetic replies.

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  • 4 months later...
Guest Marc

I feel you. My mother before her death was alway mad at me and always beat me because she always think that I let my younger died. We were playing in the woods and entered a little cave. Then rain came and we were stuck inside and water rushed until we got drowned. I managed to be alive by getting air through a pocket of hole. I didn't know what was happening withy brother. It was too dark. Then the rain stopped and the water receded. My brother was already gone. I got help from passersby and when I got home, started the blaming instead of gettiing a hug. Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to years. Every day she scolded me, beat me. My father did only a little to shield me. He didn't talk about it directly but I can feel.that he was also blaming me. I can't take it anymore, I moved out of the house when I was 18. Leave with friends. Transferred house to house many times. When I graduated, I moved to the US and joined army for a while. I didn't like it so much and then I moved to London and worked in a museum. Didn't bother what happened already to my parents. Then one day I got a news from friend that my mother is already dead. I went back to Singapore but I didn't enter home even though my father was asking me to come in. I stood outside our house for an hour and then I left and went back to London after 5 days. I already cut ties to my father and other relatives. I met a guy from Melbourne, 10 years older than me. We get along well and we became partner for 2 years now. Past is past and I don't regret cutting ties to those people who only brought miseries to my file.

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On 5/9/2022 at 12:28 AM, Guest Marc said:

I feel you. My mother before her death was alway mad at me and always beat me because she always think that I let my younger died. We were playing in the woods and entered a little cave. Then rain came and we were stuck inside and water rushed until we got drowned. I managed to be alive by getting air through a pocket of hole. I didn't know what was happening withy brother. It was too dark. Then the rain stopped and the water receded. My brother was already gone. I got help from passersby and when I got home, started the blaming instead of gettiing a hug. Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to years. Every day she scolded me, beat me. My father did only a little to shield me. He didn't talk about it directly but I can feel.that he was also blaming me. I can't take it anymore, I moved out of the house when I was 18. Leave with friends. Transferred house to house many times. When I graduated, I moved to the US and joined army for a while. I didn't like it so much and then I moved to London and worked in a museum. Didn't bother what happened already to my parents. Then one day I got a news from friend that my mother is already dead. I went back to Singapore but I didn't enter home even though my father was asking me to come in. I stood outside our house for an hour and then I left and went back to London after 5 days. I already cut ties to my father and other relatives. I met a guy from Melbourne, 10 years older than me. We get along well and we became partner for 2 years now. Past is past and I don't regret cutting ties to those people who only brought miseries to my file.

 

Good for you.  Have much success with your new life, and a long partnership with your friend.  Any thought of adopting children and giving them what you didn't have?

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Guest Wonder

What to do if your parents are very very SELFISH and SHALLOW?

 

I mean, like the typical kiasi and mindless Singaporean.

 

And passive aggressive some more.

 

Is cutting ties the only solution?

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On 5/10/2022 at 6:03 AM, Guest Wonder said:

What to do if your parents are very very SELFISH and SHALLOW?

 

I mean, like the typical kiasi and mindless Singaporean.

 

And passive aggressive some more.

 

Is cutting ties the only solution?

 

Educate them cordially.

 

Blind filial piety is foolish.

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

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Guest Try and See
On 5/9/2022 at 1:28 PM, Guest Marc said:

I feel you. My mother before her death was alway mad at me and always beat me because she always think that I let my younger died. We were playing in the woods and entered a little cave. Then rain came and we were stuck inside and water rushed until we got drowned. I managed to be alive by getting air through a pocket of hole. I didn't know what was happening withy brother. It was too dark. Then the rain stopped and the water receded. My brother was already gone. I got help from passersby and when I got home, started the blaming instead of gettiing a hug. Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to years. Every day she scolded me, beat me. My father did only a little to shield me. He didn't talk about it directly but I can feel.that he was also blaming me. I can't take it anymore, I moved out of the house when I was 18. Leave with friends. Transferred house to house many times. When I graduated, I moved to the US and joined army for a while. I didn't like it so much and then I moved to London and worked in a museum. Didn't bother what happened already to my parents. Then one day I got a news from friend that my mother is already dead. I went back to Singapore but I didn't enter home even though my father was asking me to come in. I stood outside our house for an hour and then I left and went back to London after 5 days. I already cut ties to my father and other relatives. I met a guy from Melbourne, 10 years older than me. We get along well and we became partner for 2 years now. Past is past and I don't regret cutting ties to those people who only brought miseries to my file.

What the heck! I think I watched this before. Is this a movie plot?

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