bi/aj and happily married now?

[Guest lastdraw]

hi, 

 

im bi (more aj thou), but am lately thinking of succumbing to settling down with a girl.

interested to hear from fellow bi/aj who are currently married, about your personal experience. 

 

for you guys who are now married (but are obviously still curious about guys hence reading this hah), 

- what struggles did you face? 

- how did you get past your own self? 

- hows things now? 

- any random thoughts/tips/advice

 

thanks for much in advance for sharing

and pls, no troll. save yourself the time and do something more meaningful yeah

Edited April 14, 2018 by lastdraw

[tinkymale]

7 minutes ago, lastdraw said:

hi, 

 

im bi (more aj thou), but am lately thinking of succumbing to settling down with a girl.

interested to hear from fellow bi/aj who are currently married, about your personal experience. 

 

for you guys who are now married (but are obviously still curious about guys hence reading this hah), 

- what struggles did you face? 

- how did you get past your own self? 

- hows things now? 

- any random thoughts/tips/advice

 

thanks for much in advance for sharing

and pls, no troll. save yourself the time and do something more meaningful yeah

If you are not ready, pls don’t...

you may not be happy and suffer in silence since you have committed that path... you will keep asking yourself why and each time u see guys u fancy, u just want to drop all of it. Then u fear the guilt to the gal.

so if u are not ready, don’t.

[Ben Ben Ben]

God bless you 

[manehiso]

2 hours ago, tinkymale said:

If you are not ready, pls don’t...

you may not be happy and suffer in silence since you have committed that path... you will keep asking yourself why and each time u see guys u fancy, u just want to drop all of it. Then u fear the guilt to the gal.

so if u are not ready, don’t.

How does one know when one is ready? 

[Demz]

Cheating is now reclassified not only in physical but also emotional affair...some say emotional affair is much worse. 

[Guest :-(]

Please don't be selfish and marry a girl to ruin her life if you're not straight enough to make her happy. She deserves someone who will love her forever. You're bi (more aj somemore), so be responsible. Worst if you have kids and later to realize you prefer a handsome gorgeous hunk. Broken marriage and family is one of the worst mistakes one can ever make. This is a lifetime commitment, not a job you can quit and take on another one whenever you're unhappy 

 

I may be a guest but I speak only the truth. Now you can hate me for telling you what you don't like to hear...

[sum1outhere_03]

Before you want to make some conclusions, check out other stories that other have experienced...

https://www.womenpartners.org.au/a-womans-story-i-married-a-gay-man/

 

Sara Hirst spoke about her marriage to rugby league player Keegan Hirst, the captain of the UK’s Batley Bulldogs club, after he revealed he was gay Photo: SUNDAY MIRROR

More in our ‘sharing stories’ series for women partners of same sex attracted men. In this article a UK woman writes about her husband being gay in the UK’s The Telegraph, September 2015        

Like Mrs Keegan Hirst, I married a gay man

When Keegan Hirst became the first rugby league player to come out as gay, I was thrilled for him. But my heart also went out to his wife.

By Anonymous, 7 September 2015

When Keegan Hirst became the first active professional rugby league player to come out as gay, I was thrilled for him. As the likes of Emma Watson and Stephen Fry applauded the 27 year-old’s courage, I waved my metaphorical rainbow flag from the sidelines. But my heart also went out to his wife.

For she is now part of a group of which I am myself a member – a straight woman who, unwittingly, married a gay man.

There are a lot of us out there, but this surprisingly large community is as closeted as any 19th-century MP. As our spouses are praised for coming out, supported by a well-organised community – Hirst got a roar of approval last month when he was brought on stage by Sir Ian McKellen at Manchester’s Mardi Gras – we often find ourselves feeling more isolated than ever.

Just as the life we thought we had evaporates, we have to face some painful questions, not least: “Surely you must have known?”

My first inkling that something was amiss came 15 years ago, and it was nothing short of a bombshell

In 1992, I met my husband at work. We were both single, in our late 20s, and had had several previous relationships. It didn’t occur to me to question his sexuality when one day he asked me out.

We went for a meal, and ended the night with a pretty good snog on my doorstep. It wasn’t long before we were an item. We told our colleagues, met each other’s friends, went on holiday together – once with some gay friends of mine, who didn’t suspect a thing either.

We dated for four years before getting married, in a church surrounded by all our families. I sold my London flat and gave up my job to set up a home with him in the country.

At no stage did any alarm bells ring. My husband is fantastically untidy, can’t cook and doesn’t like musicals. But that doesn’t make him straight.

He was in the Territorial Army, so it wasn’t unusual for him to spend weekends away. He’d been doing this his whole adult life, and I’d never be sure how late he’d be home on a Sunday.

Being the trusting soul that I was, I believed him when he said that training had overrun again, the traffic on the way back was terrible, and he must have been in a mobile blackspot on the motorway when I rang for the umpteenth time. It was not until I started looking that I found out why.

My first inkling that something was amiss came 15 years ago, and it was nothing short of a bombshell. Tidying the house one day, I found a postcard he had been using as a bookmark. It had been sent to him by another man, one he had clearly been seeing for some time. Its content was graphic and entirely unambiguous.

I burst into tears, the first of many howlings at the moon. When he came home from work, I confronted him, more in sorrow than in anger (I’m not the kind to take pinking shears to his wardrobe). We sat at the kitchen table and talked and cried. I realised there’s a difference in finding out about an infidelity, and that your partner is gay.

As Sara Hirst, Keegan’s wife, recalled at the weekend: “I was shocked, but… it was almost like ‘Oh, you’re just gay…’ It was surreal, but I was kind of fine. I was never angry because he was gay. I’ve got gay friends. It was thinking ‘Was it all a lie? Why have you strung me along? Was our marriage all a sham?’”

As we sat there, I thought he would now finally come out to me. The biggest shock was that he didn’t: in fact, he denied he was gay at all.

We went to counselling, together and separately, and he persuaded both me and the counsellor that he was, infact, bisexual. He was adamant that he wasn’t “100 per cent gay”. It’s very hard to grasp that someone is not who you thought they were – but I wanted to believe him. I was, and still am, in love with him, so I gave him another chance. If he was bisexual, couldn’t we just resume our marriage?

We tried starting a family. I was 37 at this point and we’d been talking about having a child for a while. I knew my clock was ticking, and if I split up with him, by the time I found someone else, it would have been too late. If I’d been 25, I probably would have ditched him. He would have been a brilliant father, too.

Fundamentally, our relationship was good: we had converted a barn in the country, we loved our dogs, we had a great set of friends. We both loved gardening, travel, art and architecture. We were having a great time. This was the life I wanted. I was committed as much to the lifestyle he offered as much as the man himself.

I weep for my precious memories of our sex life, when I can only suppose he was pretending to enjoy himself.

After we went to counselling, I chose to stay with him. A lot of wives wouldn’t have – but I’d never wanted a marriage in which I was constantly on his case. That was 15 years ago. I still don’t know how many guys there have been, how many times he visited a club or sauna on his way back from a TA weekend. I thought about hiring a detective, but there was no need.

I’ve found ticket stubs for gay venues in his trouser pockets as I’ve put them into the wash, membership cards to gay saunas in his wallet, gay magazines in his briefcase, gay hook-up sites on his browser. I’ve also made a conscious decision to stop looking for “evidence”.

Did I never suspect? Not once – though when I found out, it was as if I’d put on glasses and everything came into focus. I had queried whether the relationship was right, but not his sexuality.

What hurts the most is that, since the day he took our wedding vows, he has never committed to being monogamous. Perhaps foolishly, I’ve never looked elsewhere myself. I’m terminally monogamous, and didn’t want to go down that route; I wouldn’t like the person I would have become.

In my darkest moments, I think I am simply a front, and I weep for my precious memories of our sex life, when I can only suppose he was pretending to enjoy himself. At other times, I think he cares for me very deeply and our sex life was, if not all he wanted, at least a part of it.

We haven’t had sex for a long time, not for a decade, but we don’t have separate rooms. We’re still quite touchy-feely. Is this really any different from any more conventional marriage? Over time, most couples’ sex lives decrease and turn into companionship. Would mine not have followed the same trajectory had I married a straight man?

I can sympathise with his decision not to come out – we live in a rural bit of Britain and I testify to overhearing some shockingly homophobic comments – but his decision to remain closeted has made my life harder.

Now in our fifties, we will soon be going through a divorce without being open about the real reason: his family and many of our friends will be bemused and uncomprehending; why on earth am I tearing apart my apparently very nice life with an absolutely lovely man, and at my advanced age? Those of my family and friends who do know are equally bemused; why, if I’ve known for 15 years, bother to divorce him now?

Well, to be honest, I’m just tired of it all. Being married to a gay man has been a gilded cage. Since I found out, I have been waiting for the sword to fall – though I didn’t realise what a weight it was until I made my mind up to leave. I have had to steel myself mentally for the day my husband tells me he has found the courage to come out, or for the knock at the door from a long-standing boyfriend.

I have speculated whether it will be a mid-life crisis or the death of his parents that will finally push him out of the closet. I have asked myself every single day, should I stay or should I go? But I don’t really want a divorce – I just want to unmarry him.

If my husband ever chooses to come out, I know I won’t be surrounded by a wave of affirmation and support as I face up to life on my own. I won’t be a hero – though I am as much a victim of society’s bigotry as my husband.

For our estranged partners, it is the end of a painful journey. For us, it is just the beginning.

— ends –

Edited April 15, 2018 by sum1outhere_03

[Guest Yolo]

I personally believe there is no such thing as bi. It’s just a term for gays to make themselves feel better.

 

i would advise against marrying the girl.

u are ruined her life whom her partner could not love her wholeheartedly. She deserves a better straight man and u deserve to find ur own prince.

 

life is too short to have any regrets 

[zyjd]

A good friend of mine is bi, but more gay than straight - out of the 5 past relationships he's had, 4 were with men.

 

Now married to a woman because of family and peer pressure, he confided in having a boyfriend on the sly, but both know the relationship has no future because of the wedding band he wears.

 

He loves his wife, but admit there are times he can't get it up in the bedroom due to the lack of sexual interest in her, and she in turn questions why a seemingly healthy man at 32 years has trouble getting an erection.

 

I don't know about you, but this definitely isn't a life I'd want to lead.

[Guest closeted]

1 hour ago, Guest Yolo said:

I personally believe there is no such thing as bi. It’s just a term for gays to make themselves feel better.

 

i would advise against marrying the girl.

u are ruined her life whom her partner could not love her wholeheartedly. She deserves a better straight man and u deserve to find ur own prince.

 

life is too short to have any regrets 

the problem is - for closeted gays - there is no prince. they are almost doomed to live a life by themselves.

[Seungjun]

As seen in the article above, women have a ticking body clock. Their youth is precious. If u choose to marry a woman, make sure u cut off all ties with all guys. Do not cheat. Give her the marriage and family that she entrusted you with when she married you.

 

Only if you can fulfill all this, then I can say by all means just get married. Because know that if you cannot deliver, you're deliberately wasting a womans youth and chance for a husband who will love her. Therefore basically being a selfish bastard. Everybody got their own problems in life. Be a man and face your own by yourself. Dont drag someone else into the water with you. 

 

 

[cutejack]

Aiyah dont waste time telling him la.

Many who will get married saying fly pressure blah3 or will find guys after marriage saying wife neber entertain.

We can just talk but cant control their hormones n emotions. Do watever u wanna do as long dont carry disease n get cursing from any parties.

[Guest be realistic]

a guy was chased by a married man. got together for sometime until the wife texted the guy asking who is he and what's his relationship with her husband. 

some wives are ok, pretty chilled when they know their husband is sleeping with a guy. but with a younger girl, it's  a no no. 

also know a friend who's married and caught STD from a guy and passed it on to the wife, found out when the wife went for check up at doctor's, divorced, separated from children. 

I slept with an attached straight guy before, then he broke up with gf. after 1 year, we broke up and he went back to that gf, now happily married (i hope) and I never spoke to him since he's settled down, but also want to have absolutely nothing to do with him as he's only good at being friends and nothing else.  we see each other once a while on friends' gathering but never interact at all. 

 

if you are gonna get married, put your wife and children first. better to have family than sex because sex will died down eventually. and be careful of who you slept with, it's so easy for you to be blackmailed/exposed and ending up losing everything you have built.

[Sh3rlock]

15 hours ago, manehiso said:

How does one know when one is ready? 

If you have to ask, you are not and probably never will be. Sorry

[windinthewillow]

If it's a passing thought I'm sure all of us here would have at some point in our life the same thought floating around. Quite interesting insights and opinions shared by others however end of the day it's your call. The stigma and negativity towards LGBT in Singapore still exist...if your girl is open minded about your sexuality and accepts who you are so long as you are willing to be committed to the marriage, do accept love and work towards a meaningful relationship. The marriage cert given by ROM only certified the civil marriage and grants you the rights as married couples but it doesn't gurantee happiness. I attended my close AJ friend's wedding in New Zealand last year and one year moving on, they continue to face the "occasionally battles" like all married couples lol... but I see their growth and maturity in their happily married life too. I wish you all the best regardless which path you chose.

[auri]

It is probably possible, I think.

Especially if you currently don't have very much sex.

I know people who are gay, but are not in relationships, and also not having casual sex.  Maybe they just wank to gay porn.

So, if this person gets married to a woman, he is not suddenly going to be seeking out men.

The only issue is whether he can do his husbandly duties with his wife.

Best to find a frigid/ low sex drive/ ultra conservative woman, then probably once a year is enough....

[Guest Can have both]

I am in my 60s now and been married since I was 26. My first gay experience was at 10 when I was touched by an older man and I also sucked for him. Then nothing happened until I was 18 when I shared a room w my classmate and we started playing w each other at night either mutual JO or he would pressed his cock in mine and rubbed untilnwe both came. Then in university I started to get sucked by housemates. All these while I was going out with girls and never ever thought of leading a gay life. After Uni, I started my work and it involved me traveling and staying in hotels a lot and that’s when I started meeting guys at sauna etc to have light fun. I got married at 26 and for a few years didn’t seek fun outside bec I was enjoying sex w my wife. We would fuck Everyday, some days up to 7 times a day. I was Lucky she doesn’t mind sucking (even now) so I leas a pretty happy and ordinary married life. As I got older I started to frequent sauna and massage places again and had fun with I don’t know how many strangers! Now that I am older and still married aNd still have occasional fun outside w guys.... I would say that it’s posisble to have both....I don’t know if I am gay or bi. I love pussy and I also live to get sucked by guys. I am not so much into sucking cocks but I don’t mind holding n playing with cocks. If I like the guy I may fuck him but I don’t like being fucked as I have a small hole. I had prostate massage before and I Can’t say  I like it very much...but I do like being massaged in my butts.... so am I a bi! 

[cutejack]

1 hour ago, Guest Can have both said:

I am in my 60s now and been married since I was 26. My first gay experience was at 10 when I was touched by an older man and I also sucked for him. Then nothing happened until I was 18 when I shared a room w my classmate and we started playing w each other at night either mutual JO or he would pressed his cock in mine and rubbed untilnwe both came. Then in university I started to get sucked by housemates. All these while I was going out with girls and never ever thought of leading a gay life. After Uni, I started my work and it involved me traveling and staying in hotels a lot and that’s when I started meeting guys at sauna etc to have light fun. I got married at 26 and for a few years didn’t seek fun outside bec I was enjoying sex w my wife. We would fuck Everyday, some days up to 7 times a day. I was Lucky she doesn’t mind sucking (even now) so I leas a pretty happy and ordinary married life. As I got older I started to frequent sauna and massage places again and had fun with I don’t know how many strangers! Now that I am older and still married aNd still have occasional fun outside w guys.... I would say that it’s posisble to have both....I don’t know if I am gay or bi. I love pussy and I also live to get sucked by guys. I am not so much into sucking cocks but I don’t mind holding n playing with cocks. If I like the guy I may fuck him but I don’t like being fucked as I have a small hole. I had prostate massage before and I Can’t say  I like it very much...but I do like being massaged in my butts.... so am I a bi! 

Whatever ,looksike u r enjoying life to the max uncle. Keep it up the happy n satisfied life.

[kimlo777]

I am 62 this year and have been married for a good 35 years.  I love my wife dearly and am a responsible husband providing the family with all their needs - material, emotional and spiritual.  Sex with my wife had always been good but my wife (like many other women) lose interest in sex after having babies.  For us, this happened after she gave birth to our only son.  While I have been unfaithful to her as far as sex with other men goes, I have never been with any other woman besides her.  She suspects my indiscretion but has grown to accept me for who I am.  We are still very very happy together sans the sex. The bond between a married couple goes beyond the physical - it is more emotional and spiritual.

 

 

[Guest :-(]

6 minutes ago, kimlo777 said:

I am 62 this year and have been married for a good 35 years.  I love my wife dearly and am a responsible husband providing the family with all their needs - material, emotional and spiritual.  Sex with my wife had always been good but my wife (like many other women) lose interest in sex after having babies.  For us, this happened after she gave birth to our only son.  While I have been unfaithful to her as far as sex with other men goes, I have never been with any other woman besides her.  She suspects my indiscretion but has grown to accept me for who I am.  We are still very very happy together sans the sex. The bond between a married couple goes beyond the physical - it is more emotional and spiritual.

 

 

Pity your wife really to marry a gay man

[Guest Wtf]

10 minutes ago, kimlo777 said:

I am 62 this year and have been married for a good 35 years.  I love my wife dearly and am a responsible husband providing the family with all their needs - material, emotional and spiritual.  Sex with my wife had always been good but my wife (like many other women) lose interest in sex after having babies.  For us, this happened after she gave birth to our only son.  While I have been unfaithful to her as far as sex with other men goes, I have never been with any other woman besides her.  She suspects my indiscretion but has grown to accept me for who I am.  We are still very very happy together sans the sex. The bond between a married couple goes beyond the physical - it is more emotional and spiritual.

 

 

Pity you and your family.

Calling yourself a responsible husband?

Hahahahahaha

[snowball]

there are many gays like to have sex with bi and married guys, they are yummy and delicious to most 

[Guest Less bitchy n be happy]

2 hours ago, Guest Wtf said:

Pity you and your family.

Calling yourself a responsible husband?

Hahahahahaha

Why be so judgemental? He is happy ... his Wife is Happy since still married to him. He is making many others here hapoy too.... so let him be lah. You want also can try him one day then may be you also happy and won’t be so bitchy and complain. 

[kimlo777]

30 minutes ago, Guest Less bitchy n be happy said:

Why be so judgemental? He is happy ... his Wife is Happy since still married to him. He is making many others here hapoy too.... so let him be lah. You want also can try him one day then may be you also happy and won’t be so bitchy and complain. 

you nailed it!

[Guest Less bitch and be happy]

1 hour ago, kimlo777 said:

you nailed it!

Haha..... do I get to nail you or vice versa ?! 

 

[forbidd3n]

On 15/04/2018 at 11:55 AM, Guest closeted said:

the problem is - for closeted gays - there is no prince. they are almost doomed to live a life by themselves.

So true. Decades later, when all the dust settles and the fun ends, gays probably end up lonely whereas at least married ppl have their wives and kids to return to. I wonder whether its worth to "stay gay" & esp if u have decent, single female friends who are interested in something long-term with u

[kimlo777]

1 hour ago, Guest Less bitch and be happy said:

Haha..... do I get to nail you or vice versa ?! 

 

haha .. you are so lovable!

 

[kimlo777]

1 hour ago, forbidd3n said:

So true. Decades later, when all the dust settles and the fun ends, gays probably end up lonely whereas at least married ppl have their wives and kids to return to. I wonder whether its worth to "stay gay" & esp if u have decent, single female friends who are interested in something long-term with u

In a way you are right.  But marriage is a commitment so only enter it when you are ready to make that commitment. 

[Guest Exactly]

10 hours ago, Guest Wtf said:

Pity you and your family.

Calling yourself a responsible husband?

Hahahahahaha

Exactly what im thinking.

I dont mind being judgmental for this case and I judge him a non responsible husband and feel sorry for his wife and children.

Do not follow his bad example!

 

[Ben Ben Ben]

A woman with gay Husband is pitiful 

for a woman, better to find a so so looking man but straight one. 

 

Married Gay guy is scary 

[Guest So so looking aversion]

18 minutes ago, Ben Ben Ben said:

A woman with gay Husband is pitiful 

for a woman, better to find a so so looking man but straight one. 

 

Married Gay guy is scary 

Definitely not! I don’t mind a bi Husband as long as he fucks me as usual and looks after the family well. I Can’t  imagine living with a so so looking guy who can’t fuck well and can’t provide well for the family.... and drink and smoke! That’s what so so looking guys do..... drink, smoke and fart in public! 

[Guest Long run]

14 hours ago, -Ignored- said:

this is terrible (for the wife)

There is still love. In the long run, sex becomes less important. Companionship at old age is more important.

[kimlo777]

5 hours ago, Guest Long run said:

There is still love. In the long run, sex becomes less important. Companionship at old age is more important.

you are so right. this is something that only a mature person with a high intellect coupled with wisdom can understand.  Most self-centred young punks or older people with the mindset of a juvenile just don't get it.

[Guest High intellect]

16 minutes ago, kimlo777 said:

you are so right. this is something that only a mature person with a high intellect coupled with wisdom can understand.  Most self-centred young punks or older people with the mindset of a juvenile just don't get it.

What if you are married to a man in his 60s, not attractive i.e same type of look as you and he is not interested in you at all. He goes out everyday to f and do everything he can to please different women. And then he goes around telling people how many women he have everyday and all his other dirty thoughts for other women. He used to f you good while thinking of other girls but now not interested in his husband (you) anymore. You are just there as part of the family. That is what you are doing to your wife.

[kimlo777]

4 minutes ago, Guest High intellect said:

What if you are married to a man in his 60s, not attractive i.e same type of look as you and he is not interested in you at all. He goes out everyday to f and do everything he can to please different women. And then he goes around telling people how many women he have everyday and all his other dirty thoughts for other women. He used to f you good while thinking of other girls but now not interested in his husband (you) anymore. You are just there as part of the family. That is what you are doing to your wife.

what you are talking about is sex.  what sustains a marriage is more than sex.  a marriage is sustained by love - both emotional and spiritual.  in marriage, the couple does not place importance on physical needs but on emotional and spiritual connectedness. 

 

i have a gay friend who has been in a relationship with another man for nearly 20 years.  there is no longer any physical attraction between them as my friend is 63 (about my age) and his boyfriend is 45 and still sexually very active.  they remain in their relationship but agrees on an open relationship where they are each allowed to have sex with other partners outside of their home.  my friend is sexually less active but prefers to remain faithful.  his boyfriend on the other hand is highly sex and frequents gay saunas and the like. 

 

so my question is this - how different is a heterosexual marriage different from a gay relationship where one party is sexually active with multiple partners?

[Guest Help]

1 hour ago, kimlo777 said:

so my question is this - how different is a heterosexual marriage different from a gay relationship where one party is sexually active with multiple partners?

I'm not the person you're replying to but may I ask what makes you think it is a NORM that heterosexual marriages are open (multiple partners). 

[kimlo777]

1 hour ago, Guest Help said:

I'm not the person you're replying to but may I ask what makes you think it is a NORM that heterosexual marriages are open (multiple partners). 

there are many heterosexual marriages where one party strays. it may not be the norm but is common.  Even at my workplace, talking to my male staff, i see a high percentage indulging in sex outside of their marriage with multiple partners and (to my surprise with other female colleagues within the same organisation).

[Ben Ben Ben]

6 hours ago, kimlo777 said:

there are many heterosexual marriages where one party strays. it may not be the norm but is common.  Even at my workplace, talking to my male staff, i see a high percentage indulging in sex outside of their marriage with multiple partners and (to my surprise with other female colleagues within the same organisation).

Standard la

open relationships